Why Is It ...

… that as I was sitting in my car the other day, a person came up to my driver’s window and shouted, “I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL,” and all I could think to say was, “Can I get my burger and fries? You’re holding up the drive thru.”

… that hearing my voice in a recording makes me wanna apologize to every person I’ve ever spoken to.

… that everyone forgets that I am neither a morning person nor a night person but I do have a few minutes in the afternoon where I’m decent and that’s about it.

… that y’all need to remember that if I go missing there will be no need to go searching the hiking trails

… that there are days when I don’t want to be an adult, and I don’t even wanna be human, I just want to be a goat and eat all day and head-butt anyone who tries to stop me.

 … that no one sees that I have a really good heart, but it comes with a side of attitude and zero patience

… that no one listens to my life tips, like … if you rob a bank you will have no trouble with food, rent or bills for the next ten years, regardless of your success.

… that you should know to stay away from me if you’re sensitive because I will roast you for sport

… that you need to know how to be comfortable in your own skin because it’s a crime to wear someone else’s

… that I know how to treat people right but I also know how to walk a dog; the choice is yours.

Why Is It ...

… that most all of my friends know that if we’re in a crowd of people and I say, “since we’re being funny,” it’s time to take me out of the room.

… that people have forgotten that oldest of Commandments ‘Know thy lane and stayeth in it.”

… that I am the friend you can cancel on at the last minute? Is it because I wasn’t going anyway?

… that sometimes I tell people “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are” and watch their face while they try to figure out if it was a compliment or not.

… that every so often I head up to IKEA to see if they can help me assemble the fucking will to live.

… that no one realzies that calling someone a dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult; you could call them a dick, but they aren’t real enough.

… that even I know I should be ashamed of my attitude; to be clear, I’m not, but I should be.

… that people need to learn if they press their bottom lip to their top lip, they can actually shut the fuck up; go on, try it, I’ll wait.

 … that no one sees that introverts don’t get FOMO; we get FOBI … fear of being included.

… that people don’t realize I am an anti-stalker. I’m learning someone’s routine so I can avoid them.

… that no one gets that I will cook rice one grain at a time before I worry about someone not talking to me.

Why Is It ...

… that pets are great for companionship or if you want to trip and die while moving from room to room  … and I am looking at you Consuelo!

… that people forget that I will match their respect but I will top their disrespect; don’t play with me.

… that my top three assumptions at the sound of a doorbell are: 1. It’s a murderer; 2. It’s the police telling me someone has died; or 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking has arrived.

… that people don’t understand that I identify as clumsy and my pronouns are Oops, Ouch and Oh no!

… that when people think my post is about them I ask them why? Did they find something in their size? Something from our new Guilty Conscience Collection.

… that while I am mentally at the beach, physically I am at a meeting I didn’t ask for.

… that some people don’t get that I am not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if I had to choose between saving you and a cactus, I’d water the cactus.

… that you need to realize that I don’t start drama, I just finish it with better comebacks.

… that you don’t see that I am not ignoring you, I’m just giving you the time to realize how irrelevant you are to me.

… that it infuriates me that Chicken Lips went to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work any more.

Why Is It ...

… that no one is surprised that I am stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out that it wasn’t for me, but I appreciate the opportunity.

… that people don’t realize that I’m a nice person until they hit the Bitch Button.

… that when someone asks if I ever think before I post something nasty, I always say, ‘Yeah, and I even laugh and kick my feet a little.’

… that I sometimes feel as if my life is being written by someone who isn’t sure they like me.

… that when someone asks me if I’m an early bird or a night owl I tell them I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

… that while friends bring you happiness, best friends bring you tequila.

… that I sometimes think I might be the only person that pauses the music to see if the siren is in the song or behind me.

… that no one appreciates it when I give away free samples of my attitude.

… that nearly every morning I wish for someone to go into work for me; just walk in and act like me, no one will notice.

… that my friends keep forgetting that if we are in a non-laughing situation, they should not be looking at me.

Why Is It ...

… that most of you don’t know that I was away from the blogopsphere most all day yesterday because that damned Hurricane Helene knocked our power out for nearly fourteen hours; but we’re all good now!

… that most days I wake up and spin the Wheel of Attitude and it almost always lands on bitch.

… that once I uttered the phrase, ‘Man, this escape room is hard,’ and my boss said, ‘You’re at work.’

… that I’ve discovered I am at that age where I’m old to young people and young to old people.

… that my mind is like a steel trap that is rusted shut and being pulled around by a possum drunk on fermented apples.

… that once I touch my bed, chances are 90% that all my plans are cancelled.

… that at my age y’all need to stop asking me my likes and dislikes. I like money and food and I dislike not having money and food. Please don’t stress me out.

… that I identify as danger and my pronouns are try/me.

… that people don’t see that I don’t make mistakes, but instead create unexpected outcomes.

… that since our time on Earth is limited we should not be “aging with grace,” but age with mischief, audacity and a good story to tell.

Why Is It ...

… that my mind alternates between two possible choices of attitude, one being in a constant state of panic while overthinking and worrying about every little detail, and the other being “Whatever.”

… that there are times when I act like people never happened; Who? Who are you?

… that HR told me I am not allowed to call my co-workers “foreskin” even when I explained that they disappear when things get hard.

… that all of the sudden I need to use my phone to take pictures of instructions so I can enlarge them and read them.

… that when people meet me for the first time, they tell me that I’m so quiet, when what’s really happening is I’m reading them and need a minute.

… that sometimes I have to play the role of the fool to fool the fool who thinks they’re fooling me.

… that seeing people walk out of my life is really painful; I mean, I really want them to run.

… that once I hear the Purge Siren I know exactly who I’m going after. 

Why Is It ...

… that even when I’m on my third ‘mhm’, they just keep on speaking!

… that no one realizes that when you falsely accuse me of having an attitude, it creates exactly the attitude that you thought I had.

… that I really want to be nice but everyone annoys me?

… that cocktails are so dangerous; I mean, they often taste like juice and then suddenly you can’t walk.

… that I’m too old for Snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

… that every single day there is something to do and I am sick of it.

… that I feel like Willie Nelson’s been the same age my whole life?

… that while it’s nice to see people embracing therapy, a few of you are in need of an exorcism.

… that I always have the need to get the last word, even if I have to mail it to you.

Why Is It ...

… that I just realized that run spelled backwards is nur … and it’s a nur from me?

… that one of my toxic traits is assuming that people have common sense and then getting mad when they don’t.

… that most people don’t like it when I give away free samples of my attitude?

… that instead of cleaning the house, I turn on an episode of Hoarders and think, ‘Well, my house looks pretty good.’

… that people don’t understand that I don’t actually curse … I ‘m simply fluent in Trucker, with a Sailor dialect and a Construction accent.

… that it only takes one slowing walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person?

… that when people say they like my personality, I say, ‘Thanks, I have six more.’

… that I love having a best friend that, when people see us together, say, ‘Oh my god, there’s two of them.’

… that I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t drink coffee and say ‘Fuck’ a lot.