Bobservations

So, we’re watching the Oscars the other night and Billie Eilish and Finneas are onstage singing ‘No Time To Die,’ and Carlos says:

“That’s a pretty song, but they might get sued.”

“Sued? For what?”

“Listen closely, because the melody sounds an awful lot like the theme from  a James Bond movie.”

“Sweetie pie, this is ‘No Time to Die’—"

“I know!”

“From the movie No Time To—”

“I. Know.”

“No Time To Die  is the latest Bond movie.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Oy, that man and his lack of pop culture information.

See, it’s like this: criminals in the GOP are fine and dandy, but ALLEGED  criminals outside the GOP need to be arrested and sent to jail without trial.

Difference between Men and Women:

A woman asks her girlfriends if she looks fat and they reply, “Noooo, you're beautiful!”

A guy asks his male friends if he looks fat and they say, “Bro, I have five fat friends and you're four of them.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren and two dozen other Democratic lawmakers are demanding that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas recuse himself from any cases involving 2020 election disputes or the January 6th insurrection after revelations his wife, Ginni AKA Queen QAnon, advocated actions to overturn the presidential election.

They also want Thomas and Chief Justice John Roberts to explain why Thomas didn’t recuse himself from a case involving access to the former White House records, in which Thomas was the lone vote against release of the documents.

C’mon y’all, he was just doing what Ginni told him to do.

North Carolina’s GOP QAnon Congressman Madison Cawthorn held a photo op touting the infrastructure funding for his district that came from the bipartisan infrastructure package.

Funny, cuz Little Maddie Cawthorn did not vote for the bill he was trying to take credit for and he was confronted by a man who asked him directly if he voted for the bill.

 Maddie rolled away without answering. 

Well well well … the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has said that Will Smith was asked to leave Sunday’s Oscars after assaulting Chris Rock but he refused  … because he had an Oscar to win and he wanted that more than he wanted to protect his wife’s ALLEGED honor.

And to prove the rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree on Oscar night, after the slap, Little Jaden Smith Tweeted:

"And That's How We Do It."

That says enough right there. Spoiled brats, that entire family.

Tennessee has passed a new “permitless” carry law stripping background checks and training from gun ownership so anyone can carry a gun anywhere.

It couldn’t get worse … until you realize a GOP state lawmaker is sponsoring a new bill to allow 18-year-olds to legally carry handguns in public.

Let the shooting begin.

The Camden Yard and Garden Contest is this weekend, and because the weather has been so iffy, we haven’t had the time to work in the yard, so I’m gonna wear this and stand in the front yard as the judges pass by.

I think we have a shot at winning.

Lastly, Calvin and Cory Boling, twin modeling brothers. Which One Would You Hit … or would you just be the meat in their sammich?

It's Snarkurday!

Lindsay Lohan—trying to rehab her image—may have a new gig ... a jewelry line.

No, seriously. Lohan, who was arrested in 2011 for taking a $2500 necklace from an LA boutique; she pleaded no contest to misdemeanor theft for that one.

So maybe, since Lohan is Tweeting of her new venture ... #LohanJewelry ... this is the real deal, though I imagine she’ll be selling her line out of the trunk of a car in an alley somewhere.

Just sayin’.

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In Katy Perry’s latest song, Swish Swish, she sings that it’s funny a certain “bish”—clearly Taylor Swift—can’t keep from saying her name. See, when Swish Swish was released, Katy, once again, whined her girl fight with Swifty over backup dancers from years back.

Well, through a “friend” because that’s how she rolls, Taylor Swift wants y’all to know that she wants no part of this mess ... any more. The “friend” says:

“She honestly wants no part of this, that’s why she avoids talking about it. She doesn’t want to engage.”

She does not want to engage even though she began the Snit when she wrote Bad Blood about Katy?

Bish, please.

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Rumors are swirling that Fergie had—depending on who you listen to—been kicked out of, or dropped out of, the Black Eyed Peas over “creative differences.”

And now, will.i.am has confirmed the rumors to be true ... Fergie’s out. But the question remains ... is anyone still in the Black Eyed Peas?

I mean, their sell-by date was at least two years ago, though I think it’s been longer.

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Gwyneth Paltrow ... the gift that keeps on whining.

In an interview with The Edit, Goop continued to kvetch about why people don’t like her. She tried to replay that story about haters hating her because they are “unenlightened.” I mean, c’mon, if you don’t shell out $3,000 for a plain white t-shirt, or steam clean your ladybits, you really are a peasant.

Now Goop is saying that people don’t like her because ... wait for it ... she is an attractive successful woman. Seriously. Goop says:

“It’s got a few layers to it. People were fine with me as an actress, but with Goop it was like, ‘Stay in your lane.’ Women in general get a lot of pushback, especially if you’re successful and attractive… I’m not saying I’m attractive. I mean when you’re considered attractive.” 

Honey, you are a moderately talented, self-involved wannabe and, yeah, I don’t like you, but not because you’re moderately successful or moderately attractive but because you are full-on full of yourself.

Seriously, take a seat.

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Poor Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott ... I mean, really, poor.

Five months ago, City National Bank sued Tori and Dean over a bank loan. The reality whore couple owed $188,802 in loan payments, interest, and late charges, and Tori also owed more than $17,000 in overdraft fees and interest.

In March, City National issued a default judgment against Tori and Dean but they never paid the bill, so City National took it a step further. Tori and Dean were supposed to appear in court on May 22 to respond to City National’s request, but they didn’t show up. I guess they figured if they owed someone 200K and just sat it out, the bank would be all, “You know, never mind, we don’t need the money.”

Oh hell no. A judge granted a default judgment to City National and ordered Tori and Dean to pay $219,796.66 for the loan and Tori’s overdraft.

Tori and Dean better get to Lifetime or E! or Bravo or Pop or Logo or Animal Planet to try and scare up a reality show because shiz just got real.

$219,796.66 real.

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So Baywatch sank at the box office ... it drowned .. it belly-flopped ... pick a watery metaphor.

According to Box Office Mojo, its four-day domestic box office gross was less than $23 million, which is roughly a third of what a studio paid to make this mess. By comparison, Pirates of the Caribbean 5 came in at #1 with more than $78 million, so clearly people wanted to see a disaster at sea, but just not their disaster.

So, who to blame? Well, if you’re The Rock, who has now had a couple of bombs dropped into theaters this year, you blame the critics, by Tweeting:

“Bold move from this critic who watched #Baywatch w/other critics who laughed their ass off, but then they decide to trash it publicly.”

Maybe they weren’t laughing with you, but laughing at you.

Big difference, Rock ... huge.

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Jaden Smith has accused The Four Seasons hotel in Toronto, Ontario of trying to murder him. I know :::sigh:::: but according this self-entitled little brat the Five Star Corporate Hotel actually made things purposely horrible for him.

Will and Jada’s demon spawn is in Toronto filming the movie Year in a Life, and was staying at The Four Seasons when he had some issues and instead of calling the front desk, took his spoiled brat ramblings to Twitter:

“The Four Seasons In Toronto Just Made Me Want to Throw Up On MySelf.”

Someone needs to get back to an English class ... unless this is the title of his autobiography. Still, he did go on ...

“I Hope The Four Seasons In Toronto Puts Me On The No Stay List.”

Oh, honey, I’m sure they have.

“The Four Seasons In Toronto Spiked My Pancakes With Cheese, I'm Surprised I'm Still Alive.”

WTF? Someone needs to parent this tool.

“After They Kicked Me Out Of My Room”

Perhaps they kicked you out of your room for “acting” like a little bitch who thinks the world revolves around you.

I say kudos to The Four Seasons.

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ABC dug up the corpse of American Idol for the 2018 season and will pay Katy Perry some $25 million to judge the first season and one person is not happy about that.

Hint: it’s not Swifty.

Nope, Ryan Seacrest is none too happy with how much money he’s getting to host the show again because, yeah, it’s not Katy Money; in fact, it’s less than 50% of Katy Money ... just $10 million.

Sheesh, Seacrest spends more than that on Botox and hair products in a month.

I think someone needs to start a GoFundMe for Ryan.

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I find Armie Hammer hotter than hot because he’s a tall, beefy drink of water, and because, well, he went there during his onscreen love scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in their film, J. Edgar.

Hammer was on on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen asked him about his role of Clyde Tolson, Hoover’s longtime lover and whether or not there was any, um, wood, during the kissing scenes between Hammer and Leo.

Armie gave a little nod and said, “Yes.”

Leo was one lucky onscreen homo for that film if I do say so myself.

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I don’t find Jamie Foxx funny or talented, but that’s okay because he thinks he’s all that ... and a bag of chips.

Foxx filmed a Tonight Show promo and decided to pretend to use sign language while lapdog Jimmy “Tousle ____’s Hair For A Laugh” Fallon laughed about it all. Trouble is the deaf community—represented by model/activist/dancer—Nyle DiMarco was not happy and took his outrage to Twitter:

“@iamjamiefoxx, It is straight up disrespectful to make up sign language.  Everything is in gibberish.”

Nyle then tried to educate Jamie about ASL:

“Jamie Foxx’s behavior with Jimmy Fallon on Fallon Tonight should not be tolerated anywhere.

We simply do not make fun of other cultures, especially those with a history of being marginalized. When we do this, progress takes a step backwards.

Sign Language is important to me because it is the bedrock of Deaf culture. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities says Sign Language is a human right of deaf people, and out of the 70 million worldwide, only 2% have access to education in Sign Language.

That’s why I started the Nyle DiMarco Foundation.

We are working with other organizations to ensure every deaf child has usable language before the age of 5.

What Foxx did on Fallon Tonight made our struggle that much harder.”

I wonder if it might have been quicker to use the universal sign of the One Fingered Salute for Foxx.

Maybe that he’d understand.

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It's Snarkurday!

News moves fast these days and you either get in on it, or you move along ... something former Spice Girl Mel B. should learn.

Mel B., now some twenty days past New Years Eve, has weighed in on the Mimi Mess. Seriously; it might have been more relevant had she weighed in on the tumble Judy Garland took at the Palladium back in 1951 but I digress ...

Mel B. is currently on Broadway in the revolving door role of Roxie Hart in Chicago and brought up how she was in Times Square that fateful night and saw Mimi’s, for lack of a better word, performance. She says she was “in complete shock” watching Mariah lip-synch-talk-strip-stripper-stroll through her set and added:

“I was watching, going, ‘What is going on over there?’ because I was trying to lip-synch along to her song, pretending I was Mariah, and then it all stopped. ... As a performer ... if something happens, you just keep going. Your first reaction is to not let silence go too long, so I was in complete shock. I was like, ‘Why did you let that happen?’ I think maybe she ... didn’t even want to attempt that when it actually came to singing live because some of the track was pre-recorded, all of the high notes, and some of it was just blank for her to sing live. Maybe she doesn’t have that voice anymore. I hate to say it…” 

Um, no you don’t, and it’s funny because what you described is my impression of every single Spice Girls performance.

Seriously, Mel, save the shade lest it land on you, too.

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Poor Dina Lohan, her daughter Lindsay turned her once-brilliant film career ... damn I’m funny ... into a career as a high, or mid-range, paid escort and bar hostess and now Dina is suffering the consequences.

Yup, y’all, Dina Lohan is broke ... again.

Three years ago, JPMorgan Chase hit Mama Lohan with a lawsuit for non-payment on a $1.3 million loan; now, she may have made a few payments with some of Lindsay’s Oprah Reality Show Money because the lawsuit quickly disappeared.  

Then, in February 2016, the lawsuit was brought back to life when JPMorgan Chase went back to court and started foreclosure procedures again. And since Dina had better things to do—or open, as in box after box of Franzia chardonnay—she never responded and never went to court. In December the judge allowed the bank to foreclose on Chez Lohan, which is expected to hit the auction block.

On top of losing her home, Dina also owes the states of California and New York a total of $9,375.28 in unpaid taxes and the private school where the littlest Lohan, Cody, went has sued her for $10,483.

My next guess is that Dina will seal herself inside a box marked “Used Goods” and ship herself via FedEx to Greece where she’ll swim out to any and every yacht in the Mediterranean looking for her little girl to bail her out ... again.

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Oh this is rich ... as in rich people’s kids are stupid.

Jaden Smith failed his driving test and then, via social media because, why not, he told the entire world that since he couldn’t drive he was planning to move out of Los Angeles:

 “It’s going to be so funny to tell my dad that I failed straight up. Everybody follow your heart, you know what I’m saying? Do exactly what you want to do, be the you that you want to be. I’m about to move out of L.A. There’s a lot of bad things here. Create the life you want for yourself, you know? Don’t try to be somebody else.”

In a completely unrelated story the City of Angels has given an unnamed DMV employee a one million dollar bonus for ensuring that LA streets will be safer, and minus one idiot behind the wheel and on the phone.

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Charlie Sheen has a TV movie coming out soon called Mad Families—and it’s not about his home life no matter what you think—and so he’s been all over the media promoting it ... by telling the world that he is still pissed at Rihanna because one time she didn’t ask Sheen and his porn star ex-fiancé to join her at her table.

That snub lead the two of them, Charlie and RiRi, to get into a TwitFight where she called him an “old queen” and he is still livid.

Yup. Crazy holds a grudge.

And he’s trying to keep baby in a corner, too, because, while appearing on Andy Cohen’s Hot Mess of a Show, Andy played a clip of Charlie and Jennifer Grey from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and Charlie hissed:

“Talk about a nose job ruining a career.”

Well, better a nose job than a drug-and-porn-and-knife addiction.

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So, supermodel ... seriously, I am soooo funny ... Bella Hadid is ALLEGEDLY furious that her BFF Selena Gomez might be dating her ex-boyfriend, The Weeknd, that she did the most evil thing a person could do to another person in this day and age: she stopped following Selena on Instagram.

Yup; back in my day I would’a thrown bleach on Selena’s car, or stalked her and slashed her clothes, but that’s so old school. Better to say, “I’m not following you. You’re now down to just 99,347,862 followers!

So.There.

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Rob Schneider made a career out of being a no-talent hack on SNL which he parlayed into a series of film roles as a no-talent hack, so what does he do now?

Well, he apparently believes he should school Georgia Congressman John Lewis—the Civil Rights hero that Donald _____ attacked on Twitter—in the ways of Martin Luther King.

Yes. He did. See, last week John Lewis said the Tiny Handed Tyrant was not a “legitimate” president and so Schneider stepped away from his puzzles and board games to Tweet:

“Rep. Lewis. You are a great person. But Dr. King didn't give in to his anger or his hurt. That is how he accomplished & won Civil Rights.”

Um, Rob, you tool. John Lewis knew MLK, worked alongside MLK, and spoke at the Lincoln memorial right before MLK gave his I Have A Dream speech and you think you, a has-been of epic proportions should school him on civil rights? You’re done, Rob; you’re over.

I mean, my god, you’re making commercials for paper towels now.

Sit the eff down.

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Speaking of stupid celebrities ... Ariana Grande.

She recently posted a picture of herself on Instagram with the line:

“when you’re cute but you’re also the hardest working 23 year old human being on earth #cute #butalso #CEO #unf–kwitable #haventsleptinyears”

Yes, it’s hard work having people literally carry you around like a rag-doll ... it’s hard work walking into a doughnut shop and licking the merchandise ... it’s hard work being Mariah Carey 2.0 and realizing your run will be far shorter.

Sit down with Rob Schneider, dear, you’re two of a kind.

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Okay, we talked about has-been Spice Girl Mel B. so let’s talk about the Spice Girls and Victoria Beckham.

See, last year there was news of a Spice Girl reunion ... well, three fifths of a reunion since Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham and Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm gave the idea a side-eye and a loud No. And that left  just Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown and Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell-Horner to tour as GEM. But now, that mini-reunion is in question because Victoria has ALLEGEDLY enlisted a team of lawyers to block GEM from performing any Spice Girls tunes.

A source—and it’s probably Mel B.’s lips still flapping—says Victoria is worried that mixing new songs with Spice Girls classics will “damage” the group’s legacy.

Now, that’s funny. But the source, er, Mel B. went on to say that the Leftover Spices are “devastated” that Beckham has threatened to sue.

Of course, Victoria is denying these accusations and says she could care less about the reunion. And why should she when she has David Beckham’s ass at hand. Shoot, I’d be the nicest person in the world, never bother a soul, never snark at anyone, if I could grab that ass whenever I wanted.

Just sayin’.

[spice girls, beckham's ass]

Good thing this might be the last season of Sherlock Holmes on Masterpiece Theater because, ALLEGEDLY, Benedict Cumberbatch, AKA Sherlock, and Martin Freeman, AKA Dr. Watson, cannot stand one another.

According to a source—and I’m thinking it’s Mel B. still talking or Dina Lohan looking for coins to pay her tax bills—says Benedict and Martin’s personal relationship is “frosty” and that the two aren’t friends outside of work and only talk to each other when the cameras are rolling.

And if the producers get their way and try to ride this dead horse into a fifth seasons, they may go all The Good Wife onset and have Cumberbatch and Freeman film their scenes separately and then work them into scenes together via editing.

That way the frosty duo can remain cold.

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Remember when Kim Kardastrophe was robbed at gunpoint and was so distraught she stayed away from social media and the family announced that shooting of their “reality” show was on hold?

Yeah, didn’t last long, because now the KUWTK new season is all about Kim’s Trauma. Yes, that family will be playing up the robbery for ratings and Kim will be playing up the robbery for a paycheck.

See,  after the robbery and before her breakdown on her “reality” show, Kim shot a few scenes for the new all-female version of Ocean’s Eleven—called Ocean’s Eight because maybe Hollywood couldn’t find three other actresses?—where the heist involves the gals stealing a valuable necklace off of the neck of a guest at the Met Gala.

And we all know that Kim Kardastrophe is a regular fixture at the Met gala and now we know that she filmed some scenes for Ocean’s Eight. So, you see, she is  devastated about the theft ... devastated she couldn’t turn it into enough money so she could divorce Kanye outright and not have to seek spousal support.

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