I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Well, the looooooooong legal battle between Olivia de Havilland and Ryan Murphy that started last year when OdH went nuts over Catherine Zeta-Jones’ portrayal of her in Feud: Bette and Joan is finally over.

It all began when OdH thought that Murphy painted her to be some kind of gossipy, catty bitch—which she is/was when it came to her sister Joan Fontaine—and OdH didn’t like the look, so she sued. That case was thrown out of Los Angeles Superior Court and they sent it to the California Case of Appeals and they threw it out, and OdH then took it to the California Supreme Court and they threw it out and so OdH took it to the Supreme Court of the United States.

And … big surprise … SCOTUS has refused to review the case and gave no reason.

Um, because it was dumb, and a waste of time and they could think of a million other ways for 102-year-old OdH to spend her time?

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Speaking of feuds … while we all know that lifestyle mavens Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow loathe each other, are they really that much different? Both blond; both wound far too tightly; both think their way is the best way. Both like to use steam …

We all know Paltrow is a proponent of using Vaginal Steaming to clean out your nether regions, fallopian tubes and eggs, if you got ‘em, while Martha likes to steam actual eggs using a cappuccino machine.

See, not so different at all.

Recently, Martha appeared in Food Network promo for a guest stint as a judge on Chopped and shared her method for making scrambled eggs using the steamer attachment on a cappuccino machine.

Cue Paltrow, who’s set to find a way to use a cappuccino machine to Steam the Hoo-Haw.

Just don’t hurt yourself when you fall off the counter.

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Uh oh, maybe you should dump your Amazon stock since Amazon Gazillionaire Jeff Bezos is divorcing his wife of 25 years and she may end up with half of his $145 billion fortune and half his Amazon stock.

Jeff married MacKenzie in the 90s and she was right by his side as Amazon grew to the behemoth it is today and she was happy as a clam …until Jeff took a shine to one Lauren Sanchez, the couple’s neighbor.

I sure hope Lauren gets a prenup if she marries Bezos since after the divorce he might only be worth $70 billion.

PS Bezos clearly has a type because MacKenzie and Lauren could be sisters.

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Apparently, on the heels of a couple of Golden Globes, someone, some people, in Hollywood don’t want to see Green Book take any Oscars. I mean, how else to explain the dragging those associated with the film are being taken on.

First up, apparently Green Book‘s producer-screenwriter Nick Vallelonga Tweeted his agreement with _____ about ______’s lie that he saw Muslims in New Jersey cheering the downing of the World Trade Center buildings.

Vallelonga deleted his Twitter account.

But now, someone has unearthed an old story about Green Book director Peter Farrelly which claimed he liked to expose himself. He ALLEGEDLY sexually harassed Cameron Diaz this way, and ALLEGEDLY did the same with other women and men. And I probably didn’t need the ALLEGEDLY because Farrelly is now apologizing for flashing his penis in an attempt to be “funny”:

“True. I was an idiot. I did this decades ago and I thought I was being funny and the truth is I’m embarrassed and it makes me cringe now. I’m deeply sorry.”

Lemme think on that because, if Farrelly was just some Joe on the street who flashed his goods, he’d have been arrested so, yeah, not a joke.

Still, I will give him props for not gifting us with a faux-pology, where he says, “Sorry, if you were offended.”

At least he isn’t Lady Gaga …

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One would have thought, that as a survivor of sexual assault, Lady Gaga would distance herself from those people with an ALLEGED history of being a perv, but I guess Gaga only does it now because she’s thirsty for an Oscar nomination.

It all goes back to the song Gaga wrote and recorded with ALLEGED child-pornographer R. Kelly back in 2014 years after ALLEGATIONS surfaced about Kelly’s predatory predilections. I mean, even I’d heard the tales about Kelly, but Gaga never  said a word until now, as she turned down a request to be interviewed for that R. Kelly documentary, and now she’s all aghast.

And I call bull shiz. That R. Kelly story, and others, were around long before Gaga slipped into some meat and called herself a star, and now that more and more and sicker R. Kelly stories are coming to light, she’s jumping on the bandwagon to show her disgust.

And all because she wants a little gold statue. I guess losing the Globe to Glenn Close really shook Gaga and she scoured her past for some way to score points.

I ain’t buying it, Lady.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Ryan Murphy, television producer , accepting the Hero Award for the cast of Pose at The Trevor Project‘s annual gala, announced a multi-million-dollar initiative to vote anti-LGBTQ lawmakers out of office:

“Why don’t we consider ever targeting the people who are causing the problem here? The homophobes, the trans naysayers, and the small restricted and dangerous minds who are causing so many young people to needlessly hate themselves and doubt themselves … It was the midterms this year that gave me hope. One after one, anti-LGBTQ candidates who made hate speech and ideology part of their legacy fell away. They were disgraced and eliminated by Democratic candidates who were largely boosted to victory by young and female voters, by the way ... Over 20 anti—LGBTQ right wing politicians and their horrifying views were gone in a day … and they were replaced by allies. I want these hateful and wrong politicians to go, and stop polluting our moral and ethical ether … In 2020, we’re going to create and fund, with corporate sponsorship, a multi-million dollar organization that targets anti-LGBTQ candidates running for office. We’re narrowing our focus to 20 of them. Senate and congressional candidates who think they can get votes by hurting and discriminating against us. And I have to say to them, ‘Well, we can get votes too.' We are going to send a message which says you cannot make discrimination against us a political virtue anymore,” he vowed. “You cannot keep killing our vulnerable young people by promoting and nationalizing your rural, close-minded anti-constitutional viewpoints.”

Murphy named Senators Mike Lee, Susan Collins, Lindsey Graham, and Congressman Steve King, among others, as the first targets of the Pose Initiative.

See, voting helps, so keep doing it.

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Mike Madrid, GOP political consultant, on the Republican party:

“The party has to die before it can be rebuilt. And by die, I mean, completely decimated. I think [the midterms] was a big step.”

I don’t think the GOP has to die, I think they just need a backbone, or asset of balls, to stand up against the hate-filled factions of the party … like the Racist-In-Chief.

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Barack Obama, plainly, and simply, and effectively, asking why anyone would think ____ was a good choice:

“Does anyone really believe that a guy who’s spent his 70 years on this Earth showing no regard for working people is suddenly going to be your champion? Your voice?”

That is exactly my thought on _____;all the way from the primaries through the general election.

Nice to know My President and I think alike.

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Paul Ryan, on his way out the door as a loser, on California:

"California just defies logic to me ... We were only down 26 seats the night of the election & 3 weeks later, we lost basically every contested CA race. This election system they have—I can’t begin to understand what ‘ballot harvesting’ is."

You can’t begin to understand how people finally grew disgusted by your party, and your leadership role, and said, ‘F**k this, I’m voting blue.’

Be gone, Lyin’ Ryan, before someone drops a house on you.

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Pat Robertson, on The 700 Club, saying George H.W. Bush only launched the first Gulf War after Robertson assured him person that God said it would be a success:

“He was in the Oval Office and just at that time, his representative in Geneva had been meeting with a representative of Saddam Hussein and the talks had broken down. I said, ‘Mr. President, I’ve got a word from the Lord for you.’ He said, ‘What is it?’ I said, ‘There is going to be a war, it is going to be enormously successful, you’re going to be hailed as a great military leader, and your success is going to go through the roof.’”

And, I imagine, you were wearing a tinfoil hat at the time and also in direct communications with Mars?

Take a seat, old man; when God hears you lying like this, She’ll be pissed.

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Bruce Springsteen, warning that _____ may be reelected in 2020:

“I think that there are a lot of reasons people became _____ voters. You had severe blows to working people in the 1970s and 1980s as all the steel mills shut down. Then you had an explosion of information technology. These are life-changing, upsetting occurrences. [And] I don’t see anyone out there at the moment …the man who can beat _____, or the woman who can beat _____. You need someone who can speak some of the same language (as _____) and the Democrats don’t have an obvious, effective presidential candidate.”

Sorry, Boss, you’re wrong. People didn’t vote for _____ because of something that happened thirty or forty years ago, they voted for him because he stoked fear, and promoted racism; he made people who thought having a Black president was the End Times vote for a man who had never done anything for them; how many jobs did he create in casinos that went bankrupt, or universities that shut down, or projects that failed. It was fear and hatred of anything that wasn’t white. 

And it was Democrats not banding together to fight him that allowed him to win.

It was complacency on our parts, and fear on his. But we’re not complacent any longer.

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Joe Biden, on who should run against _____, of he’s still in office, I mean, in 2020:

“I’ll be as straight with you as I can. I think I’m the most qualified person in the country to be president. The issues that we face as a country today are the issues that have been in my wheelhouse, that I’ve worked on my whole life. No one should run for the job unless they believe that they would be qualified doing the job. I’ve been doing this my whole adult life, and the issues that are the most consequential relating to the plight of the middle class and our foreign policy are things that I have – even my critics would acknowledge, I may not be right but I know a great deal about it.”

Is this Joe declaring his candidacy?

Please?

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I Didn't Say It ...

Barack Obama, telling us we are right to be concerned about this country:

“Do not wait for the perfect message, don’t wait to feel a tingle in your spine because you’re expecting politicians to be so inspiring and poetic and moving that somehow, ‘OK, I’ll get off my couch after all and go spend the 15-20 minutes it takes for me to vote,’ because that’s part of what happened in the last election. I heard that too much.”

You heard it from our last great president.

Cast.A.Goddmaned.Vote!

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Jon Stewart, returning to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert , and unleashing on _____’s policies:

“Hello, Donald. It’s me, the guy you made sure everyone knew was Jewish on Twitter. I know you’re upset about all the criticism you’ve been taking in the ‘fake news’ and the ‘fake late-night shows.’ It’s just we’re all still having a little trouble adjusting to your presidency as it goes into its … 500th year. Everything’s off its axis, it’s a little unusual. Apparently, Putin and Kim Jong Un are noble, intelligent role models, and Canada’s a bunch of giant assholes. That’s hard to get used to. You’re redoing the post-war alliances, but this time we’re with the axis powers. If there’s one hallmark to your presidency that I think we’re finding most difficult, it’s that, no matter what you do, it always comes with an extra layer of gleeful cruelty and dickishness. It’s not just that you don’t want people taking a knee, it’s that they’re sons of bitches if they do. It’s not just denying women who accuse you of sexual assault, it’s saying they were too ugly anyway. You can’t just be against the media, they’re ‘enemies of the people.’ Which brings us to immigration. Boy, you f**ked that up. It’s the seminal example of the _____ doctrine … Donald, you could have absolutely made a more stringent border policy that would have made your point about enforcement. But I guess it wouldn’t have felt right without a Dickensian level of villainy. You may be orange, you may like hamburgers, you may be a clown, but you are no Ronald McDonald. [So], let’s negotiate for an end to this gratuitous dickishness, what can we give you? You dig the dictator thing. How about a giant building with gold toilets and your name on it? Clearly, we’re not going to be able to negotiate or shame you into decency, but there is one place where I draw the line: I won’t allow you and your sycophants to turn your cruelty into virtue. You know, as the great Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘I am the least racist person you’ve ever met. The blacks, they love me.’ Sorry, that was you. [Lincoln actually said] ‘This and only this: cease to call slavery wrong, and join them in calling it right.’ It was on this point that Lincoln said the Union could not bend. And what _____ wants is for us to stop calling his cruelty and fear and divisiveness wrong, but to join him in calling it right. And this we cannot do. And I say, by not yielding, we will prevail!”

Word.

We.Will.Prevail.

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Darren Criss, on playing gay characters:

“Because that narrative is an interesting narrative. It’s a historically heroic narrative that involves resilient brave people and to be any kind of beacon for that story for any characterization of that element is fucking amazing…Like what a f**king privilege.”

And I imagine the roles are more fabulous!

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Ryan Murphy, Glee, American Horror Story, Pose, The Normal Heart, The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story, producer/director, receiving VH1’s Trailblazer Award:

“When I was first starting out in this business in the late 1990s, it was not easy for me. I was told not to follow my instinct, to be someone else. I was told I was too weird, I was too faggy, I was too unusual. My mannerisms and my voice were mocked by executives in note meetings … But honestly, it was very painful to be discriminated against because what I wanted to do with my life, with my career, was very simple. And that was to see myself and my experiences on television. Oprah Winfrey speaks very movingly about watching the Academy Awards and seeing herself and what she could possibly be when Sydney Poitier won an Oscar in 1964. As a gay man I never had that experience. I never saw triumphant, or at the very least, complicated gay people or gay characters on television. Where in the movies as a child or as a teenager, they were always marginalized punchlines at best, beaten for who they were most of the time, killed for who they were. I believe strongly in the power of television because I believe in the following: if you see yourself and some part of your human experiences reflected back at yourself, you will not feel alone. And people with hatred and bias in their hearts can often be converted if a character or situation they’re invested in feels like a friend.”

Say what you will about Ryan Murphy, but he has made a conscious effort to bring LGBTQ people to television and film so we can finally see ourselves.

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Collin Martin, a midfielder for Minnesota United, coming out as gay and becoming the only openly gay professional athlete active in any of the five major sports leagues:

“I have been out as a gay man for many years to my family and friends, and this includes my teammates. Today, I’m proud that my entire team and the management of Minnesota United know that I am gay. I have received only kindness and acceptance from everyone in Major League Soccer and that has made my decision to come out publicly much easier. As we celebrate Pride night, I want to thank my teammates for their unconditional support for who I am. In light of my experience as a professional athlete, I want to take this moment to encourage others who play sports professionally or otherwise to have confidence that sport will welcome them wholeheartedly. June is Pride month, and I am proud to be playing for Pride, and to be playing as an out gay man.”

I always say that we are not so proud to be gay, but we are proud to be openly gay, in a world that sometimes wishes we weren’t.

Welcome out, Collin, and please accept, as our gift from HOMO HQ, a copy of the Gay Agenda and The Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™.

Welcome out.

PS He's hot.

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Michelle Wolf, White House Correspondents Dinner firebrand, on the civility debate:

“You have to insult them specifically. ‘You’re a c**t’ doesn’t hurt them. It’s on their vision board. If you see Ivanka on the street, first call her Tiffany. This will devastate her. Then, talk to her in terms she will understand. Say, ‘Ivanka, you’re like vaginal mesh. You were supposed to support women, but now you have blood all over you and you’re the center of a thousand lawsuits.’ … You’re like that birth control pill Yaz. At first it seemed like it’d be really cool and helpful, but you need to be immediately recalled.”

I’m liking the idea.

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, explaining Democratic socialism:

“I believe that in a modern, moral and wealthy society, no person in America should be too poor to live. What that means to me is healthcare as a human right; it means that every child, no matter where you are born, should have access to a college or trade-school education, if they so choose it. I think that no person should be homeless if we have public structures or public policy to allow for people to have homes and food and lead a dignified life in the United States.”

Is that so wrong?

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I Didn't Say It ....

Mo Brooks, a Republican Congressman from Alabama, because of course, on the cause of rising sea levels:

“Every time you have that soil or rock or whatever it is that is deposited into the seas, that forces the sea levels to rise, because now you have less space in those oceans, because the bottom is moving up.”

Brooks then said the California coastline and the White Cliffs of Dover tumble into the sea every year, and that contributes to sea-level rise.

Seriously; a grown-assed, ALLEGEDLY intelligent man, said this.

Damn those White Cliff of Dover for ruining our planet!

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Rex Tillerson, former Secretary of State, fired by Tweet, the commencement address today at the Virginia Military Institute:

“If our leaders seek to conceal the truth, or we as people become accepting of alternative realities that are no long grounded in facts, then we as American citizens are on a pathway to relinquishing our freedom. A responsibility of every American citizen to each other is to preserve and protect our freedom by recognizing what truth is and is not, what a fact is and is not. Begin by holding ourselves accountable to truthfulness and demand our pursuit of America’s future be fact-based – not based on wishful thinking, not hoped-for outcomes made in shallow promises – but with a clear-eyed view of the facts as they are, and guided by the truth that will set us free to seek solutions to our most daunting challenges. When we as people, a free people, go wobbly on the truth, even on what may seem the most trivial of matters, we go wobbly on America.”

Huh. I wonder who he might be talking about.

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Ryan Murphy, announcing that all profits from his new show on the 1980s New York ballroom scene, Pose, will be donated towards Transgender and LGBTQ communities:

“I am donating 100 percent of my profits from my new FX show POSE towards trans and LGBTQ charitable organizations. These groups do amazing work and need our support. Every day for the next 14 days I will highlight a group I’m supporting, and encourage you to do the same!”

Good for him. Hopefully the show is successful and lots of coins come forth!

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Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, on the assertion by China, during trade talks, that American beef was tainted with mad cow disease:

“I pointed out to them that both the president and I eat quite a lot of American beef. And other than the fact that we’re in public office, there are no signs of mental instability as a result.”

Sorry, Wilbur, both you and the Fat Bastard are mad as hatters.

And dumb, too.

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Andrew Garfield, starring in the Broadway revival of Tony Kushner’s Angels in America, on Miss Vanjie’s now iconic exit from RuPaul’s Drag Race:

“I was so disappointed to see Miss Vanjie go – as everyone was. And that exit is like one of the iconic moments…I believe…of Drag Race history… What the hell was that?  Were you taken over by a divine entity? It’s hypnotized the culture. She was channeling, there was something…Bruce Springsteen and Miss Vanjie, I feel changed by so far this year – maybe Miss Vanjie slightly more profoundly.”

Carlos and I cannot get enough of "Miss Vanjie ... Miss Vanjie ... Miss Vanjie."

We use it all the time!

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Deadpool, crashing Stephen Colbert’s Late Show monologue: 

“And President Trump spent the day complaining on Twitter about leaks inside the White House, because we all know Trump prefers his leaks inside of Russian hotel rooms. You get it, Stephen? Because the president watched two Russian prostitutes urinate on a hotel-room mattress?”

Listen to Deadpool.

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Jason Statham, apologizing now for his tirade … if he said it:

“Someone approached me claiming to have a tape of me using terms offensive to the LGBTQ community during a conversation I had with my producing partner, on a movie set five years ago. I have never heard the recording and my multiple requests to hear the recording have been refused. I have no recollection of making any of these offensive comments. However, let me be clear, the terms referenced are highly offensive. If I said these words, it was wrong and I deeply apologize. Anyone who knows me knows it doesn’t reflect how I feel about the LGBTQ community. While I cannot fix what was said in the past, I can learn from it and do better in the future.”

This is what ALLEGEDLY said that day:

“Stop acting like a f***ing fag. I hate that faggity f***ing shit. Talking, whispering …you guys are acting like a bunch of f***ing faggots. If you want to tell me something don’t wait till I do 15 f***ing takes before you say something. Stop being a f**king fag and be more assertive…. I just hate that f***ing faggity behaviour f***ing faggity shit… f***ing fags, I just hate that s***.”

I wonder how someone can forget that kind of tirade.

But I hope that if Statham did say these things he’s learned that being a dick doesn’t pay.

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I Didn't Say It ....

Ryan Murphy, on his new FX show, Pose, a tribute to the 1980s NYC ballroom scene: 

“Along with being a dance musical and an affirming look at American life in the 1980s, I’m so proud that ‘Pose’ and FX has made history right from the beginning by featuring the most trans series regular actors ever in an American television production. Additionally, the first season ‘Pose’ will feature 50-plus LGBTQ characters — a record in American television history. I can’t wait for people to see this incredibly talented, passionate cast.”

This looks so good, and I am loving the hiring of actual trans actors and LGBTQ characters.

The march goes on …

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Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, on the hush money having everything to do with the election:

“There were extensive communications between Michael Cohen and Keith Davidson in October 2016 relating to the timing of this payment and the need for this payment to be made prior to the election. Extensive communications relating to the need for the payment to be made, when it was made and as to related to potential influence on the election. So, any claim that the payment had nothing to do with the election is completely bogus. There’s no question it had everything to do with the election.”

Like she said on SNL, “A storm’s a’comin’.”

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Neil Cavuto, Fox News host, on _____ and his lying:

“How can you drain the swamp if you’re the one that keeps muddying the water? You didn’t know about that $130,000 payment to a porn star until you did. Your base probably might not care, but you should. I guess you’re too busy draining the swamp to ever stop and smell the stink you’re creating. That’s your doing. That’s your stink. Mr. President, that’s your swamp.”

A Fox pundit saying ______ stinks. My day is made!

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Rudy Giuliani, ____ lawyer, digging in deeper:

“First: There is no campaign violation. The payment was made to resolve a personal and false allegation in order to protect the President’s family. It would have been done in any event, whether he was a candidate or not. Second: My references to timing were not describing my understanding of the President’s knowledge, but instead, my understanding of these matters. Third: It is undisputed that the President’s dismissal of former Director Comey – an inferior executive officer – was clearly within his Article II power. Recent revelations about former Director Comey further confirm the wisdom of the President’s decision, which was plainly in the best interests of our nation.”

Okay, first … _____ paid $130,000 to cover up a lie Stormy Daniels was telling? I should start lying about the Fat Bastard and I can retire sooner rather than later.

Second … so you talked about what you understood but made no effort to figure out what _____ understood before flapping your gums?

Third … you’re still wrong, Rudy.

Take a seat until your ride comes to take you home.

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John Oliver, on Rudy Giuliani and ______, after Rudy, who was married to his first cousin for a time, called Ivanka a “fine woman” but said Jared Kushner is “disposable,” and his first marriage, which was to his first cousin:

“Think about it: They’re basically two versions of the same person. They’re both New Yorkers coasting on their reputations, they’ve both had three marriages, neither of them can shut up in front of a camera, and, perhaps most importantly, they both want to f**k Ivanka—which is weird for _____ because Ivanka is in his family, and is weird for Giuliani because she isn’t.”

As Randy Rainbow calls them, Rudy and the Beast!

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Michelle Obama, speaking to girls about working twice as hard as men for half the reward:

“I wish that girls could fail as bad as men do, and be okay, because let me tell you, watching men fail up—it is frustrating. It's frustrating to see a lot of men blow it and win. And we hold ourselves to these crazy, crazy standards.”

How long before Melania steals this for a speech?

And Michelle? Run for President, girl.

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Seth Meyers, on Rudy Giuliani’s disastrous week of interviews and _____’s explanation for the mess:

“Yeah, give the kid [Rudy] a break! He’s only 73 going on Nosferatu. He’s a former mayor and U.S. attorney who’s now the lawyer for the President of the United States and _____ talks about him like he’s a trainee at Chipotle.”

Well, Rudy certainly acts more like he should be asking if I want beans or rice than being a lawyer for a sexual predator!

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Jim Parsons, on some people saying the gay rom-com Love, Simon was unnecessary:

“I read a couple of articles that were essentially saying – I loved it, by the way, but there were a couple articles that were like, ‘that’s too late.’ … That we were beyond this now, the kind of tale of coming out that this was. And I thought, ‘Maybe if you’re a 30-something writer living in New York or LA it may be like ‘I don’t need to see this’, obviously.  But I don’t know – I think there are people in many other places that, yes you do still need to see it. [And] never mind the fact [they’re saying] ‘a gay romcom it’s too late.’ Tell that to When Harry Met Sally, you know, which was brilliant, but I’m saying, ‘How many straight rom-coms do we need? When is it too late for them?’ There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re fine. They are lovely. And I love When Harry Met Sally, I dunno…Let me get sick of too many gay rom-coms thank you very much. Bring it on. We’ll see.”

Seriously. Straight rom-coms have been around since movies started being made, and suddenly a same-sex rom-com is too much?

Take a seat, haters.

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