It's Snarkurday!

Remember Katherine Heigl? She was on Grey’s Anatomy until she had a hit movie and then her movie career tanked so she crawled back to TV in State of Affairs and then that tanked, so now she has a new gig doing … wait for it … it’s priceless … kitty litter commercials.

Yup, she’s the shill for Cat’s Pride Fresh & Light Ultimate Care kitty litter, but, to hear Heigl say it, she’s doing the ads because Cat’s Pride is donating a portion of the profits to her animal charity, The Jason Debus Heigl Foundation. Right, because every Emmy-award winning actress, who made a few successful rom-coms, then went back to TV and bombed becomes a spokestool for a spot for cats to take a dump.

Karma is not only a bitch, she’s one high-larious bitch!

So Madonna is continuing her Meltdown Rebel Yell tour Down Under and it’s still a hot mess. Even if we excuse the drunken tricycle riding clown as part of the act it’s still a mess. And now it’s going so badly that she actually performed to a half-empty stadium this week … because the trains stopped running before the show started so people left so they could get home.

Then … in Brisbane, Madonna sexually assaulted Josephine Georgiou, a 17-year-old girl. Georgiou says it was all a misunderstanding that occurred when Madge pulled her up onstage to “walk the runway” while she “spanked” her — that’s entertainment? But then Madonna started playing with Georgiou’s corset and it came open, exposing the girl onstage.

Madonna’s response:

“Oh sh-t. Oh sorry … You can do the same to me if you like…”

Luckily for Madge, Georgiou didn’t mind having her breasts exposed in a video that’s gone viral — she calls it “the best moment of my life” — but, still, this is a Madonna show? I guess after waiting two hours or more for Madonna to paste on her clown make-up needs the reward of audience nudity to make it worthwhile?

Victoria Beckham opened a store for her clothing line in Hong Kong this week and had a special moment with her fans, by agreeing to pose for a photograph surrounded by the hordes of “regular people.”

“Regular people” who were kept five feet away from her behind a sheet of glass.

Rule # 1: No one touches or breathes on Posh Spice.

Chris Brown has gotten another new temporary restraining order against him courtesy of one Danielle Patti who says Brown, whom she claims to have dated, has been harassing her and making death threats against her on social media.

Batterer say what? Chris Brown getting violent with a woman? But this isn’t the first time Chris and Danielle have tussled; last December, Chris called police on Danielle after she refused to leave his property and she was charged with criminal trespassing.  But Danielle says it wasn’t like that; she wanted to leave, but couldn’t because someone had parked their car in front of hers and now says she was cleared of the criminal trespassing charges.

So she’s gotten a judge to order that Chris stay 100 yards away from her and have no contact with her on social media. There will be a hearing later this month to determine how permanent the restraining order will be.

The hearing will consist of the judge seeing the name “Chris Brown” on the TRO and instantly saying, “Petition granted.”

More Madge Meltdown? M’kay …

For weeks now, we’ve heard tales of how her Rebel Heart Tour has gotten cray-cray — onstage drunkenness, hours late to her shows, sexually assaulting teenagers — and people seem to think it has something to do with her son Rocco choosing to live with his father, Guy Ritchie, and not Mama Madge.

But, what if that isn’t why she’s gone off the rails? What if it’s … gasp … Sean Penn? See, after months of the two appearing cozy and comfy rumor has it that Sean has found himself a new girlfriend and that has driven Madge into Sad Clown Mode … especially after photos appeared of Penn kissing a 20-year-old mystery blonde while on a romantic date in Chicago.

Twenty-years-old? That’s almost three Madonna’s!

Rabid Catholic Mel Gibson and his former mistress and current baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva, have been battling it out in court over child support for years. Oksana ALLEGEDLY “leaked” audio recordings of Mel going batsh*t crazy on her and even got him to admit on tape to beating her. For a hot second it seemed like Mel might go to jail for being a batterer — he might have stayed in the Chris Brown Suite — and maybe Oksana would have scored a huge payday by way of child support for their daughter Lucia.

Not so much; in 2011, they settled on a pay-out of $750,000 over the course of five years, plus Mel bought Oksana a home. But now, in 2016, Oksana filed for bankruptcy and admitted that she forfeited half of her Gibson Settlement Cash because she broke the confidentiality agreement he made her sign as part of the deal.

Still, in addition to the settlement money and the house, Oksana gets $20,000 a month in child support and now she wants more because raising a baby in a house your ex bought and paid for is expensive. So she wants Mel to pay her $137.00 … an hour … all day … every day … all year … every year. Yup, she wants $100,000 a month because she claims she needs all that cash to keep her child living a life to which she’s become accustomed … though I imagine Lucia doesn’t see more than a few coins of any money that Daddy sends.

And, to put it in context, Oksana wants $100,000 a month for one child, while Charlie Sheen pays $110,000 a month for four kids. Just sayin’.

Blake Shelton has filed a $2 million lawsuit against In Touch magazine for saying he’s a drunk and in rehab. The article claims Blake hit rock bottom during his marriage to Miranda Lambert, and accused him of having a drinking problem and of cheating on her; as evidence, In Touch added details claiming Blake had been drunk on The Voice and once peed on a mailbox.

Blake’s lawsuit says it’s all a lie and that he doesn’t “drink excessively, binge drink or have a drinking problem” and that he has “never urinated on a mailbox” and that he does “not slur” his words and he does not “drink vodka before 11 AM.”

Now, after 11AM all bets are off. Look, I don’t care about Blake Shelton, drunk or not drunk, but when this story broke last week I heard an ET talking head say to him, “I’ve never interviewed you when you didn’t have a drink in your hand,” and he said, “I know.” And then he Tweets things like this:

“I’m so drunk right now I just walked in to Kentucky Fried Chicken and shouted "Finger licking good?!! Can yall dump my order in my pants?!"”

“I'm so hungover right now I just shaved my reflection and put on a single sock. Not on my foot...”

“I'm so drunk right now I just defrosted my cat... In the microwave...”

I’m not saying he’s a drunk but he plays the part really well.

Huge drama in Mimi’s camp, and all because of her sure-to-be-craptastic reality show and her manager, Stella Bulochnikov.

It appears that since Bulochnikov came aboard she has alienated all of Mimi’s peeps and now they’re bailing on her: her business manager, Michael Kane, her international publicist, Connie Filippello, her domestic publicist Chris Chambers, her tour manager Michael Richardson, her travel manager Gaylin Winkler and her stylist Wilfredo Rosado have all said bye-bye to Mimi. And all because, they ALLEGE, that Mariah has allowed Stella Bulochnikov to run her life.

Bulochnikov joined Carey as her manager last year and has since brought in her own family members to help manage Carey and that’s caused the mass exodus of her longtime team. Bulochnikov even brought in her own lawyer and bookkeeper which ALLEGEDLY left Mariah’s staffers waiting to be paid. And now it seems that Stella is using Mimi’s “reality” show to badmouth the former Carey Crew on-camera.

Seriously, it’s gonna be like a Real Housewives of Atlanta up in that show. When Page Six tried to contact Bulochnikov on the story she told them to “f**k off.” For her part, Mariah is too busy being wheeled through hotel lobbies to respond.

It seems that even though Chris Martin consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow last year he’s still as much of a diva as his ex-wife.

While Chris and Coldplay were performing on the Today Show last week, Chris was treated like royalty while his bandmates were treated like Octavia Spencer in The Help. It was raining during their TV set and when it was over Today Show handlers and assistants ran to Martin with towels and umbrellas and space heaters and blankets and blow-dryers and … and … everything a diva might want or need while the rest of the band was left to fend for themselves … using yesterday’s Daily News to shield themselves from the downpour.

Naturally, a rep for the band — someone named Pwyneth Galtrow — says this is “absolutely and completely false on every level — except that it was raining.”

And not the kind of rain that Chris Martin should ever have to endure since he’s become Paltrow’d.

Madonna is so full of herself, and thinks she’s above it all, that she actually had her “team” post fake “No Parking” signs outside her Upper East Side building so she could snag the precious spots for herself.

The signs red “Tenant Parking Only” and “Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Towed Away” and someone even painted a curb yellow and etched “No Parking” into sidewalk cement.

After complaints from her neighbors, Department of Transportation officials told Madonna’s people to take down the fake signs immediately.

I guess she’ll have to find somewhere else to park her tricycle after she returns from yet another drunken performance that started two hours late and played to a half-empty house.

Just sayin’.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lots of Beyoncé today so let’s rip … most folks believe Beyoncé thrives on hatin' the Kardastrophes, though I personally thinks the amount of time that she spends thinking about them is equal to the amount of time she spends thinking about me … okay, maybe she thinks about me more.

But then this happened and, well, I guess if Beyoncé didn’t hate Kim Kardastrophe-West before, she might now. See, KashKowKardastrophe-West took time out from taking photos of her ass and her baby and her ass of a husband to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and throw some butt-sized shade at Beyoncé for not coming to her pre-divorce ceremony:

“The worst was someone canceling last minute.”

And folks are saying the dig was planned, not accidental, like everything in KKK-W’s life. From the stores to the ass to the family to the marriages to the divorces to the babies. Planned. But don’t plan on Beyoncé ever being nice to you; just keep stroking your hair and saying ‘Oh my god’ while your face doesn’t move.

We don’t get a lot of gossip from the news world, unless it’s Shepard Smith acting like an entitled gay douche in a bar; or NBC trying to lay the blame of their crumbling ratings at the size ten heels of Ann Curry. But now we have some newsroom gossip, and once again it’s about NBC and how they handle change, er, firing people.

We’ve been hearing rumblings for a while now that David Gregory was being pushed out of Meet the Press after six years due to, of course, sagging ratings and, well, he’s no Tim Russert — for whom Gregory took over when Russert passed away in 2008.

The new host will be… Chuck Todd … another old white guy in a news chair,        AKA the status quo. But the surprising details about Gregory’s ouster is that he was paid $4 million to leave — as opposed to, say, me, who usually gets a restraining order when being asked to leave a job — and he was forced to  sign a contract not to speak out against the network.

Wow. What might Gregory have said about NBC that caused them to pay off his salary plus a great bit extra and demand that he never ever say a bad word about the network?

Perhaps, like Curry, he might have complained that he was one of the last to know that he was leaving for good. See, NBC leaked the story about Todd coming aboard MTP before even talking with Gregory; like they did Ann Curry.

In fact, NBC is having Andrea Mitchell host this week’s show — which would have been Gregory’s last — denying him a chance to even talk about leaving, bid a fond farewell, pass the baton to Todd or, do what I might do, throw a can of gasoline on the set and burn the mother**ker down.

Let’s dish Lohan … Lindsay is back in London after partying on yachts during her European vacation from not having a job and is set to start rehearsals for Speed-the-Plow next week. So, in advance of what’s sure to be the hottest ticket in the West End for the hottest mess in the West End, Lohan gave one of her cracked-out interviews…

On why she moved to London: “I wasn’t used to for a long time hearing my name on the television every second, whenever I turned on the TV it was promoting the OWN show and it was just a lot and it was kind of overwhelming and everyone knew where I lived. I moved to New York to find peace and I wanted to do something very real and show people who I am and because it’s a reality show it had to be done a certain way, and things had to look a certain way for ratings. That wasn’t my intention of moving to New York. I again got overwhelmed with that and wanted to get away for a minute and I came to London.”

Funny, it wasn’t her intention of moving to New York to do a reality show but it was the exact reason she moved there. And that “to find peace” bit; on a reality show, filmed in New York, where everyone knows where you live? Still cray cray Lohan.

On taking responsibility: “I think a lot of people have a misconception of me due to situations I put myself in, things that have been made up about me or manifested and I got into this to be an actress and you know I like to create, to write, I eventually want to direct. I lost a lot of that credibility and I take responsibility for some of it but it’s also an industry where it’s celebrity based and I have been made out to be something like that and I don’t want to be known for that, that’s not why I did this.”

Um, I’m’a need my Google ‘Looney-Toons to English’ translator for this one. I mean, that wasn’t Lindsay at all the clubs? Lindsay at all the jails? Lindsay in all those courtrooms? Mugshots? That’s all Hollywood’s fault because, you know, they made her a drug addict and a thief and an alcoholic.

It’s the same old Lindsay; she’s an actress, y’all, and that’s all she ever wanted to be until the media got hold of her and turned her into a drug-taking-booze-slurping-car-crashing-bar-fighting-man-whoring moron.

Just sayin’.

So, last week we learned that Gwyneth Paltrow was boning one of the creators of Glee before she actually consciously uncoupled from baby daddy Chris Martin. And now I realize why that story got out … to take some shine away from the news that Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow is now dating Jennifer Lawrence.

Yup, he went from shagging a woman who “won” an Oscar because Harvey Weinstein bought it for her, to a woman who’s been nominated more times than Paltrow has children — and is a decade-and-a-half younger — and actually won an Oscar as Best Actress not Best supporting Actress.

Plus, can you picture Gwyneth’s face when she finds out Chris and JLaw took Peaches and Herb, er, Moses and Apple, to Chuck E. Cheese?

I wanna be there when that explosion happens.

Meanwhile … back at Beyoncé: Remember that video of Beyoncé’s incredibly folding stomach when she was pregnant? And remember how, way before that, one week she was on-stage singing in a taut glitter swimsuit and the next week she was wearing a caftan to the VMA’s and holding her stomach to announce she was pregnant? And remember how people said she was never really pregnant?

Well, a woman named Tina Seals has filed a maternity suit against the Carters claiming that she is the real mother of Blue Ivy.

Here goes … and take this with a grain of crazy … but Tina Seals is seeking “to verify whether she is the biological mother” of Blue Ivy by saying she was “previously associated” in some way with “Beyoncé Knowles and Jay Z Carter.”

It’s pretty rare for a woman to file a maternity lawsuit, but it may just prove that Bey-Jay are just giant liars. But there is another theory: perhaps Seals and Jay Z had an affair, she got pregnant, and then gave the baby up for adoption to the Carters, only now she wants the baby, or a bigger piece of the pie.

Still, while this could be just a hot mess of a lie and some poor crazy woman lost in her delusions, coming amidst all the talk of the JayBey split, this is interesting at least.

And speaking of the JayBey split … Us Weekly has now jumped on that bandwagon because, A] the story is true, or 2] the story sells a butt-load of magazines. 

See, Us is saying Beyoncé is already making moves toward a split, and a source, perhaps a pissed off Kardastrophe, says “she is done” after their remaining On The Run shows in Paris.

And while Beyoncé still posts Happy Family Time photos to Instagram the rumors aren’t dying and maybe she’s beginning to believe the rumors about Jay Z’s cheating that came to a head during The Elevator Smackdown.

Beyoncé is reportedly “insecure” about Jay’s “wandering eye” and has taken to removing from his sight, and hers, anyone who might be his “type”: you know, a woman.

On a side note, one of the side pieces often mentioned in the Jay Z Cheating Scandal is none other than Rihanna and, while watching the Fashion Police last week, during a segment they call “Bitch Stole My look” the competitors were none other than Beyoncé and Rihanna … in the same look. 

The only difference was, Rihanna wore the look last year and Beyoncé, who has a team of spacklers and painters and cinchers on speed dial wore the look this year, and styled it exactly like Rihanna, down to using the exact same jewelry, wore it last month.

Uh huh.

And back to Paltrow … Jerry Seinfeld made a mint off his TV show; so much so that he buys cars and Hampton’s manses like their PayLess shoes during a BoGo sale. But, maybe Seinfeld is running low on funds because his wife, Jessica, seems to have taken a job as Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass-kissing, promotional director.

I mean, how else can we explain why Jessica Seinfeld would post a picture of her BFF Gwyneth Paltrow to Instagram with the following caption?

“I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many…Why not tag those people in your life who kill it in the friendship department? It’s Show Appreciation Sunday. (I made that up).”

Wow. Jerry and Jessica must really need the money if they’ve taken to being placed on Paltrow’s every-day-millionaire-mom payroll just to Instagram ass-kissing tributes.

Everyone knows Britney Spears doesn’t sing live; hell, she can’t sing, live or otherwise. But this story is especially high-larious because during a recent performance at her Vegas show, BritBrit was caught on camera lip-syncing to a song she recorded with Sia … only she was “singing” Sia’s parts … with Sia’s voice coming out over the sound system.

Um, Brit, if you’re gonna lip-sync, try doing it during the part of the song where you're ALLEGEDLY singing and not during someone else’s part.

M’kay?

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have been married for six years. We know that because every year they marry one another all over again in some splashy way to remind us all that their marriage is perfect and …

Over? They didn’t marry each other again this year. In fact, they haven’t been seen in public together since February and now comes word that they have been “living separately” after she hired security to keep him away from other women when he was out doing his little comedy act.

Mimi, always posing on social media with her family has been unusually quiet of late; in fact she hasn’t featured Nick on any of her sites since June, when Nick moved in with his grandparents and they put their $13 million California home on the market.

Community property say what?

UPDATE: Yesterday Nick confirmed that he and Mimi are no-no together.

Mischa Barton is desperate for a job, but apparently the only job she’s qualified for is to be Lindsay Lohan.

Last March, Mischa was supposed to start production on a movie called Promoted, and well before the start date, the producers tried to contact her to let her know that shooting was going to begin and to set up a round of costume fittings.

:::crickets:::

Mischa never called back, and the day before shooting was supposed to start, Mischa's momage emailed the producers to tell them that Mischa was ill in Europe and wouldn’t be able to start working on the movie until the end of the month except …

Mischa began posting pictures to Twitter and Instagram of her partying in Europe and not being ill in Europe and now, because the producers unbelievably gave Barton a $20,000 advance and she faked being sick, they’re suing her for the money back along with $200,000 in marketing expenses and another $100,000 they lost when she dropped out.

Wow. She’s trying to Out-Lohan Lohan.

So, Charlie Sheen’s drug-addict ex-wife, the twenty-seven-time rehabber, Brooke Mueller is being sued by her former assistant Lior Masaphor, who worked for her from December 2012 until March, 2013. He claims was paid $2,400 per month, but that he worked over 130 hours a week — which works out to about $4 an hour — and was never given a break — even while she was in rehab, I presume — and is owed a bunch of cash money.

That isn’t the story; the story is the “illegal and unsavory activities” he claims to have performed for Brooke, such as Brooke forcing Lior to act as a drug mule, forcing him to transport illegal drugs for her, forcing him to watch her children so Brooke could get high, and forcing him to watch her have sex with just about anybody and everybody.

This has been another edition of Gay Folks Can’t Have Kids, But Drug Addicts and Whores Can Have All The Children They Want.

Meanwhile … back at Lohan.

On the eve of her first real job in years — whatever happened to that movie she was hired to make at the end of her reality show … poof — Lindsay decided to go out and party … quelle surprise … at 1Oak in Southampton.

The big surprise came when Lindsay tried to pay the $2500 tab and her credit cards were declined.

What? No job? No credit? No problem?

No problem because Lindsay had to beg her fiends to help with the bill, had to lift up cushions in the booths for change, and may have turned a trick or two in the loo to leave a tip.

ALLEGEDLY.

I Didn't Say It ...

Dolly Parton, on marriage equality:

"I think everyone should be with who they love. I don't want to be controversial or stir up a bunch of trouble but people are going to love who they are going to love. I think gay couples should be allowed to marry. They should suffer just like us heterosexuals."

Good on Dolly, though I can do without the tired ‘let The Gays be miserable, too’ joke.

Chris Martin, Coldplay singer and recently consciously uncoupled from Paltrow, on boyband One Direction and singer Harry Styles:

"I think One Direction are the biggest band in the world, their songs are great. I'm saying One Direction are brilliant and I'm not kidding. You know why? Because their songs are really good and I don't think that any of them are going to go solo. I think they appreciate their chemistry from watching their movie... Harry has come to a couple of our shows, I think I probably said the same thing about chemistry. I can't remember - I was too enamoured with his hair cut. I was like this, 'I was pretty sure I was a straight guy before' - I was having a hot flush."

Hmm, maybe that’s why the conscious uncoupling?

Cliven Bundy, asshat rancher and Teabagger darling, explaining that he’s a racist because of Martin Luther King:

"I took this boot off so I wouldn’t put my foot in my mouth with the boot on. Let me see if I can say something. Maybe I sinned and maybe I need to ask forgiveness and maybe I don’t know what I actually said. But you know, when you talk about prejudice, we’re talking about not being able to exercise what we think and our feelings. We don’t have freedom to say what we want. If I call — if I say negro or black boy or slave, I’m not — if those people cannot take those kind of words and not be offended, then Martin Luther King hasn’t got his job done then yet. They should be able to — I should be able to say those things and they shouldn’t offend anybody. I didn’t mean to offend them."

Seriously how the Teabaggers ever elect anyone when their heroes are people like this fool is beyond me.

Bill Maher, on Cher's detractors:

“Stop saying 67 year-old year old Cher shouldn’t dress like this anymore. What’s she’s supposed to do, go out on tour wearing a pantsuit from Ann Taylor? You’ve got to admire anyone that can still fit into their old 70s rhinestone butt thong, whether it’s Cher or Richard Simmons. I say she still looks hot – even if that pastie doubles as an estrogen patch.”

It’s Cher, bitches, and she ain’t changing just because she’s getting older.

That’s why we love her.

Andrew Sullivan, on the Brendan Eich/Mozilla mess, and Donald Sterling’s racism:

"If Brendan Eich had made comments telling his friends to keep away from faggots, if he’d used any such terminology or had ever been shown to have discriminated against gays in the workplace or in his daily interactions, then his case would be very similar. But no such comments are in the public or private record, and there’s zero evidence that he ever acted in the workplace to harm gay employees. Au contraire, which is why gay Mozilla employees were divided about his ouster, with some supporting him. Sterling’s remarks, in contrast, reveal him to be a crude, foul bigot – which is why there is no division at all among African-Americans in the league – or beyond the league – about his fate."

True dat. Eich may have donated to Prop H8 and he may have voted Prop H8, but in this country he has that right.

Sterling’s blatant slave-owner mentality is a horse of a different color.

Victor Voronov, Johnny Weir’s on-again-off-again-on-again, and now apparently off-again, husband, saying Weir is “morally reprehensible":

"I was blinded by fear. Love and fear go hand in hand. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm codependent...I can't have a relationship with a woman again because now I'm openly gay. And I can't have a relationship with a man because I'm uncomfortable with my sexuality still."

First off, Vic, shut up. You picked him, and you knew he had baggage, and handbags. I could tell that just by seeing his picture.

And let’s be queer, you can’t have a sexual relationship with a woman because you’re gay and you don’t swing that way, and if you can’t have a relationship with a man seek therapy.

Stop whining, sit down, and shut.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Oh, hell to the No-prah. Lindsay Lohan took a giant payday and then failed to deliver as promised though she kept the money?

Indeed, it's true; Lindsay Lohan has turned out to be a losing bet for Oprah’s OWN network because, not only did her reality show docu-series fail to score big ratings — in fact it was often trumped by SpongeBob Squarepants — now an OWN insider — either Gayle King or Oprah's personal cupcake feeder—says:

"Lindsay agreed to be authentic and give the cameras full access to her life, but she didn’t. Instead, she didn’t film when she agreed to, did almost no publicity for the show and was drinking since almost day one of filming.”

And so now it looks like the once in-the-works Season Two of Lindsay will never, ever happen. See, the Big O was planning on renewing Lindsay’s reality show  docu-series if it turned out to be a success, but even the premiere was a bust, seen by just 700,000 viewers, which may seem like a lot, until you realize that reruns of The Big Bang Theory — re-effing-runs — average about 4 million viewers.  Lindsay was more like infomercial numbers, though most people ain’t buying what she’s selling.

And so it sounds like soon-to-be-out-of-work Lindsay can keep doing the sit-com-guest-shot career, though she might wanna hurry because her last appearance, on CBS’ 2 Broke Girls, was their lowest-rated episode of the season. In fact, as I saw promos several times before that 2BG episode aired, and not once was the name Lindsay Lohan uttered as a guest star; you only got a brief glimpse of her.

Huh. Sounds like just another day in her, ahem, career.

The Tale of Two Rings.

After consciously uncoupling last month from Gwyneth 'Is This My Head Or Is It A Macy's Parade Balloon' Paltrow, Chris Martin went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame without his wedding ring on and apparently had a grand time. 

Meanwhile, Poor Gwynnie is traipsing all over LA flashing her wedding band, like she's trying to make it seem like Chris is the one who wanted to uncouple, and boasting to pals that she STILL has Martin wrapped around her finger, and if she wanted him back, she'd have him back.

But Chris is telling friends that Gwyneth is so self-involved that she believed she was more evolved than him, and so she could better emotionally handle screwing other men while maintaining the picture of a happy marriage to her public.

My take: they've both been banging whomever they've wanted to for years only now, from what I hear, though rumor has it that Chris Martin might have actually fallen in love with one of his trysts and that sparked the uncoupling.

Uncoupling. It still makes me giggle.

Shortly after Johnny Weir returned from the Sochi games, everything fell apart in his marriage in spectacular fashion. Chronologically, just before Weir left for the Olympics, his husband Victor Voronov accused him of assault, only to drop the charges, and that was when Johnny announced they were splitting up.

Then it got crazy. Johnny and Victor both lobbed accusations at one another; Johnny claimed Victor assaulted him, and added that Victor was trying to blackmail him with some old nude photos of Johnny that Victor had taken; and there was talk of emotional abuse, and who got the purses and, well, it was a mess.

I say was, because now, unlike Gwynnie and Chris, Johnny and Victor are consciously recoupling.

Over the weekend Victor and Johnny agreed to reconcile and Johnny plans to move back into the family home this week, though there are some strings; Victor wants Johnny to sign a document agreeing to publicly apologize for all the nasty things he said about Victor, and Johnny must also agree in writing that he will no longer let his mother meddle in the marriage and will her nose out of their finances.

It's a post-pre-nup, I guess.

Dina's guilty, y'all. Yup, earlier this week Dina Lohan set down her box of wine long enough to appear in court and admit to being a drunk who drives.

Shocking though, that unlike her daughter she didn't find a way to blame it on literally everyone else, including, but not limited to, Franzia, the city of New York, the Long Island Expressway, any and all cars ever made, or me.

Since it was Dina's first DUI, the judge gave her 100 hours of community service and she’ll have to take a DUI class, though, if she's anything like Lindsay she won't do either and then go to court with the words 'F**k you' painted on her talons.

Her license was also revoked, and an interlock will be put in her car and she’ll have to pay a bunch of fines, so hopefully Lindsay can scam another TV show into giving her a guest shot because all that Oprah money is gone and Mama needs to stay out of the Big House.

Miley Cyrus had to cancel a concert in Kansas City this week because she was rushed to the hospital with an :::cough cough::: “allergic reaction”  to some antibiotics she was on, and not any kind of drug or alcohol related issue no matter what anyone says.

Now, who would like to buy a bridge?

The hospitalization comes on the heels of Miley's beloved dog, Floyd, dying, and then her Mama sending a new dog in to take the place of the old one without bothering to get an identical dog so Miley would never be the wiser. Sheesh, has this woman never seen The Brady Bunch? You always replace a dead pet with an identical looking one so no one knows Floyd died.

But, Miley knew it wasn't the same dog so she instantly gave it away and then ALLEGEDLY partied away her pain which lead to "antibiotic allergies."

Still, while Miley may have been rushed to the hospital because of a reaction to antibiotics, it seems the reason she was on the meds in the first place was because she wore herself down by partying extra hard since her dog was taken to a farm where he could run around in an open meadow. 

Yeah; that's easier to buy than an allergic reaction to penicillin.

I don’t watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta because those women are so trashy, but every so often I peek in on the reunion show to watch all the drama balled up into a neat little package.

Well, this seasons’ reunion might be better than a Jersey Table Flip because it seems that one of the “housewives,” Porsha Stewart [right] found herself arrested for assault after attacking Twirling Kenya Moore [left] during a reunion taping.

And Andy Cohen who never met drama he didn’t want to sign to a contract, says:

“To me, it came out of nowhere. The other women felt that Kenya kind of provoked her a little bit and was provoking her. I think I was just so shocked and so surprised, and I was just really upset. I don’t want that happen. I think it’s gross, and I think it’s just totally inappropriate, it’s wrong, it’s not entertaining. It’s just bad.”

Yet he’s airing it and talking about it. But he did give Porsha her pink slip for the attack, so maybe he’s sorry about it, or maybe he’s angry she didn’t attack all the women.

When Kim Kardashian and Beyoncé Knowles were both spotted leaving the same L.A. dermatologist on the same day last week, fans wondered if they’d finally bonded during a girls’ day out. But it appears that the dual skin appointments were just an accident, because ain’t no way Beyoncé is gonna hang with the Kash Kow no matter how much Kanye begs.

She ain’t gonna fold like Anna Wintour, y’all.

Apparently,when Kash Kow arrived at the doctor’s office, she “seemed so excited to see Beyoncé and ran over to her like an eager puppy, but Beyoncé looked like she wanted nothing to do with Kim and was really trying to stay away from her.

To be fair, the two women did have a brief chat — though I guess it was mostly Beyoncé saying, ‘Sorry. Who are you again? — about their respective oddly named children, Green Hydrangea and WestCoast thought the attempt to bond over mommyhood was not exactly well-received.

Beyoncé looked like she couldn’t have cared less,” a source — possibly That Woman, in for her weekly lamb placenta facial — says. “It seemed so clear that she did not want to talk with Kim and was just being polite to her. They really didn’t look at all like friends.”

And why would they be? Beyoncé, Jay Z, and, yes, even Kanye, are entertainers and performers who’ve based their careers on talent and drive.

Kim based her career on being able to lie on her back with her heels to God.

A not so Glee-filled set? Rumors are flying that Lea Michele — who considers herself the star of Glee — and Naya Rivera are battling divas both on-camera and off.

The Naya Fans say that Lea held up production while she dealt with a 'personal issue,' and Naya went to the producers to complain about the hold up. Well, Lea heard about this and dramatically exited stage left and never came back to the set.

The Lea Fans naturally have a different story. They say that Lea and Naya weren’t even shooting scenes together when she asked for a break, and never knew Naya complained about her. But, the Lea Fans say that it was Naya who was kicked off the set and was subsequently fired, though Team Naya says ain’t never happened.

Still, there was an interesting Blind Item circulating around the net this week which might help explain all the drama:

There was a TV actress who broke up with her musician boyfriend after she read text messages on his phone between him and one of her co-stars whom he ALLEGEDLY screwed on the side. While both sides are spinning their own ‘truth’ publicly, we do know that there are two facts that both sides privately acknowledge as being true:

#1: She broke up with him; and

B: She ended it because he cheated.

It seems kinda clear that this blind item is about Naya and Big Sean who recently broke off their engagement, and most people suspect that Sean was banging on Lea’s door which may, or may not, have lead to one diva, or the other, walking off the set.

Stay tuned. And maybe stay tuned to Glee because their ratings are way down and they either need better stories or some hot gossip to keep folks interested.