It's Snarkurday!

After it was revealed that Matt Lauer was a creeper, and a creep—with a secret-button-under-the-desk to lock his door after women entered—his wife Annette Roque ended their marriage and kicked him out of their Hamptons’ home.

Annette attempted to file for divorce once before, back in 2006, but Matt charmed her gave her $5 million to stick around. But now Anette and Matt are once again in divorce negotiations, but $5 million just won’t do it this time.

Annette wants more … like she wants both of their family homes—a 40-acre farm in Water Mill, NY, and the manse in the Hamptons; she and Matt own a ranch in New Zealand which they are selling and splitting the profits. Annette also wants financial support for herself—not spousal support—but a one-time payout of $20 million, and then she won’t ask for child support for their three children, though Matt will still be responsible for half the education and health costs until each child is 21.

Who knew that marrying Matt Lauer would be like winning the lottery?

I’d have married him for two houses and $20 million.

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John Travolta lives in a world where it’s perfectly okay to fondle the crotch of your male massage therapist without permission … ALLEGEDLY … but last week, in Cannes to promote his next big flop, Gotti, Johnny was asked about the #MeToo movement and his answer was so incredibly ignorant and stupid and nonsensical that I thought maybe his toupee was too tight.

During a press event, a moderator spent most of the time gushing about Travolta’s career in movies—not his career in men’s locker rooms … ALLEGEDLY—but finally someone asked about #MeToo and the nearly 100 women protesting at Cannes about the underrepresentation of female filmmakers at the festival. Travolta said he hadn’t really heard much about #MeToo because, again, my guess, tiny tight toupee:

“I honestly don’t know a ton about it, because I try my best to keep people equal— men, women, races. My father was brilliant at it. He had a global viewpoint. I’m a citizen of the globe, and I’m a citizen of groups and people.”

You know you’ve had too much Scientology when …you don’t have a clue what’s going on in the real world but call yourself global.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt walked the red carpet of the Fox Upfronts last week—she’s taking over for the departing Connie Britton ion 9-1-1 next season—and then went on Instagram to apologize for something no one said about her.

After the event, Hewitt—who wishes she’s trademarked ‘JLo’ for herself—saw her photos online and was mortified and so she raced to film an Instagram live video to explain:

“We go to the Upfront yesterday and nobody tells me the day is going to be like 12 hours long and the humidity is going to be almost 100 percent in New York City. So, I just have to apologize. Wearing a black suit? Not a good idea. Not wearing enough hairspray and teasing in my hair? Also, a bad idea. I just have to apologize for how wrecked I look in all the pictures that have come out. I was literally melting ... My hair was flat, my makeup was running off my face and I looked like I had completely forgotten I was an actress in this business who is supposed to look [perfect] when you step on the red carpet. That is not what I’m going to look like on the show. I’m going to have makeup on my face. I’m not going to be sweating ... Honestly, I apologize. I should’ve really gotten it together!”

Honey? No one asked about your looks. They were too busy wondering why anyone would hire you for anything.

Apologize for that.

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After fathering five or so kids with two or so women, Hugh Grant has actually decided to marry one of his Baby Mama’s.

Hugh got engaged to his longtime girlfriend and mother to some of his kids, Anna Eberstein. Hugh and Anna have three kids: a two-year-old daughter, a five-year-old son, and a third kiddo who was born earlier this year that they aren’t talking about too much.

Hugh also has two kids with his ex, Tinglan Hong. 

Whether that means he’ll be changed enough to alter his outlook on monogamy remains to be seen. Back in 2016, Hugh had a mouthful to say about the subject of long-term relationships to Howard Stern:

“If you ask me the question, ‘Do I think human beings are meant to be in 40-year-long monogamous, faithful relationships?’ No, no. Whoever said they were?”

That’s one way to start a marriage with a woman who gave birth to three of your five children at the same time another woman was giving birth to the other two kids.

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Religion has always been the go-to for pop stars seeking to portray themselves as rebels; think Madonna during her entire career. Think Katy Perry trying to evict nuns from their home because she wanted it.

Now think Beyoncé who just snatched up a church in New Orleans for $850,000. To be fair, the 100-year-old, church has been out of commission since a lot of the members died, but still … Beyoncé … church?

Why? Oh, she thinks she’s some kind of a god … of auto-tune and weaves and oscillating fans. Or maybe she’s found another way to whore herself out for coins. See, recently, about 900 of her most devoted zombies began attending a church service in San Francisco called “Beyoncé Mass.”

And now Beyoncé bought a church in Nawlin’s? How long before she starts her own mass, and sells tickets to his and turns the alter into a concession stand?

If it ain’t making her money, Beyoncé ain’t doin’ it.

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Last weekend Janet Jackson won the Icon award at the Billboard Music Awards, and many members of the family were there to see her—after probably cashing a check from Miss Jackson.

Prince Michael was there; Mama Katherine, too. Even the non-singing one—except for that one unfortunate tune in the 80s—Rebbie Jackson was there. Not there; Paris Jackson. Was it because no one likes Paris?

Not according to her; the day after the show, Paris posted an Instagram story complaining that nobody had bothered to tell her about Aunt Janet’s big night:

“No one from my mgmt reached out to me about attending billboards or about the award, and no one from my family did either. I had absolutely no idea until y’all spammed with hatred.”

Hey Paris? The Jackson Five weren’t there … LaToya? Nope. Blanket? Unless he was laying under a seat he wasn’t there either, so it wasn’t just you … it’s most of your messy family who didn’t get the ticket, or a check.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of the most annoying people on the planet, and not just because she asks people to call her Love, though that’s a big part of it.

She’s annoying because she has no discernible talent, other than having ginormous breasts as a teenager on some hit TV show.

She’s annoying because she’s man-crazy, or at least she was until she got knocked up by a random dude she married.

But we’ll go back to before Knocked-Up-Married, to when she was just a stalker who sent Matt Damon a bed.

Yes, she did. And she tells the story like this:

“I was reading an article, and he said this really sad thing about how all his dreams were coming true but he didn’t feel that he had a bed of his own, he was always traveling. I remember being really busy also and thinking, that’s so sad, to have all your dreams come true but not have a solid foundation. So for some reason, I thought an aerobed would help that for him. In my head, I thought, He can travel with it, then it’s always his safe place. I didn’t go over it with anyone, I should’ve been like, “Hey, should I send this to Matt Damon?” and they would’ve been like, “No, you’re crazy, don’t do it!” But I didn’t, so I got the information he was in Paris, filming something, so I sent it to Paris.”

Cray-zay. Naturally, Matt Damon had the bed burned because god knows what filthy things Love had done in it before shipping it halfway around the world to a total stranger.

Cray-zay.

America’s Most decorated Olympian, Michael Phelps, is now on the run to become America’s Most Arrested For DUI Olympian.

Over the weekend, Phelps was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Baltimore for erratic driving and for going 84 MPH in a 45 MPH zone.

The officer who stopped the Olympian said he seemed to be drunk, though, to be fair, Michael Phelps always looks drunk; but there was the stench of booze that also alerted the officer to the crime, and he failed the subsequent series — meaning more than one — of standard field sobriety tests. He was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speed, and crossing double lane lines.

He was later released and said to be back behind the wheel training for the Jack Daniels Swerve-a-lympics, but for right now he is sorry:

“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding, and crossing double lane lines. I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”

Oh yeah, this is Phelp’s second DUI so yeah, his words don’t mean much at all.

I admit it, I have been watching The View lately now that Grandma Barbara has been sent to a farm where she can run and play with all the other retired journalists. I watch because, most of the time, I like Whoopi Goldberg and her common sense approach to life, and because Rosie O’Donnell is back and one of the other co-hosts used to work for Rosie’s archenemy George “War For Oil” Bush. I thought that would be a catfight worth watching, but apparently Rosie and the Republican are getting along well, but it’s Rosie and Whoopi who are fighting.

According to sources — and by sources I mean a studio filled with people — Rosie and Whoopi got into a shouting match during a commercial break that ended with Whoopi tossing every filthy word she could think of at O’Donnell.

Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children during the Hot Topics segment and as they ran out of time, the producers told Whoopi to end the discussion and go to a commercial break.

Ruh-roh. Now, Rosie doesn’t wear the earpiece so she didn’t hear the producers call for the Shut Rosie Down and once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and saying she “hurt her feelings”.

Whoopi set down her joint — I kid, she smokes backstage y’all — and warned Rosie that this was neither the time nor the place, but Rosie continued to go full-Rosie, telling the audience:

“Well I just don’t appreciate you saying that you were going to do something and not doing it. It makes me upset and I just don’t want to have to go through this.”

That’s when Whoopi, who never met an F-bomb she didn’t drop, pick back up and drop again, said:

“Fuck it, I told you to leave it alone and you just don’t want to listen. If you want to go there Rosie, I will dammit. I’m really sick of your shit.”

Cat Fight! Except … the “sick of your shit” comment seemed to shut Rosie down — too bad Hasselbeck didn’t know that — and so The Other Rosie, AKA  Rosie Perez tried to lighten the mood by saying to the audience:

“Oh shit, Twitter is going to be off the hook now. They’re about to get it.“

Afterwards Barbara Walters wrote Rosie Perez a check for $5 million dollars and elevated her status to Co-Host Referee.

I don’t know anyone who likes going to the dentist, but Charlie Sheen must really hate it …

It appears that the former 2.5 Men star, and current star of the aptly named Anger Management, went berserk on a dental technician after she placed a mask on his face for nitrous oxide.  Sheen ALLEGEDLY reacted by be waving his arms and ultimately hitting her, and the dentist is now claiming that Sheen pulled out a knife and tried to attack him.

How? Why?

Oh, Sheen’s bodyguard made the apologies, by saying Charlie was high on rock cocaine at the time, but even after the mea culpa the Los Angeles Police Department is looking into the incident.

Justin Bieber who was banging Selena Gomez when he ALLEGEDLY banged Miranda Kerr — whose ex, Orlando Bloom punched The Biebs in a Spanish nightclub — is now ALLEGEDLY banging Kendall Jenner who is ALLEGEDLY banging the tiny tot so he can introduce her to Chris Brown because that’s her end game.

I need an Excel spreadsheet to keep up with this pool of STDs.

Small Bites … Ben Affleck’s penis makes its film debut in Gone Girl. I heard it’s a small part.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So, Orlando Bloom — and why do people think he’s hot … am I missing something? — and Miranda Kerr have split up. Okay.  And rumors abound that Miss Miranda was banging everyone from Leo DiCaprio to Gerard Butler to — wait for it … it’s laughably insane — Justin Bieber, but, maybe it was Orlando’s wandering Mini-Orlando that ended the marriage.

It seems that Mr. Bloom, now appearing on Broadway in Romeo & Juliet — he’s a 36-year old Romeo — might have been stepping out on the Missus with his Juliet, Condola Rashad, and that the flirtation made Miss Miranda very jealous. It also probably didn’t help that Orlando admitted that sometimes when he kisses Condola on stage, he doesn’t want to stop. Ow.

For now, though, Miranda and Orlando continue their friendly façade, though some say it’s to protect their images — as philanderers, I’m guessing — and because Miranda wants primary custody so she can take their son to live in Australia.

But I think it will come down to this: Orlando ALLEGEDLY cheated on his wife with Condola, but Miranda ALLEGEDLY cheated on her husband with The Biebs.

Orlando wins, simply for being the classier adulterer.

That darned Vanity Fair article — or at least the hint of a Vanity Fair article — is really stirring up Miss Gwynnie. Now, apparently the article that details the ugliness that is Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t quite  ready yet because there was no Gwynnie in the November issue and no Goop-y in December. So, ALLEGEDLY VF is holding off for the January issue, which comes out in December and would look lovely under a fir tree with a big red bow on it.

Gwynnie Dish for Xmas!

Anyway, Vanity Fair is said to be revealing Gwyneth’s ALLEGED 2009 affair with billionaire Jeffrey Soffer. He wasn’t married at the time, but she was, and Gwynnie and Chrissy Martin were having problems so she spent a lot of time in Florida where Soffer lives, staying at his mansion, and, according to some friends, getting all snugly with him at private parties. And there is some talk that their little affair may have dripped over into the beginning of his relationship with Elle Macpherson; they’ve been together since late 2009 — hence the overlap — and just got married a few months ago and that may explain why Elle doesn’t want Gwynnie anywhere near her man.

Sources — and it might be little Kiwi Martin, Gwynnie’s daughter — say Elle has been struggling to cope as more details emerge about how close Jeff was with Gwyneth: “It’s only been a few months since her wedding [and] she’s so upset that this has tainted everything.”

And while Elle plans to keep her head down, and her mouth closed, in hopes it will blow over, one thing will never change, says the source: “Elle hates Gwyneth.”

Join the club. 

More Gwynnie? Okay …

One magazine that Paltrow loves, and is on the cover of, is the new issue of Red; of course, that may be because she and her “Goop team” — apparently it takes a team because you know Gwynnie is just a mouthy figurehead — guest-edited the issue, but here are some highlights from what Goop has to say:

“The older I get, I realize it doesn’t matter what people who don’t know you think. It doesn’t matter. You’re wasting your energy. It’s like, if your partner comes to you – or your best friend – and says, ‘Listen, I want to talk about something you did that hurt me, or I think you could improve,’ sit down and listen to what they have to say. But some friend of so-and–sos – it’s like, who gives a s—? And for me, obviously, I have it on a very large, global scale. I don’t have it in the village gossip way; but it’s the same thing. That’s why I really don’t read anything. Because if it’s important, it filters down to me.”

She doesn’t give a sh-t, but she never fails to bring it up. You just know she has a Google alert on her name and whenever it pings she beats feet to the nearest computer.

Remember how she forbade her friends to talk to Vanity Fair? Does a woman who doesn’t give a sh-t about what people think or write or say about her order friends to zip it?

Methinks she doth protest too much.

Since we brought up The Biebs earlier, let’s add some more juice.

It seems he went to a strip club in Texas and was like a kid in a candy store perverted man-child in a titty bar grabbing asses and trying to cop a feel of the dancers. And it cost him $10,000.

During a recent visit to VLive, an alcohol-free strip club in Houston, Miss Justine dropped $10,000 in under 90 minutes, giving 7K to a dancer named Diamond who offered an exclusive performance for the little perv.

“He grabbed my butt and asked if it was real,” she says, “and smiled when I said yes.”

While having his fingers do the walking on a strippers thronged butt might have been the highlight of any prepubescent boy’s life, what really turned on Miss Justine is when one of her :::cough cough::: “songs” played over the club’s sound system.

“That was when he made it rain,” Diamond says. “He went crazy!”

And may, or may not, have copped a feel of his own ass.

Last week, in a desperate attempt to sell books and buy a new purse and a vasectomy for her husband, Tori dished on Katie Holmes, calling the former Prisoner of Cruise ‘plastic.’ Now, her desperation growing, Tori is talking again, and releasing more juicy details about her life in the hopes that she won’t have to get an actual job to pay for things.

See, Tori says she has a sex tape, shot with husband Dean McDermott on Valentine’s Day 2009, and recently revealed — in her upcoming book entitled I’m  A Whore And Will Say Anything For An Hermes Handbag … or something, that someone is reportedly interested in making it public.

Kris Jenner say what?

Actually there is one person interested, but that might be because Tori took it to him: Steve Hirsch, of Vivid Entertainment. He even wrote a letter to Tori, spelling — see what I did there? — out his offer, and Tori and hubby Dean — who also doesn’t have a job — are said to be interested.

How lovely for their children.

What’s up Lohan?

Lindsay somehow landed herself a gig “hosting” a Halloween party at Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut. It was fairly basic; Lindsay would show up 10 PM, pose on the red carpet, hang out for a bit inside and get 50K for her time.

Fifty thousand? It might sound like a lot, but Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe gets upwards of 200K to show up and do nothing.

Anyway, Lindsay didn’t show up until 11:43 PM — nearly two hours late — dressed as Carrie and skipped the whole red carpet, spoke to no one, and just walked into the party. Now the promoters want their cash back, although they may only get some of their fee returned because Lindsay, and co-host Floyd Mayweather Jr., did judge the Halloween costume contest together.

Mayweather also got 50K but he showed up on time, walked the carpets and talked with fans.

Has Lindsay fallen off the wagon, or is she just acting like a spoiled, self-involved, perhaps not drunk or high diva?

Speaking of Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Miss Kanye, when are they gonna shut up about that “surprise” engagement?

Now they’re trying to claim that the video of their proposal — you know, the one that’s been seen everywhere — was actually “leaked” and they are trying to sue Chad Hurley, the co-founder of YouTube for it!

In the lawsuit K&K’s lawyer, Eric George, trashes  Hurley, claiming he schemed and plotted to post the video on his new Internet venture, MixBit. The K’s also claim Hurley wasn’t even invited to AT&T Park, where the faux engagement took place, hut manipulated his way in.

But they let him stay after he signed a confidentiality agreement and took a picture of him holding the signed agreement, which is attached to the lawsuit. They say, “Hurley proceeded to try to turn the event into one starring himself [and no one takes the focus off Kanye] broadcasting the images he knew were the exclusive property rights of someone else.”

K&K are suing for unspecified damages because they say the video was meant only to be shown on a very special episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes on E!

Isn’t it funny. They’re suing a guy for making a few bucks off a video they were gonna sell for a few bucks, proving that no matter what happens in the K&K life, it’s always only and ever about the money.

Ah love. I cannot wait for the divorce.

We haven’t heard a lot from Charlie Sheen lately and that’s always good. But we do know that his ex-wife, Denise Richards, had taken Sheen’s four year-old twin boys — the result of his disastrous marriage to his latest ex-wife, and serial drug abuser and rehab addict, Brooke Mueller — into her home.

Brooke was deemed unfit by DCFS to care for her sons, Max and Bob right after her 21st — and that is not snark or gossip, that’s fact — stab at rehab, but she recently regained unsupervised overnight visitation with her boys. Charlie argues, very convincingly, that Brooke is a horrid mother, and that the boys should not have visits with her. He calls Brooke's house a "horror show” and says that she should be in jail for the way she endangers their children. He claims her house is “filled with creeps and cretins that have no business being around children,” including other druggies and drug dealer types — unlike the porn stars that litter Sheen’s manse — and says Brooke is using again. Sheen claims the boys are being emotionally damaged by staying with Brooke and says that his son Bob returned from Brooke’s home with a burned face.

But then, in the same interview, Charlie sheens it all up by talking about DCFS and their decision to let Brooke have unsupervised visits with the boys, saying “there’s obviously some bribery taking place, there’s obviously something going on that’s leading those reports to be glowing… [the boys] are being sent back to the house of horrors.”

Oops. Because DCFS just heard the interview and now Charlie is being denied access to his children. A DCFS called Denise Richards and told her that the boys were not allowed to visit their father that day.

I’ve said it before, and will say it again, Denise Richards should be allowed to adopt those two boys — who’ve spent more time with her than either of their drug-addled parents — and Charlie and Brooke should be surgically prevented from ever having children again.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is still very pregnant and is now out of a job.

It seems that Love — gag — and her baby daddy, Brian Hallisay, who met while working on The Client List sealed their own fate by making demands on the producers.

Jennifer was the star, but after impregnating her, Hallisay ALLEGEDLY pushed his way from recurring character to series regular. And while the show earned fairly good ratings, the powers that be at lifetime killed it because Jennifer wanted Brian’s role to be expanded so he could play her baby daddy on the show just like real life. Love—gag—and executive producer on the show, thought she could just give her baby daddy a bigger role, and a bigger paycheck, but Lifetime kicked them both to the curb.

Maybe she can talk to Tori and write a book about having money troubles. Seriously, can we get a telethon for spoiled actresses who are out of work?

PS Not to cats aspersions, but I'm getting a Way Gay Vibe from Baby Daddy Brian.

Let’s end with Paltrow.

She will not rest until she ruins Vanity Fair. I imagine sitting in her castle, ordering her Flying Monkeys to fly over VF offices and take large dumps on the building.

Now, it seems, she is trying to get all her A-list friends — and I don’t know what’s funnier, that she thinks she A-list or thinks she has friends — to skip Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar party next year.

So far, only George Clooney has taken her call though I imagine he did it to be nice, but Julia Roberts is not helping; in fact, Roberts is set to be on the cover of VF sometime next year much to the chagrin of Goop.

A source — and it might be her son, Abel Martin … or is it Cain Martin — says, “Gwyneth feels her relationship with the magazine has been destroyed and she’s urging pals not just to avoid doing business with the magazine, but to skip the mag’s Oscar party as well. To be frank, she wants to shut their Oscar party down entirely."

First, she asks people not to talk to VF, and then she asks them to avoid VF, and now she wants them to skip the biggest Oscar night party?.”

Oh Gwynnie, thy head is enormous. I mean, why would George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts or even media-hound Oprah care enough about Goop to NOT go to the VF Oscar party?

Answer: They don’t.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

It’s been a quiet early summer, what with Lindsay Lohan being on vacation in rehab locked up, and yet the girl still manages to stay in the headlines.

She is ALLEGEDLY doing very well during her time at Betty Ford—I’ll be withholding judgment until she gets out and plans her next heist/arrest/car accident—and some folks are saying she's already trying to score--see what I did there?--her next film role. And, get this, she thinks Fifty Shades Of Grey is just the movie for her, because, you know, it was a huge-assed literary[?] success and the film is said to be big-budget and that just screams Lindsay Lo....

WTF? A source—and you know it's Dina after she set down the boxed wine … more on that in a second—says, “Lindsay needs a big high profile role. She needs to be part of a movie everyone wants to see and thinks ‘Fifty’ is a role she would be perfect for. She has read the book several times and knows this is a character that she can play. She wants to be part of something iconic, something that will live forever like Harry Potter or The Hunger Games. Now, she thinks she has found it.”

Fifty Shades? Like Harry Potter or The Hunger Games? Maybe Lohan needs to stay in rehab longer because she's clearly still delusional.

During my show biz career, I learned a few very valuable lessons:

• If you want to attend the Met Ball, don’t annoy Anna Wintour, and don’t date a Kardashian.
• Tom Cruise is crazy; likewise, Will Smith.
• Gwyneth Paltrow has an enormous head.
• Don’t piss off Naomi Campbell is she has a cell phone in her hands.

There are other rules, of course, but these three are hard and fast rules, and we’ll be talking about #4 today.

Her name may not be a household one yet, but be on the lookout for Luo Zilin because one of these days you’re apt to see a photo of her with an iPhone stuck to her head. Zilin, a former Miss China, is also a model and was a contestant on the 'America’s Next Top Model' rip-off, 'The Face', where she was mentored by, wait for it, Naomi ‘Hurl-a-phone’ Campbell. 

And, apparently Naomi and Luo got along just fine until recently when, mere seconds after Naomi dumped her zillionaire Russian boyfriend, Vladimir Doronin, Luo Zilin took up with him.

Yes; Luo is dating Naomi’s sloppy seconds. And they are going everywhere together and having their picture taken everywhere while they cuddle and coo and kiss, and while Naomi heads down to Radio Shack to shore up her arsenal.

Remember the name: Luo Zilin. She’ll be the one wearing the phone in her skull. Or ….

Maybe Naomi, rather than using a communication device, will use her reputation to get even. See, just after those coochie-coo pictures of Luo and Vlad appeared, Luo Zilin was fired from her management firm, whose president released this statement: “Zilin’s contract with MIX Model Management NYC was terminated last week due to ongoing unprofessional conduct and unacceptable work ethic.” 

i.e. Pissing off Naomi Campbell.

Now, more Lohan.

She just celebrated her month-iversay in rehab and, while some say all is going well, Lindsay does have a request: she'd like to be released in time to celebrate her 57th 27th birthday.

According to an insider--and it might be Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen's meth-addicted-ex-wife in her room down the hall at Betty Ford--says Lindsay wants the clinic to send a letter to the court indicating that she doesn't need to full court-ordered ninety days in treatment, and that she's all better and wants to get out and party for birthday on July 2,

thirty days shy of her COURT ORDERED rehab stint.

Sadly, or maybe not, her doctors won't be writing a letter to get her out sooner, in fact, most of them think she needs a longer stay. Maybe she'll get out for her 58th 28th birthday.

All kinds of stories these days about Kanye West and his cold feet at the idea of being forever tethered to the Kardashian family because he knocked up married-to-someone-else-at-the-time Kim. Kanye, while Kash Kow has been waddling around the US, has been living and working, and ALLEGEDLY playing house with designer Riccardo Tisci in Europe.

But then came Kash Kow’s Baby Shower for the Demon Spawn—to be filmed for her ‘reality’ show—and she begged and pleaded with Kanye to come so she could prove their still a couple and happy and shiz.

Except Kanye, always the Princess, showed up at the last minute as most of the guests were leaving, and hid his face form those mere mortals. According to the guests, actually the camera crew, Kanye looked miserable the whole time, and tried to dodge the E! cameras.

Good luck with that one, Kanye, because when, not if, you dump Kim and marry someone else—perhaps in France where same-sex marriage is now legal—you will always, always, ALWAYS, have both a Kardashian and a camera crew on your tail.

So, while we keep reading about Lindsay’s antics, let’s take a closer look at where she gets them: Dina Lohan. It seems that with one Lohan in rehab and unable to make a mess of herself in public, Dina has done what every good mother does, and stepped in to keep the crazy alive.

Recently, Dina and her ex-husband, Michael, received $50,000 each to go on some TV talk show called “The Test” and argue and yell and blame one another for Lindsay Lohan. But then Dina, always the bigger famewhore, decided she didn’t need the whole 50K and decided to give some back. Except she stiffed the charity.

Dina attended a Ferrari charity event at Andrra Waterside Restaurant in East Hampton, and Edmond Chakmakian, the lawyer for the restaurant says Dina and her brother showed up and went to town, drinking up a storm and buying drinks for everyone else. Lohan ran up a $2500 bar tab, and then also pledged $1500 to the charity—The Clamshell Foundation, which funds local charities that help underprivileged kids--and then left without coughing up a dime.

Chakmakian sent her multiple emails demanding payment, but got no response, probably because Dina got so hammered she doesn’t even remember being at the event. Now, Chakmakian is suing Dina on behalf of the restaurant for the $4,000 she owes.

This is, I think, the fifth time Dina has pulled this stunt, showing up at events, charging thousands in booze, and then skipping, or tripping, out on the bill. And we wonder why Lindsay is such a mess.

And speaking of Kardashians, little … I kid … Khloe Kardashian has taken to spilling the beans on the marriage of her two mommies, Kris and Bruce Jenner. Now, we all know that Khloe is the boring Kardashian, most known for being crowded out of camera range on their ‘reality’ show, or being fired from every other job she’s ever had—The X Factor, anyone?—so she has to do something to stay relevant, or interesting, I guess.

And that something is going on Jay Leno and discussing her mom’s questionable marriage to RuPaul’s Drag Race runner-up, Bruce Jenner. In fact, while Khloe discussed the need for every husband to have his own space, his own Man Cave, she revealed that Bruce actually has his own Man House.

Man House? Whatev.

“Well, they’re [Bruce and Kris] not having problems but they still like to live apart, which is definitely different. In my house, there is a man room for Lamar. A room, not a different house. I think they took my idea and ran with it and they got another house. Bruce stays there sometimes.”

Methinks Bruce might be staying there more and more, now, especially since Khloe went on to clarify her remarks, only to make it abundantly clear that Kris and Bruce are just a couple for TV.

“[Bruce’s house] is in the same state, a different city. I’m not for that, but you know, to each their own. I don’t compare relationships. I just think a little too much time apart maybe isn’t the best thing. They’re like, ‘Don’t judge us. We’ve been married [22] years. I’m like, ‘I know people that have been married longer that still live together.’”

Me also thinks Khloe may want to shut her cake-hole since Kris seems to hold the strings to the ‘reality’ show, or she might just find herself fired from another gig. Her family.

So, serial dater, and beggar of men to be her boyfriend, Jennifer Love Hewitt is all knocked up and stuff. And, apparently, the baby daddy is Brian Hallisay, one of the co-stars on her Lifetime TV show where she plays, well, probably, some kind of hooker or psychic, or psychic hooker.

The story broke this week that JLH is with child and then there was silence. I think the silence was when Hewitt went to her bank and transferred massive sums of money to another account only moments before she announced that Hallisay had proposed.

Now, I’m not saying she gave him a bankroll so he’d marry her after he knocked her up …. Who am I kidding? That’s exactly what I’m saying.

The couple has been dating for over a year and don't become engaged until about an hour after news breaks that JLH has been knocked up.

It’s got payday written all over it.