The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, JD Crowe, Michael de Adder, Mike Smith, Kevin Siers, Jack Ohman, Nick Anderson, Steve Sack, Marian Kamensky, Dave Whamond, Drew Sheneman, Joe Heller, Bill Bramhall, Dario Castillejos 

Tidbits

Carlos is mowing the front yard and I'm working inside for a few minutes.....blogging....but, hey, what he don't know....yada yada yada.

Joy, over at BabbleOn, left me a comment on one of my posts that she needed a Carlos story because the news this week, with the hate crimes and the murders and the banning books, and that god awful Katie Holmes on So You Think You Can Dance, was horrible.

Well, I happen to have a Carlos story, but I haven't been given authorization to share it. Yet. So, I'll give you three words of a Carlos story and you can use your imaginations as to what the true story sounds like.

Here are your three words:

Carlos.

Chicken.

Car accident.

Have fun.

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I'm not really a Tori Spelling fan, but I caught her as a guest host on The Today Show this week--no, Kathie Lee Gifford was still there! And, i must say, Tori was kinda funny and self-deprecating.

She mentioned that, in her rush to get to the NBC studios, she'd left her hotel room without a wearing a bra. Kathie Lee Gifford....ugh, I loathe her.....pointed to Tori's chestal region and asked how she could get away without a bra and not have those things flop around.

Tori Spelling smiled sweetly, and said, Honey, for what I paid for 'em, they better stand up straight.

I.Loved.It.

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I am tired of the Repugnants bashing Obama's every plan, from health care to stimulus to, well, everything the president mentions.

I say, and listen up you group of pandering asshats, if you don't like the president's plan for any of the issues facing this country, don't stand around and stomp your feet like children, come up with a better plan.

Oh, but that would mean you'd actually have to work, and we know you're all too busy cheating on your wives and denying marriage rights to the gay community to actually work.

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Smallville is small, hence the nickname.

But, and this is weird, I've seen some odd things.

Years ago, when i was a wee gay lad, we'd go to visit my grandmother. And in her bathroom, on the back of the toilet, was a spare role of toilet paper. only, it would seem unsightly to just leave it lying around, so my grandmother had a crocheted cover, a toilet paper cozy, if you will, that she placed over the spare roll. It looked like a little hat.

A woman in Smallville has one of those. She, um, wears it on her head. Every time I see her, I think, Toilet paper cozy hat!

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Speaking of toilet paper. Nice segue.

We just began having The State newspaper delivered every morning. But, in the thirteen days we've been on the delivery route, we have not received a paper five times! That puts me off. So today when no paper arrived, we called the newspaper and complained and then cancelled delivery. I'll go back to the online version.

But, what has The State newspaper got to do with toilet paper, you say? Well, although it is the paper for the Midlands of South Carolina, it is the smallest paper I've ever seen...the thinnest paper I've ever seen.

I've wiped my ass with more substantial paper.

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Yesterday afternoon I was home and the phone rang. the voice on the other end asked for Carlos. I said he wasn't in and I would take a message. The voice then said, I am calling from the Fraternal Order of Police, and, hehe, no, you aren't in trouble.

I said, I know that.

Voice said, I just need sixty seconds of your time. Would you agree that the police provide a much needed service to our community, making us feel safer in our homes and on our streets?

I said, Uh huh.

Voice said, That was a question. Don't you agree--

I said, I answered the question., Did you call to talk about the Fraternal Order of Police or give me a lesson in phone etiquette?

Voice said, Well, I--

I said, Your sixty seconds are up.

Click.