Monday, February 28, 2011

Consuelo Roca Jones: #2 of 1500

Miss Jones is adapting quite nicely. We are keeping her in the Jck-and-Jill bathroom, with her carrier, litter box, food, and a toy that the woman who rescued her gave us.

We let her into the office when one of us is in their and now she just strolls right out and lays on the floor like she owns the joint. 

She met Ozzo face-to-face; they sniffed, she turned tail and went back inside her carrier, but there was no hissing.

Max hissed, and ran; Miss Jones looked at him like he'd hurt her feelings.

I carried Tuxedo into the room, and he hissed, and spit, and growled like a panther at her. Since some asshat veterinarian declawed Tuxedo, he is leery of new cats because he knows he can't protect himself very well. I think he'll be the last one to come around.

Tallulah, on the other hand, is not at all interested because, well, she's crazy, and I think she thinks Consuelo has been here all along.

But all is good, and we are all getting to know one another.

Oscar Observations....or.....Oscarvations

Well, let's see. I was worried about the hosts this year. Not so much Anne Hathaway, as I think she can do anything and look stunning while doing so, but James Franco. I mean, he's made great play of having that sort of stoner affect, even though he says he isn't a stoner, but I would have liked to see him more animated. He didn't seem to have any fun during the show, while Anne was singing, dancing, laughing, giggling, and looking gorgeous.

And why oh why did they take a stab at a Billy-Crystal-Insert-Yourself-Into-Movies montage when no one does it better than Billy? it was cute, but it paled in comparison to Crystal's.

Kirk Douglas trotted out to give Best Supporting Actress and, sorry to say it, he was sad to watch. His speech problems caused by his stroke made it painful to see, and though people giggled at his putting off of naming the winner, I felt sorry for him.

Not sorry for Melissa Leo, who won after campaigning for herself for several weeks like she was running for Homecoming Queen. And, really, she is such a bad actress; her "acting" like she was shocked to win was proof of that. And the F-bomb was stupid. And the taking of Douglas' cane as she walked off stage seemed cruel.

Say goodnight, Melissa, I think your career has come to a halt.

Justin Timberlake. I get so tired of his acting like he's in on some private joke, when he isn't funny. I'm Banksy. You're not even a good actor. And Mila Kunis with the pasties. Honey, no.

Then we have Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem, in white tuxedo jackets, dancing together and we cut to Penelope Cruz? WTF was that?

When Aaron Sorkin won the award for Best Adapted Screenplay, for The Social Network, he gave a speech that seemed more like the speech one would give if they'd won Best Director. It was a good speech, but I kept thinking, You're not the director, so stop thanking the cast for being so good. Thank THE DIRECTOR, or the producers, for hiring you to write the thing in the first place.

Anne Hathaway breaks out in song to dog Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman. It was funny, and she can sing; now that's an Oscar host. 

And Huge Ackman is so hot, well, I think he's personally responsible for global warming....or, at least, my, ahem, global warming. But when Franco came out in drag I thought we'd slipped back in time to the old Milton Berle show from the fifties. Seriously, he looked like a Berle knock-off.

Knock it off!

Russel Brand is creepy looking, and looked even creepier when standing next to the gorgeous Helen Mirren.

Reese Witherspoon, seriously becoming the Oscar Barbie, presented the Best Supporting Actor award to Christian Bale, who gave a lovely speech. His joke about having been known to drop and F-bomb was funny, and his getting all verkelmpt when talking about his wife and daughter was sweet. 

If I have one complaint, it's that he lose the beard--not the Travolta kind of beard, but the actual beard. He's so much hotter with a smooth face.

And then we waste precious time during a show that's too long before it even starts to have some bigwig Oscar dude and some bigwig ABC chick, come out and tell us that the Oscars will stay on ABC for another nine years. Um, people, that's what a press release is for; don't take up valuable airtime.

Matthew McConaughey used to be so hot; so athletic and tanned and blue-eyed and hot. Now he just looks skeevey.

The winner for Best Costume Design, Colleen Atwood, for Alice In Wonderland, took out a list and began to read from it. She actually wrote down the words "I'd like to thank the academy...." in case she forgot? And then tried to give a history lesson on Alice? That is why these sort of techie awards, like for sound and costume and editing and those things, should not be telecast. I want stars and glamor, I don't want some nervous nellie reading from a list.

Hellooooooo Academy? Are you listening?

Kevin Spacey is not gay. He said so. And then he intro'd the Best Song category. Really? Best song? I think not. Where was Cher? Where was Christina? Instead we get Randy Freakin' Newman and Allen Freakin' Mencken and Florence Freakin' Welch and Gwyneth Freakin' Paltrow?

Luckily Jake Gyllenhaal came out next so I quickly forgot Best Song singing.

Anne and James come back onstage to introduce Oprah, like she's the effin' ueen, and then O saunters out like she is the effin' queen. And what was with that dress? Could her boobs have looked any  bigger? I mean, I know she's all happy big girl now, but why place all the emphasis on those ginormous breasts? 

Another mistake? Having Billy Crystal come out.

No offense to Anne, and I'm sure Franco was too high to notice, but the act of merely walking out showed that Billy should have been host. I mean, when you get a standing ovation, which read more like Billy! Please take over!, it's not a good thing.

Note to the academy: more Billy, all Billy.

Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law were quite funny and real, and, well, maybe next year, if Billy isn't available, have those two host, because they're good together. Plus, RDJr is so hot. 
And Jude ain't bad either.

Jennifer Hudson is so gorgeous, and 
came out to present the Oscar for Best Song. Um, yeah, since JHud was already there, why didn't you have her sing the songs? That would have been so much better. But I digress; the award went to Randy Newman who gave one of the most WTF speeches of the night. Chicken sandwiches and twenty nominations?

And why was Celine Dion there? Is she an actress? Was she singing Best Song? Seriously, the less I see or hear from her the better I feel. And why sing "Smile" during the In Memoriam? One of the lines is, "You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile": but she's singing about people who have died.


And though I love Lena Horne and I love Halle Berry, I didn't quite get why Lena was singled out for a special tribute.

I was thrilled that Tom Hooper won Best director for The King's Speech. It doesn't hurt that he's kind of adorkable and British.

Then Annette Bening comes out. I don't like her. She is, supposedly, such a great actress but she always seems so stiff when she's on these shows. Maybe someone should tell her it's an audition and she'll actually seem lifelike.

Jeff Bridges is so handsome, but he and Christian Bale need to see the barber together....or come to Smallville and I'll, um, shave them. He offers us a glimpse into the Best Actress category, and, well, I'm hoping Annette Bening doesn't win because I've heard she might slip in there.

She doesn't.

It's Natalie Portman for The Black Swan, and she looks radiant and sweet, and gives a lovely speech about acting and family and babies.

Then it's time for Sandra Bullock, looking so See-what-you're-missing-Jesse-James in red. And, of course, she's funny when talking about the nominees for Best Actor, and they all laugh, except Jesse Eisenberg who looks like he'd rather be anywhere else. 

Which is fine because Colin Firth won for The King's Speech. And he may also have won for A Single Man, from his nomination from last year because he was equally brilliant in both. I love the Brits and their self-deprecating humour--since he's a Brit I'll spell humor like that--"I guess my career has peaked."

And finally we end with Best Picture and it went to The Social Network as expected beca--what? It didn't? The King's Speech.

Well, that was a welcome surprise, as was cutie-patootie Iain Canning thanking his boyfriend.

Then  we finished, just ten minutes over, with the kids from PS 22 on Staten Island singing "Over The Rainbow"and joined at the end by all the winners. it was a sweet way to end the show, and i loved Anne Hathaway high-fiving the kids and telling them "Good job."

And that's the difference between Hathaway and Franco. He seemed more interested in an after-party bong hit than he was in the show. He was lifeless, she was full of life. He was dry, she was funny, though, I will admit his joke about getting a text from Charlie Sheen when he came out in drag was high-larious. Still, I'd rather see Anne host, with, say, RDJr and Jude law.

Or, for the love of god, Academy.


Let's Dish Dresses

You know, the Oscar fashion watch used to be more fun when the stars didn't have stylists.
Cher in a headdress.
Bjork as a bird.
Sharon Stone in a Gap t-shirt.
Kim Basinger in a one-armed graffiti dress.
Nowadays, they're all so safe, and the only mistakes they make is when they have a bad stylist, and they trust that person. So, let's dish dresses, starting with my favorites:


Jennifer Hudson looks fabulous.
She was my favorite on the carpet last night.
I mean, c'mon, girl wore tanger-effin'-rine and rocked it.

Helen Mirren shows all them young upstarts what hot looks like.
Never less than glamorous, never less than fabulous.
On screen and off.

Helen Bonham Carter, or, as I call her, HBC.
She isn't a slave to fashion; in fact, she wore a dress
designed by a costume designer because,
well, it's the Oscars, and it's movies, not fashion.
She does what she wants and does it better than anyone.

Michelle Williams.
She is so New Hollywood that she looks Old Hollywood.
A little Audrey Hepburn, a little Mia Farrow, a whole lot of simply gorgeous.

Natalie Portman, looking beautiful, fresh, glowing,
and about nine-and-a-half months pregnant.
Regal, like an Oscar winner.

Reese Witherspoon.
A cross between Oscar Barbie, and Sharon Tate Valley Of The Dolls.
Simple and chic, and beautiful.

Sandra Bullock.
This dress says, "Jesse James? Big mistake! Huuuge."

Cate Blanchett.
A lot of people weren't feeling the love for this dress,
but, well, it kinda grew on me. It looks like a piece of art, and Cate is priceless.
Celine Dion. In the spirit of fairness,
I don't like her, so, well, it's hard to be objective.
But this shiny dress is too plain, and the fabric reminds me of......

Gwyneth Paltrow's dress.
And, again in the spirit of fairness, I don't like her either.
But Gwynnie and Celie wore dresses that seemed to much alike,
though the colors were different and the fabric on Celine's was horizontal,
not vertical. But both were blah.

Halle Berry. After her Golden Globes misstep,
she went for princess gown, and it might have made it higher
on my very prestigious list if it weren't for the fact that it looked like......

...Hilary Swank's dress.
Sure, the color was different, and one had tulle and one had feathers.
But they were both princess dresses for former Oscar winners,
and I think they should have tried harder.

Jennifer Lawrence. When she hit the red carpet, Julina Rancic,
the Bobble Head from E, instantly named her Best Dressed. And Kelly Osbourne,
afraid of being beaten by Rancic's bony arms agreed. Seriously?
A red tank dress and no jewelry is best Dressed.
Rule of thumb, if you can pair the dress with flip-f;lops
and do the marketing in it, it isn't Oscar worthy.

I loves me some Nicky Kidman. and I love that her best accessory is Keith Urban.
And I so want her to rock the carpet, but this is a slight miss.
Pretty dress, but it seems like the bottom half is on backwards.
And I didn't like the white and the sequins
because it looked a little too wedding cake.

Scarlett Johansson looks like she's up for the part of Miss Kitty
in a reboot of Gunsmoke.
It's not bad, it's just blah; and the hair is blah.
Blah blah blah.

Florence Welch. Talk about drab, lifeless, blah.
This looks so much like the dress she wore to the Grammys,
that I thought it was the same dress.
How can a girl with such vibrant hair choose to wear skin tone Grandma drapes?

Melissa Leo.
She kept talking about how the dress was "built" for her.
Note to Melissa: Cars are built, dresses are made.
And while it's an interesting fabric and pattern, it doesn't say Oscar winner,
 like all those ads she took out before the show begging to win.
Melissa Leo is this years Sally Kirkland--Google her:
she thinks winning this will make her a star,
when all it will make her is a guest star on a sitcom in about five years.

Mila Kunis. Pretty color, pretty dress, but when i first saw it,
I thought, Oops, wardrobe malfunction!
Those little pasties over her nipplage made it seem as though you were seeing something you didn't want to see.
And it's too frilly and frou-frou to have that kind of slutty decolletage.

Penelope Cruiz seems to have raided Cher's closet
from the CBS variety show days, because, I swear I saw Cher wear
this on TV in the late 70s. If Penelope wanted to sing River Deep, Mountain High
 with Tina Turner, this is the dress. Not for the Oscars.
I do give her props for the man candy, Javier Bardem.

i put Anne in a class by herself because she is in a class by herself. Plus, she was the only one who got a chance to change dresses every couple of minutes. So, she is my Best Dressed, or best dresses--with a little Tux thrown in--of the night:
Rockin' the red carpet in Valentino Archive.

Glamorous in white.

Rumors are that anne will play Judy Garland on Broadway,
and this is all Judy.

Like a fine wine, she's fab.

Twist it, shake it.

Regal in Royal Blue.
And her last dress, at the end of the show.
This is another dress that reminds me of Garland.

Sunday, February 27, 2011


Senora Consuelo Roca-Jones.

We saw her a few weeks back and Carlos fell in love with her, so, this afternoon, the adoption papers were signed and she moved in with us.
She is adapting nicely, so far, but hasn't yet met the other kids.
Maybe tomorrow.


Saturday, February 26, 2011

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Those wacky famewhores!
It seems that Jon Gosselin has finally awakened from his I'm A Reality Show Star coma to realize that he isn't a reality show star without his media-whorin' wife, Kate. and, now, he's doing everything he can--including getting a :::gasp::: job--to win back her cold, stone-like, minuscule heart.
A friend of the couple--and by friend, I mean, one of the many people hired to watch their brood because Jon and Kate have other things to do besides parent--says, "They both realize how much they miss each other. Neither one of them have been really happy since their ugly split and would love to turn back time to the point where they were both in love before fame took over."
They don't miss each other as much as they miss the Lifetime paychecks.
Neither of them has been happy since they split because they miss the Lifetime paychecks.
Jon recently put away his frat-boy Ed Hardy shirts and landed a job with Green Pointe Energy, where he installs solar panels.
A friend of Jon's--and by friend, I mean, some beer bongin' middle-aged wannabe--says, "Jon is in a great place. He is happy and knows what a fool he made of himself after his split from Kate."
Jon began his Mea Culpa Tour--to win back Kate and those Lifetime paychecks--last fall by publicly apologizing to his fame-whore ex, via Twitter: "I am acutely aware of the mistakes I made in 2009 and I am ashamed of the choices I made. I have apologized to Kate, my family, and to my friends. Through counseling I have learned to own my actions. My goal is to move forward in a positive direction."
Toward a Lifetime paycheck.
And Kate, who had hoped to turn her fifteen minutes of fame into something more, and then failed miserably by dancing like a gorilla in jackboots on national television, has realized that she needs Jon again, because the paychecks are better when they are two of them.
Just sayin'.

Glenn Close has chosen her next film role. She has always been running after Meryl Streep, hoping to be Meryl Streep, and knowing that won't happen.
But she decided to take a page from Meryl's playbook and tackle the role of a real-life women. i mean Meryl played Julia Child and scored an Oscar nomination. Meryl is now playing Margaret Thatcher and will no doubt score another nomination.
So, Glenn decided that she, too, should play a great female icon of the ages.
Susan Boyle.
Yes, Glenn will take on the role of the singing spinster in a new film!
A source--and by source I mean the men who carry Glenn's ego from room to room--say,  "The film is full steam ahead now the leading role is sorted. It was always going to be a tricky one to cast. SuBo's incredible story is so well-known across the planet that the film is bound to go down a storm."
Oh, me thinks it'll go down, all right.
Like a lead balloon.

Christina!!! Bring me the axe!
It looks like a group of flight attendants went all Joan Crawford on Faye Dunaway';s ass on a recent flight from New York to London.
Dunaway has the reputation of purchasing coach tickets on flights and then showing up at the airport, demanding to be upgraded at no charge to First Class because she's the Great Faye Dunaway!
Well, they weren't having it.
It seems that the Dunaway Hating Flight Attendants tortured poor Faye back in the daye, er, day.
Before Dunaway boarded one early-'90s flight, the flight attendants claim that airline management contacted ground staff and told them that under no circumstances should they upgrade Dunaway.
Well, sure enough, Dunaway turned up at JFK with a coach ticket to London and demanded an upgrade. She began the usual screaming, 'Don't you know who I am?' but the ticket agents, and the flight attendants refused her demands, but did give a seat in the first row of Coach. So she could see there were seats free in business and first class.
This, of course, infuriated the has-been diva.
When the meal service began, Faye pouted, and refused to eat. She snapped, 'I am not eating."
As if they care!
So, the flight crew took their taunts one step further.
When Dunaway fell asleep from hunger, the attendants grabbed a stack of wire hangers and put them on the seat next to the wacktress.
When she woke up as the plane landed, Faye was as enraged as Joan Crawford was the night Bette Davis turned down her sexual advances. She scoured the plane looking for the wire-hanger culprit, and finally gave up, and took her revenge by getting into the aisle and
Faye is Craye-Craye.

New mommy and homo, er, daddy, Kelly Preston and John Travolta took their latest bundle of jot yo Hawaii for a family getaway.
Oh, it sounds so lovely.
Except Johnny forgot to pack his hair.
I mean, it common knowledge that Travolta is a member of the Hair Club for Men, even if he doesn't admit it. His hairline goes up, then comes down, then goes this way and then that way, as though it had a mind of it's own, or his piece glue wasn't holding. he changes his hair color, cut and style more often than Gag changes her meat dress.
But, since he had no hair, he opted to hit the beach anyway, with nothing on his head, but a splotchy comb over.
I mean, he remembered his beard, but he forgot his hair?
Bad queen.

Rihanna is a tart.
She's, oh, how to I say this delicately, hot to trot with no place to race.
But that hasn't stopped her from sexting my Husband in My head, Colin Farrell with raunchy messages.
It seems that the singer and actor met on the British TV show around Christmas last year and exchanged phone numbers. Soon, the sexting began.
A source--and by source I mean Rihanna's hairdresser who scours the world looking for the most unnatural shade of red to put in her hair--says, "Colin was taken aback by some of the texts. He reckons he might well be in there. They're both single, so why not?"
It seems their little flirtation began when Farrell complimented Rihanna on her legs. Which she took as an oportunity to graphically discuss a recent wax treatment, you know, down there.
But hey, they're both single, now, and they're both of age, and they're both sluts.
I wish the kids well, but Colin, when she dumps you, and she will, call me.

The Queen--and I mean The Queen, not RuPaul--has sent out some 1,800 invitations for the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Wow, so many invites, and not one sent to The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.
And she is ALLEGEDLY distraught over the snub, especially since her own daughters have been invited!
A friend of Sarah's--and by friend, I mean the police officer assigned to keep her from selling visits to her ex-husband--says, "Sarah is devastated that she hasn't been invited. Hasn't she been punished enough by the family? Sarah is down on her luck and this is the same as kicking a person while they are down."
Sarah's 10-year marriage to Prince Andrew ended fifteen years ago, but she recently made headlines after she was caught trying to sell press access to her ex-husband to an undercover reporter from The News of the World. Since then her already strained relationship with the palace has been almost non-existent.
An insider--and by insider, I mean the lady-in-waiting in charge of the Queen's handbags--says, "Sarah was hoping that the wedding would provide her with the opportunity to spend quality time with the family and prove she can and does deserve to be part of the family. Any hope she ever had of being invited back into the fold is over. Sarah might be the last person on earth to finally get it but even she knows now she's not welcome."
I guess she can take a peek inside the church when she drops off her daughters and then heads home to watch it all on the telly like the common folk.

Well, Charlie Sheen's done it again.
he was all over the radio, criticizing CBS and the bosses at his show, A Man, A Half A Man, and A Raging Drug Addict, and those in charge have had enough.
They held meetings to discuss the possibility of having the show continue without the drugged out loser, and, when Charlie began his boss bashing again, they decided to shut the mother down for the rest of the season and probably for good.
Every time Charlie ends up in the hospital--or in home rehab--the network takes a hit because production of the show is impacted. His show once generated more than $3 million per episode, but that's money CBS won't see if the show is finished.
Production on A Man, A Half A Man, and A Raging Drug Addict was set to resume on Monday, with four episodes to be filmed for this season. But in a statement issued late Thursday, CBS said that it was halting production on those episodes.
And they're pissed: "Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of A Man, A Half A Man, and A Raging Drug Addict for the remainder of the season."
Of course, Charlie, seeing all his coke-and-whore money being taken away, has opened his drug addled yap again, calling the show's creator, Chuck Lorre, a "contaminated little maggot" and a "worm."
And then he went on: "I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon."
He even shouted that fans of the show were "my people ... not yours."
And it didn't end there.
In another rant on the Alex Jones radio show, Sheen called the Lorre, a "clown" and referred to him as "Chaim Levine" (Lorre's original name is Charles Levine). Charlie Sheen also claims to have cured his addictions "with my mind" and without the help of A.A., which he dubbed a "bootleg cult."
Sheen later told TMZ that he "violently hates" Lorre and also wants to fight him in an Octagon ring.
Crazy has taken on a whole new dimension.
Sheen also stated, "I've got poetry in my fingertips."
WTF does that even mean?
Well, it seems to mean that CBS is officially planning on cancelling A Man, A Half A Man, and A Raging Drug Addict.
Which, according to Charlie, would be just fine, because he says HBO wants him for a show on the cable network, and will pay him $5 million an episode.
That's a lot of whores and cocaine!
He said his new HBO show would be called 'Sheen's Corner', and added, "I'm close to securing a deal with HBO for a 10 show guarantee. It will be epic, all types of guests and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!"
HBO, at first had no comment, but now say they will not be working with Charlie Sheen.

Wow, enough Charlie, because that is some scary shiz.
Howsabout a little Lindsay? M'kay?
Judge Keith Schwartz left little doubt in court this week: Lohan is "going to jail" if she averts a trial and accepts a plea deal.
A friend pf Lindsay's--and by friend, i mean her getaway driver--says, "I'm not sure if she can survive this. She is so terrified and frightened that we all fear her addictions will kick in again to help her numb the fear."
The deputy DA tried to cut a deal with Lindsay's lawyer, offering her eight months in jail and probation, but the offer was rejected because Lindsay won't accept hard time.
On March 10, the wacktress will again be in court and will have to decide if she's taking a deal and pleading guilty, or moving closer to an actual trial.
Now, Lindsay is said to be rethinking prison time.
And all because the wacktress starred in a movie unbeknownst to her.
it's called "Surveillance Video." And it shows that a male friend Lohan's ALLEGEDLY "distracted the clerk" while Lohan put on the necklace in question. The saleswoman says she was unaware that Lohan had not taken off the necklace, which was later reported stolen, before leaving the store.
Uh oh, Lindsay. I know you were hoping to get back into the movies, but I don't think you wanted to star in your own short film.
Er, Uh Oh.
While Rosie O'Donnell has just split from her girlfriend of over a year, the former Queen Of Nice has another relationship problem to deal with.
The Big O.
it's the Queen Of Nice versus The Queen of Cakes.
An insider at O's network, OWN--and by insider we all know I mean Gayle--says, "Oprah and Rosie have not been seeing eye to eye on the tone of Rosie's new show. Oprah sees it as a friendly daytime talk show where viewers get to spend an hour with the old Rosie they used to love. Rosie, on the other hand, thinks the show should be more political and a place where she can express her liberal views."
Now O has admitted that she took Rosie aside and told her that she "better behave" on OWN. In fact, O took her warnings to Ro's house:  "Rosie said, 'I know you're here to assess how crazy I am.' I said, 'Basically, yes. I'm doing a crazy check.'"
The check, however, doesn't appear to have been thorough enough, with Rosie already annoying Oprah by resisting her pick for executive producer.
Gayle--while muddle this up by calling her a source--says, "The two are disagreeing over staff. Oprah wants Rosie to use an executive producer that she knows and trusts while Rosie insists she be able to pick her own, fearing whoever Oprah picks will be a spy. It's a bad way to start off, considering they haven't even taped a single show yet."
It might get ugly when these behemoths get into a battle!