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Goldie Hawn says that fifty-seven years ago, when she was just twenty, she ALLEGEDLY had an out-of-this-world experience with an extra-terrestrial. She claims  she was in the desert, sleeping in her car when the aliens came upon her and …

“They touched my face, and it felt like the finger of God. It was the most benevolent, loving feeling. This was powerful. It was filled with light.”

Yet it took her fifty-seven years to announce it … like when her career is kind of over and maybe she needs a job?

Kim Kardastrophe has announced the launch of Skims’ Ultimate Nipple Bra in which you can pay $62 for a bra with built-in fake nipples. Kardastrophe says:

“The Earth’s temperature is getting hotter and hotter. The sea levels are rising. The ice sheets are shrinking. And I’m not a scientist, but I do believe everyone can use their skillset to do their part. That’s why I’m introducing a brand-new bra with a built-in nipple—so no matter how hot it is, you’ll always look cold.”

And she’ll always look stupid.

Justin Timberlake is “not at all happy” about what Britney Spears has written in her new memoir about their time together.

I guess being called a pig who forced an abortion on his girlfriend who didn’t want one, and then broke up with her in a two-word text and wrote a song about the breakup called ‘Cry Me A River’ hurts?

Truth always does.

For a hot minute, the broke-ass Tori Spelling had moved out of her $100-a-night motel she was sharing with her five or six kids, and out of the camper they lived in, and moved into a house she rented for $18,000 a month.

Looks like the whole ‘I’m poor’ and can’t afford a house bull shit was just that. But wait, there’s more … 

Tori moved out of her expensive rental just days after settling in because , ALLEGEDLY  man with a gun took a hostage in the house down the street.

Apparently the neighbors were getting more press than Tori and she couldn’t stand it.

Speaking of memoirs, Rebecca Romijn has yet to react to her ex-husband John Stamos’ memoir bombshells  but her husband, Jerry O’Connell, is telling anyone and everyone that Romjin didn’t “get any warning” about being in the book.

Seriously? Your ex-husband writes the story of his life and you’re shocked you’re in it?

Thirst traps.

It's Monday and I'm ...

I’m not sure who annoys me more, Taylor Swift or Jada Pinkett Smith, but I do know I wish one would stop talking and the other would stop faux-dating.

Apparently Lou Diamond Phillips just moved to Scarsdale, New York and his realtor took to Facebook to ask the citizens of Scarsdale to be his friends. Really, Lou?

Rumor has it that David Beckham has been cheating on Victoria for quite some time, but since none of it was with me I don’t really care.

After getting her pregnant and coercing her into an abortion, Justin Timberlake broke up with the pop tart in a text that said: “It’s over.” Justin’s a pig.

Is this a new thing in Hollywood? First Jada says she and Will have been separated since 2016—perfect timing for her “entanglement” with her son’s friend—and now Meryl Streep and her husband announce they have been living apart for six years.

Color me shocked, but :::gulp::: Kim Kardastrophe ain’t have bad starring in this season’s American Horror Story. Of course, she plays a vile human being so is it really “acting”?

I’m just gonna say that if you’re hosting SNL but you need Pedro Pascal, Mick Jagger and Lady Gaga to assist you, should you really be hosting? And what the f**k is a Bad Bunny?

Meanwhile, back at Kim Kardastrophe, she just celebrated her 43^rd birthday … her ass is ten years old and her face is a newborn.

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So, everybody’s climbing aboard the Save Britney bandwagon in the wake of The New York Times Presents Framing Britney stories of her father controlling her and her money. And one of the biggest worms crawling from the ooze to cough up some words on BritBrit is former love, Justin Timberlake.

Of course, JT waited about twenty years, and until he had a movie to promote, before saying a word about the not so nice things he said about Britney … he outed her for not being a virgin, for one. And also, as like every time he has something to promote, Timberlake does a mea culpa lap around ripping off Janet’s Jackson’s shirt, baring her breast, during a Superbowl Halftime show. Back then he played the coy innocent boy while Janet was dragged for it.

And so …because he has a new movie coming out … JT took to social media to read a prepared statement:

“I’ve seen messages, tags, comments, and concerns and I want to respond. I am deeply sorry for the times in my life where my actions contributed to the problem, where I spoke out of turn, or did not speak up for what was right. I understand that I fell short in these moments, and others, and benefited from a system that condones misogyny and racism.

I specifically want to apologize to Britney Spears and Janet Jackson both individually because I care for and respect these women and I know I failed.

I also compelled to respond, in part, because everyone involved deserves better and most importantly because this is a larger conversation that I wholeheartedly want to be part of and learn from …”

Wow, that is a full-on word salad that reeks of insincerity, though I was waiting for the “I have a new film opening this month, please go see it.”

Nicely done, JT, drag these women again while getting some free publicity for your latest film.

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When you’re a very rich person, and crazily enough, “comedian” Kevin Hart is, you pay people to do the most mundane things for which you have little to no time. And Kevin cannot shop, so he pays someone to do his shopping. But problems can arise when you give someone access to your coins, and now comes word that Kevin’s personal shopper, Dylan Syer, was ALLEGEDLY shoplifting about a million bucks from him, and this week Syer was in a New York City courtroom facing 9 counts, including grand larceny.

Apparently Dylan gained Kevin’s trust in 2015 and began buying expensive items for him, on his behalf. All the purchases were legitimate, and Kevin’s credit card was used to make the purchases. With access to Kevin’s credit card, Dylan ALLEGEDLY began transferring money from Kevin’s card into his personal bank account, and then began blowing through the money like a Lindsay Lohan coke binge, spending hundreds of thousands of Kevin’s hard-earned one-trick-pony dollars on expensive jewelry, watches, art, collectibles, designer handbags, and leather goods.

The grand total was roughly $1.2 million; all in the span of two years.

Yikes. The DA is trying to seize all the items Syer ALLEGEDLY bought with stolen coins, but that might prove difficult since Syer was given access to the card, so the company never called Hart to ask him about his sudden interest in  high-end designer handbags.

And it took him over two years to even notice the $1.2 million dollars charged to his card. Not quite the sharpest little tool … in the shed.

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I don’t really pay close attention to The Bachelor and Bachelorette franchises because it seems like a group of whores, male and female, vying for the one john, male or female, but I will try and explain it.

The story begins with Rachael Kirkconnell, a contestant on The Bachelor, who, back in 2018, attended an “Old South” themed party on an old plantation which caused peopleto think she was racist.  Now, going to an antebellum party doesn’t make someone racist but then people began digging into her social media and found a slew of Confederate flags, QAnon conspiracies and some racist crap.

Then spurred another former Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay—the first Black Bachelorette—to ask the show’s host Chris Harrison about the controversy and he really stepped in it and has since “stepped away” from the show. See, Harrison basically dismissed Rachael Kirkconnell’s highly-racist past as nothing and then called out the “woke police” because people calling out racism are wrong:

“Well, Rachel, is it a good look in 2018, or is it not a good look in 2021? Because there’s a big difference. Where is this lens we’re holding up and was this lens available, and were we all looking through it in 2018?”

Wow, he seemed to suggest that racism in 2018 is okay because it was soooo long ago. Perhaps rather than stepping away, Harrison should have been shoved away. And he followed that up with the I Need To Save My Job apology:

“I have spent the last few days listening to the pain my words have caused, and I am deeply remorseful. My ignorance did damage to my friends, colleagues and strangers alike. I have no one to blame but myself for what I said and the way I spoke. I set standards for myself, and have to meet them. I feel that with every fiber of my being. Now just as I taught my children to stand up, and to own their actions, I will do the same. By excusing historical racism, I defended it. I invoked the term ‘woke police,’ which is unacceptable. I am ashamed over how uninformed I was. I was so wrong. To the Black community, to the BIPOC community: I am so sorry. My words were harmful. I am listening, and I truly apologize for my ignorance and any pain it caused you. “I want to give my heartfelt thanks to the people from these communities who I’ve had enlightening conversations with over the past few days, and I am so grateful to those who have reached out to help me on my path to anti-racism.”

That’s a lot of words for something that could have gone like this:

“I said some stupid ass shit. I’m sorry for being an addle-brained tool I will now walk away until I really truly learn that racism in 2021 is as wrong as racism in 2018 … or 1963 … or 1931 … or 1856 … or 1776 … or ….”

Now go.

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Lord, One Percent problems.

Salma Hayek is married to François-Henri Pinault, a French billionaire who made his billions by being the spawn of a French billionaire; he inherited Daddy’s company, Kering, which owns luxury brands like Gucci, Yves Saint Lauren, and Balenciaga.

Salma and François-Henri have been married since 2009, and, during an appearance on Dax Shepard’s podcast, Armchair Expert, she said she doesn’t care that some people think she married him for his $43.4. billion:

“You know the thing is that in pictures you cannot begin to guess the magic in him. He’s made me become a much better person, and grow in such a good, healthy way. And, you know, when I married him, everybody said, ‘Oh, it’s arranged marriage, she married him for the money.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, whatever, bitch. Think what you want.’ 15 years together, and we are strong in love. And I don’t even get offended, I’m like, yeah, whatever.”

Salma has said she believes there’s discrimination against rich men and that not all of them are bad, materialistic, or people undeserving of their wealth.

Dear goddess, is she suggesting that rich people have harder lives than poor people? I don’ t think Salma married him because he’s rich, but he might have married her for those breasts, and not for her brains because, again, she’s an idiot who believes we should pity the rich.

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GOOP is at it again, y’all. A year, a full year, into the pandemic, and Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed she had COVID-19 very early on:“A little background:

"I had COVID-19 early on, and it left me with some long-tail fatigue and brain fog. In January, I had some tests done that showed really high levels of inflammation in my body. So I turned to one of the smartest experts I know in this space, the functional medicine practitioner Dr. Will Cole. After he saw all my labs, he explained that this was a case where the road to healing was going to be longer than usual.”

As she does with everything, Paltrow sold, er, told her story in a blog post on GOOP, and then turned that revelation into a money beg about how she came upon her latest regimen after COVID left her with some long-lasting symptoms,

Gwyneth’s personal routine involves fasting until 11:00 AM every day, eating a “keto and plant-based but flexible” diet—I guess that means not keto and plant based all the time, which would make it just regular eating—and  supplements which are for sale, where else, on GOOP. Oh, and she’s also doing “an infrared sauna … in service of healing.” 

Infrared sauna? This is it:

Is it just me or does that look like a $500.00 ginormous heating pad? Oh, and in case you fall for it, it’s “non-returnable?” 

So many people making money off the pandemic but they’re selling things we need like masks and hand sanitizers. Gwyneth wants y’all to buy a heating pad.

Next up, a candle that smells like your vagina on COVID-19.

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Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton have been together for over four years, and there’s been wedding rumors  since Day One, but, apparently, Gwen won’t walk down the aisle because she’s really Catholic and won’t get married until her fourteen year marriage to Gavin Rossdale is annulled by the church.

Huh. I didn’t know “really Catholic: meant shacking up with your new lover, but I guess “really Catholic” means picking and choosing the rules you feel best suit your situation.

And a Sidenote: since annulment basically says there was no marriage at any time ever between Gavin and Gwen does that mean her children with Gavin are now bastard children?

I mean, it’s the Catholics, so we know they’re kinda effed up.

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Oh my … That Woman, the matriarch of the Kardastrophe Klan, has come out from her crypt bearing Christmas gifts.

Apparently, That Woman has partnered with Botox Cosmetics for a campaign called Gift Like A Boss and she will be giving the gift of poison injections into your face to celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus.

And, from what I’ve heard, to save some money, cuz that shiz can be costly, she’s having the stores of Botox already in her face opened up for the gift exchange. Yes, it’s used Botox from That Woman, and her explanation is e-very-thing:

“It’s a one stop shop for me. And who doesn’t love Botox? For me it’s been really great. If you’re responsible, and you talk to your doctor, I think it works. It’s something that I’ve been using for a long time. My routine is pretty simple, but it always has been my entire life. A massage, a great facial, a manicure and a little Botox and I’m good to go. I’m pretty traditional. As long as I’m clean and scrubbed up, I’m a happy camper.”

Oh, dear god. someone stop this tool from speaking.

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And speaking of delusional tools and their Christmas gifts, enter GOOP.

In addition to her loads of useless way-too-expensive crap she wants to unload this season, Gwyneth Paltrow’s new holiday commercial featuring her gifting herself a vibrator.

Seriously; the ad features Gwynnie getting ready for guests in her luxurious penthouse, laying out the food and drinks and then stuffing a vibrator into her … stocking.

It’s the new G Label dildo and sells for a Paltrow, er, paltry, $100. But if you’re feeling like royalty and not a peasant, GOOP also offers  24-karat gold Lelo vibrator for $3500.

Batteries ALLEGEDLY not included.

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Bill Cosby is currently serving a 3-10-year prison sentence for sexual assault, but had, of course, appealed the ruling claiming this was some kind of conspiratorial political hit … on a comedian.

His appeal was denied, so, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas. I hope there’s Jell-O on the menu come the 25th.

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A couple of weeks back, Justin Timberlake was photographed getting a little too handsy—holding handsy—with his co-star Alisha Wainwright.

But friends came to his defense and said, basically, That’s Justin! This Fall on Fox.

But I digress. And then, Timberlake took to social media to basically say it was nothing, but that he’s sorry for the “nothing” and hopes the “nothing” didn’t embarrassment his wife, Jessica Biel, and their son.

It was “nothing” …except, it now appears Justin was ordered to do the Instagram PSA by Jessica, who wasn’t just gonna take a kitchen table apology.

I guess it wasn’t really “nothing” after all.

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Eddie Murphy is promoting Dolemite Is My Name and apparently feels that bragging about the ten times he’s knocked ups several different women is really sexy …to women, cuz he said this:

“Men kind of look at me like, ‘He’s crazy. How much did that s–t cost?’ And women, it’s kind of like, something sexy about it, I think. [They think,] ‘Eddie Murphy must be doing his thing. Eddie Murphy be getting it in.’”

He’s, um, gotten it in ten times.

Here’s the rundown: Murphy and his fiancée Paige Butcher welcomed his 10th child last December, adding to the daughter they already have.

Murphy also has children—Bria, 30, Miles, 27, Shayne, 25, Zola, 19, and Bella, 17—with ex-wife Nicole Murphy. Then there’s the son, Eric, 30, with Paulette McNeely, and another son Christian, 29, with Tamera Hood, and daughter Angel with Spice Girl Mel B.

And if you check the ages of his children, Eddie was getting it in … without protection … with more than one woman at a time.

Yeah, that’s sexy.

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When last we left Jenna Dewan, formerly Tatum, she was complaining a bit about being blindside by her ex-husband Channing’s new girlfriend while Jenna herself already had a new boyfriend and was already knocked up.

It’s a pity party of one, and a play for attention. But now comes the ugly … while the Tatum’s quickly divorced so they could quickly move on to the next one, their custody battle for rages on.

Jenna is claiming her movie star husband is a deadbeat dad because when he has their daughter, Everly, he won’t let Jenna FaceTime with her. To make matters worse, Jenna says when she has Everly, Channing never calls. Meanwhile, Channing is claiming that Jenna is just “so difficult” that he FaceTimes Everly through the nanny.

Remember when they were madly in love? They don’t.

Jenna also claims that Channing doesn’t pay his share of child support, while Channing points to a “joint account with community funds that cover Everly’s expenses.” And lastly, the couple has to go to court to get a judge to declare what Everly’s holiday schedule will be because the two of them cannot agree on a single date.

Lemme clear this up for the couple, and play Fortune Teller … Everly will grow up and one day she will Google her parents and see them all lovey dovey on a Monday, divorcing on a Tuesday, hooking up with some else on a Wednesday, and, in Mama’s case, pregnant by Thursday, and then fighting over their child because they’re so pissed at one another they don’t even see what they’ve done to their daughter,

Nice.

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Wendy Williams is so thirsty for attention that she talks about rumors about herself that don’t even exist.

It seems Wendy took an entire segment on her show recently to refute a Radar Online piece entitled “Sorry Whitney! Houston’s Lesbian Lover Robyn Crawford Now BFFs With Wendy Williams” which Wendy seems to think outed her as a lesbian.

BFF, Wendy, in case you don’t know, is Best friends Forever, and isn’t some kind of underground lesbian code.

Take a seat, and have a drink. You’re clearly parched.

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The only thing big about Tom Cruise, other than his ego, are the lifts in his, ALLEGEDLY, size six shoes. I mean, the bitch is tiny.

And the creator of Jack Reacher, played by Tiny Tom in two films, Lee Child, has always maintained that Tom was too tiny to be Jack, but now he’s also saying Cruise is too old:

 “I’ve never seen him in bare feet. He wears Timberland boots with a decent sole on them. [But] he is absolutely average height … All actors are small.”

Well, Tom won’t be playing Jack Reacher anymore, because according to Lee, he had a clause in his contract that allowed him to leave after two films; and since neither film was very successful, Tiny Tom is out.

Lee—who claims to like Cruise—also thinks Tiny Tom is past his prime and should give up the action and maybe reboot the Ironside franchise and play the cop in the wheelchair:

“He’s too old for this stuff. He’s 57, he needs to move on, transition to being a character actor. He could get another 20 years out of it. He is talented. He’s a terrific guy, very considerate, good fun.”

But old. And short. I mean, you can shove an insert in your shoe to make yourself appear taller, but short of the Lucille Ball in Mame filter, you cannot appear to be younger.

That wheelchair role is looking better and better.

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This week a series of photographs appeared of Justin Timberlake holding hands with his co-star Alisha Wainwright at a bar in New Orleans; there were also shots of the pair entering and exiting Justin’s trailer onset.

No big deal, except, Missus Timberlake, Jessica Biel. But maybe she doesn’t care because in this day of signaling that your marriage is over—showing up on Instagram without your wedding ring—Biel is still wearing her diamond. And maybe it’s because, after years of marriage and years of Timberlake is cheating rumors, Jessica is all …

Shiz, he was just holding her hand? Bitch please.

Insiders to the Timberlake-Biel arrangement say that Justin and Jessica are “going to move on from this,” and his friends just say he likes to get drunk and hold hands with his pretty co-workers.

Nothing to see here, folks!

Right.

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Eighty-two-year-old Bill Cosby, who is spending the next several years in prison, recently gave an interview in which he says he just loves prison.

Uh huh. Sexual predator Cosby is doing his thing in jail and when it comes time for his parole hearing, he promises that you will not hear one ounce of remorse from him for ALLEGEDLY drugging and sexually assaulting over fifty women throughout his entire life:

“I have eight years and nine months left… When I come up for parole, they’re not going to hear me say that I have remorse. I was there. I don’t care what group of people come along and talk about this when they weren’t there. They don’t know. I’ve got a wife and a family, and friends, not in prison, who are so happy that I have something, that my spirit is up.”

Seriously, he isn’t remorseful but he’s delusional AF if he goes before the parole board and says he isn’t sorry.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Recently in Gossip we talked Chris Brown’s stint in rehab for anger management that was scheduled to last ninety days but ended at about 14 days. His peeps said he left early because he had to finish his community service from the time he beat the crap outta Rihanna, but, yeah, that was a lie.

Chris Brown was kicked out of the program for throwing a rock at his mother’s car.

Really, Chris Brown??

According to the probation report, Chris’ mom showed up for a family session and was urging him to stay in the facility for extended treatment but Chris wasn’t playing that. He disagreed with Mama Brown, stomped out of the session, grabbed a handful of rocks and threw them at her car, shattering the windows.

Yeah, he don’t need no stinking anger management. Jail would be better.

Kanye. Oy. He’s talking again, and by talking I mean whining like the little bitch he is.

First up: Bruno Mars. At a stop on his Yeezus Tour — which I take to mean, Yeezus Christ You’re A Douche — Miss Kanye bitched to the crowd about the MTV Video Music Awards:

“I’m sitting there, I’m trying to enjoy mother**kers performing, and sh*t. I’m looking, I’m watching Drake perform, I see Bruno Mars perform, and sh*t. And then they start giving out awards and sh*t, and Bruno Mars won all the mother**king awards, and sh*t.”

Actually, Bruno only won two awards, for “Locked Out of Heaven” and “Treasure” but Kanye wouldn’t know the truth if it looked like Kim’s ass and bitchslapped him.

Next up: The Fashion World

“You seen my interview on Jimmy Kimmel talking about how I want to do clothes, how I want support and sh*t. And y’all say, ‘Why can’t he just do it by his self?’ Well, I want to let you know I signed my deal a week and a half ago.”

Of course, he didn’t bother to mention with whom he signed a deal, but I think he might be joining Kim in the bargain bin at Sears.

Next up: Nike CEO Mark Parker.

“They tried to make [the shoe I designed] as small as possible. Mark Parker even talked sh*t, talking about, ‘We don’t even know why people like the Yeezys’. They like ‘em like they like the Jordans, because I was in fourth grade getting kicked out for drawing Jordans.”

Uh huh.

Lastly: Getting Kim on the cover of Vogue

Kanye is really pushing for Kim to get her own Vogue cover and Anna Wintour still isn’t buying it. But Kanye has ALLEGEDLY already created his own cover; a wedding cover, with Kim — not Kanye — in the wedding gown. And he has ALLEGEDLY hired Mario Testino to shoot the pictures and asking Testino to speak to Wintour on Kim’s behalf.

Like anyone, even Kanye’s big ego teamed with Kim’s big ass could get Anna Wintour to put a Kardastrophe on Vogue.

Yeezus needs to sit down.

Courtney Stodden. The ginormous boobed teenager who married a man old enough o be her grandpappy and is now divorcing him is also making news.

She wore a completely see-through negligee to the Pop Fashion and Sport Event. She is possibly being paid to attend these events and look like a blow-up doll because she has no discernible skills.

She says she will not do porn, which means she’ll be doing porn.

She wants to be the new Lady Gaga. A source — probably her soon-to-be-ex — says she is “obsessed with launching her music career… She is confident she can be the next Lady Gaga—but on an ever larger scale.” You know, because of the large scale boobs.

She won’t say ‘No’ if ABC offered to make her the new Bachelorette. I think the season should be sub-titled Jumped The Shark with Stodden’s Boobs.

She says her marriage ended not because her husband was alive when JFK was hot and her own parents were not yet born, but because Doug was “slowing down” and he couldn’t have sex with her as much as she wanted: “Our sex was good, I’m not going to lie, but I’m a young girl who wants to experience sex of all kinds and he’s an older man who’s slowing down a bit. I wanted more sex.” 

I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that.

New Year’s Eve will be Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris’s first wedding anniversary — speaking of young boob-enhanced girls marrying men old enough to be their grandpas, or in Crystal’s case, her great-grandpa.

And the marriage has been quiet, even after Crystal ditched Hef at the altar the first go-round to take some time and think about marrying Moses while she banged Dr. Phil’s son while Phil watched. ALLEGEDLY.

And now, one year in, BIG SURPRISE, rumor has it that the 27-year-old and the 87-year-old don’t have that much in common and their marriage is plagued with problems.

Like she doesn’t care where he was when he heard the news that Lincoln was shot. And he doesn’t know an iPad from an IUD. He doesn’t want to go out lest he venture to far from a bathroom and she doesn’t want to stay in and want reruns of the Golden Girls. He plays Dominoes, she plays Guess How Many Rolled Up Newspapers I Can Carry Under My Breasts. His favorite movie star: Lillian Gish—Google her—and her fave movie star: Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

Yeah, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that an 87-year-old man and a 27-year-old chemistry experiment have much in common.

Aaron Carter, former pop star is kinda broke.

According to legal documents, his assets total $8,232.16 while his liabilities total $2,204,854. Yup, worth 8 thou, owes 2 mil; you don’t have to be Einstein to see where this is headed. Carter  also owes nearly $1.5 million to the IRS.

He listed all of his assets — including his dog, who was given a monetary value of $0.00 — while his other assets include:

61″ flat screen worth $500; 2 MacBooks; 2 Headset Mics; mini keyboard; Portable Beats; One guitar; $60 in cash; 1 Louis Vuitton backpack; a Brietling watch worth $3,750.

He’s living with relatives right now.

Hopefully the dog is living with someone who can afford Kibble.

Remember when Kanye first hooked up with The Kash Kow — Kim Kardastrophe? 

Remember how he said he wouldn’t ever appear on her “show” and then he did? 

Remember when he said he wanted to be left alone, but then he paraded his baby mama out dressed like a sofa? 

Remember when he said he wanted his privacy?

He lied.

‘Now the rumor is saying that when Kim and Kanye do get married — ALLEGEDLY next summer — that the nuptials will be televised.

Because Kim learned nothing from turning her last 2-month marriage into a TV show.

I am not a fan of Beyoncé. Take away the glitter and the hip thrusts and the wind machine and she’s the girl who makes my Latte in the morning.

Beyoncé lives in Beyoncé World where everything’s coming up Beyoncé, made by Beyoncé, designed by Beyoncé, sold by Beyoncé, for Beyoncé. When she wants something for Beyoncé, it’s done by and for and how Beyoncé wants it. ALLEGEDLY. 

But then she wanted to visit the Great Pyramids at Giza and she ended up being banned.

Jay Z say what?

It seems Beyoncé wanted a private tour of the pyramids all to herself, and asked renowned archaeologist Zahi Hawass to be her guide, but then she was late, kept him waiting and when she showed up, rather than  apologize, she turned on a wind machine, thrust her junk at him and said, er, lip-synced, "I’m Beyoncé.”

Hawass, the former Egyptian Minister of State for Antiquities, tells the story:

“She said she would come at 3PM but she came late. I said ‘You have to say I’m sorry I’m late’. But she didn’t open her mouth. I brought a photographer and she also had a photographer and a guard. When my photographer started to shoot, he said ‘No, Stop! I am the one who says yes or no, not you.’ I said ‘In that case since you almost hit my photographer and you are not polite — out! I am not giving you the privilege of having you on my tour.’ I said Beyoncé was stupid and I left.”

Snap. Beyoncé. Dissed by an archaeologist!

LeAnn Rimes got into more Twitter drama; this time with an ex. No, not her adulterous husband Eddie Cibrian’s ex, but her own ex Dean Sheremet.

 Dean and LeAnn don’t seem to speak or acknowledge each other ever. After their divorce — where he no doubt got a sizable payout so she could marry the married man she’d been schtupping — he moved to New York, went to culinary school and got married to a not-insane girl.

But last month he gave an interview where he talked about LeAnn, and that started new drama which LeAnn naturally took to Twitter.

It all began when a Twitterer, calling themselves Da Giggle Factory — and may, or may not, have actually been LeAnn using a fake account — posted a picture of LeAnn and Dean with the caption, “Remember the good old days when @leannrimes was just a chubby country bumpkin married to a gay dude?”

Rimes reTweeted, and Tweeted back, “hahahaha I’m gonna choose to laugh at this”

Dean Tweeted back, “Laugh away-Who’s the bully now?” He was referring o LeAnn’s recent stint in rehab for the stress caused by Twitter bullies.

Dean then wrote Tweeted  a message to both Rimes and the NOH8 Campaign: “I don’t do twitter wars, but I do hate ignorance.”

Then LeAnn — because her last album sank like a stone and she has nothing to do — did The Twitter Backtrack, Tweeting that she “laughing” at herself, and said Sheremet’s “not gay and there’s nothing wrong” if he was: “I have always & will always support the [gay] community.”

LeAnn needs a job, something away from a computer, but also something she can do while watching Eddie because you just know he’ll cheat on her like he did Wife #1.

Sidenote:  Rumor has it that LeAnn spends most of her time on Twitter responding to herself through various Twitter handles that she’s created for herself.

Basically she talks to herself. Online. Under assumed names. Oy.

Remember Michaele Salahi, who crashed a White House party with her husband Tareq, then showed up on Real Housewives of DC acting like a complete lunatic before she was drummed off the show, disappeared, and then reappeared in the bed of former Journey guitarist Neal Schon?

Well,  Michaele and Schon have announced their engagement and also said that their wedding will be televised as a pay-per-view “event” for the low low price of $14.99.

I’d rather head to the WalMart bargain bin and get a used copy of The Runaway Bride for $17.99.

Seriously? A reality show trainwreck and a has-been guitarist want to sell their wedding to the world. The world ain’t buying kids.

I apologize for the  Kanye overdose this week, but he is the gift that keeps on giving.

And before we get going on his idiocy, let’s giggle for a moment at the reviews for the Yeezus tour, most of which use the words ‘egomaniacal’ and ‘crazy’ and, my favorite, ‘bonkers’ when describing Miss West and her onstage rants at anyone who thinks she isn’t All that and a bag of chips.

Performing at Madison Square Garden recently, Kanye went off on Hedi Slimane, the former Dior designer and current creative director for Saint Laurent, for not treating him like a ‘god’:

“He was once a friend of mine, in the time of Christian Dior. And I used to wear his tight-ass jeans when I was on tour and get called names for it . . . And Hedi Slimane was a god who didn’t serve no bullsh*t … but it takes a god to recognize another god. So when he told me you can come to my show, but you can’t come to see Phoebe [Philo] and you can’t come to see Riccardo [Tisci], that was odd. He tried to control me! He tried to tell me where I could go!”

And no one, NO ONE, keeps Kanye from Riccardo, if you get my meaning.

Just sayin’. He sounds like a woman scorned.

I loathe Justin Timberlake. After watching the American Music Awards — okay, I DVRd it and watched the three hour show in 22 minutes — I came to the conclusion that JT is really TSwifty with a beard. They both have that same phony Aw shucks mentality while acting like they deserve every accolade and more.

And JT takes it a step further, acting like he can do anything. While accepting an award he began to speak in a Bajan accent — suddenly he's Rihanna — to kind of remind people that he can do anything — except make a hit movie — because he was  nominated for “Pop, Rock, and Soul R-and-B.”

He can do it all, y’all, except, like I said, have a hit movie if he plays anything other than a side note character.

Clint Eastwood‘s daughter, Francesca, is seeking an annulment from Jordan Feldstein—manager of Robin Thicke and Adam Levine and brother to Jonah Hill—after less than a week of marriage.

Sources close to the couple — possibly Clint’s soon-to-be ex-wife, and Kris Jenner wannabe, Dina — say the “wedding’ fueled by alcohol. Francesca and Jordan were legally married in a cheesy Vegas wedding chapel by Elvis impersonator.

Holy Britney Spears!

And Francesca had immediate regrets…

Funny, straight folks can get drunk and get married and then call it quits in a matter of hours all they want, but The Gays threaten the sanctity of marriage.

So, remember Paris Hilton’s sex tape?

I mean it came out sometime in the last decade when she was still kind of relevant, but now, NOW, she’s filing suit against a Slovenian website called ParisHiltonPornVideos.com, which has apparently been showing clips of Paris’ clips and bits to drive traffic.

And so now, NOW, she wants it stopped and she wants to get paid for it. She wants the domain name transferred to her because if anyone’s gonna make money off of Paris’ skankitude it better be Paris.

And Rick Salomon who first sold the tape about a hundred years ago.

Is this for real? Are people, any people, still interested enough in Paris Hilton to pay to see her gettin’ did? Or is it as I think, just more of Paris trying to keep herself in the news because, let’s face it, she’s as over as twerking.