The Funny Papers

Chris Britt, Matt Wuerker, Clay Bennett, Bill Bramhall, Adam Zyglis, Jesse Duquette, Max Espinoza, Jack Ohman, Phil Hands, Lalo Alcaraz, Nick Anderson, Dennis Goris, 

I Didn't Say It ...

Dr. Anthony Fauci, talking to CNN about the GOP and MTG coming for him:

“It’s a pattern, Kaitlan, that whenever somebody gets up—whether it’s a news media, you know Fox News, does it a lot, or it’s somebody in the Congress who gets up and makes a public statement that’s responsible for the deaths of X number of people because of policies or some crazy idea that I created—immediately, it’s like clockwork. The death threats go way up. So, that’s the reason why I’m still getting death threats, when you have performances like that unusual performance by Marjorie Taylor Greene in today’s hearing, those are the kind of things that drive up the death threats because there is a segment of the population out there that believe that kind of nonsense.”

As I saw on Facebook yesterday, please remember that Fauci graduated from Cornell and Large Marge can boil corn.

That’s all.

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Jamie Raskin, Maryland Democrat, speaking to Fauci at this latest hearing:

“[The GOP] is treating you, Dr. Fauci, like a convicted felon. Actually, you probably wish they were treating you like a convicted felon. They treat them with love and admiration. Some blindly worship them.”

Snap.

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Ken Buck, retiring GOP Representative, speaking to Jon Stewart:’

“I think the problem right now is everybody gets their news sources in silos and they just keep getting reinforced with certain ideas. I went to a neighbor’s house the day after the 2020 election, their flag was upside down. There’s a lot of life out there besides arguing about nothing and telling lies, and so I made a choice to go enjoy what I’ve got left. I left because I couldn’t tell the lie. The 2020 election wasn’t stolen. The January 6 defendants aren’t political prisoners. I think there is a leader out there that will unify and help unify America, and it’s somebody who has great morals, somebody who has great leadership skills. A John F. Kennedy. You know, I probably wouldn’t have said this 20 years ago, that he was a great hero, but you look at what John F. Kennedy did in terms of bringing the country together during the Cold War and moving us forward. There is somebody there that will help America heal and move forward. I know it’s not Ken Buck and I know that it’s not one of the two candidates leading the country in the polls right now.”

I think it’s Pete Buttigieg and if we can keep Hair Furor out of power, we can get a President Pete in 2028.

So Vote Blue for the future.

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Stormy Daniels, asking Melanie to leave her crooked husband—not because he f*cked a porn star but because he’s a convicted felon:

“I don’t know what their agreement may or may not be, but Melania needs to leave him. Not because of what he did with me or other women but because he is a convicted felon. It’s been proven he is abusive; he was found liable for sexual assault and tax fraud and is now a criminal. He’s neither Teflon Don nor Teflon Con anymore.”

Yeah, I imagine Melanie has had a team of lawyers rewriting her prenup every other day to make sure she gets more and more coins the longer he stays with Hair Furor.

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Kevin Maxen, the Jacksonville Jaguars strength coach, celebrating his first Pride since coming out last summer:

“Today I get to celebrate the start of my first Pride Month, as open and true to myself as I possibly could be. With all the fear and concern regarding LGBTQ inclusion in sports, I was very worried about how I would be welcomed and viewed by my peers, but after publicly coming out before the start of training camp this past summer, the Jaguars proved to me that no matter what, who, or how you identify, you are supported, loved and valued.”

The Jaguars were one of the first pro sports teams to share a pro-LGBTQ Pride Month message on June 1; even team owner Shad Khan said:

“Kevin is a Jacksonville Jaguar through and through, and a key member of our football team and community. I look forward to seeing Kevin next week at training camp and hope that he comes to work each day during camp and through the season feeling confident, free and at peace.”

It’s doubtful the Jaguars would have been this on-top of Pride Month without an out coach.

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Adam Schiff, California Democrat Representative, on Hair Furor’s daughter-in-law minion, Lara and her whines about the trial:

“Well, first, in terms of Lara _____’s interview, and her complaining about the case being tried in New York before New York jury, if you don’t want to be tried in front of a New York jury, then maybe don’t commit so many crimes in New York City. It’s pretty simple. And that jury was selected in part by [Hair Furor] and his attorneys. They vetted each of the jurors. He had every right that every other criminal defendant has in that courtroom. And they found—this ordinary jury of peers found him guilty on every single count. So if you don’t want to be tried in New York, don’t commit crimes in New York. But he got the same due process as any other person and that’s exactly the way it should be.”

Facts are facts, Lara.

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Hair Furor, on Fox & Friends Weekends, lying cuz it’s all he does:

“I beat her. It’s easier when you win. And they always said lock her up, and I felt—and I could have done it, but I felt it would have been a terrible thing. And then this happened to me. Hillary Clinton—I didn’t say lock her up, but the people said lock her up, lock her up. Okay. Then, we won. And I say—and I said pretty openly, I said, all right, come on, just relax, let’s go, we’ve got to make our country great. And it would have been—think of it, you lock up the wife of a president of the United States.”

Seriously, how many hundreds of times did he effing say it in front of his cult, in front of a goddamned microphone, in front of a f*cking camera, and now he says he never said it.

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David Sedaris, humorist and author, on the choices for president in 2024:

“I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. ‘Can I interest you in the chicken?’ she asks. ‘Or would you prefer the platter of shit with broken glass in it?’ To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.”

I don’t need the shit and shards of glass, do you?

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Meme Dump

The Funny Papers

Kevin Siers, Mike Luckovich, Michael de Adder, Bill Bramhall, David Horsey, Px Molina, Ed Wexler, Nick Anderson, Drew Sheneman, Ed Hall, Mike Smith, Dave Granlund, Deb Milbrath, Clay Bennett

I Didn't Say It

Thomas James, U.S. Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class and one of the Club Q guests who charged at the shooter, on why he did it and what the LGBTQ+ community needs to do:

“I simply wanted to save the family I found. If I had my way, I would shield everyone I could from the nonsensical acts of hate in the world, but I am only one person. To the youth, I say be brave. Your family is out there. You are loved and valued. So when you come out of the closet, come out swinging.”

Come out and fight to be treated equally in this country. Fight for your rights, fight for your lives, fight for a government that represents all the people.

Keep in mind that it doesn’t take a good guy with a gun to stop a bad guy with a gun, it takes a gay man with no gun who is tired of not feeling safe in his own country.

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Michael Elizabeth Pence, former Vice President, says Thing 45 “demonstrated profoundly poor judgment” for dining with Nick Fuentes and Kanye West:

“[Thing 45] was wrong to give a white nationalist, an antisemite and Holocaust denier, a seat at the table and I think he should apologize for it. And he should denounce those individuals and their hateful rhetoric without qualification.”

Michael Elizabeth Pence clearly still has Mother’s balls and is clearly trying to run in 2024, because now he’s getting tough on his old boss., but while they were in office Pence followed the racist traitorous leader like a dog.

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Jesse Watters, Fox News host, apparently suggesting women need to stop cutting their hair and being nicer to men:

“Women need men, and men need women. We need each other. And if you understand nature, you understand there is not a war between the sexes. We need to make love, not war. And you need to stop chopping your hair off and calling us ‘toxic.’ We are on a mission—yes, we peacock, but we peacock for your attention—so fall in love and let’s all live happily ever after.”

Watters admitted to wooing his wife, Emma—who was a younger producer working on his show at the time and he was a married man—by sabotaging her car.

“When I was trying to get Emma to date me, the first thing I did was let the air out of her tires. She couldn’t go anywhere. She needed a lift, I said, ‘You need a lift?’ She hopped right in the car.”

Sounds like a predator to me.

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Anthony Fauci, when asked if he thinks attacks on him will “wane” in the new Congress:

“The Republicans, had they won the Senate, they would be bringing me before the committee that Rand Paul likely would be chairing. That’s not going to happen because the Senate is not in the Republican control. But the Republican House has said that they’re going to—and that’s fine with me. I’m very much in favor of legitimate oversight. Absolutely. I mean, I’ve testified before Congress—given the 38 years that I’ve been director—literally hundreds of times, in many oversight hearings.”

Don’t come for Fauci and let the guy who suggested drinking bleach or shining a flashlight up your ass or that this was a nothing virus and would go way in the Spring and then let 1,000,000+ Americans die get away with anything.

But the GOP wants to punish anyone who hurt Thing 45s ego.

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Paul Ryan, former GOP Speaker of the House, blaming Thig 45 for Republicans’ Senate loss in the midterms:

“I was not a never-_____er, but I am a never-again _____er. Why? Because I want to win. And we lose with [Thing 45]. What we now know, it’s pretty clear is, with [Thing 45], we lose. I don’t mean this personally—it’s just evidence. It’s palpable right now. We get past [Thing 45], we start winning elections. We stick with [Thing 45], we keep losing elections, that’s just how I see it.”

Oh Paul, welcome to the right side of history … finally. And only after the losses of the GOP this month. To be clear, you pandering asshat, if any of Thing 45’s chosen candidates had won, you wouldn’t be saying this at all; you’d continue goose-stepping like you’ve always done.

Now, kindly fuck off.

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Kevin McCarthy, vowing to boot Democrats from committees if … big if … he’s elected Speaker:

“I’ll keep that promise. And one thing I said from the very beginning, Eric Swalwell cannot get a security clearance in the public sector. Why would we ever give him a security clearance in the secrets to America? So I will not allow him to be on Intel. You have Adam Schiff who had lied to the American public time and again. We will not allow him to be on the Intel committee either. And you look at, Congresswoman Omar, her anti-Semitic comments that have gone forward, we’re not going to allow her to be on Foreign Affairs.”

Notice not a word about inflation, gas prices, borders, fentanyl, just ways to punish the Democrats. The GOP hasn’t learned that they are slowly becoming a minority in this country with their Do Nothing But Complain stance.

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Adam Kinzinger, outgoing Republican Congressman who put country over party, on Kevin McCarthy:

“I think he has cut so many deals with bad people to get to this position that I think he’s not going to be a leader at all. I think he will be completely hostage to kind of the extreme wings of the Republican Party. And I, frankly, don’t think he’s going to last very long. Maybe he will prove me wrong. But it’s sad to see a man that I think had so much potential just totally sell himself. I have done this business for a while. And I will tell you, they’re just the ‘hope yes, vote no’ caucus. They vote no on everything, or now they’re only going to vote for the most conservative stuff.”

Sad, but Kinzinger may be right, and if he is, just imagine who might get the Speaker of the House job.

That’s scary.

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Greg Kelly, Newsmax host, behaving like a child:

“Hakeem. This is Hakeem Jeffries, and he’s been there since 2012, and everybody says, this is probably the next minority leader. Could be a Speaker someday. Not much in the way—just like Kevin McCarthy—not much in the way of intellect or accomplishment. For this guy, though, you know what his calling card is? The name. Hakeem. I mean, that is–come on–that’s fashionable. That is so cool right now, and I think that’s what’s happening here.”

Kelly also suggested Nancy Pelosi “staged” the assault on her husband; he also called the Dallas police to “report” a drag show, and in August he claimed that a Capitol police officer beaten unconscious by rioting Proud Boys had actually “fallen and bumped her head.”

So, yeah, he’s an idiot.

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