The Biggest Bigots On the Ballot in 2018 ...And All Republicans

I have been saying that ever since _____ took office the bigots, haters, racists, misogynists, homophobes and, yes, child molesters, would come crawling out of the woodwork and into the light, emboldened by their Orange leader.

And here are some of them, thanks to RollingStone …

Joe Arpaio, running for US Senate from Arizona.

Arpaio, the former Maricopa County Sheriff, gained national notice when he instructed his officers to demand proof of citizenship from any person suspected of being undocumented.

When the courts ruled his idea unconstitutional—cuz it’s racial profiling—he kept doing it. And so, he was convicted of contempt of court in 2017, but then pardoned by _____ before he was even sentenced, and then said he was running for office.

John Fitzgerald, running for US Congress from California.

A rabid anti-Semite, Fitzgerald is a Holocaust-denier—six million Jews were not murdered in Nazi Germany—and believes 9/11 was a Jewish-orchestrated conspiracy. Amazingly enough, Fitzgerald received more than 36,000 votes in his California primary, earning a slot on the ballot in November. Since then, he’s been all over the media with his neo-Nazi, anti-Semitic rhetoric promising to expose “the truth about the Holocaust and how it’s an absolute fabricated lie.”

Seth Grossman, running for US Congress from New Jersey.

Grossman is a former city councilman and county freeholder from Atlantic City who believes that gay men should have been quarantined in the ‘80s and has called Islam “a cancer.” On Facebook, he’s shared posts by Jihad Watch’s Robert Spencer, anti-Islam agitator Pamela Geller, alt-right poster boy Milo Yiannopoulos as well as racist memes, including one that suggested Arabs, like Obama, want to “move to your country, rape our women, bomb your buses, riot in your streets, and demand that you accept [their] religion.”

Arthur Jones, running for US Congress from Illinois.

Jones, a member of the American Nazi party, lost seven bids for Congress before finally securing the GOP nomination this year, after _____ became president. The Illinois state GOP worked to defeat him, but twenty-thousand Republicans voted for the man who called the Holocaust was “a greatly overblown nonevent.”

Steve King, running for US Congress from Iowa.

King—the incumbent and considered a shoo-in for an eighth term—has retweeted the thoughts of prominent bigots like Geert Wilders, Mark Collett and Viktor Orbán; he has proudly displayed a Confederate flag on his desk for years, has said white people have contributed more to civilization than any other “subgroup” in history, and has characterized immigrants having “calves the size of cantaloupes” from hauling drugs across the desert.

Paul Nehlen, running for US Congress from Wisconsin.

Nehlen describes himself as the “pro-White” congressional candidate and is a friend of ex-KKK Grand Wizard David Duke and Daily Stormer founder Andrew Anglin. He’s been permanently suspended by both Twitter—for racist “jokes”—and his views are so toxic that he’s not only been condemned by the state GOP and Paul Ryan—yes, Ryan actually spoke out against someone in his own party—whose seat he’s seeking.

Corey Stewart, running for US Senate from Virginia.

At the height of the debate over Confederate monuments last year, Stewart declared on Twitter, “Nothing is worse than a Yankee telling a Southerner that his monuments don’t matter.” More recently, he’s asserted his disbelief “that the Civil War was ultimately fought over the issue of slavery.”

Russell Walker, running for US House from North Carolina.

Walker says that “God is a racist and a white supremacist” and that all Jewish people are descendants of Satan; he won the GOP primary and since then has appeared on the white supremacist Stormfront Action podcast where he used the N-word to call voters in his own district; he will face an African American minister in November general election.

On the upside, some of these racist, bigoted, homophobic, misogynistic asshats have already been defeated, like …

Nathan Larson ran for US Congress from Virginia.

Larson, a Libertarian, created a series of websites for likeminded pedophiles and involuntary celibates. His campaign manifesto envisioned a country where a “benevolent white supremacy” ruled, where incest and child pornography were legal, where the Violence Against Women Act was repealed and replaced by “a system that classifies women as property, initially of their fathers and later of their husbands.” Larson got less than two percent of the vote in the primary, but he’ll have a second shot when he appears on the general election ballot in November.

Patrick Little, ran for US Senate from California.

Little campaigned for the chance to challenge Dianne Feinstein under the slogan “Liberate the US from the Jewish Oligarchy.” His platform included a promise to have the United States formally declare the Holocaust “a Jewish war atrocity propaganda hoax that never happened.”

Roy Moore ran for US Senate in Alabama.

Moore, a chief justice of Alabama’s Supreme Court, tried, and failed to fight off criticism of his racist, anti-gay and transphobic views for years. His Senate bid was tanked by multiple credible accusations of sexual misconduct with underage girls.

So, you see, that while the racists and haters are feeling emboldened to step into the light, they are being defeated, though some have inched forward to the general Election in November.

All the more reason to register and vote, and tell everyone you know to register and vote. Vote out the GOP—whose mute indifference to _____ and these racists—has emboldened them to step forward.

Make it clear that this is not happening. This will not happen.

Bobservations

Last week we took Ozzo to the vet to have a dental cleaning and a growth removed from his hind leg. During the initial examination, which occurred a few days before, we were told the dental would be $787.00 and the “tumor” removal would be a shade over $800; we were also told that if any teeth needed to be removed that would be an additional charge.

I asked the doctor if there was a way we could whore out Ozzo to defray some of the costs … perhaps use him as a blood donor for other dogs at $50 a pop? Perhaps use him in their dog training classes as the What Not To Do Dog? Sadly, no.

Well, we learned as the surgical day went on that he had several teeth removed—he’s an older dog now, no matter how tiny he looks—and so as I picked Carlos up after work and we went to get Ozzo, we both muttered something like:

“It’s gonna be two thousand dollars for this dog.”

I, however, was the only one who asked if maybe we could just not go get the dog and skip out on the bill, and Carlos reminded me that the office manager at the vet’s office is the daughter of my boss and, well … damn this small town!

But, when we got to the office, and I pushed Carlos, kicking and screaming toward the counter, we learned that the entire bill was … $985, because Ozzo handled the anesthesia so well, and his little heart is so strong, that they were able to do both procedures one after the other, saving us about $800.

Ozzo. Even in a cone hat I think we’ll keep him.

The Fat Bastard’s new lawyer, Rudy “Dial All Nines For Legal Advice” Giuliani says _____ repaid attorney Michael Cohen for that $130,000 payment to Stormy Daniels to keep quiet about their affair but … it was just last month that the Fat Bastard told reporters he knew nothing about the payment, he didn’t know why Cohen made the payment and didn’t know where Cohen had gotten the money.

And yet now it appears he did pay Cohen back, so, everyone’s lying about this mess and if ______ didn’t disclose this payout on his financial disclosure forms that could be trouble.

Still, the best part is that they are claiming that _____ paid back a loan for hush money to a porn star who claims she had sex with _____—sorry, I threw up in mouth a little—that ____ says never happened.

Yes, he paid off a porn star for not having sex with him and then not talking about the sex they didn’t have.

Speaking of hypocrites, Mike “I’m Not Gay” Pence was in Tempe, Arizona, to headline an event for the pro-____ group America First Policies. And, in his speech, Pence singled out former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio for praise:

"A great friend of this president, a tireless champion of strong borders and the rule of law. Sheriff Joe Arpaio, I'm honored to have you here."

Wow … I thought Good Christians don’t lie because, as far as that "tireless champion of strong borders and the rule of law " business:

In 2011, a federal judge ordered Arpaio to stop stopping anyone who was not directly suspected of having committed a state or federal crime. Arpaio never acknowledged that order and continued enforcing his own brand of immigration policy. He was found guilty of criminal contempt and was scheduled to be sentenced last fall—until the Fat Bastard pardoned him because, well, racists stick together.

Oh, and let’s not forget the time that Joe Arpaio once faked an assassination attempt, then framed a man for it — all to win sympathy for his reelection campaign. The innocent man spent 4 years in jail until the lie was revealed; Arizona taxpayers footed the $1 million settlement.

And that’s who Mike “I’m Not Gay” Pence thinks would be a good candidate for Senate because, again, racists stick together.

Ah, the Catholic Church, shaming women for centuries …. 

Divine Child High School in Dearborn, Michigan, has come up with a plan to keep their female students from attending prom in revealing outfits. If any girl shows up in a dress that school officials deem risqué, they will be given a … wait for it, it’s rich … “Modesty Poncho” to wear.

Yup.

Donte Robinson and Rashon Nelson, the two black men arrested for sitting while black at a Philadelphia Starbucks settled with the world's biggest coffee-shop chain Wednesday for an undisclosed sum and be given the opportunity to complete their bachelor's degrees, their tuition fully covered, through a Starbucks partnership with Arizona State University. Also, the men will be given the chance to discuss their experience and share their recommendations for changes at Starbucks with former Attorney General Eric Holder.

But, better than that, the two men reached a deal with the city Philadelphia for $1 each and a promise from officials to set up a $200,000 program for young entrepreneurs:

"We thought long and hard about it, and we feel like this is the best way to see that change that we want to see. It’s not a right-now thing that's good for right now, but I feel like we will see the true change over time."— Donte Robinson

The men portrayed the twin settlements as an effort to make sure something positive came out of the April 12 incident.

Let’s hope.

Now, in Hate The Gays News, the Oklahoma House passed a bill that will allow adoption and foster care agencies to discriminate against parents whose lives violate the “sincerely held religious beliefs” of the agency.

I never knew an agency could have “sincerely held religious beliefs” but, still, the idiotically named “Adoption Protection Act” passed the GOP-controlled house in a 60-26 vote cuz, you know, Republicans hate The Gays.

Oklahoma Governor, and noted anti-LGBTQ bigot, Mary Fallin, a Republican because, of course, is expected to sign the bill.

So, Oklahoma would rather kids stay in foster care, in orphanages, in state care than be adopted by loving same-sex couples because, oh yeah, Hate The Gays.

In Good Gay News … 

After Zach Link, a Washington DC man who was brutally attacked in an anti-gay hate crime, is smiling again, now that DC dentist, Dr. Christopher Banks fixed his broken teeth for free.

When Dr Banks, also a member of the LGBTQ community,  learned of the attack on Link, he offered to help; he met with Zach and proceeded to restore his smile. Banks says:

“[The LGBTQ] community is beautiful in its resilience and desire to support each other. In a day and age wherein we shake our heads and proclaim hate and violence toward the LGBTQ is senseless and barbaric, we all know it still happens and all we can do is try to help each other pick up the pieces in the aftermath. Without knowing the depth, breadth and expense of Zach’s injuries, I reached out and offered full care because we are all members of a powerful loving LGBTQ community before anything else. It is through these acts of love in the face of hate that we will persist, thrive, and succeed in showing the world we want to be ‘one’.”

The march goes on, if we all stick together.

More Good Gays News … 

The New Zealand rugby team All Blacks and its sister team Black Ferns have amazing new jerseys to celebrate equality; the jerseys appear black when worn, but when stretched they reveal a rainbow:

“The result is a fabric that maintains its black appearance when at rest, but when stretched, reveals the deeper grooved portions of each rib and the colors underneath.”

LGBTQ supportive … and cool.

Jessica Farrar, a Texas Democratic … yes, Democratic … Representative has proposed a bill that would fine a man $100 each time he masturbates. The bill also imposes a 24-hour waiting period if a guy wants a colonoscopy or a vasectomy, or if he's in the market for some Viagra.

I first thought this was the height of stupidity, and thanked the goddess that I don’t live in Texas as I could not afford the Jerk Off Tax—I kid—but Farrar only introduced the bill to give male lawmakers a taste of their own medicine.

"Let's look at what Texas has done to women. What if men had to undergo the same intrusive procedures?"

Farrar's bill would penalize men for masturbation because … insert sarcasm … such behavior is a failure to preserve the sanctity of life and "an act against an unborn child."

I imagine Texas male lawmakers, though, don’t get the hypocrisy.

Pray Live, a division of the Maryland Prayer Center, has offered their response to the glut of gun violence in this country by giving concerned students and their families prayer wrist bands to wear. The organization’s founder, Wenda Royster, says God told her to do this:

“‘I need you to heal this nation by reminding school children and their parents that no matter what is going on around them, I am always there. Remember, only prayer changes behavior and things.' So, I created wristbands for mass distribution across the Country to remind our children that God is there with them, and that prayer changes things.”

Um, Wenda? Unless the wristbands are made from the same thing as Wonder Woman’s bracelets, which can actually stop bullets, you might wanna rethink this, because I can guarantee that at every mass shooting people are praying to stay alive as they are being shot to death, so your prayers are kinda useless.

Ass.

I’ve heard it said that you don’t make passes at boys who wear glasses. I beg to differ. 

Artyom Dubovik begs me to differ.

Bobservations

Jason Katims, right, the co-creator of Rise, a new show on NBC this March, changed the sexual orientation of the main character in order to connect with the story.

Cuz, you know, connecting with gay people is so hard to do.

Katims adapted the true story of an openly gay high school drama teacher, Lou Volpe, who put on a production of Spring Awakening, but Katims decided to depict the teacher as heterosexual because, as he says, it makes it easier for him “to connect with the story.”

Oh, but never fear, there are some minor gay characters and storylines, you know, the “less than” kind, and Katims has given the no longer gay teacher a “son with a drinking problem” to better connect with audiences.

So, um, I guess having an underaged alcoholic is more acceptable than a gay lead character?

Pass.

Asshatted South Carolina Republican Congressman, Trey Gowdy, is stepping down from his role on the House Ethics Committee because of, ahem a “challenging workload.”

Gowdy faced criticism last year after it was revealed that he used $150,000 in taxpayer dollars to settle a dispute with a former aide, who had accused him of firing him after the man refused to focus his work on investigating former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Ethics. Gowdy has none.

And while searching for a photo of him for this piece, I realized he doesn’t have a stylist because gurl really needs help with her hair.

In High-larious news, the _____ brand is getting hit hard after the Fat Bastard’s shithole comments about Africa, Haiti, and El Salvador.

_____ hotels across the country are being targeted by Yelp users leaving one–star reviews and describing the facilities as shitholes.

In fact, these new shithole reviews caused the _____ International Hotel in Washington, DC, to temporarily drop to a two–star rating, down from its average of four stars. One David K. from San Antonio said:

“A real shithole. Owned by a malignant racist. Pee on the sheets. KKK in the lobby. Russians all over the place. Sad! Steaks over cooked with ketchup. Bibles in the rooms are missing lots of commandments. Mini-bar only has diet coke and Big Macs. Fourth rate shithole.”

Like I said, high-larious … especially when you add it that artists around the world are using lights to project the word “shithole” onto facades of _____ hotels.

Loving it!

In good news … the chances of _____ facing impeachment are going up with the idea that the Democrats will take back the House this year.

A House Democratic takeover is now highly likely. It would take a flip of just 24 seats for Democrats to take over, and the average loss for the president’s party in his first midterm is about 32 seats; but rumor has it the GOP could lose upwards of 40 seats.

But, and pay attention, this won’t happen unless you register and vote, and get your friends to register and vote.

Send the Fat Bastard packing.

In Stupid News … Paul Ryan—see what I did there—stood on his tippy-toes to announce that in just 20 days, Americans have seen more than 2 million workers getting raises and bonuses.

He forgot to mention that in 20 days, many corporations announced layoffs of employees:

Carrier fired 215 workers

Walmart laid off more than 3,000 workers

Sam’s closed 63 stores, laying off 9,000 people GE laid off 12,00

AT&T 1,300 workers

Tenet Healthcare 2,000 employees laid off

Pfizer 300

Wells Fargo will close 800 branches by 2020

Lyin’ Paul Ryan forgot to mention that.

In more Stupid News … when racist white supremacists Joe Arpaio accepted a pardon from _____ after his conviction for violating a court order, he didn’t realize that by accepting the pardon meant that he admitted the wrongdoing, because, why accept a pardon over something you didn’t do?

When MSNBC’s Ari Melber broke the news to Arpaio, who recently announced his candidacy for United States Senate, Arpaio insisted he did nothing wrong, only for Melber to inform him that he’s already said otherwise.

Asshat.

Last week figure skater Adam Rippon because the first openly gay male athlete to qualify for the Winter Olympics, but now another out gay man is joining him, though he’s competing for Canada.

Eric Radford—who publicly came out in 2014—says he was teased mercilessly as a child, not only because figure skating was considered “gay” but because he had a lisp. Still, he says that being gay in figure skating pairs had its advantages:

 “A lot of pairs end up dating one another. It can become risky because your on-ice training can be affected by your off-ice relationship. If you have a fight at home, it makes that training difficult. I used to joke around that I’m the ultimate pair-boy. I never had to worry about developing an off-ice relationship.”

Radford and his boyfriend had been together four years, are raising a daughter together and now they’re engaged.

Congrats on all fronts!

More Shithole News … a Zambia tourism website appears to have been inspired by _____’s racism and has launched that ad inviting tourists to:

"Visit shithole Zambia ... Where the only stars and stripes you'll have to see are in the sky and on a zebra." 

Suh-nap!

Okay … Hot men.

We had a trifecta of them when we watched The Girl on the Train, a murder mystery that was not so mysterious as I figured out the ending about a third of the way through.

Yet that did not keep me from enjoying the sights of Luke Evans, and his beautiful rear-end—and it doesn’t hurt that Evans is openly gay—along with the always steamy Justin Theroux and new crush Edgar Ramirez. There were women in the movie, too, I mean, the girl on the train, but it was these three that captured my attention.

Just sayin’

The Funny Papers

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