Why Is It ...

… that I haven’t been able to teach my body that the fight or flight response is supposed to be for life or death situations, and not answering an email.

… that whenever I see two people arguing online I believe whoever spells correctly.

… that blocking someone on social media isn’t enough; I want them to have lice.

… that every so often I burn sage in the house and then I pass out because I’m the negative energy

… that when life gives me lemons I just eat them whole; I choke that lemon down … skin, pulp, pith, seeds, and all. And I don’t break eye contact with the lemon. I figure life will stop being a bitch if I show it that I am done fucking around.

… that no one seems to be aware that, for me, the lack of coffee may cause memory loss and sometimes memory loss.

… that it took me this long to realize I have just Three Moods: What the Fuck? Are you Fucking kidding me? And Fuck this.

… that those who like my social media posts are happier, more intelligent and better looking than those who don’t … according to a study I made up in my head.

… that being human is sometimes so miserable that I’d rather be a baby hippo who is allowed to bite everyone.

Bobservations

Carlos doesn’t like kids; he says they’re loud and dirty and obnoxious and the only thing he likes about them is when I am asked if I like children and I say:

“Yes. Deep-fried with a side of Ranch dressing.”

But I digress. Carlos was set to translate at the courthouse here in Camden and I dropped him off on my way to work. He knows the building very well and finds his way around with ease. The courts were slightly back up so he sat on a bench in the hallway waiting for the lawyer and client to be called for their hearing.

As he sat there, two screaming girls were running amok in the hallway and finally their mother put the kibosh on the shenanigans. So, they walked to the bench where Carlos sat and began talking to him:

“What is that?”

“My cane.”

“What’s it for?”

“It helps me get around because I can’t see.”

“You can’t see?”

“Nope.”

And that started a long game of how many fingers am I holding up, until one girl asked him how he got to the courthouse:

“Did you drive?”

“No, someone dropped me off.”

“How did you get up here.”

And he talked about counting steps and listening to the sounds in the hallways to find the elevators and the stairs and the courtroom doors, and those little girls sat with him and questioned him and studied him and chatted with him learned a little something from him about being differently abled.

I said:

“See you do like kids.”

“No I don’t.”

“You do because I would have asked to have them fried and served with Ranch.”

And I wasn’t wrong. But he is far sweeter and more patient with kids than he likes to let on.

He’s really a sweetheart.

This Tuxedo Says is from July 2020:

"Tuxedo has been trying to explain the asshattery of All Lives Matter on Facebook for weeks now … this time he chose a direct route."

And we can continue to do that every day since then, y’all.

Right before other state lawmakers were set to be sworn in, Texas Democrat Representative Venton Jones asked his boyfriend, Gregory Scott Jr., to marry him:

“In a time when our love and our very existence are challenged, often in the halls of this very building, this moment is a reminder that love conquers all. Gregory and I stand as proof that progress is unstoppable, and no amount of hate can erase the truth of who we are.”

In Texas, y’all; in the statehouse!

Of note, the Democrats gave us our first African American President and our first African American Vice President.

Republicans gave us our first Convicted Felon President.

See, there is a difference.

Last week on Jeopardy, journalist and hottie Drew Goins showed up to the competition in a sweater that gave us well-rounded pecs and nipples to gawk at.

PS He won.

South Carolina’s Nancy Mace descended even further into madness this week after Democrat Representative Jasmine Crockett called her a child:

“I am no child! Do not call me a child. I am no child. Don’t even start, I am a grown woman, 47 years old.”

And then Nancy Mace, a grown woman, not a child, asked Crockett if she wanted to “take it outside.”

Doesn’t get more childish, Nancy.

As The Felon prepares to return to the White House, Amazon has cut commitments protecting Black and LGBTQ+ people. Statements that said Amazon supported the rights of transgender people and LGBTQ+ and Black employees disappeared from a company webpage in December.

So, if you’re trans, Black or Gay, Amazon has clearly stated they don’t give a fuck about you and if you still want to shop there because it’s easy peasy, then maybe you don’t give a fuck about equality either.

When I heard that Carrie Underwood was going to perform at The Felon’s inauguration, my first thought was to boycott her music and then I realized I have been boycotting her music since she first started singing.

PS The flag is not meant to be worn as a tank top, hon; that’s not patriotism.

During a confirmation hearing for defense secretary nominee, alcoholic, homophobe, sexual predator and misogynist Pete Hegseth, GOP Senator Eric Schmitt complained about Wokeness in the military. while sitting in front of a sign that misspelled the word “military.”

You cannot make this shiz up.

Matthew Djordjevic is a model from Australia and is repped by Ford Models, Kult Models, and FiveTwenty Model Management but all I need know is, Would You Hit It?

Why Is It ...

… that when I was at the doctor’s recently the nurse asked me to step on the scale; I was told there’d be no fact checking.

… that at my age getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.

… that people don’t realize that not only am I not a perfect person and I am also not trying to be a better person.

… that I may look normal,  but I talk to myself and then laugh afterwards.

…  that when I see people arguing online I automatically believe whomever is spelling correctly and using proper grammar.

… that the way I stay indoors makes me feel like I’m becoming furniture.

… that I don’t like when people ask what I did over the weekend. I don’t know! I breathed a lot. Probably got mad a bit. Sighed heavily. The list goes on.

… that while I have a really good heart and I also have a smart mouth and I’m a little bit mean.

… that nobody is busier than me when I am not interested in you …  “Let me close the fridge and I’ll call you back.”

… that when I tell Alexa to remind me to go to the gym, she says, ‘I have added gin to your shopping list’ and I think, ‘Close enough.’

Why Is It ...

… that when someone asks me if I’m ‘okay,’ I say, ‘Absolutely not, but I’m funny.’

… that I hate getting mad? Is it because it takes me two-and-a-half-years to calm down?

… that no one understands I am only social on Facebook; do not come bothering me in real life.

… that I want to live my life to the fullest, but I also want to be in bed by 9?

… that I understand being a responsible adult, but every day … every … single … day … seems a little excessive.

… that no one realizes that I am that age where I won’t make eye contact with someone because they look like a talker?

… that even though my work week finishes up by Friday, in reality I’ve emotionally given up by Wednesday?

… that if you want to make a moron’s head explode, all you have to do is ask them to spell ‘there.’ And when they ask you to use it in a sentence, say, ‘Their car is parked over there and they’re late.’

Bobservations

We are headed out West next month to see my dad and this week Carlos was on the phone making flight reservations. We have some AMEX miles we wanted to use and so he was dealing with one of their representatives. She reeled off several flight out options, and we picked one; then she did the same for the return. She asked how many tickets, we said ‘two,’ and she said:

“It comes to $687 before the miles and will be $459 with the miles.”

Carlos shrieked one of his Howler Monkey Shrieks™ until the woman said:

“You know that’s for both tickets, right??

“Both? Roundtrip? Both”

“Yes sir.”

Carlos’ voice dropped several decibels to a more human level and he said:

“Sounds fair. Let’s go ahead and book that then.”

Nice save. Not.

Tuxedo has zero fucks to give to this anti-women woman who does the bidding of old white men.

There are sure a lot of books coming out, and more to come, written by people who worked in the White House for Thing 45. And they want y’all to know that they were there, watching all this chaos and lunacy and criminal behavior unfold.

I, however, would like y’all to remember that they were there and saw it all and did nothing about it except wait and author a book and make money off the story of this country teetering on the edge of anarchy.

Fuck ‘em.

My father and brother have been going round and round about COVID and the vaccine. My father is a retired science and chemistry teacher and masks and social distanced and got the vaccine, while my brother is an anti-government-COVID-is-a-hoax-tool who, sad to say, might have gone to the insurrection, but is too cheap to travel cross-country.

My dad has told my brother that he cannot visit unless he comes with a recent negative COVID test and wears a mask whenever he’s around my dad. My brother won’t be visiting any time soon because …

… my brother, sister-in-law, and niece all have COVID.

Oy, the hoax of it all.

I was commenting on a blog the other day and used the word scrubdown [sic]. Now, Duchess Deedles loves to needle me about my misspelled words that Spell Check doesn’t catch, but I will say I often write ‘scrub down’ as ‘scrubdown’ because I use it like this: ‘a Silkwood Scrubdown™.’

But when commenting on the blog I wasn’t using it like that and as I Spell Checked my comment, the suggestion was made that perhaps I meant ‘SC rub down.’ I have lived in South Carolina 14 years now and have never heard of an ‘SC rub down,’ but now I am both curious and on the prowl.

I don’t watch The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City because even I don’t like that much trash, but after watching E! covering the Met Gala, RHoSLC came on and I was writing about the fashions I’d just seen so I didn’t change the channel.

I looked up in time to see the daughter of one of the "wives” ... who came to this country from Vietnam ... playing piano rather brilliantly, and then talking about how school was very important to her, and uttering the best line I’d heard in a long time when she was asked if she was a straight-A student:

“Well, I am Asian, I’m not B-sian.”

I.Died.

I wanna be her when I grow up,

It boggles my mind that parents will crash a schoolboard meeting to protest their children wearing masks in public, but never once crashed a schoolboard meeting to question guns and gun control and school shootings.

They don’t wanna protect their kids from a virus and yet they want to have active shooter drills because guns in schools happens.

I saw this on BosGuy Twitter  …

I’m not saying the new husband’s a homo, I’m just sayin’ he likes a man in a speedo walking out of the surf more than his new bride.

That’s all.

One thing to take away from the California recall election, which failed by a margin of 68% to 32%.

So, what does this mean? Simple, when Democrats show up to vote, Democrats win. We outnumber Republicans, but you have to get you asses to the voting booths every single election where you can vote. It’s like I always say:

CAST A GODDAMNED VOTE!

In this week’s episode of Would You Hit It, I give you male model Rafael Miller. He’s from France and became a fitness trainer to get himself in shape and then turned to modeling. He also, as you can see below, likes to do the one leg long, one leg short style of dressing that Mitchell often features on his blog, Moving With Mitchell.

So … Would you hit it?

Tuesday Thought #1

I Always Knew He Had The Temperment Of A Toddler, But There's This, Too: _____ Can't Spell

Last Saturday, China seized an underwater surveillance drone from the U.S. Navy in the South China Sea and because President-elect _____ had already been fed and changed and put down for the night, he decided to Tweet this:

Um, it’s an “unprecedented act” even though it’s not— in 2009 five Chinese ships swarmed an American surveillance vessel and came as close as 25 feet—but  that doesn’t matter much when the Twit-In-Chief can’t spell.

What does matter is the slew of high-larious Tweets over a President who cannot spell; a president who, just last week actually uttered the line, “I am, like, a smart person.”

Like? Like?

The Tweet was quickly deleted by _____ but not before the internet seized it via screen shots and it was the gaffe and laugh heard round the world! Even the Merriam-Webster dictionary’s account couldn’t help laugh at _____:

Now, the hard question is, is he incapable of spelling, or ... was there some other heinous act, some other sure-to-be disastrous cabinet appointment, he was trying to take the light away from?

Ponder that while perusing some of the responses to our “unpresidented” president-elect:

And let’s end with my favorite; another _____ Tweet after China said they would return the drone:

Putin might be rethinking that whole Get _____ Elected hack business.

Merriam-Webster Tweet via Occupy Democrats

Tweets via NCRM

Camden "Duck" Drop

Every year the Smallville, er, Camden Rotary Club holds the Rotary Duck Drop in Kendall Park here in town.

The event — which is the dropping of Rubber Duckies into one part of Kendall Lake and following their progress to another point on the lake, with those who have chosen the winning ducks receiving prizes — also includes face-painting, children’s activities, live music, door prizes and a chance to win an iPad, iPad mini or iPad Touch. The proceeds will the Camden Rotary Club and enable members to perform various charitable acts throughout the year.

Sadly, this year our local paper, the Camden chronicle-Independent failed to proof-read the news item for the Duck drop.

Still, this sounds fun, too …. 

Random Musings

Well, it looks like I'll have to stop calling you Flori-duh; and maybe Carlos and I can get married in Key West????

So Carlos and I are hooked on TNTs Murder in the First because … Taye Diggs. Of Course, it’s also a pretty good show, but still … Taye Diggs. Anyway, we were watching it Monday night and I look over at Carlos and he’s asleep.

‘Go to bed,’ I say.

‘I was just resting my eyes,’ he says.

I give him my Wendy Williams’ Mmm hmmm and a few minutes later and he’s asleep again.

‘Go to bed,’ I say.

‘I was just resting my eyes,’ he says.

‘If you’re tired …’

‘I’m not.’

I give him my Wendy Williams’ Mmm hmmm and he’s out again.

I watch for another five minutes or so, looking over at him, head down, eyes shut, a snore on the horizon, and I kindly set the DVR to record the show, and then lean in very closely, and very sweetly, with all the love I can manage, shout into his ear:

‘GO TO BED!’

Oy. It’s hard out here for me and my sleepy man.

Christian Minard is a lesbian who was studying at Southwestern Christian University, a school affiliated with the International Pentecostal Holiness Church so you know what that means. But, one semester shy of her sports management degree, Minard married her girlfriend Kadyn Parks, and when the school learned of her same-sex marriage she was expelled.

I was aghast and angry, but then I thought again. Christian school? Pentecostal Church? And the fact that as part of her admission requirements, Minard signed a lifestyle covenant that prohibits “homosexual behavior like same-sex marriage.

Sure, it’s backwards; sure it’s wrong. But Minard signed it because this was the only school that had the degree program she wanted. And she never once challenged the requirement during her entire stay there, so my question is, wouldn’t it have been better to wait until after graduation to marry and thus avoid being expelled and having to start over at a different school? Or, if she got married to try and test the school’s rules, why not do it earlier and avoid this mess?

I’m all for fighting for our rights, but she didn’t fight for them at all until they personally affected her.

Apparently one of Fox & Friends hosts, Heather Nauert, was all confused and stuff by Illinois State University's "all-gender" bathrooms that avoid any kind of confusion for transgender and cisgender students. In fact, she was so confused, she became an eight-year-old girl again as she and her ‘friends’ snickered about it on-air.

So, they had Fox News’ Steve Doocy take to the streets with a copy of the new bathroom sign and showed it to a collection of Fox News fans to get their feedback and expected the same sort of childish nonsense the news folks displayed.

"Maybe a family restroom?"

"Restrooms for both genders."

"Transgender, that's right."

Responding to the viewer's lack of dismay, confusion, or moral outrage, host Brian Kilmeade said, Well, they're better people than us."

No kidding.

That Jesse Palmer, the college football analyst from ESPN. I might have to rethink my sports watching. That’s all. Carry on.

Well, color me shocked, but who knew that a red Speedo was a ticket to homophobic harassment and being kicked out of a water park — a place where one might expect to see a Speedo?

It seems that Jesse Colter wore his red Speedo to the Kentucky Kingdom and was told his swim attire was suitable, suitable, by one of the park's public safety officers.

But then an officer from the Louisville Metro Police ALLEGEDLY approached Colter, called him "queer" and threatened to arrest him for the crime of Speedo wearing; Jesse says the officer told him that several Public Safety Officers from the park had warned him against the Wearing of the Speedo — which seems to be untrue — but Jesse still left the park to avoid being charge with wearing a bathing suit at a water park.

Let me get this queer, though, because I imagine that police officer would have no problem with a woman wearing the tiniest of bikinis in the park, and would probably be hiding in the shrubbery rubbing one off, but a guy in a Speedo is a crime?

Only in Kentucky, though sadly, that’s probably not true either.

Look, here’s the deal: you can disagree with me on every single issue, social or political, all you want, day and night, week in, week out, but please, for the love of the Baby Jeebus, if you’re gonna carry a sign, or spray paint your message on a building, learn to effing spell!

I mean, if the "English-only" crowd is going to demand President Obama deport millions of immigrants, shouldn't they first be required to learn to spell?

Thomas Ravenel, a former Republican state treasurer in South Carolina who was convicted of drug trafficking and starred in a reality television series —  Bravo's "Southern Charm" — has filed a petition to run as an independent candidate for U.S. Senate.

Sit down, asshat.

Outgoing, though not fast enough for me, Minnesota Congressnut Michele Bachmann actually blamed those migrant children on the borders for the deaths of innocent children in Minnesota and the rape of women in her home state.

Oh, yes she did.

“Foreign nationals that have come into the United States are between 300- to 500,000 [and] my heart is broken for a female college student in Minnesota who was raped, murdered and mutilated by a foreign national who came into our country. We had a school bus full of kids in Minnesota — four children were killed on that school bus because an illegal alien driving a van went into that school bus.”

Yes, she believes that these migrant children are crossing the borders to grow up, get jobs driving buses so they can kill good American children. Or, maybe these migrant children, the boys I assume, are coming here so they can grow up and rape our womenfolk!

Gosh, I want this dingbat to run for president in 2016 because we’ll need a good long laugh while we wait for Hillary to win.

I caught a little of Lifetime’s The Witches of East End, but found it nothing at all like the fabulous American Horror Story: Coven.

But it did come with man candy, so it was fun to watch for that reason alone, though I doubt I’ll watch again.

Still, from the top: Christian Cooke, Daniel Di Tomasso, and Eric Winter. Yum.

Color Me Surprised? Not So Much ....

I was born in Mississippi.
Didn't really live there, as my Dad was in the Air Force, and we moved six months after I was born.
Now, I'm really thankful for that.