I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Apparently, actor Mark Webber was fired from an ABC pilot before it even aired, and he thinks it’s because the executives did not find him handsome enough.

Seriously? ABC, home of John Goodman and Tim Allen is suddenly the arbiter of handsome men on TV? Bitch, please. And yet the fact remains that when ABC’s Untitled Colbie Smulders pilot—formally Stumptown—was the network’s first new drama series picked up, Webber’s name was nowhere in the cast list. And so naturally, Mark Webber too to Twitter:

“Look, I’m a straight white male so I know my journey has been way less painful in this warped industry, but I’m being recast in a network television show because I’m not handsome enough for the executives. … I’m so curious how they’re going to frame this in their upfront announcement. What the spin will be? Probably none as I’ve already been deemed insignificant by them. The way I was treated was so degrading. These ‘executive’ decisions are why network tv is dying. The way this industry has contributed to women hating their bodies is just ONE of the many things I’ve abhorred for so long. I know a lot of us men generally stay silent with our challenges in this arena.”

Wait, so you hate network TV, and you think it's dying and you feel network TV is degrading, but you’re pissy because network TV kicked you to the curb? You need to settle, Mark; settle down. But he didn’t; instead he continued:

“I was raised by a single teenage mom. We were poor. We were homeless. We lived in the streets. She became a radical revolutionary leader. I give zero fucks what filthy rich executives at huge corporations think about me. Never have. Never will. I feel sad that by expressing my own bad experience with the show I was fired from, that it could interfere with the positive experience the actors & creatives that are still on the show should be having. I wish the writers, producers and cast nothing but love.”

And what do you wish for network TV executives who will see this childish woe-is-me rant and scratch your name off their list of prospective actors?

Get back to Starbucks quickly, Mark, your job may still be open.

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Even better at trying to make sure she doesn’t work again is one Constance Wu, from TV’s Fresh Off the Boat and the movie Crazy Rich Asians. Wu is none-too-happy about that her show was picked up for a new season because she was hoping it would die so she could embark on a glorious film career, but ABC put the kibosh on that when they renewed the show, forcing Wu—who makes 300K a year from TV—to also take to Twitter to rage about still having a TV job:

“So upset right now that I’m literally crying. Ugh. F–k .” 

And when someone congratulated her on the renewal by saying it was “great news,” she replied:

“No, it’s not.”

Poor Constance; she’s got a job on TV making thousands of dollars a week and was in one of the biggest films of the year, but she wants us all to feel her pain at having to go back to TV. Luckily, perhaps in the nick of time, her publicist sat her down and told her she was inches away from destroying her career because now Wu is trying a different spin:

“That was not a rampage, it was just how I normally talk. I say f–k a lot. I love the word. Y’all are making a lot of assumptions about what I was saying. And no, it’s not what it’s about. No it’s not … what this is all about. Stop assuming. Todays tweets were on the heels of rough day&were ill timed w/the news of the show. Plz know, Im so grateful for FOTB renewal. I love the cast&crew. Im proud to be a part of it. For all the fans support, thank u & for all who support my casual use of the word f-ck-thank u too.” 

Nice try Constance, but … “So upset right now that I’m literally crying. Ugh. F–k” ... doesn’t sound like anything other than you being pissy at going back to star in a TV show making nearly half-a-million a year, rather than be an adult and see if you can work this out and still be allowed to work in film.

Maybe you and Mark will get hired to do PSAs for acne creams or suppositories.

At least until you both grow up.

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It used to be that Steve Harvey was everywhere you looked on television. Now? Not so much.

He’s been “let go” from two different jobs this week. First, it was announced that Steve would no longer be doing Little Big Shots because next season Melissa McCarthy will be the host.

Then came word that he’d been axed from his own talk show because they’re changing the name of it to The Kelly Clarkson Show and so Kelly Clarkson will be hosting that one.

Too bad he wasn’t quick enough to change his name to either Kelly McCarthy or Melissa Clarkson, cuz he might have kept both those gigs.

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Paris Hilton was on Watch What Happens Live! This week and is still trying to make herself relevant by reigniting her decades-old feud with Lindsay Lohan.

Paris had made it clear to interviewers that she never wants her name spoken in the same sentence as Lohan, and so Andy Cohen–being a big old drama queen–asked Paris to say three nice things about Lohan and she couldn’t come up with one, except to say:

“…She’s… beyond… lame and embarrassing.”

How funny that Paris Hilton is calling anyone embarrassing since the last time she was in the news was when she was going Full Lohan trying to get her engagement ring back from an ex-fiancé because she paid for it herself. Now that’s embarrassing.

Lindsay, of course, heard the news and had a source—possibly Dina after she’d soaked her head in a box of chardonnay—say that Lohan has not been in contact with Hilton in some time and doesn’t understand why the heiress continues to talk about her publicly. She feels Paris is a little obsessed with her and it’s becoming a thing.

An embarrassing thing.

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When we last left Constance Wu, she was trashing her TV show job because, after starring in one hit movie, as part of an ensemble, she thinks she’s a movie star. Trouble is she’s acting like a spoiled self-entitled movie star.

Apparently, Constance is a diva, and so much of a diva on the set of her new film Hustlers that she’s making her co-star, the diva of all divas, Jennifer Lopez, seem positively normal. In fact, a source from the set, and it’s either JLo or Cardi B, says:

“[Wu] is a pain in the fucking ass. She just won’t agree to do anything. She refuses to do interviews; she won’t have visitors on her sets. It’s like a cliché. She is very talented–but all signs are pointing to a difficult diva.”

And now, either though ABC President Karey Burke says the cast and crew of Fresh Off the Boat love Constance and have no plans to replace her, a source there claims Constance is the “most hated person on set.” They add that she’s rude to everybody, but mostly the crew.

In fact, they compare her to Katherine Heigl, and we all know how fabulous her career turned out to be; she’s on basic cable.

Now, I like a diva, especially one that makes JLo seem sweet and innocent, but Wu is about to Diva herself out of all jobs in Hollywood; well, unless she gets a job driving one of those buses that takes you by the movie star’s homes.

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When Ben Affleck announced he was no longer going to be Batman because the public shouted, “Please Ben! You’re not Batman! Stop!” we all thought big old hunk of beef, and My-Husband-In-My-Head, Armie Hammer was the new caped crusader.

Well, that’s not true, because it looks like Twilight star Robert Pattinson will mutter and pout his way into the cowl.

Seriously? That pale little waif of a man instead of Hammer? How’s he gonna get that gelled hair up in that mask?

Damn. I so wanted to be Missus Batman.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I’ve always liked actor Liam Neeson after seeing him as the deaf, mute war veteran in Suspect. But who knew that it might have been best for Neeson to be, well, mute in real life?

Neeson is promoting Cold Pursuit in which he plays a man who goes on a killing spree after someone close to him is killed or hurt or kidnapped; in other words, it’s like another Taken movie. But while talking with The Independent about the film Neeson shared a terrible story about how, when he was much younger, he spent days hunting for any black man to hurt or maim or kill … seriously. It began when a close friend told him that she’d been raped by a black man and that sent Neeson off:

“I asked, did she know who it was? No. What color were they? She said it was a black person. I went up and down areas with a cosh [a heavy metal bar], hoping I’d be approached by somebody – I’m ashamed to say that – and I did it for maybe a week, hoping some  ‘black bastard’ would come out of a pub and have a go at me about something, you know? So that I could kill him.”

Yes. He did say that because a friend of his was raped by a black man that he wanted to kill any black man that crossed his path. Seriously … mute would have been better than admitting you were on same racist hunt for any black man to kill.

Someone should tell Neeson when it’s best to stop talking because his promotional tour has become less about the film and more about his admission of racism.

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I’m’a just say it … Mo’Nique is a hot mess. She’s raised the roof over the way she thinks she was badly treated by everyone from Oprah to Tyler Perry to Lee Daniels; she thinks Netflix should be boycotted because they didn’t pay her as much as they paid Amy Schumer for a comedy special; while on The View she tussled with Whoopi Goldberg and then began calling Goldberg “the help” in a subsequent interviews; and now even Steve Harvey isn’t safe.

While appearing on Harvey’s chat show, Mo’Nique ALLEGEDLY got so irritated by Harvey that she threatened to hit him when he told her that she needed to publicly apologize to Whoopi and that’s when she threatened to hit him, and Steve said if she did that, her husband better come out onstage so they could square off.

Mo’Nique? You’re funny and talented, but you’re really angry. Switch to decaf, girl, because one day the punches will be coming at you.

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NeNe Leakes of Real Housewives of Atlanta has an ego as big as her veneers because she’s now saying that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Lisa Vanderpump stole PUMP restaurant from her.

Seriously. NeNe went on Jenny McCarthy’s SiriusXM show to accuse Vanderpump of theft though she couldn’t remember her name and started off calling her Lisa Rinna:

“You know I actually said the wrong name. … I meant Lisa Vanderpump. I did not mean to say Lisa Rinna. She knows that we have a little something, something she did to me. I’ve never really addressed it. … She did some real foul shit to me.”

NeNe says she was debating buying the space in West Hollywood that is now PUMP and opening a bar and even consulted restauranteur Vanderpump about it:

“At the time, Greg [Leakes] and I were living in [LA] and I was working on Glee and New Normal. We ride down that West Hollywood area where all the gay bars are—and I have a large gay fanbase—and I kept thinking, ‘It would be so cool if I had a bar right in here somewhere.’ And that space was empty and kind of raggedy-looking and torn down.”

Nene then spoke to Vanderpump about the idea of a bar and says Lisa convinced her not to do it, and then swooped in and bought the place herself.

Right, NeNe, I believe you …especially since PUMP opened almost five years ago and you’re only yapping now. And what might you have called it?  Because I’d rather hang at a gay bar called PUMP than one called LEAKES.

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In what I first thought was an epic joke, I’ve now learned that Tyra “Fivehead” Banks wants to open a theme park called … wait for it … Modelland in the Santa Monica Place shopping mall. Opening this year, the 21,000-square-foot space will be a “fantasy version of the modelling world” and will let visitors “be the dream version of themselves.”

For the love of Balenciaga, it isn’t a joke. And it will crash and burn faster than a Kanye West fashion show.

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Cindy McCain, the widow John McCain, has been a wealthy entitled heiress all her life. The bulk of the McCains’ wealth was always from Cindy’s family. Cindy has a daughter, Bridget, whom she adopted from Bangladesh.

Keep that in mind … in a radio interview on KTAR Cindy claimed she singlehandedly stopped a human trafficking incident at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport:

“I came in from a trip I’d been on and I spotted—it looked odd—it was a woman of a different ethnicity than the child, this little toddler she had, and something didn’t click with me. I went over to the police and told them what I saw, and they went over and questioned her, and, by God, she was trafficking that kid.”

McCain also said the woman was waiting for the man who bought the child to arrive from his flight, but Phoenix police say that, while officers did respond to Cindy’s call, there was no evidence of criminal conduct or child endangerment.

So, Cindy McCain sees a … and I’m guessing here … a brown woman with a white child … or even vice versa … and instantly calls the police? Cindy McCain, a white woman with a Bangladeshi daughter, called the police on a mother and child for merely existing.

Perhaps she and Liam Neeson should hook up and make the world safe from brown people.

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I thought NeNe’s story was the height of incredulity and then Tyra swooped in with Modelland. But neither one compares to this story …at the Grammys this Sunday Jennifer Lopez will be performing a tribute to … wait for it … it’s epic … Motown, the legendary record label celebrating its 60th anniversary this year.

I guess all those artists who were, or are, part of the Motown family, were unable to attend? Or maybe JLo wriggled her fat ass in the front of the line. More ironic is that Diana Ross will be performing at the Grammys as well, but not as part of the Motown tribute.

Seriously.

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Last week Michael Bolton was doing a live TV interview with Australia’s The Morning Show to talk about the release of a new album of hits which have been rearranged with an orchestra and it appeared to the viewers and to hosts Kylie Gillies and Larry Emdur that he had fallen asleep.

No surprise there, his music has also made me slip into a coma.

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It's Snarkurday!

By now you’ve all heard Johnny Depp and his sexually fluid wife, and dog smuggler, Amber Heard have called it quits after fifteen not-so-blissful months of marriage. But the story is never that simple and while we don’t know what actually happened between them, we do have snippets of stories from both sides of the split …

Was it because of Johnny’s special brand of crazy? His obvious, though ALLEGED, drink and drug abuse? The fact that he seldom seemed like he bathed? Who knows … maybe it’s because, as Amber now says, he was abusive. But then we have Johnny … and his team’s side of the story:

“Given the brevity of this marriage and the most recent and tragic loss of his mother, Johnny will not respond to any of the salacious false stories, gossip, misinformation and lies about his personal life. Hopefully the dissolution of this short marriage will be resolved quickly.”

Doubtful it’ll be resolved as quickly as the marriage fizzled because it just gets uglier.

Heard originally filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences, but that charge quickly changed to accusing Depp of Naomi Campbell-ing her with an iPhone; Amber then went for a restraining order against Johnny claiming the assault was “not an isolated incident” and submitted a photo that shows her with a bruise on her right eye. So, the restraining order was granted, though her request for attorney’s fees and spousal support was denied, as was her request that the restraining order be extended to one of their dogs … yes, to a dog.

Team Depp says LAPD sources told them that Amber “had no evidence of any injuries when [they] came to her home” and that Amber did not tell police Johnny hit her with his iPhone; she’d only called about a verbal argument. Team Depp says “Amber is lying … making up the domestic violence story” and they point to an Instagram photo taken the day after the ALLEGED iPhone Incident, of Amber partying happily with friends.

Still, along with the release of the restraining order came stories of two other ALLEGED incidents of abuse, each a month apart: the first, on April 21, when Depp showed up to a party at their home “inebriated and high” and began an argument that ended when he hurled a magnum bottle of champagne at the wall.

Then, on May 21, Heard says she was chatting with two friends when Depp came home and as the friends spoke about the recent passing of Depp’s mother, Johnny became “extremely angry.” In attempt to defuse the situation, Heard called a friend of Depp’s but he “ripped the cell phone from my hand and began screaming profanities and insults at [the friend]. I heard [the friend] yell at me to get out of the house. Johnny then grabbed the cellphone, wound up his arm like a baseball pitcher and threw the cellphone at me striking my cheek and eye with great force.” When a neighbor entered the apartment, Depp left, “smashing everything he could” with a wine bottle. The neighbor submitted a declaration stating that “many times over the past few years [though Heard and Depp were together barely more than one year] Amber has confided and complained to me about Johnny’s abusing her, both physically and verbally.”

And there were witnesses to this last attack; the friends, Raquel Pennington, her fiancé, Joshua, and Elizabeth Marz, saw the ALLEGED assault, as did Johnny’s security team, who came in halfway through the altercation but did nothing to stop him.

But, and this is where it gets kinda fishy in the ‘I Want A Payday’ kind of way: Amber tried to settle out of court through the lawyer who stated that “although Amber had been attacked and remained in fear for her safety, given the notoriety of both parties and the high likelihood of press harassment, Amber would prefer to settle the matter amicably out of court.” But Johnny told the court that “Amber is attempting to secure a premature financial resolution by alleging abuse. Her current application for a temporary restraining order, along with her financial requests, appear to be in response to the negative media attention she received earlier this week after filing for divorce.”

And, in fact, Amber’s statement reads “Although Johnny is extremely wealthy, he refuses to provide me with any direct financial support. Concurrent with this filing I am providing an Income and Expense Declaration. I am requesting $50,000 a month… spousal support based on our mutual lifestyle.”

So, maybe it is about the money? And yet Johnny makes it clear he does not want to pay. 

“[As] a successful actress with significant income of her own, there is no question that Amber can support herself until the parties have had a reasonable amount of time to assess their finances with the assistance of counsel and then negotiate a mutually agreeable resolution or seek regularly-noticed court orders.”

Team Depp also claims Amber is a party girl who repeatedly got “too close” to her female friends — Amber has called herself bisexual in the past — and Depp claims she was cheating on his with Cara Delevingne, who worked with Amber  in 2014. Depp claims they partied together and flaunted their relationship in front of him.

As for now, it appears that maybe money was the motive behind all this public squabbling because rumor has it that Amber is close to settling for about $20 million dollars — about $1.3 million for each month she and Depp were hitched.’

But maybe she won’t sign, because the couple did not have a prenup, so Heard benefits from California law, which guarantees her a minimum of one half of however much their combined worth increased during their 15 months together and Johnny pocketed well over 100 million during the run of their relationship.

So, maybe $20 million is a good payoff?

It appears that Jennifer Garner still wants Ben Affleck’s heart, but it also appears that Ben Affleck’s dick might not be ready to come home.

A Miami Uber driver claims he picked up Ben Affleck and a young blonde woman on Sunday and he was taking them The Standard hotel to the Miami International Airport. Now, one would think Ben Affleck + Blond + Miami = Happy Ben but, according to the Uber driver, Ben was “surly” and it was obvious the two had been arguing.

So, was it Ben? Well, a source at The Standard Hotel confirms Affleck was there, but that he was using an alias and his visit was “very on the down low.”

With a Blond? In an Uber?

Scarcely a month after being released early from jail for good behavior, Saved By The Bell’s Screech, AKA Dustin Diamond, is behind bars again. 

Wha’ happened … you say? Well, it appears Diamond was arrested in Wisconsin after violating the terms of his parole. An official wouldn’t say how he violated the terms, but he did confirm that Screech was back in custody.

Screech was originally put away for pulling a switchblade on a guy in a bar and stabbing him, so maybe he was busted standing in front of a bar with a switchblade? Or maybe he was busted because he’s still trying to capitalize on being Screech from Saved By The Bell?

I do love snark, but I especially love the ‘this is so stupid that it fails to measure up to snark but I’ll read it anyway’ kind of snark.

The Enquirer is claiming that Julia Roberts and George Clooney — who are appearing in Money Monster  as we speak — are having an affair and that George’s wife Amal is none too pleased. And The Enquirer has a picture of what they are calling “the kiss that destroyed both their marriages” on the cover … except the picture is a photo still of George and Julia from Ocean’s Eleven.

But hey, if the rumor and that old picture sell a few extra tickets to Money Monster — and I hear it needs the coins — then George and Julia will endure the stupid snark.

Steve Harvey tries to play himself as the funny everyman on TV, between his chat show and his game-show and his cringe-inducing turn as host of the Miss Universe pageant.

But Steve is cold and calculating. Ask his ex-wife, Mary Harvey, who recorded a series of YouTube videos back in 2011 detailing the fact that Harvey cheated on her and then scammed her in their divorce, taking custody of their then eight-year-old son and evicting her from the home where they lived. In fact, Steve convinced Mary to use his lawyer in the divorce, and so he only had to fork over a few coins, rather than half his coins even though Mary was the person who was with Steve when he was homeless, living out of his car going to comedy gigs. She supported him during that time and made his career possible.

And now Steve is all over People Magazine claiming he has “no fairy godmother or anonymous benefactor, just integrity, ingenuity and success” I kinda beg to differ.

Oh, and in addition to Steve rewriting history and completely leaving Mary out of the story about how he managed to have a career at all, People writes glowingly of Steve’s current, and third, wife, Marjorie, while completely omitting the fact that Steve was married to Mary when he began dipping his Harvey into Marjorie.

Once a pig …

Last week I posted about Steve Stanulis, the ex-bodyguard for Kanye West who spilled the tea about Kanye’s childish ways and diva like tantrums and now Kanye is extracting revenge.

Well, now Kim and Kanye Kardastrophe are threatening a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Stanulis for opening his yap after having had the glory and pleasure of babysitting Kanye and changing his diapers when need be.

Kanye is publicly calling Stanulis a “parasitic maniac” — maniac? Pot.Kettle … yada yada yada — and a spokesman for Kim and Kanye — and you know it’s That Woman—says:

“The West Family will no longer tolerate the spreading and selling of fake stories in an desperate, transparent and shameless attempt for publicity at their expense. This sad, parasitic maniac has violated every basic human tent [sic] of decency with his story of lies. As such, the Wests will explore all legal means at their disposal to silence this nonsense.”

Funny, because I would hope Kanye would have to proof he isn’t a tantrum-prone child and so I can just imagine a judge demanding West give a demonstration on how to press an elevator button.

Cue epic courtroom meltdown.

Karma is a bitch, and sometimes, well, all the time, she gets the last laugh.

Robin Wright, of house of Cards, was once married to Sean Penn and apparently there is no love lost between the two since their divorce.

And that might have something to do with the fact that Robin had been trying to develop a film called The Last Face for years as sort of a passion project. She’s hoped to cast herself and Ryan Gosling and Javier Bardem in the film but she couldn’t secure the financing for it, so she shelved the project.

Then, after Sean and Robin split up in 2010, Penn went ahead and obtained the rights to The Last Face and even cast Javier Bardem in it and last month it premiered at Cannes … to horrid reviews.

And Robin Wright is loving all the bad reviews, according to a source:

“Robin is thrilled the movie bombed. She has too much class to say so publicly, but this was her baby.”

Like I said, karma is a bitch, or sometimes it’s just your ex-wife who’s happy you screwed yourself after stealing her script.

PS Robin just secured herself a huge raise for appearing in House of Cards so, yeah, there’s that, too.

John Carney, the director of Once, is out there pushing his new movie Sing Street and has decided that the best way to promote this new film is to bash an actress who worked with him in one of his old films.

Huh? Carney is spilling the beans about how much he hated working with Keira Knightley on Begin Again and says he will never cast a “supermodel” like her again.

Begin Again starred Knightley as a singer-songwriter who gets discovered by a once-successful record executive played by Mark Ruffalo. Adam Levine is also in it … playing Adam Levine, i.e. smug, smarmy overly tattooed singer. Every so often I see it listed on the DVR and it sounds interesting until I see the name Adam Levine, as an actor, he’s a better singer and he’s a horrible singer.

Anyway, back to John Carney who thinks that it was Knightley who ruined his film and he is taking this latest round of press as an opportunity to tell you so:

“Well, [Sing Street is] fantastic. I’m very surprised; it’s a small personal movie with no Keira Knightleys in it. It’s really rewarding.”

Ow. But John brings up Keira again in the interview by calling her a “supermodel movie star” who arrived with baggage and a huge entourage and the paparazzi:

“I like working with actors and I wanted to come back to what I knew and enjoy film-making again — not that I didn’t enjoy Begin Again but Keira has an entourage that follow her everywhere so it’s very hard to get any real work done … I think the real problem was that Keira wasn’t a singer and wasn’t a guitar player and it’s very hard to make music seem real if it’s not with musicians. And I think the audience struggled a little bit with that in Begin Again. And as much as I tried to make it work I think that she didn’t quite come out as a guitar-playing singer-songwriter. So I really wanted to work with musicians and actors that could play their instruments properly and sing and stuff like that.”

Keira couldn’t sing and play guitar, but I’m sure Carney knew that before she was hired and yet he cast her anyway. So who’s the real idiot here? It’s Carney because after ridiculing her for not being a singer and for being a supermodel actress he says:

“I don’t want to rubbish Keira, but you know it’s hard being a film actor and it requires a certain level of honesty and self-analysis that I don’t think she’s ready for yet and I certainly don’t think she was ready for on that film.”

But he thinks Adam Levine is a good actor? Like I said, who’s the real idiot here?

It's Snarkurday!

Last week we talked 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie and his refusal to spend Christmas with his mom, Madonna, but wanting to stay with his dad, Guy Ritchie, for a while. And he did, sharing the holidays with his dad and his dad’s family, including his step-mother, Jacqui Ainsley.

But the question is maybe why all of the sudden was Rocco over Madge. Maybe he’s just over her because he’s fifteen, or maybe, as rumor suggests, he and Madge had some kind falling out around Thanksgiving and that’s why he said ‘See ya’ to Mama and, ALLEGEDLY, “ran away in Stockholm” from Madge and her Rebel Heart Tour,

And then when the tour hit London the first week in December, Rocco took off for his dad’s house and hasn’t seen his mother since, which caused Madonna to go into hysterical mode and fire her fifteen-year-old son’s ‘manny’ — let’s not even talk about needing a manny for a teenager — and unleashed her attorneys on Rocco and Guy.

So … is this typical teenager and mom stuff? I mean, how many teenagers want to spend all their time with their moms? Rocco has been on tour with Madonna for at least the last six months, traveling the globe, and maybe he just wanted to go home. Or … as some say, maybe the rift started over Madonna’s habit of posting embarrassing photos of Rocco on social media like … that time she posted a slow-motion video of Rocco doing a back flip in his underwear and hashtagged it “#nosausage“.  Or the time cool mom Madonna posted a picture of Rocco boxing and again went hashtag crazy about her own son’s crotch.

For his part, Rocco used his now private Instagram to tell the world he wasn’t spending Christmas with Madonna, and then she retaliated by posting a Christmas Day picture of the two of them from August with the caption “Merry X-mas to the Sun-shine of my Life!”

At least she laid off his sausage. But, because it’s the holidays and because I’m feeling generous, here’s some advice for the sparring parent and child:

Lay off social media and have an actual conversation. Oh, and Madonna, howsabout laying off the creepy talk about your child’s crotch?? M’kay?

Wow. This is one Terrible Idea …

Rumor has it that ex-Kardastrophe Baby Daddy, and Celebrity Drunk, Scott Disick, in need of a sober companion, has taken to spending time with … wait for it … it's amazing … Girlfriend Beater, Chair Flipper, Vandal Chris Brown.

Sources — and you know it’s That Woman — claim the duo is joined at the hip in an effort to stay non-liquored up.

Yeah, I see this working out real well, or at least becoming a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes.

Blame a slow holiday gossip cycle for this one because, how is this news ....

Back to the Future is real, y’all. I mean, it must be because the big news today is that 80s heartthrob Richard Marx and 90s video vixen Daisy Fuentes have gotten married.

Looks like next we’ll be buying Mom jeans and getting our hair piled higher on our heads?

It’s the second marriage for both, since Fuentes ended her first marriage to soap man Timothy Adams from Sunset Beach, and Marx divorced Cynthia Rhodes — Penny in Dirty Dancing — after twenty-five years of marriage.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear acid wash jeans are on sale and I need someone to trim my mullet.

Poor Russell Crowe. He thinks everyone should cater only to him.

See, it’s like this: Crowe was taking his sons on a trip aboard Virgin Australia flight just after Christmas. And Virgin Australia — like nearly every other airline and airport on the planet — has banned hoverboards because they have tendency to catch on fire.

Not good for air travel, you know. But Russell, because he’s a big star — in girth, actually, now, rather than career — expected someone from Virgin to personally call him and tell him not to bring the hoverboards. And so, naturally he Tweeted his dismay:

“Ridiculous @VirginAustralia. No Segway boards as luggage? Too late to tell us at airport. Kids and I offloaded. Goodbye Virgin. Never again.”

To which Virgin replied like this:

“@russellcrowe ...hope to see you on board again soon.”

And that sent Russell fuming in outrage:

“@VirginAustralia why did you not inform me when I booked my ticket? Where is your duty of responsibility in this?”

And then this:

“@VirginAustralia I'm awaiting your reply, where is your duty of responsibility in this? Why not tell me when I am booking my ticket?”

So then Virgin said this:

“Hi Russell, this information is outlined in the Dangerous Goods section in the booking confirmation and check in reminder emails you will have received. We have also communicated this on Facebook and Twitter, as well as through the media. We understand your frustration, however please appreciate that safety is our number one priority.”

C’mon, Virgin! You expect Russell to read, and follow, the rules like a normal person? He needs a major corporation to personally contact him with whatever information he might possibly need about whatever situation he might possibly encounter while using whatever service any major corporation anywhere on the planet provides!

Sheesh, Virgin, don’t you get that?

No doubt you read about the mix-up at the Miss Universe Pageant last week, when host Steve Harvey read the wrong name and Miss Columbia was declared Miss Universe for about ninety seconds, until the matter was cleared up and Miss Philippines was awarded the title.

At first it all seemed to go over quite smoothly, with Miss Colombia, Arianda Gutierrez, smiling sweetly and congratulating Miss Philippines on Instagram, but now she’s singing a different tune: conspiracy.

Miss Colombia recently spoke with Colombia’s W radio, and isn’t playing nice now:

“It was very humiliating for me, but also for the whole country and for all the people not only from Colombia but the other Latinos that were in the auditorium.”

She says that when Harvey first uttered the Oops Heard ‘Round The World, she thought it was a joke, because in the rehearsals Harvey played around a lot and she thought he was being funny. And now she thinks the whole event was staged as a publicity stunt.

Now, I love a good conspiracy theory, so I’m 100% on board with Miss Colombia side-eyeing the big-wigs at Miss Universe pageant except … why just a ninety-second stunt? Why not give her the crown, let her take the runway walk, let her tour the world for about six months and then let Harvey say, ‘Uh oh!’? That would be more of an escándalo.

Oh, and Miss Colombia shot down another conspiracy; the one that said she would be riding this mess all the way to Vivid Entertainment where she would pocket a cool million for a Miss Universe porn film.

And somewhere, That Woman is eyeing her daughter Kim, and thinking, ‘Where I Miss Columbia’s mother? I could have made a fortune off a beauty pageant porno. Miss Columbia will never be a star now.’