Why Is It ...

… that talking to a new person isn’t exciting anymore because I realize I probably won’t even remember them in a week.

… that people don’t understand that my life would be less stressful if I had my own deserted island.

… that sometimes I find a random screw lying around my house and I just assume it’s from my life falling apart.

… that no one remembers that my phone is always in my hand so if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

… that when I tell someone “I swear on my life,” they are apt to reply, “I’ve seen your life, swear on something else.”

… that I am based on a true story.

… that when I sing, “when I think about you I touch myself,” what I really mean is I am rubbing my temples because you’re giving me a f**king migraine.

… that when I say “the other day” that could mean anytime between yesterday and my birth.

… when I think of how 2025 is going for me, I think in terms of a movie … written by Stephen King, directed by Tarantino and the music by Yoko Ono.

… that I am at that age where every morning my body whispers, ‘Don’t do that again.’

Why Is It ...

… that when I’m at home, watching the news, I think, ‘Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?’ But when I’m driving I hate every single person on the planet?

… that I like the wrinkles that occur from laughter, but call the ones between my eyebrows , the deep ones, my WTF lines?

… that my ex once said he couldn’t live without me and I just found out he’s still alive; more lies!

… that I’ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me?

… that people don’t understand that I am worth every headache I give?

… that one of my rules is that we can only be friends if you’re kind of a bitch? Not a full on bitch because that’s no fun, and if you’re not a bitch at all, I’ll scare you too much. But halfway bitches? Those are my people.

… that my personality is basically a mix between a needy five-year-old child who cannot control his emotions, a teenage rebel who makes poor life decisions, and an eighty-year-old man who just wants to nap?

… that I get easily annoyed, but I also get pre-annoyed., knowing that someone is going to piss me off?