The Funny Papers

Randy Bish, Max Espinoza, Deb Milbrath, Trevor Irvin, Gary Huck, David Horsey, Daniel Boris, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, JD Crowe, Marc Murphy, Michael de Adder

Bobservations

The other day I told Carlos I was heading to the bank after work to deposit some money into savings. He gave me a quizzical dog look and said:

“Why don’t you put it into checking and then come home and transfer it into savings on the computer?”

“Well, why put the money I want to deposit into savings into the  checking account just to drive home and get on the computer and take that money out of checking and transfer it into savings, when I can just do it all in one swoop.”

“Cuz my way is easier.”

I can’t.

This is what I called The Tuesday Tuxedo  from 2010. I love how he lay flat on his back in the windowsill getting his sun on; he looks like an Olympic luge athlete!

And the punim on that cat in that bottom photo!

An attorney ethics review panel has recommended that Rudy Giuliani be disbarred for directing Thing 45’s many failed legal challenges to the 2020 presidential election results in Pennsylvania.

Well, that would make at least one bar that doesn’t want Rudy around.

Remember how Bud Light partnered with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney and the rightwingnuts started a boycott? And remember how one of the biggest screamers was Kid Rock who posted a video of himself shooting Bud Light cans?

Well, Kid Rock is a lying MAGAt hypocrite because at his Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock ‘n’ Roll Steakhouse in Nashville Bud Light is not only still available it has always been available.

Kid Rock doesn’t care about that ad, he wants to make money.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Tommy passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning:

"I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next few months, he saw her doing this many, many times, until one day he came home from school and heard her moaning. And this time when he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Tommy raced to his room, stripped off his clothes, threw himself on the bed and started stroking himself, and moaning:

“I need a bike! I need a bike!"

I wish it was that easy.

Large Marge was recently kicked out of the ultra-conservative House Freedom Caucus but is now acting like it’s no big deal:

“I’m not really concerned about it. I don’t have time for the drama club.”

Seriously? Large Marge, the adulterous, traitorous, hate-filled bigot stunt queen has no time for drama?

Ron DeSaster was asked if he’d take the Veep spot under Thing 45 if he failed to get the presidential nod, and said he’d never be Number Two.

Funny, cuz when I think of Ron DeSaster I always think of Number Two.

The ¿Quién es más macho? battle between two spoiled billionaires, Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg, was supposed to be resolved in a cage match between these fools. But now Elon wants to back out and do something simpler:  he wants a “literal dick measuring contest”.

C’mon they’re both gigantic dicks with teeny weenies.

Alabama Senator Wingnut McCracker, er, Tommy Tuberville is doubling down on his claim white nationalists shouldn’t be labeled as “racist” while also insisting he opposes racism but maybe someone ought to read the definition of white nationalism:

“A type of racial nationalism which espouses the belief that white people are a race and seeks to develop and maintain a white racial and national identity.”

Seriously, Alabama, do better than electing racists, and really stupid racists, to office.

This is David Corenswet, American actor, and perhaps the latest movie Superman. But this isn’t about that—maybe he is a super man—but it’s: Would You Hit It?

The Funny Papers

Mike Luckovich, Clay Bennett, Walt Handelsman, RJ Matson, Adam Zyglis, Steve Sack, Nick Anderson, JD Crowe, Gary Huck, Michael de Adder, Dave Granlund, Matt Wuerker, Marc Murphy, Jack Ohman, Ed Hall,

Tuesday Thought #2

I Didn't Say It ...

Barack Obama, on _____ and this non-concession mess:

“We have gone through a presidency that disregarded a whole host of basic institutional norms—expectations we had for a president that had been observed by Republicans and Democrats previously. And maybe most importantly, and most disconcertingly, what we’ve seen is what some people call ‘truth decay,’ something that’s been accelerated by outgoing President _____, the sense that not only do we not have to tell the truth, but the truth doesn’t even matter.”

I miss the days when presidents didn’t lie … or at least they weren’t lying every single time they opened they fat Big Mac yap.

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Samuel Alito, Supreme Court Justice, attacking same-sex marriage in a hyper-partisan speech to the conservative Federalist Society:

 “You can’t say that marriage is a union between one man and one woman. Until very recently, that’s what the vast majority of Americans thought. Now it’s considered bigotry.”

No, it’s not considered bigotry because you’re allowed to think what you choose. What you cannot do, and I would have thought a Supreme Court Justice would know this, is use your so-called religion to legislate against others since this is not a single faith country. But Alito seems to want to create laws and allow discrimination based on the religious beliefs of one segment of society,

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Peter Navarro, White House Trade Adviser who has lied consistently about the pandemic and _____’s response to it, is now lying about _____ winning that election a week ago …the one he lost in both popular votes and the Electoral College vote:

“We’re moving forward here at the White House under the assumption that there will be a second _____ term. I think it’s really important before people’s heads explode here, to understand that what we seek here is verifiable ballots, certifiable ballots, and an investigation into what are growing numbers of allegations of fraud under signed affidavits by witnesses. My own view, looking at this election, we have, what appears in some sense to be, an immaculate deception.”

But, Peter, you goose-stepping lapdog, where’s the proof. Not just your flapping lips, but actual proof.

:::crickets:::

Fucking lying asshat.

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Mary T., Chris Cuomo’s CNN show to discuss her uncle’s loss, the Republicans who continue to prop him up, and why he’ll never run again:

“For the first time in his life, Donald is in a situation he cannot get out of. He’s never won anything legitimately in his life, but being on the winning side of things has always been so important to him, that he’s willing to lie, cheat, steal, use other people’s money, power, influence to get the win. That can’t happen now. So, he’s in a state of terror, he’s in a state of rage, and he’s in a state of total helplessness right now. This [GOP goose-stepping] is the awful part of this. He’s capable of anything. However, he should have been rendered completely irrelevant by now. Whether he concedes or not, it doesn’t matter. It’s up to the Republicans to say it’s over, we’re moving on. As long as they don’t do that, they continue to give him power. They continue to give him the ability to rile up his base and other people who voted for him. It’s an incredibly dangerous situation. They’re making an incredible miscalculation here here by pretending that they can control this monster that they’re unleashing upon us. [But] he never put himself in a position where he can lose like this again, first of all. Secondly, it would mean for four years that he is playing essentially a supporting role, which will be very difficult for him to sustain. And you know, most importantly, in four years he will be the same age Joe Biden is now. However, Donald is a very unhealthy person. He has a terrible diet. He doesn’t exercise. And he has, you know, psychological disorders that continue to go untreated. So, I don’t even imagine that he’ll be able to run in four years. Plus, the fact of course he may be looking at serious charges being brought against him.”

I agree with her, but it’s that last line … ‘he may be looking at serious charges being brought against him’ … I like the best.

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Mark Zuckerberg, saying Steve Bannon doesn’t deserve to be banned from Facebook after calling for the beheading of Dr. Anthony Fauci:

“We have specific rules around how many times you need to violate certain policies before we will deactivate your account completely. While the offenses here, I think, came close to crossing that line, they clearly did not cross the line.”

I was banned … I was banned …from Facebook for 24 hours for saying Americans are dumb, but Bannon gets a pass on calling for the murder of Fauci.

Fuckerberg.

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Nicholas Connors, conservative activist who worked on Lindsey Graham's 2016 presidential campaign:

"I worked for Lindsey Graham's 2016 presidential campaign as his national director of ballot access and delegates. As part of his senior staff, I spent one-on-one time with Graham advising him on different political initiatives related to getting him on every primary ballot and securing delegates for the Republican convention. I worked for him because I saw him, at the time, as a man of moral clout who was unafraid to speak his mind and who would be a good guide for the American people. Needless to say, I was wrong."

Lindsay was lost when McCain died and had no one to cling to so he went after _____ and has become his little bitch boy.

Sadly, he doesn’t see how pathetic he’s become, but I can’t wait to see him turn when _____ is finally gone.

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Jake Tapper, CNN ” State of the Union” host, mocking attempts by _____’s lawyers in those election fraud cases:

“It’s been, frankly, embarrassing. No evidence, unprofessional, desperate. Increasingly _____ campaign lawyers seem to realize being involved in fact-free desperation efforts to overturn the results of a free and fair election might not necessarily enhance their resumes. On Friday, nine cases from _____ and his allies intended to attack and undo President Biden’s victory in key states. nine cases rejected or dropped—nine. So, what now? Well, now the president of the United States is literally embracing a deranged conspiracy theory that millions of votes were changed using software. The problem here, a group of national, state, and private election officials issued a statement Thursday promoted online by the cybersecurity czar at the Department of Homeland Security with this sentence bolded: ‘There is no evidence that any voting system deleted or lost votes, changed votes, or was in any way compromised,’ unquote. The problem with Republican officeholders arguing that President _____ has his right to present his evidence in court is that the president’s efforts do not have anything to do with evidence. They have to do it with hearsay and rumor and insinuations and lies and conspiracy theories. Once these efforts have been rejected by every court, outgoing President _____ will likely continue to make them. How long is the Republican Party going to continue to defer to unhinged mendacious desperation led by the gang that couldn’t sue straight?”

Damn Jake! Nailed it.

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Bobservations

I forget sometimes that Carlos hasn’t lived in the US for his whole life and doesn’t recall some stories, some people, that have made news here. The other night we watched a movie called Driven, about the John DeLorean cocaine scandal, and John Hoffman, a small-time drug runner turned snitch for the FBI who helped take down DeLorean.

Halfway through the movie, Carlos says to me:

“Wasn’t there a car called DeLorean?”

And we were off about history and pop culture, and the fact that this was a true story, and, yes, Back to the Future, to which Carlos said:

“That was a DeLorean car?”

Sidenote: the role of DeLorean was played by out actor Lee Pace, who was hot as DeLorean, and hot in his own right.

Tuxedo has a note for ______: maybe if you hadn’t murdered 230,000+ Americans before Election Day, you might have liked the outcome better.

I missed this last week, but after Tuesday’s election, Nevada became the first state to protect same-sex marriage in its constitution, with voters approving a ballot measure by 61 to 38 percent.

Well, that’s wonderful news, too.

The _____ campaign’s is hoping to make some coins for his “Voter Fraud Ego Rallies” is not at all what it seems.

Truth be told, if you were foolish enough to vote for him, and foolish even to send him more money to fight the results, understand that at least half of any donation might actually go toward paying down debt for his campaign.

So, your coins won’t help his recount, they’ll help his bank account.

On a funnier note, you gotta love the way this Aussie newspaper handled _____’s reaction to the election.

On a sadder note … Alex Trebek passed away this week after a long battle with cancer. Jeopardy was, is, our favorite show and while the show will go on, no one will ever be Trebek.

If you didn’t really believe there was a dumb _____, ask yourselves why Eric The Dumb Tweeted that out a week after the election.

The mother of the Kenosha murderer is blaming protestors and police for her son killing two innocent people because if they hadn’t been there …

And if your son hadn’t armed himself and driven across state lines.

Shut up. Your son is a murderer.

Poor _____. It seems that about 80% of all Americans, including more than half of Republicans, recognize President-elect Joe Biden as the winner of the election.

Seriously, you’re fired. Most all of us believe and accept it.

Go.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg still has not publicly acknowledged that Biden won the election and continuously allows lies to be spread on Facebook.

Zuck off, Fuckerberg.

I’m not usually into gingers, but every so often a ginger comes along, and I go, Okur, I’m getting it now.

Prince Hot Ginger does it for me, and so does built … BUILT … ginger, Graysen Quinn. That face, that body, that ass.

That’s all.