The Funny Papers

Glenn McCoy, Randy Bish, Clay Bennett, Mike Smith, Kevin Siers, Gary Varvel, Nick Anderson, Chris Britt, Steve Sack

I Didn't Say It ...

Michael Phelps, Olympic icon, answering that question:

“I think everybody pees in the pool. I think it’s kind of a normal thing to do for swimmers. When we’re in the pool for two hours, we don’t really get out to pee, we just go whenever we are on the wall. Chlorine kills it, so it’s not bad.”

Still ...

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Susan Sarandon, still talking about not supporting Hillary Clinton in the November election:

“I don’t vote with my vagina.” 

I should hope not because that would be some magic cooch.

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Mike Pence, soon-to-be-failed vice presidential candidate, on [t]Rump’s proposed immigration ban including Christians and Jews from so-called “terrorist” countries:

“We should temporarily suspend immigration from countries that have been compromised by terrorism, which I think is altogether fitting and appropriate. When you look at the Syrian refugee program … the simple fact is that both our Homeland Security and FBI have said there are countries like Syria where people are coming in through routine means, the refugees program and otherwise and we can simply not know who they are for sure. So suspending that program from those countries, I think is in the best interest of the security of our people.”

When pushed to say that this meant the program would include Jewish and Christians citizens of those countries, Pence reiterated again the policy was based on countries where terrorism existed.

So, yeah, Muslims, Jews, Christians … stay away.

That’s so American.

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Jonathan Greer, pastor at Mt. Sterling Baptist Church in Alabama, in a sermon after being fired for allowing Black children to attend Vacation Bible School:

“There was push-back about the types of children that we were bringing in, and I was asked to not invite black children to the VBS. What they really mean is that someone can wander in off the street and they won’t stop them, but they specifically asked me, explicitly, not to invite black people. … I wanted the church to know that this is not consistent with the gospel. This is not consistent with God’s word that we honor and give dignity to all people. That’s what the Bible teaches us, and all people are worthy and in need of the gospel, and racism denies that to a certain amount of people.”

But it is kinda consistent with Alabama. Sadly.

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Donna Brazile, Democratic National Committee chairwoman, condemning Donald [t]Rump and Marco Rubio for speaking at an anti-LGBT  gathering on the two month anniversary of the Pulse nightclub mass shootings:

“Instead of honoring the memory of those we lost at Pulse two months ago, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio have come to Orlando to headline a gathering of some of the nation’s most incendiary anti-gay bigots. We at the DNC join all people of good conscience in expressing our solidarity with the Orlando LGBT community as they continue to grieve the deadliest shooting in American history. We suggest Trump and Rubio disavow these anti-gay extremists who have likened gay people to Nazis and characterized HIV/AIDS as divine ‘penalties’ for being gay. Failing to do so will be yet another example of the utter lack of judgment that makes Trump unfit to serve.”

And another reason to Vote Blue to keep the bigots and haters out of office.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of the most annoying people on the planet, and not just because she asks people to call her Love, though that’s a big part of it.

She’s annoying because she has no discernible talent, other than having ginormous breasts as a teenager on some hit TV show.

She’s annoying because she’s man-crazy, or at least she was until she got knocked up by a random dude she married.

But we’ll go back to before Knocked-Up-Married, to when she was just a stalker who sent Matt Damon a bed.

Yes, she did. And she tells the story like this:

“I was reading an article, and he said this really sad thing about how all his dreams were coming true but he didn’t feel that he had a bed of his own, he was always traveling. I remember being really busy also and thinking, that’s so sad, to have all your dreams come true but not have a solid foundation. So for some reason, I thought an aerobed would help that for him. In my head, I thought, He can travel with it, then it’s always his safe place. I didn’t go over it with anyone, I should’ve been like, “Hey, should I send this to Matt Damon?” and they would’ve been like, “No, you’re crazy, don’t do it!” But I didn’t, so I got the information he was in Paris, filming something, so I sent it to Paris.”

Cray-zay. Naturally, Matt Damon had the bed burned because god knows what filthy things Love had done in it before shipping it halfway around the world to a total stranger.

Cray-zay.

America’s Most decorated Olympian, Michael Phelps, is now on the run to become America’s Most Arrested For DUI Olympian.

Over the weekend, Phelps was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Baltimore for erratic driving and for going 84 MPH in a 45 MPH zone.

The officer who stopped the Olympian said he seemed to be drunk, though, to be fair, Michael Phelps always looks drunk; but there was the stench of booze that also alerted the officer to the crime, and he failed the subsequent series — meaning more than one — of standard field sobriety tests. He was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speed, and crossing double lane lines.

He was later released and said to be back behind the wheel training for the Jack Daniels Swerve-a-lympics, but for right now he is sorry:

“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding, and crossing double lane lines. I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”

Oh yeah, this is Phelp’s second DUI so yeah, his words don’t mean much at all.

I admit it, I have been watching The View lately now that Grandma Barbara has been sent to a farm where she can run and play with all the other retired journalists. I watch because, most of the time, I like Whoopi Goldberg and her common sense approach to life, and because Rosie O’Donnell is back and one of the other co-hosts used to work for Rosie’s archenemy George “War For Oil” Bush. I thought that would be a catfight worth watching, but apparently Rosie and the Republican are getting along well, but it’s Rosie and Whoopi who are fighting.

According to sources — and by sources I mean a studio filled with people — Rosie and Whoopi got into a shouting match during a commercial break that ended with Whoopi tossing every filthy word she could think of at O’Donnell.

Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children during the Hot Topics segment and as they ran out of time, the producers told Whoopi to end the discussion and go to a commercial break.

Ruh-roh. Now, Rosie doesn’t wear the earpiece so she didn’t hear the producers call for the Shut Rosie Down and once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and saying she “hurt her feelings”.

Whoopi set down her joint — I kid, she smokes backstage y’all — and warned Rosie that this was neither the time nor the place, but Rosie continued to go full-Rosie, telling the audience:

“Well I just don’t appreciate you saying that you were going to do something and not doing it. It makes me upset and I just don’t want to have to go through this.”

That’s when Whoopi, who never met an F-bomb she didn’t drop, pick back up and drop again, said:

“Fuck it, I told you to leave it alone and you just don’t want to listen. If you want to go there Rosie, I will dammit. I’m really sick of your shit.”

Cat Fight! Except … the “sick of your shit” comment seemed to shut Rosie down — too bad Hasselbeck didn’t know that — and so The Other Rosie, AKA  Rosie Perez tried to lighten the mood by saying to the audience:

“Oh shit, Twitter is going to be off the hook now. They’re about to get it.“

Afterwards Barbara Walters wrote Rosie Perez a check for $5 million dollars and elevated her status to Co-Host Referee.

I don’t know anyone who likes going to the dentist, but Charlie Sheen must really hate it …

It appears that the former 2.5 Men star, and current star of the aptly named Anger Management, went berserk on a dental technician after she placed a mask on his face for nitrous oxide.  Sheen ALLEGEDLY reacted by be waving his arms and ultimately hitting her, and the dentist is now claiming that Sheen pulled out a knife and tried to attack him.

How? Why?

Oh, Sheen’s bodyguard made the apologies, by saying Charlie was high on rock cocaine at the time, but even after the mea culpa the Los Angeles Police Department is looking into the incident.

Justin Bieber who was banging Selena Gomez when he ALLEGEDLY banged Miranda Kerr — whose ex, Orlando Bloom punched The Biebs in a Spanish nightclub — is now ALLEGEDLY banging Kendall Jenner who is ALLEGEDLY banging the tiny tot so he can introduce her to Chris Brown because that’s her end game.

I need an Excel spreadsheet to keep up with this pool of STDs.

Small Bites … Ben Affleck’s penis makes its film debut in Gone Girl. I heard it’s a small part.

Really.......with Seth

Seth really sums up this whole Michael Phelps and Kellogg's meshugas quite nicely.

And Now Back To Bob and The News.....Or His Opinions On The News

Tell3.org

Tell 3 is a new call to action. Tell 3 people that you're gay. Tell 3 people that you know someone gay. Just three. It shouldn't be that hard. Let three people know who you are and that you don't deserve being treated like a second-class citizen; that you deserve equal rights.

-----California voted to get rid of marriage rights for our community.
-----29 other states have done the same.
-----LGBT people get fired from their jobs just for being who they are.
-----Kids get beat up in school for seeming "queer" while school administrators do nothing.
-----Same-sex couples can't foster or adopt while children in need go without homes.

This needs to end.
Tell three people what it's like to be gay. What helps people see that we are all really alike is having close relationships with one another.
And the best way to do that is by Telling 3.
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Jessica Simpson.
I don't like her. To me she is a no-talent-hair-tits-and-ass-wannabe-who-never-will.
But now all people can talk about is that she has apparently gained weight. Even women, who should be sticking up for women, are attacking her. Because she got fat, or so they say.
I've seen the recent pictures of her, and I've seen old pictures of her. She looks a bit heavier, yeah, but she looks healthy and happy, so why drag her down? Why put the most horrendous cartoons of her on the net?
Think about your own child, or yourself for that matter. Would you want that kind of attention for your child? For yourself?
I didn't think so.
She is still, to me, a no-talent-hair-tits-and-ass-wannabe-who-never-will, but leave her alone.
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Michael Phelps.
What is wrong with America that we have a desperate need for heroes, and then we begin to tear them down? Or heaven forbid they get caught doing something, and we all jump on the bandwagon calling them names and ratting them out?
He's a swimmer, folks; he swims. And he's pretty good at it, too, because he's got lots of gold bling to show for it. And after he won that jewelry all of America stood on his shoulders and shouted to the world, Look at us! We.Are.The.Best!
Then Phelps picked up a bong and someone picked up a camera.
Sheesh.
Now, I don't smoke pot; tried it once....hated it....never again. I also cannot stand the smell. But that's me. Apparently Phelps doesn't have the same lack of interest in pot as me. So he smoked, got snapped, and now everyone wants to drag him down.
How dare he?
We trusted him.
What kind of role-model is he?
Well, he isn't a role-model, people. He didn't sign up for that. He signed up to be a spokesperson for various companies, and to use his celebrity as a golden boy to make some dough so he could keep training and maybe get some more bling.
He didn't ask to be a role-model. You all made him one, and then waited like wolves at the door for him to stumble, and then you pounce.
Grow up.
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Octuplets.

We are cheered the miracle of the eight births. But it was less miracle and more science, so if you wanna cheer, cheer for the right team. Science.

But then we stopped cheering when we found out the mother was single, had six children, lived with her parents, used a sperm donor, seemed interested in selling, I mean telling.....no, I mean selling....her story to Oprah and Diane, Barbara, Katie and Matt.

We started to get angry. Who does this woman think she is having eight more when she has six at home? What the hell is going on? Her own mother says the woman has emotional issues. Who's going to pay for all those kids? Well, probably Oprah et al to some extent.

I read on another blog that we don't have the right, as pro-choice thinkers, to tell this woman what she can do with her body. Probably not. But we do have the right to question doctors who make it possible for a mother of six to have eight babies. We do have a right to question who's going to pay for all these babies. Millions spent already for the very small people who did nothing wrong other than being born.
The mother doesn't owe us answers, although I expect TV appearances and news specials and documentaries and books will come out of this.

But the doctors who allowed this to happen have some 'splaining to do.

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In New Mexico, the Senate Public Affairs Committee voted 5-4 to give a favorable recommendation to a measure, the "Domestic Partners Rights and Responsibilities Act," that extends the same legal benefits that married couples have under New Mexico law to unmarried couples, whether homosexual or heterosexual.
Domestic partners, whether gay or straight, would have the right to take family medical leave to care for a partner who is ill, the authority to make end-of-life decisions for a partner and would be entitled to property rights in a partner's pension and inheritance rights. Domestic partners also would have the same responsibilities as married couples in child custody and visitation issues and paying child support.

Of course, the haters are up in arms already, talking about the word or God, and traditional marriage, and 5,000 years of no change to marriage, and how this bill, about domestic partners, straight or gay, is opening up the back door to gay marriage.

The back door? Really. Don't give a sarcastic gay a line like that. I could ramble on for days about gays and back doors, and how that's the way we do things, but I won't.

I just want to bask in the sunshine of New Mexico, for taking this step; cool off in the icy breezes of Maine, for taking a stand, too. Bask in the glories of Massachusetts, Connecticut and New Jersey.

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
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Sarah Palin is back in the news.
My watch must be slow, because I could have sworn her fifteen minutes was up.
There's a documentary coming out called, Media Manipulation, or something like that, by a man who apparently wants to boink Sarah, because he seems to pitch a tent in his pants whenever he talks about her. About how it wasn't Americans who elected Barack Obama, but the media.
The media? Really?
The media showed us what was wrong with Palin. An abstinence preaching mother whose own daughter missed the sermon; a woman who couldn't answer even the most challenging question, like What newspapers do you read? Who, when asked a question, actually said, I'll get back to you on that.
Get back to you?
I got a flash of a Palin Presidency after Grampa John kicked the bucket, and a reporter questioning President Wink-Wink about missiles being aimed at the US and Sarah saying, Oh gosh, I'll have to get back to you on that.
Ka-boooooom.
Now there's this video of Ashley Judd speaking out against Governor Palin's obsessions with shooting wolves from the sky--much like shooting fish in a barrel, but you're in a plane and you're shooting wolves. In the winter. When they can't hide. Shooting a defenseless animal simply for sport.
It's murder, Sarah. Murder.
And you think it's fun.
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