The Funny Papers

Matt Wuerker, Darrin Bell, David Horsey, Nick Anderson, Kevin Siers, Jack Ohman, Steve Sack, Clay Bennett, Walt Handelsman, Mike Luckovich, Michael de Adder, Deb Milbrath, Bill Day, JD Crowe

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

The Samantha-less revival of Sex and the City that no one other than Sarah Jessica Parker asked for will be more diverse.

No, seriously. The show will feature three women of color as regulars because, as the creators say, they can’t tell a story with an all-white cast because “it’s not reflective of New York. So they are being very, very conscious about understanding that New York has to reflect the way New York looks today.”

Today? Do they believe people of color only started living in NYC after the second film bombed? Perhaps, so, because they clearly had no problem with an all-white New York City when the show premiered in 1998, though they made a huge step forward when they added Jennifer Hudson, as New York’s only woman of color, in the first film, though JHud moved back to St. Louis so New York was all-white again by the second film.

But today, in 2021, the creators of Sex and the City want you to know that New York City is a more diverse city because they hired three people of color.

Sex and the City. Diversity. Nope.

photo

The U.S. government is suggesting that Kim Kardastrophe tried to smuggle an ancient Roman sculpture into the country.

The statue was detained at the U.S. border in 2016 after Masterpiece International, a logistics company that worked for Kardastrophe, tried to import it with the wrong documentation, causing Italian authorities to demand its return.

According to court documents, Kardastrophe bought the sculpture, known as Fragment of Myron’s Samian Athena, in 2016 from the Axel Vervoordt Gallery in Belgium, but that the piece was detained when it arrived in LA after authorities were alerted that it might be protected cultural property. Italian officials requested provenance details from Masterpiece International, which provided the sculpture’s sales invoice to Kardastrophe, as well as a previous invoice showing that Vervoordt had purchased the work from Galerie Chenel in Paris in 2012.

But there are discrepancies in the descriptions of the sculpture on the two invoices, with the 2012 statement calling it “a large, draped statue” with provenance from an “Old German Collection, bought before 1980,” and the Kardastrophe invoice describing it as a “fragment,” and containing handwritten notations indicating it had originated from Italy.

Huh, Kimmy sure smells like an ALLEGED art smuggler, but we won’t know for sure because she and Axel Vervoordt aren’t talking.

UPDATE Kimmy says she never purchased the statute and someone must have used her name. Seriously; that’s what she says.

photo

So, Bill and Melinda Gates are divorcing. Yawn. But what is interesting is that Bill apparently transferred $1.8 billion in stocks to Melinda Gates on the day she filed for divorce.

Wow, I remember breaking up with a boyfriend and he said I could take the coffee maker, and I thought that was generous.

photo

This week Channing Tatum was on The Kelly Clarkson Show and talked about how his body is highly unrealistic and it only looks like that because his job requires him to work out all the time. But he has a plan to stop the constant exercising: become a better actor:

“As someone who works out for a job, I promise you I would not look like this unless I had to be naked in most of my movies mostly. At some point I have to get better at acting so I don’t have to be naked in all of them.”

Um, Channing, we already have a lot of really good actors, so you do you and keep baring that ass in your movies. If I wanna see great acting, I’ll lean toward Anthony Hopkins or DiCaprio or Daniel Day Lewis, and  when I want hot ass, I’ll buy a ticket to anything you’re in.

photo

If Thing #45 Was A Woman

Caitlyn Jenner is hot on the campaign trail, and just this week tried to spin her campaign is one of “the people,” so she took her message to Fox News, that bastion of journalistic integrity, where she spokje to Sean Hannity from her Malibu airplane hangar.

Nothing says she’ll work for the blue collar Californian than speaking from the place where she house her private plane.

But she did, and her main focus was wealthy people leaving the state because they are tired of seeing homeless people. Yes, she wants to help the wealthy stay in California but has no plans, other than moving them out of state, for the homeless.

This from a woman whose campaign slogan is “Caitlyn for California” told Hannity that “her friends are leaving the state” because of the number of unhoused people in California, and they are taking their private planes with them. Jenner says she spoke a friend who was packing up his aieplane hanger and moving out of the state.

“I said, ‘Where are you going?’ And he says, ‘I’m moving to Sedona, Ariz., I can’t take it here anymore. I can’t walk down the street and see the homeless.’”

Funny, though, that these wealthy Californians don’t see the homeless anyway because they are blind to the plight of any human being who isn’t a One Percenter.

Just like Caitlyn.

I Didn't Say It

Cindy McCain, speaking to CNN about Arizona’s GQP-led recount of an election that has already been called:

“Listen, this whole thing is ludicrous, quite frankly. It’s ludicrous. And this also comes from a state party in Arizona that refused to be audited themselves on votes that were cast within their own party communications. The election is over. Biden won. I know many of them don’t like the outcome, but, you know, elections have consequences. “And so this does not surprise me, you know, that things are just aloof and crazy out there right now with regards to the election.”

Cindy is a lady and ‘ludicrous’ is a polite way of saying ‘fucked up mess’.

I am not a lady, so this business in Arizona, where they are now looking for bamboo threads in the ballots because that proves they came from China, is a ‘fucked up mess.’

photo

Josh Hawley, GQP insurrectionist and lying traitor, saying it’s a “slur” to lump in those patriots with those other patriots who ransacked the Capitol:

“That was as I was entering the House chamber the morning of the 6th. Those were demonstrators who were out there on the plaza, on the far end of the plaza standing behind barricades, waving American flags. Some of them were calling, so I gestured toward them [He held a fist in the air]. They had every right to be there. When I walked by that particular group of folks were standing there peacefully behind police barricades. I don’t know which of those protesters if any of them participated in the criminal riot.” 

When you raise a fist to insurrectionists, you are condoning insurrection.

Josh Hawley is a traitor to this country. And he has blood on his hands.

photo

Rick Santorum, on CNN, proving just how racist and ignorant Republicans are:

"We birthed a nation from nothing. I mean, there was nothing here. I mean, yes we have Native Americans but candidly there isn't much Native American culture in American culture.”

Racist, homophobic, ignorant fuck.

photo

Newt Gingrich, on Fox News, speaking the GQP anti-LGBTQ+ card:

“Every idiotic thing that the Biden administration has done in the first 100 days, you begin to realize—whether it’s threatening everybody who believes in the Second Amendment or it’s attacking everybody who believes in right to life or it is attacking people of traditional values who are appalled that this administration would fly the gay flag at American embassies all over the world. I mean, you just go down item by item and it’s almost like they have a checklist of ‘What can we do that will really, truly, infuriate traditional Americans?’ And I’ve never seen anything like it. I couldn’t imagine any administration which had been this deliberately anti-American and it’s deliberately committed to infuriating the majority of the American people.”

Newt Gingrich talking about an "assault on traditional" values is the height of hypocrisy.

This is the same Newt Gingrich who cheated on his first wife while she was fighting cancer, and then told her he was divorcing her so he could marry his mistress while she was in the hospital.

This is the same Newt Gingrich who then cheated on his second wife with a devout Catholic woman whom he would then leave his second wife for, making his devout Catholic mistress his third wife.

I guess those are RepubliQAnon family values.

photo

John Kennedy, GQP loon, ranting on the Fox News show Outnumbered about President Biden:

“What President Biden has done is immeasurably reckless and foolish. He’s gone full wokerista. He has joined those people who believe that America was wicked in its origins and that the American people are even more wicked today, that we have millions of Americans who are racist and misogynistic and ignorant, especially if they didn’t vote for him. And the wokeristas, who Mr. Biden has joined, have contempt for America. They should have gratitude. And I am very, very disappointed in President Biden. I knew he would be left of center. I didn’t know he would be left of Lenin. He knows better. He knows better.”

Um, loon? May I call you loon? One look at the Republican party, with your Confederate flag-waving, racist epithet spewing, Black Lives Don’t Matter toothless cousin-fuckers should tell you that America has tens of millions of racist, misogynistic, ignorant fools.

Look in a mirror, bitch.

photo

Jake Tapper, on the GQP’s continuing lies about The Big Lie, and how he won’t have them on his show:

“The lie about the election on its own is anti-democracy, and it is sowing seeds of ignorance in the populous, and obviously has the potential to incite violence. But beyond that is, if you’re willing to lie about that, what are you not willing to lie about? And that’s where we are when it comes to the House Republican leadership, McCarthy and Scalise, and where we are with too many leaders of the Republican party. They’re not willing to tell their voters the truth. What does that say about them? If they’re willing to lie about Joe Biden wanting to steal your hamburgers, and QAnon and the Big Lie about the election, what are they not willing to lie about? Why should I put any of them on TV?”

They’ve done nothing for healthcare but have whined ad nauseum about Dr. Seuss.

No plan for infrastructure but lied about Biden outlawing red meat.

They’ve denied COVID, denied the vaccine, and but swear the government is buying Kamala Harris’ book to give to migrant children.

They still say the twice-impeached, one-term loser won an election which he did not.

Why bother speaking to liars?

photo

Bobservations

Last week when we got pricked—by an incredibly beautiful military man—both Carlos and I wondered if it would hurt. Neither one of us could remember the last time we’d been pricked, medically speaking, and so we were slightly apprehensive.

But it was easy peasy and over before we knew it, and then we had to sit in another room and wait fifteen minutes to make sure there were no immediate side effects. We took a seat and I glanced at the clock; it was 11:30.Okay, 11:45 and we’d be on our way. Carlos was sitting in a chair the requisite six feet away and had his phone out:

“Hey Siri? Set a timer for fifteen minutes.”

Then he looked at me and said:

“Did you ask your Siri to set an alarm?”

“No. I’m gonna go wild and just look at the clock on the wall.”

Several people in the room chuckled and I almost got up and gave them a fifteen-minute set. But Carlos got most of the chuckles because every so often I’d hear:

“Twelve minutes, seven seconds.”

“Nine minutes, 33 seconds.”

“Seven minutes, 54seconds.”

“Three minutes, 45 seconds.”

Gosh, that man slays me.

We have no idea how old Tuxedo is. When we rescued him from an animal hospital Carlos managed in Miami, he was a grown-assed cat, so I’m thinking he was a year or more. We’ve lived in Smallville almost fifteen years, and had him for about a year before that, so he’s seventeen? Just a guess.

And he’s getting older. He has issues with his kidneys and is on a special diet, which he actually loves; and he’s so smart that he will not even bother with the “other cat’s” food but will wait for his meals. He’s also lost some muscle mass in his back legs and so he is no longer a jumper. That cat that used to jump to a high closet shelf, a bathroom counter, a high bed, now doesn’t jump at all, and when he wants to sit in my lap, he puts his front paws on my knee and I hoist him up.

However, he still loves sitting in a windowsill on a sunny morning, and the sills at Casa Bob y Carlos are about 14 inches off the ground but even that’s too high for him; and, because some vicious person declawed him before we saved him, he has no front claws to help him up. So, again, he’s very smart, he uses his paws to grab the sill and then stretches his legs out so that his, what I would call forearms, are on the sill, and he lifts himself onto the sill, and then naps.

Breaks my heart, but he makes do, and is still a loving sweet smart boy.

What do you get when you cross a moron with a sexual predator?

You get GQP wingnuts Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene who are teaming up to start an “America First Tour” of rallies around the country.

Lock up your teenage daughters and get out your Moron to English dictionaries America, the loons are on the loose.

Until recently, Ohio was one of two states that prohibited trans people from correcting the gender listed on their birth certificates but those days are nearly over.

In a few weeks, the Ohio Department of Health will unveil a process by which trans people can update their birth certificates to reflect their lived gender.

It’s about time, Ohio. Now, the only state left in the U.S. that refuses to allow trans people to apply for birth certificates that are authentic to their identities is, wait for it, you know it, Tennessee.

In other good news for trans Americans, down there in Texas … yes, Texas … Jace King is the first openly trans teen in their town, in Texas, in the entire country, to become an Eagle Scout.

Jace joined a BSA troop in 2019, after the group began allowing youth of all genders to join. That inclusion made possible King’s lifelong dream to become an Eagle Scout like their older brother. But they had to work fast to achieve it before turning 18, and so Jace  did so, earning the rank of Eagle Scout, which usually takes four to six year, in 25 months.

Bravo, Jace.

More good trans news? Yes, please. Pennsylvania Governor, and Democrat, Tom Wolf has told the GOP-majority legislature that if they pass a ban on trans girls and women in sports, it will be vetoed.

And while the GOP has a majority in both the state house and senate, it does not have a two-thirds majority in either chamber, the required amount to override a veto by the governor.

Thank you, Governor Wolf, for seeing hate and discrimination for what it is, and refusing to allow it.

I like me some HGTV. I like seeing new ideas for things to do in the house or the garden, and so I was kinda interested to see Inside Out, a new show where an interior designer and a landscape designer work together on both the inside and outside of the home.

And I was especially happy to see the hosts, designer Carmine Sabatella and landscaper Mike Pyle, two beefy hot hunks of men. And my gaydar pinged a little though I couldn’t tell if it was for sweet talking Carmine or hunk with that smile Mike, so I went to my old buddy Google, who told me that Mike has a girlfriend—whatever—but Carmine has a husband—I knew it—the hottie below, Ryan Delair.

I was kinda hoping for Mike because, sheesh, that smile, but I could be the meat in a Carmine Ryan sammich, with a side of Mike.

Kimberly Guilfoyle, girlfriend of the twice-impeached, one-term loser’s son, Diaper Don, says that she  “knows” Vice President Kamala Harris is secretly in charge of the White House:

“It’s really sad, [Biden’s] way in over his skis. Kamala Harris is really the de facto commander-in-chief. She made it very clear. She’s calling the shots here, I know this, I’ve known her a long time.”

Yes, Botox Barbie, the stripper of the GQP, and perhaps Junior’s coke dealer, wants us to believe that not only does she know the Vice President, but that she knows the Veep is running things.

Hey Kimberly? Get off the pole. You’re a joke.

The adult children of the twice-impeached, one-term loser have cost taxpayers a lot of money over the years, and now we know from Secret Service records that in the first thirty days after Daddy fled DC, his children’s’ travel cost taxpayers over $140,000; that figure doesn’t include charges at family-owned properties where the demon spawn charged the US government to stay at their own hotels.

The reason these charges are different is that they all occurred after Biden’s inauguration, and, ordinarily, a former president’s children are no longer entitled to Secret Service protection. But the Grifter In Chief—who is one of the :::coughcough::: richest men in the world—extended the protection for his family members and three top appointees by six months, giving more time to funnel money to his own properties.

Grifters gonna grift.

Mitch McConnell said this week:

"100% of my focus is on stopping this new administration."

Which means he and the rest of the GQP will work to get nothing done about financial aid for struggling Americans, ending the pandemic, improving environmental protections, and updating our crumbling infrastructure, or anything at all.

Once again, they will do no work, but take their paychecks and ask you to vote them back into power.

Daniel Dexter is a model and an artist and an exercise physiologist.

I only know what some of those words mean, but I do know he is all kinds of dreamboat.

Just sayin’.

Architecture Wednesday: Point Lechuza

This architectural beachfront masterpiece is in a league of its own. It sits at the northern tip of Malibu and is the last home to have been designed by the renowned mid-century modern architect Pierre Koenig.

Gated and private—because, you know, Malibu—it is located at the end of a cul-de-sac. But private doesn’t mean simple; no detail has been spared in the composition of this peaceful beachfront retreat.

Built of glass, steel and concrete, the tri-level home bridges the gap cool contemporary architecture and the warmth of nature with breathtaking ocean views. And, as well as being a significant home, it is also environmentally conscious, it  runs on an innovative system with radiant heating and solar power.

However environmentally friendly it is, there are also luxuries. You enter the home to a car lift which leads to a gated underground garage.  On that same level is the theatre and a guest bedroom.  The middle level features the living areas, dining room and kitchen, with floor-to-ceiling windows throughout. The upper-level houses three bedrooms, all of which exhibit captivating views, while the master suite features a fireplace and floating walkway leading to a private balcony floating above the ocean.

Surrounded by beautiful Palm and Cyprus trees, the lower deck includes ample oceanfront entertainment space, a dipping pool/spa, and leads to a private retractable drawbridge to step directly onto the sandy beach.

It’s practically a work of art.

Dwell