The Funny Papers

Nick Anderson, Michael de Adder, Bill Bramhall, Adam Zyglis, Max Espinoza, Dave Whamond, Pedro X Molina, RJ Matson, Gary Huck, Clay Bennett,

Why Is It ...

… that most people don’t realize that the reason I don’t eat grapes is because I am not used to consuming wine in pill form

… that after my doctor told me to watch my drinking, I left his office to find a bar with a mirror

… that you know you've finally grown up when you actually pick up the ice ‎cube instead of kicking it under the fridge; of note, I am not that grown up

… that no one told me to enjoy my youth because after fifty my body’s dashboard was going to light up like a Christmas tree

… that the biggest lie I tell myself is that ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.

… that I have finally admitted that my level of weirdness is above the national average and I’m comfortable with that

… that I think some people need to come with a 30-second trailer so I can see what I’m getting into

… that whoever decided that a one-inch candy bar should be called ‘fun-sized’ should really reevaluate their standards for entertainment

… that when you were a child you often made funny faces in the mirror, but after middle age the mirror gets even

… that people need to realize that the reason I don’t iron my clothes is because if I’m not wrinkle-free why should my shirts and pants be wrinkle-free?

I Didn't Say It ...

Pete Buttigieg, former Secretary of Transportation and future President of the United States, calling Cankles unfit to lead troops:

“This is clearly amateur hour at the Pentagon and in the White House. And again, the price is being paid by all of us. You can also just tell from the administration’s attitude toward this war, the fact that they’re putting out videos treating this like a video game. It’s not a video game for the families of the fallen. And then, just this week, we saw campaign fundraising materials being put out, emails where the president’s committee, the president’s political operation, was raising money off of images of him at a dignified transfer. Any politician who does that has no business leading American troops in the war. If the president is willing to raise campaign funds over the bodies of America’s war dead, he is unfit to be the commander-in-chief.”

And when the families of those killed in Iran asked not to have cameras when their children’s bodies came home, the media was kept out … but not White House photographers who ignored the families’ wishes and filmed the event.

This is Cankles; a draft-dodging pedophile who only cares about himself.

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Margaret Cho, actor and comedian, on the Democratic party:

“I want a Democrat to get bit by a zombie. I want a bloodthirsty, feral, hotheaded warrior creature who wills top at nothing to win. Where are my political animals who will fight tooth and nail for what is right? I’m sick of the high road. It’s gotten nowhere. We need a new route. A lowdown dirty one.”

I don’t want dirty Democrats, but I want Democrats with balls; Democrats who speak up and resist and demand answers. I want Democrat who win in November and begin holding this regime, from Bondi and Noem, to Hegseth and Miller, and all the rest, accountable for their crimes.

We don’t need to get dirty to do that, we just need to stand the fuck up.

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Colman Domingo, actor, accepting the President’s Award at the 57th NAACP Image Awards and praising his stepfather:

“I had about four different speeches written and I let go of all of them this morning. ‘Cause I wanted to speak from the heart, and talk about service, and what gets you to this stage. You don’t get here alone. You get here by having a stepfather, Clarence Bowles, who came along when I was about eight years old and married my mom. He was a blue-collar worker, sanded hardwood floors. He fired me from my summer job with them. He said, ‘Son, come here. This is your last summer doing this.’ I said, ‘Why? I thought I was doing a good job.’ He says, ‘I don’t want you doing this backbreaking work. I want you to work with your mind.’ He held out his hands that had callouses on them, and he said, ‘Let me tell you something. I don’t want that for you. I want you to have soft hands. And I want you, when you go far, I want you to have something you believe in, and do good things in the world.’ And I carry that message with me, with every man that I portray. I want to make sure that I give them their full humanity, to make sure they look just like us in every single way, in all of our complexity. I want to make sure that there’s love, love, love, and more love.”

Sounds like Clarance Bowels was a wonder father who wanted more for his stepson than maybe he had as a child.

We could all use a parent, or parents, who lift us up.

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Maren Morris, Grammy-winning country singer, ripping MAGAts for now saying they “didn’t vote for this”:

“I don't have forgiveness for the triple [Cankles voters] or ANY of the [Cankles voters]. You did vote for this. He is a dementia-ridden, diaper-clad, cornball ex-TV host. Bankrupt as f*ck. Look at his stats … you got bamboozled.”

So, MAGAts, if you’re upset that the world’s most blatant liar tricked you, then responsibility is on you for being too stupid to recognize what’s actually going on…especially the third time around!

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Laverne Cox, actor and trans advocate, speaking at the GLAAD Media Awards:

“What we’ve seen over the past seven years is a strategic, well-funded, calculated effort to systematically dehumanize transgender people to make us subhuman. The ways that they speak about us, men in girls’ sports. Words like ‘biological sex,’ ‘transgenderism,’ ‘trans ideology,’ all of these words are designed so you don’t see us as people. You see us as some kind of idea that is meant to come and take something from you. It’s never been about sports or protecting women in sports. It’s never been about the children. If they wanted to protect women and children, they would prosecute the motherfuckers who are in the Epstein files. Many of whom are serving in this regime.”

Spot on; the GOP shrieks about the children, but children go hungry in America; the GOP squawks about abortion but ignore the children once they’re out of the womb; they fake cry about the dangers of drag queens and trans Americans harming children, but so and say nothing about billionaire pedophiles hosting Rape a Child parties on tropical islands.

So, GOP, save your bullshit, your hypocrisy, and your faux-Christian outrage. You only care about billionaires.

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Bobservations

The past couple of Mondays we’ve had some wild weather here in South Carolina. Last week we had heavy rains and tornado watches and I had to be at work, So I told Carlos to leave the weather reports on and if it gets bad and a tornado is close he needs to gathers the cats, his phone and charger, and some water and get into our master bedroom closet which is at the center of the house.

Luckily all we got was heavy rain and some high winds but no tornadoes in South Carolina.

This past Monday we got the same story but I was off work this week. Still, I reminded Carlos … cats, phone, water, closet. And we barely got a drizzle of rain and no really high winds.

Yesterday morning, I’m getting ready for work and I hear a siren go off in the distant, a long, sustained moan. I race from the back of the house out to the living shouting “Cats! Phone! Water!!” and find Carlos putting down his trumpet and looking around in shock.

That damn trump gave me tornado siren vibes and so I punished Carlos by putting him in the closet with the cats and NO phone. That’ll teach him!

The Great Tuxedo still has a lot left to say and he still has a place to say it.

Kathie Lee Gifford has said she doesn’t  like the LGBTQIA+ community using too many letters in its title:

“I don’t even know how many letters there are now. They’ve really got to stop with that.”

Listen,. Grandma, I don’t need some self-identifying straight white Christian woman telling me or anyone else in my community how we can or can, should or shouldn’t identify.

Gifford claims to have more gay friends that straight friends but then she sure loves to tell us how to live our lives.

Siddown.

JD Vance took time out from making sweet love to a love seat to tell us that the rising gas prices because of the war in Iran are, yes, Joe Biden’s fault:

“All of this conversation happens where Joe Biden left us in a terrible situation, and the reason why gas prices are where they are today is because of [Cankles’] work to get them lower, because the Biden administration, they were crazy high.”

So let me get this straight: When gas prices go up under Cankles, it’s Biden’s fault and when they go down under Cankles it’s his genius?

Anyone wanna tell Couchfucker that Biden has been out of office for fifteen months and gas prices went up just last week.

At the Oscars Jimmy Kimmel’s joke about Melanie’s “documentary” sent the regime into a tizzy attacking Kimmel’s family after he said:

"There are also documentaries where you walk around the White House trying on shoes."

Within hours, White House Communications Director Steven Cheung posted a rant:

“[Kimmel] is a classless hack who is self-projecting his depression and sadness onto others. [He] lives a pathetic existence where nobody, not even his family, enjoys his miserable company."

That's the official White House communications director … posting that … from his government account … about a shoe joke.

We’re at war and this has the regime pissed off.

Speaking of Cankles’ War, he asked several countries to send war ships to the Strait of Hormuz and, well, it didn’t go as he’d hoped:

France said No! China didn’t pick up the phone. The United kingdom said it was “discussing its options” but made no commitment. Japan also didn’t respond. South Korea declined. Germany said Nein. Norway basically laughed and went back to living their good life.

Still, this nonsense begs the question: why does Cankles need help in a war that he said he's already won?

Chief Justice John Roberts defended the Supreme Court against a barrage of attacks that Cankles unleashed against the court for striking down the core of his pivotal tariff policy:

“Personally directed hostility is dangerous and it’s got to stop.”

Hey Johnny, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you rightwingnuts on the court give him free rein to do what he wanted? And then he did it and you voted against it and now he’s mad?

He’s a monster criminal grifter rapist that the Supreme Court created so check yourself in a mirror asshat, this is on you.

Now, after all this serious stuff, let’s have a laugh … Melanie spoke at a Women’s History month gathering and said this:

“As a visionary, I know success is not born overnight, but rather, takes shape after a long, and sometimes challenging process. Often alone at the top, I follow my passion, listen to my instinct, and always maintain a laser focus. In solitude, my creative mind dances—filling my imagination with originality. Attention to detail, demanding schedules, and multi-tasking are everyday realities when building towards success. This principle resonates across all my roles: as a mother, humanitarian, philanthropist, and entrepreneur. As well as with my new film, where I shaped its creative direction, served as producer, managed post-production, and activated the marketing campaign. Curiosity is a core value that keeps me ahead of the curve. Curiosity begets knowledge, opening doors to ideas and industries that I may have otherwise overlooked. This unrestricted mindset has led me to build across very different sectors: fashion, digital assets, publishing, accessories, skincare, commercial television, and of course, filmmaking.”

Clearly narcissism and delusion are family traits.

Pau Ramis is a Spanish model  with blue-green eyes and who stands at 6’2” which is all very nice, but Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: House of Balconies

You’ll almost feel as though you’ve stepped back in time when you enter this home in the Lafayette hills, a phenomenal split-level five-bedroom, three-bathroom luxury home built by renowned Mid-Century Modern architect Robert Klemmedson in 1959. This quintessential Mad Men-era masterpiece has been carefully restored to its modernist glory and is hitting the market for the first time in 60 years.

Known as “The House of Balconies” by when it was built, the home boasts soaring vaulted ceilings and expansive walls of floor-to-ceiling windows and multitude of decks and balconies that frame dramatic views of Mt. Diablo and vineyards dotting distant Lafayette hillsides.

The 3,170-square-foot house sits on a very private half-acre surrounded by mature oak, pine, and bay trees and features original slate floors with radiant heat, mahogany paneled walls, a sunken conversation pit next to a two-sided copper fireplace for sipping martinis, exposed beam ceilings, and multiple sliding glass doors that open onto decks and patio surrounding the pool.

Klemmedson’s architecture celebrates our connection to nature and geography; in this home he married indoor and outdoor spaces by extending a limestone wall from the Zen-like entryway into the living room’s stunning floor-to-ceiling stone wall and out again towards the backyard pool.

Known for his creative use of space, Klemmedson cantilevered the primary bedroom dramatically over the living room, creating a romantic interior balcony. This spacious suite includes a dressing room and serene bathroom with a sunken step-in shower, emerald fired tile, and lush views through vast windows and opens to a curved redwood deck with stairs leading down to the pool.

The home’s other bedrooms occupy a separate wing with its own staircase and cantilevered landing. Below this family bedroom wing, you'll find the den, game room/study, and bright laundry room.

The kitchen is substantially larger than many kitchens of the era and has been updated with high-end appliances, stone counters, and cabinetry. Designer features were added for today’s homeowners who love entertaining, including a peninsula bar with seating, a copper sink, wine refrigerator and a kitchen-to-patio pass-through is fitted with folding glass windows.

The backyard oasis also boasts a gas firepit, freshly laid lawn, the pool and those views and can be yours for a hair under $3M.

Dwell