The Funny Papers

Bill Bramhall, Clay Bennett, Chris Britt, Mike Luckovich, Gary Huck, Tim Campbell, Rick McKee, Nick Anderson, Trevor Irvin, Benjamin Slyngstad, Michael de Adder, Jesse Duquette, Daniel Boris, Pedro X Molina

Why Is It ...

… that when I noticed the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled I laughed at the irony, and then I laughed again at the word “irony”

… that people don’t know that if I was a Jedi there’s a 100% chance I would use the Force inappropriately

… that while I often know better than to do certain things but my curiosity was like “do it” and my bad decisions were already putting on their shoes

… that you need to know that my self worth doesn’t depend on your opinion of me mainly because I already checked with myself and I think I’m doing a fantastic job. The Board of Directors [me] has spoken.

… that y’all need to know my Five ways to Have a Good Day: 1] Drink Coffee; 2] Avoid People; 3] Read a book; D] Drink more Coffee; and 4] Keep avoiding people

… that I often need to ask the haters watching life if they are okay with the volume or if I should turn it up

… that the people who think they know me don’t see my 5AM runs, or see me choosing a salad over French fries, or doing yoga in a peaceful room, don’t realize it’s because I don’t do any of that

… that when I ask myself if I’m the problem we almost always say no

… that “naked hiking” is apparently done without GPS, no music and no distractions and yet no one bothered to tell me sooner

… that y’all need to know that I didn't survive Y2K, 9/11, Swine Flu, Bird Flu, multiple recessions, that time I woke up naked in a corn field, and COVID just to be taken out by diarrhea lettuce

I Didn't Say It ...

Hakeem Jeffries, Democrat Representative from New York and House Minority Leader, on what can, and will, happen in 100 days:

“In just 100 days, you can vote for an America where we p[ass the John Robert Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act so we can end the era of voter suppression in this country once and for all … We have 100 days to change America.”

End the rich getting richer while the middle and lowers classes cannot afford food or gas or housing or healthcare or college.

End these never-ending wars for profit.

End ICE.

One hundred days and then CAST AGODDAMNED VOTE!

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Jon Ossoff, Democrat Senator from Georgia, on Cankles grift while more and more Americans suffer:

“While the people pay more for everything and millions lose health coverage, while he rakes in billions and builds himself a ballroom and prepares again to attack our elections … he reanimates his 2020 obsession while he spirals in fear of the rebuke to come this fall and the accountability that will follow it. Because accountability is coming.”

Stay diligent, stay vigilant, and know your rights when it comes to voting.

If we stand together and stand up this regime can come tumbling down and accountability will follow.

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Rosie O’Donnell, comedian and actor, on who is responsible for the disaster that is Cankles:

“I really do blame Mark Burnett and the producers of The Apprentice for selling a lie to the American people, for selling that show as fact when it was fiction, and pretending this mediocre man was somehow a leading businessman in the country. It is the biggest load of crap. I find it very unbelievable that people can’t see him for what he is … even with 34 felonies [and] convictions.”

As many folks say, “There’s a sucker born every minute,” and Cankles was able to sell them a lie masked as a dream, and hate as power, and racism as a new America.

Burnett used Cankles to reach those idiot masses.

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Hunter Biden, son of former President Joe Biden and proud pot-stirrer, on the recent White House Correspondents reboot:

“I watched [his] speech at the Correspondents’ Dinner last night. It’s hard to articulate how sad it made me. Sad and embarrassed and exhausted. Here is the thing about a man who is a joke. He can’t tell one. People think humor is a talent. It isn’t. It’s a capacity. To make someone laugh you have to be able to laugh at yourself, and to laugh at yourself you have to step outside of yourself and see what everyone else sees. For one second you have to be just another person in the room. Most people can do this by the time they are nine years old. He has never once managed it. Not in fifty years of cameras. Not for a second. That is not a quirk. It is a symptom. The muscle that lets you tell a joke is the same one that lets you feel what another person feels. A man who cannot survive being laughed at cannot imagine being anyone but himself. He will only ever be generous when it is photographed. He will only ever be kind when it is filmed. There is a name for it. So he stood up there and did what he always does. He hit down. He made jokes about people’s weight. He made jokes about their intelligence. He made jokes about how women look. He read out the names of people he doesn’t like, and mocked them. Always mocking. And when no one laughed he blamed his speech writers. The cruelty dressed as humor has worn so thin. And for the 30% of you still in the cult who will inevitably call me a crackhead and blame it all on my Dad, all I can say is please, for the love of God, open your eyes. Wake the fuck up. Have some dignity. Have some pride. Joe Biden wasn’t standing at that podium last night. Donald Trump was. And at the end of it he put on a red hat that said Trump 2028 and told the room he was running again. No one laughed because everyone knows he has no intention of leaving. Just another joke at our expense.”

And sadly a joke that we allowed to reach the White House twice and we’ll have to treat him like a squatter to get him out.

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James Talarico, Democrat candidate for Senator from Texas, on the priorities of the current regime:

“We are closing schools and hospitals in this country, so we can bomb schools and hospitals in other countries. There is never enough money for education and healthcare, but there’s always enough money for war. This morning, we learned that one of our own, Pvt. Isabella Gonzales, was killed by an Iranian airstrike in Jordan. Isabella grew up in Carrollton, not too far from here. she was just 19 years old. she just graduated from Hebron High School. Isabella was sent to serve in a reckless war that no one asked for. we pay for it with our tax dollars. Isabella paid for it with her life.”

I thought Cankles big goal was America first but it’s not; it’s the rich first and then fuck everyone else.

Fuck the poor, fuck the children, fuck the ill, fuck the military, as long as those checks clear.

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Jasmine Crockett, Democrat Representative from Texas, on GOP attempt to whitewash the National Museum of American History:

“Welcome to the Republicans' white pride rally disguised as a congressional hearing. It might be uncomfortable for some people on this committee to hear about the true history of America, and I hate that for them. But facts are facts. It's a fact that there is a violent, exclusionary, discriminatory, sexist, and racist part of American history, where our indigenous populations were forcibly displaced from their land, where thousands of Black people were unjustly lynched, where Black people were denied the right to vote, and they still trying to do it today. Women needed their husbands' permission to open a bank account, where people with disabilities were routinely excluded from schools, workplaces, and public life, where four little Black girls were murdered by the KKK at the 16th Street Baptist Church, and a lot of this wasn't that long ago. In fact, three of those girls would be 77 and one would be 74. More than 40 members of Congress serving right now would be older than them. Ruby Bridges, who was the first Black child to desegregate an all-white school, is only 71 years old. More than 100 members of Congress serving right now are older than her. So, attacks on the Smithsonian or any other institution that's willing to tell the true history of America is not only an attempt to rewrite history; it's an attempt to erase history."

If you forget history, you are likely to repeat it … Hitler to Cankles.

American history is white and male and Christian, yes, but it’s also Black, Brown, Yellow, Red and female, LGBTQ+, young and old, Jewish and Catholic and Protectant and atheist and agnostic.

And don’t ever fucking forget that.

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Bobservations

This Carlos story needs a flashback because we dig deep …

When we first moved to Camden and purchased Casa Bob y Carlos, we asked Carlos’ Aunt Gloria to visit, and she did … in December when it’s frigid in Camden. And Gloria had only ever lived in Mexico City and Miami and San Juan, so the cold was not her thing. But we tried to make her comfortable and raised the heat while she was here; it got so hot in the house I was in T-shirt and shorts the whole time, but Gloria never felt warm. One day she opened the door to her room and shouted down the hallway:

“Please, boys, turn up the heat. I will happily pay the bill.”

Turn it up we did but she was never warm—which is why she never visited in winter again—but the joke was on us because when she left and I was cleaning the guest room I noticed the vents in her room, and in her bathroom, were all closed! Oy.

So, cut to this morning, and I turn on the AC at about 7:30. We keep the AC at 80-degrees because there are ceiling fans in every room and the house stays cool, but as I walked into the kitchen Carlos says:

“I’ll gladly pay the AC bill for some cool air.”

And I responded thusly:

“You picked the wrong morning to fuck with me.”

“What—"

“I got the most horrendous cramp in my foot at 3AM and couldn’t sleep the rest of the night. I got up to take an aspirin hoping that would ease the pain and hobbled into the kitchen to find … we had no aspirin or Tylenol or anything thing. So I lay in bed wincing and tossing and turning.”

“I thought I told you we needed Ty—”

“Nope, save that story, sister, because if you’d said we needed Tylenol we would have Tylenol.”

“Well, I also had a bad night’s sleep because when I came to bed at 11:30 your phone kept making that sound it makes when you plug the charger into it and I had to get up in the dark and search the room for your phone to unplug it and plug it back in and then try to get some sleep.”

“Did you get some sleep?”

“I did.”

“Well I didn’t get any sleep and so now you will be paying for that for the rest of your natural life.”

Well, at least until the end of the day.

This Tale of Tuxedo is from September 2010 and is entitled “Someone Has it Easy On Caturday...”

"While Carlos and I cleaned house and reorganized a closet … yes, we are that much fun....someone else took a snooze.

Lucky."

Oy, the punim on that cat!

Well, Suri Cruise has officially severed ties with her estranged dad, Tom Cruise, by officially changing her last name from Cruise to Noelle.

$$$cientology; destroying families everywhere.

Last week the Department of Defense released the names of the 18 servicemembers killed since the start of Cankles War for Profit and DUI Pete’s War for Ego. 

But then without a word the names of Lt. Tyler James Feehan, 25, Pvt. Isabella González, 19, Sgt. Michael Emmanuel Swinton, 30,  and Sgt. Ángel Rampersad, 28, were removed from the list of dead Americans because according to the Regime, since they died during a ceasefire their deaths are not war casualties.

Say their goddamned names. They died for this country!

Sophie Cunningham, basketball player, is the latest athlete to step up against trans women in sports saying she wants to protect children but, um, Sophie, you ignorant fool?

The NCAA president has said there are fewer than 10 openly transgender athletes out of 510,000 athletes yet this dominates headline.

Sophie and the rest of her ick, I mean, ilk might best want to stand up for the women and girls raped by the president and his friendly pedophile buddy.

The thoughts that cross my mind as sleep … we all know cats have excellent night vision; they can leap to the tops of closet shelves, climb atop a bookcase, roam the house all night long so …

Why do they step on my face in the middle of the night?

Cuz it’s a choice, right Rosita?

PS The look on Rosie's face clearly says, "Keep coming for me, buddy, and you'll find out what I step in right before walking across your face!"

In another shameless display of GOP and MAGAt hypocrisy and goose-stepping for their cult leader, think back in recent history when the Cult went mad that NYC had elected a Muslim mayor just 25 years after 9/11 and now they are literally handing nuclear weapons to Saudi Arabia, the country that raised the 9/11 attackers because Cankles got paid by the Saudis.

In all honesty I don’t think they’re declaring Mitch McConnel dead because he doesn’t have an unqualified sister to replace him.

Hubert Kacprowicz is a lot of things ... actor ... Biomedical engineer ... and Renaissance man; he's also blond, blue-eyed and tall, so Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Historic Covent Garden Townhouse

Built around 1700, just 34 years after the Great Fire of London, Number 1 Goodwin’s Court celebrates well over 300 years of existence with the completion of its painstaking ten-year renovation. As part of a row of Grade II Listed buildings this home is a rare survivor of a building type reflecting the conditions of London’s Georgian working-classes; it’s also a piece of London’s rich history as well as more recent fame as the inspiration for Ollivanders Wand Shop in the Harry Potter films.

To start with, slowly and carefully, 325 years of architectural history were peeled back, revealing an astonishing level of originality still intact. Four time-worn stone steps sit just below the exquisite front door.

Once inside the upper ground floor you can walk down a preserved staircase into a beautifully appointed kitchen with cool York stone floors and period fireplace. Hidden away, to preserve that history, are fridge, freezer, microwave and dishwasher while an induction hob sits atop a solid oak countertop. Overhead, exposed, original time aged beams have been exposed and re-installed complete with state-of-the-art fire prevention misting system. The room also has space for a kitchen table and chairs for dining while, a Accessed through a reclaimed door, is a Georgian inspired tiled shower room with antique water closet and wash basin.

Back on the upper ground floor is the reception room and its original intricate bow window from the 1700s; the room is anchored by a central fireplace, flanked with recessed shelving and original Wainscot paneling. As a nod to its history as a former shop, two softly worn patches in the floorboards mark the spot where a shopkeeper stood for generations.

That history extends to the original staircase carrying you up to the first floor; its distempered walls and original plaster work take center stage, its light blue patina resembles an impressionist painting. On the first floor is a double with forward-facing windows overlooking the historic alleyway. Original plaster work sits between the windows and above the wainscot with an authentic fireplace and reclaimed wood paneling elsewhere. Cupboards on either side of the fireplace now house the convenience of an antique water closet to one side and a wash hand to the other.

On the second floor is the second bedroom with softly textured lime rendered walls creating a warmth intensified by the natural light penetrating the room through dual windows; historic details continue with beautifully aged & waxed, reclaimed floorboards and muted hue of the paneled walls and cupboards on either side of a fireplace.

Essentially untouched since 1700, the historic loft space is in a class of its own and a glimpse into the past of its honest construction with 326-year-old pegs and roof tiles remaining intact.

It’s a piece of history brought back to life perfectly.

As always click to emBIGGERate …

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