Bobservations

Well, tomorrow will mark yet another trip around the sun and another year added to my life’s resume. Another year older and yet I am still childish and immature, and so I took a loooong weekend off to celebrate my birth; hey, if the Baby Jeebus gets a week in December I should get five days in January!

There are some schedules posts, but I’ll be out of the blog-o-sphere until next Tuesday. Y’all play nice, and now … let’s rip:

The other day, after my “Fall” post, I was telling Carlos about it, and reliving, for him, my tumbles and such; his response:

“But you forgot the best one ever! That time you fell out of bed? Now, that was funny.”

He’s lucky I’m still recovering … 

Tuxedo is so annoyed by Santos that he has threatened to Uber his way to Washington, sneak into Congress, find Santos, and piss all over his leg. I said that was a bad Idea; skip the Uber and I’ll drive …

This week ALLEGED LGBTQ+ Ally Beyoncé Knowles faced some backlash for performing in Dubai, where homosexuality is illegal.

Beyoncé, a BILLIONAIRE, pocketed a $24 million check for an eighty-five minute performance—which is about $282,353 a minute—and her father and minions are still saying she has, ahem, “always stood for inclusiveness” and would never do anything to “deliberately hurt someone ' ... unless there’s nearly $300,000 a minute to be made.

Come for me Bey Hive, but Beyoncé can fuck all the way off.

After finally admitting to doing drag, out gay pathological liar Congress man George Santos is publicly feuding with drag queen Trixie Mattel on Twitter. See, Santos, er, Kitara Ravache has become the target of late-night shows and Georgie was butt-hurt at the mocking, Tweeting out:

“I have now been enshrined in late night TV history with all these impersonations, but they are all TERRIBLE so far. Jon Lovitz is supposed to be one of the greatest comedians of all time and that was embarrassing—for him not me! These comedians need to step their game up.”

Note: Jon Lovitz hasn’t been funny since the 1980s.

In reply, RuPaul’s Drag Race star Trixie Mattel Tweeted:

“Maybe the source material was weak.”

And Santos, unaware that he was woefully out of his depth, replied:

“Clearly you know all about weak acting skills.”

Trixie clapped back with a riff on Santos’ excuse for dressing in drag:

“I am not an actor! I was young and I had fun at a festival!”

Santos did dress in drag but is utterly inept when it comes to shading an actual talented drag queen.

In How Dumb Is Thing 45 News: he’s being sued by E. Jean Carroll for defamation and sexual assault and has repeatedly used the “she’s not my type” excuse to suggest an assault could not have occurred because he would not have pursued her romantically. But, in a deposition at Mar-Illegal last year Thing 45 was shown a picture of a woman and he said:

“That’s Marla, yeah. That’s my wife.”

Except it wasn’t his wife, or even his ex-wife, it was E. Jean Carroll, the woman he said he couldn’t rape because she wasn’t his type … 

Ignacio Ondategui is a fashion and fitness model who is represented by Uno Models, who, well, likes being photographed without clothing. All well and good, but Would You Hit It?

PS Nice that he brought me cakes.

Architecture Wednesday: SoHo Loft

Believe it or not, this home is as old as the Minnesota Manor House from last week, but this isn’t huge, per se, it’s a loft … in the heart of Soho on a picturesque, cobblestoned block between Spring and Prince streets.

This one sits on the 4th floor of a pet-friendly co-op designed by Henry Fernbach in 1883, and it was formerly home to Greene Street Recording Studio of Public Enemy and Sonic Youth fame.

Enter through a key-locked elevator that opens into an airy, open-plan living and kitchen area. Farmhouse-style doors lead to the private spaces of the home, which include office, built-in closets, and in-unit washer/dryer. There are three bedrooms, and just two bathrooms, but it’s a wide-open main room with 11-foot ceilings, floor-to-ceiling windows on both the eastern and western sides of the loft, a rear-facing terrace, original wood columns and beams, walls of exposed brick, and hardwood floors.

And had we moved quicker I could have had it for a shade over $4M.

Dwell

Meme Dump

Falling ... In Four Parts

For a professional dancer, I'm very clumsy; and since I am not a professional dancer, I am very clumsy. Before getting into my latest fall, let's take a glance back at some memorable trips and tumbles and crashes ...

When we lived in Miami, it was in a gated community, which was nice because there wasn't a lot of traffic going through the hood, and lots of people had pets roaming the streets so they were relatively safe. We used to walk our dog, Dengoso ... this was pre-Ozzo ... around the block a few times each day and one day I was taking Dengoso on his morning constitutional; it was a bright, sunny, cool day in South Florida and we were enjoying the journey in solitude. We saw no cars, no people, no other animals out that day; even the birds were quiet.

As we circled the block and headed back, I started to cross the street; naturally I looked for traffic, naturally there was none. We started to cross when it happened.

A pebble, roughly the size of a marble had somehow made its way to the center of the roadway unnoticed and I stepped on it just right. My ankle turned and down I went to the asphalt, letting go of Dengoso's leash. I hit the roadway pretty hard, but I shook it off and started to stand when I saw it ... In our quiet hood, vacant just moments before there were now two cars stopped on either side of me as I lay on the ground and some ten or twelve people also out walking that day; even Dengoso, who made it across the street, sat on the grass, shaking his head at me, too embarrassed to believe what I’d done.

A few years later, we’d moved to Camden, and one day I was unloading the car in the garage. I put a few things away in the garage and then started inside. There are two steps into the house that I have climbed without incident for months and months, but this day  for some reason, one of my feet nipped the lip of the door landing and I began to fall, into the kitchen from the garage steps. As happens when I fall—I don’t know about you—it all goes in very slow motion. I remember the feeling, I remember seeing Tuxedo watching me, wondering if this might be his chance to escape to the outdoors, but mostly I remember looking at the kitchen floor as I was about to hit it and thinking, ‘God, that is ugly flooring.’

The next fall was after we’d had a dead tree taken down in the front yard. We had a friend that wanted the wood and so I was taking the rather large cut sections from the side of the house, across the yard, and setting them on the side of the driveway to be hauled away. I had made several trips and had many more—the tree had been at least forty feet tall—and was walking across the front yard when I stepped into a small divot in the ground and started to go down. My brain told my feet to run faster so I could stand upright and avoid the tumble so I did that awkward kind of falling, kind of running thing for about ten to twelve steps when my brain finally screamed, ‘Fuck it, protect yourself.’ And down I went into the yard … just as our friend pulled in to collect the wood.

This latest fall wasn’t so much a fall as it was, well, I don’t know. Last Monday, Carlos had an appointment  and I had taken the day off to drive him. This time I was walking down the steps into the garage, but, well, even I don’t know what I did. I usually step down right foot first, but for some reason I went left first and then my right foot, confused as to why it was going second, clipped the back of my left leg and I started to fall out of the kitchen into the garage, and onto the concrete floor. I think though it was all ablur, that I tried to grab the door handle, and then tried to step down backwards on my left foot, while the right was in mid-step. But my right foot was not to be outdone by the left, and it hit the concrete first, hard. Luckily I didn’t go down to the concrete, though my right knee did get it twisted and I spent the week hobbling and icing and wrapping and cursing my clumsiness.

Finally, a week later, and while there’s a dull throb, I am funny upright and ready for the next tumble.

What?

The Funny Papers

Michael de Adder, John Branch, Lalo Alcaraz, Rick McKee, Ann Telnaes, Benjamin Slyngstad, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Matt Wuerker, Mike Luckovich, Steve Greenberg, Joe Thibodeau, Darrin Bell, Clay Bennett

Snarky Thoughts

Okay, so Shakira is the latest celebrity to find out that her boyfriend was dipping his wick into another lady’s pond … yes, mixed metaphor, but y’all know what I mean. But Shakira didn’t find out by hacking his phone or hiring a private detective, she used jam. Strawberry jam. Returning to the home she shared with her partner, Shakira saw that someone had been eating her jam, and the boyfriend don’t eat jam … which is a whole other thing … so she knew that the side piece was into the Smucker’s and dumped his sorry ass.

My Thought: Don’t let the side-pieces into the refrigerator if you wanna keep your dalliances a secret. Oh, and the jam don’t lie.

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It’s been a long week for anti-Semite, and future failed presidential candidate Kanye West, what with pissing off his first wife by taking her look-a-like as his second wife that he just didn’t have time to deal with the myriad of legal troubles surrounding him. Like, you know, changing your phone numbers and not telling your legal team, forcing his lawyers to take out ads in two Los Angeles newspapers to let him know they’re quitting him.

My Thought: Jacoby & Meyers, Ye, Jacoby & Meyers; you can probably still afford them.

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Clearly someone is still desperate for attention, and yet, no, this time it isn’t about Madge, though it is Madge adjacent. I guess that even though her last two movies were about weddings, filmed specifically so JLo could give interviews about how she and Ben Affleck fought their way back to one another, that source of media glare dried up so Jennifer Lopez Affleck had to come up with a new plan to get all eyes back on her: she’s claiming that the infamous Madonna, Britney and Christina lip-locks at the 2003 VMA’s was supposed to be Madonna, Britney and JLo, but she couldn’t get the day off of working on a movie to fly to New York and deep throat Madge’s horned tongue.

My Thought: Funny how this story slipped her mind for two decades but she’s just remembered it now that she needs more attention. JLo must be parched.

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ABC News hasn’t commented yet but it seems as if the dust has settled on the married anchors bumping uglies in their off hours and Amy Robach is still employed, but TJ Holmes is out. Now, before anyone says anything about why she gets to keep her job and his adulterous ass has to pound the pavement looking for another gig, know that T.J. has ALLEGEDLY had several affairs with a few other ladies at ABC and so his pattern of schtupping coworkers sent him packing.

 My Thought: wherever TJ lands, it’ll probably be on another woman.

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Last week the Critics’ Choice Awards aired on TV and while several nominees sat out the show after testing positive for COVID, one Cate Blanchett—who skipped the Golden Globes the previous—did appear to collect her trophy for Best Actress Tár. Cate used her time onstage, on TV, in public, accepting her award to tell the crowd that these shows, are a  “televised horse race” and should never happen again, then strode offstage, award in hand.

My Thought: I’m guessing Cate just wanted to go down in  history as the last winner of the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress and had she not won, she would have kept her mouth shut.

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Diddy might be trying to crash Nick Cannon’s Baby Daddy party since he just had a surprise baby to add to his already large family with a woman named Dana Tran while claiming to be both “single” and yet dating rapper Caresha “Yung Miami” Brownlee. And Diddy may wanna rethink this coupling since Yung Miami just revealed on her show Caresha Please that she loves a good old-fashioned Golden Shower.

My Thought: Is that why they call him Pee Diddy?

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