It's Snarkurday!

I’ve often called Helen Mirren the ‘British Meryl Streep’ …or, Streep is the ‘American Mirren.’ Now, however, we have an ‘American Hugh Grant’ in Owen Wilson, a confirmed bachelor who has fathered two sons with two different women.

A la Grant, who recently married one of his Baby Mama’s.

And now it appears Wilson has ALLEGEDLY fathered another child with a third woman and is undergoing a paternity test to see if he is the daddy.

Well, sperm donor. Wilson shares his 7-year-old son, Robert, with his ex-girlfriend Jade Duell, and is also the father of 4-year-old son Finn, with another ex, Caroline Lindqvist, and will no doubt be in this child’s life if Maury opens that envelope and proves he is the father.

But, um, Owen, howsabout not having a slew of children with a slew of women, because you cannot be a full-time daddy to three children by three different women. M’kay?

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Well, there is one anonymous Hollywood publicist who offers one piece of serious advice to his female clients: avoid John Mayer.

Sidenote: I think everyone should heed that advice.

Mayer, who’s dated Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry, is known to be “manipulative,” according to the mysterious PR flack.  Mayer once actually claimed that he didn’t sleep with women of color because his dick was racist and yet he still managed to get girls. The publicist says:

“I tell women in Hollywood to steer clear of him. He’s manipulative. He has a reputation … and it’s better to exercise caution dealing with anybody who kisses and tells.”

And tell and tell and tell and, a la Swifty, write songs about it. Mayer has said that he loved “sexual napalm” Jessica Simpson, has ridiculed Aniston for wanting him to pay as much attention to her as he did to his phone, and, yes, he’s a Taylor Swift song.

Like I said, the world should steer clear.

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Oh Madge, stop; just stop.

This week Madonna and her legal team were told to stop trying to obtain records from the neighbors in her Upper West Side co-op in NYC. It seems Madge stands accused of “harassing” her neighbors by continuing to seek records from the co-op board after losing a lawsuit.

Madonna sued her building, Harperley Hall in 2016 claiming that, because she’s always traveling the world, there was no way she could be in her condo all the time to satisfy the new rules against non-homeowners using the condo. The case got tossed because Madge filed too late and, since Madge doesn’t like being told what to do, so tried to dig up board records including voting information and annual meeting minutes to “investigate how her lease was changed” and “how her family may use Unit 7A without breaching the lease.”

Well, a judge has put the kibosh on Madge trying to harass her neighbors into getting that information:

 “Plaintiff [Madge] does not need those materials anymore to prove a case that, by law, she is no longer allowed to prove.”

In other words, Madge, we’re done.

Take a seat and follow the rules or, as Judge Judy would say:

"Uh, moooooove!”.

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Meanwhile onto other diva news, and by diva, I mean the weave and ass shaking, the lip-syncing, the sell your soul for coins loving, Beyoncé.

This week, while touring with current husband—you know this shiz won’t last—Jay-Z, the stage fucked up, and the only way for Bey to get down was from a ladder. And Bey doesn’t know how ladder works.

Seriously. The Carters were in Warsaw and one of the moving stages had clearly had enough of the gyrating while mouthing the words to her songs and took a break. And the only way for Bey to get down from the stage was if she hiked a leg and went down the ladder her assistants propped against the broken set piece.

And she wasn’t happy, though she pasted ion that trademarked Beyoncé smile™ and, after several minutes of people telling her she’d be fine, she finally hiked her leg up and descended the ladder held steady by about ten minions.

Seriously? Bitch doesn’t know how to use a ladder?

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We already mentioned her once, back in that John Mayer mess, so let’s dish on Jessica Simpson, who’s made a fortune selling shoes but understands her singing and acting career … and that makes me giggle … career …are all but over.

Word on the street is that Simpson has lost all motivation for life, along with husband Eric Johnson, stay home boozing and eating all the time. A source—and you know it’s Jessica herself—says:

“She feels like her acting career over, she’s aged out of Hollywood, and too fat. She doesn’t want to work out like she did before for roles … [She and Eric] rarely leave their huge mansion. And have everything delivered, no matter what it is!”

Now that may seem farfetched …especially the ‘aged out’ of Hollywood part because everyone knows she’s no actress, but what about that singing career? Simpson was ALLEGEDLY offered a Las Vegas residency, but would have had to lose weight for and she didn’t want to do that, so she declined.

And stayed home and ordered pizza.

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The Kardastrophe-Jenners have fired another influential behind-the-scenes person in their entourage: their longtime makeup artist Joyce Bonelli. A statement, no doubt released by That Woman, says:

“The family doesn’t speak to her anymore. She hasn’t worked for them for months. They just stopped working with her because they didn’t see it as a right fit anymore.”

And to make their point, every single Kardastrophe has stopped following Bonelli on Instagram.

The shock! But now the truth comes out … things turned sour last year, when Bonelli ALLEGEDLY “tried to go around them on a deal so the Kardastrophes wouldn’t make money off of it.”

Well, of course, it’s about the coins. How dare one of their employees make money off their name? I mean, they owe Satan a buttload of cash for making them famous. And by ‘Satan,’ I mean, That Woman.

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Mo’Nique has been battling with her Precious director Lee Daniels ever since that movie came out … almost ten years ago.

Damn, girl can hold a grudge. She famously claimed she was blackballed from Hollywood by Daniels for not “playing the game” by demanding to be paid for promoting the film for which she won an Oscar.

Daniels clapped back by saying Mo’Nique had too many “demands” and then Mo’Nique doubled down by adding Oprah and Tyler Perry to the list of people who treated her shabbily.

And now Daniels, who holds a grudge almost as tightly as Mo’Nique spoke again about their feud and asked Mo’Nique to stop blaming him, Oprah, and Tyler Perry for her career crash-and-burn, especially since Lee helped her win that Oscar:

“It breaks my heart that she feels that we blackballed her. No one blackballed her. Mo’Nique blackballed her. And for her to continue to talk about Oprah and myself and Tyler is disrespectful and, yeah, that hurt … I don’t understand her motive. I don’t get it. I really don’t … For her to think that I could do anything but, I don’t know, I don’t, like, it ain’t even worth the conversation. Like, she needs to shut up.”

Daniels oughta take his own advice and whenever Mo’Nique’s name comes up, simply say nothing. I mean, nothing ends a public feud faster than saying nothing. But Mo’Nique has already said she will never stop talking:

“The truth only goes away if we stop talking and y’all and I ain’t gonna stop talking and Lee Daniels, you shut up.”

Seriously? This has devolved into ‘You shut up!’ ‘No, you shut up.’?

Howsabout you both shut up?

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Guy Pearce is the latest person to spill the beans … twenty years later … about Kevin Spacey’s predilection for roaming groping hands.

If you recall, last year Gabriel Byrne revealed that Spacey caused shooting on The Usual Suspects to shut down because of his inappropriate sexual behavior and now Pearce says Spacey got “handsy” with him on the set of L.A. Confidential:

“Amazing actor; incredible actor. Mmm. Slightly difficult time with Kevin, yeah. He’s a handsy guy.”

Mild shade, until Pearce added:

“Thankfully, I was 29 and not 14.”

As a reminder, 14 is how old Anthony Rapp was when Kevin ALLEGEDLY molested him.

So, I’ll say it: I hope authorities come after Spacey with the same vengeance with which they’re gone after Weinstein because he deserves to be punished for being a sexual predator.

UPDATE:

Scotland Yard is investigating 3 more possible sexual assaults by Kevin Spacey:

“Between February and April of this year, police received allegations that the American actor sexually assaulted men in London and Gloucester. This brings the number of claims against Spacey being investigated by London police to six – five complaints of sexual assault and one of assault. The police have not confirmed the name of the person being investigated. Two of the latest allegations are said to have occurred in London – Westminster (1996) and Lambeth (2008) – and the third in Gloucester (2013).”

Perfect.

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It's Snarkurday!

Some celebrities tell everything about their lives, while others try to keep things secret, even when the secret is out of the bag ... Jamie Foxx. Katie Holmes.

See, rumor has it that Jamie and Katie have been a couple almost from the moment she tied Suri’s Prada diapers into a rope ladder and escaped Casa Cruise years back, but the two will never acknowledge their love.

Earlier this month, both Katie and Jamie were in Paris at the same time as Katie’s ex Tom Cruise. Thankfully they didn’t meet up, but Katie and Jamie’s ALLEGED hookup did nothing to stop the talk. And so when a photographer asked about his relationship with Katie, Jamie tried to laugh it off by saying:

“Fake news, fake news.”

But the reporter wondered if that was true, to which Jamie said:

“C’mon ...”

Jamie tried to stop the chat, but then the reporter said that Jamie and Katie “are really cute together” causing Foxx to stammer:

“I’m… Thanks for saying I’m cute.”

Then Jamie entered an elevator and made his getaway.

Look, here’s the deal, Jamie and Kate ... Jatie? Kamie? ... have been seen at various places around the world together and rumor has it they keep it on the down-low because Jamie has respect for Tom  since they starred in a move together 13 years ago and ...

Thirteen years ago? Sheesh, Jamie, get over it; you and Cruise aren’t going to be buddies off-screen or on, so come out on a real date with Katie already.

Tommy can handle it ... he’s got a whole church looking for his next wife.

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Oh Mariah, you really are The Diva of The World.

It seems that Carey was set to film a cameo in an upcoming Will Ferrell/Amy Poehler film, and she was quite the demanding little lamb on-set. Rob Huebel, who is also in the movie, said Mimi was like this:

She was four hours late for her cameo.

She demanded that her trailer be decorated with all white flowers and stuffed lambs.

She refused to sing the song she was hired to sing.

And, when told that they wanted to do a scene that involved her being shot, she refused, saying:

“I don’t think my character would get killed by bullets. What if I deflected them like Wonder Woman?”

Let that sink in ... What.if.I.deflected.them.like.Wonder.Woman?

Seriously? She’s filming a cameo—a one day ­job—and she’s making demands like she’s the star, and we all know about that Glitter bomb she made last time she starred in a  film.

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So, a woman referred to as Jane Doe is suing the production team at America’s Got Talent because, she says, her daughter was traumatized when host Tyra Banks “physically manipulated and verbally abused” the girl. What, did Tyra try to force her "smize" fiercely or something?

Well, according to the 18-page suit it seems that Jane Doe and her husband, John, I’m guessing, were “publicly humiliated” by the AGT  judges and some audience members during a March 19 performance. The duo were performing a song they wrote about motherhood that celebrated their daughter’s birth and the “bond among the members of her family.” The song is apparently a favorite of Jane and John’s daughter, “Mary Doe” but, ALLEGEDLY Banks, the judges and some in the crowd were unmoved.

The suit claims that during the performance, Banks, “an individual acting as an agent of Defendants, physically manipulated and verbally abused Mary. Banks shook Mary’s shoulder, pulled Mary’s hair back and physically manipulated Mary. … Mary did not stop Banks’ conduct because Mary was fearful. Banks also insinuated that Mary was accidentally conceived, made fun of the performance and ridiculed [the song] in front of Mary, all in front of active cameras that were filming Mary. After the performance, Banks asked Mary to describe, in front of active and filming cameras, her opinion about Jane and her husband after they were publicly ridiculed by AGT ... As a result of her negative experience from AGT and Defendants’ abusive treatment, Mary was traumatized and became deeply depressed.”

Jane, John and Mary are seeking a jury trial, claiming intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress along with civil battery and civil assault.

Look, you wanna sue Tyra for being an obnoxious five-headed troll, then you have a case, but if you wanna sue Tyra because she tried to make your daughter look and act like she was a younger Tyra while Tyra played the part of Naomi Campbell, by making her pose and fixing her hair, you might wanna rethink.

Oh, and stay off reality TV.

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The Taylor Swift/Katy Perry Spat is back in the news because Katy has a new album and Taylor has a new boyfriend.

It all started when Taylor claimed that someone ... Katy ... was always being mean to her and that someone ... Katy ... “stole” her backup dancers and tried to ruin her tour.

As with all Swift stories and songs, she’s the victim, until she gets called out on her lies, like when those “stolen” backup dancers say they were never stolen, they just liked Katy ... and her paychecks ... more.

And so Taylor wrote “Bad Blood” about Katy because, well, petty, childish, attention-seeker.

Anyway, this is Year Three of The Feud—and please, Ryan Murphy, do not make this a show—and now that Katy has a new album to promote, she’s talking ... again ... about the beef to James Corden who asked:

“Now, I want to talk to you about some famous beef. Because there’s Taylor beef ... and when are we going to clear that beef up?”

Katy replied:

“Well, there is ... there’s a situation. Honestly, it’s like, she started it and it’s time for her to finish it. It’s about backing dancers. It’s so crazy! OK, so there are three backing dancers that went on tour with her tour, right? And they asked me before they went on tour if they could go, and I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. I’m not on a record cycle ... and she’s great and all that. But I will be on a record cycle in about a year, so be sure to put a 30-day contingency in your contract so you can get out if you want to join me when I say I’m going back on.’ So that year came up ... and I texted all of them ... and I said, ‘Look, just FYI: I’m about to start, I want to put the word out there.’ And they said, ‘All right, we’re going to talk to management about it.’ And they did. And they got fired. And I tried to talk to [Swift] about it, and she wouldn’t speak to me. It was a full shutdown and then she writes a song about me.”

Now Katy says if she were to get a text from Taylor saying “the beef is off the grill,” as Corden put it, she would take that beef off the grill.

And possibly beat Taylor senseless with it so as to start anew feud because without a feud these two would just be two mean girls having a spat.

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A Jessica Simpson interview is usually a mess because, well, she’s kind of an idiot and says really cringe-worthy things ... like on a recent interview with Ellen.

Jessica was there to promote her billion dollar fashion line—she’s the Hillbilly Ivanka where people slave to make clothes and accessories for her slap her name onto—and began by first saying that, for once, she’s not pregnant on an Ellen show because she has a IUD “up there.”

Ellen tried to shift topics to the birthday party Jessica recently threw for her 5-year-old daughter. And Jessica rambled on about renting mermaids for the party and how the mermaids needed to be carried to the bathroom by “manhandlers” since they couldn’t pee on her children in the pool.

WTF?

Ellen again tried to salvage the conversation by asking Jessica how long she’s been with her current husband. Jessica said:

“7 years. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a 7 year relationship, other than with a woman, no, not that, you know!” 

Seriously? I mean, okay, so she’s making millions on a fashion line, but why does she have to take her Paul Abdul Meets Anna Nicole Smith With a Soupçon of Mariah Carey messiness to TV?

Anyone? Anyone?

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You know, you always hear about celebrities who leave big tips for their servers at restaurants, but did you ever hear the story of the waitress who was fired for riding Orlando Bloom’s big, um, tip?

Well, 21-year-old server and aspiring actress ... because, of course ... named Viviana Ross was fired from her job at the Chiltern Firehouse in London after she hooked up with 40-year-old Orlando Bloom.

One night, after her shift, Viviana bumped into Orlando—whom she’s been serving all week—outside the bar and he ALLEGEDLY asked her to come up to his room for a drink.

She said ‘Yes,’ and then went upstairs and let him service her for a change.

The next morning, Orlando left for an interview and Viviana stayed in his room; when the hotel’s general manager entered Orlando’s room he found Viviana naked in his bed and when he asked if she worked there—which she admitted to—the manager left, and an hour later Viviana received a text informing her she had been fired after two months of employment for “fraternizing with clients.”

I think what she actually did was a different ‘f’ word.

Viviana is “hurt” especially since she fucked Orlando while she was off the clock and now has no way to tell him his big tip cost her a job.

But all is not lost, because Orlando heard via social media that his server, er, servicer, had been fired, so he called up the Chiltern Firehouse and asked for Viviana’s phone number so he could apologize.

For the f%k that cost her a job.

Still, now all those who work at the Chiltern Firehouse know the most fun way to get fired ... bang Orlando.

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Dave Annable played the dimwitted, always saying and doing the wrong thing brother on Brothers and Sisters years back and apparently that’s just Dave.

See, when Dave’s wife wouldn’t put out for him, he decided to complain about her ... on Instagram. And even odder is that Dave’s wife, actress Odette Annable, had no issue with letting the world know she wasn’t putting out that night, saying she was “too busy tonight.” 

And so, posting the video from their bed,  Dave says:

“So you can’t just say out of the blue, ‘Dave, I can’t wait to have sex with you, just not tonight.'”

Wow. I started off the snark saying that maybe Jamie and Katie should share their love with the world, but if that means they’d become the new Dave and Odette, I’m thinking the down low is a better place to stay.

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Random Musings

Next Monday I am flying out to Oregon for ten days while my father has knee replacement surgery — his new knew was crafted in Belgium and has just arrived in the good old US of A — and recovers.

I will be away from ISBL for that time, but I do have some planned posts; I may be around, but then again, with Dad and his dog and things to take care of, I probably won’t, so, please, y’all play nice.

Oh, and since I won’t get home until the 11^th of November, I need to say two more things:

Number 1: VOTE,

And B] VOTE BLUE.

And that's exactly what i did this morning before work ... voted to elect our first female President of the United States!

In case anyone ever doubted that Sean Hannity is a fucking asshole, here’s a little something he said recently:

“I have an offer for the president. I will charter a plane for you and your family. I will make sure it’s as big a plane as Air Force One, what you have grown accustomed to, in other words. Taxpayer-funded plane.”

And we’ll stop, because apparently Hannity is pissed that the Obama’s fly on the taxpayer funded Air Force as ALL presidents do because they’re a Black family?

“I don’t know where I’m going to get it. Maybe I’ll ask Trump if I can charter his plane for Obama. I will charter Donald Trump’s plane if he’ll let me, and I will charter it to the country of your choice.”

And we'll stop again; a Trump plane? Make sure it hasn’t gone belly-up first.

“You want to go to Canada? I’ll pay for you to go to Canada. You want to go to Kenya? I’ll pay for you to go to Kenya. Jakarta, where you went to school back in the day, you can go back there.”

Again with the stopping; racist ignorant fuck. Racist.Ignorant.Fuck.

“Anywhere you want to go. I’ll put the finest food, caviar, champagne, you name it. I have one stipulation, you can’t come back.”

Hey Sean, if you’re so disgusted by the Obama’s why don’t you charter a Trump plane and fly it to Hell and never come back.

Racist.Ignorant.Fuck.

Mariah Carey in her Halloween outfit … or what she’ll wear to work when her singing career ends and she becomes a stripper at The Pole off Route One.

Jessica Simpson, not in a Halloween costume, but in street wear that makes her look like the biggest idiot who ever walked the earth.

Bill Cornwell and Tom Doyle lived together in a brownstone that Bill Cornwell owned in the West Village for over five decades. Their enduring love never seemed to them to need codification — not to mention that for most of their relationship, same-sex marriage was illegal.

Bill Cornwell died two years ago at age 88 and in his will he bequeathed the small apartment building to Tom Doyle, above, but Bill’s nieces and nephews, The Greedy Heartless Fucks, are disputing the will.

See, when Bill Cornwell crafted the will about ten years ago, he wanted all his possessions, including the three-story, four-unit building, to go to his Tom Doyle But a mistake was made when just one person witnessed the signing of the will — New York requires two witnesses — and so that simple error allowed The Greedy Heartless Fucks to swoop in and claim the building as their inheritance — ignoring their uncle’s wishes — and put the building up for sale; it is now under contract.

Now Tom Doyle, who is 85, has no place to live and has to leave the home he has lived in for half a century.

“I’m not so concerned about the money, I’m more concerned about a roof over my head for the rest of my life, and I wouldn’t have to be in a nursing home. As long as I am here, I have all the familiar surroundings. It’s almost as if Bill is still here.” — Tom Doyle

The dispute has now shifted to court.

Carole DeMaio, one of the nieces, one of The Greedy Heartless Fucks, said her uncle never took the necessary steps to make sure everything went to Tom Doyle, including not marrying him, because he did not want to.

“He had 50 years to put Tom’s name on any of these papers. The will was never a valid will.”

And this bitch now says the two men were just “friends” or “great companions” who shared a one bedroom apartment for fifty-five years!

There is one niece, Shelia McNichols, not one of The Greedy Heartless Fucks, who had attempted to abide by her uncle’s wishes and assigned her piece of the inheritance to Tom Doyle, but the rest of Mr. Cornwell’s relatives chose not to go along because the building is worth $7 million dollars and that’s more than they cared about their uncle and his lifelong partner.

The Greedy Heartless Fucks.

Hot Men …

Yes, he’s been here before but I cannot get over how adorkable Cory Michael Smith is as Edward Nygma, AKA The Riddler, on Gotham. I just love a dork … ask Carlos.

Also, Andre Holland, of American Horror Story, My Roanoke Nightmare, who plays the real Matt — while Cuba Gooding Jr. plays the re-enactor documentary Matt. He was also in The Knick and Selma and is just delicious.

Just sayin’.

Sidenote: how great has American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare and American Horror Story: Return to Roanoke, Three Days In Hell been this season.

Seriosuly; last night I jumped, shrieked a little, and held my hands over my eyes.

Loving it!

Serial Adulterer Newt Gingrich appeared on Megyn Kelly’s Fox News show and went a little unhinged when Kelly wanted to talk Donald J. Groper. He accused Kelly of being obsessed with sex — says the man who tried to unseat a president for having an affair while he, himself was having an affair on his ill wife — and Gingrich came a little unhinged asking Kelly to say the words, “Bill Clinton is a sexual predator,” over and over again.

Kelly said, instead, “We’ll leave you to deal with your anger issues.”

Score Kelly!