It's Snarkurday!

So it took years, longer than they were married, in fact, for Bethenny Frankel, of the Real Housewives New York,  and Jason Hoppy to finalize their divorce because she had a lot of money and he wanted a lot of money, but it appears that the divorce decree didn’t stop the madness.

Hoppy was arrested last Friday and charged with harassing and stalking  Frankel after he ALLEGEDLY—though there are witnesses—showed up to their 6-year-old daughter’s school and screamed at his ex:

“I will destroy you.”

Now that’s a line that nearly ever Real Housewife has uttered so maybe Hoppy’s auditioning for the show since his coins have stopped rolling in?

And it appears that this isn’t the first time Hoppy got hoppin’ mad; last Fall, Frankel’s current man, Dennis Shields, got his lawyers to serve Hoppy with a cease and desist after Hoppy sent out a bunch of craycray emails to both Frankel and Shields.

Hoppy gave the cease-and-desist no mind and kept on emailing the ex and when that garnered no reaction, he followed her to their daughter’s school and went all Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan on Frankel’s ass and that’s when police snatched him up.

Sadly, Hoppy then asked Frankel for bail money, I think, because he has no more money.

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The Grammy Awards are down three stars! Justin Bieber, Kanye West and Drake aren’t coming.

We know Kanye isn’t coming because he’s a big ass baby.

Justin is staying at his crib—and by crib, I mean an actual crib—because the Grammy’s don’t recognize no-talent losers; he worded it differently, as in the Grammy’s don’t recognize “young talent”, but I paraphrased for you.

Drake isn’t coming because JLo grounded him after the pictures of his date with the porn star surfaced.

So sad that these three won’t be there because ... oh who cares, it’ll be a better show without them.

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Azealia Banks, former rapper and now professional malcontent, has tried to up her relevance by taking to Twitter to approve of _____’s Muslim ban; if _____ had only offered up a Banks ban, I would’a been all over it and stayed at the airport waving goodbye to both Tyra and Azealia.

It started on Twitter when Rihanna announced that she was sickened by _____’s ban:

“Disgusted! The news is devastating! America is being ruined right before our eyes! What an immoral pig you have to be to implement such BS!!”

Azealia saw that and figured she had nothing better to do—she has no career to speak of, unless acting the fool is a job—responded with:

“As far as Rihanna (who isn’t a citizen, and can’t vote) and all the rest of the celebrities who are using their influence to stir the public, you lot really REALLY need to shut up and sit down. Stop chastising the president. It’s stupid and pathetic to watch. All of these confused people confuse other confused people.”

RiRi and Azealia went back and forth, with Banks accused Rihanna of f**king for drugs and tracks.

Then RiRi Tweeted a screen shot of a text that Azealia sent her, exposing Azealia’s phone number, and Azealia returned the favor.

Seriously? Azealia Banks has Rihanna’s phone number? Girl? Scrub that phone because no one needs crazy trying to text them.

I mean, first Chris Brown and now Azealia Banks?

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Robin “One Plagiarized Hit Wonder” Thicke and Paula Patton’s custody fight is ugly. She accused him of physically abusing her and their 6-year-old son, and was awarded temporary custody of the boy, and was granted a restraining order against Robin. 

But even after that victory, Patton then accused Thicke of being a cokehead and violent, cheating douche ... well, the accusation of being a cheat is valid, but the drug abuse is all ALLEGATION.

But, Paula says that Robin actually invited his drug dealer to his son’s 5th birthday party, though nothing happened like Robin didn’t offer coke to five-year-olds instead of offering Coke™ to five-year-olds.

Paula also claims Robin’s manager quit in 2009 because his drug use was out of control, and that the drug abuse messed with his ability to cheat on her.

Huh? Paula says that on Valentine’s Day 2013, she and Robin had sex Chateau Marmont and then later that same night he tried to f**k some girl in the other bedroom of their suite while she was asleep:

“When I confronted Robin about this, he admitted to attempting to have sex with the stranger, but stated that he ended up being unable to do so because of the amount of cocaine that he used that evening had caused him to be unable to perform.”

Paula says Robin admitted to having unprotected sex with seven women causing her to be tested for STDs.

Paula also claims that after the 2013 MTV VMAs, she came back to their hotel to find Robin in bed with two naked women.

Paula says that while Robin was getting a massage at their home in 2013, she noticed he was hitting on the massage therapist.  When she caught him, he became verbally abusive and she fled to another room; he chased her down and broke the door down.

Paula says, Paula claims. Paula needs to keep her mess out of the news and think about her little boy one day reading all the nasty things she says Daddy did, be they true or not.

Take a breath, Paula, and ask the judge to seal all the court documents.

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It’s long been ALLEGED that Kevin Spacey is a Friend of Dorothy ... that he could have a show on Bravo ... that he’s a homo and now comes this bizarre take.

On his Instagram page, George Stults, who was on 7th Heaven, posted a picture of Kevin posing near Sunset Strip bar Rock & Reilly’s and George reminisced about IT LIKE THIS:

“Love to see the very first man to hit on me in Hollywood supporting @rockandreillys we intimately met while @geoffmstults were catering the premier for the fight club. #ididnotdropthesoap #hicuteboy @rae0890”

Huh? The ALLEGED reminiscence was accompanied by a middle finger emoji. 

So, Kevin Spacey hit on a cater waiter? That’s tacky. Everyone knows that in Hollywood you hit on bartenders or masseurs.

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It costs a ton to make Ben Affleck happy and when you lose all that money what do you do?

Affleck’s Live By Night was his directorial follow-up to the Oscar-winning Argo but Live By Night was a mess and literally bombed at the box office but ...

... because Affleck’s Batman v. Superman made a ton of money, and The Accountant also did well, Warner Bros gave Affleck $65 million to make Live By Night, plus another ten million to promote it and now it seems like Warner’s will be taking a $75 million dollar loss because they wanted to keep Affleck happy.

Look, if you wanna keep Affleck happy give him a case of scotch, a deck of cards and a stripper. Surely that wouldn’t have set Warner’s back seventy-five million.

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It appears that the Made-For-TV Relationship of Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton might have run its course, and that now Blake is trying Boot Scootin’ Boogie his way away from Gwen.

Shelton’s Doing It To Country Songs tour starts this month and runs through September and he ALLEGEDLY doesn’t want Gwen to tag along. He’s tried to tell her that she would be bored if she came along and I kinda believe that; I mean, seeing Blake Shelton even once in concert might tempt me to hurl myself off a freeway overpass, but seeing him live for eight months?

Child, please.

This could be true, or it could be false, but given that Gwen and Blake have created this relationship on stunts, I’m thinking maybe the ardor has cooled.

But that could be a bonus, because they could each release new albums of sad songs about how their Made-For-TV love didn’t last.

And, again, I’m bored.

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For well over a year. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard have been at war about money and things and control.

Amber finally won earlier this year when a judge finalized their divorce and ordered Johnny to cough up the seven million bucks he owes.

But will he? I mean, now there are all kinds of stories about Depp and his money troubles.

After selling off artwork and property and then nickel-and-diming Amber over the settlement, Depp’s Second String of lawyers filed suit against his managers at The Management Group [TMG]. Depp accused them grossly mismanaging his money and basically losing tens of millions of dollars on bad investments and overbilling.

Gurl, please; TMG is not playing and they have countersued and provided details of their countersuit saying that Johnny Depp has a long history of extravagant spending on staff, real estate—he owns some fourteen properties around the world—and other things.

While Depp claims that TMG collected $28 million in contingent fees he never agreed to, consistently failed to file or pay his taxes, failed to keep proper books and loaned nearly $10 million of his money to third parties without authorization, TMG countered with this:

“Depp lived an ultra-extravagant lifestyle that often knowingly cost Depp in excess of $2 million per month to maintain, which he simply could not afford. Depp, and Depp alone, is fully responsible for any financial turmoil he finds himself in today.”

Among the examples of excess:

$75 million spent on 14 residences

$18 million spent on a luxury yacht

$30,000 per month spent on wine

$3 million to blast the ashes of author Hunter Thompson from a specially-made cannon over Aspen.

Seriously? $30,000 a month on wine? Is that bad?

Asking for a friend.

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It's Snarkurday!

During last week’s Lindsay Lohan Check-In we found that the cracktress had indeed arrived in Brooklyn — albeit two hours late — to begin her long overdue community service at the Brooklyn Duffield Community Center, and if she can just keep it together for two weeks, she’ll be all caught — 

Oh hell, who am I kidding? This is Lohan. She won’t get it done because she’ll get sick, or someone will take her picture, or her Mom will get drunk or Dad will get arrested and she won’t go back to the children and the DA of Los Angeles County might actually throw her skank-ass into jail, except … Lohan don’t do jail, and so she just might runway to Monaco.

She says a very rich “friend” — a john — who owns a hotel in Monaco, who will let her stay for free—in exchange for, perhaps, a cut of her coins from hotel guests who like a little Lindsay in their rooms—and she’ll take him up on it. And since the US cannot be bothered to extradite cracktresses for reckless driving misdemeanors, the authorities cannot touch her.

All I gotta say is: watch your backs, people of Monaco!

Short bite …

The promoters of the Cannes Film Festival have instituted a new rule this year: high heels must be worn on the red carpet.

It’s known in Cannes as The Tom Cruise Rule.

This one just gives me The Itches ….

Alan Thicke and his wife Tanya Callau announced that when they want to get their groove on in the boudoir, they slip a little Robin Thicke into the eight-track player and bang the night away.

Yup, Alan Thicke and the missus do the nasty while listening to Alan’s son sing.

Did you throw up a little in your mouth … too?

Short Bite …

Jessica Alba may quit acting:

“It’s tempting to leave acting completely and focus on my company. It’s definitely more fulfilling. And when I put my time into it, I feel like I’m doing something that’s productive and there’s a real outcome. With entertainment, I feel like you’re just throwing stuff against the wall and you don’t know if anyone’s going to see it.”

I guess she didn’t get the email from Acting that it had quit her a couple of years ago?

Look, I’ll just come out and say it: I feel Blister Palin’s pain. Getting married is hard; there are lots of questions to ask your fiancé, and lots of things to get figured out before you say ‘I do.’ I mean, look at Carlos and me; we waited fourteen years to get married because … well, okay, it was illegal most of the time so, yeah, I guess I’m not feeling Blister’s pain after all.

See, in March, Blister announced her engagement to one Dakota Meyer, a US Marine and recipient of the Medal of Honor, and that whole Palin clan took to social media to talk about the hero marrying their little unwed mother.

It was beautiful … except … it looks like Dakota forgot to mention he’d already taken a wife. Yup; apparently, he married a young woman in 2008, but the marriage fell apart quickly and they were divorced after a few years but it seems he never told Blister.

And then, one of his ex-wife’s friends called Dakota out on social media and now Blister’s marriage is off, though they still plan on having a party because, well, there’s booze and soldiers and that’s how the Palin’s roll, at least according to Mama Grizzly Bore™ who took to social media to break the news:

“Bristol and Dakota couldn’t be more thankful for the love and support of family and friends over the past months while preparing for their wedding. They have informed loved ones that unfortunately the announced celebration planned for May 23 will not be held.”

Of course, not to be outdone by Mama, Blister released her won statement:

“Regarding salacious headlines in recent days about ‘secret wives,’ Dakota and I discussed our past relationships prior to our engagement. Dakota was legally divorced years ago, as any good reporter could and should have disclosed to readers. As usual, false stories and dramatically written headlines begging controversy should be disregarded, and we have faith that our privacy will be respected at this time by those with decency.”

Nice try, Blister, because it was just as the story broke that you called off your little wedding, so how “in the know” were you?

Uh huh.

Short bites …

Maggie Gyllenhaal is saying that she wasn’t hired for the part of the love interest for a fifty-five year old actor because, at age 37, she was deemed “too old.”

That sounds about right, because, at 37, she should be playing the mother of the love interest of a fifty-five year old man.

Oh Hollywood, you ageist, misogynistic bitch.

Gosh I love Helen Mirren, and even more so now because she has a fabulous sense of humor.

Mirren is appearing on Broadway on ‘The Audience,’ where she is once again playing Queen Elizabeth of England, and last week during a scene where she’s speaking to one of her prime ministers, she says, “Well, you are better off with me than with what they have over there.”

Then she zeroes in on a pair of audience members: Bill and Hillary Clinton.

And the entire audience roared.

The Clinton’s visited Mirren backstage, and probably told her they enjoyed the joke. 

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

At a recent concert in Sydney, Kanye Kardastrophe, nee West, called out a pair of fans for not standing up while he was pontificating. Trouble was, one fan had a prosthetic limb, and the other was in a wheelchair.

Uh huh. Kanye — who once sang, er, spoke, “They tryna put me on the schoolbus with the space for the wheelchair” — stopped his show cold after discovering that some audience members weren’t standing up to honor him for all that he is, or at least all that his Krazy Brain thinks he is.

Stopping the show, he ALLEGEDLY said, “I can’t do this song. I can’t do this show until everybody stand up… Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit. Imma see you if you ain’t standing up, believe me, I’m very good at that.”

And from there it got worse; most of his fans got up — because they’re sheep — but Kanye soon noticed two fans who stayed seated and he refused to continue the show until they stood up and danced like everyone else.

One of the fans took off her prosthetic leg — shades of RHoNY for all you RHoNY-ites — and proved she did have a “handicap pass” and Kanye said, oh so gallantly, “Okay, you fine.”

English is not his official language. But then KrayKrayKanye stared at the other fan, still seated … oh the nerve … and said, “This is the longest I’ve had to wait to do a song, it’s unbelievable.”

People in the audience tried to tell the megalomaniac that he was talking to a fan in a wheelchair — even miming wheelchair signs with their arms — but Kanye wasn’t to be placated. He actually sent a bodyguard into the crowd to confirm that the seated fan was, in fact, in a wheelchair.

Then he said, “He is in a wheelchair? It’s fine!”

Bless you, Motherf%er.

And, of course, after the story went viral, he sent his Flying Monkey, AKA Missus Kanye Kardastrophe, out to do damage control. She chimed in like this on WheelChairGate:

“What an amazing Australian tour! Its [sic] frustrating that something so awesome could be clouded by lies in the media. Kanye never asked anyone in a wheel chair to stand up & the audience videos show that. He asked for everyone to stand up & dance UNLESS they were in a wheel chair. #JustWantedEveryoneToHaveAFunNight #TheMediaTwistsThings”

Funny, though, that’s not what the audience says, Kimmy.

Still, she is kinda right, he never asked “anyone in a wheelchair to stand up” but he did stop his show until everyone stood up, and continued to stop the show until he was made aware of a girl with prosthetic limbs and a man in a wheelchair.

Kim and Kanye are both so ridiculously self-involved, and self-important that they would never consider the idea that perhaps he shouldn’t have stopped the entire show because of a couple people didn’t stand for him.

Maybe they, like most rational folks didn’t stand for him because they actually can’t stand him.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a big star, with the big arms and the big legs and the big chests and the big head to go with it.

For years he has wanted to play a villain in a James Bond film because his grandfather, Peter Maivia, did it in 1967’s You Only Live Twice, but it never happened for The Rock. Until now … and then it was gone. I mean, he had the job; he’d be in a Bond film; he’d be the bad guy. So what happened? The Rock’s big headed demand for a big payday.

An industry insider — insider, so you know it isn’t Lohan — says, “Dwayne asked for more money than Daniel Craig gets to play Bond!”

Yup, the guy who wanted to play a secondary character in a Bond film wanted more money than the guy that plays Bond. It just proves that even though The Rock has a big head, and bigger ego, he has a very tiny brain.

Okay, so a few years back Hugh Grant got a ladyfriend pregnant. The lady was Tinglan Hong, and the couple had some sort of friends-with-benefits-casual-dating thing going on until the knock-up happened. Grant bought the Baby Mama a nice mansion in which to live and raise his mistake, er, child, a daughter named Tabitha Grant. And then, seven months later Grant apparently accidentally knocked up his “friend” again! And she subsequently gave birth to a son, Felix Chang Hong Grant.

Now, in the midst of knocking up his casual date twice Grant impregnated a Swedish woman named Anna Eberstei, who gave birth to a boy whose name we do not know — perhaps she wasn’t as close a friend as Tinglan?

But Hugh once again purchased a home for Anna, another mansion apartment close to his mansion, but not too close to his other Baby Mama’s manse, if you get my meaning.

Yup, casual dating lead to Hugh Grant becoming a father at the age of 54 three times in just fifteen months!

Straight people. But, think of it this way, go on a date with Hugh Grant, get knocked up, and you get a mansion.

And you get a mansion! And you get a mansion!

God, I love, and fear, Martha Stewart. She is not playing with anyone. You hear that Goop?

Apparently, Martha Stewart sat down for an interview with Net-a-Porter’s Porter Magazine and some of her more delicious, home-cooked quotes have leaked online, the best ones about a certain sex-crazed, recently uncoupled “star” who wants to dethrone Queen Martha.

Yup, here’s what Martha Stewart said about Gwyneth Paltrow:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

Oh for the love of the Baby Jeebus, where to begin? With Gwynnie being told to zip it? Yeah, that’s good. But the snark about ‘if’ she were confident in her acting. Suh-nap!

Lindsay Lohan is at it again, y’all.

No, not getting arrested. No, not back in rehab. No, not drunk in a nightclub … okay, maybe that last one is true, but what Lindsay is really up to again is telling more of her cracked out lies and this one’s a doozy.

Remember when Lohan violated her probation in 2011 by driving drunk again, and she was sentenced to four months of community service at the L.A. County Morgue? Well, she was sent to work in the morgue, because the judge wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving. Sounds like a good idea, and would probably work for most people, but since the corpses didn’t speak, or talk back, Lindsay felt like she was the queen bee on a film set somewhere.

Now, though, while talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to ruin next month, there was some mention of her morgue duties and Lohan let it slip that she had personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag through the building.

I bet she was the one that snapped that picture the family sued about, eh?

Lohan; dropping dead people’s name just for the attention except … It was a lie, like most words that fall out of the Lohan Cake-Hole.

See, there are pictures of Lindsay in New York — three thousand miles away — on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston in LA, and now an official from the Coroner’s Office says that Houston’s body was never in a bag and that no one in the probation program — even seven time loser Lindsay Lohan — came in contact with Whitney’s body.

God, is there anything this woman won’t do or say to keep her name in the press? Lying about a woman’s dead body in an article to publicize the next job from which she’ll be fired?

Speaking of doing or saying anything to keep your name in the press: Beyoncé.

We all heard the rumors of the Bey-Jay-Sol Elevator-palooza and then the rumors of the Bey-Jay divorce. Well, now it appears that Beyoncé’s father is saying that both events were calculated and planned to sell more tickets to their combined “On The Run” tour because, you know, being talented isn’t enough to put butts in seats.

And they may be at it again since all these new pictures of Beyoncé are coming out implying that she may be pregnant again. She's been seen getting off planes and boarding yachts doing the Hold-Your-Stomach-Because-You're-Pregnant walk. Uh huh.

And, naturally, even Jay Z got into the act of self-involved-promotion by changing the rap during one of their final “On The Run” concerts in Paris when, rather than saying “N***** asking if the oven’s on” he said “N***** asking, cause she pregnant with another one”.

Yeah, more hype, more press because, even though the tour is over, there’s still that HBO show coming up and they want butts in seats so they’ll do and say anything to do it.

Do I think Beyoncé is “pregnant” again? Nope. This is just more publicity and more sleight of hand and more of The Carters playing the press to make some coins.

Luckily they’ll never get any from me.

Robin Thicke is a douche; a cheater; a mildly talented hack who had a hit song not because it was a good song but because he showed nekkid women in the video. Sheesh, maybe he took that class on self-promotion form the Bey-Jay College?

Anyway, after 2013 being a big year, with a big hit, and Miley’s ass on his crotch, 2014 isn’t so fun for Robin. His wife, Paula Patton, has grown tired of his cheating ass and kicked him to the curb; he wrote an entire album of Forgive me! Take me Back! I love you! songs for an album called “Paula” that flopped worse than, well, his marriage; he made in his film debut in Making the Rules and the movie went straight to VOD.

Yeah, it’s not his year, so what should he do? Well, maybe try to play off’a 2012 and 2013 to keep his floundering career afloat?

When his nekkid women song, “Blurred Lines’ was released, Robin Thicke and Pharrell and T.I. instantly filed a pre-law lawsuit to protect themselves after people noticed that the song was a rip-off of Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Give It Up.” And Marvin’s family countersued and when they filed for summary motion last week, Robin gave a crazy-assed deposition that has been made public.

Thicke initially said that he co-wrote the song with Pharrell — he even said he wrote it for Paula because “She’s my good girl” — and said he and Pharrell purposely fashioned the song after Gaye’s classic.

Now, though, he changing his story. Now he says he had nothing to do with writing the song, and says that he only ever said he wrote it, and wrote it for his wife, and stole it from Marvin, because he was high on Vicodin. Uh huh.

Here are deposition highlights:

Q: Were you present during the creation of ‘Blurred Lines’?

Thicke: I was present. Obviously, I sang it. I had to be there.

Q: When the rhythm track was being created, were you there with Pharrell?

Thicke: To be honest, that’s the only part where — I was high on Vicodin and alcohol when I showed up at the studio. So my recollection is when we made the song, I thought I wanted — I — I wanted to be more involved than I actually was by the time, nine months later, it became a huge hit and I wanted credit. So I started kind of convincing myself that I was a little more part of it than I was and I — because I didn’t want him — I wanted some credit for this big hit. But the reality is, is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song.”

I guess to Robin Thicke being “in the room” means you co-wrote the song … when you’re high.

Still, for whatever reason, Pharrell gave Thicke a co-writer credit — meaning he got about 25% of the royalties — and he happily took the cash for Vicodin and booze and hookers and upcoming alimony payments.

But the best part of his “testimony” was when he said his wife left him because he lied about helping to write the song not because he’s an adulterer.

Perhaps his next song should be Still Douche-y After All These Years.