Snarky Thoughts

We all know Matthew Perry was a raging drug and alcohol addict while on Friends but we know more now because he’s written a book to tell us … like how he wished death upon Keanu Reeves. Perry was online bitch-slapped for the part in his memoir where he wonders why actors like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die too soon, but “Keanu Reeves still walks among us” and offered up some BS apology saying he just grabbed a name out of the sky and it turned out to be Keanu Reeves.

My Thought: Sorry, Matthew but why not say “And yet I still walk among you.” I mean after decades of rampant drug use and, in your own words, nearly $9,000,000 spent on rehab stays, you are lucky to still be walking, so, yeah, to paraphrase the immortal Chris Crocker, “Leave Keanu alone!”

photo

A year ago, all anyone could talk about was Adele’s long awaited fourth album, 30, and its first single. ‘Easy On Me.’ But then the second single was supposed to be ‘I Drink Wine’ … AKA My Personal Theme Song … and we got ‘Oh My God’ instead. Well, now ‘I Drink Wine’ was released Adele gave an interview where she said Taylor Swift is one of the greatest songwriters of our generation.

My Thought: Perhaps Adele should rename the song, ‘I Drank Too Much Wine And Spewed Some Shiz.’

photo

Dame Judi Dench recently wrote an op-ed for The Sunday Times taking Netflix to task for ALLEGEDLY playing fast and loose with the facts on The Crown. And apparently she has that much power because Netflix has added a disclaimer to season five indicating that anything you might hear … like former Prince, now King, Charles, while still married to Diana,  telling his mistress Camilla that he wanted to be reincarnated as a tampon so he could live inside her … is a “fictional dramatization” of events that may or may not be true … even if you heard the words committed to tape for all the world to hear.

My Thought: Netflix backed down, but shaded Dame Judi by revealing that she was in talks to play The Queen Mother during the fifth Tampon Season but turned it down because she wasn’t getting as many coins as Imelda Staunton, who plays The Queen. The Queen Mother role then went to Marcia Warren, who had no issue with the paycheck.

photo

Big surprise … Gisele Bündchen  and Tom Brady’s marriage is over and has been for several weeks now as their lawyers have already hammered out a settlement and reached an agreement on property and custody of their two children. Gisele filed documents in Florida today and Tom sat on his hands and Boom! they’re done.

My Thought: How many minutes until Tom gets a twenty-something model on his arm because you know he’s all about the trophy!

photo

If you had Armie Hammer’s new career as “timeshare salesman” on your Hollywood Career Change Bingo Card, you are a winner. Yes, after Armie’s career died amid the accusation of being a cannibalistic sexaholic and the horrid box office of Death on the Nile, Hammer worked as a timeshare salesman in the Cayman Islands. Perhaps he needed the coins because, like Tori Spelling—wow, not even six degrees separate Tori and Armie—American Express says he’s been dodging a $67,000 credit card balance, and they’re taking him to court over it.

My Thought: Cannibalism doesn’t pay enough to pay the AMEX.

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

File this under: Not Buying It.

Apparently acting driftwood, Kristen Stewart is getting “Oscar buzz” for her performance as Princess Diana in Spencer, but she wants y’all to know she does not “give a shit” about winning an Oscar and added:

“I do not want to seem like an ass, but it’s so embarrassing and so tiring. It is highly political. You have to go talk to people. You feel like you’re a diplomat.”

Funny, though, that Stewart did a Q&A with Academy members after a screening of Spencer.

Yeah, she doesn’t want an Oscar, but, you know, just in case, sign her up to talk to Academy members.

photo

Well, this had me confused … Tori Spelling, who has a plastic surgeon on speed dial, recently revealed that she’s having breast implant removal surgery.

I mean, I thought Tori and boobs and removed and assumed that meant she was divorcing Dean McDermott. I mean, he’s such a boob, right?

Still, I wonder why it’s taken Tori so long to get her implants removed, and then I realized that with her history of not paying her bills, the surgeon probably demanded she have a credit card on file.

PS Seeing that picture, I wonder if she had the implants moved to her lips.

photo

I guess Chrissy Teigen’s trying to make she isn’t outdone by the likes of Tori Spelling because this week Teigen, the most bored housewife, revealed she had an eyebrow transplant.

See, Chrissy wanted fuller brows and so she had the transplant, revealing it on Instagram because that’s where she lives:

“I never wear makeup if I can avoid it … [hold for laughter] … so I was so excited for this eyebrow transplant surgery. A little dark from the pencil but its [sic] so cool to have brows again.”

They took hair from the back of Chrissy’s head and shoved them into her face.

Now all she has to worry about if that bald spot on the back of her melon.

photo

While we wait for the criminal justice system to do something about serial sexual predator and Kevin Spacey, at least the powers-that-be on his old show, House of Cards, have stepped up to punish the perv.

It was announced that Spacey and two of his companies, M. Profitt Productions and Trigger Street Productions, must pay $31 million to the production company behind House of Cards for violating their sexual harassment policy in a judgement that comes after two years of arbitration between Spacey and MRC, the production company.

This is all the result of a 2017 CNN report which detailed that Spacey—star and an executive producer of House of Cards—had created a “toxic” environment by making crude comments and engaging in non-consensual touching of young male staffers, citing eight production sources. Spacey was immediately suspended pending an internal investigation and then fired from the show. And now he has to scrape together 31 million coins.

Good.

photo

You don’t mess with Adele and her music.

Rumor Has It … see what I did there … that Adele’s newest song, “Go Easy On Me,” was Spotify’s most-listened-to track in a single day. And while that made the star happy, the idea that you can listen to her new album 30 on shuffle, didn’t sit well with her, and so Adele Tweeted:

“We don’t create albums with so much care and thought into our track listing for no reason. Our art tells a story and our stories should be listened to as we intended. Thank you Spotify for listening.”

And quicker than you can say Rollin’ in the Deep the “shuffle” icon no longer appears within the larger “play” icon as it usually does during Album View on Spotify, who Tweeted back to Adele:

“Anything for you.”

To be fair, premium users can still access the shuffling function through the individual track list view … until Adele reads this.

photo

Random Musings

I cannot get over the hypocrisy of a president who tells the Syrian people, including the children, they cannot come here because they come from terrorist countries, and then he drops bombs on Syria because Syria gassed those same Syrian people and their babies.

If he’d just let them in ....

Adele just broke a record set by Carole King’s Tapestry; Adele’s 21 has been on the Billboard Top 200  for 320 weeks now besting  Tapestry’s 318 weeks ... and 21 still sits at #103.

It was a long run for King, but now Adele rules.

Carlos had a birthday over the weekend and all he wanted was some new pants and a few new shirts, so I took him shopping on Saturday to get some new duds.

Once home, he swore he would “thin the herd” in his closet and while I was working on the computer he came into the office and said,

“Should I keep these?”

“These” were pair of gauzy white pants that were nearly sheer, and that looked like they, at one time, had a drawstring waist; so I replied,

“Sure, if you’re going as Don Johnson from Miami Vice this Halloween.”

For some reason he stomped off ...

Howsabout that United passenger that was dragged off the flight because United overbooked the flight and needed to make room for some United employees to get to Louisville?

As I said on Facebook, they ought to change their name to  UnAmerican Airlines or, if I had been the passenger they dragged off the plane, they should rebrand as Bob Airlines cuz I’d own that sh*t.

Little Donald Trump Jr. said he won’t run for governor of New York in 2018 which is good because no one asked him.

Oh, and the state of New York berated a yuuuuge sigh of relief.

Alabama Governor Robert Bentley resigned this week after it was revealed he embezzled state funds to cover-up his affair with aide Rebekah Mason.

Bentley was married for fifty-plus years until his wife found out about his cheating ass, and he used to be a Baptist Deacon and he stood strong against same-sex marriage because marriage is between one man and one woman ... and his mistress, I guess.

Now, I know there are Democrats who lie, cheat and steal, but doesn’t it always seem like its Republicans who get busted for being lying, cheating, stealing, religious bigoted hypocrites?

Yeah, I know, Tuxedo was here last week, but then he did this ... as I was getting ready for work yesterday he decided to nap in the bathroom window. But then stretched out on his back and twisted his body and when I walked in he held out his front legs to me and meowed like a little kid who wanted to be picked up.

I thought maybe he’d gotten himself twisted in the window and was having a hard time getting down, so I scooped him up, gave him a smooch and set him down.

So he could climb back into the window, turn on his back, twist his torso, hold out his paws and say, “Meowwww.” to me.

Apparently this will be a new game ....

Note to Sean Spicer: rule #1 of being a political spokes-tool, even for the Hair Furor, is that you never compare the leader of a country, no matter how despicable, to Hitler by using the phrase “at least Hitler didn’t ..."

And what was that holocaust Center business? Did Hitler escape the bunker, flee to Argentina, then return to Germany to work as a tour guide at Auschwitz?

Seriously, you’d think a spokes-tool could actually speak.

Last week, whilst watching SNL, I was once again struck by the idea that Colin Jost, of ‘Weekend Update’ fame, is kinda hot; and since he’s also funny—which I find very sexy—well, that was a plus. So, I made a mental note to make him a Hot Man this week. Then I saw that Mark Alexander at Veonix Rising, had also found Jost a little something-something and he, too, posted a few sexy snaps. I was gonna switch gears, but said, ‘Nope, hot and funny always wins.’

And then I stumbled—and I wish it had been literally—upon Reid Scott, who is on Veep  and after seeing him, all sleek and sexy, thought to myself, ‘Damn! Why didn’t we upgrade our cable to get HBO so I could him every week?’

So here is, too; we have funny and sexy and sleek and sexy. Just sayin’.

Well, for over For 138 years, the annual Easter Egg Roll has been the biggest single public event held at the White House, attracting some 35,000 Washington-area schoolchildren, military families, and Congressional guests to celebrate Easter.

Alas, not this year. When the _____’s  host the high-profile event April 17th, it will be significantly scaled down as a result of a failure to do the necessary advance planning, such as purchasing the wooden eggs given as gifts on time and sending out invitations to bring the children and their families to the White House for the celebration. 

I guess when the wife refuses to live in the same house as the husband and he’s too busy lobbing Twitter Lies and dropping bombs and dodging an FBI investigation, the little children suffer.

It's Snarkurday!

Lisa Kudrow played my favorite character on Friends, Phoebe Buffay; I always like the slightly off-center, random characters because, yeah, they’re like me.

And though Kudrow has been working steadily since Friends ended forty years ago, she is still constantly asked about the show and the possibility of a reunion. But, while appearing on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Andy asked her which guest star was the worst ...

“The worst behavior just off the top of my head? I rehearsed without makeup most of the week and then on show night I’m in hair and makeup and I was told [by the guest star], ‘Oh, wow, now you’re’ — can I say it? ― ‘now you’re f**kable.’ That’s bad behavior, I say.”

What she wouldn’t say was who it was, and the internet immediately jumped on Charlie Sheen until Kudrow later shot that down.

So ... who do you think it was ... Alec Baldwin comes to mind; but then there are so many more ... Jon Lovitz, Bruce Willis, Sean Penn, Jean-Claude Van Damme. And what about a woman—Kudrow never said it was a man—could it have been Susan Sarandon?

For me, because he played a character that dated both Phoebe and her “twin” Ursula, my money’s on Penn.

Plus ... he’s kind of a dick.

[photo]

So, the podcast Missing Richard Simmons was created by one of Simmons’ friends, filmmaker Dan Taberski, who is trying to find out what happened to Simmons, who seemingly vanished from public view.

It’s been over three years since Simmons has been seen or spoken to his friends, and so people began wondering; he and his reps have released statements saying he’s got a busted knee and is just trying to mend and heal in private, but even his famous exercise studio has closed because he’s not there to work out.

On a recent episode of MRS, Taberski talked to another Simmons’ friend, Mauro Oliveira, who believes Simmons’ longtime housekeeper, Teresa Reveles, is controlling him and his bank accounts. Last year, Oliveira told the New York Daily News that in April 2014, he went over to Simmons’ Hollywood Hills home and that Richard said they could no longer be friends. Mauro tried to talk to Richard, but housekeeper Reveles kicked him out of the house. 

Mauro now says that Reveles put a black magic spell on Simmons and also believes Reveles, Richard’s manager and his brother were all holding him hostage. After Mauro squealed to NYDN, Richard Simmons gave a phone interview to The Today Show and said that he’s not being held hostage and he really just wants to stay home and do nothing.

Seriously? Does that sound like Simmons? And then, after Mauro repeated those claims on MRS, Richard’s rep, Tom Estey, released a statement:

“Teresa has been working with him for ... [27 years]. So, holding him hostage is the biggest, I mean … Teresa is the housekeeper, she’s the caretaker, she is extraordinary, she is amazing, she takes impeccable care of Richard and she has for as long as I have been working with Richard, so that is a complete load of crap. Richard made a choice. To live a more private life. If he decides to come back, he’ll come back.”

That sounds plausible, because the black magic voodoo angle is just crazy, but still, who ever thought Richard Simmons would choose to disappear? So, maybe there is something there ... ?

[photo]

During her acceptance speech for Album of the Year at this year’s Grammys, Adele referred to Simon Konecki, the father of her son and partner of 5 years, as her “husband.” But then backstage, she threw the car in reverse and went back to calling him her “partner.”

So ... what the what?

It appears Konecki is actually Adele’s husband now, because she told the crowd at a concert in Brisbane last week while talking about the feelings of her song Someone Like You:

“I was trying to remember how it was I felt at the beginning of the relationship that inspired that record because as bad as a break up can be, as bitter and horrible and messy as it can be, that feeling when you first fall for someone is the best feeling on earth, and I am addicted to that feeling. Obviously I can’t go through with those feelings because I’m married now. I’ve found my next person.”

One thing she isn’t saying is how long she has been married, but, you know, I love that Adele is just Adele and doesn’t feel the need to release every single aspect of her life on social media and opts to keep some things private.

Just sayin’ ... Beyonce.

[photo]

So, we know that Paul Burrell, the former royal butler, who dubbed himself Diana’s “rock”, has come out as gay and engaged to his business partner lawyer, Graham Cooper.

What you may not know is that Burrell ALLEGEDLY once had an orgy with up to 10 other men aboard Royal Yacht Britannia ... though probably not when that other Queen was onboard.

But she found out about it and while the other men involved faced disciplinary repercussions for the sex, Burrell was let off after the Queen spoke to him and told him to settle down and find a wife.

What the what? Burrell’s agent—cuz he’s writing another tell-all—Adam Muddle says:

“[Paul] wants to talk about the scandal that happened on the Royal Yacht Britannia, which is where members of the navy were dismissed for being caught up in a gay orgy. Paul was there. But he wasn’t arrested or subjected to any sort of criminal charges, because he was the Queen’s right hand man at that point.”

I think maybe he was the right hand man to a lot of men.

Just sayin’. But seriously, how's that for a job? You get nailed—perhaps the wrong word choice but I’ll let it go—for having an all-male orgy on your boss’s boat and all the boss says is, “Find a wife.”

I need a job like that.

[photo]

Well, Scarlett Johansson just filed for divorce from her second husband, Frenchman Romain Dauriac, and there are already rumblings about a nasty custody battle.

Johansson sued Dauriac in Manhattan Supreme Court calling their marriage “irretrievably broken” and asking a judge to give her primary custody of their 3-year-old daughter, Rose Dorothy Dauriac.

Dauriac’s attorney, Harold Mayerson, said his client plans to fight the request because he “would like to move to France with his daughter” because Johansson does a lot of traveling.

It was just two months ago Johansson announced that the couple had split last summer because she decided she didn’t have that much in common with him; and after the breakup the couple worked very well in co—parenting, and each spent every other week with Rose.

Then Johansson temporarily moved to New Zealand last year to film “Ghost in the Shell” and wanted to switch to a shorter schedule where she had Rose for three days and then Dauriac took her for two days.

When Dauriac protested that his life was starting to revolve around Johansson’s schedule, he was told by her lawyer that “this is what they do in Hollywood” and he was like, “Oh l'enfer, no."

Oh hell no. 

And so it looks to turn nasty and grabby ... because this is what they do in Hollywood.

[photo] 

Azealia Banks is ALLEGEDLY a rapper, but all I know of her is that she’s shrieks and screams at strangers, threatens to kill folks, and doesn’t show up to court when ordered.

In fact, a Manhattan judge just scolded Banks for failing to turn up for court and then because she tried to dismiss her absence as mere tardiness.

Justice Kathryn Paek issued a bench warrant for Banks’ arrest when she failed to show up to a hearing for ALLEGEDLY biting the boob of a female bouncer who tossed her from a West Village club.

And where was Banks? She was at Paris Fashion Week partying in denim thong shorts, though her lawyer, Jess Berkowitz, tried to say she was just “out of the country” and that she thought her court date was later in the week.

And when Banks finally appeared in court—wearing a black dress with a skeleton design, knee-high vinyl boots and a Chanel purse—she said:

“I just wanted to apologize for being tardy.”

Judge Paek was not playing:

“Not tardy! You missed your court date, your case is on for hearing and trial, and you did not appear. Do you understand the difference?”

Assistant District Attorney Andrea Kimmel reminded the judge that Banks had “failed to appear in this case multiple times, including the first trial date” and asked for $2,000 bail, but Paek went easy on Banks because ... well, I call it The Lohan Syndrome—celebrities have it easier than regular folk because they’re celebrities.

[photo]

Tom Hiddleston is doing the rounds to promote his new art project, Kong: Skull Island, and since he spilled his feelings about Taylor Swift in a GQ interview, he’s being asked about her over and over and over again, and getting all Tom Pissyton about it. When both The Telegraph and Savannah Guthrie of Today asked him about Taylor, he muttered that his private life is private.

Yes, he did; the guy who paraded around a beach last year with Swifty whist wearing a “I Heart TS” tank top is now asking for privacy.

Still, Guthrie brought up Tom’s GQ interview and asked him what it was like to go through a really public relationship and he giggled and said his work is public, but his private life is not. 

Now, when The Telegraph also asked if he regretted the attention of the Swifty Affair and Hiddles got piddled and snapped:

“What should I regret, in your mind?”

Then he calmed down and said:

 “I would rather not talk about this if that’s alright. I’m just thinking about this ... everyone is entitled to a private life. I love what I do and I dedicate myself with absolute commitment to making great art ...”

And we’ll stop; great art ... Kong: Skull Island. Seriously.

I used to think the man was hot and then he started dating Swifty and wearing that ridiculous shirt and dressing her up like the Queen Mum on a visit home and I thought he was a lunatic, but calling Kong: Skull Island great art proves the man is delusional as f**k.
[photo]