It's Snarkurday!

There are all kinds of theories as to why Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris exploded, but maybe it just boils down to Kewpie Doll Ego?

See, Calvin had a fairly big hit song with “This Is What You Came For” — I only know this because I read it, not because I ever heard the song … ick — but ALLEGEDLY some of the lyrics — differing versions of “Oooooooooh Oooooooooh” — were written by Swifty.

Folks say Swifty ALLEGEDLY wrote the song, sent it to Calvin, and they recorded a demo, but then felt it was wrong to work together on some sucky tune — because Taylor has the rights to all sucky tunes — so Rihanna sang it and TayTay was reduced to background Ooooohs. Then when Calvin was out promoting the song he said he wouldn’t do music with Taylor … and … cue Taylor Swift’s Teenage Meltdown.

And cue her people “accidentally” releasing information that she co-wrote the tune. Then cue Calvin, trying to make nice—saying Swifty is :::cough cough::: an “amazing lyric writer” and that she sang on the song too—but when Swift moved on to Tom Hiddleston the niceties were off.  Harris began Mean-Tweeting and even dragged TayTay’s Best Frenemy into the fight by saying he would not let Swift “bury him” the way she tried to bury Katy Perry.

Perry then piped up on Twitter with a GIF of Hilary Clinton giving some side-eye and then reTweeted some shade she’s posted about Taylor’s “Bad Blood” video:

“Time will tell.”

Now, seriously, these folks are too damn old and too damn famous for these kinds of Twit Feuds, but then other folks, less rich, less famous, less Swifty Robotic, started a hashtag #TaylorSwiftIsoverParty and then trolled Taylor’s Instagram and filled the comments section with snake emojis.

Taylor isn’t talking, or singing, but I imagine she’ll marry Tom Hiddleston as a way to “get back” at everyone and then “write” a bunch of grown-assed-woman-teenage-angsty songs about it to punish us further.

Consider yourselves warned.

Tori Spelling has learned that no matter how many times you cry poverty, you still gotta pay your taxes.

See, California has hit Tori, and her co-adulterer husband, with a tax lien to the tune of $259,108.23 in unpaid taxes from 2014.

What will Tori do? Probably pitch a reality show to Lifetime called Tori and Dean in the Slammer.

Lamar Odom is ALLEGEDLY drinking again … a few months after he almost died from the drink and the drug and the hookers at a Nevada brothel. But sources — most likely That Woman, his not-yet-ex-mother-in-law — say Lamar isn’t worried and can handle his drinking; or can he?

Think again because this week Lamar was kicked off a flight for being a drunken mess.

Waiting for a flight from LAX to NYC Lamar decided to beers and whiskey in an airport bar, and by the time he boarded the plane, before he even sat down, Odom started vomiting in the galley and the bathroom.

Doused in puke, Lamar was escorted off the plane by flight attendants while a cleaning crew came in and un-puked it … and then it got messier ten minutes later, when Lamar was allowed back on the plane. He sat down, then got up and, this time, made it to the bathroom before the hurling commenced and then he was taken off the flight for good.

But this isn’t all on Lamar … howsabout the bartender who thought it was a good idea to serve Lamar Odom all that booze, or the flight attendants who brought his drunken ass back onto the plane?

Seriously, if that was me they’d have slammed my ass in airport jail, but rich drunks get preferential treatment as long as they only puke once.

Puke twice and all bets are off.

In a prime example of ‘snark,’ “Difficult People” creator Julie Klausner says Hollywood stars only pretend to be pals — and that Gwyneth Paltrow is the biggest, phoniest “backstabber” in town:

“They pretend that they are [all great friends], but the stuff that is said about people behind the scenes is really terrible. [And] well — Gwyneth Paltrow — there’s many a tale to tell … all kinds of backstabbing.”

Klausner would give no specific details — perhaps after learning that Paltrow sells hit men on GOOP — but did say that Paltrow is now “into [Eastern therapy] cupping — maybe she’s cupping instead of backstabbing.”

I’d be careful of the stabbing comments … Paltrow. GOOP. High-priced hit man. Still, Klausner has taken potshots at Paltrow before, like when she Tweeted:

“Click here to witness the chemistry between Gwyneth Paltrow and Jimmy Fallon AKA the comedy version of ammonia and bleach!”

I wonder which one was Paltrow?

Dr. Phil is suing mad and aiming his gut at the National Enquirer.

Yup, “Doctor” Phil and his wife Robin McGraw are suing American Media Inc., who owns the National Enquirer published almost 100 false stories about their marriage imploding over the last 13-year period.  Huh; I guess it’s best to handle the nasty tabloid stories for a decade so you can get a bigger payout?

Phil claims the National prints a fake story about him and Robin every two months … like he’s a cheater … like she’s divorcing him … like how she kicked him to the curb. You know, the stories they print about every pseudo-wannabe famous person like the McGraw’s … stories like how he’s a cheater, or how they’re headed for divorce, or how Robin kicked him to the curb.

Apparently Phil threatened American Media with a libel suit before, and they agreed to stop telling fibs but then the Enquirer was all, “No, we’re still talking.”

Still, I wonder why the McGraw’s didn’t file suit … oh, I don’t know … thirteen years ago. Maybe it really is just about getting a bigger payout? Maybe the Oprah money is running out? Maybe, ALLEGEDLY, they are divorcing and Phil needs to cash for alimony?

ALLEGEDLY.

It’s been a while since we heard about Lindsay Lohan Crack Drama—which I have suggested as the title of the “book” she said she’s “writing.” But then she turned 30 and crazy came out to play.

To celebrate the milestone — seriously, many people thought she wouldn’t live to see 25 — Lindsay’s fiancé Egor Tarabasov took Lohan and a group of people to Mykonos, Greece for a party. Lindsay tried to get various companies or brands to sponsor her birthday party but everyone was like, “Lindsay who?”

So maybe that’s why she brought the drama ... Lohan was ALLEGEDLY—I kid, using italics! — after reading a text on Egor’s phone and shocked the assembled guests — there were at least three hangers-on — and Egor’s mother Elena — by hurling the phone into the sea. Egor, in a way of getting back at Lohan to really hurt her, tossed his drink onto her head.

Wasting alcohol in front of — much less on top of — a Lohan? That’s almost a capital offense in that family.

Luckily, security pulled the lovebirds apart and Lindsay drove off — careful Mykonos, Lohan’s driving — and Egor continued to party.

Reality show famewhores Kim and Kyle Richards are being sued by a woman who claims that Kim’s dog Kingsley attacked her at Kyle’s house.

It all happened when the “stars” of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills invited stylist Paige Sanderson to Kyle’s house to dress Kim for a promotional appearance. Hopefully not at a hotel bar … if you know Kim. Or at a Target store … if you know Kim … or a wedding in Mexico … yada yada yada.

Kingsley, already known for his aggression — he ALLEGEDLY bit Kyle’s daughter in the last year — lunged at Sanderson, bit and held on to her lower abdomen and crotch, tearing off her leggings and underwear and ripping out portions of flesh.

That’s awful, but it gets uglier because Sanderson ALLEGES that Kim Richards refused to call 911 unless Sanderson promised to cover for Kingsley and blame the attack on a stray dog.

Well, Sanderson was like “Eff you” and is suing Kim and the dog, and Kyle because it happened at Kyle’s house. She wants cash for emotional distress, cosmetic surgery and medical bills and I want a front row seat at that mediation to watch Kim try to Word Soup an explanation and watch Kyle flip her hair and giggle.

It’ll all make for a Very Special Episode of RHoBH.

It's Snarkurday!

John Travolta and male masseurs; he just cannot shake the gossip that he loves being rubbed by, and rubbing on, male masseurs. And so why is that?

Well, maybe it’s his personal hotel rider that seems to keep the gossip alive because John Travolta will only be massaged by men, and John Travolta requires that hotel staff put aluminum foil and dark curtains to black out the windows, and john Travolta brings in his own sheets, and removes them when he goes, and John Travolta requires that whatever room he’ll be occupying be empty for a full day before he steps inside in order to avoid anyone else’s scent lingering behind.

Okay, well, I can get behind that scent thing because some folks just douse themselves with colognes and perfumes, but bringing his own sheets? Blacking out the windows? It’s like Johnny wants to protect and haul away the DNA evidence and keep anyone from watching him “do it.”

It appears that one Peter Sloane has boldly gone where no man has gone before … he’s suing William Shatner for $170 million because he says Captain Kirk is his Daddy, and he’d like Shatner to submit to a DNA test and cease claiming he isn’t Peter’s father.

Sloan claims that his birth mother, the late Canadian actress Kathy McNeil, had a brief affair with Shatner, gave birth to his son, then gave the child up for adoption when he was 5 days old. Shatner, naturally, denies Sloan is his son, and says it’s all about the money … and a boat-load of money it is.

But Slone won’t go away easily; he says he met Shatner back in his TJ Hooker days and that Shatner initially “admitted he was [Sloane’s] father.” But a week later, Sloan claims, he was contacted by Shatner’s people who said he would deny paternity and begged him not to go public because it “could be horrendous for [Shatner].”

Peter Sloane wasn’t deterred; he surprised Shatner at a meet-and-greet, he registered the Web domain petershatner.com and began a local CBS radio show under the name Peter Shatner; and that was when Shatner sent the lawyers after Peter who said:

“Bill ... confirmed to me once again that he is not your father. There have been many people over the years who have claimed to be his children … He is not interested in spending time discussing this issue with you.”

Then, Sloane ALLEGES, Shatner’s people shut down his Twitter feed and had IMDb Pro to take down a page about a movie he was working on. And so he wants, or needs, $170 million.

Beam me up some of that cash please.

Jeffrey Wenninger, a former security guard, claims, in a lawsuit no less, that while working for Elton John for twelve years, Elton repeatedly groped him.

In March 2014, Wenninger says that he was riding in a car with Elton when, he ALLEGES, the singer put his hands down Wenninger’s pants and “tried to force his fingers between [my] buttock cheeks.” He also says Elton tried to fondle his genitals “both over and under his clothing.” 

Then Elton said, “Get your todger out [and] say hello to Uncle Elton.”

Perhaps he was looking for Wenninger’s rocket, man?

A month after the incident in the car, Wenninger says Elton twisted his nipples while saying, “You have so many gay genes in you, they just haven’t met up yet.” And Wenninger says there were a lot more moments of groping and fondling by John before he decided to quit his job, though he never once reported any incidents of inappropriate behavior until now. Wenninger says he has suffered emotional, physical and mental pain and wants cash damages from Elton.

Elton John’s team has already hit back, calling Wenninger’s lawsuit as authentic as Elton’s “hair.” Ouch!

Columbus Short could’a been big. He was in the first season of Scandal but suddenly disappeared amid reports of a violet, knife-wielding past. Then he was in a bar fight in LA, sucker punched a guy and ran.

Well, it’s even messier. Columbus Short met Karrine Steffans last year while working on a movie together and two months later they were married. And now that marriage is apparently over because Columbus Short is an adulterer and Karrine Steffans ain’t playin’.

Karrine not only threw all of his sh*t out of their apartment, but she took pictures of the sh*t and posted them on Instagram, where she also started calling out his numerous mistresses. She even posted a picture of Short calmly sitting in the lobby of their building with all his sh*t scattered around, and then captioned it:

“Somebody come get @officialcshort cheating ass and all his sh-t. What about you @aida006…still want him? And @candicernb…you f–ked my husband…want him?” 

After that, she posted a video of the damage with the caption: “You okay @officialcshort?” with her voiceover: 

“Nobody has anything to say. Nobody has anything to f–ing say. You feeling OK, you feelin’ okay?”

Oh, Karrine, you went all Angela Bassett, Waiting To Exhale, on Columbus, but he had his own Tweets to spew:

“Just want to say....that it's unfortunate that way things end up. I felt truly that a woman gave me a home and a place to get my mind right …

“And a place to maturate gifts that I wasn't able to foster, without stability. I love Karin and her brilliantly talented son. But toxicity …

“Of any kind isn't healthy for anyone. I've been working hard to bring you guys quality movies, music and art. And that's exactly what will …

“Continue to happen. How could you not love a woman who took you in a broken place and allow you to heal. I'm thankful for the journey and …

“It ain't the first time I've been homeless. But will definitely be the last!! When it's all said and done stand strong stand tall and …

“Most of all UNBROKEN......If I'm still standing you have no excuse! #MoreThanConquerers.”

Lawdy, child, this man is delusional. I think Karrine might have dodged an actual bullet.

So, That Woman has been dating Corey Gamble for about a year and a half. He started out as a bodyguard-type — what, she thought she was Whitney — and then That Woman basically hired him to be her on-screen love interest and general “handler” to those kids.

And it’s apparently not a secret that Corey cashes a check to be That Woman’s man and babysitter. Because a source, and it might be the one Kardastrophe who doesn’t really have a job, says:

“Corey’s given a stipend [by That Woman] to help look after her kids and make sure they are OK when they go out. He’s essentially an employee.”

And true to Job Description, Gamble was spotted escorting the Kardashian girls — and not That Woman — to Hollywood eatery; he was also included in the family’s Easter Sunday celebrations but that’s just because he pledged his loyalty, in return for coins.

Hmmm, would That Woman pay a man to be her, um, date, and to watch her kids?

That’s a rhetorical question.

So, Vanity Fair recently published a story about the making of Kramer vs. Kramer — part of Michael Schulman’s upcoming biography about acting legend Meryl Streep titled Her Again: Becoming Meryl Streep.

And apparently Kramer vs. Kramer, which resulted in Meryl’s first of 10,000 Oscars was a nightmare, mostly due to Little Man Dustin … Hoffman, that is.

According to Schulman, Hoffman was so serious about his role in Kramer vs. Kramer that he even had their “pretend” apartment redesigned because he said his character wouldn’t live there. But then Hoffman took method acting to the Nth degree by actually slapping Meryl Streep on the second day of shooting so it would appear more real.

On the second day of shooting, as Hoffman’s character Ted follows his hysterical wife Joanna, Dustin slapped Meryl hard across the cheek, leaving a red mark. But Meryl The Legend took the slap, used it in the scene, and took home Oscar gold for it.

But Hoffman’s on-set assholery wasn’t limited to slaps; he also continually made fun and light of the fact that Meryl’s boyfriend at the time, John Cazale, had cancer and died right before filming started. He would taunt Meryl about Cazale, jabbing her with remarks about his cancer and his death and claims it was all so she could bring that anger to her performance. And he improvised a scene by smashing a wine glass on a table, sending shards of glass into Meryl’s face and hair.

Look, Little Man, Meryl Streep is a legend and she has more Oscar Gold than you have Oscar Mayer.

Hoffman should’ve been seeing a doctor about his LMS … Little Man Syndrome.

So Lamar Odom, fresh from the hospital after his drugs and whores weekend in Las Vegas, recently appeared with this wife — no divorce yet — Khloe Kardastrophe on the family’s annual Easter Sunday paparazzi stroll.

But he got himself liquored up first.

Do I blame him? Not really, I’d have to be totally sh*tfaced to appear in public with That Family, too.

And it probably helped to be three sheets to the wind in case the Kardastrophe’s spontaneously combust by going into a church.

Drunks can scramble …

Last week, Justin Bieber announced that he would no longer be doing meet-and-greets with his fans—fans, plural, giggle—after his concerts because he found them draining.

What? The meet-and-greets? Or the fans?

Anyway, it’s a Who Cares moment except that some fans have already paid for meet and greets … some paying $2000 to Meet The Twerp … so what to do, what to do …

Well, despite Justin’s cancelling the event, fans were unable to get refunds without also forfeiting their tickets to his show, and then those that did attend the show went backstage to have their picture taken with a cardboard cutout of Bieber.

Well, at least the conversation would have been more thrilling except … Bieber skipped the meet-and-greet with fans because it’s too hard but did make way for celebrities and their families, like Wayne Gretzky, his wife and their daughter, to meet him.

So, it’s not the meeting of the fans, it’s meeting regular people fans?

Random Musings

Adele 25. It's being released this November. Finally, I can begin listening to music again.

Blake O'Neill is a punter for Michigan Sate and last week he missed a kick, and rather than falling on the ball, it was scooped up by the opposing team who scored a touchdown and won the game.

Blake O’Neill was an instant pariah and began receiving online death threats … for a football game loss.

Note to online asshats: if you wouldn’t walk up to someone like Blake O’Neill and say to his face, “I want to kill you,” keep it off-line.

It’s.A.Game.

[Blake O'Neill]

Oh, and also in Michigan — and this may, or may not, have anything to do with people wanting to kill a football player — a new bill is being proposed to allow guns to be carried in schools, college dorms, bars and … wait for it … sports arenas.

Uh huh.

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Jim Webb has dropped out of the Democratic presidential race—though he may run as an independent.

I thought he was just holding Joe Biden’s spot, and now that Joe isn’t running, Jim can just sit down.
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American Horror Story: Hotel is really pushing the boundaries, what with Gaga humping Angela Bassett — who looks faaaabulous by the way — and Finn Wittrock humping Cheyenne Jackson.

Maybe we should call it American Horror Story: Humping Homosexuals.

[1, 2, 3, 4]

We saw the Martian last weekend. Good film, kind of improbable, but entertaining nonetheless. But this isn’t about that, it’s about the preview for an upcoming Will Smith film, Concussion, in which he uses an accent, and, gathering from the way the preview was edited, the only actor in the piece.

In other words, Will Smith wants an Oscar.

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Am I the only one who is sickened by the near hourly reports on Lamar Odom’s condition? I have no ill will toward the man, but let’s be clear: he suffered a seizure after a four-day coke-Viagra-whore binge at a Las Vegas brothel.

And that’s daily news because … ?

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Aaron Tveit is on USA’s Graceland, a show I’ve never seen, though Aaron is quite the Eye Candy.

He was also in Les Miz, and played the role of Fiyero in Wicked, and since I am such a Wicked whore, which is quite different from being a wicked whore, I loved hearing him singing “Defying Gravity” from Wicked alongside current Elphaba, Rachel Tucker.

Dreamy and hot.

[1, 2, 3, 4]

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

I hate to say I told you so, but I will … I told you so … …and I’ll add that Lohan got arrested last night for drunk driving on Long Island.

That’s right Lindsay Lo— Wait? What? What? It wasn’t Lindsay? It WASN’T Lindsay? It wasn’t Lindsay?

It was Dina “Box’o’Chardonnay” Lohan who was arrested last night with a blood alcohol level of .20; and that’s a lotta wine, and, as Dina is apt to do, whine.

Lindsay’s 50-year-old mother was pulled over on the Northern State Parkway by New York State Police around 11 pm Thursday night for ALLEGEDLY going 77mph in a 55 zone. During the stop, police say she appeared intoxicated—let that one sink in because when does Dina ever appear not intoxicated—and when they tested her she hit the .20 mark, more than twice the legal limit of .08. And in typical Dina form, she ALLEGED that she was injured during the arrest but when medical personnel arrived she was suddenly okay.

Dina Lohan was booked on two counts of driving while intoxicated and one count of speeding.

I guess now that Lindsay is out of rehab Dina has no one to drink with, so she’s doubling up on her intake. 

Wow, this is getting all kinds of creepy.

Last week I told y’all that like the Zeta-Jones-Douglas’, the Ruiz-Eastwood’s seemed headed for divorce, and that decades younger than her husband, Clint, Dina Ruiz was spending more time with her old high school boyfriend now.

Now it seems that Clint has gotten himself a new lady-friend to take the place of Wannabe-Kardashian Dina. He was recently spotted at LAX letting off a younger lovely, Erica Tomlinson Fisher. There was some thought that Erica might have been Clint’s daughter with former wife, Frances Fisher, but that turned out to be untrue.

No, y’all, Erica Tomlinson Fisher is the ex-wife of Scott Fisher. Who’s that you say? Well, Scott Fisher is Dina Ruiz’s high school boyfriend that she’s been schtupping of late.

So, Mr. Eastwood and Mrs. Fisher are hooking up while Mrs. Eastwood and Mr. Fisher do the nasty, too.

Only in Hollywood, I hope.

As you’ve no doubt already heard, media whore and daughter pimping Kris Jenner’s talk show is highly unlikely to be renewed by Fox after its lackluster six week trial run. There is no official word yet, and Kris has half-denied the show is canceled, but it seems like a done deal.

And folks that worked on the show are actually kinda happy to be unemployed. Star Magazine has an interview with an anonymous production worker from Kris’ show who says she was so difficult and stingy that they are thrilled to be out of work if it means less Kris Jenner in their lives.

The source—and it could be an angry Kardashian—says Kris would show up to the set hung-over, demand a cadre of beauty experts make her look beautiful—or at least less mannish—and was annoying to the staff and overall unbearable. And even more, the crew member says that staff members got no “extras” like they usually do on other talk show sets, and instead Kris would take all the free gifts home herself.

At the wrap party, though, she came through, I guess, by presenting those who’d worked on her show with fleece blankets; airline fleece blankets, someone called them.

But that’s Kris gimme gimme gimme Jenner.

Onto Lamar Odom.

He recently checked into rehab, somewhere, following the insistence of obviously soon-to-be ex-wife Khloe Kardashian that he get help, except that now Khloe is whining that she has had no contact with him and, in fact, doesn’t even know where he went for treatment.

Now, is that shady, or is it smart?

Some say Lamar is likely avoiding Khloe so her family — really just Kris — can’t leak stories about him to the press, though It turns out that even going to rehab in secret, and not telling his fame-whoring wife and mother-in-law, doesn’t work well.

Lamar checked into rehab Wednesday morning and checked out Thursday afternoon, making his rehab stint even shorter than a Lohan stay, and now Khloe is furious that husband is keeping her in the dark and his camp is also freezing her out.

Maybe, just maybe, though, Lamar is keeping himself away because all of those nasty stories about his infidelities and drug problems are being leaked to the press by a Kardashian.

Not so shocking, really.

Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow ever lets her kids have a French fry? I mean, it seems like she’s constantly revising what she says about her children’s eating habits, going from the story that get Oreos and a soda one day per week, to the times she says she put them on a no-carbohydrates diet. Makes one wonder what Paltrow’s hubby, Chris Martin — who avoids being seen with her in public at almost all costs — feels about his kids and their diet.

Now, it turns out, that he’s the Junk Food Daddy. While Paltrow went off to do a bookstore gig for that cookbook she, um, “wrote" — ‘It’s All Good’ — Chris took Apple and Moses to McDonalds. And when Gwyneth deigned to reunite with her family, her eagle eyes spotted a McDonald’s wrapper on the floor of the car and she exploded.

“I thought I asked you to take them for a healthy lunch.”

“McDonalds has healthy choices from the fast food menu!”

But, um, I’m guessing it was a Big Mac wrapper Paltrow found, and after sniffing it, and licking it, she began her tirade.

Swifty and JLo? Lordy, how creepy is that? 

A few weeks ago, Jennifer made a surprise guest appearance on stage with Taylor Swift as part of Swift’s concert in LA. They sang “Jenny From The Block” together and all seemed well, but, um, yeah, behind the scenes, not so much.

Apparently JLo was rude to some of Swifty’s fans — they probably looked at her — and so she had her minions remind folks that the rule is no one looks at, or speaks to, La Lopez. So, now JLo is on Swifty’s Do Not Call List — and there will probably be a song about it soon — and she’s said she will never work with JLo again or even invite her to a performance.

What do you do when you were once the King of the Summer Movie but your last film sank faster than Miley Cyrus’ reputation?

Well, if you’re Will Smith, whose last film AfterEarth  — which will be retitled AfterEarth When Will's Career Tanked in DVD and BluRay release  — bombed big time, you suddenly head back to the beginning and sign on for that sequel to Independence Day.

According to director Roland Emmerich, they’re currently “in discussions”, which is probably code for “trying to satisfy Will Smith’s insane salary demands and seeing if we have a bit role for Jaden.”

Or, maybe Jaden will get the lead, and soon to be has-been Daddy Will will get the cameo part.

We haven’t heard much from Mel Gibson lately, not that I’m complaining, but the drunk-driving, anti-Semitic, adulterer, girlfriend batterer is well-known for not tolerating people, especially the police.

This may explain his ill-temper recently when Melvin was stopped while driving down the PCH [Pacific Coast Highway] in Malibu with a “female passenger”.

To be fair, the police were satisfied that he hadn’t been drinking and let him go, but Mel apparently became enraged by the inconvenience and started screaming at them when they asked him to show them his license, and Mel didn’t have it on him. At that point deputies told Mel to go to a secondary screening spot, and that’s when Gibson got angry, shrieking at officers, “Why are you harassing me?”  When a deputy asked why Mel was screaming and he responded, “I have had problems with you Lost Hills [Malibu] deputies in the past.”

After his little hissy fit, officers let him go with a warning to carry a license, maybe.

Poor Melvin. He used to be a big star, and now he’s just a big drunk douche.

Speaking of douches ….

Miley Cyrus is one hot mess. I mean, besides that whole ridiculous “Look at me, I’m edgier than Madonna” VMA performance, or her new all-nude review on a wrecking ball and going down on a hammer.

No, her hot messiness is so bad that she’s pissed off the one person in the world that no one, NO ONE, should ever piss off: Anna Wintour.

Wintour is said to be so repulsed by Cyrus’, for lack of a better word, performances of late, that she has canceled Miley’s magazine cover to keep the crazy from the pages of Vogue. It was just a few months back, after the Met Gala, that Anna thought Miley might be a new fashion icon, but all that changed after Miley went all tongue spouting and crotch rubbing on TV.

In fact, the photo shoot that Miley has already done, for the December issue and cover is rumored to have been scrapped entirely. ‘Anna found the whole thing distasteful,’ a source says. ‘She decided, based on Miley’s performance, to take the cover in a different direction.’

Of course, Miley will spin this and Tweet this and possibly rub her crotch all over it, while telling us that this is part of her ‘plan.’

To take over stealing from Madonna from Gaga.

More on Paltrow, who fancies herself the aboslute best parent EVER!

Except when she's trying to kill them ... as she recently did when, while taking either Kiwi or Noah, or is it Pomegranate and Bathseba ... whatever ... to school on her Vespa — because she's just so cool  — she pulled right out in front of a school bus.

Hubby Chris  — with the other child  — was only slightly more in control of his Vespa and offspring.

PS Paltrow doesn't even have a driver's license in California, and since she lives there, that against the law.