I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

What’s this? Chris Brown was arrested again? For punching someone? Color me … nonplussed.

Brown was arrested in Washington D.C. over the weekend for felony assault after, and, okay, I’ll say it, he and his bodyguard ALLEGEDLY beat the crap out of a man outside a hotel. police say Brown got into an argument with a man outside the W Hotel and ALLEGEDLY punched him in the face. The man never laid a hand on Brown — though from what I hear Chrissy may like having mens lay hands on him — and says Chrissy apparently uttered something about not being “down with that gay sh*t” before his punches flew.

Brown is still on probation for the time he beat the shiz out of Rihanna, and this could be grounds for violating his probation; which means he could be sentenced to prison for nearly 4 years. A reminder, he is not on probation for the fight with Frank Ocean over a parking space and he is not on probation for chucking champagne bottles at Drake in a bar and he is not on probation for throwing a chair out of a window on GMA. Juts sayin’.

UPDATE I: The charges have been dropped to simple assault misdemeanors and both Chrissy and his bodyguard were released without bail. But Brown was ordered to report to his California probation officer within 48 hours and to stay at least 100 yards away from the man he ALLEGEDLY assaulted, and he must return to court in November.

Chris Brown; he's like a young Bobby Brown, spending more time in court than in a recording studio.

UPDATE II: Chrissy just checked himself into rehab for, not drugs and not alcohol, but for anger management “issues”.

His rep says:

“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility. His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”

In other words, he’s making a play for the judges in both DC and California who might wanna send his lying beatin’ ass to jail

Sorry, I’m a cynic.

It’s no secret that Shepard Smith, director of Fox News’ “news” operation, is gay. He doesn’t say it, and FoxNews, the last place for LGBT-friendliness, also doesn’t say it, but I’ll say it: Shepard Smith is gay. He’s also apparently not very nice to waitresses.

This story goes back to March — hey, no one said it was a breaking story — when Smith went to a party at Chelsea’s Bathtub Gin. Smith, after downing his drink with his friends noticed the waitress was helping another table and all hell broke loose. He wanted the next round now.

This, from the waitress, Katya Minskova:  “He got up from his table, grabbed my elbow, and started yelling, ‘Where the fuck is my drink! Where is my fucking drink! Get my fucking drink!’He started smacking his hands, like the back of his right hand into the palm of his left. He was spitting. His veins were popping out.”

Apparently Smith was in desperate need of his favorite Bathtub Gin cocktail — one that is not on the menu but is a must have for the gay anchor … gaynchor?  – and consists of gin, muddled cucumber, and shaved ice.

“There was no reason for you to scream at me,” Minskova told Smith.

“Yes, there was. You’re fucking slow. I told you I wanted a second round. Why don’t you take my order right now?”

Minskova explained that the bartender was mixing the second round, but Smith, pissy and prissy, told her to cancel it and asked for the check. Smith and his entourage then left without leaving a tip and neither Shepard Smith nor Fox News has a comment; the owner of Bathtub Gin did not respond to requests for comment, either.

Now, while that’s an interesting story, the part of the story that didn’t make the big news but did pique my interest is the story of Smith’s company that night. See, Smith was there with a straight couple and his own regular date, a muscular 6-foot-2 30-something white male, whom Bathtub Gin employees refer to as “his boyfriend.”

Like most nights — Smith frequents the bar about once a week, according to Minskova — the couple, who drink there regularly, frequently hold hands and rest them in each others’ laps under the table.

Sweet, really, except for that whole temper tantrum, you know.

Last we week talked Katharine McPhee, married though separated Katherine McPhee, schtupping her married Smash director Michael Norris on the street; well, kissing him on the lips while on the street is more accurate.

McPhee did some half-assed damage control when the photos were released, claiming that she and her husband have been separated for months now, though she failed to mention how long her schtuppee and his wife, actress Mary McCormack, were separated. Hint: they weren’t.

Now, though, they are, because Mary booted Michael to the curb. And all because he couldn’t come up with the cash to buy the photos of the McPhee Make Out Session. See. Norris knew the photos were about to hit because he tried to buy them himself to keep them from ever being seen by the public.

Oops. Perhaps the offer should have been bigger OR perhaps you and your cheating piece could have stayed off the streets, no?

Speaking of Adulterers: LeAnn Rimes. Adulterer. Cheater. Twitterer. Twit. Dumbass.

That sums it up. Because how else do you explain that someone who was married, flew to Canada to make a Lifetime movie with a married costar and began schtupping that married costar, ruining  both of their marriages in the process, and then Tweets  a picture of herself on a tow truck called Wrecker?

She’s  been writing albums about it, giving interviews about it, crying about it, going into fake rehab about it, suing people over it, and passive-aggressively Tweeting about her “sons” who are really someone else’s kids.

And she and her adulterous husband Eddie Cibrian have been criticized for their married-to-someone-else-schtupping by everyone from the kids’ mother, Real Housewife Brandi Glanville, to LeAnn’s own, er, fans.

So, in another desperate attempt to keep her bony chin in the news, this weekend, following a series of photos about moments the kids’ real mother is missing out on because of what transpired a few years ago, LeAnn “joked” about being a “homewrecker.” Joked about it.

And then said anyone who didn’t get it had no sense of humor: “[The photo is] about laughing at something I know I’m not, and some very unoriginal people keep yapping about. [Other people have] yapped about it for years, and now I can make fun of myself whenever & however I want, thx.”

Oh, LeAnn, we all have a sense of humor and we’re waiting to laugh our asses off when Eddie goes to Canada for another Lifetime movie and schtups someone else’s wife and leaves you in the dust.

Tweet about that.

Kim and Kanye. The Porn Star and the Closeted Gay Rapper. ALLEGEDLY, of course, about the gay part I mean.

Yeezus, as Kanye’s ego likes to think of himself, has been doing press for his album and upcoming tour, and gave some very interesting quotes about Kim and their relationship in a recent interview:

‘I have never loved any girl, other than my mother, as much as I love my girlfriend. …  I’m so happy to be with her, to live this life together, and – with our relationship with God – to be able to live forever in heaven together, and also to raise a strong family that communicates truth and beauty.’

Boy. When the rap career dies, and it will, and Kim dumps him for the next thing, and she will, he could get a job at Hallmark writing cards no one will buy.

But then he goes on, and on, about the Kash Kow:

‘This girl is one of the No. 1 designers in the world. I don’t know exactly what her numbers are, but Sears does something like 300, 400 million a year. She’s been spending her whole check on clothes since she was 16, just like me.’

Sears. SEARS???? And then, showing his signature lack of modesty, he added:

‘That’s the reason why both of us are the most influential. I think me and my girl are extremely influential… Nah, me and my girl are the most influential.’

Wow, I never thought I’d find anything bigger than her ass and then he drops this ego. Lordy. We’ll need a special locker for those.

Poor Tori Spelling. No really, poor Tori.

Tori is pimping her latest book, Spelling It Like It Is, and hoping to make some cash for her husband’s vasectomy — she infamously released the news that she and her hubby are so broke they can’t afford the snip-snippety — and the breaking news that she hasn’t bought a new purse in :::gasp::: three years. So, she’s trotting out the dirty laundry and the hate to line her pockets.

It seems that she will be trashing her mother, Candy Spelling, in the new book, probably because when her daddy, Aaron Spelling died, he left Candy something like a trillion dollars and left Tori about eight dollars and a wish that she’d have gotten that nose job when he suggested it and not gone for the boobs.

But now comes word that she’s even trashing Katie Holmes in her book, calling her a “plastic” robot who “can’t sing for sh-t” all because Katie, who is ALLEEGDLY an old friend, didn’t know Tori had kids.

It seems Spelling and Holmes first met years ago, when Holmes was on Dawson’s Creek and Spelling was still on 90210 and says: “A friend of mine at the time did a movie with her, Teaching Mrs. Tingle” and soon the friends decided to get together for drinks.

“Dawson’s Creek Katie was exactly what you’d expect,” Tori “writes”. “She was wearing jeans and a tank top. Her hair was down. She was shy but engaging, and altogether pretty adorable.”

But then, ten years later, when Tori was meeting with a vocal coach for her new TV movie The Mistletones — do not ­get me started on this d-i-saster-in-the-making — and , and says, “As I sat waiting outside his music room, I heard his prior appointment working with him in the other room. It was some actress singing horribly off-key … That made me feel better. I heard him say good-bye and then the actress walked out of the room. It was Katie Holmes.”

Holmes said hello, and Tori "writes": “I didn’t know whether we should hug or shake hands. But the signal from her was immediately clear: Don’t even come close. I instantly got nervous. We clearly weren’t going to catch up on the last ten years. And we certainly weren’t going to talk about her husband, Tom Cruise."

So instead, Tori played The Mommy Card, and complimented Katie on her daughter, Suri and telling Holmes she had kids her own age. Holmes rresponded, “Oh, do you?”

Spelling claims. “Then I was annoyed. Come on. Okay, I know you’re busy. But you’re in the public eye. Don’t tell me you don’t follow the tabloids. Don’t tell me you don’t know anything about other celebrities and their kids. Then we stood there. She was just plastic. In a perfectly polite way. … My pits were drenched. I never sweat. It was that awkward. I thought, I know you’re not a robot because you can’t sing for sh-t”

Wow. Going for the jugular because Katie doesn’t read the tabloids and, ten years after you met for drinks, she didn’t know you had kids? Give her a break! 

She.Was.In.Prison!!

Way to sell books, Tori.

PS In that photo, who looks more plastic?

So, weird random fact of the day: Gwyneth Paltrow and Pink ALLEGEDLY became good friends when they were working together on Thanks For Sharing, that movie about sex addicts that bombed a while back. But it all turned sour when Pink started getting better reviews than Gwyneth — it was Pink’s first live-action movie — and ever since Gwyneth has been busy talking shiz about Pink, and even, wait for it, it’s all so grown-up and civilized, stopped following Pink on Twitter.

A source — and it might be one of her kids, after being homeschooled and picking out the perfect hemp shirt to wear and having lemon grass smoothies — says, “It was obvious Gwyneth was jealous. She started telling people, ‘Why would I ever want to work with that dirty girl again? She’s so unpleasant and unkempt, I don’t even like being around her.’”

Pink was said to be hurt by the Phoniness Known As Paltrow, but the source says she might get the last laugh writing “a song about a phony friend with two faces.”

I’d buy that.

I am not a fan of Lady Gaga; sure she can sing, but it’s all the extra stuff, the big shoes, and bad hair and wack-a-doody clothes … Enough! But, um, compared to Kelly Osbourne maybe Lady Gaga is a real ‘lady.’

See, they have been feuding for years, starting when Kelly criticized Gaga’s “show” business and the Gaga’s Little Monsters took to Twitter and told Kelly to die. Kelly said, Blah, and Gaga replied Blah Blah and Kelly threw down a Blah Blah Blah. 

I’m seriously too bored to recap the whole stupid feud.

But, last week Gaga was performing on Britain’s The X Factor, where Kelly’s mum — look at me going all Brit — is a judge. Gaga had heard it was Kelly’s 29th birthday so she posed for a picture with Missus O and a birthday cake for Kelly.

Kelly responded by flipping out in a series of Tweets. Here’s the first:

Not to be ungrateful but why would you send me a birthday cake via my MOTHER in a country half the world away? #JustSendItToME #LoveNotWar

But Kelly wasn’t done. She then put a photo of the cake on Instagram and added, “#EatMyShit #Hypocrisy” and Tweeted that, too! And she STILL wasn’t done. Here are the rest of the Tweets about the apology cake:

#StefaniStopIt!

You are so far behind you think you are first!

I live for a #Cause not for the #Applause!!!!!!!

Guys, don’t hate me, it’s a guilty pleasure…like #SimplyRed!

I like desert [sic], but i prefer the truth… it’s sweeter

‘Let them eat cake’ #MarieAntoinette

Gaga — and this is where she becomes Lady Gaga — responded simply with,

I didn’t know it was your B-day until this afternoon. Meant as a peace offering. Happy Birthday.

Then I guess Kelly sobered up or calmed down or grew up, because the next day she took to twitter again:

@ladygaga I acted like a child last night. Just not into publicity stunts call me & we will end this like adults I dont want 2 fight anymore

That’s kind of an apology, though the “Just not into publicity stunts” line is a dig. But it makes me laugh because someone who’s “not into publicity stunts” just publicity stunted all over Twitter.

Oh Kelly, it looks like you’ll never be Lady Kelly.