The Funny Papers

Random Musings

Last weekend we had a houseguest, and you know what they say about houseguests …

He’s a friend of ours that I met when I met Carlos at the beginning of the century. He’s funny, smart, and a bit of a perv. I love when he wants to talk politics and architecture and history, but then he suddenly veers into a conversation of dick size, and wouldn’t you f**k him, and, well, it’s all a little much. But, he came bearing gifts, or so he said, so I thought it might be a nice weekend. He came out of his room carrying an object and said it was for Carlos.

To me, it looked like a flashlight, and since Carlos has issues with his night vision, that’s what I thought. But Carlos was twisting off the top and when it came off, I thought I saw a lens on the top; flashlight. Oh wait, there’s a slit in the ‘lens’ and, yes, not a flashlight, but a Fleshlight; a toy some men use to, um, choke their chicken, spank their monkey, audition their hand puppet, clean their rifle … you get the idea.

Anyway, not the kind of ‘gift’ you’d expect from a sixty-six-year-old retired attorney from New York City who sounds more than a little like Beverly Leslie from Will and Grace.

But the best part? After the houseguest left, Carlos and I were talking about the gift and Carlos said … “At first I thought it was a martini shaker.” And that was no euphemism for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. And then he says, “When the lid came off I thought it was a bathroom deodorizer.”

Oy, Carlo. You gotta love him. I know I do.

I remember a couple of years ago when word came out that Target was supporting an anti-LGBT candidate for political office in Minnesota. I, and many of my gay brethren, opted to voice our dismay by boycotting Target—not hard for me since I’d been in Target maybe a  handful of times in my life, but still…

And the rightwingnut Christians thought the boycott was cruel and mean and began calling the LGBT community ‘homofascists’ who boycott any and all groups who don’t agree with us.

Cut to last month when Target came out in support of marriage equality in Wisconsin and what happened? Those same rightwingnut Christians began calling for a Target Boycott since the retailer didn’t agree with their agenda.

F**king hypocrites.

In TV Hot Guys News, I’ve become kind of addicted to the new USA show, You’re The Worst, about a couple of toxic people who fall in love and their toxicity doubles.

 It’s irreverent humor — which I love — and features Brit Chris Geere — with a delicious accent which I love — and his best friend played by Desmin Borges, who is almost always in his underwear — which I also love.

Just sayin’.

The folks in Michigan have gone crazy, y’all. How else do we explain how Gary Glenn, the president of the American Family Association of Michigan, won the GOP primary for a seat in the Michigan state House?

Glenn supports  Michigan’s 2004 constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage; he backed loon,  and “very special friend”, Mike Huckabee’s failed 2008 presidential bid; he wants to recriminalize homosexuality; he warns companies not to hire The Gays; he wants schools to ban Gay Straight Alliances because  they promote “homosexual propaganda” and “risky behavior”; he was a plaintiff in a lawsuit to stop the 2009 Federal Hate Crimes law because he said, falsely, obviously, it would criminalize the Bible.

WTF Michigan? You don’t wanna move ahead?

Last week we talked about Mary’s Gourmet Diner, the restaurant in North Carolina where the owner gave discounts to people who openly prayed before each meal because she thought it showed what good Christians they are.

Not so much anymore. Elizabeth Cavell, staff attorney at the Freedom From Religion Foundation, the largest national association of freethinkers, or people of no religious beliefs, began receiving complaints about the discount and sent a letter to diner owner, Mary Haglund, asking her to stop offering the discount.

“As a place of ‘public accommodation,’ it is illegal for Mary’s Gourmet Diner to discriminate, or show favoritism, on the basis of religion. Your restaurant’s restrictive promotional practice favors religious customers, and denies customers who do not pray and nonbelievers the right to ‘full and equal’ enjoyment of Mary’s Gourmet Diner.”

The next day a note was posted to the door at Mary’s announcing they would no longer offer the prayer discount:

“While you may exercise your right of religious freedom at this restaurant by praying over your meal to any entity or non-entity. We must protect your freedom from religion in a public place.”

Good.

In other TV news, the amazing Patti LaBelle is said to be joining the cast of American Horror Story: Freak Show this fall.

LaBelle will be playing Gabourey Sidibe’s mother in this next arc of the show, set in 1950s Jupiter, Florida, where it will focus on a series of mysterious murders centered around one of the few remaining side-show attractions in the country.

LaBelle’s character will delve into the truth about the “secrets of Twisty the clown killer.”

Twisty the clown killer? I am so in!

Hell hath no fury like a homophobe whose wife left him for another woman.

Jonathan Saenz, a virulently anti-gay activist and President of conservative group Texas Values, was divorced in August 2011 and court records show that his wife left him for another woman just months before he joined that hate group.

I guess when your wife leaves you for a woman, your only option is to run out and join an anti-gay group?

I watched a news report on Robin Williams' suicide the other night, and they were "reporting" on how many people felt that the press conference following Williams' death was so bad, so inappropriate and so full of salacious information.

After that snippet, the news channel began speculating on Williams' marriage, his finances, and whether or not he was sober in his last few days.

Pot.Kettle.STFU.

But ... if you want to read an amazing blog post on depression, what it can feel like, and how one person copes with it as best they can, go to A Heritage of Humor - Stories from my Kitchen to read Joe's account of depression.

It brilliant.

RIP Robin Williams

The late Robin Williams, from Inside the Actor’s Studio, on what he hoped 'God' might say to him when he reached the Gates of heaven:

“It’d be nice to know that there is laughter. That’d be a good thing.”

i'm not a firm believer in Heaven, but if there is such a place I'd imagine there'd be a lot more laughter now.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Rihanna seems to be treading in LeAnn Rimes territory lately, getting caught up in an online ‘battle’ with a fan.

It seems that an Instagram user ms_kasharna1 responded to a picture of Rihanna and a relative with "I swear everyone in Rihanna’s family looks like they’re retarded… Must be the drugs and alcohol!”

Not nice; rude, actually. Stupid, definitely. But then Rihanna, never know to take the high road lest she’s actually high, responded by uploading an image to her Instagram of a goat and ms_kasharna1 , and then asking her followers to ‘spot the difference’. She also posted the picture on her Twitter feed, which is nearing 29.5 million followers.

To her credit, ms_kasharna1 deleted all of her Instagram photos, though on Twitter she continues to go after Rihanna:  “Rihanna looks so dirty!!! Like she hasn’t showered in days!”

Like I said, not nice, rude actually, stupid definitely, but, really, Rihanna? Did you have to respond? Did you have to sink to that level? Did you have to take it into the street?

Way to go, RiRi. I’ve changed my mind; you and Chris Brown are perfect for each other.

Look at Janice Dickenson, the self-declared World’s First Supermodel-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L!

She used to be gorgeous, then she apparently fell in love with plastic surgery and the need to [she thinks] look forever young.

She has admitted to being a plastic surgery whore and a friend of The Bo, but then she went into Face-lifting and Lip Injections and now she looks like a plastic version of herself that has been left out in the hot sun too long.

But, to listen to her talk about her surgeries in laughable:

“I had my boobs done when I was 32. Back in the Jurassic era!  I had a tummy tuck and face-lift – and so has every other woman in Hollywood! Sue me. I do Botox and Restylane. I don’t get anything in my cheeks, though. I have perfect bone structure. And my lips are mine.”

Uh huh. Methinks the photos tell another story.

“I don’t think my appearance has changed. I just think my face has matured. Do Halle or Julia or Meryl still look the same? No!”

Um, they at least look like themselves, though Janice.

Knock it off.

Need proof that The Gays can have as disastrous a marriage as The Straights, then look no further than David Tutera, of TVs My Fair Wedding.

It seems that Tutera has filed for d-i-v-o-r-c-e from his husband on ten years, Ryan Jurica, and he wants full custody of the unborn twins that are growing in a surrogate's womb right now, and then it got ugly.

Ryan Jurica is making all sorts of nasty claims about his wanna-be-an-ex-husband. See, two days before David filed papers in L.A., Ryan filed his owner papers in Connecticut and said that their 10 year marriage died, because David is addicted to, um, rent boys, er,  leased dick. Ryan claims the couple went to a therapist to make it work, but it didn’t work because David would come home smelling like Rent-a-whore.

Just like David, Ryan wants full custody of their unborn twins, though he admits that while David earns about a million a year, he doesn’t make a dime because he didn’t work while they were married. Then, I guess hoping it makes him look like the better parent, he says after David left him, he turned to The Drink and was forced to spend time in rehab. He has also been arrested once for DWI and once for being drunk in public.

Seriously, these two prove that The Gays can be just as dysfunctional and disgusting in marriage as The Straights; in fact, aren’t they just The Gay version of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller?

So, Not-Gay-And-In-The-Closet Ryan Seacrest and Not-Beard Julianne Hough broke up.

Color me surprised. As surprised as I was when David Gest dumped Liza, or Liza dumped David; whatever.

The Seacrest-Hough [pronounced Seacrest-Huff, not the more amusing Seacrest-Ho] split occurred in mid-March after the two had been ‘dating’ for two years and the break-up seems to have taken.

Now, as if to prove he has come to terms with being dumped, comes news that Ryan has purchased a $3 million LA home for Hough. Seriously? Now, why oh why would someone buy their ex—he bought the house well after the breakup—a mansion unless, included in the mortgage, was a Silence Clause. As in don’t tell people that Ryan really swings the other way.

A former pal of the American Idol host says that, despite his goody-two-shoes-Dick-Clark-in-the-making image, Seacrest has some unusual appetites in the boudoir region, and so, to avoid having the exes spill the beans, he buys them $3 million worth of quiet.

Man, a $3 million house is an excellent return on a two-year relationship investment.

So, we talked David Tutera and Ryan Jurica, now let’s dish on their Straight Counterparts, Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen.

It seems that Child protective Services came to Brooke’s house and found it more of a drug den than a home and removed her twin boys—the one’s she had with her husband, Charlie Sheen before he pulled a knife on her—from the home. And they took the boys to Charlie’s house.

No. They didn‘t. Rather than take the boys to their father’s house after discovering their mother is a drug mule, the authorities actually gave Brooke and Charlie’s boys to his other ex-wife, Denise Richards.

Now, Brooke’s in hospital for drug abuse issues… again….for the, and this is not a lie or an exaggeration, the twentieth time…and after detoxing, she’ll move to a residential treatment center. Then she’ll get out and do it all over again.

Sad, really, but even sadder still is that, after Brooke entered rehab again, Denise and Charlie attended an emergency custody hearing to review the boys’ placement. The judge agreed that they should stay with Denise, who is already a single mom to three daughters under 10, and the boy’s father, Charlie, has agreed that the best place for his sons.

Not with him. With his ex-wife who isn’t their mother. Now, this may appear pathetic that he doesn’t even want his own sons, but I will commend him just this once for knowing that he is such an over-top- fuck up that he realizes his children would be better off with Denise.

Still…..anyone can have a child, or twins, these days.

I know she’s all locked up at the Betty Ford Center, but Lindsay Lohan’s crack-tivities are keeping her in the news.

It seems that Lohan doesn’t like the BFC and is trying to finagle a change of venue to a more productive rehab facility in Hawaii. Does she think she can switch rehabs like people switch hotels? Well, here’s why she hates the BFC:

She has to get up at 6:30 every morning and do chores like dress herself and make her bed and comb her weave.

She still gets to take her Adderall, but BFC doctors are evaluating Lindsay’s diagnosis and the efficacy of the drug. If doctors disbelieve her diagnosis or the usefulness of Adderall, they will cut her off.

Unlike her last stint at the BFC, Lohan will get no Day Passes to go clubbing and shopping and drug scoring.

Still, one problem with the BFC is that they only offer 30 day treatments, so Lohan might have to do the same 30-day program three times in a row. Sidenote: Lohan’s former lawyer, never paid, but hired back, Shawn Holley insists that Betty Ford does offer longer programs.

So hard to be a drug addict and stuck in rehab where you can’t party and lay by the pool all day.

If I ever go to rehab, I wanna go to a Four Season one, on a beach, with hot cabana boys.

You gotta love Robin Williams. After he, and the rest of the world, caught sight of that hideous outfit Kim Kardashian wore to the Met Ball, he Tweeted that picture: "I think I wore it better."

But, even funnier than his Tweet is the news that it was Kanye who picked out the dress for Kim. Seriously, he wanted his Baby Mama to look like a couch in a whorehouse?

Funnier still, is word that Kanye was “annoyed” and “embarrassed” that she altered it by removing the belt and adding sleeves. Yeah, a belt would have helped. Not.

And, finally, funniest of all, is that on Vogue’s website, where they featured all the Met Ball guests, they included Kanye West but basically erased the Kash Kow from sight. So what you have is Kanye holding a disembodied hand, and Kardashian MIA in the photo and in the entire gallery.

Other couples photographed together remain intact. Kardashian was the only one cropped out.

I giggle.