The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Michael de Adder, Dave Whamond, Walt Handelsman, Mike Luckovich, Drew Sheneman, Ben Jennings, Nick Anderson, Jack Ohman, Ann Telnaes,  Marc Murphy, Bill Day, Pat Chappatte, Lisa Benson

The Funny Papers

Dave Whamond, Ed Hall, Pedro X Molina, Mike Smith, Clay Bennett, Mike Luckovich, Michael Ramirez, Lalo Alcaraz, Adam Zyglis, Ed Wexler, Marc Murphy, Jack Ohman,

I Didn't Say It

Ron DeSantis, Florida’s fascist governor, still stinging form the Mickey Mouse bitchslap, panders to Thing 45 and his ilk:

“The weaponization of the legal system to advance a political agenda turns the rule of law on its head. It is un-American. The Soros-backed Manhattan District Attorney has consistently bent the law to downgrade felonies and to excuse criminal misconduct. Yet now he is stretching the law to target a political opponent. Florida will not assist in an extradition request given the questionable circumstances at issue with this Soros-backed Manhattan prosecutor and his political agenda.”

You’re so transparent Ron. You’re either doing this because you think the MAGAts will swing to your team in Thing 45 goes away, or you’re doing this because you think it might make a criminal more popular And you’ll lose in 2024.

Either way, you look like a bitch.

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Steve Scalise, House Majority Leader, who himself nearly died in a mass shooting, knows how to stop the bloodshed:

“The first thing in any kind of tragedy I do is I pray. I pray for the victims. I pray for their families. I really get angry when I see people trying to politicize it for their own personal agenda, especially when we don’t even know the facts. We’ve talked about things that we can do, and it just seems like on the other side, all they want to do is take guns away from law abiding citizens before they even know the facts. The first thing they talk about is taking guns away from law abiding citizens. And that’s not the answer, by the way. So why don’t we number one, keep those families in our prayers.”

It’s been over ten years since Sandy Hook and with the GOP offering nothing but prayers it is clear that Steve Scalise is a dumb fuck.

It’s been six years since Steve Scalise was shot, and clearly his own prayers didn’t even save him.

What’s that saying … doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity? That’s Scalise and the GOP; fucking insane.

Praying doesn’t work.

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Brian Kilmeade, Fox & Friends host, on that Thing 45 rally in wacko Texas:

“The United States’ former president opened up with January 6 video, which is insane! He should be running from that, period. I don’t care [about] his point of view, that is not a good thing for him. I thought that was absolutely awful. Even though he is winning in the polls, that will not help.”

He doesn’t care; his ego is so huge, and so overrun with Adderall and syphilis that he thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and his Red Hatted MAGAT minions will do his dirty work for him.

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Kanye West, on his new pro-Jew stance and how it happened:

“Watching Jonah Hill in 21 jump street [sic] made me like Jewish people again. No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred towards millions of innocent people.”

Seriously, someone get him back on his meds.

Also of note, Kanye dd not disavow his love for Hitler.

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Gregg Jarrett, Fox News legal analyst  and apparent moron, has a new theory about January 6:

“One wonders, did Nancy Pelosi want it to get out of hand? Is that the reason why her daughter was suddenly there filming her mother in this heroic role? Because all of this, you know, was somehow planned and conjured up? You know, I think it’s worth asking the question but the committee wouldn’t allow it.”

Yes, Nancy Pelosi riled up the MAGAt Minions to march to the Capitol and “take back” their country because her daughter was there filming a documentary.

Um, Gregg, you ignorant fool, Pelosi’s daughter was there because it was an historic day in American politics, as it is every four years, when a presidential election result is certified.

Only one politician prodded a mob or miscreants, losers, basement dwellers, and tiny dicked Proud Boys to go to the Capitol that day.

PS Gregg Jarrett says his home Wi-Fi mysteriously goes down whenever he’s writing a hit piece about Biden.

It might be that tin-foil hat, fool.

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Tim Burchett, Tennessee GOP Congressman, has said the quiet part out loud about mass shootings in America:

“We’re not going to fix it. It’s a horrible, horrible situation, and we’re not going to fix it. Criminals are gonna be criminals. [My] daddy fought in the second world war, fought in the Pacific, fought the Japanese, and he told me, he said, ‘Buddy,’ he said, ‘if somebody wants to take you out, and doesn’t mind losing their life, there’s not a whole heck of a lot you can do about it.’”

Just let ‘em die and keep on moving, eh you ignorant gun loving fuck? And when this fool was asked a follow up question about how to protect his own daughter in school, Burchett replied:

“Well, we homeschool her, but you know, that’s our decision. Some people don’t have that option and frankly, some people don’t need to do it. I mean, they don’t have to. It just suited our needs much better.”

So he sees the problem of mass shootings in schools but I guess if his kid is safe then there’s nothing for him to do.

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Rachel Maddow, on Thing 45 promoting a Twitter poll conducted by Elon Musk’s favorite right-wing troll:

“Very, very exciting for them, right? If you look closely, you can see that the source for this poll is… Oh, @catturd2! Congratulations, sir! Who among us has not longed for the day in which we can claim victory in the acclaimed @catturd2 presidential poll? You know, @catturd2 does really seem to appeal to [Thing 45] in a visceral way, and I will note that Mike Pence is almost certainly not coming back as [Thing 45] running mate. I know it doesn’t totally roll off the tongue, but the t-shirts would be incredible, right? Vote [Thing 45]-Catturd2, for a Fresh Step! Scoop away your worries! Now with less clumping!”

It would be nice if Thing 45 had less clumping. But the best part is that he’s retweeting Catturd2 and their endorsement.

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Vote. Vote Blue. Here's A Slew Of Reasons Why

Mike Lee, Utah GOP Senator, says he’d heard “rumors circulating in the days and weeks leading up to January 6 .. suggesting that some states would be shifting out their slates of electors” and says he decided to open and count the electoral votes and make phone calls to investigate the truthfulness of those rumors.

What Mike Lee doesn’t say is that he sent multiple text messages to Thing 45 offering to help overturn the result of the election. That isn’t searching for the truth, that’s being a traitor, and that’s the GOP.

Lauren Boebert, the GOP Representative, criminal and ALLEGED former escort, believes women are a “lesser vessel” when compared to men:

“We are created equal, we’re not the same. Women are the lesser vessel and we need masculinity in our lives to balance that, that so-called weakness. Just us being more frail and needing that strength in our lives.”

I guess Lauren’s GED didn’t explain what equal means, but this is the GOP where women cannot make their own healthcare choices and one woman in Congress thinks y’all are less than, and that’s the GOP.

Lindsey Graham, South Carolina’s GOP Senator, has asked the Supreme Court to block a subpoena from the special grand jury investigating efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election in Georgia, arguing that his efforts after the 2020 election were legislative activities protected by the Speech and Debate Clause of the US Constitution.

But ask yourself this, if it was all protected by Free Speech, why not testify? Is it because he’s maybe wrong and lying and that’s the GOP?

Greg Abbott, GOP Governor of Texas, was aware of the flight of migrants from San Antonio to Martha’s Vineyard though he denied any involvement. And yet text messages released by Abbott’s office in response to a public information request show otherwise.

That can be called kidnapping, and that’s the GOP.

Ron DeSantis, Florida’s Fascist Governor, also faces multiple lawsuits, and it seems he expected as much—which means he knew what he was doing was wrong—because the “nonrecurring sum of $1,500,000 from the General Revenue Fund is appropriated to the Department of State for Fiscal Year 2021-2022, for litigation.”

For litigation against what, Ronnie? Human trafficking. That’s the GOP.

Kari Lake, Arizona’s QAnon candidate for governor, did not answer—when asked multiple times—if she will accept the results of her state’s 2022 gubernatorial election if she loses.

She did say she’ll accept the results if she wins, but not if she loses and that’s what the GOP does

Mehmet Oz is a lying quack doctor who has paid millions in fines for lying about products he was paid to hawk on his TV show, but this is a new low …

At a campaign event in Philadelphia a Black woman broke down in tears describing the fatal shootings of her brother and nephew, and was comforted by Oz. Once the encounter was featured in local and national news reports, journalists discovered that the distraught woman, Sheila Armstrong, is a paid member of the Oz campaign staff.

He's always lied, and he’s still lying, and that’s what the GOP does.

Steve Scalise, GOP congressman, claims Nancy Pelosi didn't do enough to secure the building while under siege. But the funny thing about lying, pandering Steve Scalise is that video footage shows him in the room when Pelosi was calling the National Guard; not only in the room, but mere feet away from Pelosi. But still he lied because that’s what the GOP does.

Herschel Walker, the dumb as a rock GOP candidate for a Senate seat in Georgia as a Republican mocked transgender people who serve in the military:

“Hey, just think about it: Pronoun? In our military? How do you identify? In our military? These are war times. What happened to push-ups? Sit-ups? Because I can tell you right now, China, Iran, and Russia are not talking about pronouns.”

First off, how does he get from  pronouns to pushups, and why oh why would he compare us to three countries with poor records on human rights, especially when it comes to LGBTQ+ people?

This is what the GOP wants the people of Georgia to elect so that they can gain a seat in the Senate, caring not at all that he’s an idiot, because that’s what the GOP does.

SCOTUS overturned Roe v Wade while the GOP cheered, and now we see a result: at least two children who were victims of incest have been denied abortions in Florida since the state instituted its 15-week ban. The GOP-controlled state legislature allowed exceptions to the 15-week ban in order to save the mother’s life, prevent serious injury, or if the fetus has a fatal abnormality.

Not for rape or incest, which means rapists and child molesters have more rights than their victims, and that’s what the GOP does.

Marjorie Taylor Greene tried to make a show of herself standing up for Confederate soldiers and “our nation’s history”—the wrong side of history—but failed as she always does. She visited the Wilder Brigade Monument in Georgia to claim that the memorial recognizes “Confederate soldiers” but apparently is as dumb as Lauren Boebert because what she believed was a Confederate monument actually pays tribute to Union troops that battled the Confederates there and won.

She is utterly clueless and doesn’t care, but that’s what the GOP does.

Now, if Greene’s ignorance doesn’t scare you, maybe this will: a New York Times reporter confirmed rumors that if Thing 45 gets the GOP nomination in 2024 he will consider his fellow serial adulterer, liar and cheater, Marjorie Taylor Greene as his running mate.

A heartbeat away from the presidency …

I Didn't Say It ...

Nancy Pelosi, House Speaker, responding to _____’s real-time Twitter attack on former Ukraine ambassador Marie Yovanovitch during her testimony:

“He made a mistake. He should not frivolously throw out insults, but that’s what he does. I think part of it is his own insecurity as an imposter. I think he knows full well that he’s in that office way over his head. And so he has to diminish everyone else.”

Little men, tiny penises, giant egos.

And they hate to be taken down by women!

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Laura Ingraham, Fox asshat, saying _____ cannot be impeached for bribery because the aid went through:

“Okay. Here’s the problem, yeah, of course Nancy, it’s in the Constitution, we can read. The president may be impeached for bribery, treason, or high crimes and misdemeanors. But even assuming the Democrats’ strained and ridiculous interpretation of the facts, and I do not assume them but just for the sake of their argument, attempted bribery isn’t in the Constitution. Remember, Ukraine got its military aid. It was 14 days delayed. Big deal.”

Except, Laura, you ignorant tool, the aid was only released when the story went public because the whistleblower spoke up.

Now, sit down and play dumb.

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Lisa Kennedy, Fox Business host, slammed _____ for his Tweet attacks on former U.S. ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch:

“Should the president be tweeting at her mid-hearing? No, it makes him look like a big dumb baby. And he makes her look like a victim and if he’d just let it go, the last two days of hearings and testimony would’ve been a snoozefest.”

Not really a snoozefest because we learned what a liar and a traitor the Big Dumb Baby really is, Lisa.

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William Barr, Attorney General, defending _____’s use of executive authority in bribing the president of Ukraine for Biden dirt:

“While the president has certainly thrown out the traditional Beltway playbook and punctilio, he was up front about what he wanted to do and the people decided they wanted him to serve as president.”

Oh Billy, sit down and wait for _____ to give you a treat, and listen up:

When your Boss was inaugurated, the GOP controlled the Senate, the GOP controlled the House, the first investigation into _____’s illegal activities was opened by Republican Rod Rosenstein, with republican Robert Mueller in charge,

You lie, and we all know it.

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Pope Francis, saying politicians who rage against homosexuals, gypsies and Jews remind him of Hitler:

“It is not coincidental that at times there is a resurgence of symbols typical of Nazism. And I must confess to you that when I hear a speech (by) someone responsible for order or for a government, I think of speeches by Hitler in 1934, 1936. With the persecution of Jews, gypsies, and people with homosexual tendencies, today these actions are typical (and) represent ‘par excellence’ a culture of waste and hate. That is what was done in those days and today it is happening again.”

First off, Frankie, it’s not a “tendency” okurrrrr.

And secondly, do not even pretend to act like you might be an iota of LGBTQ+-friendly, because any man who lets children be raped by adults, and does nothing to stop it, or to punish the rapists, can simply fuck off.

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Steve Scalise, House Minority Whip, continuing to support _____ for pardoning two Army officers who were accused of war crimes because, well, wait for his asshatted response:

“I’ve heard, from our men and women in uniform for years that they felt that they were sidelined because they needed a team of attorneys before they could return fire in the battlefield. I think our troops’ morale is much higher—troops that I’ve heard from—because this has been a concern.”

Seriously, pardoning murderers boosts morale?

By that logic pardoning murderers who kill civilians should make us all feel safer.

Scalise is the dickhead Republican who was shot while playing baseball, but I guarantee he has no desire to forgive or pardon his killer, who was killed himself that same day.

Of note: _____ pardoned Army 1st Lt. Clint Lorance and Maj. Mathew Golsteyn despite concerns from Pentagon officials that the pardons could undermine the military justice system.

The military brass don’t like the idea, but asshatted Republicans love it.

More guns, more loons!

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Kenneth Starr, FOX News commentator best known for investigating Clinton administration, wondering if,  after Ambassador Sondland testified, senators would pressure _____ to resign:

“The real issue is, the senators are watching. Are senators going to now say in light of what we hear today, it’s going to be a long day even with the ambassador alone, in light of what we have heard, ‘We need to make a trip down to the White House?’ That historic example set during the Nixon presidency. From what I’ve been able to glean I don’t think that’s going to happen. But obviously what happens today could—has the potential to be a game-changer. There will be articles of impeachment, I think we’ve known that … It’s over … This is his position, we now know that the president, in fact, committed the crime of bribery … Articles of impeachment are being drawn up if they haven’t already been drawn up.”

Now, all we need is the GOP members of the House and Senate to strap on their balls, straighten their spines, put country over party AND over _____, and get this criminal out of office.

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Random Musings

Carlos eyes are not getting better, though we knew that was the case. We saw a doctor in Charleston last month and he told her he was thinking of starting to use a white cane because ... and this is just one more reason I love him ... then people would see him coming, get out of his way, and he’d feel less nervous being in strange places. Even the doctor said that was a wise way to look at it.

So, about a week later, his cane arrived in the mail; he only uses it when he’s in places he’s unfamiliar with, and just so that people see him coming and adjust accordingly and he can focus on looking ahead instead of looking down; the cane does the “looking down” for him.

Now, that said, at a staff meeting at his job this past week, his boss asked him to tell the office about his eye condition—Retinitis Pigmentosa—and to explain that he might be using the cane on occasion and this is what he said:

“I have RP, which a person gets when they have sex under a Black Moon.”

Luckily most people laughed but a few—and remember we’re in South Carolina—laughed nervously.

But it broke the ice and several people then talked with him about the cane and if he ever needed anything ... all in all, except for the Black Moon Sex, it was a good thing.

Remember last spring when House Majority Whip, and Republican, Steve Scalise was shot while playing baseball by some lunatic with a gun?

Well, Scalise returned to Congress just a few days before the mass shooting in Las Vegas and he says this latest shooting—which left 59 dead and over 500 injured—has only reconfirmed his opposition to gun control.

Yes, he was shot by a deranged man with a gun and then watched the events in Las Vegas and still doesn’t think we need any form of gun control.

Asshat.

UPDATE ... Last month I posted the story of Family Values Conservative Republican Tim Murphy’s adulterous affair proving he’s a lying hypocritical pig, and now, well, it’s worse.

It appears now that pro-life asshat Tim Murphy urged the woman with whom he was having that affair to abort her pregnancy during what turned out to be an “unfounded pregnancy scare” in January.

And on the very same day this story broke lying hypocritical pig Tim Murphy voted for legislation that would ban abortion after 20 weeks.

He’s pro-life when it comes to you but pro-abortion when it comes to his mistress being knocked up. And now, Murphy—from Pennsylvania—has announced he will not seek re-election when his current term is up:

"After discussions with my family and staff, I have come to the decision that I will not seek reelection to Congress at the end of my current term. In the coming weeks I will take personal time to seek help as my family and I continue to work through our personal difficulties and seek healing. I ask you to respect our privacy during this time."

Personal difficulties? While married you began an affair with a married woman and then asked her to have an abortion and you want to play this off like you have some difficult issues?

The only difficulty you have is being a lying cheating adulterous hypocritical pig.

I need some Hot Men to calm me down ... or heat me up ... so without further ado, the Men of Liar ... the story of a well-respected doctor who goes on a date with a teacher and then she reports that he raped her.

Ioan Griffudd plays the ALLEGED rapist, Dr. Andrew Earlham, while Richie Campbell is Liam Sutcliffe, the ALLEGED victim’s brother-in-law, with Warren Brown as Tom Bailey, the ALLEGED victim’s boyfriend.

One show, triple the Eye Candy.

UPDATE ... this past week I posted about _____’s DOJ getting involved in a case about a gay man being fired for being gay and coming down on the side of the employer ... meaning the _____ Administration is fine with gay folks being fired for being gay.

Well, it looks like the DOJ got smacked down somewhat by the court after EEOC attorney Jeremy D. Horowitz explained why “sexual orientation cannot be separated from sex”:

1. The “but-for” theory ... argues that anti-gay discrimination qualifies as sex discrimination because, but for the gay person’s sex, he would not suffer discrimination.

2. The sex stereotyping theory ... SCOTUS ruled that sex stereotyping—punishing a worker for her failure to conform to gender norms—is a kind of sex discrimination. At first, courts only applied sex stereotyping to masculine women and feminine men, but the Seventh Circuit Court explained that gay people are “the ultimate case of failure to conform” to sex stereotypes, since men and women are typically expected to date only individuals of the opposite sex.

3. The associational sex discrimination theory ... holds that anti-gay bias constitutes sex discrimination much like anti-miscegenation laws constituted race discrimination.

That set up Assistant Attorney General Hashim Mooppan—arguing to legalize discrimination—to make his case ... which did not go well.

Chief Judge Katzmann wanted to know why the DOJ didn’t defer to the EEOC on Title VII, as it almost always does and Mooppan said it was because the DOJ was the nation’s “largest employer” and had an interest in retaining its capacity to fire gay people for being gay. Then as Judge Katzmann began asking more questions about interactions between the EEOC and the DOJ Mooppan declined to answer, basically Pleading the Fifth, which did not sit well with the court.

It was a terrible start for Mooppan, and it only went downhill from there because, as he explained: sex discrimination must always involve a belief that one sex is inferior to the other. Anti-gay discrimination does not rest on such a belief, and so it is not sex discrimination.

That theory is ridiculous for a few reasons, though, as the court pointed out, the most obvious one is that decades of case law disprove it. The Supreme Court has never held that an employer must express animus toward one sex in order to violate Title VII but need only take sex into account in any adverse employment action to run afoul of the law.

Judge Jacobs asked Mooppan whether he can refute the EEOC’s associational discrimination theory and its parallel to interracial and interfaith marriage, and Mooppan responded:

“When you discriminate against interracial marriage, you are promoting racial superiority. When you discriminate against interfaith marriage, you are promoting religious superiority. That makes the comparison to homosexuality moot.”

Except, to the judges it seemed to make the EEOC’s stance true that the DOJ was peddling a “radical reinterpretation of Title VII.”

The arguments concluded, but because of Mooppan’s refusal to answer certain questions, and the fact that his own arguments seemed to support the other side, it looks like the court might rule in favor of the EEOC and disallow the idea that it’s perfectly acceptable to fire someone for being gay.

Fingers crossed; we may have dodged a bullet.

This week, two weeks after the hurricane, _____ finally went to Puerto Rico and wasted no time in congratulating himself and putting down the people of Puerto Rico and saying the island should be “very proud” of its low official death count:

“Every death is a horror, but if you look at a real catastrophe like Katrina, and you look at the tremendous hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that died and you look at what happened here with a story that was just totally overpowering.”

And then he downplayed how dire things are in Puerto Rico, where more than half of the people don’t have power, running water, or cellphone service two weeks after Hurricane Maria

“What is your death count?” Trump asked Puerto Rican governor, Ricardo Rossello. “Sixteen, certified” he replied. “Sixteen people certified. Sixteen people versus in the thousands,” he said, comparing it to Katrina.

And, since most of those are brown-skinned people who speak Spanish and therefore didn’t vote for _____ what’s the big deal?

Oh,. And let’s not forget that he told an island filled with people asking for help with the basic necessities of life that Puerto Rico has “thrown our budget a little out of whack.”

Says the man who costs this country millions of dollars so he can haul his fat white lazy ass to the gold course every weekend.

In Good News ... this week the US Census Bureau reversed a previous decision to exclude a question on sexual orientation from the Census after many in the LGBT community demanded to be included; Rea Carey, Executive Director of the National LGBTQ Task Force, issued the following statement:

“Make no mistake—public pressure on the _____ Administration works. It was messages from the members of the National LGBTQ Task Force and our partner organizations that compelled the Census Bureau to reverse their appalling decision to stop counting us.”

Resist, and you will see change.

Last week the United Nations Human Rights Council in Geneva voted to condemn “horrific laws” that condemn people to death because of their sexual orientation; 27 nations voted in favor of condemning the resolution; 7 nations abstained; 13 nations voted against condemning.

The thirteen who voted against the resolution?

Bangladesh, Botswana, Burundi, China, Egypt, Ethiopia, India, Iraq, Japan, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates ...

... and the United States of America.

Yes, we did. We voted not to condemn countries that give gay people death for being gay.

Carlos has been fighting a cold this week so I am the cook. I cooked dinner last Friday, Saturday, Sunday—I made Chicken Soup for his cold—and Monday. On Tuesday he said he’d cook and then he ... wait for it ... microwaved the pasta sauce that I made the day before and reheated some leftover pasta, too, and called it dinner.

When we sat down to hit, he said, sarcastically, to me:

“Uh, thanks for dinner?”

To which I sarcastically replied:

“Uh, when you microwave pasta sauce and reheat yesterday’s noodles, that is not cooking. Thank you’s are not necessary; but if they were, you could thank me for making the sauce and noodles that you could simply warm up.”

I’m lucky not to have ended up with a face full of marinara!

Man how shocking was it to hear that Tom Petty died this week at 66? I mean, I saw him, and the Heartbreakers, in concert several times and it was always a great show.

Petty suffered a heart attack last Sunday night and then passed away later at UCLA Santa Monica Hospital. He had just ended a tour celebrating the band’s fortieth anniversary with three sold-out shows at the Hollywood Bowl.

I guess he wanted to go out on a high note.

RIP Tom; thanks for all the music, and enjoy The Great Wide Open.