It's Snarkurday!

There are all kinds of theories as to why Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris exploded, but maybe it just boils down to Kewpie Doll Ego?

See, Calvin had a fairly big hit song with “This Is What You Came For” — I only know this because I read it, not because I ever heard the song … ick — but ALLEGEDLY some of the lyrics — differing versions of “Oooooooooh Oooooooooh” — were written by Swifty.

Folks say Swifty ALLEGEDLY wrote the song, sent it to Calvin, and they recorded a demo, but then felt it was wrong to work together on some sucky tune — because Taylor has the rights to all sucky tunes — so Rihanna sang it and TayTay was reduced to background Ooooohs. Then when Calvin was out promoting the song he said he wouldn’t do music with Taylor … and … cue Taylor Swift’s Teenage Meltdown.

And cue her people “accidentally” releasing information that she co-wrote the tune. Then cue Calvin, trying to make nice—saying Swifty is :::cough cough::: an “amazing lyric writer” and that she sang on the song too—but when Swift moved on to Tom Hiddleston the niceties were off.  Harris began Mean-Tweeting and even dragged TayTay’s Best Frenemy into the fight by saying he would not let Swift “bury him” the way she tried to bury Katy Perry.

Perry then piped up on Twitter with a GIF of Hilary Clinton giving some side-eye and then reTweeted some shade she’s posted about Taylor’s “Bad Blood” video:

“Time will tell.”

Now, seriously, these folks are too damn old and too damn famous for these kinds of Twit Feuds, but then other folks, less rich, less famous, less Swifty Robotic, started a hashtag #TaylorSwiftIsoverParty and then trolled Taylor’s Instagram and filled the comments section with snake emojis.

Taylor isn’t talking, or singing, but I imagine she’ll marry Tom Hiddleston as a way to “get back” at everyone and then “write” a bunch of grown-assed-woman-teenage-angsty songs about it to punish us further.

Consider yourselves warned.

Tori Spelling has learned that no matter how many times you cry poverty, you still gotta pay your taxes.

See, California has hit Tori, and her co-adulterer husband, with a tax lien to the tune of $259,108.23 in unpaid taxes from 2014.

What will Tori do? Probably pitch a reality show to Lifetime called Tori and Dean in the Slammer.

Lamar Odom is ALLEGEDLY drinking again … a few months after he almost died from the drink and the drug and the hookers at a Nevada brothel. But sources — most likely That Woman, his not-yet-ex-mother-in-law — say Lamar isn’t worried and can handle his drinking; or can he?

Think again because this week Lamar was kicked off a flight for being a drunken mess.

Waiting for a flight from LAX to NYC Lamar decided to beers and whiskey in an airport bar, and by the time he boarded the plane, before he even sat down, Odom started vomiting in the galley and the bathroom.

Doused in puke, Lamar was escorted off the plane by flight attendants while a cleaning crew came in and un-puked it … and then it got messier ten minutes later, when Lamar was allowed back on the plane. He sat down, then got up and, this time, made it to the bathroom before the hurling commenced and then he was taken off the flight for good.

But this isn’t all on Lamar … howsabout the bartender who thought it was a good idea to serve Lamar Odom all that booze, or the flight attendants who brought his drunken ass back onto the plane?

Seriously, if that was me they’d have slammed my ass in airport jail, but rich drunks get preferential treatment as long as they only puke once.

Puke twice and all bets are off.

In a prime example of ‘snark,’ “Difficult People” creator Julie Klausner says Hollywood stars only pretend to be pals — and that Gwyneth Paltrow is the biggest, phoniest “backstabber” in town:

“They pretend that they are [all great friends], but the stuff that is said about people behind the scenes is really terrible. [And] well — Gwyneth Paltrow — there’s many a tale to tell … all kinds of backstabbing.”

Klausner would give no specific details — perhaps after learning that Paltrow sells hit men on GOOP — but did say that Paltrow is now “into [Eastern therapy] cupping — maybe she’s cupping instead of backstabbing.”

I’d be careful of the stabbing comments … Paltrow. GOOP. High-priced hit man. Still, Klausner has taken potshots at Paltrow before, like when she Tweeted:

“Click here to witness the chemistry between Gwyneth Paltrow and Jimmy Fallon AKA the comedy version of ammonia and bleach!”

I wonder which one was Paltrow?

Dr. Phil is suing mad and aiming his gut at the National Enquirer.

Yup, “Doctor” Phil and his wife Robin McGraw are suing American Media Inc., who owns the National Enquirer published almost 100 false stories about their marriage imploding over the last 13-year period.  Huh; I guess it’s best to handle the nasty tabloid stories for a decade so you can get a bigger payout?

Phil claims the National prints a fake story about him and Robin every two months … like he’s a cheater … like she’s divorcing him … like how she kicked him to the curb. You know, the stories they print about every pseudo-wannabe famous person like the McGraw’s … stories like how he’s a cheater, or how they’re headed for divorce, or how Robin kicked him to the curb.

Apparently Phil threatened American Media with a libel suit before, and they agreed to stop telling fibs but then the Enquirer was all, “No, we’re still talking.”

Still, I wonder why the McGraw’s didn’t file suit … oh, I don’t know … thirteen years ago. Maybe it really is just about getting a bigger payout? Maybe the Oprah money is running out? Maybe, ALLEGEDLY, they are divorcing and Phil needs to cash for alimony?

ALLEGEDLY.

It’s been a while since we heard about Lindsay Lohan Crack Drama—which I have suggested as the title of the “book” she said she’s “writing.” But then she turned 30 and crazy came out to play.

To celebrate the milestone — seriously, many people thought she wouldn’t live to see 25 — Lindsay’s fiancé Egor Tarabasov took Lohan and a group of people to Mykonos, Greece for a party. Lindsay tried to get various companies or brands to sponsor her birthday party but everyone was like, “Lindsay who?”

So maybe that’s why she brought the drama ... Lohan was ALLEGEDLY—I kid, using italics! — after reading a text on Egor’s phone and shocked the assembled guests — there were at least three hangers-on — and Egor’s mother Elena — by hurling the phone into the sea. Egor, in a way of getting back at Lohan to really hurt her, tossed his drink onto her head.

Wasting alcohol in front of — much less on top of — a Lohan? That’s almost a capital offense in that family.

Luckily, security pulled the lovebirds apart and Lindsay drove off — careful Mykonos, Lohan’s driving — and Egor continued to party.

Reality show famewhores Kim and Kyle Richards are being sued by a woman who claims that Kim’s dog Kingsley attacked her at Kyle’s house.

It all happened when the “stars” of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills invited stylist Paige Sanderson to Kyle’s house to dress Kim for a promotional appearance. Hopefully not at a hotel bar … if you know Kim. Or at a Target store … if you know Kim … or a wedding in Mexico … yada yada yada.

Kingsley, already known for his aggression — he ALLEGEDLY bit Kyle’s daughter in the last year — lunged at Sanderson, bit and held on to her lower abdomen and crotch, tearing off her leggings and underwear and ripping out portions of flesh.

That’s awful, but it gets uglier because Sanderson ALLEGES that Kim Richards refused to call 911 unless Sanderson promised to cover for Kingsley and blame the attack on a stray dog.

Well, Sanderson was like “Eff you” and is suing Kim and the dog, and Kyle because it happened at Kyle’s house. She wants cash for emotional distress, cosmetic surgery and medical bills and I want a front row seat at that mediation to watch Kim try to Word Soup an explanation and watch Kyle flip her hair and giggle.

It’ll all make for a Very Special Episode of RHoBH.

It's Snarkurday!

Johnny Depp spent a month touring with his “band,” The Hollywood Vampires, and when he returned to America, eagle-eyed observers noticed something different.

After Johnny married Amber Heard, he had the word “SLIM” tattooed on his knuckles; many people thought “SLIM” was a nickname for Amber, or maybe a private joke between the two.

But “SLIM” is no more; it now reads “SCUM.” Huh; maybe it was Amber’s nickname because it also appears that Depp “blackened out” the tattoo he had of Amber’s face on his right bicep.

Back in the day, when Johnny split up with former flame Winona Ryder he simply changed his “Winona Forever” tattoo into “Wino Forever.”

And that tattoo might have been the root of one of the problems in the Depp/Heard house … Wino.

Just in case you forgot Chris Brown was out to destroy everyone around him, and himself, here’s more:

Last week we learned he was being sued by a couple of people, and had fired a few others from his inner circle, but this time it’s about Chris taking his temper out on his surroundings.

On tour in Europe, Brown had rented a villa, though who in their right mind would rent anything, much less a villa, to Chris Brown? Perhaps someone who’s never heard of Chris Brown and his Temper?

Well, the landlord found out the hard way. It seems Chris was supposed to be out of the house at a certain time, but decided not to leave so the landlord called police in to remove Squatting Brown; it turns out that was the least of his problems.

According to a police report, the home was, ALLEGEDLY, a disaster. There were knife marks on the walls — either from throwing knives or carving up walls for no reason — and someone had peed on one of the beds; oh, and there was vomit everywhere.

The landlord claims Brown owes him $26,000 in rent, but after adding up the cost of all the damage, he now wants $60,000. A source close to Chris — seriously, who’s left? — says the rent issue is settled, and the reason it hadn’t been paid on time was due to a banking issue on the landlord’s end because, in Chris Brown’s world it’s always someone else’s fault.

Seriously. Don’t rent to Chris Brown … even an Outhouse deserves to be treated better.

Lindsay Lohan recently spoke with Vanity Fair about turning 30 and talked about the next chapter in her life and, it appears, The Cracken is writing a book …er, she’s having someone write her book.

But it’s not gonna be about ‘Lindsay The Drugged Out Mess’ or ‘Lindsay The Bar Brawler’ or ‘Lindsay The Jewel Thief’ or even ‘Lindsay The Former Child Star Turned Sloppy Mess Who’s Now Engaged To A Rich Russian’. Nope; Lindsay’s writing a self-help memoir:

“I am in the process of writing a book [about] my personal experiences in life and how to overcome obstacles. I hope that my words will connect with those who need some guidance when [or] if they are in a tough place. I am grateful that I have a voice, which I can now feel comfortable using as a platform to let people know that we all have ups and downs in life, and we can all come up from the downs if we get in touch with our inner self and spiritual side.”

So, it’s Lindsay The Delusional Wacktress Who “Wrote” A Book No One Asked For?

Lindsay also added that she’s gonna start making movies again:

“Making more films, writing my book, starting my charity, working with children a lot. Maybe having some of my own soon—after I get some movies done, first.”

Funny that, since no one is asking for a Lohan film or a book.

Well, it’s official: Clint and Dina Eastwood, while now divorced, are still one degree of separation away since Dina just married the ex-husband of Clint’s ex-girlfriend. I guess they live in a really small, inbred, kinda town?

After dating for three years, Dina has married basketball coach and old college friend, Scott Fisher, who just happens to be the ex-husband of a woman Clint dated while separated, but still married to, Dina.

See, Dina and Scott started, um, “reaching out” to one another while still married and when Erica, Scott’s wife, told Clint about the “reaching out,” they began, um, “reaching out,” too. And, when Dina got word that Clint was with Erica she suddenly filed for divorce. I guess the news that Clint was “reaching out” to Erica was just too much “reaching out” for Dina.

Sadly, while Dina and Scott are now officially husband-and-wife — for now — Clint and Erica are no longer “reaching.”

Seriously. It all has kind of a HazMat, Petri dish kinda feeling to it. I mean, your husband has, um, dipped his wick into you and your ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend who happens to be his ex-wife.

Ick. The upside is that Clint is now rumored to be dating a chair he met at the 2008 Republican National Convention.

I guess if you’re gonna marry Ciara you’re gonna get dragged into her very messy, multi-million dollar lawsuit against Future, her Baby Daddy. At least that’s what happened to her fiancé Russell Wilson.

Ciara has filed more legal documents in her $15 million defamation lawsuit against Future but this time it’s nothing to do with Who Gets The Baby. Nope, Ciara is now claiming to be terrified, terrified, I tell ya, that Future might be fixing to harm Russell because, she says, Future has been making “threats” towards Russell by using, wait for it, it’s stupid, gun emojis on Instagram.

Oh, and he’s singing about it, too; see, Ciara brings up a song Future released last month called “Juice” — even Future is trying to make coins off’a OJ — in which, she says, he smacks at Russell by saying:

“Tryna f**k my baby mama, dog what’s up with you? You gon’ make me get that heat, I’m pulling up on you.”

Um, maybe Future is talking about any number of his other Baby Mama?

Sit down Ciara; you just got married. Have a honeymoon and then come back with the drama.

So, the rumor was that Calvin Harris is the one who broke it off with Taylor Swift because he wanted no part of her Cotton Candy Wedding and didn’t want one of her cats to be his Best Man, but maybe he’s the one nursing the broken heart?

I mean, Taylor moved onto to photo ops with Tom Hiddleston about twelve seconds about Calvin left her Barbie Dreamhouse and now Calvin is playing the Heartsick Blues. He’s been in Mexico for a week and is ALLEGEDLY collaborating on a new song with British singer John Newman in which Calvin takes some digs at TayTay. The song is called “Ole,” and is written from Tom Hiddleston’s POV with the lyrics saying Taylor began boning Tom long before Calvin fled Candyland.

One lyric, sung as Tom, says:

“I see online that you begun to be a good girl and take trips with your boyfriend. Being attentive, continue to pretend …”

Another "Tom" line says:

“You’ve hidden my name in your phone so you can call me to tell me you’ve been going through hell. Left him alone and you booked in a hotel.”

And then Calvin cleverly … if you like a good conspiracy … uses Hiddleston’s ‘Thor’ character Loki in one line:

“Low key you won’t tell none of your friends about me.”

People close to Calvin, or, um, yeah, it’s Calvin, say he isn’t angry with Hiddleston; he feels Tom is under Taylor’s spell — I threw up a little in my mouth at that thought — and has no control over the situation and the planned Fourth of July photo shoots with professional photographers ordered weeks in advance of the TayTay-Calvin Split.

Just sayin’.

It's Snarkurday!

Just a bit of advice: don’t come for Adele unless she sends for you.

Recently, music producer Tom Visconti failed to heed that advice and began throwing shade … at Adele:

“You turn the radio on and it’s fluff, you are listening to 90% computerized voices. We know Adele has a great voice but it’s even questionable if that is actually her voice or how much has been manipulated. We don’t know. There’s a sound to pop now that is so perfect it’s boring, because everything is fixed.”

I, personally, was offended, because we’ve all heard Adele sing live many many times and we know she can sing.

So, the other night, in concert, singing live and un-manipulated, Adele took aim at Visconti:

“Some dickhead tried to say that my voice was not me on record… Dude, suck my d-ck.” 

I’m in love with Adele for not saying some politically correct BS and just laying into Visconti, who might have been better served going after manipulated singers like Katy Perry or Taylor Swift — remember her “live” performance at the Grammys a few years back when she sounded like a screeching cat in a bag?

Or better yet, Tom, take on Britney for over-manipulation …. Except that would be like shooting Fish Who Can’t Carry A Tune In A Barrel.

I haven’t talked about Johnny Depp and Amber heard lately, though Amber really seems to be going for the coins, because she’s suing a friend of Johnny’s for calling her a gold-digger. It doesn’t make things look any better when new rumors surface that that Amber gave two thumbs down to a two settlement offers from Johnny.

Note to Amber: if someone calls you a gold-digger don’t sue them for … gold; and don’t keep turning down cash because you think you can get more.

I also didn’t talk about the rumor that Amber was physically abusive to an ex-girlfriend—she was arrested in a Seattle airport for striking her ex-love … pre-Johnny—because it makes it sound like since Amber uses her hands in an argument it makes it okay for Johnny to use his when fighting, too; it doesn’t.

It’s being said that Amber was offered $50,000 a month in spousal support for eight months and turned that down; funny, because when Amber first asked for a temporary restraining order, she also asked for $50,000 a month in spousal support and the judge said “Oh hell no” to that.

Now, Johnny says he will only cough up the monthly fifty-thousand if Amber agrees to a mutual restraining order.

Aw, the couple that mutually restrains together ….

Sources say Amber will never agree to a mutual restraining order, because she’s the victim of abuse in the relationship, and now she wants a permanent restraining order against Johnny, because she feels like she needs to do that for other victims and wants to make an example out of Johnny … or wants to make him squirm so the number of monthly coins increases.

Kudos to Megan Fox, who, during a promo tour for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, roasted her co-star Will Arnett and his penchant for dating young, very young, women.

Fox said this about Arnett’s ‘girls’:

“They were progressively getting younger and younger as the weeks went on, and it got to the point where I was like, ‘Buddy, I’m worried. Should I talk to craft service and make sure they have Lunchables for your girlfriend?’ There’s no food here with cartoon characters on it.”

I also worry that, god forbid Arnett take one of these ‘girls’ to his dressing room and she tells him to hold on while she gets some Sweet tea and then Chris Hansen swoops in with the To Catch a Predator film crew.

Just sayin’.

Okay, everyone relax!! Taylor Swift is gonna be just fine after her breakup with Calvin Harris — who left because, ALLEGEDLY, the idea of a Flintstones-themed-pink-bubble-gum-Candyland wedding to TayTay was too much.

And she’s getting over from being under Calvin by remodeling her Manhattan apartment … to rid it of all things Calvin, working out … so she’ll be strong enough to beat the carp outta Calvin if he ever comes to  Hello Kitty convention when she’s there, and … wait for it … you knew it … writing a buttload of new songs.

Cue new Swifty-breakup album, ALLEGEDLY entitled ‘Something Came Between Me and My Calvin’ in five … four … three … two ….

So, former Married … with Children star, and current Modern Family patriarch, Ed O’Neill was recently recognized in the airport by a fan who came over to tell him:

“Oh, Mr. O’Neill, I love Modern Family, and you’re my favorite on the show.”

And she asked for a photo, and when Ed agreed she sat on the arm of his chair and she smiled broadly and he kinda grimaced and then said, Goodbye … to Miss Britney Jean Spears, bitches.

Yup, Ed had no idea it was the pop tart rubbing up against him on that airport chair. Perhaps she could’a wiped off the Cheetos dust from her chin and maybe busted out an a capella off-key Oops I Did It Again.

Nah, Ed still would’a thought she was some kinda crazy who bypassed airport security.

Earlier this week I wrote an open letter to actor Noah Galvin of TV’s The Real O’Neals who gave an interview to Vulture that turned all kinds of messy and name-calling and douchebag-gy — proving that The Gays are just like everyone else … some of us are dicks too.

I joked in my letter that ABC should fire Galvin, sending his character off on a years-long trip around the world while his gay cousin moves in with the family and the show goes on — shades of Cousin Oliver moving in with the Brady’s once Cindy grew up and because less precocious.

Lo and behold, that almost happened … sources say ABC was blindsided by Galvin’s interview, which was set up by Galvin’s personal publicist, Maria Candida, as part of an Emmy push for the actor, and so the network held back on the renewal button for the show, and was even thinking of asking for fewer episodes — less Galvin episodes?? — causing one show exec to “beg” ABC not to take action.

So, the show will be back, and Galvin, too, though I imagine a handler will be assigned to him to keep him from speaking off-script because this was not the first such incident involving his idiotic behavior.

Sources — and it might be the actor waiting for the call to play replacement character Gay Cousin Stevie — says Galvin has been warned multiple times about matters of “ego and entitlement.”

Like I said, European vacation and new gay character. That’ll work, I mean, remember when Richie and Joanie’s older brother just vanished form Happy Days never seen or heard from again. And he wasn’t acting like a douche either.

More evidence that The Gays are just like The Straights? Melissa Etheridge, who fought tooth and nail not to give her ex wife, Tammy Lynn Michaels, the mother of her now 9 year-old twins, any child support because she was never legally married to Tammy since same-sex marriage wasn’t legal until late in their relationship.

Well, that didn’t work, and Melissa, who has since re-married, to Linda Wallem, whom she was accused of cheating on Michaels with, paid through the nose — to the tune of 23K a month — in child support.

And now, though Melissa’s wealth is estimated at around $25 million, she is $10,000 behind on her child support payments and claims she doesn’t have any money though she and Linda live in a $5 million home to which they just added a home recording studio.

A friend says Melissa invested a lot of her money in things that didn’t turn a profit, and she just expects Tammy and their kids to be patient while she sorts it all out.

Um, yeah, it ain’t the kids or the ex’s fault you are bad at investments, honey. Imagine a straight guy saying that to his ex.

So, let’s go back to Taylor Swift — who is rumored to be hooking up with Tom Hiddleston, which makes me physically  sick —­ and the fight brewing between her and Big Ass, er, Kim Kardastrophe.

Swifty was supposedly pissed when Kanye West claimed she approved a lyric he wrote about her that says:

“I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex, I made that bitch famous.”

Kanye says Taylor was not only okay with the line, but that she wrote it and laughed about it, but Swifty’s people claim she never did any of that and that’s where Kim waddles her ass into the room and calls out Swift’s lie. She says Kanye and Taylor had an hour long conversation on the phone about the lyric and that Kanye video records all his phone calls because … crazy:

“She totally approved that. She totally knew that that was coming out. She wanted to all of a sudden act like she didn’t. I swear, my husband gets so much shit for things [when] he really was doing proper protocol and even called to get it approved. What rapper would call a girl that he was rapping a line about to get approval?”

A fame-whoring rapper married to the biggest fame-whore in the world and writing a lyric about another fame-whore, maybe? And it’s bound to get uglier, because that Cabbage Patch Kid known as Taylor Swift is throwing down at Kim, though her people:

“Taylor does not hold anything against Kim … as she recognizes the pressure Kim must be under and that she is only repeating what she has been told by Kanye West. However, that does not change the fact that much of what Kim is saying is incorrect. Kanye West and Taylor only spoke once on the phone … in January of 2016 … and they have never spoken since.”

It’s fun when fame-whores use each to boost their fame.

It's Snarkurday!

Helen Mirren is no stranger to loving your body and showing it off, and I love her for it — and I am way gay.

And I love her because she loathes the Kardastrophes, though she did say this:

“I’m not into the Kardashians, it’s a phenomenon I just don’t find interesting, but – and this is the big word: B-U-T-T — it’s wonderful that you’re allowed to have a butt nowadays. Thanks to Madame Kardashian, and before her, J-Lo. We’re also allowed to have thighs now, which is great too. It’s very positive.”

Shoot, when I read she was talking about Kim Kardastrophe’s ass I simply assumed she was a fan of Kanye.

Oh well …

The other night they held the CFDA Fashion Awards dinner and so naturally designer Rachel Roy was in attendance. She arrived with model Candice Huffine, whom she dressed, and they posed together for pictures on the red carpet.

But as the gala began, suddenly the room was all abuzz with the news that Beyoncé might attend. A fashion writer tweeted, “Jay Z has just arrived ... What could it mean?”  Then Beyoncé’s daughter, Blue Ivy, arrived with grandmother Tina Knowles, basically giving away the night’s Icon winner.

And so what was Roy to do, especially since it is rumored that she was the “Becky with the good hair,” a character name-checked in a Beyoncé song about a woman Jay Z banged while married to Bey.

Roy did what she could … she grabbed her place card and ran!

Seriously? The place card? It’s like she was trying to remove any evidence that she’d even been in the room, lest Beyoncé whip that weave in her direction.

Roy now says she left in such a hurry, place card in hand because she had to catch an early flight the next day to be with her kids in LA.

Uh huh.

Axl Rose is pissed, y’all. See, like Beyoncé before him, Rose is very very angry the hordes of “unflattering” pictures of him from 2010 that live on the internet.

See, back in ’10, photos of a not-so-skinny Axl Rose in a red bandana were taken at a Guns N’ Roses concert in Canada.  And quicker than you can say Mad Fat Boy In A Bandanna the photos were turned into memes.

Well, Axl must have just stumbled across the nearly six-year-old memes recently, because now he’s filed documents to have them destroyed. Yes; destroyed.

It seems the anti-piracy company Web Sheriff issued a DMCA takedown request to Google and Blogspot over the pictures on Axl’s behalf:

“Copyright image of Axl Rose. Please be advised that no permission has been granted to publish the copyright image so we cannot direct you to an authorized example of it.” 

To make it even stickier, the photos were taken by Boris Minkevich for the Winnipeg Free Press. Boris doesn’t own the copyright and says that anyone who made a Fax Axl meme is guilty of stealing the pictures from the Winnipeg Free Press.

So far, Google hasn’t taken any of the pictures so if you search for “Fat Axl” you’ll get your fill of Fat Axl Memes.

Fat Axl Rose. Who does he think he us, Ugly Beyoncé?

Just last week, dressed like a young racist Donald [t]Rump, 22-year-old Conrad Hilton was back in front of a judge yesterday for messing up the terms of his parole … again.

Conrad was told to lay off the, um, er, substances, but apparently he’s been filling up his orifices with all kinds of shiz and admitted so to the judge.

Now, since Connie is rich and white, I naturally assumed he’d be sent to swim camp with Convicted Rapist Brock Allen Turner, but the judge gave him two months in jail.

Two months for violating probation. Wow, that’s almost a third of the sentence that Swimmers Who Rape get, but let’s look back at Connie’s indiscretions:

In 2014 he was arrested for punching a bulkhead on a British Airways flight and shrieking at the flight crew:

“I am going to fucking kill you!”

Connie plead guilty and got parole.

In January 2015, Conrad violated his parole when he failed a battery of drug tests and the judge ordered him to 90 days in a substance abuse treatment center.

Now out, he ALLEGEDLY failed another test and that’s what lead to a Brock Allen Turner sentence of days in jail.

But I doubt Connie will serve more than 20 minutes — remember Lohan’s 84 minute jail term — and then he’ll be back on the street acting like an entitled drug addicted douchebag … or a Swimmer Who Rapes, a la Brock Allen Turner.

First Johnny and Amber split, and then Hillary swank and … who was she dating? … bit the dust. Now :::gasp::: Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have gone their separate ways.

At first Team Swifty tried to spin it that she ended things but, yeah, not so fast …

And why did Calvin dump Swifty? Because of her bad language … yup, she began saying the ‘M’ word allowed and the idea of being married to Taylor Swift sent Calvin running.

A source — and you know it’s one of TayTay’s minions — says:

“A few weeks ago she was talking about marrying him.”

And, again, the idea of being Mister Taylor Swift, and probably being forced to wear a Hello Kitty Tuxedo at the televised wedding where your bride floats toward the altar in a bubble a la Glinda the Good Witch, followed by the pay-per-view Wedding Night was just too much for Calvin.

And who could blame him?

Word has it he’s already invested in a blow-up doll that looks remarkably like Swifty herself.

Remember when Katie Holmes made a ladder of her tear-stained tissues and escaped from the Cruise Compound by hiding out in the trunk of a ’65 Dodge Dart headed East? And remember how Tom Cruise vowed he would never let his little Suri go with Katie?

Well, he did, and now it’s ALLEGED that Tommy hasn’t seen his daughter in three years because … she’s not a Scientologist.

Sources, and it might be Nicki Kidman and Katie Holmes Tweeting from lunch together, say Tom doesn’t want to see Suri because she’s a “nonbeliever.”

In Tom … or the Church.

Just sayin’.