HGTV Star and Food Network Star! A Recap and Rant...Part Seven

HGTV Star! Just Deserts

It’s the last episode of HGTV Star!, the network show where they pit one designer against other designers in a product-placed-who-can-shop-better challenge and then randomly send folks home because they picked bad sheets or a lamp looked out of place, while letting others stay because, well, they’re good TV. Just sayin’. 

Then, the winner of last night’s show will get an HGTV show of their own that will air, probably, about three times total and they’ll never be seen or heard from again because, quick, name the last winner of HGTV Star! and name their show …

:::crickets::::

My point exactly. But, enough about the farce of this show, let’s dish about the challenge: to redecorate, er, design three suites at the Rancho Las Palmas resort in Palm Springs. Now, to be fair, it’s a big challenge, the main rooms are at least 1,000 square feet with an additional 500 square feet in the bedroom. 

That’s.A.Lot.Of.Shopping.

Here’s what happened ….

BROOKS

He went all Versailles Meets Palm Springs because nothing says chic desert town like over the top fake gilded moldings and circus themed wallpaper.

Plus, just to make the room as schizophrenic as possible, he also chose some mid century modern pieces, like a yellow leather couch, to toss in, and some, gold bananas because, as Brooks said, “Who doesn’t like gold bananas?”

But he also brought in my grandmother’s dining table from her house on H Street in Oxnard, California. I’d always wondered what happened to it, but never thought it’d be part of a Versailles Mid Century hotel room in Palm Springs in 2013.

Brooks was all go big or go home, and it was gaudy and wild and fun, but not at all Palm Springs. Flocked wallpaper? Check! Trim painted gold over an odd blue wall? Check! A lamp in the middle of the room hung so low, I seriously thought Brooks was going to head butt it? Check!

The bedroom had circus tent stripes and velvets and mirrors and ornate painted pieces and looked like a junk shop after a big sale.

I like his over-the-top-ness, but I don’t see it as a show. I see it as a fun trip into psychedelic design, but I didn’t see one useful idea.

Vern, though, thought the bar was, and this is his word, ‘masterful.’

 I saw it and said, okay, two stools, a tray with some glasses on it, and a mirror.

Masterful? That explains why Vern Yip doesn’t have an HGTV show.

Brooks is out.

JERIBAI

Jeribai wanted to make his suite—which, for some unexplained reason was actually bigger than the others—into a beach vacation because when people travel to the desert they want to see an ocean, or something.

He chose teal paint because, um, this is 1979? But then he saw the teal paint and had it horsewhipped and removed from the walls, replaced by a more dusty blue. Good save.

His room was chic, and kind of beachy, and kind of not, but there was a huge gaping hole in the middle of the space which all the judges noticed. I offered up my go-to tip on wasted space in a room: “Put a grand piano there.”

And, well, that might have worked, you know, with a couple of bar stools around it. 

But, you know, I’m not much of a shopper so I won’t be on the show. Another thing that might have helped was either more furniture, or bigger furniture. I loved his orange couch, but it was too close to the other pieces and, had it been pulled out, might have helped fill that void.

Jeribai did get props for accessorizing his shelves—he was the only designer given shelves—but I kept looking at it and thinking it wasn’t accessorized enough; too many flat platter-y things that you couldn’t see.

His bedroom was a hit, though the judges worried about his light colored carpet and dirt. I also liked his headboard and the wallpaper he chose; I’m not much of a purple gal, but it worked in the room.

The Goiter said, “There were really good, sophisticated moments that show luxury and a sense of escape.”

Bob said, “For the love of Mary McDonald, STFU!”

In the end, though, even though his Camera Challenge was good—though “judge” Bromstad said it started off a bit low key—Jeribai also does not get a show.

TIFFANY

She decided that her Palm Springs suite needed a mid-century modern vibe to it, which meant a ceramic giraffe. Or something. 

It also meant creating a fireplace, albeit it electric one—which, I don’t care how fancy they get, they all look like that Yule Log Youtube video.

Her room was fun, with some bright poops of color; the area in front of the fireplace—which, as I said, was stupid, and was also not a fireplace because, as she told the judges it was ‘set up’ so that you could put in an electric fireplace.

Huh? If I stay in that room I need to bring my own fireplace? All she made was a pretty box to hold some candles inside and a TV on top. I ain’t buying it.

And then, the center of her room there was two chairs … two chairs …. And a giant ottoman with a brass dish on top. So, two people can sit there and, what? Look at the ottoman? Seriously.

I will give Tiffany props for the art wall in her dining room although how hard is it to walk into a shop that sells art and find one style you like and then ask for every single piece in the collection? 

And then her dining table, which created  a lot of drama because the handymen couldn’t get it up the stairs—while I was yelling at the TV, Take the legs off!—until Tiffany decided to take the legs off. It looked like some cheap-o dining table in the backroom of an old office building. No flair.

In her bedroom she placed a jute rug on a carpet of carpet squares that was so small it didn’t even fill a third of the space. But hey, she picked as good pillow.

The judges loved Tiffany’s playful vibe—the aforementioned giraffe—and bright colors, which, sadly, did not make it anywhere in the bedroom.

The Goiter said, of the art wall, “[It] doesn’t take itself too seriously.”

Bob said, “WTF are you talking about and why are you in a mullet prom dress?”

David Bromstad, bumped from mentor to judge for reasons unknown, except he also doesn’t have an HGTV show, said, of the fireplace, “How very ‘Palm Springs’ of her.”

Bob said, “Get a pair of pants that fits, and if you can’t button the top button of your shirt, don’t try to cover it with a tie.”

But, apparently this, basically boring with a pop of color and a giraffe room, gets you your own, to-be-aired-in-the-middle-of-the-night show.

Way to go, Tiffany.

MY TAKE

Three designers. Two very much alike and one from a galaxy far far away who all will not have a show on HGTV.

Should Tiffany have won? I don’t think so. The fireplace was a joke; the seating area was lame; the carpet was too small.

Should Brooks have won? I don’t think so because he’s not so much a designer as a set decorator. The man can accessorize, but his aesthetic is too, too wacky.

Should Jeribai have won? I don’t think so because his style, while nice, wasn’t exciting enough for a show.

That said, and let’s take a dip in the shallow end: Jeribai’s ass in those jeans was a show-effing-stopper; and his pecs in the tight T-shirt was a sight to behold. Plus, rising from the shallow end, he can design and he can build, and I’d like to see a show like that.

If he wore tight T’s and booty hugging jeans.

So, we’re done with another season of HGTV Star!

I can’t wait to have insomnia one night so I can see Tiffany’s show at 4 AM.

FOOD NETWORK STAR! Lights! Camera! She’s Baaaack!

So, the good folks at Food Network, knowing a good idea when they steal one, had a little online competition for the axed cheftestants called Last Chance Kitchen Star Salvation and the winner was revealed last night: Lovely. And lovely. I mean that in the sense that it was just lovely, sarcasm font, to see her polished, pretentious face back on my TV.

Luckily, it didn’t last long.

MENTOR CHALLENGE:

Cook a pasta dish and describe it to Giada, Alton and Bobby so that they wanna eat it. Sounds easy enough, but then the Monkeywrench™ is thrown into the mix: the chef’s will be describing another dish, not their own. Ow.

Lovely v Damaris:

Lovely was to describe Damaris’ Linguini Bolognese, er Linguini with Meat Sauce—because Damaris cannot pronounce Bolognese—and since she wasn’t on the show last week she missed the lesson in words not to use; like beautiful, which, if she said it once, she said it ten times: it was a "beautiful journey through a nice, beautiful, delicious meat sauce mouthwatering journey and wonderful pasta delicious beautiful."

Damaris talked up Lovely’s Mascarpone Fettuccini with Hazelnuts and Lemon Shrimp and told a story of having her heart broken and how her brother came to visit and that was just like pasta. Seriously. Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Stacey v Rodney:

Stacey talked about Rodney’s Late Night In Little Italy, AKA Shrimp, Clam and Oyster Pasta by basically reciting what Rodney said was in it.

Rodney took on Stacey’s Chicken Saltimbocca Pasta and said it was ‘real nice.’ Again. Jokes.Write.Themselves.

Nikki v Russell:

Nikki is good, but she says words like briny when talking about the pork in Russell’s Pork and Veal Sugo. Pork? Briny?

Russell finds no sin whatsoever in Nikki’s Fire Island Bursted Tomato Pasta with Every Herb Imaginable. He tells us what’s in it, not how it tastes.

THE WINNER: Nikki, who gets to pick her team for the …

STAR CHALLENGE:

The Field Piece. The cheftestants teams will go to a restaurant and they must report on the place, the food and the people. They will be judged by the panel as well as some folks from the Hollywood Reporter; wait for an upcoming Food Network/Hollywood Reporter event, I’m guessing.

TEAM Damaris-Nikki-Stacey:

They head to The Donut Man to talk about Strawberry Glazed Doughnuts made with potato flour—which, apparently, is unusual in Doughnut Land.

Damaris does the intro, and looks a little too giggly, but pulls it off. Stacey talks to the actual Doughnut Man and talks over him because she’s Stacey and it’s all about her and we learn nothing about potato flour. Nikki does the wrap-up and meets a doughnut fan outside. She comes across the most at-ease on-camera.

TEAM Russell-Rodney-Lovely:

It’s Vito’s Pizza, where they make the dough from 500-year-old yeast, passed down from generation to generation.

Russell does the intro and talks about Vito bringing East Coast pizza to the West Coast, but also mentioned something about sin. Rodney gets to work with Vito making the pie and lets it slide away the story about the old, old, old yeast. Lovely wraps things up by eating a slice and talking to two of the most boring customers ever.

THE VERDICT

TEAM Nikki-Damaris-Stacey 

They score the win. Damaris gets points for being calm and less, well, slutty, and Nikki gets told she was the best. Stacey, though, once again is told that she comes across phony and hammy and cheesy—maybe she should have done pizza?

TEAM Russell-Rodney-Lovely

Bobby Flay—I loathe him—chastises Russell for inserting his POV, i.e. the sins, into his intro, but fails to mention that Rodney called himself the Pie Man in his segment and Lovely muttered her tired catch-phrase, Party On A Plate, in her wrap-up.

Rodney is told that he’s memorable, but is also schtick-y and lacks food knowledge. Lovely is too polished, too mechanical, and basically ignored her customers, and their lack of enthusiasm.

Lovely. It was lovely, but now you’re gone. Again.

MY TAKE

I’m liking Russell; he different looking and has a different POV.

Nikki and Damaris and Stacey are a little too much alike and, well, bland.

Rodney’s a hot mess; he’s the Brooks of Food Network Star!

That said, I’ll say it again, at least these folks on this show have actual talent, and don’t have to rely on product placement and gimmicks to show what’s what.

Plus, most of the previous Food Network Star! winners have had their own shows, and most have been successful.

Take that HGTV.

HGTV Star and Food Network Star! A Recap and Rant...Part Six

HGTV Star! The Unconventional Challenge!!

It’s almost over, and if we are to pay attention to what Carlos says when I rant about the inanities and insanities that are HGTV Star [?], while I may watch again, I’m done recapping. 

Yes, I said it last year, but just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in. But I’m over the heavy product placement—seriously, I think I’ve now seen the outside of every single furniture and accessory store in the LA area—and I’m over the nitwit judges who seem to have no other job at HGTV than this show; exception, though, I guess is Soto, who recently had a show called The High/Low Project.

Whatever. Let’s get into this before I bore myself to tears ….This week is the, ahem, non-traditional challenge; season’s past saw a glass house challenge, a yurt challenge and a container box challenge. What’s left? An ice chest challenge? Nope. School buses. Out in the middle of nowhere, Jeribai tells us as they walk up the manicured path with cars whizzing by on the road just behind them.

Tiffany, Brooks, Jeribai and Anne will remake a school bus in whatever way they choose, functional, or not, because, you know, that’s a show.

TIFFANY

She was all about Alice In Wonderland and I was all about, Turn this shiz off. Then she said she wanted to go dark and kinda of horror-ish, and I was sucked back in. She went Mad Hatter Tea Party and I thought it would be a great piece, with a rather macabre theme, but then Bromstad stepped in and warned her not to go gory.

Um, David? She never said ‘gory’ she said ‘dark’ but then you made her afraid and she decided to keep in fairytale.

It was nice, but safe. Quirky but safe. The one flaw was the back of the bus where she stuck a bunch of potted plants like it was the after-sale at the local nursery.

This weeks’ Camera Challenge, though, presenting a new use for an old treasure on The Talk talk-show, showed Tiffany can be fun and spontaneous. But she took an old frame and put in a white board—instead of a chalkboard … how clever … not—and, um, yeah. Boring.

But, betwixt the TV challenge and the too-safe-Tea-Party, though, Tiffany scored the big win.

JERIBAI

We learned that Jeribai was a personal trainer for a hot minute—and yet we got not one shirtless Jeribai this season—so he wants to do a Gym Bus, fit for a boxer to work out in and to lounge in after the workout.

And, to remind us all that he’s Jeribai, he put his signature logo from EpOne on the back wall to remind the judges that he’s a strong competitor. Or something.

He was the only one, however, who removed the wheels wells so he could create an entirely flat floor front to back; smart, smart idea because it really opened up the space.

What didn’t open it up were the striped, oddly colored curtains that seemed bent and stapled to the roof. And let’s not get started on his accessories: candle-less candle holders and a desk lamp smack dab in the middle of the desk.

But, this week’s Camera Challenge showed Jeribai being very comfortable and cute on-camera while turning a desk into possibly the shortest kitchen island ever. And there was a couple of Hey Gurl moments from Jeribai which made me wonder about him …  And then wonder again why he kept his shirt on all season.

BROOKS

This seemed to be the challenge for Brooks because it was all about unconventionality, at which he excels. He wanted to go super Spaceship in his bus, and then created some slatted wood zeppelin “egg shell’ thing at the back of the bus and suspended a chair in it. It was cool and unconventional. But the rest of the bus was just chairs and seating areas and weird little, as he called them time and again, curiosities.

I mean a whisk and a spatula?

Yeah, not so space age to me. And on his Camera Challenge he was a bumbling mess, turning a suitcase into a medicine chest filled with, you guessed it, curiosities. It was a cool idea, but his oopsy-daisy-dropsy demeanor was kinda wrong.

Still, he got a pass because …..

ANNE

At the outset of this week’s challenge, Anne said this was hers to win—which we all know means she’s going home—because she’s deigned custom motor coaches before.

But, she turned it into a motor coach—without a kitchen though, so it was really a guest room on wheels. She had the shopping mishap again—buying a sofa that was too big for the space; Yip and Soto, two of the tiniest people on TV, could not sit across from one another without bumping knees. And, again, she blew the bed, making it look very sloppy, though the wallpaper was a nice touch.

Perhaps she should go on the Wallpaper network?

All in all it was a Meh Moment. As for her Camera Challenge, she flipped over an end table, tossed in a pillow and called it a doggie bed. Seriously. Cute? Okay. But … seeeeeeeeeriously? Plus, she could only giggle while appear too ill-at-ease on TV.

So, in the end play it safe school bus and giggly schoolgirl gets sent home.

I’ll miss her bright red hear; my retinas are still burning.

MY TAKE

The Goiter in the blue galoshes? Really? So, it was a school bus challenge and she decided to dress like a schoolgirl. She’s an idiot.

I also get annoyed when they bust the chops of the designers for their Camera Challenges; not so much this week when it was, ALLEGEDLY, live. But, I wonder, how many takes does The Goiter get to stop mumbling and yet they give these designtestants one shot to get it right?

Yip and Soto on the couches? When a seating arrangement is too small for Vern Yip, it’s too small! Dammit!

Then right there at the end, Vern uttered the line that since all three designers are just so so good, they’ll all be going into the finale.

Um, Vern, do you think the audience is so stupid to believe hat you made this decision last minute? I mean, the entire season is planned out and scheduled to within a minute of its life, and you expect me to believe that this “surprise” is real?

You’re not that good.

FOOD NETWORK Star! Culinary Vocabulary!

We start off with the cheftestants coming into the kitchen to see Bobby Flay in chef white! Oooh scary! Whatever.

MENTOR CHALLENGE: 

This week the cheftestants will taste a dish prepared by Bobby Flay and not gag. I kid. They have to taste it and then, in one minute, describe it without using buzz-words like delicious, awesome, sexy, incredible and wonderful.

The Flay dish is Ancho-Chile-Honey Glazed Slow-cooked Salmon, with a Black Bean sauce, Blistered Jalapeño Crema and Tomatillo Salsa.

How’d they do …?

RODNEY:  "Outta sight”! “Dyn-O-mite”! He’s a 70s sitcom star.

NIKKI: She uttered the first delicious but recovered nicely.

CHAD: He couldn’t form words, so he kept eating. Nom nom nom.

DAMARIS:  She tried so hard not to be flaky that she turned out boring.

RUSSELL: A buzzereded, rambling mess.

STACEY: Really kind of flawless, and told a story to boot. She wins and gets a bonus in the Star Challenge.

STAR CHALLENGE: 

Create a dish that is their culinary POV and then put it up for auction. Whichever dish gets the highest bid, is safe. Stacey gets to add an extra $10 bucks to her highest bid since she was the Queen of Vocab Wars.

How’d they do …?

CHAD: Texas Barbecue Poutine. Poutine? Sounds like puta or putan, both of which mean, um, whore, so … oh, it’s French fries, cheese curds and gravy. Yeah, still sounds kinda whore-y. But he added barbecued steak and sausages. His pitch to the auction audience—a group calling themselves Gastronauts—was a rambling mess, and his food, while sausage-y good, was potato bad.

RUSSELL: An Egg-and-Bacon Sandwich Revolution; with smoked trout eggs, pork belly, puréed brioche and horseradish ice cream. WTF? His presentation was just as disorganized, because he just basically gave a shopping list of what was in his food.

STACEY: Maple Bacon Cheesecake. Turned out to be kinda runny Maple Bacon Cheesecake. In her presentation, she comes off too me-me, and too polished; there is no edge. The verdict on her food was that it had a good crust. Really? That’s high praise?

DAMARIS: Green Bean Casserole, with Shiitake Mushrooms and Goat Cheese Mornay Sauce. I stepped away from the table at the words green bean and casserole. But she was good fun on the auction block, without being skeevey sleazy, and everyone liked her dish.

RODNEY; Berry-Rhubarb Pie with Bacon Crumble Topping. Um, yeah … his presentation starts out with a joke that he thinks he’s talking to, wait for it, astronauts. Funny stuff. I.Kid. A waste of time. His show would make me switch channels faster than an all-day HGTV Goiter Fest. But, everyone loves bacon, even topping a pie.

NIKKI: Wild Mushroom Pasta with Shrimp On The Side. I liked her presentation because she pushed her Veggie Agenda without being pushy, and everyone liked her dish.

THE JUDGING:

DAMARIS: Better presentation than ever, but still ….. Her dish sold for $130. I would have wanted 130 casseroles for that much money.

RUSSELL: he now has two POVs: The Revolution and The Sin, but he needs top pick one. And he needs to lose pureed bread. Still, his dish sold for $150.

RODNEY: Waste of time presentation, but his pie was a win. His sold for $140.

CHAD: Why a poutine, they asked? And why soggy fries, they cried? And why so sloppy on the presentation. His dish scored $150 also.

NIKKI: Good, strong POV, and her dish was the favorite of the judges, though it sold for just $130.

STACEY: She’s good, she’s solid, she’s too practiced. But, her cheesecake sold for $180, even without her $10 advantage.

ELIMINATION: 
I hate to say I knew it, but when I saw Chad show up in those red pants, I flashbacked to Viet being axed in the very same pants, and I knew my Silvery Foxy BBQ Daddy would be going home.

MY TAKE:

Bacon is the new black.

Bobby Flay thinks far too much of himself.

But, at least this completion lets the contestants work their own magic without stupid gimmicks and team challenges.

Plus, there was an awful lot of bacon. Maybe HGTV Star! should think of adding bacon to their designs?

HGTV Star and Food Network Star! A Recap and Rant...Part Five

DESIGN STAR!! ANIMAL HOUSES!!!

It’s Boys v Girls! Fraternity v Sorority!

Another team challenge where the designers don’t design as much as they shop and sand and spray-paint.

:::yawn:::

Let's rip ...

ANNE & TIFFANY

I think they got the better end of the deal, because the common room at the sorority house looked like an actual living and dining room, albeit with some ugly ass furniture and a fireplace that looked like it was sliding down the wall, and eventually did slide down the wall.

Tiffany was in charge of paint—she went gray, too—and of telling a carpenter to fix the fireplace so she could slap a TV on the wall above. She also bought carpet tiles and laid them on the floor. The floor tiles were a hit—again, shopping and not actual design—while the lack of accessorizing on the remodeled fireplace cost her some points.

:::yawn:::

Anne took charge of telling someone to paint the doors an orange red and then she spray-painted an old buffet black to make it more modern. It looked like an old buffet spray-painted black; not good. She also took the sorority crest and had it printed on a piece of grasscloth wallpaper and hung it on the wall; it was nice, but certainly not worth the raves showered upon it by The Goiter.

So the girls win because of paint choices, a rug, and a TV hung above a new fireplace.

Sheesh, had I known that was all it took, I would'a auditioned.

BROOKS, BORIS & JERIBAI

With three team members it seemed like a shoe-in that the guys would win, right? No, because the producers want two guys and two girls next week, so as soon as I heard Boys v Girls, I knew a guy was going home.

Plus, the guys got the harder room to, um, for lack of a better word, ‘design’: the fraternity’s common room. Pool table, ratty couches, ginormous dining table, florescent lighting, dropped acoustic ceilings. It was a night mare from wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling. But, ALLEGEDLY, the fraternity brothers use the space for social events, studying and dining, and requested more seating and more overall sophistication so Team BBJ--which sounds more fun than the actual team--decided it should look like a men’s club.

Boris, of the Big Teeth, was charge with drapes and furniture, so, I guess to him, Gentlemen’s Lounge means black drapes from floor to ceiling, and there’s nothing better for a frat house than a white, WHITE, linen, LINEN, sofa. I mean, ten seconds after the frat boys saw the room, one of them leapt onto the couch with his shoes on. So I guarantee that by now the couch is dark brown; and ripped.

Jeribai, more of a handyman than a designer, took care of sanding and refinishing the huge dining table, and, while he did a good job, is that worthy of your own show? I’ll say it, No. He also was in charge of buying lamps for the space so that the god awful fluorescents didn’t need to be on all the time, and he found some great lamps and sconces at an estate sale; too bad he didn’t find more, because his lighting finds looked atrocious under the clickety clacking of the florescent bulbs that were always on.

Brooks, you know, the teacher, so this was his to lose, took charge of creating a faux paneling effect around the room. I liked it, but I hated the industrial gray color he chose.

Boris had the fraternity’s crest printed and mounted on foam core, but it looked cheap next to the pool table Jeribai and Brooks bought, which they had fitted with a felt emblazoned with a better image of the fraternity’s crest.

Jeribai was safe because he can sand a table and refinish it, and he knows how to buy a pool table; and possibly because he’s cute, which is good for TV.

Brooks and Boris are up to get cut, and I’m thinking it’s Brooks because his Camera Challenge was a d-i-saster. But, it’s The Better To Eat You With Boris whose creepy smile was sent home.

MY TAKE

Out of a sense of Design Masochism, I’ll finish recapping the shows, but I think I’m done with design Star. I have no idea how these designers design because they work in teams and their designs are basically picking paints and buying fabrics.

I really want to see someone be given a space and a client, and then design the room from space planning starting point to a sense of creativity in paint and furnishings and a general idea of what they want to show.

This is about taking two, or thee, people, and letting them loose in a shopping mall and then saying, ‘Take it all back to the job and make a room.’

Plus, how many ways can I say it, but why is The Goiter on this show? She doesn’t have a design show, she has design commercials where she puts a runner on a table and then sets out Glade scented candles, and she’s judging designers?

And Vern, too? Where’s his show?

And, again, what’s a Sabrina Soto besides the comic relief?

FOOD NETWORKS STAR!!! Product Placement!

Okay, I am just now coming back from last week’s elimination of the adorable Viet. I still have my Chad, so the heat index is still high.

This week’s mentor Challenge is to create two products that can be marketed to the public, and the judges, Bobby Flay—who gets the Paula Deen Award for using the word Homeboy to describe Russell—and Giada di Laurentiis, and Adorable Alton Brown, will whittle down their two ideas into one idea that they’ll then present to bigwigs from Target—I always thinks food when I think Target—Kellogg, and Kraft Foods.

CHAD: Baked beans and a Spice Rub. The judges liked the beans but felt the spice rub was just another spice rub, so Chad presented Big Boy Beans to the marketing panel.

He chose a glass jar so you could ‘see’ the beans and one of the execs said it was a waste because, yeah, you couldn’t ‘see’ the beans.

Plus, they had no idea what Chad meant by ‘Big Boy’ and his explanation went nowhere fast.

But, he was safe.

STACEY: Gluten-Free/Dairy-Free Cookie and Cayenne Butterscotch Sauce.

Let’s just say without the gluten and the dairy it was a pile of sawdust. So Stacey went with her sauce. And it was good, though her presentation is so robotic that she might call her show Stepford Recipes.

But she was safe.

NIKKI: Eggplant Sauce—which should have been called Baby Diaper Sauce—and Piquillo Pepper Sauce. The color of the eggplant sauce was enough to keep the three judges from even bothering to taste it, so it was Piquillo Pepper Sauce all the way.

Except Nikki could not tell the panel where in the store they might find her sauce, which translates to, she doesn’t even know how to use her sauce.

Still, it was good, and she was safe.

RUSSELL: Bacon Candy and … something else; forgive me, but he had me at Bacon.

Naturally, he was told to go with the Bacon Candy, though I wondered how one might actually sell it, and what one might actually do with it, except eat it like candy, since it’s a chunk of bacon.

Still, Russell invited the panel to Sin with him, and they loved his POV, if not the idea of a Bacon Candy.

He was safe.

DAMARIS: Bourbon Peach Ginger Jam and …. And … I guess I wasn’t that invested this week because I’ve also forgotten her other idea. But it was the jam she chose to pitch, and she pitched it like a rock: dull and landing with a thud.

Sad for her, because the judges keep telling her to tone it down, and then she tones it way down and they ask her to pick it up.

Luckily, the panel liked her jam, so Damaris lives to giggle another day.

RODNEY: Spinach and Goat Cheese Quiche and Mixed Berry Pie. The judges liked his quiche best, but when Rodney pitched it to the execs, he decided it would be best to sing it to them; they had no idea what he was talking, er, singing about. And then his product: Quiche in a Jar. With the dough in Saran Wrap on top; or maybe that was the goat cheese. And that would make the spongy white stuff duct-taped—Yes, I said, duct-taped—to the jar the actual dough.

Quiche.In.A.Jar. And a song. I was surprised Rodney didn’t get the hook.

CHRIS: Roasted Apple and Red Pepper Jam and Sweet Corn Bisque.

There was no sweet and too much heat in the bisque, so Chris went with the jam, though he changed the name to Roasted Apple Ketchup.

His sales pitch was off-putting and went nowhere fast, and then he tosses in a story about being in an apple orchard and then smoking the apples in the largest smoker in Ohio.

Chris needs to learn when to tell a story and when to sell a story.

He’s out.

MY TAKE

At least the competition on this Star!! show has something to do with how they might work on their own shows, and be able to build a brand that makes them, and the Food Network, some money.

But I can’, as yet, see one of these people I would watch. Stacey is too rehearsed; Nikki’s too veggie. Rodney is too …. Pies; Chad is too hot for me pay attention to what he’s doing plus, I’m not a BBQ fan. Damaris is a ditz, but not a funny ditz.

That leaves Russell. I like the idea of his Sins, but if every week he does something with Bacon, Salt, Sugar, Fat and Liquor, well, it’ll get old, and artery-hardening, fast.

Also, is Bobby Flay an arrogant f**k or is it just me? Are Giada’s lips getting thinner? Isn't Alton Brown just adorable when he critiques?