I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton have been together for over four years, and there’s been wedding rumors  since Day One, but, apparently, Gwen won’t walk down the aisle because she’s really Catholic and won’t get married until her fourteen year marriage to Gavin Rossdale is annulled by the church.

Huh. I didn’t know “really Catholic: meant shacking up with your new lover, but I guess “really Catholic” means picking and choosing the rules you feel best suit your situation.

And a Sidenote: since annulment basically says there was no marriage at any time ever between Gavin and Gwen does that mean her children with Gavin are now bastard children?

I mean, it’s the Catholics, so we know they’re kinda effed up.

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Oh my … That Woman, the matriarch of the Kardastrophe Klan, has come out from her crypt bearing Christmas gifts.

Apparently, That Woman has partnered with Botox Cosmetics for a campaign called Gift Like A Boss and she will be giving the gift of poison injections into your face to celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus.

And, from what I’ve heard, to save some money, cuz that shiz can be costly, she’s having the stores of Botox already in her face opened up for the gift exchange. Yes, it’s used Botox from That Woman, and her explanation is e-very-thing:

“It’s a one stop shop for me. And who doesn’t love Botox? For me it’s been really great. If you’re responsible, and you talk to your doctor, I think it works. It’s something that I’ve been using for a long time. My routine is pretty simple, but it always has been my entire life. A massage, a great facial, a manicure and a little Botox and I’m good to go. I’m pretty traditional. As long as I’m clean and scrubbed up, I’m a happy camper.”

Oh, dear god. someone stop this tool from speaking.

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And speaking of delusional tools and their Christmas gifts, enter GOOP.

In addition to her loads of useless way-too-expensive crap she wants to unload this season, Gwyneth Paltrow’s new holiday commercial featuring her gifting herself a vibrator.

Seriously; the ad features Gwynnie getting ready for guests in her luxurious penthouse, laying out the food and drinks and then stuffing a vibrator into her … stocking.

It’s the new G Label dildo and sells for a Paltrow, er, paltry, $100. But if you’re feeling like royalty and not a peasant, GOOP also offers  24-karat gold Lelo vibrator for $3500.

Batteries ALLEGEDLY not included.

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Bill Cosby is currently serving a 3-10-year prison sentence for sexual assault, but had, of course, appealed the ruling claiming this was some kind of conspiratorial political hit … on a comedian.

His appeal was denied, so, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas. I hope there’s Jell-O on the menu come the 25th.

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A couple of weeks back, Justin Timberlake was photographed getting a little too handsy—holding handsy—with his co-star Alisha Wainwright.

But friends came to his defense and said, basically, That’s Justin! This Fall on Fox.

But I digress. And then, Timberlake took to social media to basically say it was nothing, but that he’s sorry for the “nothing” and hopes the “nothing” didn’t embarrassment his wife, Jessica Biel, and their son.

It was “nothing” …except, it now appears Justin was ordered to do the Instagram PSA by Jessica, who wasn’t just gonna take a kitchen table apology.

I guess it wasn’t really “nothing” after all.

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Eddie Murphy is promoting Dolemite Is My Name and apparently feels that bragging about the ten times he’s knocked ups several different women is really sexy …to women, cuz he said this:

“Men kind of look at me like, ‘He’s crazy. How much did that s–t cost?’ And women, it’s kind of like, something sexy about it, I think. [They think,] ‘Eddie Murphy must be doing his thing. Eddie Murphy be getting it in.’”

He’s, um, gotten it in ten times.

Here’s the rundown: Murphy and his fiancée Paige Butcher welcomed his 10th child last December, adding to the daughter they already have.

Murphy also has children—Bria, 30, Miles, 27, Shayne, 25, Zola, 19, and Bella, 17—with ex-wife Nicole Murphy. Then there’s the son, Eric, 30, with Paulette McNeely, and another son Christian, 29, with Tamera Hood, and daughter Angel with Spice Girl Mel B.

And if you check the ages of his children, Eddie was getting it in … without protection … with more than one woman at a time.

Yeah, that’s sexy.

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It's Snarkurday!

So, after Blake Shelton up and divorced Miranda Lambert amid rumors that she’s a cheatin’ croonin’ country star, she needed to beef up her image and what better way to get some press than to appear onstage with former country crooner turned pop tart Taylor Swift?

When Swifty’s tour came to North Carolina, Miranda was there, too, and they sang one of Lambert’s hits, “Little Red Wagon.” And it all looked so sweet except … the two are ALLEGEDLY feuding and have been for a couple of years, so it was tense that night, onstage and off … says a source:

“The girls were anything but friendly that night. Miranda was miffed that Taylor flubbed several lines of ‘Little Red Wagon’ and also annoyed that Taylor made her wear a 1989 shirt.”

Taylor Swift is a stylist, too? But I digress … the tension dates back to when the two gals got into a screaming match over a collaboration that fell apart and ever since then they hate each other. Miranda thinks Taylor is fake … you don’t say … while TayTay says Miranda is a mean girl … go figure. So why the concert duet? Damage control.

Since Miranda’s divorce, and the rumors that she’s boning any man and every man that comes within ten feet, her reputation is shot. Cheating boozing lying … maybe TayTay is a career stylist … too?

And speaking of Miranda, let’s jump to Blake Shelton and his new girlfriend, and newly divorced herself, Gwen Stefani.

After finally saying what everyone knew was true — that they were doing one another — the NBC press train … NBC owns The Voice and therefore owns Stefani and Shelton … made it clear that this new romance started after Gwen split from her husband Gavin Rossdale, except … Gavin doesn’t think so.

Gavin’s theory is that Gwen was on the down-low, turning in that chair with Blake Shelton while they were still married because she was afraid a nasty divorce, and rumors of cheating would cost Gwen a boatload of alimony cash.

Of course, maybe he’s just sour graping because of the song she wrote about him after the split … a song that, as I said a few weeks back, was kinda nasty and not really the kind of song a mother would like her kids to hear her sing about their father. And maybe he’s pissy because folks say she wrote it that way since he was ALLEGEDLY doing the down-low thing with Marilyn …

All this cheating makes for a perfect country song … Get to writin’ it, Blake.

I adore Tim Gunn and here’s just one reason … Tim has once again served the tea — a few weeks back he dished all things Anna Wintour — during an interview where he was asked about Kanye West’s latest fashion collection … and we're holding until the laughter dies down … and he replied like this:

“Well, I’m reminded of the words of a very dear friend of mine, former editor-in-chief of Vogue Grace Mirabella. I think they’re a bunch of dumb clothes. Just basic pieces.”

And Tim then decided to add some juice about that whole Kardastrophe Klan and their ALLEGED fashion sense and influence:

“The whole Kardashian clan doesn’t like me, so. There are large issues for me, such as ‘Why? Why?’. When it comes to fashion, I say to people all the time, if you want guidance for your fashion, just consider this: If a Kardashian is wearing it — don’t. I think it’s vulgar. And I just think given the amount of public exposure that the Kardashians have, to potentially be sending a message to people that you too can dress like this? No.”

I image now that Kanye and That Woman have huddled around a cauldron trying to come up with a potion to make Tim Gunn recant …

It must be a slow news day when has-been actor, and bad toupee wearer, Burt Reynolds rises from his crypt to say something nasty about his ex-wife, Loni Anderson — whom he wed in 1988 and divorced six years later. But, Burt decided twenty-one years later was the perfect time to dish about Loni, whom he calls “The Countess”:

“The Countess bought everything in triplicate. China. Diamonds. Designer gowns. She’d pay $10,000 a pop for the dress. And being ‘the Countess,’ she’d only wear them once because, you know, she couldn’t possibly wear a dress after it had been photographed. She’d say, ‘I have to dress like a star, Burt.’”

And, he says, when he gave her an American Express Platinum Card, she maxed out the $45,000 credit limit in 30 minutes.

Wait. It was just 45K? Reynolds spent more than that in 30 minutes on toupee glue.

Ariana Not-So-Grande has kinda become a star rather quickly — I mean a couple of years ago she was just some prepubescent schoolgirl and now she’s a prepubescent schoolgirl with a record deal. And, along the way there have been all sorts of stories about what a bratty diva bitch she is, from temper tantrums to America-bashing to fan-hating to donut-licking and on and on.

And now this; she was supposed to be on The Jonathan Ross Show in Britain, but didn’t show up ALLEGEDLY because a new Krispy Kreme had opened on the corner and she had Maple Glazed to lick.

Apparently her minions, and by minions, I mean her parents because she doesn’t have to pay them, told Jonathan Ross’ people that she was getting in a car to go over to shoot the episode but then she never arrived; and so Ross trashed the petulant little diva on air:

“Ariana is in town. We were told she would be in the car at 6pm to be here for 7pm then it got to 7pm and she was not in the car – 7.30pm and she is still not in the motherfucking car. So I don’t think we can hold out much hope. I don’t know what it is. We are going to give Ariana the benefit of the doubt and not say anything mean or judgmental. I apologise to anyone who might have come along hoping to see her. She was booked but the lazy little fucker has not come. Maybe she has gone to her first Nando’s.”

I imagine now that Arianna has created a Jonathan Ross voodoo doll out of bits of her weave, some donut crumbs, and crusty bits of chicken and will stand outside his apartment wailing like a bird with a broken wing … if she can get there in time.

Robert De Niro is cranky; he’s cranky like “get off my lawn” cranky.

At the Wall Street Journal Innovator Awards in New York last week, a man named Stewart Butterfield — his real name — won an award and during his speech, pointed out all the famous people in the room, and then took aim at De Niro:

"I watched ‘Godfather II’ on the plane ... when you killed Don Fanucci, I liked that."

Robert De Niro didn’t like it, and when he took the stage to present an award to Angelina … need I say Jolie … he went off:

“Whoever the last speaker was ... I thought you were a bit condescending to us actors ... celebrities. I’m gonna go on record with you just to say that. And I don’t give a fuck who you are.”

And then Robert De Niro had Stewart Butterfield offed. Well, maybe not, but he could have; and the lesson is, never speak to De Niro, about De Niro, or look into the eyes of De Niro.

And now for some Food Network gossip … This year ALLEGED adulterer Bobby Flay divorced his wife and ALLEGED adulteress Giada de Laurentiis divorced her husband and the internet went wild that Giada and Bobby would be bumping uglies before the year was out.

Now, maybe not so much. Giada recently admitted on Watch What Happens Live that she would NEVER date Bobby Flay after hot Andy Cohen suggested that there are people out there who want to see these two foodies play hide the chorizo.

“We’re very good friends, we’ve worked for many years together. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, because I’m smarter than that.”

So, is she smarter than dating Bobby Flay or is she smarter than telling Andy Cohen, who never met a tidbit of gossip he didn’t Tweet to death, that she wouldn’t date Flay?

I’m still sensing hanky-panky in the kitchen.

Forget about the Taylor Swift and Katy Perry Feud, because there’s some old school divalicious about Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez.

It seems that JLo’s manager Benny Medina, also represented Mimi from 2003 to 2008, and then tried to get back into her career ruining, I kid, running, I kid, but JLo put the kibosh on it and renegotiated her contract with Medina to include a “No Mariah” clause.

I assumed that clause was standard practice in Hollywood.

I can’t help it … I love girls feuding. Especially when the girls are Vivica Fox and 50 Cent. And to think it all started with the rumors that Vivica once tossed 50’s salad, and the of Fiddy’s ass getting Vivica lip treatment raised its ugly head again when Fox appeared on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen asked her about Fiddy’s Instagram post that blamed Empire’s second season ratings slump on the “extra gay stuff”:

Andy: What were your thoughts when 50 Cent blamed the second season ratings dip on “gay stuff”?

Vivica: First of all, um, you know the pot calling the kettle black is all I’m saying.

Andy: Pot calling the kettle black… So you’re not insinuating that he’s…  Vivica A. Fox, what are you insinuating?

Vivica: Well, I mean, no, he’s not. I mean, we had a good time. I mean, but he’s just, seems, like he’s got something that’s not quite clear. So….

Andy: You mean sometimes if people protest too much about something, that the actual fire is happening right there in front of them?

Vivica: Yes. Absolutely. I’ll just never forget there was a Vibe cover with him and Soulja Boy that made me go, “Hmm.” I’m just saying…

Andy: So you saw the cover and you thought… Were you with him at the time the cover came out?

Vivica: Absolutely not. Well, he looked like a booty snatcher on that one to me.

And so the feud was off and as soon as that episode of WWHL aired both 50 Cent and Soulja Boy went on the attack against Fox; Soulja Boy Instagrammed a picture of Vivica looking a little rode hard and put away wet … as we say here in Smallville’s horse country … and he added the caption:

“Everybody hit up this cougar...she’s single & ready to mingle …1-800-GrannyDesperateForAttention extension I’mWashedUp”

And then Fiddy took aim:

“Oh No!!!, Now she thinks I’m gay because I let her lick my Ass. LMAO. Wait, I didn’t want her to, she forced me, and my hands were tied. 50 shades of grey”

Sounds like a lot of protesting to me … and funny that Fiddy and Soulja both came for Vivica. Where there’s smoke, there might be flamers.

Since we already did some Snark Talk this week about Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, and when they began banging, and with whom his ex, Miranda Lambert, may have been cheating with, and how her ex, Gavin Rossdale, suspected that Gwen was already riding Blake before his divorce, and before their divorce, except …

Right about the time Gwen and Gavin put the kibosh on their wedded bliss, rumors circulated about Gwen firing the nanny because maybe the nanny was, um, nannying Gavin, too.

And now there seems to be more rumors that, yes, Gavin was boning the nanny, Mindy Mann, for up to three years, including the years that Gwen was knocked up with their youngest kid. Gwen ALLEGEDLY found out about the Nanny Banging when another nanny — how many nannies do these folks need — read a slew of text messages, and saw some nude pics, between Mindy and Gavin on the family iPad.

Damn that technology! It makes it so much harder for bored male celebrities to bang the nanny without their wives finding out.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But........

Filed Under: Did Not See This Coming

An anonymous source--and by source I mean fame-seeking whore--claims that Christina Aguilera had an open marriage with her husband Jordan Bratman, so that Christina could be free top pursue relationships with...................other women.

Now, this, ahem, source, happens to be a woman who ALLEGES that, while at gay bar, The Abbey, Christina sent over her bodyguard to ask if she would be interested in meeting the singer.

The fame-seeking whore says:

“The bodyguard told me it was an understanding within their marriage and that she brings girls home and Jordan’s okay with it…I met Christina in the bathroom and she told me she liked to play with girls. I ended up not pursuing anything with it because the situation just seemed so weird to me, but Christina was definitely looking to hook up…My understanding was that Jordan wasn’t involved when she brought girls home, so maybe the divorce is because Jordan’s jealousy got the best of him.””

Yeah, the situation seemed so weird but not weird enough for you not to flap your lips to the first person who offered you a payday.

And now for some more Gay Rocker News:

 Just last week, Gavin Rossdale admitted to having a gay affair back when he was just a 17-year-old sexual experimenter. But, his former cross-dressing lover Marilyn [AKA Peter Robinson] is less than thrilled with Rossdale's confession.
Why? Does the confession embarrass him? Well, no. Actually Marilyn's a little pissed because when he first blabbed about the affair he was treated badly, and now Rossdale is promoting his, um, open door youthful indiscretion.

Marilyn said:

"I find it sad that when I spoke out about what we had, I was labelled a tattletale - and now, Gavin is using it to promote himself'. [I am] pleased that Gavin is finally able to be honest about our relationship." Maybe one day Gwen will allow my name to be spoken again in her home without it having any negative connotations. We were together five years. But it felt like 40."

Okay.
He said. He said. She said. He said.
Or something like that.

I love a good catfight, and now we have a new one with Chelsea Handler facing off against Mister Mariah Carey, AKA Nick Cannon.

On Twitter, naturally.

Chelsea Handler:

"I just heard nick cannon is starting a comedy tour. Who's going to do the comedy?"

Nick Cannon:
"Wow @chelseahandler I actually used to have respect for you as a comic. But for one artist to diss another in the same art form. #Tasteless, Soon as I get off stage tonight, I'm going in on @chelseahandler I'm about to be relentless! OFF WITH HER HEAD but right now I got to focus."
Nick Cannon:
"Funny how all of @chelseahandler fans are coming at my like I did something to her. I don't even know this broad! She on my s–t! But since it's all in fun and supposedly just comedy, Let's get to the muthaf–kin' JOKES!!"
Nick Cannon:
"Everyone knows @Chelseahandler had sex with the head of E! for her show. So when it gets canceled does he get residual p–sy for the reruns? @Chelseahandler Looks like she got hit in the face with a hot bag of nickels!"
Nick Cannon:
"Just talked to @50Cent He said he made @chelseahandler get G-Unit tattooed on her balls!"

Nick Cannon:

"@50Cent wasn't hitting @chelseahandler they was just sharing testosterone tips."
Nick Cannon:
"@chelseahandler is like the new @joanrivers just without the funny and more plastic surgery."
Wow, Nicky can't take it at all.
Word to the wise, Never tell Mister Carey that he ain't funny.
Even though he isn't.

Well, it seems Jessica Simpson's singing career isn't over yet, but her career as a human being is teetering on the edge.

 Simpson invited The 4Troops, a singing group of Iraq and Afghanistan vets, to join her onstage when she taped her upcoming PBS Christmas special. But then Simpson, or her father Joe, apparently uninvited the vets because they chose to wear camouflage instead of their finest uniforms.
A source--and by source, I mean the gal who reads the comics to Jessica--says:

"Jessica's dad, Joe Simpson, effectively kicked them off the show because he didn't like what they were wearing. They were in camo pants and blazers, the same outfits they wore to sing for General David Petraeus on the USS Intrepid. They were told they couldn't perform unless they were wearing tuxedos. They waited for six hours until midnight only to be told their number with Jessica had been cut from the show. The irony was Jessica was on stage saying how much she supports and admires the troops, and the veterans were stuck in a room in the basement. Instead of enduring more humiliation, the veterans left."

Jessica Simpson is denying that cutting their performance was a personal issue, and her rep--the one who spoon feeds her so she won't get dirty--said:

"The song was cut due to time. Jessica wasn't even aware. She is wholeheartedly devoted to the troops. She just returned from the Persian Gulf where she performed for and met with service men and women stationed at several different locations. The military was the source of inspiration for her entire Christmas album, so much so that she recorded a duet for the album with a USS Harry Truman sailor."

I have a better idea.

Why not cut one of Jessica's overblown, overindulged, auto-tuned, pitchy songs and let the vets sing?

Uh oh Nate.
Your show is going down faster than Oprah on a pile of Oreos.

Yes. It seems that although Oprah's main gay--other than her husband Gayle--Nate Berkus is watching the viewers run from his show.

The Nate Berkus Show debuted strong, but his ratings are fading fast.
Nate is drawing less viewers than Nancy Grace--whatever that means, and industry analysts--and by industry analysts, I mean people who watch TV all day, every day--says:

"Berkus is likeable, but he pings from decorating to mommy bloggers to saving money to auction tips with the occasional celebrity appearance, making it difficult to discern the show's true identity."

Nate, honey, you're cute, you're gay, this should be working. But, dear, if you're a designer, why are you doing Mommy and Me segments. I mean, you don't see Martha Stewart delivering the news.

Stick with what you know.

Don't make Oprah step away from the cakes and kick your ass for losing some of her money.

Michael Jackson's dad wants money--and a lot of it--now that his meal ticket has passed away.

Joe Jackson has filed a lawsuit, seeking somewhere between $10-$500 million from Dr. Conrad Murray, who is ALLEGEDLY responsible for Michael Jackson's death.

And, yeah, this is why Joe needs the money:

• -20% for loss of support because, dammit, Michael can't work now that he's dead.
• -40% for emotional distress because, dammit, Michael can't work now that he's dead.
• -40% for loss of comfort, aid, society, and companionship because, dammit, Michael can't work now that he's dead.

But Joe may have trouble getting all that he thinks he's owed, because Dr. Murray is broke and his insurance company refuses to cover ANY settlement, regardless of the amount.

Poor, Joe, he may actually have to find a job instead of sponging off his children.

And, speaking of lawsuits, the family of the 17-year-old boy who was ALLEGEDLY attacked by Jodie Foster last May will file a civil lawsuit against the actress. The boy's father--and by father, I mean the slacker who refuses to work when a lawsuit will pay the bills--says:

"We have retained an attorney to proceed with a civil suit against Jodie Foster for her assault since justice was not served by the DA's office."

Someone is apparently angry that the criminal case against Foster for ALLEGEDLY lashing out at, and bruising and scratching, the boy for attempting to take a photograph of her. Photos of the bruises and scratches were submitted to the LAPD, but assault charges were eventually dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Tony R--the bruised and scratched boy in question, says: "Ms. Foster viciously attacked me for taking a photo which was totally uncalled for and it scares me to think that we live in a society where it's really okay to hit people if you're a celebrity in Hollywood or if you are rich and famous."

But it's perfectly okay to sue the rich and famous because you ALLEGEDLY got scratched.

Despite all the buzz that über-stylist--I love using the word, über-- Rachel Zoe is expecting her first child, Zoe is essentially denying it.

When asked if she was pregnant, Zoe ALLEGEDLY showed off her flat stomach and said, "Not at all. I'd be home sleeping."

Still, last week, several unconfirmed reports stated that the 39-year-old stylist and husband Rodger Berman were expecting a baby. The rumors may have been fueled by her Bravo reality show, The Rachel Zoe Project because the couple's decision over whether this was the right time for them to have a child was a major topic throughout the entire season.

Or the story could have been fueled by an image of Zoe sporting a baby bump, unless it turns out to be true that all she did was to have that extra grape at lunch.