The Funny Papers

Chris Britt, Matt Wuerker, Clay Bennett, Bill Bramhall, Adam Zyglis, Jesse Duquette, Max Espinoza, Jack Ohman, Phil Hands, Lalo Alcaraz, Nick Anderson, Dennis Goris, 

These Bitches ...

Well, today we have a Trifecta of Bitches. I was planning on posting about Joni ‘Let Them Eat Cake or Just Let Them Die’ Ernst and then it struck me there were others in the GOP who held Town Halls and were raked over the coals for their blind support of The Fascist Felon and his agenda, so let’s dish …

An awkward moment came at a town hall meeting on Friday in Butler, Iowa when Iowa GOP Senator, and Bitch,  Joni Ernst, defended the spending reforms in a House-passed budget reconciliation package that are intended to stop people who crossed into the country illegally from receiving federal benefits.

First, undocumented immigrants are generally not eligible for full Medicaid benefits but may be eligible for emergency Medicaid or Medicaid for labor and delivery services, so quit acting like they get free healthcare for life because that’s you.. 

Someone in the crowd tried to talk over Ernst, interrupting her answer about changes to Medicaid and SNAP, yelling out that people are “going to die” because of the reforms and Joni Ernst answered:

“Well, we’re all going to die.”

Yes, Joni, that’s true, but you, with your healthcare and pension for life paid for by WE THE PEOPLE will die after receiving full medical care, possibly surrounded by your loved ones while people who had their Medicaid stripped away will die alone and without care.

Um, how do I put this? Fuck you, you entitled Bitch.

PS The next day, Ernst doubled down on her vile speech with a sarcastic apology video filmed at a cemetery and posted to social media:

“I made an incorrect assumption that everyone in the auditorium understood that yes, we are all going to perish from this Earth. I'm really, really glad I did not have to bring up the subject of the tooth fairy as well, but for those that would like to see eternal and everlasting life, I encourage you to embrace my lord and savior, Jesus Christ.”

Your Lord and Savior is wondering why you hate immigrants and why you’re a foul human being when speaking to the people for whom you work.

God is watching you Joni, and She is not happy.

Nebraska GOP Representative Mike Flood was booed relentlessly at his own town hall after he admitted to a roomful of constituents that he had simply not read some parts of The Felon’s budget plan.

“Can you please tell us why you voted to approve a budget bill ... which effectively prohibits federal courts from enforcing contempt orders … which would then allow current and future administrations to ignore those contempt orders by removing the enforcement capabilities?”

The question is in reference to a deeply biased provision that the GOP slipped in the budget bill to protect The Felon from being held accountable by court orders. Additionally, anyone seeking to file an injunction or restraining order—two things the courts have already levied against the regime numerous times—would be forced to put up a financial bond.

“I do not agree with that section that was added to that bill.”

“You voted for all of it!”

“This provision was unknown to me when I voted for the bill. I am not gonna hide the truth.… We must allow our federal courts to operate and issue injunctions.”

Yes, Mike Flood voted for a bill without reading the entire bill. This Bitch is for us and not doing his job but collecting a hefty check.

Constituents in Iowa's 2nd Congressional District met GOP Representative Ashley Hinson with boos, jeers and laughs during her town hall last week during her opening remarks:

"I think it's important to note that when we look at last year, when we look at the election, I think Americans overwhelmingly rejected the status quo for the country … The president is, I believe, fighting for you and fighting for me.”

"No!"

Hinson then said she was "proud" to vote for the sweeping Fascist budget bill and was met with major boos and jeers, forcing her to pause her speech.

“I’m here to clean up lots of the misinformation out there today."

The crowd laughed.

After a man accused this regime of "breaking laws by ignoring federal judge's orders" Hinson replied:

"Judges need to follow the law. I don't think this country needs another impeachment charade,"

The crowd responded by calling her a fraud.

This Bitch is the worst; she will listen to you, then say you’re wrong, that what you read and heard and saw isn’t true.

This Bitch needs to go, Iowa.

All These Bitches need to go.

I Didn't Say It

Asa Hutchinson, Arkansas GOP governor,, saying Thing #45 is bad for the party:

“Whenever we do not have the president in power from our party, you have divided leadership—you have many different voices. And [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] is dividing our party, and so it’s important that we not unite with someone who is dividing our party. I believe that we need to concentrate on more things that bring us together than to separate us, and going down and seeing former [the twice-impeached, one-term loser], to me, causes more division than anything else.”

How nice to see a Republican stand up against the GQP of today until you realize that Hutchinson is being term-limited out of office, so he’s no Liz Cheney, he just has nothing to lose so he’s pretending to have a spine.

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Tim Walz, Minnesota’s Democrat governor, daring MAGAts to get the vaccine:

“My message to folks is there’s a lot of good reasons to get vaccinated, but for some of them, you know, if you need another one, go get vaccinated so you’re alive to vote against me in the next election. I don’t care. I just want to get it done. It’s not assuming these people are hesitant, they’re ideologically opposed. It’s trying to understand where they’re at, what are the differences.”

I wonder how many MAGAts will do this. Oh hell, probably none, because they only follow the advice of the twice-impeached, one-term loser.

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Joni Ernst, Iowa Republican Senator, and the only woman in Senate Republicans’ elected leadership team, on the GQP efforts to oust Liz Cheney:

“I feel it’s OK to go ahead and express what you feel is right to express and, you know, cancel culture is cancel culture no matter how you look at it. Unfortunately, I think there are those that are trying to silence others in the party.”

Those? It’s practically the entire party, Joni, and you’re one of the ones who always sided with Thing #45, so don’t straddle the fence, dear. Stay on the wrong side where you’ve been all along.

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Paul Boyer, Arizona state GOP Senator, on his party’s continued audit of the 2020election:

“Looking back, I didn’t think it would be this ridiculous. It’s embarrassing to be a state senator at this point. It makes us look stupid.”

What was his breaking point? The search for bamboo ballots or the use of UV lights to find Thing #45’s secret watermarks?

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Adam Kinzinger, Illinois GOP Congressman,  comparing the Republican Party to the Titanic over the push to oust Liz Cheney from her leadership position:

“Right now, it's basically the Titanic. We're like, you know, in the middle of this slow sink. We have a band playing on the deck telling everybody it's fine. And meanwhile, as I've said, you know, [the twice-impeached, one-term loser’s] running around trying to find women's clothing and get on the first lifeboat. And I think there's a few of us that are just saying, ‘Guys, this is not good,’ not just for the future of the party, but this is not good for the future of this country. Liz Cheney is saying exactly what Kevin McCarthy said the day of the insurrection. She's just consistently been saying it. And a few weeks later, Kevin McCarthy changed to attacking other people.”

He added that the Republican Party needs to have “an internal look and a full accounting as to what led to Jan. 6.”

But they won’t do that because their Fearless Leader told them not to … from the golf course.

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Ken Buck, Republican Congressman from Colorado, saying Liz Cheney was  “cancelled” for expressing her opinions of Thing #45:

“Liz Cheney was cancelled today for speaking her mind and disagreeing with the narrative that [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] was putting forward.”

Buck’s support of Cheney is notable due to the fact that Buck is generally viewed as an ally to the former president.

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Liz Cheney, after being ousted from her Congressional leadership role for her refusal to believe the Big Lie:

“I will do everything I can to ensure that the former president never again gets anywhere near the Oval Office. The nation needs a party that is based upon fundamental principles of conservatism, and I am committed and dedicated to ensuring that that’s how this party goes forward, and I plan to lead the fight to do that.”

This is gonna get good.

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Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, on GQPers trying to downplay the Capitol attack as normal:

“Really? Well, I don’t know a normal day around here where people are threatening to hang the vice president of the United States, or shoot the speaker, or disrupt and injure so many police officers. I don’t consider that normal. It was beyond denial, it fell into the range of sick.”

They’re so terrified of Thing #45 that they’ll lie without batting an eye.

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Michael Fanone, Washington DC police officer who was clubbed with a flagpole, repeatedly tased, and suffered a brain injury at the hands of insurrectionists:

“I’m not a politician. I’m not an elected official. I don’t expect anybody to give two shits about my opinions. But I will say this. Those are lies, and peddling that bullshit is an assault on every officer that fought to defend the Capitol. It’s disgraceful.”

It’s The Big Lie, Part II.

The election was stolen and nothing happened on January 6, 2021.

That’s the GOP as of today.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Pete Buttigieg, reacting to the partial results of the delayed Iowa caucus vote:

“It validates the idea that we can expand a coalition not only unified around who it is we’re against but around what it is that we’re for. And it validates for a kid somewhere in a community …. wondering … if he belongs, or she belongs, or they belong, in their own family, that if you believe in yourself and your country, there’s a lot backing up that belief.”

He may not win the nomination, but he made history.

And he made a community proud.

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Lamar Alexander, GOP Coward, saying believes _____ withheld military aid to Ukraine to “encourage” its government to investigate the Bidens:

“If you have eight witnesses who say someone left the scene of an accident, why do you need nine? I mean, the question for me was: Do I need more evidence to conclude that the president did what he did? And I concluded no.”

So, he did what he did, and you think that’s okay for a president to do. And you think this acquittal, which you will vote for, will embolden him to be just as corrupt?

Seriously. Fuck off. No, seriously fuck off.

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Rashida Tlaib, Democratic congresswoman, apologizing for leading a chorus of boos for Hillary Clinton at a Bernie Sanders event:

“I am so incredibly in love with the movement that our campaign of #NotMeUs has created. This makes me protective over it and frustrated by attempts to dismiss the strength and diversity of our movement. However, I know what is at stake if we don’t unify over one candidate to beat Trump and I intend to do everything possible to ensure that Trump does not win in 2020. In this instance, I allowed my disappointment with Secretary Clinton’s latest comments about Senator Sanders and his supporters get the best of me. You all, my sisters-in-service on stage, and our movement deserve better. I will continue to strive to come from a place of love and not react in the same way of those who are against what we are building in this country. This is about building a just and equitable future for my two boys, children across the country, and future generations.”

Nice that you apologized, though you never should have done it in the first place because you are standing on the shoulders of Hillary Clinton and every woman who came before you.

Show some respect.

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Martin O'Malley, former candidate for president and governor of Maryland, on Bernie:

“Bernie’s still being given a bit of a free pass by the national media. I do not believe that he would be a strong candidate for our party in the fall. And, except for three months out of every four years, he’s not even of our party.”

Bernie is not a Democrat, until election time.

Bernie has not passed, written, proposed, any notable legislation in his entire career.

That said, if Bernie’s the nominee, he gets my vote.

PS O’Malley is dreamy AF.

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Joni Ernst, Iowa Republican Senator, has already vowed to impeach Joe Biden if he’s elected president, after saying that using impeachment as a weapon is wrong:

“I think this door of impeachable whatever has been opened. Joe Biden should be very careful what he’s asking for because, you know, we can have a situation where if it should ever be President Biden, that immediately, people, right the day after he would be elected would be saying, ‘Well, we’re going to impeach him.’”

Take a seat, Joni, because if the Blue Wave strikes again, your party will be irrelevant.

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Frank Bruni, NYT columnist, Pete Buttigieg’s so-called ‘gay reckoning’:

“He has weathered complaints, even derision, from L.G.B.T.Q. progressives, many of whom say he’s not gay enough, his manner and mannerisms too strait-laced, his policy preoccupations too moderate, his success infuriatingly reflective of how readily and well he assimilates into heterosexual America.”

I don’t know where to start … not gay enough? Not fucking gay enough? What does that even mean, because it seems to imply that all gay people should act exactly the same, and we don’t and we never have.

Strait-laved? Why, because he appears to be a nice man? Oh, that’s awful!

He’s too moderate? That’s not a bad thing; think about that pendulum swinging all the way back from the far right of hatred where it sits now, to the far left of utter liberalism. It’s not gonna happen.

I don’t see him assimilating into hetero-culture. I mean, how many heteros are kissing their husbands on the campaign trail? How many heteros are telling their long coming out story?

Knock this stuff off; it serves no one, least of all the LGBTQ+ community.

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Bobservations

We went out to brunch over the weekend with our good friends David and Neal to celebrate both my birthday and their 4th wedding anniversary; four doesn’t sound long, but it’s only the amount of time their relationship has been legally and rightfully recognized. It was actually their 35th anniversary.

So there.

On Sunday, Carlos and I were running some errands and we stopped at Tractor Supply to get cat litter. As we checked out, the cashier asked if we’d found everything we wanted, and I said:

“We did. It’s my birthday and he’s buying me cat litter.”

Later in the day, when Tia Gloria called form Mexico to sing me ♪ ♫ Happy Birthday ♫ ♪ over the phone, she asked how we were spending the day, I told her Carlos had gotten me cat litter for my birthday.

She asked to speak to him. And when I spoke with my father and told him of the gift … he asked to speak with Carlos, too.

Those were all good birthday presents!

As was the day spent with Carlos and the Chocolate Orange Cake he made for me.

There’s a sucker born every minute … at least that’s what the folks at Farfetch, an online luxury fashion platform that sells products from over 700 boutiques, thinks because they are offering a Hanes Beefy-T with a small Prada logo sewn onto it for the low, low price of $410.

Seriously.

Senator Joni Ernst filed for divorce, claiming her husband assaulted her years ago, though she never reported the assault to the police.

Last fall, Senator Joni Ernst dismissed Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony against Brett Kavanaugh because her story was  “uncorroborated.”

Let that sink in.

After years of unofficial ’Gay Days’ at Disney theme parks, Disneyland Paris has announced its first ever LGBTQ Pride event called Magical Pride. The park will welcome guests to “discover the enchantment of Disney with the Sparkle of Pride!”

Here’s hoping it spreads to the rest of the Disney empire.

Sidenote: years back Carlos and I were at Disneyworld in Orlando, and as we were leaving the park, and holding hands, two women walked around us and ahead, also holding hands. From behind us someone shouted:

“What is this? Gay Day?”

And one of the women shouted back:

“Every day is Gay Day.”

Yup.

Rent: Live it was not.

The actor playing Roger, Brennin Hunt, broke his foot near the end of Saturday’s rehearsal, so producers decided to show us a recording of that performance. The show was only truly live for the last few minutes, including a finale with members of the original Broadway cast—Idina Menzel, Anthony Rapp, Daphne Rubin-Vega, and Taye Diggs—singing “Seasons of Love”.

And so it’s no surprise that Rent Not Live  was the least watched and lowest rated of the trend to date, in part perhaps due to a cast who was saving their best, and fullest, energy for the live performance and not a taped rehearsal.

This week _____ announced that he wanted to allow students who wish to study the Bible to be able to do so in schools, all schools, and his Evangelical Hypocritical Fake Faith Racist base cheered.

They cheered a man who cheated on his first wife with his second wife, then cheated on his second wife with his third wife, then cheated on his third wife with a porn actress and nude model while the wife was pregnant with his fifth child from three different women.

Right?

Lawyers for Kentucky’s Republican Governor Matt Bevin say that former Rowan Kounty Klerk Kim Davis must pay the $225,000 in legal fees owed to the gay couples who sued her for refusing to issue marriage licenses because of her ALLEGED Christian-based opposition to same-sex marriage.

Nice; except it shows the hypocrisy of Bevin. See, while Bevin has called Davis “an inspiration … to the children of America,” after a district judge ruled that the couples suing for marriage licenses clearly prevailed and that the state of Kentucky must pay their fees and costs, Bevin and his lawyers want the bill handed to Davis, and say she acted alone in denying the marriage licenses.

Hypocrisy. GOP.

Russia has embarrassed _____ … again!

This week the Kremlin leaked news that  Putin met with _____ and his nude model wife, Melanie, at the G-20 Summit in Buenos Aires last fall.  The embarrassment is _____ meeting with his boss and handler, Putin, but that not one single US official was present … no collusion, nothing to see, witch hunt … no government officials, no translators, no one from the State Department. It is unprecedented to have held the meeting without a U.S. witness, especially someone to record the details of what happened.

But that was only the first embarrassment; the second embarrassment came via TASS, Russia’s official state media news outlet of the Kremlin who, when asked about _____’s lack of even an interpreter, said:

"It’s none of our business whether _____ had an interpreter; Putin’s interpreter is always by his side — we have stability and order in that regard.”

We don’t because Putin owns _____ , his beck-and-call girl, and when Putin calls, _____ obeys.

New Funny Irreverent Show Alert … The Other Two tells the story of siblings Cary and Brooke whose lives are upended when their 13-year-old brother, Chase, becomes a Justin Bieber-esque type overnight sensation.

It’s very funny, and the humor is quite ballsy, and then there’s the relationship between Cary, played by Drew Tarver, left, who is gay, and his roommate, played by Andy Riddings, right, who is not, and how they just like to make out every so often.

Plus, they’re cute, so yeah, there’s that.

But it’s the funny that gets me. Okay, and the cute guys making out.

The Funny Papers ... On My Birthday!

Clay Bennett, Joe Heller, Darrin Bell, Ed Wexler, RJ Matson, Adam Zyglis, Nick Anderson, Nate Beeler, Bart van Leeuwen, Bill Bramhall