I Ain't One To Gossip But ... And It's JLo-Themed

Clearly the JLo pandemic is running rampant in Hollywood because Katharine McPhee has come down with The Thirsts. This past week McPhee took to her Instagram Story to share her husband David Foster’s reaction to a here-to-fore private photo she sent him:

Gosh, I long for the days when thirsty celebrities didn’t post underwear pictures they sent to their spouses in an effort to try and make everyone believe their marriage is all sexy and lovey and perfect and shiz. Cuz, in case anyone forgot, David Foster is on his fifth marriage; he was married to BJ Cook from 1972 to 1981; the next year, 1982, he married Rebecca Dyer, and divorced her in 1986, after which he stayed single for five years until marrying Linda Thompson in 1991 and lasting until 2005; he married Yolanda Hadid in 2011 and divorced her in 2017, at which time he began dating Katharine, and married her in 2019. David’s longest marriage lasted just 14 years, while his shortest lasted six.

Tick tock, Katherine.

PS Of note is that Katharine McPhee was born in 1984, right in the middle of David Foster’s second marriage.

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When you’re Gerard Butler, who was hot for a hot minute ten years ago, what else have you got to do but beef? See, during an interview to promote his new movie Copshop, the interviewer brought up how Gerard’s 2009 movie Gamer has been compared to Ryan Reynolds’ new movie Free Guy. Butler went all Mariah Carey “I don’t know her” on the interviewer and said he hasn’t heard of Reynold’s new film because he doesn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies.

Reynolds saw that and raised the ante with this:

“Can you believe Gerard Butler doesn’t know what Free Guy is? Also, can you believe that the challenges to democracy have never been greater and that Blake and I will match your contributions to the @aclu_nationwide and @naacp_ldf?”

Free Guy over Gamer.

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Third time’s the charm they say, and HGTV’s answer to Jennifer Lopez, Christina Haack, formerly known as Christina El Moussa and then as Christina Anstead, is trying to prove that to be true. It appears that the twice-divorced “Flip or Flop” star is engaged, again, to boyfriend Joshua Hall just three months after finalizing her divorce from the oddly named Ant Antstead.

Haack was previously married to her “Flip or Flop” co-star Tarek El Moussa from 2009 to 2018 when she divorced him and married Anstead until 2021, when she found herself engaged again.

If she wants to be JLo can we call her CHa …. Hahahahahahahahaha.

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Poor Erika Jayne. No, I literally mean poor Erika Jayne. It has been revealed that she ALLEGEDLY spent some $25 million that her husband Tom Girardi deposited into the bank account of her LLC and she had no idea it was there until it came time to spend it.

But those coins are all gone and this week Jayne was spotted at TJ Maxx looking sad and poor. Good.

Oh, and she lied again on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when she told a story about Tom’s house being broken into, and how he confronted the burglar, and was then taken to the hospital, and she sent her son to check on him because she couldn’t go and then her son rolled his car on a snowy road coming home from the hospital.

Rolling cars is a thing in her family because she also claims Tom rolled his car off a cliff six years ago.

But here’s the lie … in January, authorities confirmed that officers responded to an ALLEGED forced entry through a broken window at Tom’s home but there was no report of Tom confronting said burglar.

Maybe it was Erika trying to clean out one of the safes?

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Oh, JLo, my heart bleeds for you.

In between parading current fiancé Ben Affleck around the world for photo shoots and make-out sessions, Jennifer Lopez announced that she feels like an “outsider” in Hollywood. In fact, even though she’s such an outsider she has, according to her IMdb page, some six projects lined up, JLo took part in Sephora’s “We Belong” campaign to talk about being an outside in Tinsel Town because … wait for it … she felt snubbed by the Academy for not getting a Best Supporting Actress Oscar last year. In fact, she even whined to Oprah about it:

“I felt like I let everyone down a little bit. I was sad. I was a little sad because there was a lot of buildup to it. There were so many articles, I got so many good notices — more than ever in my career and there was a lot of: ‘She’s going to get nominated for an Oscar, it’s going to happen; if it doesn’t you’re crazy.’ I’m reading all the articles going: ‘Oh my God, could this happen?’ And then it didn’t and I was like: ‘Ouch.’ It was a little bit of a letdown.”

Snubbed for a trophy and she feels like an outsider? I have an idea, JLo, get out of Hollywood, and then you might really feel like an outsider.

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I Didn't Say It ....

Pete Buttigieg, Democratic presidential hopeful, on how he’s going to deal with countries that are anti-LGBTQ:

“When we show leadership, people respond, and that includes when we show by an election that we’re an inclusive country—whether that’s about an LGBT leader or in some other way—that other country leaders would actually be, to some extent, forced by world opinion to make some advancements. It’s one of the things that’s at stake right now if America is not trusted, is not respected, then it won’t much matter what we have to say about that or any other human rights issue.”

Pete wants an America that welcomes everyone and treats everyone equally.

How, in any way shape of form, in anyone’s mind, is that a bad thing?

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Karen Pence, homophobe and wife of Vice President Michael Elisabeth Pence, on Pete Buttigieg’s questioning of her “husband’s” faith:

“It’s kind of funny because I don’t think the vice president does have a problem with him. But I think it’s helping Pete to get some notoriety. In our country, we need to understand, you shouldn’t be attacked for what your religious beliefs are.”

Says the woman who works at a religious school that denies entrance to the LGBTQ community.

Says the woman whose husband works with, and supports, a man who advocated banning all Muslims from the United States because of their religion.

Says the woman married to a man who tried to make it law that people running a business could use their so-called faith to discriminate, who voted for a constitutional amendment to ban marriage equality, who advocated conversion therapy as a means to fight HIV, who supports the transgender military ban.

That’s Karen and Michel Elisabeth Pence. For them religion is a weapon of intolerance, bigotry and discrimination.

Take a seat, Karen, God is watching you and She isn’t happy.

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Ryan Reynolds, hot actor, on what he thought of Pose actor Billy Porter’s Oscars ensemble, a Christian Siriano couture masterpiece and if he’d ever wear a similar look:

“I loved that guy. He was easily the coolest looking human of that whole night. [And] you know what? The day is young and, man, he made that look good – so who knows?”

Porter was easily the best, fabulously dressed, and I love that Reynolds loves it, and that the idea of dressing like that is something he might actually do.

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Chasten Buttigieg, Mayor Pete’s husband, on his husband, and their future:

“So I’ve had a busy couple months. Never underestimate what can happen when you agree to go on a date with a cute guy from South Bend, Indiana. I now live in a world where people take photos of me in the deodorant aisle at the grocery store, but it is not lost on me that I was able to marry the man I love by the grace of one Supreme Court vote. [One day] I could be the first man in history to pick out the White House china. We need someone in the White House who will sign the Equality Act into law, and luckily I know a guy. My husband Pete Buttigieg—you can call him Mayor Pete—was commissioned as a naval intelligence officer when ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ was still the law of the land, and served a seven-month tour in Afghanistan when a certain vice president was governor of his home state. Peter is ready to serve our country in the highest office, and just as importantly I think America is ready for him. Over the last three months of traveling the country at his side, meeting people from all walks of life, we have discovered that people are united in protecting our values of freedom, Democracy and security. Especially freedom to live an authentic life regardless of who you love or how you identify.”

His husband would make a great president and Chasten would be an excellent First Gentleman.

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Mike Huckabee, former Arkansas governor and daddy of _____’s lying spokes-idiot, Sarah, saying The Gays are the “greatest threat” to America:

“The biggest threat to biblical principles today is the failure to apply a biblical standard of maleness and femaleness. We are creating this illusion that there is no gender, there is no identity, and I’m blaming the Christian Church. [California’s introduction of “no-fault divorce” in 1970 was] when we first started losing that sense of sacredness of what marriage meant. So I’m not really that surprised that same sex-marriage has become in vogue because the Christian Church were the ones who essentially abdicated a strict responsibility about what biblical marriage should look like. There are some people who are in single parenthood, not because they want to be, but because they were forced to be. And we ought to give [them] all the support. But we should never pretend that it is as good as a loving mother and father in a home where a child sees both genders play out their norms because that’s the modeling of behavior that would be ideal for a child to grow up in.”

Um, how do I say this? Oh, yeah, fuck off. This bigot once signed a pledge calling same-sex parents “destructive,” and a “threat to security,” and vowed to sign an executive order to protect “traditional” marriage and prosecute as hate crimes any attacks on the right of religious people to discriminate against LGBT people should he become president.  He has also compared same-sex marriage to incest and drug use.

So, again, fuck off, has been, the only reason anyone talks to you is because your daughter is the goose-stepper rabid dog of a traitorous president.

Quite a legacy, Mike.

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John Kerry, former Secretary of State, praising Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for her part in the Green New Deal, and denouncing the GOP for their complete lack of effort:

“There are a lot of different proposals on how to proceed. I don’t know that any of them are coming from your party or your side of the aisle. Do you have a plan to deal with climate change? I think you said you’re not sure of the science, but my focus is on how we’re going to move forward. In proposing what she has proposed together with Senator Markey, Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez has in fact offered more leadership in one day or one week than President _____ has in his lifetime on this subject.”

Well, that’s because AOC has a brain and uses his, while ______’s head is filled with cheese.

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Shawn Mendes, boy singer, on his Calvin Klein underwear ad:

“[It was] a goal of mine at the top of 2018. As much as it’s a stepping stone for me to play a stadium, it’s a huge moment for me to step in front of a camera and take my shirt off. I don’t see one being less meaningful than the other.”

Wait, so filling a stadium with fans desperate to hear you sing is the same as striping to your skivvies for a photograph and a fat paycheck?

Priorities much?

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I Didn't Say It ...

Stephen Colbert, on _____’s advice not to believe what you read or hear:

“Our president says don’t believe what you see and read. “Oh good. Wooo, I was worried because what I’m seeing and reading is that the President is a racist, horny old burger-goblin who literally steals children from poor people.”

Guffaw! And _____ is so stupid because what about what he says and Tweets? Is he telling the Deplorables not to believe that?

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Michelangelo Signorile, warning that the religious wingnuts are trying to criminalize gay sex again:

“The reality of that may sound crazy and horrifying, but just a year and a half ago, many things sounded crazy and horrifying. The U.S. is separating children from their parents at the border—and dragging its feet on reuniting them, even under court order—and the president of the United States publicly sided with a longtime adversary over American intelligence, which he continues to attack. And it appears Roe v. Wade will be overturned. So anything can happen.”

I’m not sure I agree entirely. I think the right will try to shove us back into a closet, but too many of us are out, and married, and voting, and we have more allies on our side than we know.

It might be a battle, but I don’t think it’s a battle we’ll lose.

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Nikki Haley, to young conservatives:

 “I know that [name-calling and belittling liberals is] fun and that it can feel good, but step back and think about what you’re accomplishing when you do this—are you persuading anyone? Who are you persuading? We’ve all been guilty of it at some point or another, but this kind of speech isn’t leadership—it’s the exact opposite. Real leadership is about persuasion, it’s about movement, it’s bringing people around to your point of view. Not by shouting them down, but by showing them how it is in their best interest to see things the way you do.”

Sounds like she’s talking to her boss, no?

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Ryan Reynolds, ton how he’d like to see Deadpool and his alter-ego Wade Wilson explore his pansexuality:

“I certainly think that this universe…needs to represent and reflect the world in very real ways. The great thing about Deadpool is that we’re allowed to do things that other superhero movies don’t necessarily do. It’s something that I’d love to see more of, certainly through Wade, certainly through this universe because it’s something that we’re building out more.”

Um, yeah, I’d love to see Ryan Reynolds in a little man love kinda thing, and if he feels the need for some rehearsal, well, call me.

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Seth Meyers, on _____’s obsession with being secretly recorded by Putin, the FBI, Obama, and now Cohen:

“The president is facing an intense political backlash over his press conference last week with Vladimir Putin, his administration still has thousands of migrant children jailed and separated from their parents, and his personal fixer, Michael Cohen, might be cooperating with federal investigators. So naturally, _____ has decided the appropriate response is to threaten a war with Iran. Wow, you can take the crazy old man out of Queens, but you can’t stop him from yelling at foreigners. Also, you don’t get to say “BE CAUTIOUS” when you’re tweeting in all-caps. [But] _____’s obsession with being secretly taped is not new. It’s something he’s been fixated on throughout his presidency. Like when he falsely accused President Obama of having his wires tapped, or when he tweeted that James Comey better hope there are no tapes of our conversation. It’s almost like he got secretly taped at some point, and waiting for that tape to come out is slowly driving him insane. And he tries not to think about that tape, but for whatever reason every time he pees he can’t get it out of his mind. Even Trump’s explanations for his bizarre comments about secret tapes are themselves incriminating like when he was asked about his Comey tweet, and rambled like he was under police interrogation. So _____ is obsessed with being secretly taped, but it turns out that it wasn’t Russia or the FBI he should be worried about, it was his own lawyer. Everyone from his past is coming back to haunt him. If he ever goes on trial, it’s going to look like the Seinfeld finale, but instead of the Soup Nazi, there will be actual Nazis.”

That last bit slayed me. Actual Nazis! It’s funny, cuz it’s true.

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Eric Swalwell, Democrat from California, on _____’s relationship with his Daddy, Vladdy:

“He attacked our country. Most Americans, when their homes get broken into they upgrade their security system, they don’t invite the burglar over for dinner. And the president shouldn’t let Vladimir Putin in the Rose Garden for a victory lap.”

But Vlad has the goods on _____ and so he’ll have to do what he’s told.

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Star Parker, rightwingnut activist, bashing the LGBTQ community on Christian radio because, you know, God Hates Fags:

“They keep pushing out this idea, LGBTQ. We did the ‘L’ and the ‘G,’ they legalized marriage for themselves. We doing the ‘T’ now, the trans and this is a big, big challenge in our society right now. They did the ‘Q’ where they’re changing all the textbooks, even as low as kindergarten, to reflect that you don’t know what you are, you’re questioning. But notice they skipped over the ‘B,’ and there are some that say this ‘B’ is going to bombard us with real vileness in our society if they get what they want because it’s not about bisexuality, it’s about bestiality.”

First off, you dim bulb, we did not legalize same-sex marriage, that was the Supreme Court. Get your facts queer.

And your god … little g … must be so proud of you for your idiotic bestiality comment. You think you’re cute and funny and all that. But you’re not. You’re a sad pathetic angry little person who wouldn’t know God if She walked up to you and introduced Herself.

Take a seat.

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Derek Chadwick, an Instagram “influencer’—whatever that means—has come out as gay:

“I would identify now as gay … I’ve been nervous about people seeing my personality because I didn’t want them to jump to conclusions about me without knowing my whole story. It’ll allow me to be more personable on social media. I’ll be able to post more on my stories and videos on Twitter… it’ll allow me to stand up on the stage in front of the LGBTQ community and not feel so pressured about, ‘Oh my God, I wonder they think of me’, or, ‘I wonder what they’ll think of me’. If I can just inspire one person, whoever that is, to be their true self or do something they were scared to do or didn’t feel 100% confident in, that would be the most rewarding part of all this … Being honest and being who you are is always the best way to live.”

Welcome out, Derek, and please accept as our gift from HOMO HQ the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™ and a copy of The Gay Agenda.

Welcome out.

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Christine Todd Whitman, former GOP NJ governor, calling fellow Republicans to  demand _____’s resignation:

“I am a lifelong Republican. I have campaigned and won as a member of the party, and I have served more than one Republican president. My Republican colleagues—once rightfully critical of President Obama’s engagement strategy with Russian leader Vladimir Putin—have to end their willful ignorance of the damage Trump is doing both domestically and internationally. We must put aside the GOP label, as hard as that may be, and demonstrate the leadership our country needs by calling on the president to step down.”

It’s telling that Republicans out of office have more balls in protecting this country than the Republicans in office.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So, the big Kardastrophe is today, and while I have some tidbits I won’t have full-snark until next week … since my invite to My Big Fat-Assed Ego Wedding got lost in the mail. So, let’s dish ….

• Kim’s half-brother Brody Jenner will not be attending the craptastic festivities because Kim and Kanye didn’t want him to bring his girlfriend of three years. Personally, I think Brody will go to Kim’s next wedding … the one she’ll have sometime in 2016.
• Kim is said to have wanted the wedding to surpass that of William and Kate and is rumored to have asked English designer Sarah Burton, creative director of the luxury fashion house Alexander McQueen, who designed Kate’s gown to design hers. Buxton, rather smartly, said No, but that she will be available to design Kim’s next wedding dress when she marries for the fourth time in 2016.
• The guests were given a private tour of Versailles yesterday where they allegedly wore French royalty attire because Kanye’s a big old queen. The future exes had wanted to hold their wedding there but the venue declined, though they did offer Kim the chance to have her next wedding there in 2016.
• After the tour, guests are assumed to be whisked away to some Italian castle-slash-prison where the actual Deal with the Devil takes place. Hopefully, Kim, who is as dumb as a box of rocks, won't have her next marriage there ... in 2016.
• Speaking of which, Kim is said to be royally pissed — the closest she’ll ever get to royalty — because the weather in France is rainy and damp. She prayed to God, er, That Woman, that her next wedding won't be in such a sopping wet locale ... in 2016.
• Perhaps Jay Z and Beyoncé will show, and perhaps they won’t because Kim also invited designer Rachel Roy, with whom Jay was ALLEGEDLY flirting the night of the Met Ball and because of whom Solange went all ghetto on his ass. I so hope Solange is coming because a Kardastrophe wedding is nothing without a bitch-fight. Sadly, though, I think Solange has only been invited to Kim’s next wedding in 2016.
• Guests at the craptastic wedding of Big Ass and Big Ego will each be given personal security and cell phone upon arrival in Paris so as not to have any leaked photos because, you know, That Woman will be trying to pimp out every snapshot she can next week. But, when Kim marries for the fourth time, to … I’m seeing a white rapping basketball player … guests will be allowed to take as many pictures as they want because we’ll be over this mess by 2016.
• Fashion journalist Andre Leon Talley has asked Valentino to host a brunch for the soon-to-be ex-couple at his elegant Château de Wideville. Talley will cover the event for Vogue.com because Anna usually only laughs in May and the timing of this sure-to-be hot mess is perfect and now Anna won't have to laugh again until Kim marries for the fourth time in 2016.
• Another rumor is that Kim has asked Lana Del Rey to sing at wedding. See, apparently Kanye wanted Del Rey to sing when he popped the question in front of TV cameras last year, but she said No, so he just played her song on a boom-box or something. Lana is also set to sing at Kim’s next wedding in 2016.

That’s all for now … stay tuned to this spot next week for all the gory, whore-y, details.

Meanwhile, back at the Jay Z-Solange Knowles catfight, the most persistent rumor as to why Solange went after Jay Z in that elevator, is because Jay Z might be getting just a little too close to designer Rachel Roy and Solange was only carrying out beat-down orders from her master, Beyoncé.

A source — and you know it’s Bey, calling herself Sasha Gossip — says, “Rachel is a little too close to Jay Z. Solange doesn’t like it, and Beyoncé doesn’t like it.”

So the rumor mill churned that Solange told Roy that “anyone who gets close to Jay has to be warned and deal with her as a sister.”

The brawl started when Jay Z said he wanted to go to Rihanna’s after-party — though Beyoncé and Solange were headed home to braid each other’s hair — and that Roy would also be going, and that’s what sent Solange to Beat-Down Town.

And that’s also why, when Beyoncé got off that elevator, she was smiling that smile because her plan worked and her Flying Monkey did just as she asked.

In case you think the Cannes Film Festival isn’t the crackiest place on the planet, rest assured it is because … Lindsay’s there, y’all!

Lohan has been in Cannes for days where, in between partying on yachts and being passed around like a cheap hooker at a bachelor party, she has ALLEGEDLY been “taking meetings” to “finance” her newest film.

So how does Lohan afford all this luxurious travel? No, silly, not just by being a high-class, okay, low-rent, call girl, but because she just settled her lawsuit over her failed leggings line and was awarded 150K. And that will buy enough cheap dresses, booze and crack to keep her rocking Cannes for a week or more.

Ryan Reynolds was also at Cannes with wife Blake Lively, and apparently the best part of his trip were the red carpet appearances with Lively. Because his film that debuted there, The Captive, was slammed; in fact, rumor has it that audiences actually booed the film.

Ow. He’s too hot to be booed, no?

So Johnny Weir and Victor Voronov. On-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again and now, you guessed it, off again.

It seems that last weekend Weir ALLEGEDLY attacked Victor; again!

Johnny apparently saw some pictures Victor posted of himself working out at the gym and Johnny didn’t like that The Mens were telling Vic he looked hot, so Johnny went upstairs and put on his extra sharp talons and came back downstairs and began to scratching.

Victor went to the police the next day to report that mess and showed them pictures of the scratches. He only wanted to report the attack and not have Johnny arrested or forced to leave the couple’s love-hate nest but he did go straight to TV to talk about his frightening ordeal:

“I was terrified. He was red. I said, if you don’t leave me alone, I will call the police. He would not leave me alone. So I had my phone; I was trying to call the police. So he attacked me to get the phone out of my hand.”

Man, if these two crazy kids can’t make it, again and again and again, then how the hell can anyone else expect to be happily married?

Jennifer Lopez wrote a book, y’all! Who knew she could even read?

But the best part of the book is the title, True Love. A book by a woman who dated someone named David Cruz in the early 90s, then married and divorced Ojani Noa in the late 90s, then dated Sean Puff Daddy P Diddy Puffy Combs for a hot year or two, then married and divorced Cris Judd, before moving on to Ben Affleck, who she promised to marry but didn’t because she was busy having an affair, then marrying and divorcing Marc Anthony before settling down with decades younger dancer Casper Smart.

True Love? How in the hell would she know?

Justin Bieber has ALLEGEDLY given up the Sizzurp — that codeine syrup drink that f**ks you up — because now he’s doing steroids to make his tiny frame into a massive piece of sh*t.

That’s all.

Speaking of Justin, he and Paris Hilton were in Cannes this week and the duo whom I’d prefer to call STD and Steroid Toddler were spotted out partying together during Busta Rhymes' birthday party. STD even took a squat on Steroid Toddler’s lap before heading back to his hotel for a party.

Still, rumors of a Hilton-Bieber hook-up — made me throw up a little in my mouth typing that — were shot down when the couple refused to be photographed together and because Paris left the party after a half hour since Justin only played his music.

That would most definitely empty a room.

Before heading to France and Italy, or not, for the Wedding of the Minute, Kourtney and Khloe Kardastrophe filed a battery report against the tattooed street performer because he showered them in confetti in Los Angeles in April.

I guess Kim wasn’t frontin’ the airline tickets and these two dim-bulbs needed some extra Euros for the trip.

So, earlier this month, a photo surfaced of thirteen-year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless 20-year-old actor Moises Arias.

Lotsa folks wondered if underage Willow was being left unsupervised with young men and her mom Jada called all those folks perverts when she arrived home after being gone for several days.

Then came the photos of fifteen-year-old Jaden Smith in bed with his presumed girlfriend, media whore-lite, Kylie Jenner, and, though they have said nothing, Will and Jada would most certainly call us all perverts for thinking anything bad about that coupling.

When they get back home to their children that is.

But, some folks who might not be pervs, AKA the California Department of Child and Family Services have opened an investigation into the Smith family. It’s supposedly a thorough one too.

Maybe now Will and Jada will parent their children, though I doubt it because they’re probably out of this house again by now.

To promote her latest book, some mindless garbage with the word ‘Tori’ figured into the title, Tori Spelling promised to tell the truth about just how impoverished she really is, living in squalor and all, you know.

But Mama Candy has a different take, and appeared on The Talk to dish Tori. When Julie Chen asked about Tori’s lack’o’cash, Spelling said the "rumors" are not true:

 "I'd never leave my kids in the lurch. I can't imagine any parent doing that – and I'm always there to support her. I even bought them a house in Malibu."

I guess being poor in Tori’s world means Mama has to buy your beach house.

Okay, since we started with Kim’s third, not last, wedding, let’s end with Kanye’s Ego.

If you remember, he released some Nike Air Yeezy sneakers called “Red Octobers” which sold out in a couple of minutes when they were released earlier this year. And this week, in Paris for his first, not last, wedding, he met up with a bunch of fans wanting autographs; one young man even asked Kanye to sign his Yeezy’s, which Kanye did, but not before telling him in front of everyone that his shoes were fake.

Yeah, that’s Kanye. Dissing a fan because he had on a fake pair of Kanye’s idiotically named, over priced shoes.

Get married already so I can start talking about the divorce.