The Funny Papers

Ed Hall, John Branch, Nick Anderson, Clay Bennett, Bob Englehart, Dave Whamond, Bill Bramhall, Bill Day, Jack Ohman, Mike Luckovich, Tim Campbell, Marc Murphy, Matt Wuerker, Adam Zyglis, 

Bobservations

The other day Carlos asked me to find a piece of music for him on the computer so he could buy it and play it on his trumpet. Well, we searched and searched and couldn’t find exactly what he was looking for and then he suggested we could try a music store where he has gotten oil for his trumpet. But then he remembered another music store he goes to and asked me if we could go there. I asked where that one was and he said:

“It’s by that restaurant where we eat.”

“That restaurant? We only eat at one restaurant?”

“You know the one. By that deli we like.”

When I told him I had no idea what he was talking about he asked me to look for it on Google. I searched and searched for “music store by that restaurant we like by the deli” and couldn’t find it.

Here are the late greats, MaxGoldberg and Tuxedo, BFFs for life … from October 2010

“Just For Giggles

I saw this:

And then I saw this:

Coinkydink?”

Those two boys were the best of friends from the first day they met.

Kevin Maxen, an associate strength coach with the Jacksonville Jaguars, os the first male coach in a major U.S.-based professional league to come out as gay:

"I don't want to feel like I have to think about it anymore. I don't want to feel like I have to lie about who I am seeing, or why I am living with someone else. I want to be vocal in support of people living how they want to live, but I also want to just live and not feel fear about how people will react. You have other coaches who have significant others, and they're talking about their significant others, and I felt guilty that I couldn't do the same thing, that I was letting myself down."

Not any longer, Kevin.

Welcome Out and please accept as our gift from HOMO HQ the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™ and your own copy of The Gay Agenda.

Welcome out.

An all-male panel of anti-abortion religious leaders from around the country have met at an event hosted by Operation Save America—an anti-abortion, anti-LGBTQ and anti-Muslim group—that wants Americans to follow “God’s law” and their interpretation of the Christian gospel. So, they decided that a woman who chooses abortion should be put to death.

They say they’re pro-life but don’t see the hypocrisy.

Elon Musk’s has rebranded Twitter as X because he thinks it’ll turn the site profitable again, when the reason it loses money is not because of the name but because of the asshat owner.

X marks the spot where Twitter died.

A man walks into a bar and there, perched atop the bar, is an antique oil lamp. And he asks the bartender:

“What’s this?”

“I dunno. Maybe the last guy left it?”

The man looks at the lamp, notices a couples of spots on it, and begins rubbing it with his shirt sleeve to clean it when … Poof! A cloud of smoke and a genie appears. And like all genies he offers the man Three Wishes. The man thinks for a moment and then says:

“Turn Texas Governor Greg Abbott into a pregnant woman living in a small house with no power and no air conditioning and no working fridge due to our power grid failing on a 104-degree day.”

The genie smiles and says:

“This one’s on me.”

My kinda genie.

Remember Senator Tommy Tuberville saying White Nationalists aren’t racists? Well, because he’s an ignorant twazcock, people began digging into his past and found that the stories Tommy tells about his father’s military service aren’t exactly truthful.

Tuberville claims that his daddy, Charles Tuberville Jr., lied about his age to join the army, that he was a tank commander, that he earned five Bronze Stars, and that he participated in the D-Day landing. But, an examination of army histories, newspaper reports and other materials show that Big Daddy Tuberville joined the army at 18, never got any Bronze Stars, and was never a tank commander but he might have been there on D-Day.

Let’s see, Republican who thinks White Nationalists aren’t racists is also a liar. Yeah, business as usual.

John Halls is six-foot-tall, 41-year-old former footballer turned model, and the question is: Would You Hit It?

Vote. Vote Blue. And Here's Why, AGAIN!

Well, as we just saw that Thing 45 held his first rally of the 2024 election cycle in Wacko, Texas—not a misspelling, y’all—we need to take a look at what else is happening around the country, and what’s on the line if people like that Traitor and his supporters take control of their states and this country.

Let’s start with …

UTAH

GOP Congressman Burgess Owens will chair a committee on President Biden’s student loan forgiveness plan, arguing that Biden has no authority to cancel student debt unilaterally:

“Debt cannot be canceled, only transferred from those who borrowed to those who did not.”

Burgess Owens has filed for bankruptcy protection multiple times, having his debts canceled.

GOP hypocrisy.

WASHINGTON DC

Ignorant bigot and transphobe, QAnon nutjob Marjorie Taylor Greene lashed out at Assistant Secretary for Health Admiral Dr. Rachel Levine by deadnaming the doctor on Twitter. Deadnaming is using a transgender person’s name they were given at birth. Many social media platforms prohibit deadnaming but Greene’s tweet remains active.

It all started when, while speaking at Connecticut Children’s Medical Center, Levine expressed hope that people would be more accepting of transgender people:

“What are you suffering? Where’s your harm? Where’s your compassion? I’m a positive and optimistic person, and I choose to be positive, optimistic, and I think that the wheels will turn on this.”

This infuriated Large Marge, so she linked a Fox News article—let’s not even got there—and called Levine by her deadname:

“Sorry [deadname]. We will NOT be embracing the gender change lie and chopping off children’s body parts. We will only protect children from permanent damage to their bodies and continue to stand in the truth that there are only two genders, male and female.”

So much hate … ignorance … stupidity … and bigotry all rolled up into one ugly ball of flesh.

MINNESOTA

State GOP Representative Bobbie Harder claims giving trans people rights will result in her having fewer rights; it smacks of that old anti-marriage equality argument that same-sex marriage will make opposite sex marriage less than:

“I understand the LGBTQ, ok the whole group, they can choose who they wish to partner with, that is their choice. The part that I’m gonna take issue with is that I am a woman. I was born that way. You cannot change that. So you are including people, if I understand this correctly, that are changing because that’s their choice. I mean they can do that, but now you’re including people that were not born as girls, they’re something else. So now they’re being included, so the perception that I have is now I’m potentially gonna be excluded. Because now I’m coming up there with that we are all equal, but apparently some people are more equal than others. I just, I struggle with that.”

Really what ignorant Bobbie Harder is pissed about is that if you make trans people equal, she’ll lose her privilege of name-calling and belittling the trans community.

Bitch. Dumb bitch.

WYOMING

GOP Governor Mark Gordon signed an abortion pill ban on the same day that he said he would allow another more sweeping measure banning abortion to become law without his signature. The new law would ban abortion under almost all circumstances, making it a felony to provide an abortion.

Gordon said he prayed on it, but I don’t think he prayed to God, because She doesn’t approve.

WEST VIRGINIA

A bill that would have prohibited minors from getting married in the state was defeated by the GOP-dominated Senate Judiciary Committee on a 9-8 vote.

Children as young as fourteen will now be allowed to marry in West Virginia.

Adults.Can.Marry.Children.

KENTUCKY

Lawmakers passed a bill to make the state a so-called Second Amendment sanctuary, thus prohibiting local law enforcement agencies from enforcing federal firearm bans. The bill passed the House in a 78-19 vote, and cleared the state Senate in a 27-9 vote, but the bill . Both are now heads to Democratic Governor Andy Beshear for his signature.

Fat chance.

A federal judge in Missouri struck down a similar law there on the grounds that state law can’t override federal law, and that a law doing so would be unconstitutional.

Lawmakers also sent a bill described as a “book-banning” measure to Beshear; the measure cleared the GOP-controlled House 80-18 with every Republican and one idiotic Democrat joining in. Most of the titles targeted center LGBTQ voices, or are written by Black or Latino authors.

They want to erase people of color and the LGBTQ+ community In Kentucky.

FLORIDA

Women who are raped or are victims of incest will now have to show evidence of that crime if they want an exception under the proposed six-week abortion ban. They must provide a copy of a restraining order, police report, medical record or court document to obtain an abortion.

Florida, where women, and children who are raped, don’t matter.

And then identical House and Senate bills, entitled “Protection of Children,” will go after hotels and restaurants that allow children to attend what the bills call “an adult live performance.” While they don’t specifically mention drag, the bills define the performances as depicting or simulating nudity, sexual conduct or excitement, or “the lewd exposure of prosthetic or imitation genitals or breasts.”

Restaurants and hotels that host an adult live performance, including drag, can be fined up to $5,000 for the first violation and $10,000 fine for a second violation; parents could face up to a $1,000 fine or a year behind bars for bringing their child to one of these performances.

This is the same state that wants parents to make all decisions for their children and yet they cannot make this one.

And speaking of parents, a mother in Tallahassee has cost charter school principal Hope Carrasquilla her job after complaining that during a lesson on Renaissance art, sixth-graders were shown a photo of Michelangelo’s David.

Yes, the statue of David is considered porn in Flori-duh.

IDAHO

GOP Governor Brad Little signed a bill allowing execution by firing squad, making Idaho the latest state to turn to older methods of capital punishment amid a nationwide shortage of lethal-injection drugs.

Here’s a novel idea: outlaw the barbaric death penalty as it does not deter crime and allows the convicted death row inmate decades of appeals costing taxpayers millions.

ARKANSAS

GOP Governor, and former liar for the Traitor’s White House, Sarah Huckabee Sanders has signed a law prohibiting transgender people at public schools from using the restroom that matches their gender identity.

Because everyone knows trans people only use bathrooms to harass cisgender people, not to, oh I dunno, pee.

But there’s a smidge of Good News …

NEW MEXICO

The state Legislature has passed the Human Rights Modernization Act, to update the state’s anti-discrimination law by adding explicit protections for LGBTQ+ people. The bill now heads to the Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham, who is expected to sign it.

It establishes a broader slate of protections for LGBTQ+ people by defining gender and sex in state law and expanding existing definitions of sexual orientation and gender identity.

It was first introduced in January by state Democratic Reps. Kristina Ortez and Andrea Romero and Democratic Sen. Carrie Hamblen, one of five openly LGBTQ lawmakers in the New Mexico legislature.

What to do?

Pay attention … vote … speak up … vote … because if we don’t all stand together the GOP and the traitors will soon come for us all.

They're Everywhere ... March 21, 2022

These really are the easiest posts to compile, because, literally, they're everywhere ... but that's what makes it so frightening.

ALABAMA

The Alabama House of Representatives has approved a bill that would ban the teaching of “divisive concepts” in K-12 history after a debate in which Democrats accused Republicans of trying to erase history. The bill passed 65 to 32, on a mostly party-line vote, with … wait for it, no one saw it coming … four Republicans joining the Democrats in voting against the bill.

The bill, by GOP Representative Ed Oliver has been one of the most controversial this year. Oliver was asked if there was any indication that is happening in Alabama, Oliver said there is but did not provide any specifics.

He said the bill was intended to be preventive meaning he’s trying to prevent something from happening even though he has no proof it’s happening or going to happen.

Look let’s call this what it is: A White Fragility Bill for white people who can’t handle the truth.

SOUTH CAROLINA

As if lethal injection wasn’t bad enough, South Carolina is now prepared to conduct executions by firing squad once it’s approved by the state Supreme Court. The murder of South Carolina’s 35 death-row inmates can follow.

Even more vile, is that, under a law passed in May 2021, the electric chair is the state’s primary means of execution though inmates can also choose lethal injection and now firing squad, too.

LOUISIANA

Don’t Say Gay comes to Louisiana in a new bill, submitted by GOP  Representative Dodie Horton, that would “prohibit discussion about sexual orientation or gender identity” in K-8 classes and keep instructors from discussing their own sexual orientation or gender identity with students in grades K-12.

Dodie decided the state needs a Don’t Say Gay bill after looking at Twitter and Facebook and then … wait for it … praying about it.

I long for the day there’s a Don’t Say God bill that affects Congress.

CALIFORNIA

Rachel Hamm is running for Secretary of State and has been endorsed by Steve Bannon and Michael Flynn, which should be warning enough, but then Hamm speaks:

 “I’ve been a prophetic dreamer so I had spent a lot of 2019 and 20 having a lot of political dreams that I was in office. And because our youngest son Ezekiel is a seer ... I said, ‘Hey, can you look around and see what you’re seeing?’ … And then he goes into the closet—which is where I had been when I was praying—and he said, ‘Whoa ... You’ve got a really big guy in your closet, and his power is pushing me to the ground,’ and he had never had that reaction ever, to an angel … And he said, ‘Immanuel,’ That wasn’t an angel. It wasn’t an angel that was Jesus himself. And so that’s why I’m running for secretary of state.”

Cuz Jesus came to her in her son’s closet.

This is the same Rachel Hamm who claimed in 2021 that she had repelled a home intruder in the name of Jesus and sent him to murder the witch living next door.

Huh.

 UNITED STATES

If you ever needed proof that you can’t be too rich and too stupid at the same time, look at Elon Musk, the world’s richest man, who has challenged Russian President Vladimir Putin to “single combat” for Ukraine via Twitter:

“I hereby challenge Vladimir Putin to single combat. Stakes are Ukraine. Do you agree to this fight?”

Seriously, if you thought Putin was a tiny little man with a microdick who longs to prove his manhood, take a look at Elon Musk.

MISSISSIPPI

GOP Governor Tate Reeves declared a victory as he signed a bill into law the state GOP falsely claim would ban the teaching of “critical race theory” in the state’s public schools and community colleges. Reeves lied when he said:

“Children are dragged to the front of the classroom and are coerced to declare themselves as oppressors, that that they should feel guilty because of the color of their skin, or that they are inherently a victim because of their race.”

That has never happened because, if it had, you just know Reeves would have trotted those poor victimized white children before the cameras.

 TEXAS

More than 27,000 mail-in ballots were flagged for rejection in the first test of new voting restrictions enacted across the country. It puts the rate of rejected mail ballots in Texas on track to significantly surpass previous elections.

Rejected mail ballots are uncommon in a typical election but surprisingly enough this batch represents 17% across 120 counties.

They’re trying to make sure only the right white person votes.

OHIO

GOP Governor Mike DeWine signed a bill into law that does away with the permitting restrictions to carrying a concealed firearm in the state.

Ohio law previously required eight hours of training, including live-fire practice, to obtain a concealed carry permit, and a background check was required, but not anymore.

The new law also eliminates the requirement that people inform a police officer if they are carrying a weapon. An officer can still ask and lying to the officer about carrying a weapon is a misdemeanor.

That’s the GOP, less education and more guns.

TENNESSE

Last week Tennessee House Republicans advanced legislation to ban public schools from using textbooks or materials that “promote, normalize, support or address LGBT issues or lifestyles.” While similar to Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill, which would forbid instruction on sexual orientation and gender identity in kindergarten through third grade, the Tennessee version would apply to all K-12 public schools. GOP Representative Republican Bruce Griffey, the bill’s sponsor, says the sexuality of children should be left to their parents.

What the what?

Get educated and save yourselves from The Stupids.

And CAST A GODDAMNED VOTE!

The Funny Papers

Bill Day, Darrin Bell, Michael de Adder, Marc Murphy, Nick Anderson, Nate Beeler, David Horsey, Ed Hall, Clay Bennett, Mike Smith, Jack Ohman, Dave Whamond, Ted Littleford, Mike Luckovich, JD Crowe

Bobservations

Carlos does a lot of research into his eyesight and anything that can be done to help it. The latest thing is saffron—which he pronounces say-fren—and so he wanted to buy some. I found some at our local grocer which was nice because I thought we’d have to drive out to this Middle Eastern market we love.

Cut to a few weeks later, and we’re in the grocery and Carlos says:

We need more sayfren.

Saffron.

Whatever.

He asks where it is and I tell him it’s on the far side of the store, last aisle, right hand side, halfway down, eye level with the Mexican spices and dried peppers—what can I say, I am good with directions—and off he goes.

But he doesn’t come back when I think he should so I go off in search, and there he is … far side of the store, last aisle, right hand side,  about a quarter way down the aisle looking at the bottom shelf, where the Thai spices and coconut milk sit.

I walk past and mutter:

Far side of the store, last aisle, right hand side,  halfway down, eye level with the Mexican spices and dried peppers and here it is.

Oh, good.

Goddess love him.

Now, onto the rest of the Bobservations that are _____ heavy because I am disgusted by what this traitorous rapist is doing to America and if we don’t vote his flabby orange ass from office in November, I don’t know if we’ll ever recover from him.

After Trump calls it unfair, the DOJ reduced his BFF Roger Stone’s sentencing recommendation, and four DOJ prosecutors resigned in disgust.

The criminals are running the show people. Pay fucking attention.

Last fall, before his heart attack, Bernie Sanders promised to release his medical records before the first votes were cast … last week. He said the “American people have a right to know whether the person they’re going to be voting for for president is healthy. And we will certainly release our medical records before the primary.” But Iowa came and went, and New Hampshire happened, but Bernie is singing a different tune:

“I mean, you can start releasing medical records and it never ends. We’ve released a substantive part—all of our background. We have doctors who have, cardiologists confirming that I am in good health. I am in good health.”

But that’s not what you promised, Bernie, and it makes you sound like _____ with his taxes. And considering you had a heart attack after that first statement … give us some transparency man.

In just another in a long line of reasons why she would never get my vote—like she ever would—this presidential hopeful Tulsi Gabbard defended _____’s decision to fire Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman for being a patriot.

Tulsi, c’mon. Come out already … you’re a Republican.

You wanna know where America’s headed under ____? Think on this … This week IMPOTUS praised China’s death penalty for drug dealers.

Deal drugs in China? Die. Rape women in the US? You’re the President.

More on ____? Remember that Iran attack on the American Airbase in Iraq last month?

Remember when _____ said there were no injuries? Then said there were 25 …then 34 …then over 50 traumatic brain injuries that he compared to headaches?

New report says there were more than 100 Americans injured in that attack. Thanks to _____.

Palette Cleanser needed … So, I give you Alberto García Cabrera. Mr. Spain 2010  and noncommissioned officer of the Air Force who combines the best that his passion for modeling and his military profession can.

Alberto supports and collaborates with the organization "Orphans of the Air Force " that cares for the orphans of the military and civilian personnel of the Air Force and of the Common Defense Corps.

And he looks damned hot doing it.