How To 'Spot The Gay' According to A 1980s CIA Memo

Back in the 1980s, a decade or more after Stonewall it appeared to LGBT activists that progress was finally being made in the push for our civil rights, with the Democratic Party becoming the first major political party to endorse am LGBT-rights platform.

But that same year, the CIA released a three-page memorandum on how to Spot The Gay during police investigations, perhaps for the purposes of blackmail. It’s pretty high-larious, as you might have guessed … so let’s look at some of it:

1. Know that it won’t be easy to Spot The Gay.

“One of the most common mistakes made by the average person is the conviction that he can recognize a homosexual on sight. This is similar to recognizing a communist.”

Clearly, this was in the years before the ‘I’m Not Gay But My Boyfriend Is’ t-shirts.

The memo adds, “Very few employees come to work wearing eye makeup or ‘My Sin.’”

Very few?

2. The Gay is a good worker.

“The homosexual subject is usually regarded as an above-average employee. His work habits are good, he is punctual, responsive to authority, cooperative, friendly, a credit to the organization.”

Uh oh. I’m gay. And, if at your job, some guy wins Employee of the Month more than once, he is probably “a gay.”

3. The Gay has a post office box.

“Our subject leads a Jekyll-Hyde existence, constantly cautious, constantly aware that his ‘Mr. Hyde’ will be exposed. He frequently uses a Post Office Box to receive mail from trusted friends.”

Mail from trusted friends? Howsabout porn and video and magazines and, um, accessories?

Clearly this means if a guy does not have a PO Box, he likes girls?

4. The Gay drives an Audi or a Volkswagen — but not often.

“His car (preferably foreign) is often reserved for weekends, rarely drives to the office.”

How the hell did we get to work? On Rainbow-farting unicorns?

Sidenote: my fist car was a Volkswagen, so maybe there’s something to this? Oh, and I lived close to my job so I often walked …. Oh god, I’m gay!

5. The Gay speaks a foreign gay language.

“He has his own language” which includes “pass words,” or “auditory signals with which to test a chance acquaintance.”

Huh … and what are some of those pass words?

Gay

Straight

Bi

I wonder if the CIA tried to get Alan Turing to crack that cose?

6. The Gay has a roommate.

“It is not uncommon for two homosexuals to live together and not engage in mutual sex activity.”

So, two Gays live together but they aren’t “doing it”? Clearly one of them is not gay then because two gay men will always have sex with one another, anywhere, anytime, ever and always.

Amirite, fellas?

7. The Gay is a great tenant.

“Landlords often encourage rentals to homosexuals since they are neat, generally quiet, interested in keeping their apartments in good condition, and dependable when it comes to finances.”

No wonder I have always gotten my full security deposit back … I’m gay!

8. The Gay is really smart …

“The homosexual is a complex, intelligent, interesting and mixed-up individual.”

Nothing more to add to this one.

9. … but The Gay is also a Hot Mess.

“In checks of credit and police records, particular attention should be given to any arrests for disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, or similar offenses.”

I’m neat, clean, tidy and respectful, but I don’t pay my bills and I’m prone to causing a scene.

It didn’t take long for the CIA’s antiquated views to get a judicial wake up call. In 1982 the agency fired a, a 9-year veteran employee after he openly admitted to identifying as gay. “John Doe” was represented by the ACLU, and after a 3-year legal battle, a federal judge ruled that the man must be rehired by the agency.

John Doe was able to blend in, had a PO Box, was a hard worker, drove a foreign car, had his own special language, had a roommate, was neat and tidy and polite, but forgot to pay his bills and maybe got a little drunk in public, and was smart enough to work at the CIA without them ever knowing it.

Hornet

America Under Siege: #FakePresident Brought His Own Audience To Clap For Him

The Fake President, or the #AlternativePresident, strikes again, as CBS News has confirmed reports that President Donald _____ brought an audience with him to hear his speech before the CIA over the weekend.

That may explain the ALLEGED standing ovation and the thunderous applause because many in the audience were on the _____ payroll. And now, an official with the CIA says the “visit” has left a wake of “unease,” “made relations with the intelligence community worse,” and was “uncomfortable.”

CBS says CIA “authorities are also pushing back against the perception that the CIA workforce was cheering for the president. They say the first three rows in front of the president were largely made up of supporters of Mr. _____’s campaign.”

In fact, the truth, the fact, is that the crowd hearing _____ speak was filled out with about forty guests invited by _____, and that those in the front rows—mostly senior CIA officials—were not cheering. In fact, yes, fact, on the video from the vent, you can see this official’s heads turn toward the cheering and the laughter while not joining in:

“An official with knowledge of the make-up of the crowd says that there were about 40 people who’d been invited by the _____, Mike Pence and Rep. Mike Pompeo teams. The _____ team expected Pompeo to be sworn in during the event as the next CIA director, but the vote to confirm him was delayed on Friday by Senate Democrats. Also sitting in the first several rows in front of the president was the CIA’s senior leadership, which was not cheering the remarks.”

Now, these senior officials did admit that there are _____ supporters within the CIA, and that they; along with the _____ invitees, were standing off to the right, which was the direction _____ directed his most needy remarks.

Also, as we have seen this week, the _____ team is saying that thousands of people were invited and over 400 RSVP’d, but “officials dismiss White House claims that there were people waiting to get into the event.”There wasn’t a throng of people clamoring to get inside, just like there weren’t throngs of people at the inauguration, or throngs of people watching at home.

This is _____; he lies about crowd sizes and ratings and popularity which is funny, because as his term progresses the crowds and numbers are only bound to get smaller.

And he only has himself to blame. _____ needed this visit to repair relations with the CIA after all the time he’s spent undermining the intelligence community, but instead he offended them with talk of his “historic’ win and his “:epic” mandate and his “bigly” ideas.

And that’s why many in the CIA are speaking out and saying he carried with him his own cheering section of employees and flunkies to cheer him on because, without them, .... silence.

Politicus USA

The Funny Papers

The Funny Papers