Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand that I am fully aware of how annoying I can be but that’s their problem and not mine.

… that there is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul … especially when it’s over ice with a celery stalk and vodka.

… that I shout “not friendly” when people approach me while out walking and I don’t have a dog; I’m talking about me.

… that when I call in sick to work never ask me what’s wrong; I’m sick of y’all, that’s what.

… that no one realizes that my toxic trait is that you cannot threaten me with screenshots of what I said. I said what I said. Get me a microphone and I’ll say it again.

… that try as I might I cannot find bug repellent that works on people.

… that if you text me and I text right back do not ever assume you can call me because you know my phone is in my hand. I will call the police.

… that I tell people I’m vegan … well, a social vegan … I avoid meet.

… that Carlos still hasn’t learned that when I suggest we play doctor what I mean is that he go sit in another room for an hour while I read.

… that I didn’t know life was gonna be like this? Had I known I would have gotten a job and bought a house in first grade.

Why Is It ...

… that, based on the amount of laundry I do every week, I starting to think there are people living here that I haven’t met yet.

… that we all have that one friend that  you need to tell “be nice” before introducing them to anyone new; and, yeah, I’m that friend who needs to be told.

… that if we’re only talking about looks I think I’m a good 7, but if you factor in sense of humor, personality and values I’m a decent 2.

… that when someone says to me, “I never see you around” I respond with, “I know, I make sure of it.”

… that friends need to know that if I don’t text back it’s because they didn’t say anything interesting.

… that I have only just realized that one aspect of adulthood is the rage I feel when they rearrange my grocery store.

… that some people will text me at 2AM asking what I’m doing , and I respond “I’m outside negotiating a peace treaty with a racoon.”

Why Is It ...

… that even though I can tell who is real and who is fake, I love watching a fake person’s acting skills.

… that everyone hates math until they get their paycheck and suddenly they all know calculus.

… that when people text me "Where you at” I always look around for a minute before I lie.

… that it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly or beautiful, at the end of the day it’s evening.

… that mind is like a web browser; 21 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

… that people need to learn that when I say “I’ll call you later,” I mean later in life, not later today.

… that while I know I swear a lot ... [A] I am sorry ... [B] I’ll watch my mouth from now on ... [C] A & B are lies ... [D] You can fuck off.

… that while I am trying to stop being mean, y’all need to stop being stupid first.

… thatI have been told that I am going to Hell for my excessive use of the F-word, but I have rented a bus if any of you fuckers want a ride.

The Funny Papers

Adam Zyglis, Clay Bennett, Trevor Irvin, Dennis Goris, Rick McKee, Pedro X Molina, Max Espinoza, Mike Luckovich, Ted Littleford, Marc Murphy, Michael de Adder, Kirk Anderson, Gary Huck

Why Is It ...

… that one of my biggest flaws, when I ask someone their name, is that I forget to listen to what they say.

… that if you find me offensive, then I’d suggest you stop finding me in the first place.

… that y’all need to remember if Drunk Me said or did something rude and mean, you gotta take it up with Drunk Me. Don’t come at Sober Me; we weren’t there and we don’t know what happened.

… that the conversations I have with myself while I’m folding laundry are especially deep.

… that no automated messaging system realizes that I will press 0, and continue to press 0, until I get a representative.

… that you cannot text me once a day like I’m a vitamin.

… that one minute you’re young and fun and the next minute you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

… that when a friend says to me, “Oh that’s so mean, I can’t say that,” I say, “Give me the phone.”

… that they call me 007 at work because I have 0 motivation, 0 skills, and take 7 bathroom breaks a day.

… that Facebook doesn’t let you laugh at a Friend Request.

Why Is It ...

… that I want to start booing people during conversations that don’t interest me.

… that when I was a kid I could fall ten feet off the monkey bars, jump up and yell, ‘I’m fine,’ but these days when I try to scoop ice cream that’s a little to frozen I dislocate my shoulder.

… that I find myself at that age where the only club you’re gonna catch me at now is Sam’s Club.

… that my friends don’t understand how to text with purpose. I can’t be Hey, Heying everyday….

… that male bees have it made; they die right after mating. That’s their life. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

… that most of my co-workers understand what I’m saying just by my facial expressions, eye rolls and slights twitches, but the ones who don’t will do so soon enough.

… that I don’t always go the extra mile but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

… that there is nothing funnier than hearing a work friend use their fake customer service voice in public and thinking, ‘That’s not the real you.’

… that if it’s the thought that counts, I’d probably be in jail by now.

Why Is It ...

… that my phone won't auto correct when I have caps lock on? Is it because it assumes I’m angry and doesn't want to get involved?

… that my boss doesn’t get it that I don’t listen. I just smile and nod and hope for the best?

… that sometimes I’ll read a text and think ‘What a psycho’ and then I press ‘Send.’

… that when I offered a friend a sincere compliment on their mustache, she suddenly decided not to be friends anymore?

… that when I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so those behind can see it’s not my fault.

… that exercise and extra fries sound so much alike. It’s a plot.

… that when I put thing away in the cupboards I forget where they are, but if I leave it all on the counter I get overwhelmed.

… that the first shot of liquor is so nasty and the next thing you know, so am I?

Why Is It ...

… that I think people who ask "Can I call you?" are so sweet. I mean,, obviously you can't but you're so sweet.

… that my patience is a lot like a Gift Card; you never know how much is left on it, but you can give it a try.

… that you live your life hoping to find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all of your time, and then you realize that person is your boss.

… that people who want to be my friend have to understand that I don’t want to talk every day.

… that when I walk into work and my boss says, “You’re late,” I reply, holding out my cup, “It’s pronounced ‘latte’ but thanks.”

… that as I grow older I realize that pleasing everybody is near impossible, but pissing people off is a piece of cake.

… that worst part of a fender bender is getting out of the car and having to meet a new person.

… that NASA can receive data from 47-year-old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from Earth, but it takes me days and days to respond to a text from a friend in town?

Why Is It ...

… that I loathe Taylor Swift and find her music boring and tuneless tripe, but that I love how she  pisses off the MAGAts and the Rightwingnuts?

… that it sometimes takes me days to get back to a text? To be honest, I’m understaffed at the moment.

… that sometimes you meet someone and you just know from that first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them?

… that while some people can sleep on their backs, or their sides, or their stomachs, I tend to sleep like a rotisserie chicken?

… that when I scream at a squirrel to get out of the road so he doesn’t get run over by a car, I have the same feeling as my Guardian Angel does watching me live my life?

… that I find it impossible to ‘rise and shine’? All I can do is caffeinate and cross my fingers.

… that I get what I call ‘pre-annoyed’? It’s like I know you’re about to piss me off?

… that I tell people that the best perk to being my friend is that they’ll be called the 'normal’ one?

… that I am still waiting for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age?

… most people are scared to say stuff but I’m not? Is that why I only have three friends … Carlos, Rosita and Consuelo?

… that the fact I cannot explode into a thousand bats to escape awkward social interactions is a constant source of irritation?

Why Is It ...

… that I sometimes read a text and think, “What a psycho,” and other times I just press Send?

... that I look at people and think, "Shut the Hell up," and they aren't even speaking?

… that the older  I get the less I feel the need to be included, understood or accepted?

… that the problem I have with movies about surviving an apocalypse is that I have no desire to survive an apocalypse.

… the people appreciate my honesty until I’m honest about them , and then suddenly I’m an asshole?

… that every time I try to eat healthy along comes Thanksgiving and Christmas and summer … or Tuesday, and ruins it for me?

… that my boss got annoyed when I called in ‘healthy’ to work last Thursday, saying, “Look, I’m not coming in  today. I feel really good and don’t want to waste it on work.”

Bobservations

Last week, as I was getting ready to leave work, I received a text from Carlos and this is our conversation:

“Hi sweetie, where would you like to have lunch in Columbia tomorrow?”

“Why am I going to Columbia tomorrow?”

“I have an interpretation with the public defender’s office.”

It goes on with me telling Carlos I didn’t know about the interpretation and him telling me that he texted about it, and me not having that text on my phone. So, I start driving home, using Siri to send texts to him as I drove, and sending the last one  as I pulled into the garage.

In the house we had a small less-than-spat because Carlos insisted he’d sent the appointment text and yet it was neither on my phone nor his. It went round and round, until I went to change my clothes, and as I came back to the kitchen, I heard Carlos talking with his Siri, which he had programed to speak with an English accent, and that went like this:

“Hey Siri, did I get a new text?”

Siri, sounding a little like High Grant says:

“You have a new text from Bob. Shall I read it?”

“Yes.”

“Bob says: ‘Suck a dick.’”

I kinda giggled at that.

Tuxedo has decided that, from now on, Michael Flynn will be known as General Disinformation.

Missouri’s chief disciplinary counsel, citing Mark and Patricia McCloskey’s guilty pleas to misdemeanors for waving at Black Lives Matter protesters in St. Louis last year, is asking the state Supreme Court to suspend Boozy and Clod’s law licenses.

Good.

We’re watching Impeachment: American Crime Story, about the blowjob heard ‘round the world, and it appears that Paula Jones—who says Bill Clinton exposed himself to her in the early 90s—is very unhappy with Annaleigh Ashford’s portrayal of her in the show, calling it cartoonish, insulting, inaccurate, and deeply offensive. But she also has words for Monica Lewinsky, who is credited as a producer—Ryan Murphy didn’t feel right making the show without Lewinsky’s involvement—and says:

“I find it funny that Monica can have a relationship in the Oval Office, under the Oval desk, yet … people want to hear her story. It makes no sense to me. I have always been shunned and made fun of.”

Paula, honey, Bill showed you his dick once, but he stuck his dick into Monica over the course of many months; you are just an asterisk, okay?

Sidenote: I will say again that Monica Lewinsky is not a victim of sexual harassment. It takes two to tango, and from the show, which again Monica is a co-producer, the first time she meets Clinton she tells him she has a crush on him. On another occasion, she pulls her jacket up to show him the straps of her pink lacy thong. Plus, even more importantly, he wasn’t just her boss, he was the president, and she knew he was a married man and still she went for it.

Both Bill and Monica are to blame. The victim is Hillary Clinton.

This past at the Emmys RuPaul’s Drag Race won the award for outstanding competition program again, making RuPaul the most decorated Black artist in Emmy Awards history.

Shantay, Ru slayed.

Just a reminder that the vaccinated Fox News hacks like Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham and the rest of the trash continue to bash the vaccine and claim that mandates are tyranny, but they are ALL vaccinated because their employer has mandated that they take the vaccine or not come to work.

Hypocrites. Lying, twisted hypocrites.

Another hypocrite is one Eric Clapton who wrote an anti-vaxxing song and said he would not play in any venue that requires proof of vaccine or proof of a negative COVID test.

Last week Clapton performed in New Orleans at a venue that requires both of those things.

Fuck off.

Remember that press conference on the steps of the Supreme Court last year with “doctors” touting hydroxychloroquine, and receiving praise from the Former Guy?

Well, Florida’s new Surgeon General, appointed by Ron DeathSantis, is Dr. Joseph Ladapo, who was one of those speakers.

Asking for a country: can someone please ask Kyrsten Sinema and Joe Manchin exactly what “bipartisanship” they’re salvaging by protecting the filibuster?

Mitch McConnell has just said he’d let the government default on loans which could cost six million American jobs and wipe out $15 trillion in household wealth.

There is no bipartisanship on the other side, there is just the need to destroy this country and then blame Biden for it.

The body of Gabby Petito has been found and people are still suggesting this might not have happened if her parents had taught her to leave an abusive and toxic relationship.

But why don’t parents teach their sons not to be abusive, to take ‘No’ for an answer.

Stop blaming the victims.

This week in Would You Hit It we are featuring Alexander Ludwig, a Canadian actor and singer and big blond hunk of beef who is currently starring as a wrestler in Heels. I will also add that the man possesses one of the finest asses seen on TV and ask the question:

Would you hit it?

While mentioning the murder of Gabby Petito, it also needs to be brought up how many people of color go missing every year, hell, every day, and yet are not featured on every single news cast every single day.

Just For Fun: A Week-Ending Carlos Tale

 That up there is what I call a 'Bob-a-Rita.'

It's two parts Reposado Tequila, 1 part Fresh Lime Juice, and 1 part Grand Marnier. Shaken and served straight up. I stopped in at my local watering hole to have one on the way home from work the other night. i took a picture of the drink, and texted it to Carlos saying I'd be home soon. He replied:

"Ok. What do you ant me to do"

"Wait for me to have another?"

"Another what?"

"Look at the picture."

"Did you send me that picture"

":::sigh::: I'm on my way home."

Bless his heart. He thought some rando sent him picture of a cocktail at the same exact moment that I was texting that I was having a drink.

Again, bless his heart.

Random Musings

I know it’s Flori-duh, but, seriously, what is wrong with the politicians down there?

Joshua Black, a GOP candidate for the Florida House, posted a little something to his Twitter account calling for Barack Obama, the President of the United Sates, to be hanged.

Oh, but he did.

And it generated a lot of buzz, from reTweets, angry response Tweets, a lot of new Twitter followers, an article in the Tampa Bay Times, a call from Anderson Cooper's guest booker, TV interviews and, most importantly, a little visit from some folks I like to call the Secret Service.

Black says that Secret Service representatives were waiting for him at his house while he taped a TV interview, but he insists his Tweet was not a threat, and that saying ‘I’m past impeachment. It's time to arrest and hang him high’ was just his way of expressing outrage over the president killing U.S. citizens with drone attacks and without due process.

At the request of county chairman Michael Guju, Black resigned from the Pinellas County Republican Executive Committee, but dismissed the idea suggested by Florida Governor Rick Scott that he withdraw  his candidacy to represent families of Pinellas County.

"I do not take orders from the governor, I'm staying in the race."

I wonder what he’ll do when he loses.

I’d like to ask y’all — or at least those of you who do it — to stop LOLing.

Seriously. Stop with the Tweets and the Facebook updates and the blog comments where you feel the need to LOL.

I seriously don’t believe that anyone who LOLs is actually Laughing Out Loud at that moment.

It’s on in Russia.

Pavel Lebedev, a protester of Russia’s anti-gay laws, was arrested in Voronezh as the Olympic torchbearer made his way through the city because he ran into the road waving a rainbow flag. Lebedev was taken to the police station "to clarify the circumstances of the incident." Lebedev, a longtime activist against Russia's anti-gay law, who attempted to marry in St. Petersburg last June, may be fined for "violating public order".

Like I said, it’s on.

So, Phil Robertson, that dick from Duck Dynasty, spewed his racist, homophobic venom and folks got outraged by what he said, A&E suspended his show, and then the right backed him up and A&E backed down and then, when the new shows began airing last week they received the lowest number of viewers in its history.

Snap.

The premiere of Duck Dynasty season 5 had 8.5 million viewers, which is kinda huge for a cable show, but down nearly 30% from its record-setting fourth season debut.

The people have spoken by changing the channel.

Good news!

Houston Mayor Annise Parker and her partner of twenty-three years, First Lady Kathy Hubbard, were married last week in Palm Springs.

 “This is a very happy day for us. We have had to wait a very long time to formalize our commitment to each other. Kathy has been by my side for more than two decades, helping to raise a family, nurture my political career and all of the other ups and down and life events that come with a committed relationship. She is the love of my life and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life married to her.”—Annise Parker

Congratulations!

Goldie Hawn is an idiot.

She met the president of Nigeria, who signed a law making the fact that you're gay a crime, and where people are asking to stone The Gays to death, and called him “wonderful”.

Indeed.

You gotta hand it to One Million Moms [OMM]. They protest everything from JC Penney to the Rose Parade to TV shows, and their protests are paying off.

See, the OMM — and really there are about 45,000 of them — recently began protesting the ABC Family show The Fosters, which features a biracial lesbian couple with a household of foster children.

And as a result of their protest, at least according to the people behind The Fosters, that criticism helped the show get off to its strongest start yet when its second season premiered last week.

"A stamp of disapproval from One Million Moms is like a critic’s pick. I'm incredibly grateful for their attention."— Peter Paige, executive producer of the show along with Jennifer Lopez

So, thanks for badmouthing the show, OMM; it helped draw viewers in.

Speaking of TV, we have officially given up on CBS’ new show Intelligence. I started watching the show because it starred dreamy  beefy hot Josh Holloway, but that wasn’t enough to sustain my interest, sadly.

So, I’ll stick with Episodes, on Showtime, and it recent addition of Chris Diamantopoulos as the clinically insane, though terribly hot TV executive; and with PBS’ Sherlock, though not because of the Cumberbatch but because of the cute as a button Martin Freeman. And, I’ll be checking out Starz’ new pirate show, Black Sails simply because of the hothothot pirate Toby Stephens.

I’m shallow like that.

The NRA tends to stay silent in the immediate aftermath of a high-profile shooting incident because, well, what can you say about people being gunned down in colleges and movie theaters that makes any sense at all. But, the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday was a different story; that day called for an NRAS statement.

The NRA enlisted the help of black “commentator” Colion Noir to deliver a video message about how much King loved guns. Noir shifts his message to gun control, pointing out the fact that he was granted a concealed handgun license, while historical record shows that King applied for one and was denied. And then he says some nonsense about how King, even though he “surrounded himself with people with guns” it didn’t stop him from being gunned down by James Earl Ray.

Of course, Noir doesn’t explain how King, if he had been granted a permit to carry a gin, would have survived the shot.

Asshat.

Both California and New Jersey have passed legislation banning gay conversion therapy for minors and it looks like similar legislation is being presented in Virginia.

Delegate Patrick Hope, a Democrat, introduced legislation that would ban so-called “reparative therapies” but also said his ban would not affect religious counseling that does not involve licensed therapists or adults who seek out the therapy on their own. It would bar professional therapists from practicing conversion therapy, which the American Psychiatric Association opposes, on children younger than 18.

Similar bills have been introduced or are forthcoming in Maryland, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Minnesota.

And speaking of Virginia, its GOP anti-gay former Governor Bob McDonnell has been charged with accepting illegal gifts from a local businessman; his wife Maureen was also charged.

Authorities allege that for nearly two years, the McDonnell’s hit up executive Jonnie Williams Sr. again and again, lodging near constant requests for large loans, clothes, trips, golf accessories and private plane rides.

In exchange, authorities allege, the McDonnell’s worked in concert to lend the prestige of the governorship to Williams’ struggling company, a small former cigarette manufacturer that now sells dietary supplements. They said the first couple arranged access for the CEO to top state officials, allowed the historic governor’s mansion to be used for a launch party for his company’s new non-FDA approved pill and attended events designed to boost the company’s prestige with university scientists who might research the company’s product.

The McDonnell’s face 14 felony counts including wire fraud and lying to a financial institution and Maureen McDonnell is additionally charged with obstruction of justice. Naturally McDonnell issued a statement of his innocence:

 “My fellow Virginians, earlier today federal prosecutors notified my attorneys that they have filed criminal charges against me and my wife Maureen, alleging that we violated federal law by accepting gifts and loans from Jonnie Williams, the former CEO of Star Scientific. I deeply regret accepting legal gifts and loans from Mr. Williams, all of which have been repaid with interest, and I have apologized for my poor judgment for which I take full responsibility. However, I repeat emphatically that I did nothing illegal for Mr. Williams in exchange for what I believed was his personal generosity and friendship.”

He wants off because, while he admits to accepting the illegal gifts, he paid them back once people began investigating.

It’s like the time I robbed a bank, and as the police were coming to arrest me, I gave the money back.

Yeah, that didn’t work either.

More from Virginia? And good news?

Well, Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring has announced that the state's gay marriage ban is unconstitutional and says he will not defend it in court.

"After a thorough legal review of the matter, Attorney General Herring has concluded that Virginia's current ban is in violation of the U.S. constitution and he will not defend it."—Spokesman Michael Kelly

Herring, who campaigned in part on marriage equality, is planning to a file a brief this week with the federal in Norfolk, where one of the lawsuits is being heard, as notification of the state's change in position in the case.

There are currently two federal marriage equality cases in Virginia; the American Foundation of Equal Rights [AFER] and Ted Olson and David Boies have taken the lead of one case; the other is being handled by Lambda Legal and the American Civil Liberties Union [ACLU].

Thanks Mr. Herring, for standing on the side of equality.