The Funny Papers

Dave Whamond, Matt Wuerker, Michael de Adder, Max Espinosa, Nick Anderson, Jack Ohman, John Cole, Gary Huck, Pedro X Molina, Slyngstad Cartoons, Mike Luckovich, Clay Bennett,

A Bob and Carlos Story: Sunday Breakfast

A couple of years ago Carlos told me a story about his mother making refired beans in their kitchen in Mexico City. She’d cooked the beans and then began to mash them in a skillet, and every so often, she would pick up the pan and flick it hard to flip the beans and then mash again. One time she flipped a wee bit too hard and some of the beans ended up on the kitchen ceiling.

Carlos laughed at his mother trying to explain to his father about beans on the ceiling.

Well yesterday, as Carlos does, he was making pancakes for breakfast, and as I came into the kitchen to eat, he reminded me of the Bean Story and then pointed to the stove where he missed the griddle with a ladle of pancake batter. 

I saw a mixture of batter and dried cranberries kind of congealing and cooking on the stovetop, and we … well, mostly me … had a good long laugh about that and then sat down to eat.

He likes syrup on his pancakes and I like a little butter and some cinnamon sugar on mine, so I buttered a cake and reached for the “sugar” and saw that he’d gotten Whole Jamaica Allspice for me. And so we laughed about that as I went to the cupboard for the real cinnamon sugar. I sat back at the table, buttered a cake and sprinkled … wait for it … it’s epic … Celery Seed on my breakfast.

We couldn’t stop laughing because between the two of us, we are the hottest of messes.

PS Celery Seed isn’t so bad if you want a more savory cake.

Bobservations

Since the pandemic began, the local band in which Carlos plays the trumpet has canceled all performances and rehearsals. But Carlos, for whom playing the trumpet is a kind of relaxation, has been practicing, still, every day. The other night, however, out of the blue, he asked if I minded him practicing, and I told him this was his house, and he could practice whenever he wanted.

“But I don’t want to disturb you.”

“You disturb me constantly, but you can do whatever you want in your house.”

“Our house.”

“Yes; our house; your house; my house. And I would never tell you that you can’t practice the trumpet even if it did bother me which it does not.”

Cut to a few nights later; I get home  about 7PM and he’s rehearsing. I head back to the office-rehearsal space and we chat for a moment. He continues to practice, and I began doing some things on the computer until he says:

“Do you mind if I play some more?”

“You can play whatever you like. If I can’t concentrate, I’ll leave the room.”

“Well, I’m trying to master this Haydn concerto.”

“Oh, that concerto.”

“You know it,”

“Yeah, it’s the one where when you start playin’, I start hidin’.”

I still got it.

Tuxedo, sadly, cannot vote, but he is growing ever more furious at the way this country works.

Tom Brady’s merchandise company, TB12 Inc., received nearly a million dollars from the Federal Paycheck Protection Program [PPP]—a $522B program designed to help small businesses cover things like rent and payroll. But with the GOP in charge, it was mostly larger companies that benefited while nearly half of all small businesses were denied PPP.

Now comes word that Brady, shortly after receiving his welfare check, bought himself a forty-foot yacht.

To be clear, it’s not illegal for Brady to accept PPP, and no one is suggesting that he used the money to buy a yacht, but it certainly looks terrible for a multi-millionaire accept a check for his business in a pandemic and then buy a luxury item.

The rich get richer …

The RNC has spent 300K purchasing Junior’s latest book. And, as criminals do, they’re trying to cover that expense up.

The payment—$303,892.47—didn’t go directly to Junior, but went to something called Pursuit Venture LLC., a company that was formed in late 2018 and lists Junior as its principal.

Grifters gonna grift, and the GOP is complicit.

PS No word if the GOP paid in cash or cocaine. ALLEGEDLY.

It looks like, while ______ refuses to accept he’s a loser, many in the White House are already plotting their exits and talking about the ‘toxic’ atmosphere.

So, yeah, cue the flood of books coming from those people, and cue me railing at anyone who buys one of those books written by people who stood by and let this murderer run rampant and did nothing.

Believe their stories, don’t buy their books, don’t put coins in their pockets.

I don’t know about y’all, but I loathe using the word ‘Xmas’ instead of Christmas. That’s all.

Steve Kornacki, MSNBC’s election wizard has landed his dream job: a slot on NBC’s signature NFL broadcast. Kornacki came out as gay in 2011, and his appearance proves that LGBTQ+ people belong everywhere in sports.

Now, let’s get a player to come out.

In other good gay news … California’s Supreme Court has its first openly gay justice with Martin Jenkins being sworn in by Governor Gavin Newsom. And more? Jenkins also is the third Black justice to serve on the court.

This is what America looks like.

Yes, a nice older man, a silver fox if you will. But he’s hot and sexy and smolders and he’s quite gay; and a bit of a renaissance man.

Eric Rutherford. He’s an actor, a model, an entrepreneur. He stopped modeling, for a while, in his early 30s, and became an event planner, a production assistant. He even worked for about five years with Oprah Winfrey, helping her open her girls’ school in South Africa.

I won’t hold that against him. I got other things in mind … and now he’s back modeling because hot, no matter the age, never goes out of style.

Bobservations

Last week I had a nasty head cold. I wanted to simply stay in bed and get it out of me, but on Friday we had several errands and so, being the chauffer, I drove Carlos around Smallville.

I had one caveat: stop at a drug store and have Carlos get me some Cherry-flavored Nyquil. Nyquil knocks me out, let’s me sleep, and without fail, I wake in the morning feeling almost human. Carlos went into Walgreens while I waited in the car, and after a bit he came out with a bag of, what I’d hoped, was Heaven.

We got home and I asked where the Nyquil was, and he said he’d put it in the bathroom. And so, later in the night, as I got ready for bed, I thought of that cherry liquid and feeling better in the morning. I entered the bathroom and found the bag on the counter. Inside was a small jar of Vicks Vap-o-Rub, or, as Carlos calls it, in that accent, Bic Boppa Rue, and alongside that was a bottle of …

Walgreens Generic Brand cold and flu and nasal congestion relief. Not only wasn’t it Nyquil, but it wasn’t even Cherry; it was some neon blue shiz in a bottle marked … and this is where I could kill him … non-drowsy formula for daytime use.

Cherry-flavored Nighttime Nyquil. And he got Walgreens blue shiz Non-Drowsy Daytime. The only plus was that as I lay awake most of the night, struggling to breathe, and rubbing my forehead and trying to erase the headache and stuffiness and congestion, was that I could plot his demise.

He has surgery next week and Nurse Ratched will be home taking care of him.

Karma, like me, is a bitch.

Being completely honest, and why not, I have a huge crush on Stanley Tucci, who epitomizes the Hot Bald Gay Nerd ideal in my head. Oh, I know Tucci is, sadly, heterosexual, but I can dream, eh?

And my dream came true … Stanley Tucci will be playing gay in his latest film, Supernova, alongside Colin Firth as his longtime lover, traveling across England in their old RV visiting friends, family and places from their past. Tucci’s character suffers from early-onset dementia so the trip is the most important thing they have. As the trip progresses, their ideas for the future clash, secrets come out, and their love for each other is tested as never before.

Sounds sad, but also sweet, and it has La Tucci!

Now, a tale of one sane person and two crazy people.

John Kelly, former chief of staff to _____, recently said that he had warned the president before he left the White House not to replace him with a “yes man” because it would lead to _____’s impeachment.

And look what happened, right? But now, _____ is denying that Kelly ever delivered that warning: 

“John Kelly never said that, he never said anything like that. If he would have said that I would have thrown him out of the office.”

But the best comment was from White House Press Liar, Stephanie Grisham said:

“He just wants to come back into the action like everybody else does. I worked with John Kelly, and he was totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great President.”

Clearly, she drinks on the job … still.

More crazy? Okay … In just a few weeks Henderson Kentucky’s Central Park will be the site for a Day of the Dead celebration. Most people think it’s a good opportunity for people to learn about Hispanic culture, but City Commissioner Patti Bugg has a different take:

“I’d say 99 percent of the day of the dead is probably innocent. I think that’s fine. I think if you want to honor your loved ones. I think the only challenge is if they actually try to summons [sic]somebody else, you know, a loved one from the grave, then I think they’re asking for some serious stuff. As a Christian, I don’t think they can do that.”

Seriously. Seriously? Seriously.

Pete Buttigieg was recently in South Carolina and, well, he’s having a bit of trouble connecting with Black voters because, yup, The Gay,

At an event, there were about 24 uncommitted black voters who said they were deeply uncomfortable discussing Buttigieg’s sexual orientation and did not like that he was “flaunting” his sexuality by talking about his husband.

Are straight people flaunting their orientation when they talk about their spouses or are they, and Pete Buttigieg, just talking about their lives.

C’mon, it’s 2019. We’re here; we’re queer; we’re running for president. And some of us have husbands.

Sorry for flaunting that.

Police Sergeant Keith Wildhaber, a St. Louis County police officer, who says the department passed him over for promotions because he is gay was awarded $19 million in a discrimination lawsuit.

Wildhaber filed the lawsuit against the St. Louis County Police Department in 2017 after he was told to “tone down your gayness” if he wanted to be promoted to lieutenant.

Again … here, queer, and some of us are police officers.

In news that makes me squeeeeeee like a little gay boy, there is talk that a growing number of Republicans are privately warning of increasing fears of a total wipeout in 2020: House, Senate, and White House.

From their moths to the voting booth.

Let’s do this!

In last week’s I Ain’t One To Gossip But … I posted that photo up there of septuagenarian Suzanne Somers posing topless in the weeds for her birthday.

Commenter den81164 said:

“first thing i thought of when i saw suzanne's picture was "janice" the girl muppet in the rock and roll band on the muppet show. google it and you'll may see it too.”

Den was so right. High-lariously right!

Over the weekend we watched Mary, Queen of Scots starring the delicious Saoirse Ronan as Mary and Margot Robie as Elizabeth. Good film poor Mary; girl lost her head, um, Spoiler Alert?

Anyway, the film also starred the oh-so-delicious Jack Lowden as Mary’s second husband, Henry Darnley, who ay have been gay, or may have been bisexual or may have been fluid but was hot any which way you tell it.

Dreamy ginger, with an English accent. He could give Hot Prince Ginger a run for his money.

The Funny Papers

Pat Bagley, Ed Wexler, Mike Smith, Mike Luckovich, Nick Anderson, Rick McKee, RJ Matson, David Fitzsimmons, Monte Wolverton, Clay Bennett