Why Is It ...

… that people will write a paragraph to disagree with me on social media and never think that I hit Delete as soon as I see it.

… that I love when people are rude to me because, oh my god, no way, it’s now my turn.

… that my boss doesn’t see that I am humble enough to know I’m replaceable at work, but also confident enough to know that it will take at least three people.

… that no one realizes that I am quite adept at using all the swear words in a single sentence.

… that people need to realize that if they hear me telling the same story twice, just let it go. I only have six memories and they all take turns.

… that I am planning on engaging in orange cat behavior today and, no, I will not explain.

... that after 50, you're like an old phone battery. Even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10 AM you're at 60%. 

… that being an adult is so weird. I'm unsupervised all the time, how unsafe.

… that I am so easily annoyed by feelings, people, my own thoughts … honestly I don’t even know why I started this list. I’m already irritated

… that sometimes I listen to someone and think ‘Holy shit, you’ve got the IQ of a crayon.’

Why Is It ... But First ....

… that people need to remember that the TV is always on in my house because it’s my emotional support background noise.

… that the other day I told my boss I was going to the bathroom, burt didn’t say which one, and so I just went home.

… that when I tell people I’m in a good place right now, I don’t mean emotionally, I mean at a bar with good drink specials.

… that people named Debra will go by Deb but never Bruh.

… that while the best response is no response, but since I have a smart mouth you’re gonna hear from me.

… that I am a good person up until I see someone driving the speed limit in the left lane.

… that I just realized that I have reached that age where I am bothered by lights left on, open doors, loud noises … and people.

… that people need to know that once I unfriend you I will go to your profile and unlike my likes, unlove my loves, unwow my wows, and I will even unhaha my hahas.

… that some people need to know that I am in the the studio writing a diss track about them. Be afraid.

Why Is It ...

… that I have decided, with a peaceful spirit and a loving heart and a clear mind … that some people can still kiss my ass.

… that people need to know that I was raised with manners but if you go low, I will take us both to Hell.

… that I hate when people hold the door for me when I’m like ten yards away and then I have to hit a jog to get to the door quickly  so I don’t look rude.

… that people don’t realize that the “P’” in my name stands for Patience and that’s why there is no ‘P’ in my name.

… that I am a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

… that I cannot help but think men invented arm wrestling so they can hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes.

… that when friends ask me if I want to go for a run I always ask, “From what?”

… my adult life is literally how my mom used to describe me as a baby: “Oh, he’s overtired and that makes him cranky.”

… that I have a habit of deleting my own posts quickly because I am not the same person I was three minutes ago.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize that I am actually kind of funny  and loving once you get past the 19 walls I put up.

… that when my boss told me I was all out of vacations days, I told him to sign me up for maternity leave.

… that y’all need to know that I have tried shutting up and found that it wasn’t for me.

… that people don’t understand that they shouldn’t send me mixed signals. I never even get the direct ones.

… that many times I get road rage walking behind people in grocery stores.

… that as I grow older I realize that stretching is not an option. I need to remove my spine and wring it out like a damp towel.

… that today, while I’m choosing kindness, y’all need to remember that it’s still early.

… that, while I am not bragging, I will share that my posts are enjoyed by well over three people worldwide.

… that after venting I sometimes sit back and think, “I should have kept that to myself.”

… that I am not built for anybody who’s soft. I’m mean, I talk back, I don’t listen and sarcasm is my first language.

Why Is It ...

... that people need to know that, while I might be annoying, at least MY lock screen isn’t a selfie.

… that when I was younger and my parents told me not to come home late, I always came home early … the next morning.

… that I miss the old days back in 1955 when I didn’t exist.

… that the fact that I have more clothes to sleep in than I do to go out in says a lot about who I am as a person.

… that I want to join the cicadas this summer and just scream for six weeks straight.

… that when a social media post includes “I bet none of my friends will share this” you can rest assured I won’t.

… that when I know my social media page is being watched I post things on purpose, just to ruffle your feathers.

… that sometimes the best place to be is nowhere to be found.

… that no one  or nothing has had a bigger glow up in the last ten years than cauliflower. It went from being nasty ashy broccoli to being the Mystique of vegetables, always coming at you with a new shape. You want rice? Mashed potatoes? Pasta? Cheese? Pizza? Low cost housing? A man? Make it from cauliflower.

Why Is It ...

… that I haven’t been able to teach my body that the fight or flight response is supposed to be for life or death situations, and not answering an email.

… that whenever I see two people arguing online I believe whoever spells correctly.

… that blocking someone on social media isn’t enough; I want them to have lice.

… that every so often I burn sage in the house and then I pass out because I’m the negative energy

… that when life gives me lemons I just eat them whole; I choke that lemon down … skin, pulp, pith, seeds, and all. And I don’t break eye contact with the lemon. I figure life will stop being a bitch if I show it that I am done fucking around.

… that no one seems to be aware that, for me, the lack of coffee may cause memory loss and sometimes memory loss.

… that it took me this long to realize I have just Three Moods: What the Fuck? Are you Fucking kidding me? And Fuck this.

… that those who like my social media posts are happier, more intelligent and better looking than those who don’t … according to a study I made up in my head.

… that being human is sometimes so miserable that I’d rather be a baby hippo who is allowed to bite everyone.

Why Is It ...

… that sometimes I feel like giving up even though I know I have a lot of people to prove wrong.

… that I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired and today isn’t looking so good and I’ve already used up tomorrow’s tired.

… that every day I try to decide if I should be an example or a warning to others.

… that people should stop asking me for moral support when they all know I have questionable morals.

… that I am always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.

… that I’m pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and then I’ll have the whole set. 

… that people are afraid to share my posts because they think the SWAT team will come knocking on their door. I mean, the SWAT team doesn’t knock.

… that, while I don’t know if I could ever ‘complete’ someone, driving them batshit crazy sounds doable.

… that if anyone uses the F-word twice in a single sentence I feel like I have found My People.

… that it took me this long to get my Senior GPS. I mean, not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there in the first place.

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that you need to know if you block me on social media you’d best be blocking my friends, too, because they’re sending me screenshots.

… that I often want to stop a conversation mid-sentence and say, “Hey, I don’t care.”

… that you don’t realize there is no point in arguing with me. I realized I was wrong about 15 minutes ago and now I’m just trying to make you mad.

… that apparently saying “the vibes are off” is not an excuse to leave work early.

… that I stop myself from making sarcastic comments at least forty times a day and I am never given credit for it.

… that you need to remember to chill before my Inner Voice becomes my Outer Voice.

… that I would rather walk barefoot across a carpet of Legos than share a fun fact about myself with a group of strangers.

… that whenever I agree with someone it’s usually so they’ll stop talking.

… that when my boss and I argue and he says, ‘I didn’t ask for an attitude,’ I reply, ‘No worries. It’s complimentary.’

… that I have to apologize if I acted insane, but in my defense, I’m insane.

Why Is It ...

… that people keep talking about the flu but the only thing I’m fighting these days is the urge to call out of work every single day.

… that staying to yourself and not bothering people bothers people.

… that no one understand that my posts are not directed at any one person, but if the shoe fits, wear it Cinderella.

… that whenever someone says, “I like your personality,” I always say, “Thanks. I have more.”

… that I don’t dust my house because I believe we come from dust and we return to dust and that dust on my coffee table might be someone I know.

… that no doctor will allow me to get my glasses prescription placed into my windshield.

… that I just realized that the reason Carlos is the perfect  person to gossip to is because he won’t tell anyone what I said since he wasn’t listening in the first place.

… that when people say I’m acting crazy, I have to remind them that I am not acting.

… that I’ve reached the age where I don’t need an alarm clock to wake me up; I have a bladder that does that.

… that I truly think I can generate electricity with how irritated I can get at times.

Why Is It ...

… that before you slip into my DMs, you need to look between the ‘T’ and the ‘U’ on your keyboard.

… that while I finally quit drinking for good, I am still drinking for evil.

… that people need to know that if they see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session inside my head.

… that I have never had a Welcome mat at my house? Because I’m not a liar.

… that people don’t realize that I am no longer interested in Driving at Night, Leaving My House at Night, Driving in Winter, Leaving My House in Winter. Driving, and Leaving the House.

… that I’d rather clean the whole house than do dishes.

… that I lie awake at night thinking what if I get kidnapped and I have a stuffy nose and they duct tape my mouth.

… that every day around midnight I am shocked to find out it’s only 5PM.

… that when yet another coworker asked if I could be more annoying, the next day I showed up wearing tap shoes.

… that I could be the bigger person, but being the reason HR makes a new policy is much more exciting.

Why Is It ...

… that getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog poop instead of walking around it.

… that while I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, I am also deaf in one ear.

… that I look into the fridge for a snack only to find there are no snack worthy snacks so I lower my snackspectations and eat a single slice of cheese and that one grape.

… that I often wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.

… that I refuse to clean up any rumors out there about me unless it’s the one where people say I’m out there eating coleslaw because that is a bridge too far!

… that my boss hates it when I say “I’m ready to call it a day” right after I clock in.

… that no one gets it that the I in my name stands for I don’t care. And before you say there is no I in my name, I will say it’s there, and it’s silent.

… that I just realized that next week has been exhausting.

… that only I know my body isn’t a temple, it’s a haunted house that needs a lot of work and makes mysterious creaking sounds, and contains the spirit of a creepy old lady that’s always mad about something.

… that I sleep like this: Blanket on, too hot; blanket off, too cold; one leg out, perfect.

Why Is It ...

… that I don’t think I’m old, but I have noticed that my dinner time and bedtime are getting dangerously close to one another.

… that the two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job.

… that non-cat people don’t realize that cats are better than babies for many reasons, one of them being that when you’re done holding a cat you can just drop it to the floor.

… that if you speak to me in the morning and I’m mean, it’s your fault, not mine.

… that I take rumors about me as a compliment. Is it because I like the fact that you’re bringing my name to tables I don’t sit at shows your obsession with me? Stay bothered.

… that people don’t get that they can burn all the sage they want; I’ll still come back.

… that jobs are so clingy; why do you have to see me 8 hours a day, five days a week … or even 6 hours a day, four days a week.

… that I don’t get why everybody hates lazy people; we didn’t do anything.

… that October is my favorite time of year? I can finally turn off the ac and turn on the heat at 5AM then turn it off at 9AM and open the windows and then shut the windows at noon and turn on the AC, only to turn it off at 7PM and then turn …

… that if I blocked you on social media the block also applies to real life so if you see me, keep walking.

… that when my boss said my co-workers told him that I intimidate them, I stared at him until he apologized.

ISBL Asshat of the Week: Trevor Jacob

I loathe Trevor Jacob, and I might like him arrested.

It seems that last year, Jacob, a social media addict, asshat and daredevil YouTuber, posted a video of himself parachuting out of a plane that he claimed had malfunctioned, purposely abandoning the aircraft and allowing it to crash into the Los Padres National Forest in Southern California.

Fact is, Trevor Jacob jumped, and crashed that plane, for views on YouTube, and while he got some views, he also lost the right to ever fly again. The Federal Aviation Administration [FAA] says Jacob violated federal aviation regulations and operated his single-engine plane in a “careless or reckless manner so as to endanger the life or property of another.”

The agency immediately revoked Jacob’s private pilot certificate, effectively ending his permission to operate any aircraft.

I think he should be arrested. Sure, maybe he saw to it that the plane would crash in an uninhabited area, but what if there were hikers, what if the plane caught fire and started a massive wildfire.

All that for a few clicks on social media.

Asshat.

Bobservations on Ukraine

I didn’t write this, but I found it at Hopes and Fears  and if for anyone confused about what's happening in Russia and Ukraine:

Ukraine used to be in an abusive relationship with Russia, feeding him, letting him use her car, paying for the coffee etc. and giving him whatever he asked for until she built up the confidence to call it quits back in 1991.

Since then, Ukraine has been working on herself, becoming a strong independent woman with help from friends like France, America, Poland, and others. They give her support, loan her money, and are helping her find her way.

Ukraine has been enjoying being single for 30 years and looking forward to continuing to grow and create new friendships.

Now Russia, being the toxic ex that he is, wants her back, and doesn't want her meeting new people or creating any new relationships as this impacts the level of power and control he can exert over her.

A couple of weeks ago Russia started sitting out the front of Ukraine's house and when her friends ask him what was he doing there, he said "Oh nothing, just getting a little bit of exercise in, that's all."

After her friends told her that Russia was potentially getting ready to do something bad to her, he said "They're lying, they just want you to be scared of me and that's not what it is."

Yesterday Russia broke into Ukraine's house, beat her up and "took advantage" of her while live-streaming and double dog dared any of her friends to do something about it. She's still waiting for help.

I didn't write this, but it's a great analogy, with one exception: she's not waiting for help. She's kicking that abusive boyfriend's ass while her friends are destroying him on social media.

In a statement published to Twitter, imprisoned Putin opposition leader Alexei Navalny has called on the Russian people to protest the invasion of Ukraine and has called Putin an “obviously insane tsar.” Navalny noted that protests from within Russia would signal to the world that not all Russians support Putin’s attacks.

Flori-duh Governor Ron DeSantis has rejected a push for his state to sell investments in Russian-owned companies in retaliation for the invasion of Ukraine. In the past, however, he has called for taking on Communist China and reviewing the state’s investments in Chinese companies. He’s also called for the state to stop investing in Ben & Jerry’s parent company over its decision to stop selling ice cream in the Israeli-occupied West Bank and contested east Jerusalem.

But Russia? He won’t do it and won’t say why. Understand that Flori-duh and do something about it.

Just the other day in Ukraine a Russian military convoy that was ALLEGEDLY more than 40 miles long reportedly stalled on its way to the capital of Kyiv because … wait of it … they ran out of gas; and food.

That Putin  isn’t a good planner of attacks, eh?

The International Criminal Court has opened an investigation into possible war crimes in Ukraine, an early step in a process that potentially could lead to Russian President Vladimir Putin and other Kremlin leaders being charged at The Hague.

The Moscow Exchange is not open for stock trading this week in hopes to stop the flow of blood from their economy thanks to the invasion.

Ordinary Russians are facing the prospect of higher prices and banned foreign travel as Western sanctions over the invasion of Ukraine sent the ruble plummeting 30% against the U.S. dollar. Russian citizens are lining up at banks and ATMs to try and save their assets and Russia’s central bank increased interest rates 9.5% to 20% to prevent a run on the banks.

Never was there a better illustration of Thing 45’s “alternative facts” than what was presented by Russian state media this week.

As BBC World TV opened its bulletin with reports of a Russian attack on a TV tower in the capital Kyiv, Russian TV was announcing that Ukraine was responsible for strikes on its own cities. Seriously.

But … rather than commenting on the food and service at Russian restaurants and cafes, some users have begun posting online reviews detailing Russian actions in Ukraine to try to smuggle information past the tight control of state media.

In an effort to stop the truth from getting out, Russia's communications regulator took radio station Ekho Moskvy off air, because of its coverage of the invasion, but online comments on platforms such as Google Maps and Afisha.ru are harder to contain … like these “reviews”:

"The place was nice! However, Putin spoiled our mood by invading Ukraine. Rise up against your dictator, stop killing innocent people! Your government is lying to you."

"The deployment of troops in Ukraine is a war, not a special operation. Russian military kill children and civilians!!!!"

Online users in Russia also recommended posting pictures of Ukraine in reviews for popular eateries.

Look at that! Social media can do some good.

A Ukrainian woman has been praised for her bravery after she confronted a heavily armed Russian soldier with sunflower seeds. She handed him the sunflower seeds—Ukraine's national flower—so that they might grow when he dies.

Switzerland, a favorite destination for Russian oligarchs and their money, announced that it would freeze Russian financial assets in the country, set aside its long history of neutrality to join the EU to penalize Russia for the invasion of Ukraine.

Boeing suspended maintenance and technical support for Russian airlines this week while US energy firm Exxon Mobil is leaving Russia. Airbus stopped sending spare parts to Russia and supporting Russian airlines. Apple has stopped sales of iPhones and other products in Russia, while Ford Motor joined other automakers by suspending operations in the country.

Visa and Mastercard have blocked multiple Russian financial institutions from their network, complying with government sanctions imposed over Moscow’s invasion of Ukraine. And both companies have announced that they will donate $2 million for humanitarian aid.

Google has announced that YouTube will geoblock Kremlin-affiliated media outlets Russia Today [RT] and Sputnik in Europe to choke off Russian war propaganda. Facebook, Microsoft, TikTok and Twitter announced similar restrictions.

After calling Putin a “genius” last week, Thing 45 has changed his tune and is now condemning Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.

Fuck all the way off you pandering traitor.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov was ready to justify the invasion of Ukraine to a top UN human-rights forum on Tuesday—but was left humiliated when more than a hundred diplomats abruptly walked out.

Ain’t nobody got time for lies.

I love that people, and countries, around the world are standing up with, and for, Ukraine, but some of them to rethink their messages.

And I’m looking at you Carmen Carrera. Carrera, of RuPaul’s Drag Race, looked all kinds of messy and thirsty when she posted her support for the people of Ukraine while wearing a lingerie ensemble that she believes matches the colors of Ukraine’s flag. It doesn’t.

But she’s not the only one. Actor AnnaLynne McCord went viral after posting a video on social media where she apologized to Russian President Vladimir Putin for not being his mother, saying she believed she would have loved Little Vlad so much that he’d would not become a Micro-dick-tator. Seriously.

And then we have John Cena, used the attack to promote his new HBO Max show by Tweeting:

“If I could somehow summon the powers of a real life #Peacemaker I think this would be a great time to do so.”

Yes, let’s summon a fictional superhero to fix an actual war. Oh John, take a seat.

Then there’s The View’s Joy Behar ranting about how she hasn’t been able to go to Italy because of the pandemic “and now this.”

Sorry people dying and being forced to flee their homeland has put a snag in your vacation plans you entitled one-percenter.

Now, while I am hopeful when I see the world, and the Ukrainian people, and the Russian people speaking out, I do realize that Putin is a lunatic and you cannot count him out until you take him out. But know that he is squirming watching Ukraine take on his troops, watching the entire world Stand with Ukraine, and watching his own people turning against him.

Bobservations

I like to scare Carlos because, well, I’m a child. So, when I come home from work I often sneak into the house, knowing he’s in the back office. I creep down the hallway stand at the door watching him on the computer and says:

“Boo.”

He always jumps and I always, again, because I’m a child laugh and clap my hands. Now, he has tried to do the same to me, but he doesn’t succeed because, since I do it to him, I am always ready for him, so when he jumps out and says ‘Boo’ I just say ‘Hello.’

One day this week I pulled into the garage and thought of a new tactic. I sent him a text saying I was just leaving work and would be home soon. I crept into the house, and I could hear his Siri reading him my text. Then he sent one back to me saying that dinner was ready. I crept down the hallway; I stood outside the office and saw him on the computer. I texted him, and he asks his Siri to read it to him:

‘Bob sent a new text: ‘Boo.’

And then I yelled ‘Boo’ and had to peel him off the ceiling.

I am such a child.

As I told Carlos, you may think Mary’s outfit was too short, but at least I didn’t see her vagina. Can’t say the same about Melanie.

Remington, the maker of the rifle used in the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting to murder 20 first-graders and six teachers in 2012, has been ordered to pay victims’ families $73 million in damages.

Good. It’s a start.

It's OK for a cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up, but when I do it, I’m called antisocial.

The GOP is outraged about inflation and will running on that in 2022, but …

The Federal Reserve—which is in charge of fighting inflation—has 5 open seats to which President Biden nominated 5 highly qualified candidates and yet the Republicans didn’t even show up to the hearing.

Inflation is the fault of the GOP because they will fuck you and this country to keep themselves in power.

Thing 45’s new social media platform touts the return of Free Speech … if you have $4.99 a week to spend on it.

PS The truth is that $4.99 per week is going right into Thing 45’s pocket.

Dr. Deborah Birx has a memoir coming out that will focus on her contentious time as White House coronavirus task force coordinator in Thing 45’s administration.

Sorry, Deb, not interested in how you goose-stepped along with misinformation and outright lies while people died. You should have had a spine installed when you had the chance.

Sometimes when Carlos is in a hurry, he just hooks my leash to a chain outside the store while he shops inside.

Lauren Boebert has been named “Hottest Woman in Congress” by some MAGAt group, and she proudly posed alongside the award.

Note they spelled her name wrong on the award, and someone used a Sharpie—the Official Pen of QAnon loons and Traitors—to correct it.

Even better, the award came with a gift certificate to Red Lobster.

Garrett Swann is a digital marketing strategist and a social media influencer and model, and openly gay man, and kind of a salt-and-pepper hottie. So, Would You hit It?