I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

I kinda liked Ryan Lochte during last summer’s Olympics; he seemed like a good guy. But then he came home and suddenly he was Hollywood Lochte, showing up everywhere and, well, now this.

Lochte has his own reality show coming up—I know, who doesn’t?—called What Would Ryan Lochte Do? and he’s decided that he will pattern his reality show celebrity after one Kim Kash Kow Kardashian.

“Kim started from pretty much nothing, and now everyone everywhere knows who she is,” he says. “That’s what I want to do.”

I guess all that chlorine in the pool did a number on his brain cells.

And I guess he’s also gonna do a sex tape with Ray J, then  marry a professional basketball player on TV and divorce about a minute later, and then get knocked up by Kanye West.

The future looks like a dim bulb.

Speaking of the Kash Kow …..

Her sex tape co-star, Ray J, fancies himself some kind of rapper, though his greatest claim to fame is boinking a Kardashian and then getting screwed out of the royalties by Mama Kardashian.

So, with nothing else to do but play up his amateur porn star status, Ray J has released a song that is ALLEGEDLY about the Kash Kow, and it’s lovingly entitled ‘I Hit It First.’ In fact, that picture up there, on the right, is the single cover, and on the left is a Googled image of the Kash Kow. Coinky-dink? I think not.

Plus, here’s a sample of Ray J’s master lyric writing capabilities:

I hit it I hit it I hit I hit I hit I hit I hit it first

I hit it I hit it I hit I hit I hit I hit I hit it first

She might move on to rappers and ballplayers

But we all know I hit it first.

I had her head going North and her ass going South

But now baby chose to go West

It’s kinda funny, in that it’s true, and sad, and kinda pathetic. And because Ray J insists, insists, the song isn't about The Kash Kow.

Madonna has always had a contentious relationship with the African country of Malawi for several reasons. First, she started a charity there—mostly as a way to placate the people of Malawi for circumventing their foreign adoption laws so she could adopt two children—and then there was a lot of money embezzled from the charity, and speculation that maybe Madonna knew more than she was saying. Plus, there was the school that Madonna was going to build, but never did, though she did give money—a lot less than she would have given for The Madonna School of Self-Indulgence—to several other schools.

Then came the embarrassing letter Madge sent to new Malawi President Joyce Banda, with its high-larious grammar errors and sad misspellings. First, she addressed the President by her first name—not done—and then congratulated her on her new job as if it was a secretarial position. She ended by saying, ?Wish you the very best! Best of luck to you!”

It is said that the letter offended Banda, who refused to meet Madge, and then it got worse. See, Madonna went to Malawi anyway, on that ‘charity tour’, and endured all kinds of horrific treatment when she was set to leave. She—Madonna!!!—was made to wait in line at the airport with the ‘regular’ people, and was even frisked by security like a commoner!

Rumor has it the orders to treat Madge like a real person, and not some fake-accented-former-pop-star came from Banda herself, who pretty much confirmed it in a statement that referenced “blackmail”:

“Granted, Madonna is a famed international musician, but that does not impose an injunction of obligation on any government under whose territory Madonna finds herself, including Malawi, to give her state treatment. Such treatment, even if she deserved it, is discretionary not obligatory. …. Kindness, as far as its ordinary meaning is concerned, is free and anonymous. If it can’t be free and silent, it is not kindness; it is something else. Blackmail is the closest it becomes.”

Madonna, of course, is firing back:

“I did not ever ask or demand special treatment at the airport or elsewhere during my visit,” she said in a statement. “I will not be distracted or discouraged by other people’s political agendas. I made a promise to the children of Malawi and I am keeping that promise.”

You, um, promised a school, Madge, and yet there is no school. Explain please? :::crickets::::: Even her own charity admits the donations made were roughly $400,000 and not the $15 million she originally promised.

But that’s Madonna, it’s about her, and what she wants, and not about anyone else.

It looks like serial masseuse groper, John Travolta and his longtime beard, Kelly Preston, might finally call it quits. Rumor has it that it will probably cost Travolta a cool $200 million payout to keep his secrets locked away.

Apparently, since John is getting more notice for his misdeeds than his acting these days, Kelly has demanded that, unless he starts supporting her career, this marriage, such as it is, is over.

 “Kelly has had it up to here with John,” confided a source—possibly a masseur—close to the couple. “She’s tired of always having to take care of their family while he goes off gallivanting around the globe, for work or pleasure. Now it’s her time.”

The couple’s latest problem began in last month when she was given the chance to star in a new sitcom called “Keep Calm and Karey On” and John basically told her ‘No’. He wanted her in Florida taking care of their children and looking like she loves him, like he’s a straight man.

“Kelly and John had a knock-down, drag-out fight at their Florida home that ended with her stalking off and going to Los Angeles,” the source said. “And she told John that unless he changed his tune and started to carry more of the weight in the marriage, she’d see him in divorce court.”

As Olivia once said to John—back when we thought he was straight—and Kelly might be singning today, ‘You better shape up. ‘Cause I need a man … I need a man. Who can keep me satisfied.’

Didn’t work then and probably won’t work now. 

We haven’t seen or heard much from Tom Cruise in the last few months. Oh, he finished another big-budget crapstravaganza and got some more surgery to his face—how else do we explain his sudden passion for the surgical-scar hiding turtle necks unless he’s trying to recapture the 90s?

Then Tommy was said to have broken his silence on his break-up with Katie Holmes, AKA Inmate #29845, when he said he was blindsided and that life is tragic and comic and that he’s fifty and thought he could ‘control’ everyone, er, everything. Now, of course, because he looks like a simpering imp, Tommy’s people are saying he wasn’t taking about the break-up he was talking about being blindsided by the fact that, um, his, um, what is it, his career is teetering on Oblivion­—and that’s not just the name of his newest movie.

In fact, Tommy is so desperate to have this movie put him back on top after the d-i-sastrous Rock Of Ages—an unintentional comedy of bad singing and faux machismo—bombed bigger than his last marriage.

So, what does he do? He showed up at the premiere of the movie five hours early.

FIVE.HOURS.

I imagine him prowling the sidewalk looking for fans: I’m Tom Cruise dammit!

Creepy.

Perez Hilton stepped in it … again … when he posted a story on his site earlier this week claiming that Katy Perry had reunited … Perez-speak for &%$@ed … ex-husband Russell Brand and that they’d been spotted kissing.

Then Katy Tweeted:

And suddenly Perez was all ass-kissy and apologetic and blamed it on his ‘sources’—and by ‘sources, you know he means himself because he sits in his house in a chenille housecoat and blogs gossip and stuff. At least I get dressed before I do it!

Perez said:

A source told us today that they saw Katy Perry and her ex-husband Russell Brand making out, but we have confirmation now it simply wasn’t true! We’re so sorry for jumping the gun on this one, KatyCat and Russ!We were just so excited to imagine two of our favorites were rekindling an old flame, we must’ve been blinded by our love for you guys as a couple!!

He’s lucky Katy didn’t torpedo him with one of her Rocket Boobs.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Wow.

I never saw this coming, though, well, I’m not really surprised; he’s a three-time loser in the marriage game now. Three strikes and you’re out, or maybe three strikes and you can come out?

I thought the Republican National Convention—with the Ron Paulettes and the Not-Romney’s going up against the GOP machine—was going to be the biggest, hottest mess of the year. Not so. That title goes to the Cruise-Cruise divorce.

Yup. Apparently Katie has snapped out of her Scientology-stupor and has filed for divorce from Tommy Grrrrl. And it is not going to be a pleasant split.

See, according to a statement from Tommy’s handlers, he was “blindsided” by the announcement….in much the same way that Nicole Kidman was blindsided when Tommy filed for divorce from her.

Payback is a bitch, and it’s ALLEGEDLY Katie Holmes. Who ALLEGEDLY didn't sign the standard Promise To Stay Married To Tommy Grrrl For Ten Years like Wife ! and Wife 2.

Katie, I guess she won’t be answering to Kate anymore, filed for divorce yesterday, citing that old Hollywood standby, “irreconcilable differences.” But the ugly comes in because she has also asked for sole legal custody and “primary residential custody” of little Suri.

In other words: Tommy will be a weekend Dad, at best. See, Katie saw what happened when Tommy dropped Nicole, with their children, and she is not about to let him do the same to their daughter.

This.Could.Get.Ugly.

And fun, you know, for me!

Matt Lauer is a douche.

Yeah...he's really gonna miss her

Ever since the Today Show ratings took a hit earlier this year—after being on top for about a hundred years—reports have surfaced that Lauer wanted new co-host Ann Curry gone.
You know, because it’s all her fault.
And now comes the sweepstakes over who takes Curry’s spot. One story I heard is that Hoda Kotb, who co-hosts The Today Show’s 5^th or 6^th hour—alongside Kathie Lee Drunkard—would be stepping in; and that would make room for a new co-host for Kathie Lee, in one Regis Philbin.
Well, that’s interesting. Of course, other names crept in, too, like Savannah Guthrie, or maybe me! But one name that isn’t being tossed into the hat is that of Matt Lauer’s ALLEGED former mistress, Natalie Morales.
Yup. The same Natalie who may have schtupped her some Lauer. And the same Natalie who ALLEGEDLY has a young child who looks a little Lauer-esque.
Yeah, that Natalie Morales. But it seems that, as much as Lauer likes Natalie, he wasn’t keen on having her sit by his side…at least on TV.
And maybe that bit of news will see Natalie Morales leave The Today Show and NBC as well.
A source—and I’m betting on Ann Curry—says: “If Natalie’s passed over for the job, she’s going to leave next.”
See, Natty has been with Today since 2006 and was thought to be Meredith Vieira’s replacement when she left last year, but Curry snagged the job. And Natty has never been happy about that, you know.
The source—bye Ann—says: “This will be the second time [Natalie] has been passed over for the top job. And she’s not happy.”
Hmmm, since Matty just scored a new contract worth some $25 million a year, maybe Natty could go the paternity suit route and sue him for some coins?
Just a thought.

Matty & Natty

Now, while we’re still on The Today Show kerfuffle, let’s talk about who might be truly responsible for keeping Natalie Morales away from Matt Lauer and his lap.
Rumor has it that it’s none other than Matty’s second wife, Annette Roque, who has already tried to leave Lauer once before, going so far as to file for divorce before ultimately deciding that Matty was her Goose that Laid the Golden Contract.

And, maybe, well, Annette got wind that NBC was dumping Curry and that Natalie Morales might be getting that job and she hightailed her Louboutins over to Lauer’s office and laid down the law: No.Mistress.Cohost.EVER!

Matty & The Missus

It seems that if Natalie is even being considered for the job, Annette is threatening to divorce Matty.
It’s gonna get ugly.
If Natty doesn’t get the gig, she’s out.
If Natalie gets the gig, Mrs. Lauer is out.
And if Annette leaves, well a huge chunk of Matty’s millions goes with her, and you know he won’t let that happen; hair plugs are expensive.
So, my guess is that Natalie and Ann might be cleaning pout their desks at the same time, and Annette Roque will be getting a lot of new shoes.

The tabloids are throwing a lot of different stuff at Johnny Depp about why he left his not-wife after fourteen years and a couple of kids.
But it doesn’t seem to be affair-fueled gossip; no, it just seems that Johnny was, well, bored.
A source—and it may be one of the two women rumored to be dating Johnny now….bisexual Amber Heard o dumped her girlfriend for Depp, or his publicist Robin Baum—who claim, “Johnny was bored senseless and he wanted out of the relationship for a really long time.” 
But rumors are that Johnny, who was seen last year exciting the home of one of those Olsen troll dolls wearing the same clothes he was wearing the night before—Walk of Shame—is seeing multiple women now.

Amber. 
Robin. 
A Troll. 
The girl behind the counter at Starbucks. 
My next door neighbor...I mean a creepy looking guy has been sniffing around over there for a few weeks now.
Well, I guess if you’ve got two or three or seven girlfriends that whole notion of being bored is just flies out the window.
Just saying.

Oh Madonna. A nipple to stay in the news, followed by a moon shot for publicity. Then the leaking of your tour rider to show how crazy you really are, and to keep your face, or ass, on the front page. Whatever will you do next? I mean, other than losing the British accent and recording some decent music?
Well, it seems that Madge has revealed that she has a team of cleaners come in after she leaves her hotel room, her backstage areas, her bathroom, her limo, her toilet, her bidet, so that her DNA can be completely scrubbed from every surface.
Yup. MDNA don’t leave no DNA. In true diva style AKA a desperate need for publicity, Madge has set up a “sterilization team” to wipe away any DNA—hair, skin, saliva--that may have been dropped in her rooms after she leaves.
In fact, obsessive compulsive Madge orders that only she and her entourage are allowed ­backstage passes. In fact, concert promoter Álvaro Ramos, overseeing the ­Portuguese leg of the spectacle, says: “We have to take extreme care, like I have never seen for any other artist. We cannot even look at the dressing room, after it is ready, or even open the door. We can only enter after her sterilization team has left the room. There will not be any of Madonna’s DNA, any hair, or anything. They will clean up ­everything. In the end it is all to protect her and make her feel comfortable. I do understand it, but it is taken to extremes.”
Protect her? I wonder if it isn’t being done to protect those who use the spaces after Madge.
God only knows where she’s been.

So, Johnny “Bathing Suit Area” Travolta has been keeping a low profile since the dozens and dozens of men have come forward to say that he sexually harassed, groped, or propositioned them at spas all over the world.
But even Travolta has to come out of hiding at some point, eh? And what will he do when he does that? How will he act? What might he say and do?
Well, Johnny and his Scientology-bot wife, Kelly Preston, who knows which side of the bank account to be on, were at the Savages premiere in LA last week and they were giving all sorts of PDA.
You know, cuz people think Travolta’s a big old nympho-mo so he and the missus have to “act” like a loving couple.
Let’s just dissect the shots:

Her lips say "Happy" while her eyes say "Ick."

Smile baby.
And act like you lime it and aren't thinking
about that bottle of Purell in your purse.

Careful Kelly! Your hand is dangerously close
to Johnny's Bathing Suit Area,
AKA The Forbidden Zone

Notice how Kelly is looking at the camera
to make sure they get this "candid" shot?

Of course, the story is that they arrived separately, worked the carpet and their tongues, together, and then left separately.
Yeah, I ain’t fooled.

What does a freak do when he gets fired from one TV show for being an alcoholic, drug-taking, prostitution-buying, knife-wielding, spousal batterer and then gets a new show and needs some press?
Well, if you’re Charlie Sheen, you head back to New York—which was the beginning of his very public meltdown last year—to do a round of press for your new show, the high-lariously entitled Anger Management and you trash your hotel room.
And, as a result, Sheen has ALLEGEDLY been banned from all Ritz Hotel properties, and I’m thinking he’s also been banned from ever eating a Ritz Cracker or even singing Putting On The Ritz.
Maybe they can start calling his TV show The Ritz and he can get banned from there as well?

No Lohan news this week.
I guess she was able to score the good stuff and holed up in a hotel somewhere.
Maybe next week……?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So last week, at the end of our All-Lohan Special, was a small piece about a nightclub brawl between two guys best known for maybe being on the down-low or for boning Rihanna.

Now it looks more like, even though Drake and Chris were at the club, that the fight was actually between their two entourages. Yeah, they sent their posses to fight one another.

An eyewitness—probably Rihanna, after going down on a bouncer in the bathroom—said: “It was a huge fight… Chris and Drake never got in each other’s faces… It was entourage versus entourage, never Drake versus Chris.” 

Apparently, the opposing entourages were the ones really getting physical, and it was some unknown bystander…Rihanna…who threw the bottle at Chris’s face.

And while everyone seems to acknowledge that Drake was annoyed by Chris Brown—and who isn’t annoyed by Chris Brown—he was already out of the club when the two posses starting tussling. In fact, Drake’s mouthpiece says: “Drake did not participate in any wrongdoing of any kind last night at W.i.P. He was on his way out of the club when the altercation began. He did not engage in any activity which resulted in injury to a person or damage to property.”

And Chris Brown’s spokes-tool says Chris’ girlfriend Karrueche Tran and friends “were victims of a brutal attack last night at W.i.P. They sustained several injuries. Chris and his party are cooperating with New York authorities who are pursuing this incident further.”

So, basically it boils down like this: two little boys, both banging the same girl, see each other at a club and send their boys out to brawl.

Yeah, I actually think that’s what happened.

Sad little boys with overactive penises, big egos and access to liquor.

Lindsay Lohan loves her tits. I mean she’s done a Playboy shoot to show off her newly purchased boobies, and she’s romped on the beach in front of cameras as her funbags jiggled and jostled; she’s been photographed in all states of dress and undress with her cleavage on display and she’s even managed to sneak in several boob shots on her sure-to-be-craptatstic Liz & Dick movie.

But Lindsay wants us to think that she’s a good girl, a modest girl, and not some wacked-out-whoops-I-flashed-my-vagina and by-the-way-these-are-my-tits kinda girl.

See, last week I told y’all that Lohan was cast in Bret Easton Elli’s soft-core porn film, The Canyons, but now comes word that Lohan isn’t so sure about the film because, well, she’d have to show her breastages. And she’s too precious to show her ladybits that cost her a fortune.

A source—and you know it’s Dina trying to keep her daughter’s name in the press and not just for being found unconscious in a hotel room—says, “Lindsay and her team are concerned about the nudity that is involved. Lindsay would be required to do full frontal nudity, and the sex scenes are very, very graphic. Yes, Lindsay has posed nude for Playboy, but doing it in a movie is completely different. Lindsay needs to make sure that she is comfortable with it, and that this is something she can handle as an artist…..”

Let’s stop there. “As an artist?” Seriously, if that isn’t the most high-larious thing to call Lindsay Lohan, other than actress, I have yet to hear it. 
Let’s continue…“….. It’s expected that Lindsay will sign the contract in the next two weeks, as filming begins at the beginning of July. Lindsay has admired Bret’s work for a very long time, and one of her favorite movies is Less Than Zero.”

Dina needs to get her story straight. In the same breath that says Lindsay doesn’t want to do it, she says Lindsay is signing on to do it.

Seriously. Paying Lohan to take off her clothes is like paying Oprah to eat a cookie or paying Paris Hilton to smuggle coke in her cooch.

And then we have Nonresponsive Lindsay.

You know, all passed out in a hotel and so paramedics were summoned. And then all her enablers, mother, father, spokes-tool, lawyer, meth dealer, and the guy at the liquor store nearest her house, came out and said she was exhausted because she’d worked 85 hours in four days. Still, let’s be clear. It was the first time she’d actually worked in years, unless you count court dates, jail and rehab as work.

But then, after being found all unconscious and shiz, what did Lindsay do? Take a nap? Ask for time off because she’s such a hard worker?

No, what does Lindsay always do? Party.

Even “exhaustion” can’t keep a party girl down and after her near-death experience on Friday, she was out clubbing on Saturday night, at her usual spot, under the bar at the Chateau Marmont.
And from the looks of her, Lohgan had just come from the "set" because she was still wearing her brunette wig and cat-eye make-up. Chatting with a group of five johns, er, men, Lohan spent the night surrounded by celebs including Pretty Little Liars’ Ashley Benson, Busy Philipps and Haylie Duff…..

Let’s stop there. Celebs? Hardly. Semi-famous, maybe.

An eyewitness at the club—and I think it was Amanda Bynes who may or may not have driven her car into the pool because she was texting—says, “For someone so exhausted, it was shocking to see her out past 1 a.m.”

Not really, I mean, this is Lohan after all.

While countless masseurs, employees, and random men have come forward with tales of being sexually assaulted by John Travolta, it seems like Kelly Preston is gonna take an old country tune to heart and stand by her man. And maybe it’s because her, um, “religion” frowns upon critical thinking or asking questions.

And now comes word that Kelly is considering accepting Oprah Winfrey’s offer for a family reality show on the oh-so-doomed-it’s-hemorrhaging-millions OWN network. And the rumor is that she’s gonna do the show because she thinks it will convince the public that the Travolta's are a happy couple….

Where the husband likes to be groped by men and the wife lives under a rock.

Oprah had wanted some high-profile, Scientology-esque family, but Missus and Missus Tom Cruise turned her down, and Will and Jada are too busy dodging their own divorce rumors to participate, so Third Choice Kelly was asked. And if Kelly has her way, the Travolta’s might just accept the offer.

A source—and again, Dina Lohan—says, “John has a thick skin when it comes to these gay headlines, but Kelly suddenly realized that bringing cameras into their home might be the perfect way to show that she and John are a real husband and wife in a tight-knit, loving family. But while Kelly’s gung ho on the idea, she’s having a hard time convincing John – who’s refusing to have his private family life viewed under a microscope.”

Funny that he doesn’t feel that way about his, um, Swimsuit Area.

Madonna. On tour. Flashing tit and ass.

Desperately Seeking Attention. But, before I get into Madonna, let’s discuss this picture of her on tour. Is it me, or does she look like a piece of skinless chicken? Seriously.

Digression over.

Let’s talk about Madge’s tour rider; those are always good for a laugh. Remember when JLo wanted everything white, from the linens to the candles to the food to the array of men offered to her?

Well, Madonna has gone further. She demands:

20 international phone lines in her hotel room because she makes calls to London, New York, Toronto, Tokyo and Sydney at the same time!

She travels with a 200 person entourage—which does not include the band, the backup dancers, or the crew. These are the people Madge “needs” when she travels: 30 bodyguards, a yoga instructor, personal chefs, plural, an acupuncturist and her own dry-cleaner.

She requires all furniture be removed from the rooms and replaced with her own pieces that she has shipped in.’

She demands that the green room be draped in special fabric that is sent to each location and filled with rare white and pink roses that must have the stems cut at six-inches exactly

She will only eat vegan snacks.

Is this necessary, or is this just another attempt by a fading diva whose last album didn’t sell well to make herself seem relevant?

Just sayin’.

I like Kate Winslet. I think of her as a younger Meryl Streep. But apparently she has pissed off some folks in the gossip world because there are all sorts of stories about Kate being a diva bitch of late.

First she was ALLEGEDLY rude to the locals of a small Massachusetts town where her new movie, Labor Day, is being filmed. Many of the townspeople claim that Winslet was throwing bitchy faces at everybody and that she wouldn’t even deign to wave or smile at any of the hundreds of people who were looking forward to meeting her.

Um, isn’t she working, townspeople? Sheesh. She doesn’t wave so she’s a bitch?

Now, the new story is all about Kate being rude to yet more fans, on a Virgin Atlantic flight to London. It seems that fellow first-class cabin fliers Susan Roberts and her two daughters Katie and Jenny saw Kate sitting just ahead of them and were saddened when she “snubbed” them.

“My two daughters asked for an autograph about half an hour into the six and a half hour flight and she told them she would come back later and visit. Well, that never happened,” Susan says. “It was very sad that she couldn’t be bothered.”

Oh for the love of the goddess. Maybe she forgot. Maybe your two girls aren’t the center of her universe.

And, then Susan further elaborates the snub when she says that a flight attendant came back to tell the girls Kate would autograph a book for them, but that the flight attendant would make the exchange.

“I am sad that she told the girls she’d visit with them. She could have just said she didn’t give autographs and the girls would have understood,” Susan explained. “They would have been disappointed but not disillusioned.”

But then you wouldn’t have gotten your two minutes of fame, and, really, isn’t that better? You and your “girls” get your names in the press because Kate Winslet didn’t come back and visit?

Grow a pair.

As one of my idols, Judge Judy, often says, “If you always tell the truth, you don’t need a good memory.” You know, cuz you don’t have to remember which lie you told, and to whom you told it. Pity then that Lindsay Lohan was probably drunk when Judy said it, because she could use that lesson.

Remember was Lohan was found “non-responsive” in that hotel room? Well, ALLEGEDLY she was passed out from a hard night of partying, because that’s what she did after the paramedics revived her: she partied.

But Lohan Tweeted that she had worked “85 hours in 4 days” and that explains the fact that she could not wake up until a team of medical professionals was dispatched by the producers of her sure-to-be craptastic Lifetime comeback, Liz & Dick.

Well, a little investigating into Hollywood unions shows that the average work week consists of 70-75 hours spread out over five or six days, and because Lindsay lied about how much she works and how hard she works, lots of folks on her new movie are just dashing to the tabloids with stories of La Lohan.

Word from the set is that Lohan doesn’t like her ‘Dick,’ actor Grant Bowler. Some say it’s because she thinks he’s beneath her, in her head, A-list status, and that Lifetime should have hired Gerard Butler or Robert Downey Jr. So, she takes out her delusions on Grant.

And he’s probably counting the days until the shoot is over or until she passes out again, just so he can take a breath.

And the crew doesn’t like her any more than her co-star.

A source—and, well, it’s probably Grant Bowler getting even—says, “The crew is fed up with Lindsay because they have to spend so much time dealing with her diva antics and, in turn, trying to soothe Grant’s battered ego.”

And it goes on: “Most days she shows up two hours late and she rarely knows her lines. A production assistant has to feed them to her. She’s completely unfocused and she keeps running over to the director, but he doesn’t have a clue how to handle her. The footage so far has been just awful.”

Of course it has. You can’t slap a brunette wig on a cracktress and call her Liz Taylor. If that's all it takes, i could'a played Liz and I would'a been on time and not have crashed a car.

And producer, Larry Thompson, has his own issues with Lohan: “He had a hell of a time obtaining insurance for the shoot and is on tenderhooks every day that something is going to happen to Lindsay. If that’s the case, they’ll have to shut down the production!”

Thompson was forced to buy high-priced insurance for Lohan since she is a Five-time rehab star, and, well, it must have come in handy when she slammed her rented Porsche into the back of a truck two weeks back.

That accident is being investigated and could lead to her probation being revoked: “If the judge rules that she violated her parole and sends her to jail, Lifetime is looking at a $5 to $6 million washout.”

Five million for a Lohan craptastic movie. Thompson should’a dropped about 4 zeroes from that price.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.......

I love it when two great actors unite in marriage, and two of my favorite greatest actors are John Travolta and his "wife" Kelly Preston.

I mean, c'mon, Travolta plays the role of heterosexual husband day in and day out, and Kelly plays the unsuspecting wife constantly. It's brilliant.
Case in point: One night the Travoltas were out to dinner, and their waiter was one extremely hot young man. John ALLEGEDLY was so enamored of the hot server that he openly flirted with the young man while Kelly kept her head down, and fiddled with her dinner.
Now, to be fair, this story comes to us from that bastion of journalistic integrity, The National Enquirer, but, let us remember, they broke the John Edwards Cheating Douchebag story.
Anyway, meanwhile back at Hot Waiter Restaurant, when Johnny discovered the Hot Young Man was trying to make it in Hollywood--sidenote: Wow! A waiter in Hollywood who wants to be an actor? Who knew?--Travolta instantly turned on all his acting charms.
A source--and by source I mean another Hot Young Waiter Who Also Wants To Act But Didn't Get The Travolta Table--says, “When John learned his studly server was an aspiring actor, he asked what projects he’d worked on, who represented him, etc. – and then flashed that award-winning smile and asked, ‘Could you give me your phone number? I might be able to help you out’. The waiter told me it really bothered him that Kelly never even looked up at him — not once!”
Never.Looked.Up.Once.
Somebody give that woman the damned Oscar already!

Well, wonders may never cease.
It seems that Charlie Sheen's home rehab might actually be working, as the Party Boy, well, Old Party Boy, passed two drug tests since he began his in-home rehab.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that for every week he stays out of work he loses a couple of million dollars. I mean, think how much coke and how many whores that could buy!
A source--and by source I mean coke-whore on Charlie's payroll--says, "He is at home now, and those close to him are trying to get him to enter a facility. But he doesn't think he has a problem."
And it seems as if Coke Whore Source might be right. Sheen actually gave an anti-drug speech last week to the UCLA baseball team and got a standing ovation. His advice? "Stay off the crack. Drink a chocolate milk."
Oh yeah, he's recovering.

And, as evidence of his, ahem, recovery, we have Charlie Sheen's recent call into 'The Dan Patrick Show' where he gave an eight-minute interview to set the record straight about his Two and a Half Men hiatus and various reports surrounding his tumultuous life. Sheen started off by thanking his parents....Oh? he didn't? Well, certainly he thanked his team of ex-wives? No? Not them either? So, who exactly did Charlie Sheen thank for making him see the like at the end of the coke spoon?

Charlie Sheen: "People need to understand how supremely grateful I am that someone stepped in here. I don't want to say who, but you know, basically, Viacom showed up at my house and said, 'Dude, it's getting really obvious, and we're really worried about you. We don't give a rat's tooey about the show, we care about your health.' So, they came in and just man to man and said, 'We have to shut it down.'"
God Bless Viacom!
But then Crazy Charlie came out, and he asked Patrick to notify him if Lindsay Lohan was ever secured as a guest for the show. "I've got some things I'd recommend she'd consider....Work on your impulse control. Just try to think things through a little bit before you do 'em."
Wow, how to get sober advice from Charlie Sheen! i mean, it's worked for him, he's been sob er for.....hold on, let me look at my watch. About thirty minutes.
I think his advice was just Charlie Code for: Come party with me!


Miley Cyrus AKA Lindsay Lohan 2.0, is ALLEGEDLY furious that her mullet-wearing-country-music- singin' daddy, Billy Ray, did an interview with GQ and bashed the Disney show, Anna Dakota....Sammy Wyoming....Hannah Montana!...that made both of them mega-rich.

She was also peeved that Daddy Billy said he was "scared" for his daughter's well-being.
Miley Lohan, or Lindsay Cyrus, take your pick, has spouted off, saying she wants Daddy Billy to STFU and stop acting like that other infamous stage dad.
A friend of the Disney star--and by friend I mean dealer and pimp--says, "To say Miley is angry is an understatement. She's furious that her own flesh and blood would make a private matter so public. Who does he think he is, Michael Lohan?"
Now, it does seem odd that Daddy Billy is bashing the show, when he co-starred on the show that helped to semi-revive his achy-breaky career. And, well, to piss of your daughter, who could buy and sell you 100 times over is also silly.
But, it's sad that Miley Cyrus is turning into the new Lindsay Lohan when the old Lindsay Lohan is still doing such a bang-up job.

Don't you just love "reality" TV?
I mean, you go on one of those MTV shows, The Jersey Hills, or somesuch nonsense, and make a name for yourself as the "reality" douchebag, and then place the blame for all your troubles on that show, while you go on another reality show.

That's what one Jason Wahler, star of something called Laguna Shores, or The Hills Have Douchebags, is doing. Wahler says his life quickly turned from one of fame on the small screen to one fueled by a dangerous substance addiction.
And he blames the show.
He ALLEGEDLY became an alcoholic at age eighteen, shortly after his first Reality Bites took off, saying, "I would drink anywhere from five to 20 vodka drinks a night. I couldn't stop."
He didn't even stop after seven.......SEVEN.....trips to rehab and numerous alcohol-related arrests: "Rock bottom was when I saw what my addiction was doing to my family. I just didn't want it anymore."
So, what does a reality show whore do to get sober? Move away and enter a private rehab? Stop associating with the friends and lifestyle that feed your addiction?
Nope. You head straight to another reality show, Celebrity Rehab.
Smart.


More news about the Big O.
And it ain't pretty.
Haitian filmmaker Reginald Chevalier claims he had a four month live-in relationship with the talk shOw hOst in the early 1980's, but that it ended abruptly after he returned to their Chicago condo to find the locks had been changed.

And Steadman was the new beard.
Chevalier says: "When I returned to the Water Tower condo, my key wouldn't work. The concierge informed me that the locks had been changed. Oprah had left a box for me filled with all my belongings. On a yellow envelope she had written: 'Sorry, things aren't working between us. Oprah Winfrey.' That was it. No phone call. No good-bye. Nothing. She was as cold as ice."
She signed it Oprah Winfrey? Did she think maybe he was boinking another Oprah in the same building? And how did he snag a relationship with the budding, and blubbering, tycoon?
It seems he was invited onto the show as a Billy Dee Williams-lookalike on a segment about celebrity look-alikes. And maybe Oprah, who has long wanted to be Diana Ross, wanted her own Billy Dee doppelganger.
Oh, O.
I knew you was cold!