It's Snarkurday!

Last week Andy Cohen was cornered by a paparazzi who asked about Kathy Griffin’s newfound loathing of former BFF Anderson Cooper because he found her ugly display of _____’s bloody head childish and stupid and so now she hates him. But Cohen got the laugh because, when he was asked if he’d spoken to Kathy Griffin about her now lost New Year’s Eve gig, he served up some shade by saying:

“Who?”

Griffin, who recently called her ex-bestie a “spineless heiress” then went after Cohen on Twitter and the people who couldn’t believe Cohen said anything:

“Even when it's on tape, there are doubters? He is NOT kidding w paps. Was my boss for 10 years. Treated me like a dog. Deeply misogynistic”

Seriously. Kathy Griffin is supposed to be a comic who dishes and dogs and badmouths anyone, but she can clearly not handle the heat. Sit down, D-lister.

But, and I love this, Andy Cohen responded to Griffin’s next tirade that he is a coke monster by taking the high ground, right after taking the low road and calling Griffin a “bag of bull sh*t”:

“All I have to say about the mishegas of this weekend, and I only have one thing to say about this bag of bulls—t … it’s so funny, because I was ... standing there all that time waiting for the elevator, and that’s why it kept going on and on — and I didn’t really know how to pivot in the conversation. Like, ‘What, what, I don’t know!’ So I failed my Mariah impression. “So I didn’t land that ‘I don’t know her,’ but can I ask you a question? If you were a comedian and someone said, ‘I don’t know you,’ and it was obvious, like, aren’t there much more important things? How offensive is that in the galaxy?”

It’s offensive to a D-lister trying to stay afloat because it keeps her name in the media.

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Well, it’s been four loooong weeks since Kim Cattrall announced she was saving the world from a second bad sequel to Sex and the City and while most members of the cast were, at first, pissed about losing that paycheck, they’ve mostly moved on ... except Kristin Davis.

After hosting the 2017 Princess Grace Awards Gala last week and having E! News ask about the end of SATC, Kristin took to Instagram to write all about it:

“I’m just grateful. I know my co-stars are grateful as well that we have the fan support, that we have each other, that we love each other. We still…maybe we’ll figure out something to do, I don’t know, it would be great.”

Seriously, Kristin? Stop already, it’s a dead horse in Manolos and no one wants to see that. You’d be better off trying to score a Lifetime reboot of Melrose Place.

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Go figure ... the Queen of Burlesque, Dita Von Teese, was banned by the Bishop of New York from performing at Bette Midler’s Hulaween Gala last weekend.

Midler had invited Von Teese to perform at the party, which took place at The Cathedral Church of Saint John the Divine, but The Right Reverend Andrew M L Dietsche, the Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of New York, was not pleased at all and ordered that Von Teese not be allowed to perform inside his Cathedral Church.

The website says it’s a “house of prayer for all people and a unifying center of intellectual light and leadership” but it’s also an event space which can be rented for events ... that don’t offend priests; Priests? Really? I bet a good many of them are dressed like Von Teese under their robes.

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Well, once hot actor, 62-year-old actor Christopher McDonald was arrested in Lake Arrowhead recently after he drove his silver Porsche off the highway, crashed into a gas meter at a supermarket, and ended up in an embankment.  And when police arrived, a witness claimed McDonald informed them he was in Happy Gilmore.

Yes, he was so drunk he thought if he name-dropped a crappy movie he’d be let go, and maybe it worked ... police took him to a nearby jail, where he slept it off and was released without bail.

Keep that in mind if you run off the road while drunk ... Happy Gilmore may get you off.

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Tyrese was performing in concert recently and decided to dedicate a song to his 10-year-old daughter Shayla.

Clearly, he opted for the musical love note to his daughter because right now he and his ex-wife, Norma Gibson, are fighting over custody of Shayla. Norma has a temporary restraining order for herself and Shayla against Tyrese, but a judge granted Tyrese a 6-hour court-monitored visit with his daughter.

I’m thinking, though, that when the judge gets wind of his love song to his daughter, he might wanna rethink the visitation, because the song Tyrese chose to bond with his child was Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On.

Apparently he’s taken a page from the Woody Allen book on fatherhood?

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This is rich ... last week Real Housewives of New Jersey’s table-flipping-convicted-felon-ex-con Teresa Giudice took part in a Real Housewives panel discussion—yes, that’s a real thing ... for morons with nothing better to do—and took a shot at Modern Family actress Sofia Vergara.

Teresa told a story ... emphasis on “story” ... about how she took a photo with Sofia at an event, and Sofia stepped in front of her ... a Real Housewife ... to “steal the spotlight.” And since felons rarely forget the sins, real and mostly imagined, committed against them, Teresa hasn’t forgotten ... and says Sofia complained about having to pose with Teresa. Hell, I’d complain to anyone and everyone if it was suggested I share the spotlight with Teresa Giudice:

“We’re in the green room and my publicist from Bravo was like, ‘You’re going to run into Sofia so you’re going to take pictures together.’ ‘Alright, that’s fine.’ I never ask for a picture because I’m so not like that. I don’t care. She didn’t want to take a picture. And I was just like… ‘I didn’t even do anything.’ And I was so mad at myself because I was like, ‘Bitch, I don’t even want to take a picture with you!’”

Says a media whore who sold herself and her husband’s criminal activity for a few coins from Bravo.

Afterward, Giudice’s makeup artist Priscilla DiStasio—most often seen putting lipstick on the pig—says she overheard Vergara ALLEGEDLY say “Why’d you make me take a picture with that woman?”

And, naturally, it got Teresa Two-Head—I mean  that clearly isn’t a forehead up there—to just go off, about Sofia being an immigrant and so she should treat people better:

“I was disappointed and hurt in the way she treated me ... I found it to be very rude and condescending given the fact that I had just met her, and I wasn’t the one asking for the photo. I figured that because we both shared very humble upbringings with families that emigrated to this country, she would have had more humility. I can’t stand her, sorry. I hate to say that, because I’m Italian, she’s Colombian. She has an accent, she has more of an accent than me. You would think that she would be nice—she’s an immigrant!”

Don’t you love it when a media-whoring-reality-hag who spent a year in prison for dozens of counts of bank, mail, wire, and bankruptcy fraud takes the moral high ground and tries to give etiquette lessons to immigrants?

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Kellan Lutz, of Twilight fame[?], recently gave an interview and discussed why he will not appear nude on film. Clearly, as you can see, Kellan has quite the, um, body of for work, but you won’t see him nekkid on the big screen ... and he’s blaming it on the fiancee:

“God gave me this body. He gave me the genetics. He gave me the ability to work out. He gave me the drive to do what I do, so I’m going to do it until he takes me out of it. And I also have boundaries for myself and my fiancée. I have dated actresses. Seeing them making out with other guys or sex scenes, it kills my heart. And if that makes you a brilliant actor and win awards—I don’t want awards.”

Well, I’m thinking he won’t ever have to worry about that but Kellan goes on to say that he is so adamant about not winning awards, he had his agent put it in his contract:

“I have a nudity clause. I just don’t think nudity needs to happen. For me, I don’t need to walk out of a shower showing my ass.”

Oh, Kellan, you’re not Daniel Day Lewis, who would probably go nude if the script called for it, and you do have a beautiful body, and. maybe, just maybe, you could have had Channing Tatum’s career if you bared your bum; I mean, it hasn’t hurt him, has it?

And seriously, since the first credit that pops up when your name appears in an article is a film franchise that ended in 2011, you might wanna reconsider.

If only for my sake?

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It's Snarkurday!

I smell trouble brewing on keeping Up With The Kardastrophes and all of it over that name.

See, last May Rob Kardastrophe’s Baby Mama and Future Bride and Future Ex-Wife, Blac Chyna filed papers to trademark the name “Angela Renee Kardashian” and the Girl K’s Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney are not happy.

So the Three K’s—cuz KKK sounds bad, you know—filed  papers objecting to the trademark. Between this and the divorce that most think is in Kim’s future, now would be the time to become part of her legal team; I see coins in their future.

Anyway, the Three K’s say that seeing the name Angela Kardastrophe would be damaging to their brand and would cause “irreparable injury” to their reputation. They also accuse Chyna of “deliberately seeking to profit from the goodwill and popularity” of the Kardastrophe name.

Um, Three K’s, if Chyna marries your brother her new name will be Kardastrophe and no little lawsuit, or foot-stomping by three reality show “stars” can stop it.

Pick your battles. Kim? You’ve got a madman for a husband. Khloe? You’re just a mess. Kourtney? Rumor has it you’ve taken your alcoholic cheating  Baby Daddy back. Yeah, you don’t have time to fight Angela Kardastrophe so build a bridge and get over it.

One of the strangest stories last year was the Embryo Lawsuit between Nick Loeb and his ex-fiancée Sofia Vergara.

Sofia and Nick were together for years, and at one point, planned to have a child together via surrogacy. Nick’s sperm fertilized Sofia’s eggs in a lab, and two separate implantations were attempted, and neither stuck.  Then Nick and Sofia broke up and she married Joe Manganiello, but they still had some embryos in the freezer. Nick then sued Sofia for “custody” of the embryos because he wanted to implant them in another surrogate and raise the child by himself. Sofia maintained that the embryos belonged to both her and Nick, and until they could agree, the embryos would stay in the freezer.

Loeb’s lawsuit was filed in California, and there are still motions and judgments and filings, but now, as if possible, it’s gotten crazier.

The embryos are suing Sofia. Oh but they are; an anti-choice group is suing Vergara on behalf of the embryos, which they have named Emma and Isabella.  The main thrust of Loeb, and the anti0-choice group’s, argument is that by refusing to implant the two embryos, Sofia is “killing” them.

Except they’re frozen and can remain so indefinitely; she didn’t day trash ‘em, she said keep ‘em cool for now.

Seriously., people, lawsuits like this are what really pisses off Judge Judy.

Meanwhile back at KK ... despite her vow to nurse her lunatic husband, Kanye, back to health, there are rumors that West and Kim Kardastrophe are living apart since he left the hospital.

That Woman is spinning it that Kim is “overwhelmed” and concerned about Kanye’s relationship with their two children. A source close to the family—and you don’t get closer than inside the family—says Kanye is living apart from his family and continuing treatment for undisclosed mental health issues.

Man, how can Kanye get his act together when he’s surrounded by a Koven of Famewhores hoping to cash in on his troubles?

I kid, because we all know Kanye will spin this into a new album, a new tour, and thousands of new onstage rants.

Anderson Cooper has been with his boyfriend Benjamin Maisani for about seven years now, but prior to that, whilst playing the field, Cooper had a set of dating rules.

Now, according to Cooper, he and BFF Andy Cohen might have become a couple,. Until Andy broke one of the rules before their first date.

It seems that when Randy Andy Cooper and BFF Kelly Ripa—also Cohen’s BFF—sat down with Cohen on Watch What Happens Live, Cooper talked a lot about his love life—including his failed romance with Cohen himself.

Cooper says the two men were once set up on a blind date, but Cooper decided he wasn’t interested in Cohen before it even went down:

“Andy and I were first set up on a blind date, which never happened because we had a phone call and after two minutes I said, ‘I’m not dating this guy.’ He broke my cardinal rule… he mentioned my mom within the first four sentences of meeting me.”

Well, I bet Cohen was trying to get Gloria Vanderbilt for an episode of RHoNY and Cooper wasn’t playing. Plus, Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen? I mean, they’d make a good couple because they wouldn’t have to get new monogrammed towels, but other than that ... ick.

Cooper can do so much better ... and did. Benjamin Maisani is hot.

So, Luke Bryan, country singer. He’s kinda cute, but also kinda hot-headed.

Apparently at a recent concert, a guy was standing in the front row and ALLEGEDLY acting like a d-bag. He ALLEGEDLY GAVE Luke the finger, and not the good one, and Luke came off-stage and, holding the mic in his hand, smacked the guy in the side of the head.

But this isn’t the first time fans at Bryan’s shows have offended the singer; apparently it’s a “thing.” One night a fan waved a sign that read:

“We can see your camel toe.”

Apparently Luke likes his jeans tight.

But now his team is spinning the bashing by saying the man who got mic dropped was being rude to Luke, and to military veterans for whom the concert was raising money:

“A man in [the] front row was making crude hand gestures toward Luke during his performance. It was insulting not only to him, but more importantly to the men, women and families sitting around him who were there to support and celebrate Charlie Daniels and the efforts of raising money for the military veterans – some of who were in the audience. The concert security personnel saw the man’s disruptive actions of the event and he was escorted out.”

Yeah, that only sounds like the man was being a dick to Luke and not any of the vets so, yeah, Luke has a temper and likes to do the smackdown.

Maybe his jeans are too tight.

This is funny ... Paris Hilton has crawled out from somewhere to tell us that she was just acting dumb all these years and she’s really really really really really smart, y’all.

With 17 product lines and 70 overseas stores, Hilton has built an empire, of sorts, and wants everyone to recognize it:

“I am a very hardworking businesswoman and entrepreneur, and that’s what I want to be known as now.”

Sorry, Paris, you’ll always be that dim-bulb blonde from a  reality show who strutted around in nighties and negligees and said “That’s hot.”

Emmy Detritus ... The Fashion ... And Hottie McHot Jon Hamm

THE BEST

Viola Davis ... she could do no wrong, taking home an Emmy, giving a gorgeous speech, and looking this fabulous.

THE GOOD

Jamie lee Curtis, proving you don't have to be nipped and tucked and dyed and rail thin to be beautiful in Hollywood.

Taraji P. Henson. It was hothothot on Emmy night and Cookie looked so cool ... and so hot.

THE M'KAY

Kerry Washington always takes a fashion risk and, while I like this metal dress, I cannot help but think it's looks like a Tin Man version of Carol Burnett's 'Eunice' dress.

Sofia Vergara. The epitome of 'Meh' because this is the same basic dress she always wears, albeit in a different fabric.

THE MEH

Claire Danes. I actually like the dress and I like the chains and I love the color, but I don't like the President of the PTA hair.

Lady Gaga. I.Expected.More.

THE BAD

Christina Hendricks. I like that she;'s a proud curvy woman,and she's beautiful, but the curves on this dress do her no justice at all. It's mad, men.

January Jones. The color is hideous and the billowy fabric on the legs makes her seem lopsided when the wind blows like she has one gargantuan gam and one pencil thin stick.

THE AWFUL

Joanna Newsom ... Andy Samberg's wife. I can't help but thinking, "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, what did you think of the play?"

Kiernan Shipka. A lampshade on stilts.

THE WORST

Heidi Klum in what looks like  a mashup of Big Bird, brothel madam autumn leaves and way gay chain male. I seriously thought this was a joke ... and it is.

HOTTEST MAN

Jon Hamm finally won his Emmy and he looked hot and sexy while doing it. Man, oh, man, that man can rock a suit.

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It's Snarkurday!

It was just a few months ago that Sofia Vergara and Reese Witherspoon were everywhere promoting their new movie, Hot Pursuit, and touting their amazing new friendship.

Cut to six weeks later, and the flop that was Hot Pursuit, and now Reese and Sofia cannot stand one another, and each blames the other for the movie disaster.

Reese blames Sofia’s accent and ‘irritating laugh,’ while Sofia blames Reese for not being sexy or funny enough.

I blame the studio that figured they could just reboot some buddy comedy and slip in the Stars-of-the-Moment and people would just flock to it. Howsabout starting with a good idea first, and go from there?

Now, what’s kinda funny about the Reese-Sofia feud is that Joe Toth, who happens to be Reese’s husband, is the agent for both women.

Man, who wants to be Jim Toth right about now?

And who wants to be fired Real Housewives of Beverly Hills “star” Brandi Glanville right about now either?

Her “reality show career” has tanked, and even she can’t remember if she was fired or if she walked away from the show.  Clearly she was fired — she was not asked back for next season — but she insists she quit … though she forgot that when writing a column for an Australian tabloid NW magazine and saying this:

“This week has been crazy! I talked to Yolanda Foster and Kim Richards. Lisa Vanderpump actually emailed me. She was like the first to email after I got fired, which was very weird. I was shocked, it was very unexpected. Everything with her is a plan – everything is very strategic. I feel like she did it so I’d tell people that she did it.”

Oops. Fired; then Brandi, who may have been tequila’s when she wrote that, contradicts herself again by saying RHoBH wanted her back part-time but she declined because she has “other plans.”

And she doesn’t say what those “other plans” are, but I’m guessing it’s to start another TwitFight with LeAnn Rimes … or be photographed falling out of her dress somewhere.

My my my. Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson has been ordered to pay Lastonia Leviston some $5 million for posting her private sex video online as part of his little boy beef with Rick Ross. And Jackson may have to appear in court next week with his net worth statement in hand so the jury can decide on additional, punitive damages.

The jury found that Lastonia Leviston, Ross’ baby mama, suffered “severe emotional distress” when Fiddy narrated that sex tape in which he called her a “slut” and “mother**king porn star.” In addition, the jury says that Fiddy — how is that a name for a grown-ass man? — profited off the posting that was linked to his website ThisIs50.com.

The video is from 2009, and was made when  Leviston was dating Maurice Murray, who sold the tape to Fiddy after he and Leviston broke up.

So, now, in addition to the % million in damages, the jury will get to decide how much of Fiddy’s ALLEGED half-billion dollar fortune they’ll take away from him.

Ow … though there’s more to come on this one.

Thank goddess for Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean, without her we wouldn’t know which gluten-free foods to eat … we wouldn’t know that we needed a five-hundred plain white t-shit in our wardrobe … we wouldn’t know how to act morally superior to peons.

And now we wouldn’t know how to yawn. Yup. GOOP is telling us how to yawn in a new piece on her site called, Why Yawning Is Important – and How to Optimize the Reflex.

It goes like this, y’all:

YAWN #1

Gently tilt your head back to a comfortable position and allow your mouth to hang open widely while you gently extend into it.

Contract the back of the throat as if to perform Ujjayi breathing—a whispery breath—which is typically done through your nose with your mouth closed.

Breathe deeply through your mouth so you feel the air hit the back of your throat.Inhale and exhale completely while allowing your shoulders to relax as you exhale.

When the yawn comes, reach and extend into it, riding the yawn to stretch the jaw muscles.

Repeat 8-10 times until tearing starts. As your jaw muscles stretch and relax, and the yawn expands, the lacrimal glands around the eye are squeezed and tearing is induced.

YAWN #2

Continue with steps 1-4 above, and when the yawn comes, bring together only the lips. Keep the teeth slightly separated. Creating this shape with your mouth as you yawn will take out more slack in the throat muscles to bring the lengthening and relaxation around the base of the tongue, and further stretch and relax the neck, jaw, and occipital regions.

Repeat 8-10 times until you begin to tear.

Next up we learn the proper way to smirk at those less fortunate than us, and how to properly  sniff in disgust when a waiter comes over to speak with us.

Don’t thank me, thank GOOP.

Jesse Eisenberg was at Comic-Con last week and compared the event to genocide.

Yes, to Jesse Eisenberg, being featured at an event where your fans can come celebrate you, and perhaps meet you, as you promote your latest film, hoping they’ll see it and you’ll make millions, is just like the deliberate killing of a large group of people, especially those of a particular ethnic group or nation.

I wonder is those six million Jews who were slaughtered in WWII would want to trade places with Eisenberg … if they were still alive today.

Asshat.

Back to Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson.

On the heels of that $5 million verdict against him, Jackson instantly left the courtroom, walked down the hall to bankruptcy court, and filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Not a good year, for Fiddy, who  recently lost another court case — involving the theft of a headphone design — for $17.2 million.

But Fiddy explains it like this:

“I’m taking the precautions that any other good businessperson would take in this situation. You know when you’re successful and stuff, you become a target. I don’t wanna be a bullseye. I don’t want anybody to pick me as the guy that they just come to with astronomical claims and go through all that.”

A target for punitive damages after you’ve been found guilty of posting a private sex tape on line because you’re pissy with someone.

My.Heart.Bleeds.

No one really knows why, or how, but former Friends star Matt LeBlanc’s father, Paul LeBlanc, gave an exclusive interview to Star & OK magazines and really dished the dirt.

Like how Matt didn’t really care for co-stars Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer:

“Matt always said Matthew Perry is an a**hole. He wanted to pound on him a couple of times. [And] David Schwimmer was kind of dry, a bit too serious.”

But apparently LeBlanc thought Lisa Kudrow was just fine, though Daddy has some choice words for his own son:

“He was as good looking as anyone in Hollywood. But he isn’t going to age well. It’s the high life – I’ll see him with his gut hanging over his belt. He’s not someone who keeps himself toned when he’s not in front of the cameras.”

But the biggest shocker of Daddy LeBlanc’s talk was the thought that maybe Jennifer Aniston and Matt LeBlanc fooled around together while Aniston was married to Brad Pitt?

“He even had a relationship with one of the girls… Jen. They would make out in the dressing rooms. He told me about it. It was when she was married to Brad Pitt….Matt goes after dirt bags.”

Ouch. I don’t know which is worse, calling Jen out for ALLEGEDING cheating on Brad

— possibly long before La Jolie met Pitt, or calling Jen a ‘dirt bag.’

Naturally, Aniston’s people are circling the wagons:

“Jennifer has never had a romantic or sexual relationship with Matt LeBlanc…Jennifer is being victimized by his fabrications.” 

Oh, there it is … Jennifer Aniston is a victim again. First La Jolie victimized her and now Matt LeBlanc’s daddy is to blame.

Still, it kinda makes sense that Jen would play the Poor Me card if she was the one who cheated first and wanted to save her image as America’s Sweetheart.

So, remember when Johnny Depp and his wife, Amber Heard, smuggled their dogs into Australia, where Depp was filming the 47th sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean?

And the government ordered the dogs — the actual pets, not Depp and Heard, out of the country — which caused Amber to whine about how Australian authorities were just looking for their “fifteen minutes of fame.”

Pot.Kettle.Black.

Well, now it appears Amber Heard, has been charged with illegally smuggling the dogs into Australia, and was issued a summons to appear in a Queensland court in September. She faces a fine of up to $200,000 or up to 10 years in prison.

I vote prison.

Just sayin’.

Let’s end with funny …

So, Big Bang Theory star Jim Parsons has been playing God … on Broadway … in a new play, An Act of God, and apparently God and Parsons don’t like it when people show up late.

It seems that  Parsons spotted a woman making her way to her orchestra seat some 15 minutes after a matinee began, and he said to her:

“A little late, aren’t you?”

When the audience burst out laughing, he added:

“You’re lucky I’m God and not Patti LuPone!”

You’ll remember that last week LuPone made headlines when she snatched a phone out of an audience member’s hand after the woman had been texting throughout the show, but what’s really eerie, and kind of like Is Jim Parsons Really God, is that the Patti LuPone incident happened later that night after Jim made that comment.

Now, he might have been referencing the 2009 incident where La LuPone stopped her performance in Gypsy because an audience member was taking pictures from her seat.

Or Is Jim Parsons Really God?