It's Snarkurday!

Oh Paltrow ... really? Rumor has it that Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to make GOOP appeal to, um, well, those of us who can’t afford a $2,000 t-shirt; those of us who live in what Paltrow once politely termed “flyover” states—as in states you’d never visit unless there was an emergency landing; those of us she considers “peasants.”

And so, if you aren’t into letting Stanley Steamer clean your hoo-haw, and you aren’t into Barefoot In The Dirt therapy, er, um, Earthing, she is now trying to make fast-food the In Thing.

If you go to Dairy Queen GOOP recommends the “50-calorie fudge bar” and not much else. Chipotle? GOOP says have a bowl, with some brown rice, or “if you’re hungry. Load up on the veggies, skip the dairy, add black beans, and you’re good to go.”

At Wendy’s you can eat “Power Mediterranean Chicken Salad” with no hummus, or, if having a burger—and the Shamers will come for you—at least switch the fries out for a baked potato ... with no sour cream EVER!!!! And try the veggie-heavy sandwich at Subway ... but don’t eat the bread! Throw it away!

Look, here’s the deal, Gwyneth Paltrow is a spoiled self-entitled rich bitch who thinks she knows what’s best for everyone ... at least everyone with a substantial bank account. She did not go to any one of these places and try the food; she no doubt had testers that were ordered to try the food but don’t swallow ... if you want to keep you job.

Paltrow and Fast Food is like _____ and the Truth; they have never met.

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That Woman is on a rampage to restore her crap-fest “reality” show to its former glory now that the ratings are in freefall. But what can she do? Kim cannot get robbed again? Kanye cannot get any crazier? Should the drunken ex-husband come back into the fold? Should one of the younger ones get pregnant? What does a FameWhoring Mother do when her children don’t make sex tapes she can sell?

She turns to her newest trainwreck, Rob and Blac Chyna, and tries to get them back together if only for the sake of the show; let ‘em crash and burn for ratings like a normal family.

And, in order to do that, That Woman is hurling some coins at Blac Chyna ... and since Chyna is used to having coins tossed her way, or dollar bills slipped into her g-string, she’s on-board.

See, now that the KUWTK ratings are down, That Woman needs ... neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds ... Rob and Chyna’s show, Rob & Chyna, to be the hit she so desperately craves because, you know, she doesn’t have a job other than whoring out her kids; so she offered to cut Chyna a child support check.

Oh, not to support the child she had with Rob; no, silly, these coins are for the child Chyna had with Rob’s sister’s ex-boyfriend, Tyga, who, for some reason, cannot afford child support. And That Woman will cut the checks only as long as Chyna stays with Rob and works on their show.

Gosh, with Mother’s Day coming up, I now know who should get top honors ...

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Janet Jackson has always been secretive about her life; she even got married, and divorced, twice, with nary a word about it. Then, earlier this year, she announced she was with child, had the baby at fifty and then divorced her billionaire husband, Wissam Al Mana.

There were some who thought Janet waited to have that baby knowing that her coins from the prenup would double if she had a child, but that might not be true ... except it is. And so now Wissam is coming out to dish about the Missus.

Wissam went to his website, because that’s what one does, to give some snark about Janet in the form a few cryptic passages from the Quran:

“You shall most certainly be tried in your possessions and in your persons; and indeed you shall hear many hurtful things from those to whom revelation was granted before your time, as well as from those who have come to ascribe divinity to other beings beside Allah. But if you remain patient in adversity and conscious of Him—this, behold, is something to set one’s heart upon.”

Sounds like Wissam is coming for Janet.

Where is my bucket of popcorn?

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Apparently being the daughter of a multimillionaire media tycoon isn’t enough to save you from financial dire straits.

Tori Spelling.

It appears that the IRS—tired of waiting for a check—has emptied the bank accounts of Spelling and her adulterer husband Dean Something-Or-Other.

Last July, it was reported that the couple—who had their fifth child in March—were slammed with a federal tax lien for $707,487.30 in unpaid federal taxes for 2014. And then Something-Or-Other’s—quick Google search reveals the deadbeats last name is McDermott—ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, threatened him with jail over unpaid child support and Dean sobbed to the court that he and the Missus have, ahem, “fallen on hard times.”

And that might be true, because in November 2016, the couple was sued by American Express over an unpaid credit-card balance of $87,595.55; AMEX sued them earlier in year over a $37,981.97 bill.

So what do Tori and Dean do? Well, their tried to turn their lives, and this fifth child, the Band-Aid baby they created in the hopes of salvaging their marriage and their bank accounts, into a reality show but, yeah, no one is buying.

Perhaps when she goes to jail she can turn that into a show? Tori and Dean In The Big House While Their Children Live With Nana?

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Mel B’s huge bust-up with ex-husband Stephen Belafonte was ALLEGEDLY sparked by his accusation that she had slept with ... get ready to huuuuurl ...Simon Cowell.

And that’s what started the fight that ended their marriage because, after Belafonte made those allegations, as Mel prepared for the talent show’s final in December 2014, she ended up missing the first night of the two-parter due to an ALLEGED drug overdose. But she was back the next night—with bruises on her face and arms—and hiding the fact that she had been accused of having an affair with Cowell.

But it wasn’t just Cowell, Belafonte was jealous of, it was also fellow judge Cheryl Cole; Belafonte ALLEGEDLY lost his temper backstage after Mel playfully grabbed Cheryl’s rear-end and walked into her dressing room wearing next to nothing. Mel subsequently filed for divorce from Belafonte and won a restraining order against him.

I’ve a feeling it’s only going to get uglier, but can it get uglier than someone thinking you’re cheating with Simon Man-Boobs Cowell?

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Poor Tommy Mottola; he was married for a short time to  über diva Mariah Carey, and he probably thought that was insane. But his current wife, Mexican superstar Thalia, is ALLEGEDLY giving Carey a run for the title.

Thalia is being sued over a 20-year deal with EDF Brands to license products in her native country after the company accused her of skipping promotional duties and charged them $120,000 for travel, which is way beyond the bounds of their contract.

For a two-day trip for a product launch, Thalia ALLEGEDLY demanded a private plane from New York to Mexico City for $65,000, hotel rooms for $15,000, security for $25,000, hair and makeup for $6,000 and a stylist for $10,000.

However, unlike Carey, she didn’t ask for money to have someone carry her through the hotel lobby like a giant stripper rag-doll, so, yeah, there’s that.

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On Tuesday we learned that basketball player, and, well, player, Carmelo and La La Anthony’s marriage of seven years is over because, ALLEGEDLY, Carmelo got a stripper pregnant and, funny thing, a lot of wives don’t like that.

And so, even though the couple signed a prenup, get ready for Cash Battles when the pair files for divorce. He has a $124 million contract with the Knicks and has earned more than $200 million during his career; he also has contracts with Nike Jordan and Foot Locker.

Now, that’s some bank, right there and even though the couple has a prenup, rumor has it that, like most premarital contracts, there’s a cheating clause and so this pregnant stripper business could mean a big pay out for La La if she decides to challenge the prenup.

I see a lot of extra zeros on the check Carmelo will be writing to La La.

Just sayin’.

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Recently, at the premiere of Clive Davis’ documentary, “The Soundtrack of Our Lives,” legends like Aretha Franklin, Dionne Warwick and Barry Manilow took the stage to perform, but it was Carly Simon who was the standout ... though not in the way one might think.

It seems Carly performed a cringe-worthy  rendition of “Coming Around Again,” in a mash-up with ... wait for it ... it’s crazy ... “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” while flanked by a group of small children doing the nursery rhyme hand gestures.

One attendee wailed:

“Why is this happening?”

Someone else cried:

“This sounded a lot better when we were high in the ’70s.”

But apparently Simon has performed the song mash-up for years and no one has told her to stop ... so I will: Stop.

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You know, when you’re Lea Michele and you were once the It Girl on a hit show like Glee and then followed it up with the role of Not It girl on not hit show Scream Queens, you need to get some attention. And what better way to do that than to announce to the world which famous women you’d hook-up with:

“I was just talking to Brad Goreski, who I love the most, and I was like, ‘Brad, if you were gonna be with a girl, who would you be with?’ He said Scarlett Johansson, and I stopped for a minute and was like, ‘Oh my God, I think me too. Also, Penélope Cruz, but I’ve been told that she kind of looks like me, so I don’t know what that says about me — that I’m narcissistic?!”

Yes, that’s exactly what it says; it also says you have a giant ego is you think you look anything like Penélope Cruz. But then she goes further and compares herself to ... I can hardly say it ... my head is pounding ... Cher:

 “It’s just gonna be me in bed with gay people and I’m gonna be alone forever like Cher, and that’s totally fine by me. That’s just the story of my f—kin’ life, all right.”

Stop, Lea, sit down. You are not Cher; on your best day you are not Cher on her worst day.

Stop; then go away.

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It's Snarkurday!

It must be Break-up Season — you know, break-up before the holidays so you don’t have to buy that ‘Special Someone’ a gift — because there are a lotta splits a’happening …

Let’s back it up a few months …

In September, we learned that Gotham star Morena Baccarin had left her husband, Austin Chick, and was banging her Gotham co-star Ben McKenzie when they made Couple Debut at the Emmy after-parties.

And we know they were banging because a day later we learned that Morena was pregnant … by a few months … with Ben’s child … which means they were banging back in July while she was still married to her husband and the father of her other child. Chick says he and Morena were still living together during the summer and working on their marriage, when Ben knocked her up; Morena, naturally, disagrees.

But, it’s all messy and sordid and apparently the courts agree with Chick because Morena has been ordered to pay Chick a lotta coins … some $23,000 a month, or … $2,693 in child support for their son Julius, and $20,249 for spousal support.

That’s 275K a year, proving that it doesn’t pay to bang a co-star while you’re still married, Morena.

In other break-ups … it appears that Kate Beckinsale’s husband, director Len Wiseman, has been spotted out-and-about with a 20-something jump-off, “model” CJ Franco, while Beckinsale is away, working, in Prague. And he’s doing the Not Wearing His Wedding Ring routine, too.

Now folks are saying that Kate and Len’s marriage was over months ago, though at that time, they weren’t telling anyone … according to sources … and it could’a been Lohan because maybe Len has dated hookers.

Of course, this shouldn’t be a surprise. Wiseman was the director of one of those Underworld movies that Kate makes, and no one sees, and when she worked with him years ago she got a job for her then-boyfriend, Michael Sheen, in the movie. Trouble was, by the time filming ended Kate and Len were together and Michael was out of the picture.

So, this is nothing new for Len, really.

Say it isn’t so! America’s Royal Couple … I kid … Kylie Jenner and Tyga are over too??!?!

Where are my smelling salts? Oh, wait, maybe it was just an attempt at some attention; she’s a Kardastrophe, you know, and if they go ten minutes without seeing their names in print That Woman starts charging them … or charging at them, nostrils flaring.

But then, a mere 48 hours after it was announced that Kim2.0 had dumped her boyfriend, she posted a Snapchat picture of the two of them playing footsies on a couch with a message explaining that “Everyone needs to chill.”

But do we chill? Or do we wonder why Kylie was spotted leaving a club with ASAP Rocky last week? Uh huh … cue That Woman, who is spinning it that ASAP Rocky was trying to convince Kylie to give Tyga another chance because nothing screams Relationship Counselor like ASAP Rocky and Kylie Jenner Nightclub.

Either way, Tyga will still be getting coins for E! for appearing on Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes and the breakup will occur as a season finale … just like Mama planned.

Let’s take a breather from the break-ups and talk about One Direction.

In Who’s The Bigger Diva news, the award this week goes to the boy band who ALLEGEDLY had Grace Jones bumped from The Jonathan Ross Show.

The episode was supposed to feature the boys and Grace together, but those petty little divas were afraid Grace would “overshadow” their appearance so they asked that maybe she not be allowed to share a stage with them. And Grace was ALLEGEDLY royally pissed off about it, and y’all don’t wanna piss off Miss Jones, because she traveled from Jamaica to London just for the show.

Naturally, a spokesperson for those boys is saying they had nothing to do with Jones being cut from the show, adding that “it wasn’t even discussed with them.”

Yeah, uh huh, then why would a show cut Grace ‘Mother-effing’ Jones at all unless some pre-pube boys wanted it that way. And, yes, I know they aren’t pre-pubescent; they just act like it.

Howsabout Tyra Banks braking up with another TV show?

A few weeks back America’s Next Top Model Who Never Quite Makes It As A Model was cancelled by whatever second-rate network it was on and Tyra Banks, the very next day, tried to spin it that she was pulling the show off the air because it was time.

Tyra has an ego the size of her forehead y’all. But how’s she gonna spin this one? See, Tyra really played up her new talk-show, The FABLife for a hot minute until … she quit The FABLife.

And she’s saying she did it because she wants to focus on her line of cosmetics … uh huh … and that she’ll pop up every now and again and stay on as executive producer until the end of the year. But, rumor has it that Tyra didn’t exactly go quietly. She and another executive producer didn’t like each other and Tyra pitched a fit because, she says, producers went back on a promise to let her regularly push her craptastic makeup line on the show.

Still, it’s all good; no Tyra on TV is TV worth watching.

Back in July 2014, Sherri Shepherd’s super messy divorce drama was everywhere. She’d been married to Lamar Sally — a shady gold-digger … according to Sherri — and says he convinced her to have a baby via a surrogate; the child would not have any biological connection to Sherri since they didn’t use her eggs.

But, before the child was born, Sherri dumped Sally, filed for divorce and told the court she had no interest in paying child support to Lamar to raise a child who wasn’t “hers” biologically, even though she agreed to the surrogacy, signed the paper for the surrogacy, and paid for the surrogacy.

Last July, the court disagreed, and Sherri was ordered to pay child support for the child she never wanted; but the court left open the possibility that if Sherri could prove that Lamar defrauded her, she wouldn’t have to pay a dime.

Big surprise then that Good Christian Woman Sherri, who wanted a surrogate baby until she didn’t want one and then wanted no part of it at all ever, couldn’t prove fraud and so her last ditch effort to avoid paying child support was shot down in court.

And so she’ll continue to pay … $4,100 per month until the child turns thirteen … and then it’s bumped up to $4,600. Hopefully Lamar will go the Direct Deposit route so he and Sherri won’t have to face one another.

Okay, last week we learned that Carly Simon’s song “You’re So Vain” was partially about Warren Beatty because she told that story in her memoir Boys In The Trees.  But, because that story isn’t enough to sell books, she’s also revealing that, back in 1965, Sean Connery wanted to get some Carly … if you know what I mean … but he had one catch: he wanted a threesome with Carly and [gulp] her sister.

Carly says that when she was 20, and her sister Lucy was 22, they were traveling from London to New York on a ship and met a then 35-year-old Sean Connery.  Carly says that the three of them had drinks and ended up in his cabin where Connery, who was married at the time, suggested the ménage-à-oh-no-they-bettah-don’t.

Carly and Lucy said thanks, but no thanks, but the next night Lucy did end up doing the 007 Deed all by herself with Connery. And Carly was so upset by this betrayal — I guess she wanted to Bond with Sean … get it? — that when they got to New York, she ended their musical duo The Simon Sisters.

So … Sean Connery Yoko’d The Simon Sisters? That should sell one or two copies of Carly’s book.

After their marriage ended over the summer Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting learned a lesson many of us already know: don’t ever get a tattoo of a lover-husband-boyfriend-girlfriend-one-nightstand’s name, or wedding date, tattooed on your body.

See, Kaley went and got their wedding date inked into her back and Ryan got her name tattooed on his arm, and then almost as soon as that ink dried, it was over. What to do? What to do?

Well, Kaley was kinda lucky; she could have scoured Tindr for another man to marry and then married him on the same date, and only have had to change the year. Ryan would have to find a girl named Kaley and that is far more difficult.

But, Kaley decided she didn’t want to try her luck on securing the same wedding date, so she had another tattoo inked over the original: it’s a moth … a moth that looks a lot like the moth on the Silence of the Lambs poster.

And now someone is out looking for fava beans and a nice Chianti.

And speaking of divorces …

After Chris Rock filed for divorce from his wife of 18 years, Malaak Compton-Rock, it began to get real ugly. They fought over custody of their children and over money, naturally, but now there’s a whole new sub-basement of ugly.

See, back in 2008, a girl from South Africa named Ntombi began living with the Rocks; Ntombi’s biological parents live in South Africa, so no one really knows why she moved into the Rock house, except that she did and was treated like a Rock off-spring, even attending events with Chris. And that’s where the ugly comes in …

Around the time that Chris filed divorce papers, South African officials started looking closely at how Ntombi ended up in the US. See, there is ALLEGEDLY no record of the Rocks adopting Ntombi; Chris never signed papers to legally adopt Ntombi and it was Malaak who brought her to the US.

And so, while Chris regularly sees his 2 biological daughters, he hasn’t once seen or spoken to Ntombi in over a year and his people say he doesn’t have a child, adopted or otherwise, named Ntombi.

Nice father, Chris; you’ve been treating this girl like a daughter since she was a baby and now? Not so much.

Another divorce story?

This week a Manhattan judge shish-kebabed Stephanie March, the former wife of celebrity chef and adulterer Bobby Flay for hauling him into court over some old Food Network videos.

Though Flay and March finalized their divorce in July, she filed a motion demanding $105,000 for the videos that feature her with Flay and that aired on the Food Network. She claimed the videos violated the divorce agreement that prevented both sides from using one another’s images for profit.

But the judge declared the dinner over, and the gray train halted, because the Food Network spots predate the split and are controlled by the TV channel, not Flay.

Looks like Bobby didn’t get skewered by March …. Again.

It's Snarkurday AND My Blogiversary!

So, on Friday, November 21, 2008, this appeared on the interwebz:

Newbie

I'm new to this blog thing, but I do love to talk and I do have an opinion--hell I have thousands of opinions--so I guess that's as good a place to start. Let's talk about.........Me!

I am a happily-partnered gay male, and I have been with the love of my life for the last eight years. We met online in an AOL chatroom--no, not THAT kind of chatroom--and became IM friends, and then email friends, and then phone friends and then friends across the country and then I went from California to Miami to meet him, and that was that.

A few months later I'd left California and settled in Miami--talk about culture shock! We stayed in Miami for about six years until Carlos--the aforementioned partner--accepted a job in Smallville, South Carolina, and we loaded up the truck and moved to....well, not Beverly Hills, but Smallville. A small town. A cute town.

A town full of nice people who didn't seem at all peeved that the newest arrivals were a couple of mo's from Miami.

That's a start, I think. More to come.....I hope.

And that’s how it all started and here we are today some seven years and 6885 posts later.

Who knew? But enough about me … 

Okay, so Leah Remini’s book about her life in the cult that is Scientology has dropped, and is proving to be quite successful, even without the Tom Cruise juiciness … like how a chipped mug sends him into Joan Crawford Wire Hanger Rage, or how nuts he is about his cookie dough, or how he looks down on Kirstie Alley and John Travolta — difficult, given that most of the planet looks down on Tom … literally; that bitch is short, y’all. 

And Tommy’s probably really upset that his ex-beard Katie Holmes released a statement apologizing  to Leah for pissing her off, but he’s been pretty quiet … except … a source — and it’s probably the minion who didn’t see the chip in the tea cup — says Tommy Grrrl has “freaked out” over Leah trashing him like that, but he probably won’t be commenting and he definitely won’t be doing his Did He Call Me Gay fallback plan of filing a $100 million lawsuit against Remini, he’s just going to label her, as Co$ members do, a “suppressive person” and erase the fact that she’s ever existed from his memory banks.

“He thinks it’s a major betrayal. Leah is what the church calls a ‘suppressive person,’ so she’s evil in his mind. He wipes the memory of any SP out of his life. He’s letting the Scientology people discredit her.”

The only thing Tommy has erased from his mind is that fact he’s a crazy person in the eyes of the world.

Couch-jumping moron.

In ‘Does Anyone Really Care About This’ news Carly Simon has opted to tell us all who the Douchebag is in her song “You’re So Vain.” 

Most people believe that the song is about her ex-husband James Taylor  … or Mick Jagger, who sang background on the song … or her ex-boyfriend Warren Beatty … or David Bowie … or Cat Stevens … or David Geffen, but Carly has refused to give up one name, saying the song is about more than one guy.

But now, because she has a book coming out and needs the press Carly is giving up the name … saying the second verse of her song refers to Warren Beatty. She does say, though, that the other verses refer to two other men whom she won’t name unless this book sells enough and she’s asked to write, and promote, a sequel.

Kylie Jenner, the youngest and least talented — which isn’t saying much — member of the Kardastrophe Klan is planning on going into music now, according to a source, more than likely her pimp of a mother, That Woman, who says:

“Kylie has been in the studio the last couple of months with [her rapper boyfriend] Tyga recording her first song. She plans to debut the single on her app.”

The inside goes on to say that the 18-year-old failed-fashion-designer-turned-failed-fashion-model-turned-failed-Kim-Kardastrophe2.0 “has always been into rap music.”

You know, when she isn’t designing clothes or walking the runway of trying to be her older sister.

Is Amy Schumer a temperamental diva? Maybe so.

Rumor has it that  Schumer pulled the “don’t you know who I am” card at an Equinox gym in New York City when the staff refused to let her in after she couldn’t produce her gym card.

And Amy ALLEGEDLY went off … throwing a “massive fit” and shrieking:

“I know you know who I am, I’m famous!”

Schumer isn’t commenting, especially on Twitter so maybe it’s true ... or maybe it went like this … perhaps Amy thought she was a big enough star that she didn’t need to show ID and tried to waltz past security and not be questioned.” 

And when someone asked to see her pass, she answered:

“I’m famous.”

And now a  spokesperson for Equinox is denying reports that Schumer had a meltdown and says the kerfuffle was “simply a back-and-forth with staffers who didn’t immediately know who she was.”

Well, that sounds like both stories are true, and that Amy Schumer, whom half the country hadn’t heard of last year, now thinks everyone needs to know her name.

Sadly, a lot of people are now thinking it’s ‘Bitch.’

In the midst of nursing back to health her almost ex-husband Lamar Odom, who is still recovering from the seizure he had a Nevada whorehouse after a four day coke-and-prostitute binge, Khloe Kardashian took a minute to appear on The Ellen Show to promote the new book she “wrote.”

I’ll say wrote in quotes because, while I once thought Khloe was the smart Kardastrophe, well, I was wrong, and the evidence was quite clear when, while speaking with Ellen about Lamar, she joked that she’s “part of polygamy now” because she has a husband and a boyfriend — James Harden.

Um, Khloe, you’d have to be married to both men to be “part of polygamy.” As it stands, you’re just kind of a whore.

But then you’re part of Kardastrophe so that makes sense.

When last we heard from Giada De Laurentiis, she was saying she’d never date serial adulterer Bobby Flay because she’s, and I quote, “too smart for that.”

But is she? I mean, she has shed her ex-husband Todd Thompson, and she has moved on to TV producer Shane Farley ... who is still legally married to personal trainer Jennifer Giamo.

While Shane filed for divorce in March 2015, rumor has it that he and Giada began bumping privates back in 2013 when he was set to produce a show starring Giada and Flay. Giada’s rep is naturally now claiming that they didn’t start dating until this past August, though please to explain why Shane moved into Giada’s house right after he filed for divorce in March?

And Jennifer ain’t happy about the shenanigans, even having her lawyer release this statement:

“My client is devastated by what she has learned through the tabloids ... 'Hurtful’ would be a mild characterization. They’re just in the middle of it.”

So, wait, Giada is “too smart” to get involved with serial dater-slash-adulterer Bobby Flay, but moving her new man into her house while he was still married is okay?

Giada’s doin’ a lot more than cookin’ in her kitchen.

Now, since it's my blogiversary, let's end with my favorite Snark Star ...

Lindsey Lohan is at it again, trying to do anything and everything to get herself some attention since she doesn’t actually have a job.

She Instagrammed earlier this year that she might run for president, and I reminded her that whores have pimps not presidents. Then she began flashing a fake engagement ring around town, and we all know it’s fake because johns leave cash on the nightstand not cubic zirconium on your finer.

But this is low even for Lowhan, er, Lohan.

She Instagrammed a picture of herself in what she referred to as “Sharon Tate drag.” Tate, as some of you may remember, was in The Valley of the Dolls and was also brutally murdered, while eight months pregnant, by disciples of Charles Manson.

So, how is this low for Lohan? She posted the picture on Charles Manson’s birthday. Yup, she posted a picture of a murder victim on the birthday of the man who is in jail for murdering her.

Lowhan.