Reality Ain't All It's Cracked Up To Be

Every once in a while, while feeding my addiction to the Real Housewives franchise--all, except Orange County, Atlanta and New Jersey because they're pigs--I think to myself, Hmmm, wouldn't a Real Househusbands of Smallville make an interesting show?
Then I realize that, even though I don't have many skeletons in my closet--those records have long been expunged or are permanently sealed by Homeland Security--it might be too much of a Pandora's box kinda thing.
Case in point:
Teresa & Joe Giudice, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey

Teresa is the table flipping white trash ho, and she and her husband Joe are no stranger to legal woes.
Back in 2009, the couple filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy because they were unable to pay the $11 million they owed to various creditors.
Nice, eh?
Since then Joe has been arrested for Driving While Intoxicated [DWI], driving on a suspended license, and fraudulently obtaining a driver's license--he ALLEGEDLY used his brother's name and address to obtain a new license.
Now, one of Joe's former "business" partners, Joe Mastropole, has filed a lawsuit against the Teresa and Joe accusing them of forging his name on mortgage documents in order to pocket $1 million.
Joe Giudice's response:  "Everybody does it."
But not everybody does it, and not everybody is forced by a judge to pay his former business partner $260,000.
Nice couple, the Giudices.
And, just this week, the Giudices—along with Bravo and other members of The Real Housewives of New Jersey cast—were named in a lawsuit over a drunken bar fight that occurred in February, while they were filming on location in the Dominican Republic.

Melissa & Joe Gorga, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey

Lawsuits must run in the family. See, Joe Gorga is Teresa's brother.
Joe and his wife, Melissa, claim that unlike the Giudices, they "pay their bills", but other folks beg to differ.
Joe Gorga has been the subject of 26 lawsuits in New Jersey since 2002,  including a 2008 state tax lien for over $20,000.
Most recently Gorga is being sued by Starlite Window Manufacturing Co. Inc. to the tune of $30,000 for nonpayment of work.
The Gorgas are also being sued for $50,000 by a sprinkler company for work on an apartment complex in Paterson.
Additionally, according to public records, a civil judgement was made against them for over $12,000 to a company called Slaby Engineering Associates.
Three lawsuits a year.

Danielle Staub, former drug mule, former prostitue, former star of the Real Housewives of New Jersey

For the moment Danielle is out of the reality TV biz, although she is ALLEGEDLY filming some sort of show now, probably on Adults Only pay-per-view, but that doesn't mean she is immune to lawsuit-itis.
Her ex-husband Kevin Maher--author of the infamous Cop Without a Badge which detailed Staub's run as a drug delivering pole dancing whore--filed a defamation suit for $5 million after she wrote in her memoir that he "killed her dog, forced her to play Russian Roulette and even raped her."
They deserve each other, no?
And in May, Staub was sued for $375,000 after ALLEGEDLY backing out of a three-year deal with Scores strip club, which required her to appear nude on the company's website. After news of her return to stripping made the rounds on the press, Staub quit her gig with Scores and gave an interview to People saying she was "addicted to love."
And by love she means fame.


Gretchen Rossi & Slade Smiley, The Real Housewives of Orange County

As a couple, they are double the fun and double the legal actions.
Rossi and Smiley are being sued for fraud, breach of contract, deceit, and conspiracy by a former business associate, makeup artist Ronnan Myers. Myers and Rossi both invested $15,000 in Rossi's makeup company Gretchen Christine Beaute, with a verbal contract that they'd split the profits, with Myers claiming that Smiley put the kibosh on any written contracts.
Her half ALLEGEDLY came to zero.
According to court documents, Rossi and Smiley tried to push Myers out of the company. Myers claims that Rossi took funds out of the joint business account without permission, and accused Rossi of having all profits deposited directly into her PayPal account, which Myers had no access to. Myers is seeking $100,000 in damages.
Then Rossi's ex, Jay Photoglou, sued her for slander and libel after she made public statements that he had stalked her, stolen from her, and threatened her. Photoglou says Rossi lied about the extent of their relationship because she wanted to be on the show and to be depicted as loving caretaker to her dying "fiance" Jeff Beitzel. Rossi was recently ordered to pay $40,000 of Photoglou's attorney fees.
Keep "designing" those handbags Gretchen.


Peggy & Micah Tanous, The Real Housewives of Orange County

Peggy is new to the franchise, but shes already knee-deep in legal woes.
Her home is in foreclosure because she and her "business"man hubby owe some $1.3 million on the home with multiple mortgages. So, they are now suing three different banks—BAC Home Loans Servicing, U.S. Bank National and PNC Mortgage—in an effort to save the McMansion.
On top of that, they also have a judgement against them, do to the fact that they owe money to the IRS.
Maybe Peggy should have skipped that last boob job and paid a bill or two.


Alexis & Jim Bellino, The Real Housewives of Orange County

Jim, AKA the "King" of the BellinoShashi Tejpaul, Gail Duncan, and Abdul Hamid Risdana. The suit states that Bellino, who owns the company Private Money Immediately, lent $2.13 million to the plaintiffs. Now, although Tejpaul and Duncan claim they made payments, Bellino obtained a notice of default and election to sell the property.
Plus there are all sorts of rumors about foreclosures and losing homes and all kinds of shiz.
But that's how the OC folks make their money.
And lose their money. 


Kelly Bensimon, The Real Housewives of New York

Kelly's the crazy one. Her best friends are rainbows and gummy bears and she never met a conflict she didn't want to bury at the beach.
Like this one.
Bensimon is being sued by former Elle Accessories colleague Celeste Greenberg for ALLEGEDLY stealing a jewelry design.
The two had verbally agreed to split the profits but Bensimon sold the design--an owl pendant--for $285 under her own jewelry line.
Now, it's sold out.
And Kelly's been sold out as an ALLEGED thief.

Sonja Morgan, The Real Housewives of New York

Ah, Lady Morgan.
The former restaurant hostess turned society gal by virtue of her marriage to an old, old, rich man, is being sued by a production company for backing out of an agreement to finance a film--which was ALLEGED to star John Travolta and Rosario Dawson--back in 2006.
Morgan says she did it because she had just been served with divorce papers, but an NYC court has ordered her to pay the production company $7 million in damages.
Morgan has since filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
Hopefully the cookbook she's writing, on how to use a toasster oven--seriously--will be a big hit and Sonja crawl out of bankruptcy. 


Bethenny Frankel, formerly of The Real Housewives of New York

She was a Forbes cover girl, when she ALLEGEDLY made the biggest deal of her life for earning a reported $120 million after selling her Skinnygirl cocktail brand to Jim Beam.
Now, Frankel's former management company, Raw Talent, claims Bethenny cut them out of the deal when she fired them just days before inking the deal. And they are suing for suing her for $100 million.
Frankel calls the suit "frivolous."
Must be nice to call $100 million frivolous.
i think she needs a Skinnygirl Margarita.

Cindy Barshop, The Real Housewives of New York

She's the newest housewife, so her list of suits is relatively small, for now.
But Cindy Barshop and her beauty chain Completely Bare spas were hit with a racial discrimination lawsuit after former employee Altovise Collier filed a complaint with the State Division of Human Rights, claiming she was mistreated, verbally abused, and ultimately fired due to the color of her skin.
Barshop denies the charges and insists Collier was fired for "the quality of her work."
Or the quality of her skin?
And I wouldn't doubt an upcoming lawsuit filed by Cindy against her dentist for her veneers that slipped off her canines. That was an episode in itself.

Sheree Whitfield, The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Sheree bragged about getting "seven figures" in her recent divorce though that might have been a misstatement, or an outright lie.
See, two law firms....two.law.firms....who handled her divorce  are suing her because they ALLEGE that she still owes them $180,000 in divorce-related fees.
One of the law firms said Whitfield "ignored and stonewalled any effort to respond to post-judgment discovery about her assets and income," and that she believes she's "above the law."
Soon, she'll be below the poverty level.
By at least seven figures.


Kim Zolciak, The Real Housewives of  Atlanta

She's the enormous boob with enormous boobs who uses those boobs to get men who act as boobs to buy her bigger boobs and baubles.
But, after her single "Tardy for the Party" became an unexpected hit--it reached the Top 10 on the iTunes Dance Chart--Zolciak was forced to temporarily remove the song from iTunes when she was sued by producer Don Vito for nonpayment.
The song has since reappeared on iTunes, leading to speculation that Kim, at least, paid off her debts.
Or that they settled out of court.
Maybe she let the judge cop a feel of her silly cones.


Nene Leakes, The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Nene liked to pretend she was rich.
After the first season of RHoA, it was revealed that Nene rented instead of owned her home and was eventually evicted, owing over $6,000 in back rent.
Her husband Gregg also owed $100,000 in back taxes, and two years ago, the Bank of America filed a lawsuit against the Leakes.
Nene is maybe working extra hard to pay for all those lawsuits and eviction troubles by appearing on every Tv show and reality Tv show imaginable.
She is still, however, a deabeat.


Michaele & Tareq Salahi, The White House Party Crashers of The Real Housewives of D.C.

And here we have the winners of the Reality Show Legal Woes Sweepstakes.
The Salahis are in more legal trouble than any other reality show wannabe and hasbeen.
They've been named in over 20 civil lawsuits, including ones by vendors, former employees, neighbors, at least three couples who held their weddings at their Oasis Winery, and Tareq's own mother.
When the Salahis wed in 2003, at a ceremony that included 1,836 guests, Michaele's dress cost $6,000. After she wore it, Tareq filed federal fraud charges against the bridal shop for attempting to process his credit card. The store eventually was paid, but only after spending $9,000 on legal fees.
In 2007, Michaele was sued for $4,000 by a different stylist for an "urgent" appointment to update her blond hair extensions, for which human hair was ordered and overnighted to the salon. A judge ruled in favor of the stylist, but the money is still unpaid.
Last year, Dr. Navin Singh of Ivy Plastic Surgery in Maryland filed a lawsuit against Michaele for $500 for "unnamed procedures."
Then there's a suit from December 2009, when the Salahis were being sued for nonpayment by their landscaper. The judge on the case ordered Tareq to give the watch off his wrist--ALLEGEDLY worth $325,000--to the plaintiff to cover his debt of $2000.
It turned out that the watch didn't work, and was actually a fake, worth less than $100.

Still wanna be on reality TV?
Make sure your records are expunged or the cases are sealed.
I'll be waiting for my phone call from Andy Cohen!

via Jezebel

A Whore Of A Different Color: Green

As soon as I post this I think I'll join a Twelve-Step Guilty Pleasure Program.

See, I love me some Real Housewives Of....Especially the Real Housewives of New York. I wasn't fond of the OC gals because they're shallow, collagen-injected dumbasses; I didn't enjoy the New Jersey girls because, well, I think one of them is actually a man and I don't like being lied to; as for the Real Housewives of Atlanta, it seemed more like a hate-fest, with the teams changing about every five minutes.

Plus, RHOA had Kim Zolciak, and, for me, she is a whore. In every sense of the word. On the show she was involved with a man called Big Poppa, who was married to someone else, but doing Kim, and buying Kim.....boobs, wigs, jewels, cars, homes, whatever Kim's whorish needs were at any given moment.

In my mind, Kim was the Sleep-With-Whomever-Can-Get-Me-Where-I-Want-To-Go kinda whore. And even though, ALLEGEDLY, she and Poppa are no more, Kim has found a new pimp, named Tracy Young, an Atlanta DJ.

Oh yeah, Tracy's a woman.

At first, when the story broke, famewhore Kim denied any relationship with Young; she was so not a lesbian. And, well, I sorta believed her, because I knew Kim doesn't have sex for love. She has it for jewels, furs, and stocks, like a lady...............whore. But, see, here's the fun part; Kim wants to be a recording star. She even recorded a god-awful tune called Tardy For The Party that got some iTunes play.

So, now, what does she do?

Yes, hook-up with a DJ to help promote her little singing trip.

And now she is confirming that she and DJ Tracy Young have been more than just friends, with benefits, although she doesn't define herself as a lesbian: "We were both going through heartbreak at the time. I had split up with Big Poppa, and she had just ended a relationship she had been in for three years. The first night we met, we just connected on a different level. We ended up talking for two hours. After that, we started working in the studio together, remixing 'Tardy for the Party.' We gradually became closer."

Of course you became closer, whore, you needed her to further your :::cough cough hack hack spit:::: music career. And when the rumors started--no doubt started by some reality TV famewhore with fake boobs and blond acrylic wigs--Zolciak denied any relationship; and Tracy Young also refused to confirm they were a couple.

Zolciak now says that, while she doesn’t see herself as a lesbian, she's just a woman in a relationship with another woman. "I don't believe love has a gender. I have a ton of girlfriends who have been with girls, and I could never comprehend that before. Now I can. But I don't want to define gay, bisexual or straight. I just think it's too much for me—a woman doesn't define me, nor does a man. I'm among the millions of parents who have been in a gay or lesbian relationship....I myself was confused and scared at first. Being able to speak from my heart and get this all out, it’s a huge relief for me."

Yes, I think Kim is right. For her, love has no gender, but it does have an agenda.

Real Housewives

Bravo has several of these shows:
The Real Housewives of Atlanta--it's like skank-squared...all they wanna do is try to beat a bitch down.
The Real Housewives of Orange County--which is all about botox and plastic surgery, fake boobs and fake personalities.
The Real Housewives of New York--which is my favorite! Loves it!



I got hooked on it last season, and then played catch-up on all the episodes I missed.

There's Jill, a nice Jewish girl from Long Island, who calls herself by both her names: Hi, I'm Jillzaran. I'm on Team Jill, and also Team Bethenny.



There's Bethenny, who was on Martha's one-shot The Apprentice--she lost. She's the comic center of the group. Holy Inappropriateness Batman.



We have Romona, bug-eyed and will say just about anything. She reminds me of a friend of mine in California who is bug-eyed and will say just about anything. Back to Ramona: on Team Jill we call her Rameana.



The Countess de Lesseps, who is a real countess and seemed quite normal last year, but apparently has brought out the de Lesseps Bitch jewels for season two.



Alex, who is a pompous arrogant insufferable money grubbing social climbing whore with a gay husband who is a pompous arrogant insufferable money grubbing social climbing whore with a bitch for a wife. I don't like them, can you tell?



And this season we have added Kelly to the mix. Kelly is an author and former model, who seems quite nice, but just yesterday she was accused of punching her younger boyfriend in the face. Cougar with her claws out! So we added streetfighter to her resume.


Now, the show. These gals start out in the Hampton's--who doesn't?

There are parties and lunches and shopping and, well, cat-fights, because, let's face it, without the cat-fights this would be on the Travel Channel and who watches that?

The best fight last night was when the Countess was holding a charity event at Hope Lodge in NYC, to benefit cancer patients who use the facility while getting treatments in New York.

But that's not the story.

Rameana was giving dating advice to Bethenny--the token 'Unlucky in love gal' on the show. Her advice was to date....date, not you know, sleep around...many men because when other men see you out on the town with a bunch of different guys they'll come after you like sharks after blood....or like men after a cheap hooker.

The Countess thought this approach all wrong, and the discussion/kitty fight--because it wasn't full on yet--turned to the Countess' husband, The Count, and how Ramona thought he was twice as old as the Countess.

The Countess was indignant: You think the Count is an old man?

Everytime the Countess says Count, I think Chocula.

Ramona: Well, yes.

It was on. The Count is only fifteen years older! How dare you talk about this in front of my daughter, the Countletess or something? You're bug-eyed, Ramona!

The Countess stomps around muttering constantly about Ramona the rude; how embarrassing, how tacky, how pathetic.

So Ramona apologizes. One Hundred Times!!!! Seriously, BugEyes tells the Countess she's sorry, tells the Countletess she's sorry, at one point she actually says, I'm really really really really really really sorry.

And the Countess won't let it die.

Side note: The Countess is writing a book on etiquette because, as we all know, Countesses are the most polite well-mannered people, because they used to be models and then married a man with a title. But it's quite obvious as Ramona grovels, that the Countess has yet to write the chapter on How To Accept An Apology Gracefully.

Now, before the fight, before Ramona showed up, Bethenny, who is a chef so we see her in the kitchen for about two minutes a season to remind us, is helping the Countess set up a buffet at the Hope Lodge. Bethenny is going to be on the cover of Social Life magazine, which is a big deal, because it comes out only in the Hampton's, but hey, it's a cover shot. She tells the Countess how excited she is to be on the cover.

And to her credit the Countess says, at first, That's fantastic.

But then she tosses out, Of course, they'll do some retouching on the picture.

Again, she has yet to right the chapter on inappropriate comments. I imagine they'll be doing a lot of retouching on the Countess book. And by "retouching" I mean, ghostwriter.

But then Bethenny delivers the line of the night:

Next time could you take a beat before you tell me I'm ugly?

I'm lookin' for a Bethenny/Countess smackdown. Maybe Kelly could give lessons.