I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

One surefire way to show people that same-sex marriage is no different that opposite-sex marriage is to look into a same-sex divorce, celebrity style. And I’m talkin' 'bout you, Johnny Weir and Victor Voronov.

Not a lot of folks care about this divorce, and let's be queer, it's not because they're gay it's because one's a former figure skater and one's somebody no one knows, but the stories about the pair just keep spreading; such as, tales of domestic violence, money issues, lies and betrayal.

Johnny is claiming that the divorce is happening because he's tired of paying all the bills around Chez Weir-Voronov, while Victor says the divorce came as a shock to him, though how could he be surprised when he said he'd only seen Johnny twice in two months?

But then Johnny tosses out the abuse allegations with this: 

“We were fighting in such a terrible way and it did get physical ... it’s unfortunate that things went the way that it did because domestic violence is never the way to go. The damage that was done to me mentally was crippling.”

And yet, um, Johnny, weren't you the one charged with biting Victor? In that case that was dismissed when you both showed up to court last month to ask that the charges be dropped?

Voronov’s rep Wendy Feldman says Voronov “feels duped,” by Weir, who “had the [divorce] papers drawn up a day prior to the Olympics and filed right after” so as not to besmirch his reputation — let that marinate a second — while he was commenting on ice skaters.

And then comes the news that Johnny thinks Victor is going to do something to “get back at him.”  Johnny believes Victor is trying to shake him down for money, saying Victor demanded $25,000 plus spousal support, or else he would go to the media and “tell all.” 

That oughta be juicy. But the best part of this whole mess is the email that Johnny actually sent to Victor after he filed the divorce papers, in which Johnny begged Victor not to hurt his ... wait for it ... it's spectacular ... his purses.

I know!

I guess when you sell your soul to reality TV and then your marriage falls apart because your husband can’t keep his d**k in his pants, why not sell that as a show.

Tori keeps talking about how she and Dean are trying to work on their marriage, but their idea of work isn’t quite the same as everyone else’s.

Now, to be fair, Tori's had it tough recently; I mean, her husband was out banging randoms on a daily basis and went to rehab — Banging Randoms Rehab? — for it, and she lost her retail store and admitted that she and Dean were broke. What to do? What to do?

I know! Pitch a reality show about how you’re trying to save your marriage — and call it something like Tori & Dean” Coming Back To Life … seriously — or see if you can get a spot on VH1’s Couple’s Therapy.

Yeah, nothing says this is a real marriage with real problems like trying to sell those problems to a basic cable channel.

So, Halle Berry was married a few times and divorced a few times, and then hooked up with a male model, had a baby, dumped him, fell in love with French actor Olivier Martinez, got knocked up, married him, and now it appears that that marriage is over.

Methinks Halle ought to sit out the dating and marriage game.

Halle is in Hollywood now because the Oscar winner will be shooting a TV show called Extant, with the dreamy Goran Visnjic and there is talk that Olivier thinks Halle and Goran are getting too close.

Well, that would be shocking!

And now Halle is out on red carpets everywhere doing the Let’s Ease Into The Breakup Talk Two-Step by not wearing her wedding ring. Bit, Olivier isn’t quite so subtle; he’s still wearing his ring but he’s moved out of their house.

He thinks Halle is too focused on work and losing the baby weight instead of their family, and he’d like her to join him in the relationship/marriage again. But Halle says he isn’t being civil to her — which is the same song Halle play with every guy she dates and marries then dumps — and she wants him out of the house until he can play nice.

I wonder how much help Olivier will get from Halle’s other baby daddy, Gabriel Aubrey, when he fights for custody?

While a judge ruled that Chris Brown  needs to stay locked up like the thug he is until an a hearing in late April — because he violated his probation yet again by getting the rehab boot — we all know that Chrissy don’t think the rules apply to him.

While the judge says the outcome of his upcoming DC assault case will determine just how long he’s in jail, Brown’s willing to fork out some big money to get the victim to recant his story so Chris can roam free and beat someone else up and then go back to rehab and jail.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

It seems Chrissy’s lawyer, Mark Geragos has contacted the lawyer for the man who claims Chris and his bodyguard attacked him and broke his nose, and Geragos offered a handsome payday.

If the guy accepts it, then that case is dropped, the judge in LA will have no reason to hold Chris, and quicker than you can say Ow! My nose! Chrissy’s outta jail.

But for how long, because this is Chris Brown after all, and he’ll probably beat up somebody in the prison visitor’s room on his way out the door.

Pity poor bobble-headed Giuliana Rancic. With no discernible talent, and no degree in fashion — much less a sense of it — she’s carved herself quite the little niche as an E! channel reporter and member of the The Fashion Police.

I say pity her because Rancic recently visited Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens and blasted Russell Crowe for being the worst interview ever … probably because Crowe wouldn’t talk about her dress and jewels and shoes and bag:

 “[He] was so mean to me. I had been at E! for a year, and I literally was like, ‘I’m gonna go easy because he’s pretty tough.’ And so I said, ‘Are you excited to be here tonight? Your big movie premiere?’ And he goes, ‘I’m contractually obligated to be here. What’s your next question?’ And I go ‘Um, isn’t it wonderful seeing all the fans?’ And he goes, ‘That’s your second question? 1, 2, you’re through!’ And walked away.”

Huh. Hard-hitting questions, and quite possibly the same asshatted questions Crowe had been getting all day long from everyone and this member of the Lollipop Heads asks them again as though they have never been asked before.

I’m Team Crowe on this one and not just because I’m afraid he’’ Naomi Campbell me with a phone.

Speaking of Naomi … how’s that for a segue?

The supermodeling, phone throwing, assistant beating diva, Naomi Campbell, recently paid a visit to Australia’s The Morning Show and as a member of the Vogue Covergirl Club, she was asked about the Kardastrophe that happened to Vogue this month.

Interviewer: What do you think of Kim and Kanye’s US Vogue cover, given that you have been on the cover yourself countless times?

Naomi: I do not want to comment.

Interviewer: Why?

Naomi: [literally cackling] Because I am a fashion model and I’ve been working for 28 years. When you get a Vogue cover, it’s a build in your career, it’s a stepping stone to achieve that. I’m a fashion model, so what more can I say?

Interviewer: So you think that Kim and Kanye haven’t earned the right to be on the cover of Vogue?

Naomi: Those are YOUR words. I’m being politically correct. That’s Anna Wintour’s choice to put them on the cover of her magazine. Who’s to question it?

Kylie: Well, I just did.

Naomi smiled subtly and reached for her Blackberry …

More drama in the Charlie Sheen I’m-Marrying-A-Porn-Star-Who-Hates-One-Of-My-Ex-Wives drama.

It’s been two months now since Sheen stopped paying ex-wife, and mother to two of his thirty four children … I kid, or do I, Denise Richards, the court0ordered $55,000 a month. And meanwhile, Charlie has been squiring his porn star fiancée Brett Rossi all over the globe in private jets and on lavish vacations and giving her gold plated dildoes or something to keep her occupied.

And he’s doing it because Brett told him to, because Denise doesn’t want him and Rossi to have unsupervised visits with their children.

Charlie is also trying to kick Denise out of the home she shares with her daughters, which will force them to switch schools or face an hour commute each way, but who is he really hurting? Yeah, his kids, but he’s probably too cracked up to realize that, and he ALLEGEDLY to cracked up to notice that Brett is the one holding the purse strings now.

Now, Charlie’s mouthpiece declares that Sheen has “paid child support to Denise. Your information is incorrect” but he wouldn’t comment on whether Charlie paid the 55K or two-dollars. And then another source — possibly Brett, flat on her back, heels to God — says he hasn’t paid any child support and won’t.

As I’ve said before, I cannot wait until the day the porn star gets dumped by Charlie, possibly for a sexually active Girl Scout, and she has to scratch and claw to get her 55K a month to support the 4, or 34, children she had with him.

So, Gwyneth Paltrow, perfect little Gwynnie, who created a website to tell everyone how to live the perfect Gwynnie lifestyle, is getting divorced.

Is it because she’s an unrepentant snob who thinks a $2,000 t-shirt is a must have? Is it because she’s been accused to schtupping at least two different men? Is it because Chris Martin got a look at that ALLEGED take-down piece from Vanity Fair and realized he was, in fact, married to Lucifer’s Mistress?

No one knows, because in typical Gwyneth speak the two are not separating and headed for divorce; they are … wait for it … it’s high-larious because only Gwyneth Paltrow would phrase it like this … they are Consciously Uncoupling because Separation and Divorce are for peasants!.

And in typical Goop fashion she and Martin took their children, Pomegranate and Bathsheba, to the Bahamas so they could have a Family Vacation, AKA Mommy and Daddy are Uncoupling Kids day at the beach.

That’s nice, but after the divorce, and Gwyneth can paint it in whatever pastel colors she wants, it’s still a divorce, she and Chris will be wonderfully co-parenting their children on two separate continents. See, Gwyneth wants to love in LA because in LA she thinks she’s a star, while Martin wants to move home to London where they lived for ten years until Gwyneth realized most people were like, Who’s Gwyneth Paltrow and why is she with Chris Martin?

Here’s the message Gwyneth put on her Goop website because that’s how everyone should announce to the world that they are doing the Conscious Uncoupling:

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love, 
Gwyneth & Chris”

Closer than ever? Oh, Gwynnie, even you can't spin that into the truth.

Remember last summer when we learned that Zac Efron had sent time in rehab for a drug problem? And then, after rehab, he broke his jaw, and had to have it wired, because he slipped on water in his house and not because he was as high as a kite?

Yeah, it all sounds as plausible as this story: Efron says he was attacked over the weekend by a sketchy person after he and his bodyguard got stuck in the Skid Row area of downtown Los Angeles.

Efron told police that he and the bodyguard had “run out of gas” … in Skid Row … and were “sitting in their car” … in Skid Row …  waiting for a tow truck and, while waiting, they threw a bottle out of the window of the car and it happened to smash on the pavement near a group of “transients” … in Skid Row.

The “transients,” thinking the bottle had been thrown at them, came over to the car to confront Efron and Bodyguard; the bodyguard was then attacked by two “transients’ and when Efron got out of the car to help he was punched in the mouth.

 “It was the hardest I’ve ever been hit in my life,” Zac told police.

But no one was arrested as the cops felt it was a mutual combat.

Does anyone else think it’s high-larious that a famous celebrity, fresh from rehab, just happened to be driving through Skid Row and ran out of gas and was jumped by hobos? Or, maybe there was some drug deal going down that went south and fists ALLEGEDLY flew.

This story kills me.

Joan Rivers has a web show called In Bed With Joan where she interviews all kinds of celebrities, former celebrities, and celebrity wannabes, in bed.

Well, this week she interviewed Ray J, best known for having sex with Kim Kardastrophe, and peeing on her in the process, on camera. And leave it to Joan, but she and Ray J reenacted the Kim Kardastrophe sex tape for the show and that’s when, all over the world, birds instantly fell dead from the skies as Kim Kardastrophe shrieked to the high heavens:

Kanyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And then to make it all the much worse, one Khloe Kardastrophe, who had been booked to appear on In Bed With Joan, suddenly canceled at the last minute.

Which I find high-larious because we wouldn’t even know what a Khloe Kardastrophe was if her sister hadn’t decided to f**k on camera and then let her mother, That Woman, sell it to the highest bidding porn house.

Just sayin’.