Lindsay, Ep 2: The Keys to Daddy's Heart ... Or a Car ... Or Maybe a Home

Apparently this week some of the crazy kicks in as we wait — and Lindsay waits and keeps us waiting — for the keys to her new apartment, paid for by Pilgrim, the production company OWN hired to film this reality show docu-series.

So, the first eight minutes of Lindsay has no Lindsay at all, but a lot of her assistant trying to get her to wake up and get dressed because, without the keys to the new place, she has to change hotel rooms again because someone else has booked the Lindsay Lohan Slept Here Room and All I Got Was Bedbugs Suite™, I guess.

Through it all, we Lindsay speaking through a door, to Matt The Assistant, telling him what he can and cannot move and which bag of clothes to leave for her; we don't see her, we just hear slept-all-day Lindsay in the background, which doesn't sit well with the reality show docu-series director, Amy Rice.

Around 3PM Matt the Assistant has her moved into a new room, and around 4:30PM, Lindsay, still sight unseen, gets out of her old room, and makes it clear that she won’t be filming much today.

And this is where the drama starts, because, Matt the Assistant, has taken all the checks Lindsay needs to get her apartment down to her realtor, Cash — Cash? Really? — and yet Cash has no keys. Then, three of the checks to Cash go missing because the executives at Pilgrim, who are paying for the new apartment, are not letting Lindsay move until they get a guarantee she’ll film.

And so suddenly she’s there, filming, with Daddy, Michael Lohan. Now, to be fair, part of the reason Lindsay might be hiding out is that, on the day of filming, she learns her mother had been arrested for DUI the night before, and Lindsay, who knows all about DUI and arrests, probably wants to have a Dine-free episode. But I kinda get the feeling Dina planned the DUI to get some screen time, you know, like Lindsay visiting her at home where Dina sits in a dark room, smoking a cigar and stroking a white cat, and bemoaning all the people who are out to get her.

But this is Lindsay not Dina so we get no Dina!

Lindsay, now able to understand that the apartment is paid for because she agreed to a reality show docu-series, has agreed to film at a pizza place, with her father, where he talks about whether or not she’ll be able to help him buy the $40,000 car he promised her younger brother, Cody, but hasn’t been able to get just yet. 

That’s a father for you; your daughter is fresh from her sixth, or is it seventh, time in rehab, so why not hit her up for a loan to buy a car for your son.

Lindsay, though, dogs her dad for being a Bad Dad, to which he responds that he bought Ali an apartment — possibly with Lindsay's money — and Cody will get the car, if Lindsay coughs up some OWN money first. As for Lindsay, well, she paid her own way because she was pimped out by her family, and, besides, he has two other kids, by two other women, to support — at which point Lindsay says she doesn’t want to hear about his “two other random f**king kids.” 

Probably because if she does, Michael will ask her to buy them cars, too.

Still, as much as you say about jailbird Michael Lohan, drunk in public Michael Lohan, deadbeat dad, Michael Lohan, at least he and Lindsay seem to have an adult relationship, where they talk to one another and don’t just spout something they stole form a Hallmark card a la Dina “Has anyone seen my box of wine?” Lohan.

But, Michael does piss Lindsay off because he brings up her old assistant, and partying buddy, Gavin, and the news that Lindsay was out the other night with Gavin. Lindsay, still sailing on De Nile — which ain’t that river in Egypt, y’all — maintains that just because you hang around partying and drugging friends doesn’t mean you’ll relapse.

Maybe not, but would you let a drug addict sleep at Pfizer, or let an alcoholic live at a winery?

Next up, Lohan meets her professional life coach, personal trainer, AJ Johnson, who is all Paid Guru Oprah. She has scented oils for Lindsay and daily affirmations for Lindsay, and a list of cards for Lindsay to read each day; a little something to work on.

The first card Lindsay pulls is called “Purity” and keeping your body and living space fresh and clean. Um, has she seen Lohan’s hotel room, er, hoarder room? Even Lindsay laughs at that. Next up, they close their eyes and play pick a word: Ocean or pool? Ocean! Love or be loved? Love.

It’s all very Oprah on A Dime. And very boring.

Luckily, we get lunch, and a chase by paparazzi through New York; and a trick by Matt the Assistant to use a cab to block the road from Paps On Bikes™ which fails miserably. They follow Lohan to a restaurant, where she and AJ will pray and eat salads and talk life, but, and this is a not nice view of the papparazi, as Lindsay enters the restaurant, you can hear one of the photographers saying, “Smilin’ bitch.” Now that would be hard to take, but then, well, it’s Lohan and she kinda brought a lot of this shiz on herself.

Then she gets smart and tells the photographers that she’ll let them snap her picture after she smokes in her car if they’ll leave her alone after that; suddenly everyone’s nice and it’s all Have a nice day and After you, No after you and Chip’n’Dale.

Finally, as the episode closes, the production company has rereleased the checks — under the assurance that, when Lindsay gets the keys to her apartment, she will fulfill her obligation to be filmed by the reality show docu-series crew — and after Lindsay present two letters about employment and business references — which make me wonder if pimp letters count as business references — she gets the keys to a beautiful tri-plex in SoHo. 

Dressed in hillbilly chic, Lindsay tours the apartment, glad to have a home again, and swears that the chaos that hotel living brings her will end now that she has her own space. And she can move on and get healthy and stay sober and not go nuts.

Until next week, when Lindsay again refuses to film, her assistant threatens to quit, and The Big O swoops in on her magic carpet for a sit-down