I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

There is talk that Charlie Sheen has stabilized somewhat since his last breakdown; you know, when he was fired from his millions-of-dollars-a-week TV show, and took his crazy on a tour that fizzled and failed as soon as it started. But then FX brought in a dump-truck full of cash and a new show, Anger Management, was born.

But since he met his future ex-wife, the porn star Brett Rossie, he has ALLEGEDLY gone off the rails. Again. The moment he met this I-Get-Paid-To-F**k-Strangers-On-Video star, Charlie stopped production on his show, fired his management team, evicted two of his former wives and baby mama’s from their homes, and got engaged. And now he’s back to missing work again, which is what started the whole, say Goodbye to 2.5 Men money mess to begin with.

According to sources — and it might be Lohan since she was a guest on the show and a trainwreck in her own right — Charlie’s absences have forced Lionsgate — the show’s studio — to push production schedules back and to use stand-ins for Charlie in certain scenes. And now many in the Anger cast are so, well, angry that they are threatening to stop working if the absences persist.

A Lionsgate spokesperson declined to comment on the situation, and Sheen’s publicist, Jeff Ballard — who, let’s not forget, gets a percentage of Sheen’s money — denies the show ever used stand-ins or shot around Sheen:

“We did not shoot last week because another member of the cast was sick. Charlie is always ready, willing and able to shoot Anger Management and looks forward to returning on Monday.”

Ready, willing and able, but he doesn’t seem to say Charlie was actually there. Still, it would behoove Charlie to stick it out. See, Charlie took a pay cut — to just $100,000 per episode — in exchange for 40% of the show’s profits in syndication, and he’s already show 65 of the contracted 100 episodes. If he makes it to the full order, he’ll be making enough money to bathe in cocaine and hookers for the rest of his life.

If.

Okay, so Dayanara Torres used to be Missus Marc Anthony before he dumped her ass to marry the bigger ass — JLo — who would become the next Missus Marc Anthony and the next ex-Missus Marc Anthony.

But this is all about Dayanara. See, last year she decided to play the Ex-Wife Lotto and filed papers asking that her child support be raised from $13,000 a month — AKA $156,000 annually — to  $113,000 a month — AKA $1,356,000 annually — because Anthony children are expensive. Or something.

Dayanara cried that Marc makes over a million dollars a month, so $113,000 isn’t so much to ask, and they’re still duking it out in court because, well, now Marc also has those Jello Kids to support as well, and you just KNOW Jennifer Lopez ain’t doing it on 13G’s a month!

Dayanara recently claimed in court that she was so hard up for money that she had to sell her house and move into an apartment in the Valley, but Marc Anthony has a whole different story about why Dayanara fled Beverly Hills.

He says part of her problems stem from the fact that she was banging a married guy and when this guy’s wife found out, she showed up to Dayanara’s house in Beverly Hills and started calling Dayanara  a “Whore” — over a bullhorn, no less!

Well, the scorned wife showed up regularly at Dayanara’s house — and Marc Anthony even admits to sending his security people over there — and that’s why Dayanara moved; not because it’s hard to raise two children on $13,000 a month.

Dayanara denies that the Bullhorn-whore drama ever happened.

Rich people problems. Well, rich people with sluts for ex-wives problems, I guess.

A while back the Chipotle restaurant chain came up with an interesting Scarecrow commercial about their food being all fresh and stuff and enlisted the help of Frank Ocean to sing a song — a cover of “Pure Imagination” — in the animated piece. Chipotle advanced Ocean the sum of $212,500, with the promise of an additional $212,500 after he finished the song.

Well, Frank never recorded the song, and left the project because he thought it was a campaign to promote responsible farming and didn’t like that Chipotle was going to stamp their logo at the very end of the ad.

What? They put their logo on a commercial? Yeah, so Frank walked and Fiona Apple came in to sing the song and the commercial was a big beautiful hit for Chipotle. Only, now they want their money back from Ocean, and when he didn’t return it they filed a lawsuit.

So, Frank decided it would be best to save himself some hefty lawyer fees — because you know he would have lost the case — and he mailed a cashier’s check for $212,500 to Chipotle with that message in the memo line:

It was, and I’ll say it, quite the Chris Brown thing to do, you know, like after Chris Brown got through slapping Ocean in that LA parking lot last year.

Just sayin’.

So, did anyone see Justin Bieber’s tough guy, thug boy taped deposition in that lawsuit filed against him for ALLEGEDLY sending his bodyguards to beat someone up because they called the Biebs a sissy or something?

He pouted, rolled his eyes, made fun of his attorney, and snapped his fingers when someone mentioned Selena Gomez, his on-again-off-again-on-again codependent girlfriend who just left rehab because of her Biebs addiction.

Now Justin has been Tweeting about being harassed at his deposition because he was ::::gasp:::: asked questions! He’s the victim here and lawyers are questioning him! He says the deposition tapes were a set-up to make him look bad but he doesn’t seem to realize that it was his own behavior — that of a petulant little boy — that did him in.

And he wants it to end! Y’hear? He’s a busy boy. There’s Sizzurp to chug and mop buckets top piss in and fans to spit on.

The best part of all, though, was Justin’s Freudian slip: when asked if Usher discovered him and was “instrumental” to his career, Bieber took all the credit, with one slip-up:

“I was found on YouTube. I think I was detrimental to my own career.”

Detrimental! Loving it!

So, Lindsay Lohan may have already run through the $2 million Oprah gave her last summer for that reality show docu-series so she needs to find some cash quick, or else go back to working the streets.

There was talk that she was shopping around a book if she could get a $5 million dollar deal, but most sane people realized that any publisher worth their salt wouldn’t pay Lohan $5 million so she could pay someone to write her “story.”

Now, though, she seems to realize that maybe she ought to name names if she wants the big check, so, one night, while barhopping with friends, Lohan sat down and wrote about all the one-night stands, er, boyfriends, um, johns, okay,  customers she’s had over the years and it reads like a Who’s Who and What The Hell Did They Bang Her For? of Hollywood.

In Touch has exclusively obtained a handwritten list, penned Lohan herself, exposing 36 of her famous lovers, the likes of which include — and I'll describe their Lohan Encounters by their film or musical works — Adam Levine: I wonder if he Moves Like Jagger? Zac Efron: High School Musical; Justin Timberlake: Cry Me a River; and Joaquin Phoenix: Walk The Line..

Also named on the list are Colin Farrell: talk about a Fright Night: Evan Peters: a real American Horror Story: Asylum; Wilmer Valderrama: I'm thinking Unaccompanied Minors: and Heath Ledger: The Dark [k]Night.

And then there’s Lukas Haas: which, knowing Lohan, might have been While She Was Out; Jamie Dornan: Fifty Shades of What The Hell Am I Doing? Garrett Hedlund: Death Sentence. And James Franco? Okay, Franco I believe, because you know he went home and wrote a poem.

Anyway, it’s all some tired attempt by Lindsay to spark interest in her, because nothing says that’s a good book like I fucked just about everybody and nothing says this girl is a great actress like She banged Joaquin Phoenix.

If you were thinking that Lady Gaga is just about over, here’s some more evidence that she’s passed her sell-by date:

She created a foundation, naturally named after one of her hit songs, or is it her one hit song, Born This Way, and the Born This Way Foundations mission statement is “to foster a more accepting society, where differences are embraced and individuality is celebrated.” That’s pretty, but loosely translated it means, “lawyers get money.”

See, in 2012, the Born This Way Foundation claimed $2.1 million in net assets and brought in $2.6 million in donations. But a giant chunk of that money went to paying off lawyers, consultants, publicists, travel expenses and all sorts of other stuff, perhaps, like giant shoes and stupid hats. The total spent on expenses was about $1.5 million and the total spent on actual charity, i.e. the mission statement, was $5,000; it went down like this:

$406,552 – legal fees
$300,000 – strategic development
$150,000 – philanthropic consulting
$348,000 – bus-tour productions
$77,923 – travel
$60,000 – research
$58,678 – publicity
$50,000 – social media development
$47,825 – meeting and event coordination
$5,000 – grants to organizations or individuals

And apparently there is a category marked “other” and those expenses — and you can just imagine what those might be — totaled some $808,661.

Now, a spokestool  for the Born This Way Foundation says their mission, er, goal, isn’t to give grants, but to raise “awareness” like when they say they taught 19,000 kids about “civic engagement” during their bus tour last summer.

Methinks it’s time Lady Gaga went back to her real name, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, and reinvented herself as an actress and guest-stars on Two and a Half Men as Ashton Kutcher’s newest love interest.

Of course, you just know she’d drop the Stefani Joanne and call herself Angelina Germanotta.