All right, so the Oscars, huh? I used to call them the Gay Superbowl, but now I think of them as Game 7 of the Gay World Series, with all the previous awards shows as games 1 through 6. Plus, really, the Tony Awards are seriously the Gayest Show On Earth so they deserve the title Gay Superbowl.
But I digress.
And at least Oscar asked Gay Host Ellen DeGeneres back for a second time, even if it was seven years later. I like Ellen; she’s like the master of TV hosts, cute, funny, but not really harmful. I loved that she joked about the bad weather in LA with their few days of rain, and then said, Thank you for your prayers. I liked that; I didn’t like the old age joke she made about nominee for Nebraska June Squibb, pretending that because Squibb is eighty-four that she must be hard of hearing.
I did like the joke she made about Drag Queen Liza — Thank you, sir — because it was funny and because no self-respecting Liza Drag Queen would leave the house looking as ragged as Real Liza last night.
I loved the cracks about the Jennifer Lawrence fall on the stairs at last year’s show, especially after seeing JLaw fall on the Red Carpet last night. Maybe that’s her “thing”? But what was with the stage full of what looked like plastic blow-up Oscars? That seemed kinda weird, no?
Anne Hathaway, looking as smug as she did last year when she won, trots out to present OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR to Jared Leto. He was brilliant in Dallas Buyer’s Club; if anyone was able to watch him in at least two of his scenes and not shed a tear, you’re a better man than I. plus, he’s gorgeous. And his speech was gorgeous; what he said about his mother, how he thanked people, and how he ended:
This is for the 36 million people who have lost the battle to AIDS and to those of you out there who have ever felt injustice because of who you are or who you love, tonight I stand here in front of the world with you and for you.
Ellen’s selfies of her face as she looked at the sea of movie stars was hilarious. As was Jim Carrey and his LSD animation confusion, and that wicked Bruce Dern impression … to Bruce Dern!
Kerry Washington comes out to introduce Pharrell to sing his Oscar nominated song “Happy” from Despicable Me, Too. Infectious tune, but thankfully he changed out of his tuxedo shorts, and sadly, into his Grammy hat’s second cousin. Still, watching him get Lupita Nyong’o, Meryl Streep and Amy Adams top dance with him was cool.
Naomi Watts and Samuel L. Jackson: ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN goes to Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby and all I could think was that, for a costume designer, she’s got the most hideous dress on—yes, even worse than Liza’s—and a pair of clunky shoes. Girl, please. ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP AND HAIR: Adrutha Lee and Robin Mathews for Dallas Buyers’ Club and they, too, come onstage looking like they know nothing about hair and makeup. What gives?
Harrison Ford, looking old, older, oldest, trots out to introduce clips from the first three of the nine Best Picture nominees: American Hustle — seen it, high-larious; Dallas Buyers Club — seen it, great performances; and The Wolf of Wall Street — haven’t seen it; Jonah Hill. That's all.
Luckily this is over and Beefcake Channing Tatum comes out to introduce the winners of an Oscar competition for short — not in stature but in film length — filmmaking. Still, it’s just about Channing.
Ellen returns with some scratcher Lottery tickets for Bradley Cooper. That joke fell fla-a-a-a-t.
Then we are introduced to Matthew McConaughey and Kim Novak. Kim Novak whose face has been ravaged by plastic surgery and who seems unable to speak or think or act quickly at all; she makes an obligatory Magic Mike joke to McConaughey and then BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM goes to Mr. Hublot. Some more painful banter, and then BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM goes to Frozen, which, sadly, was not a cartoon about Kim Novak’s face and the fact that it didn’t move a millimeter from the lower lip up.
Sally Field is next in a Dress Too Big; no, that’s not her next film, that’s just fashion commentary. She introduces a clip of the night’s theme movies: Everyday heroes. M’kay. Mercifully that ends quickly and we get hottie Joseph Gordon Leavitt and Emma Watson. ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS: Gravity.
They’re followed by Zac Efron, he of The Too Short Pants and The Messed Up My Intro, to give us the next nominated song, “The Moon Song” from Her, sung by Karen O. Wow. Cool background of the moonrise, but that song was a snooze.
Kate Hudson and Jason “Dimples” Sudeikis are out next. BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM: Helium. And then BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT: The Woman in Number 6.
Ellen is back out in the crowd, doing an “Is anybody hungry” bit that fell flatter than the Lottery Scratch Off bit a few minutes earlier. Now, I’m worrying about Ellen.
But that subsides soon because Bradley Cooper — possibly The Most Beautiful Man Ever — is onstage for BEST DOCUMENTARY: 20 Feet from Stardom, about backup singers. For some reason, Darlene Love, backup singer extraordinaire is onstage, though not a winner, and given the microphone to, I dunno, audition for something. She got a standing ovation but it just seemed weird to me.
Kevin Spacey — so not gay — announces the recipients of the Governor’s Awards, Angela Lansbury, Steve Martin, and costumer Piero Tosi, and the Jean Herscholt Humanitarian recipient Angelia Jolie who, in a piece from the ceremony last month, gives an emotional testament to her mother. I am so Team Jolie. In the audience Brad kisses Angie’s cheek; I love them. I could be the meat in a Jolie-Pitt sandwich … hold the Jolie.
Ewan McGregor and Viola Davis present BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM to Italy for The Great Beauty, and then Tyler Perry — seriously, Tyler Madea Perry — is out to introduce the next three Best Picture nominees, Nebraska — haven’t seen it, though the clip of June Squibb flashing that grave marker looks fun — and Her — I can’t with Joaquin Phoenix — and Gravity — seen it, loved it.
Brad Pitt is next — is it me, or is he getting so much bigger and more manly every year because he is a mountain of a man and I’d like to climb him — to introduce U2 and their Oscar nominated song, “Ordinary Love” from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. U2. As usual, they rocked the house dooooown.
Ellen is back in the crowd doing a really uncomfortable selfies with Liza. Liza. Poor Liza. Then she gets Meryl and JLaw and Bradley and Brad and Angie and Lupita and Julia and Chiwetel and Channing to pose for a selfies to see how many times it can be reTweeted. That was fun, spontaneous or not.
Michael B. Jordan and Kristen Bell come out to talk about the Science Awards. The Science Awards? Okay, I guess it’s for all the technology used in filmmaking but it was kind of a snooze except Michael B. is adorable.
Until we get Chris Hemsworth — who may have just overtaken Bradley Cooper as The Most Beautiful Man Ever — with Charlize Theron. Man, a God and Goddess. Hot God, too. ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING: Gravity. And ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING: Gravity, too. But I’m still wondering what it might be like to be Hemsworthy, if you get my meaning.
Christoph Waltz is next, and there is something old school adorable about him, and kind of nerdy hot, too. OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Lupita Nyong’o. She jumps up and hugs Steve McQueen, her director, then turns to hug Brad Pitt, who produced 12 Years when she is bear-hugged by a clearly lost Liza Minnelli. WTF Liza! This is Lupita’s moment, sit down. She … I mean Lupita … was so brilliant in 12 Years a Slave. And what a lovely speech for a woman who won her first Oscar for the first film she ever made. I know!
Pizza break! The “Who’s hungry” joke was bad, but the arrival of the pizza, with Ellen and the delivery driver passing it around, while Brad Pit handed out plates, was truly hilarious. Of course, I imagine that everyone really was hungry by then. Everyone but Leo DiCaprio, who doesn’t seem to own a funny bone, because when he’s asked if he wants pizza he seems stunned and says, “No.” Jared takes a piece for his Mama, Kerry takes a piece for her baby, and Martin Scorsese takes two pieces an almost drops one in his lap.
Ellen then asks for money to pay for the food, and looks to Sandra Bullock who ALLEGEDLY, because she got a piece of the profits from Gravity, made $70 million dollars on the movie, to pay the tab. Later on Ellen returns to the crowd with Pharrell’s hat and takes up an actual collection — along with a $40 tip from Kevin Spacey.
Amy Adams and Bill Murray are out for ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY, and before announcing the winner — Gravity — Bill makes note of recently departed Harold Ramis and all his work. They’re followed by Anna Kendrick — I have no idea who she is, or what she was in — and the wonderful Gabourey Sidibe: ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING Gravity, too.
Whoopi is next, talking up the 75th Anniversary of the release of The Wizard of Oz, and she shows off her own Ruby Stilettos and Striped Wicked Witch Socks before introducing Judy Garland’s three kids, Liza, Lorna Luft — in a Giant Emerald City balloon of a dress — and Joey Luft, looking like the valet for the show. Luckily, none of them were allowed to speak, and instead we get Pink doing a beautiful version of “Over the Rainbow” to a standing ovation.
Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch, ACHIEVEMENT IN PRODUCTION DESIGN: The Great Gatsby. And then we get Chris Evans with a beard — and I don’t mean the Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes beard, but actual facial hair. Hot. And we get more film heroes. M’kay-y-y-y.
Glenn Close is out next for the Dead Parade, AKA In Memoriam. Luckily this year saw less Whose Death Was The Hardest, Show Us By Applause bit. But then we got Bette Midler singing “The Wind Beneath My Wings” after. It would have been better had she sung it while the footage played, but, again, I wasn’t asked to produce or direct the Oscars this year.
Goldie Hawn — proof, to anyone who wonders, that some women cannot age gracefully — is out to introduce the last three Best Picture nominees: Philomena — loves me some Dench but haven’t seen it — Captain Phillips — doubt I’ll see it — and 12 Years a Slave — brutal and breathtaking film.
Next up are disco lights and out comes John Travolta in a new black rug. As the applause dies down, he inexplicably says, “Thank you, I love you,” and then announces the next nominated song, “Let It Go” from Frozen. He starts by telling us he loves a good musical — go figure — and then introduces the wickedly talent Adele Dazim. Adele Dazim, for those of you who are not Broadway show queens a la Travolta, is actually Idina Menzel, and Mister Show Queen f**ked up her name. He had one task, and this is what he does, but maybe there was a masseur backstage and he wanted to get his grope on. Just sayin’.
Luckily, when Ellen came back out she called Idina by her correct name. Note to producers: next year, less Travolta. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, we next get Jamie “I love myself so much” Foxx and Jessica “They call me Mr. Timberlake” Biel. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: Gravity. And then BEST ORIGINAL SONG: “Let It Go” from Frozen.
As we near the three hour mark, Robert De Niro and Penelope Cruz are out; BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: John Ridley, 12 Years a Slave. He looks angry and I don’t know why, but then he walks right past director Steve McQueen — who doesn’t bother looking at him — and stops to hug Brad Pitt — lucky bastard — and then Chiwetel Ejiofor — lucky bastard — before heading to the stage to thank everyone but Steve McQueen. I smell a feud!
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY goes to Spike Jonze for Her and I am so happy because he is just about the most adorable man ever. Literally, too cute for words. Totes adorbs. And now I’m a fourteen year old girl. Oy.
Angelina Jolie brings out Sidney Poitier to present BEST DIRECTOR. It’s sad, because he has difficulty walking and speaking and this doesn’t seem like way to honor him, it just seems uncomfortable. Still, the award goes to Alfonso Cuarón who gives a lovely speech in that lovely accent.
And finally, the Big Three:
Daniel Day-Lewis, my Husband-In-My-Head, I’ve seen every single film he’s ever made, presents OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS to Cate Blanchett. Her speech is nice, she seems shocked, though she’s an actress so I dunno how real it was, but then makes a crack to Julia Roberts like “Hashtag Suck it.” I have no idea why or what it means, but there you have it.
Jennifer Lawrence walks carefully onstage to present OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR to Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyer’s Club. He wasn’t my pick; I though Chiwetel Ejiofor was amazing in !2 Years but McConaughey’s speech about Looking up to something — God — and Looking forward to something — his family — and what he’s chasing — himself ten years from now — was a really great speech.
And then, the BEST PICTURE went to 12 Years a Slave, and director Steve McQueen dedicated the honor to those who suffered slavery and "the 21 million who still endure slavery today."
Fairly cut and dry; the winners fell just like everyone predicted so there were no real surprises. I did just love Jared Leto’s speech and Lupita’s, too.
Ellen was good, though I like a little more edge in my hosts. Someone to nudge the stars a bit. Or Hugh Jackman singing and dancing.
Enough with the Oscar Themes; last night it was heroes and there were tributes to movie heroes throughout the night but those just waste time.
And while I loves me some Midler we could have done without her song and been in bed a few minutes earlier.
Was I the only one who wondered about the smile, the No Teeth Smile, on Sandra Bullock’s face all night, even when Gravity won something? What was that?
Hottest Guy: Chris Hemsworth
Cutest Guy: Spike Jonze
Most Annoying Guy: Will Smith, whose ascot wearing self was shown at the end of almost ever Hero Salute. And for what reason.
New Rule: No old-timers if they have trouble walking and/or talking. it wa struly uncomfortable seeing the once formidable Poitier stumbling and mumbling, and I still cannot erase Kim Novak's frozen chipmunk cheeks from my brain.
What did YOU think?