Lindsay Ep 3: The Little Things ... Followed By The Big Thing

It is now in Day 56 of Lindsay Out of Rehab, and she is finally moving into her new apartment where she says the chaos will end and the calm and the process of living sober will begin.

Hardly. What actually begins is the unpacking, and unpacking and unpacking; ten years worth of the clothes and shoes and trinkets that Lindsay thinks she needs to create a safe haven. Things; stuff; belongings. Things little girls think are important, and nowhere else does she appear like a little girl as when she says she wants to decorate the apartment, and then hangs a necklace from the thermostat.

“It’s the little things.”

That’s what drives the drama this week: the little things, but the little things mount up into big things and then the Big Thing Comes To Town.

Lindsay’s assistant, apparently now dubbed First Assistant, Matt Harrell complains on-camera that he cannot help Lindsay unless he can talk to her five minutes every morning and five minutes every evening. That’s all he wants; five little minutes.

Now, I’m not liking Matt; he seems like an opportunist and a user; I get the vibe that Matt thinks this is his big break — being on a Lindsay reality show docu-series on OWN — and he’ll do anything to stay there; I get the vibe that he’s less about assisting than he is about auditioning. It’s a little thing.

Lindsay’s sober coach, however, Michael Cormier, does seem to want to help, at least to keep the chaos at bay — “I’m just trying to do the best I can to ritualize her day a little bit in this newly-chaotic period, and that has been not easy.” — yet he, whose job it is to help her manage a sober life — a not-so-little thing — is also tasked with unpacking. The man whose job is to help her navigate through the chaos towards a calm place of no drink and drunks, is now holding her panties and asking where they go.

And so, since we need to bring the chaos down a notch, let’s throw in another, second, assistant, Hollie Taylor, a perky English girl that Lindsay met through her father when he met the Brits’ boyfriend at a rehab facility. And she’s there, not because Lindsay doesn’t like or trust Matt, but because girl’s know how girl’s fold clothes. Or something.

We also see Lindsay’s driver, Steven Rodriguez, who’s been driving her for over a year, minus those three months in rehab, because Lindsay likes that he drives fast because she's always late; and add in the "life" coach, and actress, AJ Johnson — who, I’m guessing, is also using this as an audition. It’s a little chaotic, no?

And that’s where the drama starts because, once again, Lindsay has said she won’t film. Out of the twelve days shooting so far, Lohan has been late or cancelled seven days, and reality show docu-series director Amy Rice isn’t happy:

 “I just get random texts with all these random demands.”

After a call to the big boss at Pilgrim Film and TV, Craig Piligian, the crew is finally allowed into the apartment and will be able to film that day … if they help Lindsay unpack. And so they did and we got to see Lindsay and First Assistant Matt argue about things not getting done; Matt says it’s because he cannot talk to Lindsay for ten minutes a day and she says she feels like she works for him, because he comes with all these demands:

“Today wasn’t about you needing time, it was about me needing time. And all due respect, and not to be nasty, I feel like this is a role reversal and I’m working for you. I can’t be present for you if I can’t be present for myself.”

She sounds like she’s quoting from the Oprah Handbook on Platitudes. Lohan goes on to accuse Matt of having his own personal issues — maybe I was right about this being an audition — and said that he was “projecting” on her. And i get the sense that Matt saw an end to his time in Lohan Land coming, because he instantly went on-camera to say that Lindsay was just letting off some steam and so he would stay. He likes the chaos and drama, too, I think.

The next day, following a coat-over-the-head-to-avoid-the-paparazzi run into a restaurant, Lindsay meets with life coach A.J. Johnson to complain about the whole reality show docu-series nonsense:

“This was supposed to be something real and gritty and cool and normal. I don’t want all the negative sh*t that’s going on and the stress that might show through on camera because that’s not fair, because that’s all [viewers] will see.”

But, um, that’s the real stuff; the stress of finding your way through life sober is what this show is supposed to be; not a Look At All Of Lindsay’s Crap-stravaganza. She’s a good talker, saying what she thinks she should say about a show on OWN, but in reality, Lindsay. I think, thrives on the chaos and the drama and the stuff.

She channels her inner Oprah to tell AJ that her recovery process was “sacred” and then becomes angry when AJ asked what that meant, because clearly Lohan was just spouting more O Words and has no idea what they mean. Sacred. Spiritual. A place of peace. But, she does explain that she is struggling with the idea that OWN, and, in effect, Oprah, want a show about recovery and Pilgrim, and Amy Rice, want a show about drama. But isn’t that what she gives us, by not showing up, by creating the drama, by showing us her stuff, by all the hoarding? She doesn’t seem to realize that the drama is not created by the film crew; it’s created by her and her need to be surrounded by things and people and chaos, all the time:

“I thought I could handle it more, and I can’t, in terms of coming straight out of treatment and starting a show right away. I’m feeling a little bit like I’m slipping… Nothing is more important than my sobriety and being happy and feeling the way I felt two months ago when I started with this.”

And then it’s back to chaos and closet organizers and fights about keys being copied and clothes in the hallway and color coordinating and folding clothes in the hallway. I actually saw a department store sunglasses stand — the revolving kind — on the floor just overflowing with sunglasses; who needs all that? Then there were plastic display boxes of bras and underwear all over the place; who needs all that?

Lindsay does, because it isn’t sobriety and health that she seeks; it’s things and people and attention and drama; she thinks she finds peace and sobriety in stuff and people, but the stuff and the people are just reminders of what she was once, and isn’t now.

Enter The Big Thing; Oprah has come to town for a “scheduled check-in” with Lohan at Dina’s house, and has learned about all the complaints from Piligian and Pilgrim:

“This is exactly what everyone said was going to happen, and I believed differently… I think what’s missing is she doesn’t understand, this is your life. This is your life. This is life.”

Ah, the patented Oprah Winfrey Repeat a Phrase Until You’ve Beaten It Into The Ground.

And so, O meets with Lindsay and Dina and Dina’s mother and Dina is just giddy that Oprah Winfrey is in her home; I’ve a feeling Dina will never let anyone sit on the couch, where Oprah parked her behind, ever again. It will be The Dina Lohan Oprah Sat Her Ass On sofa.

But, luckily, Dina is shooed away and Oprah and Lindsay have a talk. Oprah tells Lindsay that she's heard stories; she tells Lindsay if she isn’t ready to do this then they’ll pull the plug — and possibly sue for some of that two million back. But Lindsay, looking a wee bit heavy-lidded and high, says, “It’s not that I’m not ready… It’s been hard for me to get accustomed to filming a documentary.”

Hold up, actress, Oprah should have said, though she did remind Lohan that she knows how filming works, and how, if she cancels, it costs people time and money. But what i guess Lindsay doesn't know is that this image of a Lohan who doesn't want to film, who cancels shoots and photography sessions at the last minute, is the Lindsay Lohan Hollywood knows. And she doesn't quite get that Hollywood ain';t gonna come callin' if you cost so much extra money because you can't, or won't, get your ass to work and honor your commitments.

But that comment only sparked the, Are you drinking? No. Are you taking Adderall? No. I heard you were out in a club? No. Oprah reminds Lohan that there are people who want her to win, and people who want her to fail, and she need not focus on the ‘haters’.

“You need to focus on that and not on the naysayers and the haters… The vultures are waiting to pick your bones. They want to pick your bones. Pick your bones. Your bones they want to pick. Pick your bones. Pick. Bones Vultures.”

She may not have said it like that exactly, but I know she said vultures and bones about ten times each. Oprah does know how to drive home a point … with a sledgehammer. And then she ends it all by going all street on Lohan’s ass.

“You’re not going to be f**cking up. You need to cut the bullsh*t. You really do.”

I never thought we’d hear Oprah Winfrey drop an f-bomb on TV, but then I never thought we’d see Oprah Winfrey on Team Lohan.

My take? Lindsay needs to toss things, and by things I mean clothes and cheap necklaces and assistants and parents, and some friends, out of her life. She needs to sit with her sober coach; she needs AA, everyday; she needs less changing her clothes and hair and makeup for each separate sit-down; she needs less. She needs to realize that this little show on OWN might be her last chance to show Hollywood that she's a viable commodity and not just some drink- and drug-addled starlet who'll end up costing them more than she makes.

Next week? More chaos and bullsh*t. Surprise! And Oprah has a sit down with Dina.