Monday, March 03, 2014

Oscar Fashion: The Women, From The Best of the Best to the Worst of the Worst ... and Everything In Between

BEST OF THE BEST
Lupita Nyong'o: the girl kills it every time. The color, the pleats, the way it moved, the ahir and the headband. Everything. Perfection.
BEST
Cate Blanchett: when you know, and believe me , she knew, you're going to win an Oscar this is how you dress.
BEST
Sandra Bullock: and when you know this isn't your year to win an Oscar, this is how you dress.
BEST
Amy Adams: Sure, maybe it was a little plain, but this fit her like a glove and is a gorgeous color.
BEST
Angelina Jolie. it might seem a bit staid, and a bit Old Hollywood, but with Angie in it, it brings some Sexy Classy Back.
BEST
The Divine Miss M, Bette Midler, looked absolutely stunning last night. This dress is age appropriate but still gorgeous and sexy and, well, divine.
BEST
Kate Hudson knows how to rock a dress and last night was no exception. My only complaint? It looks like Kate has a thing for Botox because her face is starting to resemble her jacked=up Mama's face ... which we'll see later.
BEST
Meryl Streep. Sure, it's not fancy or glittery or sexy, but this is Meryl F**king Streep people and she doesn't have to do any of that to look beautiful.
BEST
Portia de Rossi, AKA Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres, looks stunning. Normally patterns look kind of wack ... and I'm talking to you Christy Teigen ... but this one works.
BEST
June Squibb looked perfectly beautiful. there was glitz and there was glam but it doesn't look like she bought it at Forever 91.
BEST UNKNOWN
Bond girl Olga Kurylenko. I don't know who she is, but she looks faboosh. Shaken, not stirred.
BEST ACCESSORY
For Angelina, it's Brad, and for Brad, it's Angelina. These two know how to arrive in style and stay in style.
BEST BABY BUMP
Kerry Washington looks every bit as sexy as some of those skinny girls in this beautifully draped dress.
BEST BABY BUMP
Olivia Wilde, whose dress seemed kind of plain until she turned around and there was a cool white stripe down the back. Pepe Le Pew? Hardly.
FACE
Goldie Hawn is seventy years old and still wears that teenage girl blond 'do. Make it stop! And stop with the Botox and the fillers and whatever you're done to your face. Stop.
FACE
Jada Pinkett Smith. It's hard to tell which is pulled tighter, the face or the dress. But at least the dress comes off at night.
MEH
Jessica Biel was at the Oscars though I have no idea why. And I have no idea why she chose this boring number that looks like the sequined overlay is a tad bit short.
MEH
Camila Alves. it's just way too much fabric and too heavy looking. I've seen sofa slipcovers with more life.
MEH
Charlize Theron. This looked like a best dressed winner to me until i got a look at those illusion straps. The way the black straps just stop looks wack-a-do; had they been pulled up to her shoulders, and then illusion down the back, Charlize would have been one of the Best.
MEH
Emma Watson is a true fashion girl but this dress is just plain boring. Expecto Patronum!
MEH
Jennifer Garner. The fringe is cool, but the top just looks like a pretty soccer Mom tank. And it tanks the whole look.
MEH
Jennifer Lawrence. This is just boring; a stiff red column of a dress with a couple of saddlebags on the sides acting like a peplum. No.
MEH
Kristen Bell said she wore this dress because she was there for the movie Frozen. Oh, I get it, icy and cold and drab, and it looks like it's starting to defrost..
MEH
Naomi Watts in a pretty, but really just a plain, white dress. The necklace was a cool touch but you couldn't see it very well on the dress.
MEH
Penelope Cruz. remember when JLaw wore that sheet-looking dress to the Golden Globes? This is its Ugly Stepsister.
WORST
Anna Kendrick is trying to do The Jolie Leg from two years ago and doesn't realize that trend is over. The weird netting is, well, weird; pick one kind of mesh and stick with it, don't go mix-and-match on Oscar night.
WORST
Christy Teigen is a model, and I know some models who wear fur get blood thrown at them, but I never knew a model in an ugly dress would get paint splattered. Note to Christy: see Portia de Rossi to see how print is done.
WORST
Glenn Close looks like Grandma at a Fancy Dress Funeral. It's way too severe. But then i read that it's a bolero jacket on top and if she'd just taken that off it would have been a much better, sexier, look. This one deserves a closed casket.
WORST
Anne Hathaway in some kind of Warrior Princess at the Disco looking thing. I guess maybe she thought people were still sick of her and might throw tomatoes she she came armored.
WORST
Idina Menzel, why so angry? Is it because you just realized your stylist put you in a prom dress circa 1984?
WORST
Julia Roberts. Lace? Lace everywhere, as far as the eye can seen. lace insets across the chest that look like a last minute attempt to avid a wardrobe malfunction, and lace peplum, that looks like leftovers from Glenn Close's funeral schmata.
WORST
Sally Hawkins. This is a lesson learned: never, ever, ask your Grandmother if you can borrow a dress fro the Oscars.
WORST OF THE WORST
Liza Minnelli. i don't know what is worse. The color? The shape? The jacked up face or the blue streak in her hair? It might even be the orthopedic shoes.
Liza with a Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz .....
TRY TOO HARD
Let's see, if you're Lady Gaga and your last album tanked and you're not an actress, why not slap on a little ugly, with some mile high shoes, a scarf, and some new Botox and head off to the Oscars.

13 comments:

mistress maddie said...

I knew you would do this!!!! Angelina and Brad are at this point Hollywood royalty to me. She is always stunning. Ellen and Portia looked great! I agree with all your best! Jada's color was perfect, but she is WAY to muscular to wear that style. Her, Camila, and Penelope all looked good in that color, which is going to be huge this spring, but the styles?????? Liza is just plain nuts, she's lost it. Lady Gaga actually looked toned down, most normal I ever seen her. But why was she there???????

Ron said...

Bob,
FABULOUS! Mr. Blackwell lives! Only you're waaaaay better. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I literally did a LAUGH OUT LOUD at your description of Glenn Close's "Grandma at a Fancy Dress Funeral". I'm still smiling. Thanks Bob!

Ron

Raybeard said...

Omg! Liza - what's that? And what are you wearing?

So the Divine Miss M is still alive? Please DO something, at least while you're still with us.

Debbie said...

RIGHT ON AND HILARIOUS AS ALWAYS!!!!
XOXOXO
Deb

Ms Sparrow said...

Since Glenn Close was introducing the memoriams, I thought her dress was appropriate to the occasion. Liza looked like something the cat dragged in and Meryl looked frumpy.I wasn't crazy about Cate Blanchett's dress but I was even less impressed with her acceptance speech. Do you know what all her snarky references were about?

the dogs' mother said...

thank you, thank you - I was hoping you would cover it. ;-)

Sam said...

O.K. here's my thoughts on your list. I too wasn't crazy about Cate's dress. It looked as if she had scaled a great big fish before walking on stage.
Angelina's dress was for an older movie star, she should work it while she has it, gawd forbid she try to wear sexy shit in her 70's
Penelope Cruz was stunning and I felt she looked fab.
Everybody else you mentioned was spot on BUT
How the hell could you not say that Pink was the Grand Ho of the ceremony.
Her and that delicious red sequined dress were the BEST OF THE BEST hands downs.
Oh, and hos need to take notice of Sally Fields and Bette, that my dahling is how you age gracefully.

viktor kerney said...

Why was Lady Gaga there?

Sam said...

Oh and you forgot to address the elephant in the room
Whoopi

Bob Slatten said...

@Sam
I didn't mention Pink because I didn't see her on the carpet, but she was fabulous in ruby red and she sang the hell out of Over the Rainbow!

As for Whoopi, she always gets a pass because she has her own style. She's not trying to be fashion, she's just Whoopi.

@Viktor
That is THE question!

anne marie in philly said...

lupita - such beautiful skin tone; EVERYTHING on her looks great.

anne hathaway - girlfriend needs to eat a couple of sammiches and a large pizza. so NOT healthy looking.

Ashley Moser said...

I loved your personal fashion go through!!! happened to miss the actual Oscars, but I'm pretty sure you gave me every thing I needed to know plus more. You are FANTASTIC my dear Uncle.

Bob Slatten said...

@Ashley
Well, thank you! xoxoxox