I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Crack is wack, and it looks like it might be back.
Fans in England are storming the box office demanding refunds for the latest string of Whitney Houston off-key, scratchy, disjointed concerts there.
Houston, suffering from exhaustion or laryngitis or allergies or mallady-of-the-day, had reviewers reaching for the Thesaurus to describe the horrendous performance she gave in Birmingham:
"Houston, we have a problem."
Houston was "panting more than John Prescott running for the bus," a reference to a well-known, rotund, politician from Wales.
Her Birmingham concerts were first canceled because of respiratory issues--the crack pipe wouldn't light? And then when she finally rescheduled, there were constant water breaks and long chats with the audience so Whitney could catch her breath.
Take a listen to it today:

All in all awful. And sad.

It used to be the voice.

Someone is looking for a part in the sequel.
Avatar star Sigourney Weaver believes James Cameron didn't win the Oscar for Best Director because, wait for it, it's rich, he isn't female. She thinks the Academy wanted to make history by giving Kathryn Bigelow, the first woman to win an Oscar for Best Director, the grand prize. Of course, Siggie Weaver puts it in her own words:
"Jim didn't have breasts, and I think that was the reason. He should have taken home that Oscar. In the past, Avatar would have won because they [the Oscar voters] loved to hand out awards to big productions, like 'Ben-Hur.' Today it's fashionable to give the Oscar to a small movie that nobody saw."
Or maybe to a small film that's just plain, um, I dunno, better?
Siggie? I'm certain you'll be in the sequel so there's really no need to French kiss Cameron's ass.

What do you do when your career is officially over?
Well if you're Steven Seagal, you allegedly drug young girls and turn them into your own personal sex slaves. At least that's the story one young lady is telling.
Kayden Nguyen has filed a $1 million lawsuit against Steven for sexual harassment, claiming she was hired as Seagal's executive assistant last year, to perform mundane secretarial tasks for the has-been actor, but, allegedly, Seagal had other, um, tasks in mind.
According to court documents, Kayden discovered Seagal "had been keeping two young female Russian 'Attendants' on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." When one attendant quit, Kayden was hired to fill the void; or for Seagal to fill her, um, void.
Yeah. I went there. Sue me.
On her first day on the job, Seagal allegedly began by "pushing his hands under her shirt and attempting to fondle her bare breast.” Kayden claims the next morning he then allegedly “forcibly held her legs apart” and “forced his hand down her pants…” The suit then alleges--sheesh so many italics--that a third assault took place several hours later when “Seagal forcibly lifted Ms. Nguyen’s blouse, forced his head on her bare chest and attempted to suck her breasts and nipples. He stopped only when she ran.”
After just three days of, ahem, work, Nguyen left his employ.

A sex slave for Steve Seagal. So many things wrong there.

Tiki Barber is built like a brick s**thouse. A hot brick s**ithouse. But apparently--I've grown weary of allegedly--he's drinking from the same cup as one Tiger Woods or one Jesse James.
See, Tiki and the missus have split up. But the day after he announced that he was leaving his wife, his college sweetheart, who is eight month's pregnant with twins, stories popped up that Tiki's torch was being lit by another, one Traci Lynn Johnson.
Traci Lynn, a former NBC intern--and Tiki works at NBC now--was his assistant at the network when he blogged at the Olympics, and she also travels with him. She had the seat next to him when he hosted a Travel Channel documentary screening, and even posted a picture of herself on her MySpace--Seriously? There are still people on MySpace?--page in a Giants jersey with Barber's number on it.
Still, no one is copping to an affair, and Barber's announcement that he was leaving the mother of his two--soon to be four--children is the typical blabblahblah:
"After 11 years of marriage, Ginny and I have decided to separate. This decision was a painful one, but we are moving forward amicably and will continue to work together to raise our children with the love and dedication they have always known."
Still, if it is true that he's a cheater, Barber, who always seemed like a nice guy, a nice hot guy, also looks like a hypocrite who said this about his father cheating on his mother:
"I don't give a %$#&* that the relationship didn't work. Not only did he abandon her, I felt like he abandoned us for a lot of our lives. I have a hard time forgiving that."
Pot.Kettle.Alleged Cheater.

Oh Oprah.
Kitty Kelley has written one of her "unauthorized" autobiographies on the Big O, and, while some say O has been an O-pen book about her life, there are some secrets she doesn't want y'all to know.
Like, she wasn't as poor as she made herself out to be.
One of O's cousins, Katherine Carr Esters told Kitty Kelley:
“Where Oprah got that nonsense about growing up in filth and roaches I have no idea. I’ve confronted her and asked, ‘why do you tell such lies?’ Oprah told me ‘that’s what people want to hear. The truth is boring.’”
And Kelley also writes about the rumors that swirled--I apparently missed these--about a, um, well, er, relationship between O and Diane Sawyer. Yes! Apparently, employees at ABC told Kelley that O and Diane had "giggly late-night phone calls" and that O gave Diane fabulous gifts like ginormous bouquets of orchids and a one-carat diamond ring. A toe-ring!
And still other sources told Kelley that O once paid an ex-boyfriend $50,000 to keep quiet about her gay brother and her own lesbian affairs. Hello Gayle! Mister Oprah Winfrey. The book even claims that O and her friend, Stedman Graham, do not share a bedroom.
Joo-say.
And there is still another big secret that Kelley is half-sharing: O doesn't know who her real father is; cousin Katherine Carr Esters told Kelley who he is, but made her promise not to publish the information until O's mother tells O the truth.
And then we have Vernon Winfrey, the man who raised the Big O, who has some, well, not so nice things to say about O's husband Gayle King. he calls her a "dirt hog" and "street heifer," and blames King for ruining his relationship with O: "[Oprah] may be admired by the world, but I know the truth. So does god and so does Oprah. Two of us remain ashamed."
Ouch!

This is just plain awful. Awful, and yet somehow, good!
The once almost-Missus Ben Affleck and the current-Missus Ben Affleck might be doing a movie together. Yikes! What kind of mother-effing idea is this?
JLo and JGa--the Jennifer's Lopez and Garner--are supposedly in talks to play, and this is funny, bitter love rivals in a new movie!
Some say coinkydink; some say it'll never happen. But, man, the chats that could go on between scenes with the Two Jennifers:
I think he loved me more.
But he married me.
Do you think he'll ever get over losing Matt Damon?
Could be fun..........if only.

Miss Kenny Chesney was on O and because there really isn't much to ask him when you get past the short and bald questions, O backtracked to the few minutes he spent "married" to Renée Zellweger.
Miss Kenny said: "I panicked…I look at my life as a box. … So everything that I put in — learn how to play guitar, put that in the box. The friends I made. I put that in the box, and my career grew. Everything around me—all of the awards and all of the songs I wrote and all the success and everything — I put in that box. That box built grew into this wonderful house. Okay? And you protect everything and all the relationships and all the people that helped you build that house. And this is the first time I've actually talked about it, but that's what happened. I protected that box. I felt that the idea of marriage made me lose my identity… I just don't know that I've found anybody bigger than that. It was out of the box. Oh my God, but it's tough. It really is tough. And she's a sweet soul, no doubt about it, but I just wasn't ready."
Yeah, that clears it all up Kenny.
Maybe it's just that allegedly you don't like puttin' your d**k in a box.
Just sayin'.

There are good parents and bad parents and stupid parents and WTF parents.
Ladies and Gentleladies, Mister and Mister Tom and Katie Cruise.
Their little offspring Suri is just about four, and yet she still drinks from a bottle. a baby bottle. Is it a Scientology thing?
Most kids give up the bottle around nine months and then pick it up again around eighteen when they realize their father and mother have a sham marriage, only the second bottle says Ketel One on it. And you keep it in a brown paper bag.
Tom? Katie? Don't you have handlers that can get your daughter off the bottle already?

And Mel Gibson.
Devout Catholic. So devout, he actually thinks the Roman Catholic church is too lenient so he built his own hardline Catholic church in Malibu. So devout he left his wife of twenty-seven years because he got his girlfriend pregnant. So devout he has now called it quits with baby mama Oksana Grigorieva.
The reason: they drifted apart.
Well, I guess when you're a devout-Catholic-holier-than-thou-rolling-drunk-driving-misogynist-anti-Semite, you do find yourself drifting apart from loved ones.
Pathetic asshat.