Friday, April 02, 2010

PR7EP11: One Day You're In, The Next Day You're Out...The Next Day You're In Again

After the last challenge, in which the designers heard phrases like Disco Straitjacket, Utter Catastrophe, Mexican Serape Gay Pride Flag, they wake up feeling a little morose. That's what happens after being attacked by the USS Klum, and Battleship Garcia. But the designtestants rally, because there's 100K at stake.
The challenge this week, according to Heidi, is to design a Red Carpet Dress for a Diva-Bitch-On-Wheels. or as Heidi said, an opinionated celebrity.
Of course, it turns out that the Diva-Bi.....the opinionated celebrity is one Miss Heidi Klum herself, though the design will be sans baby bump. The designers get 300 big ones and are all excited to be working for Heidi.
Well, they aren't all excited. Maya decides she can no longer compete because, well, she's too young, and it's too hard, and she doesn't know herself. I think she's afraid to get browbeaten by Amazon Klum if her design is less than, and I think her excuses are a cop-out because, while the judges have said Maya "references" other designers in her work, she beat out ten other designtestants and, correct me if I'm wrong, has never been Bottom Three. I think she was miffed she hadn't won a challenge and wanted to pack her needles and go.
All the designers feel bad for her, and wish her well, as she crawls away from the show, except for Emilio, who went from being nice and a fabulous designer, to being snarky and a fabulous designer, to being outright mean about Maya leaving and a fabulous designer. SethAaron stood up for Maya, basically telling the viewing audience to eff off because we have no idea how hard it is to be there. Um, okay.
Now, of course, the sadness doesn't hold for long because Tim returns to the workroom to bring back another designer to replace Maya. The door opens, and in walks my favorite Rainbow Flag of Song Dance and Witty Repartee, Big Gay Anthony. The lights in the workroom swell and angels sing.
Until some of those designs walk the runway, and the angels weep.
Let's rip:

Jonathan wanted to do one of his patented--read: tired--techniques of the "cut-out," in which he layers fabric and sews them together and then, yes, cuts out pieces to reveal the fabric beneath. Heidi takes one look at his idea, declares it the dreaded drape fabric, and Jonathan crumbles. Defeated, he loses the drape fabric he so meticulously sewed and cut, and creates a dress of, oddly enough, draping. But then that doesn't work and he scraps that, leaving himself scraps of fabric that he sews glues staples licks and wishes into this mishmash.
After last weeks utter catastrophe, Jonathan once again misses the mark.
He's Auf'd.

JayNicholas likes texture. He likes to create texture on a woman's ass so she looks like a parade float. Heidi sees his design and warns him that women don't want to wear a dress that gives them a large butt, and he says he'll rethink it, and doesn't.
This fluttering Big Assed Dress was beautifully made from the waist up, but the ruffles have too many ridges and make the model look like she buffeted on chips, chips, and chips.
JayNicholas made the big No-No of disobeying a direct Klum Kommand, but he gets a pass.

Mila doesn't do Red Carpet. Which is obvious by this mess. She does do colorblocking. Which is obvious, again, by this mess. All the designers were given a Heidi Dossier of Klum in her Red Carpet finery and not one thing Heidi has worn has ever looked so blah. Heidi is all about drama and curves and sex without being slutty.
This dress is less Red Carpet and more Vacuuming The Red Carpet. I mean, put a little bolero jacket and a nametag on it, and you have the maid's uniform from the W hotel.
Since Mila has been good before, she gets a pass, but this is the second time in two weeks when she's faltered. I think she needs a color blockade.

SethAaron forgot about Heidi in the Heidi Challenge. He went all SethAaron and created a dress Nina said was perfect for a funeral. Seriously, Nina? I'd like to see the funeral where a woman wears a strappy black ball gown; it sounds like a party.
But SethAaron's dress is sad, and dowdy and not at all Heidi. It's not even rocker SethAaron.
Basic Black is sometimes Basic Boring.
But this week it's safe.

My Emilio love is over. He's a very good designer as evidenced by this week's Co-Winning Design, but he is quite full of himself. I want to push him off his Singer Sewing Machine pedestal next week because, as his design walked the runway, his voice was an orgasmic testimony to his talent. It's fantastic! It moves! It's Heidi! It's the best dress EVER!
It's very nice. Very nice. And it's impeccably crafted with bones, or boning, or something. Or maybe it was just that Emilio got a boner watching it glide down the runway.
He's good, but he's gonna need some help carrying his big fat ego-bloated head off the runway if he wins again.

Anthony. My Big Gay Rainbow of Joy returned, and stopped all his little cocktail dress nonsense and gave Heidi sexy and flowy and Red Carpet. He kept it simple; basic black and white. But it has the cleavage shots that Heidi loves; it has the leg shot that Nina loved; it was the full-on perfect dress for guest judge Jessica Alba. And even The Korange wanted to wear it. It was a win, win, win, win for Anthony.
And he nearly wet himself.
Anthony's back. Anthony won. We have health care reform. It's all good.

So, to recap. When Heidi asks you to create a sexy Red Carpet dress for her, and then gives you a dossier of outfits she's worn on The Rug....Follow.That.Lead. She wants sex and boobs and flowy and curvy. She doesn't want mishmashed-big-assed-maid's-dresses-for-a-funeral.
Get a clue, or she'll go all Klum on your ass.

Fashion Assassin. Out.


Michael Rivers said...

Great review. I couldn't agree with you more. It's been a fun season.

Joy said...

So glad Anthony is back! Good recap, Bob! I enjoy your observations and commentary. Snarky and witty in the right proportions.