Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?

Okay, so it's over, and it was a pretty good show, actually, it was better than it had been in a long while. And that's due to a certain Mr. Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman--I've told Carlos this is my last time saying, Huge Ackman--we'll see how long that lasts!

But before I get to Huge, er , Hugh, let's talk about a bit about the E! Red Carpet Show. First off: enough with the exclamation point E! because your show really isn't that exciting--it should be called e red carpet actually. You spend more time going from Ryan to the Italian girl to the gay guy and back again. And don't get me started on Debbie Matenopoulus; they say Paula Abdul drinks. Well, then Debbie draaaaaaaaaaanks. Girl was buzzed and a buzzkill!

But let's talk fashion because I know all about it. I say this, sitting here in flannel drawers, yesterdays socks and an old T-shirt. But I know fashion.

Now, Miley-Lindsay-Britney Cyrus arrived first, on her way to rehab, or home from rehab, I don't know, but she puts the ob in obnoxious, and I have no idea what that even means.

Watching her, fresh from being hosed down and disinfected by a troupe of circus elephant bathers, I was going to say that her dress was as overbearing as her personality. I know a lot of crazy folks who wear tin foil on their heads to drown out 'the voices,' but did she need an entire aluminum foil ensemble?

Then Carlos passed through the room as she was talking.

He saw the dress and said, Who's the pinata?

I laugh because every time I see her I get the urge to hit her with a stick

Next up we have e's resident queen--no, not Ryan Seacrest, although.....--Jay Manuel, with his white tux he had shipped in from the 50s and his bluish hair, the plucked brow, the pursed lips; Joan Crawford didn't spend as much time in hair and make-up!

Now, I'm sorry to bash. I am an out proud homo, after all, but he's too much of a queen. That breathy Marilyn Monroe voice makes me cringe; the ways he 'draws' his designs on the dresses; he is just too fond of himself. I couldn't find a picture of him from last night because he's Jay Manuel and, let's face it, without Tyrannosaurus Banks, we'd all be going Who?

Now we can get to Seacrest....I laugh because Brad and Angelina--we're on a first-name basis, you know--snubbed him at The Golden Globes. And last night on the e red carpet he must have mentioned their names four times in the first thirty seconds. And then of course, Angelina wouldn't speak to him, because he was a dick to her once. Don't piss of Angie, Ryan. Didn't they teach you that in Hostess School?

He is the Twinkie of hostesses; and not twinkie in that gay sensibility, but twinkie as a cream-filled slab of vanilla cake. Bo-ring!

But here are Brad and Angelina.

I love them.

She's hot. I get a funny feeling....down there...when I see her.

He's hot. I usually take my men tall dark and handsome, and with an accent, but he's f-o-i-n-e.

I'm getting hot.

And Zac Efron--who people say is gay, and I say Why not?

I don't think he's that cute, but then I like my men to look like men and not like they just shed a diaper, and he had a sort of deer in the headlights look in his eye. Then he admitted that his next movie, something about 17, was just like Big.

Um, Zac, hate to break it you sweetie, but I saw Big like fifty years ago, and I don't need to see a remake. Of course, it's been a long time since I was a thirteen-year-old-girl, so who am I to say?

Vanessa Hudgens--Zac's alleged beard/girlfriend. What she is doing there I don't know. But then she went and compared herself to Audrey Hepburn.

Huh? What? Huh?

More like Audrey Griswold from the Vacation movies.

I do see a future career for her in the film industry; perhaps stuffing envelopes for NetFlix?

SJP always wears the same big poofy skirt like she's trying to hide an ass or a pair of hips the size of Idaho. Enough SJP. You have a slammin' bod--and this is from a gay boy who has no idea what to do with a woman's slammin hot bod.

Howsabout next time, you put on a lil sumpin sumpin sexy and tight.

You aren't Cinderella anymore.

Mickey Rourke, I get it. You're a rebel, but c'mon man, at least look like you took a bath before you slipped into somethin' fugly.

You look a little Saturday Night Feverish...and not hot like a fever, but sickly like a fever.

Hey Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my....never mind.

But, hey, Mickey, This is how it's done. This is rebel chic for the Oscars.

Sean Penn doesn't follow the rules either but he looks good doing it.

I saw Melissa Leo--I know, who? But she's up for Best Actress.

She showed up wearing a nice dress, I mean, copper is the new, er, pink?

But seriously Melissa, did you have to wear Jane Fonda's old 9-to-5 hair. Even she stopped wearing it in the 80s.

Kate Winslet, or as I sometimes call her, Meryl Winslet or Kate Streep, is just about the classiest woman in the world! And I could listen to her speak all night.

Frida Pinto from Slumdog looked dee-vine, and I began to do an Indian accent which lasted about an hour until Carlos screeched at me to stop.

Jessica Biel was on the e red carpet on her cell phone. She was probably looking for her career. Or maybe she was calling Red Lobster to tell them she walked out still wearing the bib

I loves me some Annie Hathaway. Smart. Funny. Sexy. Gay friendly.

And she looked gaw-geous.

But then that mincing Marilyn-wannabe Jay Manuel took out his blue pen and began to draw little circles on her dress and shouting at us, These are called piettes, people. Piettes! I had no idea a quiz was involved.

I began saying These are piettes people in my Indian accent. Carlos was not amused.

Penelope Cruz stopped by to chat and she still has the thickest Spanish accent I've ever heard. She's been in Hollywood since the 1940s and I still have to stop and listen when she speaks.

She makes Carlos sound like he's from Jaw-juh.

Pretty dress, but I thought it was the Oscars and not My Best friend's Wedding.

Meryl Streep is a goddess. She could wear a potato sack with a paint can hat and she'd be a goddess. In fact, I think she did wear a potato sack and a paint can hat to the Globes, and she looked regal.

J'adore La Streep. J'adore.

That drives Carlos crazy because he's on Team Glen Close and I am definitely Team Streep, so he gets a tad annoyed by my adoration of La Streep.

Speaking of Carlos. He was passing through the room as I watched the e red carpet arrival show, and when it grew boring--Jay Manuel anyone--I switched to another channel. He walked in and I was watching HGTV. He asked if the Oscars were already over.

Silly man, It's still Sunday!

We've got another twenty-four hours!