Okay, so I don't like Tom Cruise. I'd use the word 'hate,' but Grandma always told me it was wrong to say that you hate anyone or anything.
But......I loathe Tom Cruise........intensely.
He's a miniature man, literally, and figuratively, and a marginally talented actor who has made a career of playing a one-note character: the good guy who's dealt a bad hand and fights to do the right thing.
Blah blah blah.
The Firm is Jerry Maguire is Rainman is Top Gun is Mission Impossible is A Few Good Men is Bad Tom Cruise Movie.
Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, i will say I haven't seen any Tom Cruise movies except for Risky Business which set the tone for the Tom Cruise Method Of Picking Roles Based On Whatever Makes Me Look Good, and Interview With The Vampire, not because of Cruise, but because of three other things: vampires, Brad Pitt, and Antonio Banderas.
And Tiny Tom is also quite homophobic. Mention he's gay, insinuate he's gay, tell people you and Tom have done the deed, and he slaps with a $100 million law suit on your ass.
Me thinks Miss Cruise doth protest too much.
But then, he was asked in an interview with Barbara Walters (rants about Grandma Walters to follow) about the rumors of him being a, gasp, homo-sek-shul. Tommy replied that the idea was disgusting; he was a father after all.
So in Little Tommy's mind being gay is disgusting, and you can't be gay because you're a father.
Tiny Tom, Tiny Talent. Tiny Mind.
So, all this brings me to my daily giggle.
Tommy wanted desperately to star in a movie called Salt--some kind of action adventure thingy where I presume he plays a good guy trying to do the right thing.
Now, Tommy's career in the US of A is not what it once was, and Tommy can't just stomp his size six pumps and demand to star in any movie he wants.
The director and producers of Salt decided against casting little Tommy and went for someone they saw as a better candidate for successful box-office, and a better actor to play the role of action hero:
They hired Angelina Jolie.
Sorry Tommy, girlfriend's a lot tougher than you.
Barbara Walters needs to retire. Now.
I was watching The View because I loves me some Whoopi-Joy dialogue, and because they were having on the truly funny Bonnie Hunt.
So Bonnie's parked on the sofa between Grandma Walters and Joy, and answering questions and being funny and so on. Joy asks Bonnie if it's true her producer wants her to get a more exciting life so she can have something more to talk about on her show, The Bonnie Hunt Show, check your local listings.
Bonnie turned to look at Grandma, and says, "He'd like me to get a fabulous life like yours."
Grandma snarls, "You don't know anything about my life. I don't talk about my personal life on this show."
Huh? What? Huh?
Bonnie, "I know, I've never seen this show."
Grandma, "Well, I've never seen your show either."
Even Whoopi cringed and looked for a way off the sofa.
Pack it in Grandma Walters. You've been on TV since Jesus invented it, so it's time to move on.
Maybe to a local cable access show, The Senile View or The Bitter Old Grandma View or The Shut The Fuck Up Already View.
Here's the video of Barbara being a beyotch to my girl Bonnie: