I Ain't One To Gossip ...

Again …I don’t watch Dancing with the Used-To-Be-Stars-or-Second-Bananas-Or-Retired-Athletes-Or Actors-Looking-For-A-Comeback and never have, but I do read about it, especially now that Tyra Trainwreck Banks is the new host.

That bitch just can’t get through a show without a hideous dress or a huge on-air mix-up, like this week when they were whittling down the dancers to the bottom two.

And yet, she left three couples on the dance floor—Anne Heche and partner [who knows their names]; Vernon Davis and partner; Chrishell Stause [who?]and her partner—and called them the bottom two.

Bitch can’t count; and apparently can’t read either because she’d just finished telling Monica Aldama [another who?] and her partner that they were safe, and yet they weren’t. Trainwreck said:

“There’s actually been an error. I’m looking right now and we have three couples, so we need to clarify this for one second. The bottom two couples are Anne and Keo and Monica and Val.”

So, she has Monica come back out, while the judges tried to shoo Vernon and partner, and Chrishell Stause [who?]and partner offstage lest Trainwreck screw things up again.

And like she did the last time she screwed up she released the same crap from her mouth:

“This is live TV, right? This is the craziness of live TV… This is live TV. I was reading my cards, but my cards were wrong. So here we go. …  This is live TV, and we’re all human.”

Yeah, except the last host they had never did that in the 48 years this show has been on TV, Tyra. Perhaps a little less time win the makeup chair with the spatula, and a little less time picking a dressing from the ugly, pile, and little more time paying attention.

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Mariah’s back with more snippets from the book she “wrote” The Importance of Being Mimi or whatever. And this time she’s dogging her ex-fiancé, who had to sue to get the ring back, by the way, James Packer.

Mariah dated and was engaged to the Australian billionaire for 8 months until he finally, truthfully, literally, paid her off to go away—and here I thought Lindsay Lohan was a hooker—and she tells the world that the two never had sex in their entire relationship.

That must have been the world’s longest, and least fulfilling, dry hump … until James’ wallet shot the wad of bills at Mariah and she went home.

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Speaking of people who “write” books about their lives, we now have gossip-monger Perez Hilton who has written about the time he made out with John Mayer in his book, TMI: My Life in Scandal.

It seems that in 2007, Hilton had finished co-hosting MTV’s New Year’s Eve celebrations with Christina Aguilera and the two of them decided to hit a club in Chelsea where they met up with Jessica Simpson and her then-boyfriend John Mayer.

Perez ALLEGES that as they all sat down, Mayer leaned into him and said:

“I like to watch gay porn, you know. My favorite porn star is Brent Corrigan. He really turns me on.”

Hilton then ALLEGES that Mayer leaned in and shoved his tongue into Hilton’ mouth, and Hilton, despite being momentarily paralyzed, began making out with Mayer.

Hilton ALLEGES that Simpson watched her boyfriend and Hilton make-out but covered her face with her hair. I’d have gone to the kitchen for bleach and a Brillo Pad™ to scrub my eyes clean. I mean, look at the pair of ‘em up there… creepy and creepier.

Mayer and Simpson’s reps are not responding because, again, ick, but Mayer has spoken of it:

"The only man I kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year’s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can out gay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.”

Again, ick.

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Former Beverly Hills, 90210 has-beens Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are addressing Jessica Alba’s ALLEGATIONS that she wasn’t allowed to make eye contact with the cast when she filmed an episode of the show fifty-six years ago. In a teaser for their new podcast, 9021OMG, both Garth and Spelling said they didn’t recall such a rule:

“Tori, did you — I just need to know, did you tell her not to look me in the eye?” “Why’s it all about you?” “Well, because I had all the scenes with her, like, if anybody was, you know, didn’t want to have their eyes looked into, it would’ve been me. But I don’t remember because I have the world’s worst memory.” Spelling then speculated that maybe the producers sent around a “cool memo” that mandated the odd request. This bit of fluff began last week when Alba appeared on Hot Ones and spoke of ‘The Rule’: “I couldn’t even make eye contact with any of the cast members, which was really strange when you’re like trying to do a scene with them. It was like, ‘You’re not allowed to make eye contact with any one of the cast members or you’ll be thrown off the set.’” Garth, who was the one not being looked at, will only say that she  remembers Alba as being “super talented”: “She was very young, and she was really sweet. It does not surprise me that she’s gone on to be so successful.” Perhaps because she didn’t look at the cast, Alba didn’t have whatever talent she has, or had, sucked out of her body by a cast of talentless acting vampires. photo

“Tori, did you — I just need to know, did you tell her not to look me in the eye?”

“Why’s it all about you?”

“Well, because I had all the scenes with her, like, if anybody was, you know, didn’t want to have their eyes looked into, it would’ve been me. But I don’t remember because I have the world’s worst memory.”

Spelling then speculated that maybe the producers sent around a “cool memo” that mandated the odd request.

This bit of fluff began last week when Alba appeared on Hot Ones and spoke of ‘The Rule’:

“I couldn’t even make eye contact with any of the cast members, which was really strange when you’re like trying to do a scene with them. It was like, ‘You’re not allowed to make eye contact with any one of the cast members or you’ll be thrown off the set.’”

Garth, who was the one not being looked at, will only say that she  remembers Alba as being “super talented”:

“She was very young, and she was really sweet. It does not surprise me that she’s gone on to be so successful.”

Perhaps because she didn’t look at the cast, Alba didn’t have whatever talent she has, or had, sucked out of her body by a cast of talentless acting vampires.

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