I Ain't One To Gossip, But ...

So last week we talked about Lohan 2.0™, aka Amanda Bynes, out and about in LA driving on a suspended license and ALLEGEDLY smoking a little weed while doing so. Maybe that explains her bad driving habits, the DUI charge and all the hit-and-runs and backing over curbs, girl was higher than a kite behind the wheel.

Now, with her license suspended, a judge has finally gotten into the act and told Bynes’ lawyer that she must stop driving. Now! Dammit! The lawyer relayed the message to Bynes because she wasn’t even at the hearing. I believe she had fallen asleep in a bag of Cheetos.

It all came to a head shop, er head, last week when Bynes was stopped, again, by police, this time for driving with her headlights off at night. But they didn’t ask to see her license, or else Bynes would have checked into the Lohan Suite at LA County Jail that night. Lucky bitch.

Judge  Revel—who was actually a judge on several of Original Recipe Lohan’s™ court cases—told Bynes’ lawyer to tell his client that her driving days are over, but Wilson told the judge, “We haven’t completed her DMV hearing so she couldn’t have lost her license.”

Wait. A DUI charge and two charges of hit-and-run aren’t enough to take away that girl’s keys? WTF is wrong with you California? Do you like your cracked out has-been starlets roaming the streets free and high that much?

Later Wilson admitted that the D.A. informed him that the actress’s license does in fact come up as suspended in the official records, but that wasn’t before, and this is typical, Bynes, um, “tapped” the bumper of yet another car. Yup, drive drunk, hit a bunch of cars, smoke a little weed while you’re driving, and it’s no big deal in California.

If you’re a former child star, I guess.

So, Britney’s got a new gig, being the resident bitch on The X Factor. I, for the sake of my blog, sat through one episode, and she came off as snarky and, at the same time, slightly incoherent. OMG, she’s Paula Abdul! No wonder Simon wanted her. But let’s move beyond that because this is where it gets good; there are some other people who want Britney, too: her children.

The National Enquirer—that bastion of professional journalism—says Britney is focusing so much on The X Factor, and reviving her tepid career, that she is not spending any time with her two young sons, Sean and Jayden. In fact, she ALLEGEDLY hasn’t seen her sons since the beginning of July.

Of course, she was touring the country looking wonky-eyed and out-of-sorts on a TV talent show, so maybe that’s excuse enough for not seeing your children, eh? But what about down time, between shows? Oh, no, she can’t be bothered with her children then. She’s busy having candlelight dinners and weekend getaways with her fiancé, Jason Trawick.

A source—and you know it’s Christina Aguilera, after she set down the ham hock—says, “It’s as if she’s tired of being a mom because she’s so caught up in her newfound TV stardom. She’s losing touch with those kids.”

Britney’s ex, Kevin Federline, has full custody, while Britney is entitled to visitation several times a week, but Christina, er, The Voice, er, the source, says, “Britney has been turning down her scheduled visits. She says she’s too tired or too stressed. It’s shameful!”

Yeah, it’s shameful, but Mama’s got a new gig boys. She’ll see you soon, maybe at your high school graduation if she can fit it into her schedule.

Now, for some Original Recipe Lohan™:

Lindsay’s been all over the place lately, from NYC to LA and back again, with a quick stop in Atlanta when she finally mustered the sanity, or sobriety, to film her cameo in Scary Movie 5.

But then it was back to La Grande Apple so Lindsay, ever the fashionista, could make an appearance at Fashion Week. And while she was there she also attended the launch of Lady Gaga’s new perfume, and ALLEGEDLY Gaga felt sorry for the troubled cracktress and offered to help out.

Remember how Lindsay didn’t pay her bill at the Chateau Marmont last month and the hotel was forced to ban her from the property? Lindsay says the producers of her sure-to-be-craptastic Lifetime movies, Liz Loves Her Some Dick, or something, would cough up the $46,000.00 payment and when they didn’t she said she’d pay for it. And she didn’t.

Now, it seems, Gaga might settle the account. But here’s the heart-tugging bit: Gaga says it’s not a loan but a gift, so Lindsay would no longer be banned from the Chateau. You know, until she runs up another bill for rooms and booze and cigs and walks out on it.

I knew Lindsay was looking to market herself as Lindsay Lohan: International Call Girl, to get the bill paid, but I always thought it’d be one of her johns to cover her expenses, not her Gaga.

Kim Kash Kow Kardashian. Complete moron. So dumb she makes Lohan and Bynes look like a Tag Team Mensa duo.

See, Kim Kash Kow Kardashian gave an interview to London’s The Guardian, and really showed off both her lack of brain power and her lack of compassion, and gave one of her most idiotic quotes ever.

See, Kash Kow actually compared her marriage ending after 72 minutes, or days, to Cancer. Yes, she did, and here’s her quote:

 “We had done filming our season at that point, so we decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”

Cuz marrying a guy for ratings and gifts and then divorcing him a half-second is just like having cancer.

And, after saying that tidbit of idiocy, Kash Kow took to her blog to “clarify”:

“I want to clear something up for you all, because it seems that something I said has been taken way out of context, as is often the case with quotes pulled from interviews. In a recent magazine interview, I told of how I had called a female fan who was battling cancer, and she told me how she had watched the show and seen how I had faced my own struggles, and had been inspired by how I had found the courage to change a situation that was making me unhappy.”

So, Kash Kow facing the indignity of marrying a man she didn’t love for gifts and popularity is just inspirational to a girl fighting cancer. But, um, never knowing when to stem the tide of stupid from her mouth, Kash Kow, goes on:

“Many of you know that my father passed away from cancer, and my grandma is a cancer survivor. This is a disease that has brought so much pain and heartache to our family and I would never want to offend or upset anyone who was battling cancer, or whose family members were battling or had passed away from cancer. What I said in the interview was misconstrued and I wanted to explain to you all what the context was around my phone call with this girl. Xo”

Um, except the quote about ending your marriage being as hard as having cancer is a direct quote. It wasn’t “misconstrued” or “taken out of context” it was just typical Kardashian ego-mixed-with-stupidity.

And now, back to Lohan 2.0™.

After the judge asked Amanda Bynes’ lawyer to tell his client to stop deriving, well, she didn’t. Bynes was out and about in LA right after the hearing, in her car, and got pulled over again.

But this time the police ran her license, discovered it was suspended, and impounded her car. And all the bud and food wrappers inside.

Law enforcement sources say Bynes was pulled over in her black BMW around 9:00 AM in Burbank, ran her license, discovered it was suspended, issued her a ticker, and Took.The.Car.

It’s about time.

Of course, she can take some of her old TV money and get another car, and then drive around until she hits someone and gets that care impounded and then she can take some of her old TV money and get another car, and then drive around until she hits someone and gets that care impounded and then she can take some of her old TV money and get another car, and then drive around until she hits someone and gets that care impounded and then she……

You know how it goes.

But, and this is freaking rich, Original Recipe Lohan™ has chimed in on Lohan 2.0™ and her run-ins with the law, actually Tweeting: “Why did I get put in jail and a nickelodeon star has had NO punishment(s) so far?”

Oh, Original™, let’s wait until 2.0™ kidnaps someone or steals a necklace or drives like a fool, about a hundred more times before we compare her to your crackly-jailbird ass.

Lohan, the original, is funny.

And, so, speaking of Original Recipe Lohan™, while in New York at Gag’s perfume launch party, she hooked up with former bestie, Paris “I [ALLEGEDLY] carry cocaine in my cooch” Hilton and their feud is still burning.

Lindsay Lohan arrived in NYC from the Atlanta set of “Scary Movie 5” in which she makes fun of her hard-partying, train-wreck past, including an incident last year when she was accused of stealing a necklace from an LA jewelry store. A source—and by source, I mean Swimming In Alcohol, Dina Lohan—says the cameo was an attempt to “complete a phase of her life and move on.”

But she didn’t move far.

When Lohan arrived at Lady Gaga’s masked ball at the Guggenheim Museum, she flipped when she saw Paris Hilton at the same event!

The once-tight pair had a falling out back in 2006 over the infamous incident when foul-mouthed oil heir Brandon Davis branded the “Mean Girls” star “Firecrotch,” with Hilton egging him on. So, because Lindsay holds a grudge as long and as hard as she holds a bottle of Stoli and a crack pipe, she “refused to get her picture taken with Paris.”

Paris and Lindsay are both losers, but they’re different kinds of losers: Lindsay is far crazier than Paris and perhaps, more dangerous. But you just know Paris Hilton, whose last bout with fame was getting arrested for cocaine possession Vegas, is jealous of Lindsay Lohan Can’t-Pay-Her-Hotel-Bill fame.

Lindsay Lohan wants attention because, well, that’s all she has left, and Pars wants Lohan attention because, well, she has nothing.

Lovely pair.

And then.......

It’s kinda ironic, you know, that Original Recipe Lohan™ Tweeted about Lohan 2.0™ and her bad driving habits. It was like déjà vu all over again.

See, our favorite cracktress, Lindsay Lohan, was arrested in New York City this past Wednesday after ALLEGEDLY clipping a pedestrian with her Porsche and then driving off to meet her dealer, or take her mother to rehab or something.

The alleged victim—a man in his 30s—was briefly hospitalized, but didn't have any visible injuries at the scene.

It seems Lohan was pulling in to the Dream Hotel in downtown Manhattan—perhaps she really is an international call girl and was meeting her next trick—when she ALLEGEDLY hit the man. Lindsay’s friend/enabler/dealer/holder of the vodka bottle got out to check for damages to her car, and then Lohan went into the hotel.

A passerby called the police, and when Lohan emerged from the hotel at around 2AM. Possibly high as a kite, she was arrested, and charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

And like that “nickelodeon” star, who gets off all the time, she was immediately released.

But, while the charge is a misdemeanor, it could trigger a violation of her probation for her jewel theft charges, as her probation hinges on her obeying all laws.

But, hey, she’s Lindsay Lohan, dammit!

She ain’t no TV star. She should be allowed to drive as drunk as she wants and run down people willy-nilly because….she’s Lindsay Lohan, dammit, and the police are unfair to her.

No word from mama Dina, because I think she’s still passed out drunk under “Dr.” Phil’s couch.