Okay, we’re getting down to the wire here—in fact, next week’s challenge will determine who goes to The Tents—so let’s make this a fabulous event: design for Babies!
Three Men and a Baby say what?
Seriously. But then we learn that the designtestants will create a look for baby that will be incorporated into Heidi Klum’s Truly Scrumptious line at Babies R Us and suddenly it all makes sense. Cross promotion for Heidi, the PR and babies R Us. But, in the first of three twists, there will be two winners, one for a baby boy outfit and one for a baby girl outfit: Christopher, Elena and Melissa designed for the girls while Fabio, Dmitry, and Sonjia created looks for the boys.
But man oh man is this gonna be hard. Your “client” doesn’t so much talk as they spit up on themselves and crap their pants. It could get ugly. And the moms are also a problem, especially Christopher’s, who likes haute couture baby-wear and is very taste specific. I thought maybe Christopher would go all Ven on Mama but he pulled it together.
The second twist was the most annoying twist ever; since Heidi loves to torture the designtestants, she opted to send a bunch of fake babies to the workroom to help bridge the designers' knowledge gap. It sounds cute, right? But then the babies cry and need to be rocked, fed, or changed to make them stop. Now, had I been there, I would have taken my baby into the Singer Sewing room and top-stitched the lips closed.
Luckily Auntie Tim came in to take the babies to “the park” which I thought of as code for “storage bin” and the crying stopped; at least from the babies.
So, let’s rip…….but first, Twist Three; Heidi came in the workroom with that Heidi Smile and told the designers they would also create a companion piece for Mom, although only the baby clothes would guarantee a win or an Aufing…..
Right off the bat he made us aware that the challenge came from Heidi because she has “like 105 kids" but then he also noted that designing for children was akin to designing for a cat.
I beg to differ. I design clothes for Tuxedo all the time and it’s a snap.
His, um, for lack of a better word, “design” was a little like pajamas that, um, maybe, um, Satan’s Son might wear. Fire engine red with a pointy red hat; all that was missing was a tail and pitchfork.
But then he showed us that the hap unzips and form a cape which means….
Satan’s Son can fly!
The fit was too tight and the leggings too short. Kors liked the graphic nature of the design with the little car on the front, although Nina thought that, graphically, at least, it looked more like a walking crayon—especially with Satan’s hood up. It was dubbed a little too costume-y also by Kors, though the three moms on the panel—guest judge Hilary Duff has a small child—reminded him that kids love capes and pointy hats.
And tails and pitchforks?
Heidi thought it was modern, but not at all commercial, and since this was a design for her line it wouldn’t make the cut because she’d make no money on it.
And she has those 105 mouths to feed, y’all.
In the end, Dmitry was saved.
Fabio rose to the challenge of Fake Baby Daddy because he wants to be a Real Baby Daddy one day. And I think that gave him a leg up in the competition this week since none of the other designers have children—and none of them seem to want children…and one of them, Elena, should be banned from reproducing.
His look was one-piece—easy on, easy off; and a little retro looking. But, um, he put a pocket on the baby’s back. Now, I know kids are bendy and stuff, but how is that little boy going to get his cigarettes outta that weird pocket?
Kors liked that it was nautical—and retro—but done with a modern twist; he also noted the practicality of having it be one piece. Heidi loved it, with all the detail from her own line. Nina noted that it wasn’t so baby-ish because the, you know, children grow, and stuff. He won’t be 423 days old forever after all. Hilary Duff loved the retro aspect, and thought Fabio was one of the designers who thought about the ease of getting a squirming, crying, wriggling, snot-nosed little brat in and out of his clothes.
Okay, maybe that was me. At any rate, Fabio also gets a save.
She opted to make a suit, you know, for Banker Baby Boy. But then she got all wild and made it a SweatSuit, you know, for Banker Baby Boy at the Gym.
But she gets lucky because her model is, and this is coming from me, y’all, a guy that likes his kids with whiskers and a tail, and the ability to use a litter box, the Cutest.Baby.Ever.
Seriously. That kid waving and smiling was Pia Z-adorable; what wasn’t so adorable, was seeing Kors wave back with that Grinch looking face of his. I thought I heard him say to Nina: “I love babies. Deep fried with a side of Ranch dressing.”
I could be wrong.
Back to Sonia: it’s gotta be hard to make a kid look stylish and she managed to do it. The only fault I could find was that the T-shirt, or tank top, beneath Baby Banker Blazer looked like a little something from Steven Tyler’s Dude Looks Like A Baby Collection.
But maybe Banker Baby is also Banker Baby in a Boy Band.
Yeah, I’ll stop with that.
Heidi called him a sharp looking little man, but still fun, while Hilary Duff liked that the baby could move in it—cuz babies move, or so I’ve been told. Kors dubbed it faaaaabulous and modern and polished, while Nina loved that it was separates and a kind of No-Fuss look. Smart and sporty.
He’s still annoying me with all the voices, but, well, as a big old Judy Garland, Liza loving, boa wearing, showtune singing, homo, I loved it when he said—in a sea of crying Fake Babies--"Now I know why Judy went off the deep end with Liza."
Too bad this isn’t Project One Liner.
And Christopher had quite the challenge. His Baby Client Mama was a true diva. She dresses her kid in Dior, for goddess’ sake. And she had all kinds of idea; well, not so much ideas, as orders. White denim jacket! Three quarter sleeves.
Oy. And then, when Mom comes into the workroom, and sees what he’s done, she nearly Pinking Sheared his man bits off. She was not happy; well, to use her words, she “hates” it. The kid's dress and even the simple dress Christopher made for her. I kinda wished he’d gone all Ven on her ass and made her cry.
Mom. Not the baby. I’d had it with crying babies at this point.
But he stuck to his guns when Sonjia reminded him that he didn’t need to please the Baby Client, or her Mama, because the real client was Heidi.
Nice save; and Sonjia deserves a muffin basket for saying so.
Now, his dress. It was cute. It was Spring. It was very Special Occasion Specific. Easter Sunday Brunch. Babies First Wedding. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was pretty, but any kid—even with a diva mom—would get that thing dirty in two seconds flat and with all those flowers and leaves sewn into it, it would have been a bitch to get the maid to wash it.
Still, Nina thought it was adorable, though impractical, while Heidi loved it but felt it too special occasion—wait, Nina and Heidi agree with me? I.Could.Die! Kors, on the other hand, wasn’t a fan of the jean jacket because it looked like it would be hard to get on and off, but he did like the dress. Hilary Duff loved both pieces and I worry, because she has a son, and I think she might put him in a Flower Eater Dress.
In the end, Christopher gets the Girl Win—for the outfit and for being kind of a girl.
Once again she has time management issues.
And, well, some taste issues. Or, as Heidi kind of suggested, when she saw the tights Melissa made that looked just like the ones already in the collections, some plagiarism issues.
So, once again Melissa starts over, and made that fatal mistake: she decided to create a Baby Girl version of an adult dress. And a cocktail dress, no less.
Now, to be fair, she did make a nice vest to wear over the cocktail dress, but then the dress was more fitted to a Tiny Adult and not a baby; as I said earlier, Babies are bendy, but Melissa needed a Rubber Child in order to get that tight dress on. Plus, and usually Heidi likes this, it was so short that the diaper was in full view. And no one likes that look unless it’s Betty White.
Yeah. I went there.
Heidi thought the white dress was too structured for toddler and not at all practical; also, she noted that metal zippers aren’t the best against Baby Soft Skin. Heidi did give her props for the jacket, but, well, unless you’re Baby Paris Hilton, you need to go out wearing more than just a coat.
Hilary also made mention of the zipper shredding baby skin, while Kors blasted Melissa for her fabric choices. Nina hated the exposed zipper and the exposed dirty diaper and thought the whole thing was too serious.
Seriously bad, she means.
But, as happened on the PR, Something Uglier This Way Comes…..
Elena proved she should not have kids, the minute she named her Fake Baby “A**hole.” And so she proceeded to design a look that screamed Made By An A**hole.
She used everything she could muster. Denim. Ruffles. Elastic. Snaps. Pinks. Green. Blue. Appliqués. It was a Symphony Of Too Much. Too harsh? Look again.
But Elena also gets points for once again stepping out of her comforts zone; as Tim noted during the critique, “No shoulder pads?” Yes, I thought she might go for Baby Linebacker jacket, too.
The jacket was way too busy—and kind of stiff looking—with ruffles and flowers and pockets and lions and tigers and bears. Oh my. Plus she went crazy with fabrics—the green t-shirt and the pink pants. Heidi thought it looked hand-me-down; as in, “Hand me down that kids outfit, I’m on my way to the incinerator.”
Now, Kors liked the jacket but didn’t think it worked with the rest of the look. Heidi dubbed the pants a throwaway, and the cam onto the runway, ripped them off the kid and proved her point by throwing them away. Nina dubbed the whole thing impractical—at which point Elena muttered something like, “Thanks for the input” and Nina said, “That’s my opinion.”
Oh Elena. You never sass Nina when you’ve made something ugly because then….
Project Runway is not for kids. If the challenge had been to make a great dress for mom, and then throw in the twist of creating a baby outfit, it might have worked better.
Note to producers: never work with kids and animals…unless you want to do a special design challenge for Tuxedo and then, well, we’ll be right there.
After the good one-liners from Dmitry and Christopher this week, I was stunned to hear the line of the night come out of Tim Gunn’s mouth as he sent Elena packing: “What are we going to do without fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”
Next week is the avant-garde challenge, which ends up being either fabulous of tragic.
But it does determine who gets to The Tents.
What did YOU think?